Day 109 - 174.4 So much for the meltdown!

So, whatever, 1.6 pounds up from Monday. The scale is an enigma wrapped in a mystery. I haven't changed my program or eating patterns. Probably it's mid cycle gain... I hope.

Last night I did a class at the gym called "Restorative Rest." It was guided meditation and it was freakin' awesome. I've never done anything like it, and I can't wait to do it again (in two weeks). It was all peaceful and energizing and I was kinda asleep but not, and a few times I really saw the images she asked us to imagine. At one point I was almost crying. And I was so moved at the end of it, so emotional and wrung out, and it was fantastic. She even gave us a Lindt dark chocolate truffle to "experience chocolate as it should be experienced."

Yesterday I also bought from Amazon a meditation book and CD that Meg over at www.iamthatgirlnow.blogspot.com uses, and can't wait to try it this weekend. I'd love to add meditation to my healthy lifestyle, and think it's something I'll ease into in the mornings.

Planning on running and weights class tonight, if DH can pick up DD from day camp. He's been studying for the Series 24 exam (securities manager license--it's a b!tch apparently) and has been pretty much absent from our lives the past week or so. The test is tomorrow at noon, and hopefully he'll pass and I can have my husband (a.k.a. the other parent of these two children of mine who truly does make an impact in their lives and mine that I only notice when it's missing) back.

HEM has new songs out on itunes that I can't wait to download. I love that group.

Day 107 - 172.8

Damn, it is just melting off. I was telling DH this morning that I'm a little freaked out that the weight is still coming off so quickly. It's never happened like that before, and I've read so many tales of women losing quickly then gaining it all back quickly. Hell, I've been there myself.

His reply made sense. He said it's the first time- ever - I've ::consistently:: eaten less and moved more.

And he's right. I'm staying on plan, with only a once or twice a week mini-mess up (like Saturday, when I had about 250 calories extra in starchy comfort graham crackers). I'm not eating at night. I worked out 6 of 7 days last week. I'm not on birth control pills, I'm almost off my depression meds, and I'm taking vitamins & EFA's daily.

So, yeah, unless I had a medical condition like a wacky thyroid, I couldn't HELP but lose weight.

This is the beginning of week 16 on LA Weight Loss. 16 weeks of tracking my food every day. 16 weeks of no cake, no ice cream, no pizza, no donuts. 16 weeks of success.

It feels awesome. But it still freaks me out a little.

Day 105 - 174 - 30 pounds lost

Today marks 30 pounds lost (on my scale). I almost didn't believe the number this morning and had to rub my eyes and look twice. 174. The weight is just melting off. Wow.

I was at the gym every day this week. Monday through Friday. I ran 4 out of 5 days. One day I ran 28 minutes straight and did 5K in 36:39, which is the fastest and longest I've gone, running-wise. Another day I had little time and only did 2 miles on the treadmill. The past two days I've done strength classes-- pilates Thursday and Weights Friday (I ran 20 minutes before weights class).

The exercise has got to be making a huge difference. Plus, I just finished my period so I'm lighter on the inside. And my food has been on track with an occasional extra starch, but that's it.

The size 12 pants I bought last Friday at Dress Barn were very loose yesterday. I was a little upset! Which is stupid, but they are brand new. I have a pair in khaki that I'm taking back and getting the--I can't believe this--size 10s. I hope they fit me and the loose navy pair isn't just a fluke. Everything else in 12 still looks okay, so I'm guessing these just run big.

I'm taking today off from exercise. My body is sore... I pushed it at weights class yesterday.

Hoping for sunshine (even though we need the rain badly) and we'll take the kids to the pool today. Other than that, absolutely no plans. Love. It.

Day 103 - "Official" weight = 177.4 (home weight = 175.4)

I'm .2 pounds away from officially losing 30 pounds. And 1.2 pounds away from the half way mark of my 62 pound goal.

I've been feeling so good lately. I look better. I have more energy. I'm not dealing with food-induced headaches or sugar crashes or food guilt. The scale keeps going down and isn't plateauing. I'm keeping up my exercise and running longer and faster.

So it seems things are going well. And they are.

But sometimes, it feels really weird.

Like when I put on one of my favorite black shirts this morning, and it was way too big. I'm glad I've gotten smaller, but gosh I loved that shirt. This is so lame, I know, but it happened and I felt it, and I'm putting it here on my blog.

And I've noticed, once in a while, people looking at me, at the gym, at the store, when I drop off the kids at day care/day camp. I guess I was invisible before with an extra 30 pounds? And now they can see me? Or is it that I'm more sensitive to looks because I *want* to be looked at? (I don't think I do, but maybe subconsciously I do?) I don't think I'm very comfortable being looked at.

Compliments are coming at me fast now, and I love them. But then, what happens when they stop? Eventually, people are going to stop telling me how great I look. So maybe I shouldn't enjoy these comments so much and not get used to that amazing feeling from recognition of my accomplishments, because it's not gonna last.

I'm an approval-seeking person, who lives and dies by what others think of me. I've gotten better about this as I've gotten older, but I still like getting fussed over when I lose a pound at weigh in, or when I tell my husband I ran 2 and 1/2 miles straight (he didn't praise me enough for that accomplishment, IMO--see how much I need approval?!), or when I wear an adorable new outfit and think I look great.

I'm half way through the losing part. I feel like I've got my game on and I'm really really going to do it this time. By September 21, I will weigh 140 pounds and wear a size 8 or maybe even a 6, if I keep losing at the rate I have for the past 15 weeks.

But what about after that? That unknown land of maintenance and the scale staying within a 2 pound range. Really, I don't know why I'm worried about it, because it's months away and I still have over 30 pounds to lose.

Probably, it's because of the failure rate of weight loss maintenance. Those awful statistics I don't even want to go research because I will really get depressed.

And Alicia's post at Grumpy Chair Dieter got me thinking today about why I've hidden under fat for so many years. I have similar issues with men at a young age, that I won't go into now because I don't want to deal with it (some of you know my story from the early day's of Frances's Amazon blog).

Is it normal to have a FEAR of being recognized and praised for looking good, while at the same time you WANT to be recognized and praised for looking good?

Gosh, no wonder I eat to feel better. My emotions and feelings are a mess. I'm gonna have to noodle on this more and get if figured out soon.

Day 102 - 175.4 - Sucker for "Success Story" Magazines

In the past month or so, I've bought numerous celebrity mags because the covers are of formally fat girls who are now skinny. You know the ones-- Ricky Lake now weighs 120 pounds; Janet Jackson is still skinny a year later after losing 60 pounds; "We lost 100 pounds!" (non-celebrity skinny girls, but they're on the cover anyway).

I loved the pictures and stories from the latest "We lost 100 pounds!" issue. All the girls in bathing suits looked great. And like totally different people. All but one of those women RUN to keep their weight off. I found that incredibly inspiring, since I'm becoming a runner, too.

I liked the Ricky Lake article a lot too, because she seems so real, and she's a mom, and she's struggled with weight for a long time. I really hope she keeps it off this time.

I just read the Janet Jackson article last night. I thought it was crap. First of all, I read the article last year when she lost 60 pounds, and she said she had gained the weight for a part in a play or movie (can't remember which). And she lost it in, like, 3 months or something ridiculous. Now, a year later, the magazine is trying to make it sound like she's had a weight problem or something. What?! Since when? So she was a little chubby as a teenager, big deal. She's been skinny skinny for years, and the article proved it because they only had one chubby picture from back in the 80s.

Anyway, what really bothered me was the Q&A. The A's didn't sound like something a real person said-- it sounded like someone wrote answers for her. And they were not inspiring, not helpful, just insipid. "If you eat too much one day, just lighten up the next." or "Play sand volleyball a couple times a week and you'll get in great shape!" Whatever!

Not that I expect sage health advice from JJ. It's more me I'm irritated with. Why do I bother spending $3-$4 on these rags? I KNOW what it takes to lose weight. I have tons of success stories to read online. There's inspiration coming from all directions from the AFG links.

So why do I feel the need to keep up with Hollywood's weight loss dramas? (BTW, I refuse to buy anything with Kirstie Alley or Valerie Bertenelli on the cover-- I got really p/o'd at Valerie being all "I'm a size 14 and I need Jenny Craig! Help me lose 30 freakin' pounds!" Plus, I think Kirstie is just plain snotty and obnoxious and don't like her.)

I suppose it's because I want what they (allegedly) have. And for $3.95 I can briefly live vicariously through them. And dream of how great I'll look in another 30 pounds.

But that feeling doesn't last long, and more often than not I'm disappointed in the shallowness of the article anyway.

Next time Hollywood supplies a formerly- fat- now- thin former star, I'll spend my $3.95 on a latte.

Day 101 - 175.8 Ramblings

I'm in the triple digits, days-wise. 101 days of no ice cream, no pizza, no donuts, no doughy breadsticks, no chips, no cheese, no sugary cereal. 101 days of tracking my food--every day--and being mindful that what I put in my mouth directly affects the outcome of my weight loss efforts. 101 days closer to my ultimate weight loss goal.

And it's truly taken 101 days before my efforts SHOW on my body. Only now, after 28 pounds lost, does it look like I've lost weight. And I finally FEEL like I've lost weight. The image in the mirror looks slimmer. I feel slimmer.

I'm almost half way there. 35.8 pounds away from goal. That seems a lot more achievable than the 62 pounds I started out needing to lose.
****
Yesterday I bought a new bathing suit at JC Penney. Thankfully swimsuit designers have caught up with real women's bodies, and there are tons of tankini's and swim skirts available. I got a black swim skirt in size 14, and two tank top suits--one in a black and red poppy floral print that has a lot of chest support, and one in a rainbow stripe that really shows off my cleavage with a string tie around my neck. We took the kids to the pool yesterday and I wore the red floral, and felt comfortable out there. My body's not perfect, but it's okay for a mom of two.
****
I played with the dreaded BMI calculator this weekend, to see how I rate now. I'm officially out of the obese category and now am simply overweight. I won't be in the normal range until I weigh 149 pounds.
****
I'm trying to get off my antidepressant (Lexapro), and man is it weird. I'm going through the "brain zaps," which are freaky. Last night I felt like I had the flu, with chills and body aches. I felt sick to my stomach yesterday morning. I want to have s e x with my husband, which believe me, is totally not the norm. The brain zaps are the worst part.

I got online last night to figure out the symptoms of withdrawal, and all of these are included. Thankfully I'm not experiencing hallucinations or insomnia. The s e x thing is the funniest to me; I read that when the body is losing seratonin, it craves dopamine, and one way to increase dopamine production is through s e x (also through food, elicit drugs, and exercise--I'll be exercising a lot). Funny, because that's a GOOD side affect. The rest of them suck.

I've tapered down, and am taking 10 mg every 2 - 3 days. I need a pill splitter so I can start taking 5 mg every other day. I read that it can take months to get completely over the symptoms, sometimes up to 6 months! This is powerful stuff, man.

The reasons for getting off this med are many. First, we are self employed now and have health insurance through Cobra for another year. We got several insurance quotes a few months ago, and my antidepressant use was an issue. "It's for post partum depression" isn't going to work when my baby is 2 and 1/2 years old. So I gotta get "clean" from my Rx drug (this is the only Rx I take).

Also, I originally put on my weight 12 years ago when I went on Prozac. It wasn't widely known back then that SSRI's can cause weight gain. In fact, my doc told me I should lose weight on Prozac. Imagine my increased depression, one year later and 40 pounds heavier. It took 3 more years and a good therapist before I got off of Prozac and felt a little less guilt at gaining weight instead of losing.

I've been on and off SSRI's since I was 25. I think they are amazing, lifesaving drugs. I'll go back on one if I need it. I've never been the type to say "Oh, I don't want to be on medicine all my life." Hey, if the science is there and you need it, then use it. But I feel like I'm at a time when I can try to get off of it. And financially and physically, I need to be clean of this drug. I don't want anything hindering my loss, and I want to be at a normal weight and drug free the next time we apply for health insurance.
****
I cleaned out my closet Sunday afternoon. I knew most of the clothes that were too big, but had to try on a lot of the "back of the closet skinny clothes." Even most of those were too big! I kept one short black skirt and a couple of dresses that are 14/16's, and they look good--not too tight, not too big, just good. I had several pairs of jeans my sister had given me from her skinny days, and they fit great. So my closet is full now of clothes that fit me, that look good, and are smaller. My feet have even gotten smaller. My size 9's are too big, and I bought a size 8 sandal at Dressbarn Friday. I also went through some old jewelry and rings that haven't fit in years are on my fingers today. How strange to lose weight in feet and fingers.
****
We had the kids at the pool on Sunday and Monday. It felt like we were on vacation. So relaxed, lots of fresh air and sunshine. Went to dinner Monday at "Cheeseburger in Paradise," and Sophie played in the sand outside by our table. It really felt like a vacation then, with Jimmy Buffet songs in the background. I had a salad with grilled shrimp, dressing on the side, no wontons. Looked at the desserts on the menu; I'm sure they were delicious, but not for me. Not right now.

This is going to be a great summer.

Day 99 - 176.4 AND SIZE 12

I can't stop looking at the label in my new shorts-- size 12.

Friday I went to Dressbarn to get something to wear for Sophie's party, and took a few 12s with me into the dressing room just in case. Everything I tried on in a 12 fit. Not everything looked good (thank you What Not to Wear-- it's not ME, it's the clothes!), but it all fit. A solid 12.

I haven't been a 12 in 12 years. That was when I was on my way UP, and now I'm on my way down, so it's a Happy Twelve instead of the Sad Twelve back in 1995.

And, the best part, in pictures from Sophie's party I actually looked like a 12. Not like the Easter Picture Disaster of just 2 months ago. But I look good. Thinner all over. I'm wearing shorts and even though my legs are white white white, they look okay. I still have a belly and big ole boobs, but my shirt (size L) buttons don't pull and gape when I stand or sit.

So I am a happy little camper today.

And Sophie's party was a hit.

Day 97 - Accomplishment to Report / 177.0

Yesterday I ran for 25 minutes straight. 2 miles plus one minute. It got really tough at 15 minutes and again at 20 minutes, but after I hit 23 minutes I felt like I could keep going on and on and on. That was a great feeling. But time was an issue, and I didn't want to over do it just because I felt like I could.

Lots of errands today to finish things up for Sophie's party tomorrow. I'm hoping to find 45 minutes for myself at the gym.

Officially, my weight is now...

179.4

I've dropped into a new decade "officially."

Yippee!

Day 96 - 177.8

Just a quick check in. Weight's the same, which is okay. I haven't exercised much this week b/c of Sophie being sick.

Got my hair cut yesterday. It's pretty short! I had it this short about 3 years ago, and I like it but am not used to it yet. It's a lot lighter on my head and suits my weight loss so far.

Sophie's birthday is tomorrow and the big "Fairies and their Pets" party is Saturday. It's in our backyard and I've spent way too much money on decorations and treats for the girls. There will be around 15 girls all together. I am totally insane to do this at our house--it's much CHEAPER --believe it or not-- and easier to have it somewhere else, like the gymnastics place or Chuck E Cheese. Sophie specifically requested a party in her back yard, though, so what's a mom to do? SIX is a special year. I'm doing my best to make it a special party.

So it's all about the GIRL for the next few days.

I swear, I will not have cake. I swear, I will not have cake. I swear, I will NOT have cake! ;)

Day 93- 177.8

It's been a good week for weight loss for me. The scale at home has been steadily moving down. At today's weigh in at LAWL, I was down 2.6 pounds from last Monday. My "official" weight at LA is 180.4, a total loss of 26.8.

And the loss is really showing in my clothes. My bras are too big around my rib cage-- I measured the band area of my body, and it's 33" (my boobs have not shrunk yet, though-- still a 39" chest). So I need 34DDD bras. I'm suffering through with my 36DD's for now, because that's the last thing I want to spend money on.

My XL tops are getting too big; my XL stretchy black pants look really nice on me. I tried on a size 16 straight skirt in the back of my closet this morning, and it was huge on me. My workout pants are baggy, but that's not such a bad thing! I'm wearing workout tanks to the gym that fit, which I have from 5 years ago--the last time I was working out semi-regularly--so I look okay at the gym.

Naked, I still have HUGE thighs and butt (those will probably never be like I want them unless I get liposuction, which ain't happenin' anytime soon), but my back fat rolls are almost all gone, my stomach isn't "flat" but it's looking a lot better. My arm muscles are looking more defined and I am noticing my collar bone more.

Another cool perk to this weight loss is my running is getting closer to effortless. Not that I don't exert myself, just that I can run for 10 minutes at a time and I don't feel like I'm dying. I actually enjoy myself while running. I WANT to run. It's really cool.

Now, all this sounds like I've got it ALL together food wise and exercise wise. Nope. It's a struggle right now. I still want to deal with my stress by eating, and I have slipped a few times (the slips just don't involve Ben & Jerry's and have been in the 200-400 calorie range). When the craziness happens in life, I really want to hit the gym. But I don't have the option of just flying out of the house at any given moment to go for a run. So sometimes, I use food. A little food, but it's still food.

Day 89 - 179.8

At last, the scale moved down. AND into a new decade. Love it when that happens.

Sophie is dizzy again today, and with me at the office. I have a weigh in at LAWL that I missed yesterday and will take her with me today. Then a haircut for her at 4 p.m., and then HOPEFULLY she'll be okay to go to the kid's club at the gym (after I pick up Luke) and I can get a workout in. I need it!

ETA: Official weigh in = 182.6, down .4 since Monday. Total loss of 24.6.

Day 88 - 181 pounds - Another sick day

Last week it was the boy. Today it's the girl. What is it with my sick kiddos?

Sophie gets vertigo usually before she comes down with a virus, or it's vertigo before a migraine (the kid is almost 6 years old and already has to deal with this crap). Today I think it's the virus type, since she was dizzy this morning and didn't have light or touch sensitivity, and she's feeling better this afternoon. The virus type is the better, because it's not as dramatic (no vomiting, no prolonged time in the dark). But it probably means she'll be sick the next few days.

I took the boy to day care, swung by the office to pick up my laptop, and came home with the girl to do work while she rested. So far, I've cooked two recipes out of my LAWL cookbook (both dee-lish!), polished my nails, worked about 30 minutes, read blogs, eaten a snack, eaten lunch, and now blogging myself.

A real productive day, eh?

What the heck is going on weight wise, I don't know. Is it possible to gain/stay the same while ovulating? I don't really understand my cycle and when I gain/lose in the midst of it. I suppose I need to track it and figure it out.

Hoping I can still make it to the gym today. Yesterday was a rest day, but I cleaned the house last night like a mad woman since I had pent up energy from not going to the gym.

Now, being home and working in the kitchen, all I want to do is eat! It's only a tad after 1 p.m., and I have very little food left for the day. I'm thinking maybe a nap is in order. Oy.

Running Saturday

A special post to note that I kicked a$$ on the treadmill Saturday.

I went in the afternoon when it was completely dead in the gym, which was oddly peaceful. I started out watching TV while I walked (each piece of cardio equipment has it's own TV screen, and you can even play DVD movies on them--yes, it's as awesome as it sounds).

Usually I have to have my iPod music to RUN, to get my groove on and stay motivated, but Saturday TNT had "The Matrix 2" playing, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that movie. If I could be any movie character, it would be Trinity from the Matrix. Not because of Keanu Reeves, but because of her awesome body, killer black outfit, and amazing fight scenes. She's da bomb.

Watching the Matrix and listening to the music soundtrack was way better than my iPod mix. First, the fight scenes and chase scenes are practically all music anyway, so I still got my pounding beat in my ears. But mostly, while running and watching Trinity on the motorcycle on the freeway, I felt like I was on there with her! It is nutty, but I felt transported and barely noticed I was running.

I ended up running a total of 30 minutes (5 min run, 2 min walk, 5 min run , 2 min walk, 12 min run (ONE mile!), 2 min walk, 8 min run) all at 5 mph. My total time was 52 minutes and 4.0 miles. The most I've done on the treadmill so far.

I was on such a high. Truly, I could have kept going and going and going. But I had kids to take home and a husband waiting to see us. I'll have to bring my Matrix DVD with me next time to experience that again. I'm not ready for the leather cat suit yet, but maybe someday........

Day 86 - 180.6 - Mother's Day reflections

Yesterday was a gorgeous day here. Low 70s, sunny, low humidity. VERY unlike So. Indiana in May. So we took advantage of it.

After church, we had a quick lunch at home and then DD and I went outside and planted flowers in the front landscaping. Then DS woke up from his nap and we went in the backyard and all of us played together. DH went to a yoga class, and my mom and step-dad came over and played with the kids while I dug around in the backyard landscaping. I spent two hours with gardening gloves on, and it felt great. The kids had a blast playing in the yard with the frisbee and soccer balls and grandma and grandpa.

I then took the kids to the gym and did 30 minutes on the recumbent bike while I read Self and Shape. It was a nice break from the treadmill and I actually felt relaxed afterwards. Then DH picked up kids after Yoga and I got to see them both before my Pilates class. Pilates was taught by an instructor who just had a baby 4 weeks ago (!) and it was pretty basic and not very challenging, but really, it's about what I needed after gardening for a couple hours. This morning my glutes were hurting in places they haven't before, so she did something right!

It was a lovely Mother's Day.

P.S. I had asked DH not to buy my anything. My birthday is in April and our anniversary is in March, so by May I feel like I've gotten all the presents I need until Christmas, so we're low key about Mother's Day. He got up with the baby at 6:30 a.m., which was the only present I wanted.

Day 83 - 181.2 - Binge yesterday

So yesterday I had my first real binge since being on LAWL. Everything just got to be too much-- My son was sick and I was home all day with him, sitting on my big butt watching TV. I didn't get to do my Thursday Step class. DH has been out of town since Tuesday. My house is a freaking disaster.

After I put the baby down to sleep at 6:30 pm, I had my LA Lite, and had been on plan all day. But I couldn't stop after eating the LA Lite. I just wanted to get NUMB. Here's the laundry list:
1/3 of a tub of frozen cool whip free
2 pkgs of LAWL cookies (90 cals each)
1 LA Lite (not OP, 160 calories)
2 mini 3 musketeers

It could have been worse. But it was bad enough that I was in a food coma for a few hours and made my daughter watch TV while I slept on the couch. I was just at such an emotional low and had no way out. I want to cry now thinking about it-- not because I ate the food, but because I just felt so alone and helpless.

Going through this has shown me a couple of things.

1) I NEED the gym for my feel-good hormones and to keep me on track. A big reason why I wanted to eat was I felt resentful I didn't get to go to MY Thursday step class.

2) I'm not immune to binge or emotional eating. Yes, I've been "good" for almost 3 months. No, I'm not perfect or a diet saint. I've still got issues with food. And they are obviously very close to the surface.

Thank God DH will be home this afternoon and I will get to go to the gym for a date with the treadmill. I think I'll throw in some crunches and push ups for good measure.

Day 82 - 181.4 and 20 minutes running

Yesterday at the gym, I went to take the weight lifting class, but the gym had messed up the instructor schedule so there was no class. Frustrating because we all waited for 15 minutes until we heard from the front desk there was definitely no class.

So I hit the treadmill. I was determined to do 20 minutes... that magical and often dreaded place on the C25K plan when you are really pushed to RUN. I did 12 minutes at 5.0 mph, and then backed down to 4.8 and finished the last 8 minutes. Running is such a mind game for me. "One more minute and you can quit. Okay, just 5 more minutes and you can quit. Now, that wasn't so bad, just run through this song and if you need to you can quit." And so on and so on. Until before I know it, I've run 20 minutes.

Today the baby boy is sick-- fever, I hope from his two two-year-old molars coming in. So I'm completely off schedule and out of sorts and haven't even showered yet (it's 2 p.m.). Not sure if he'll be feeling okay for an hour's stay at the kid's club at the gym for my step aerobics class. I may have to put my kiddo's needs before mine and stay home instead. ;-)

I've been watching "The Biggest Loser" reruns on Style network today, 4 of them back to back, and they're on the finale from the 2004 season. I love watching people lose weight. It's like "blogworld" only on TV.

Day 81 - 182 - Goals

My weight is up a bit today, not sure why. Ah, well, such is the life of the dieter. Onward and downward.
******
So I've been thinking about my GOALS, after reading a few other blogs and noticing a recurring theme that successful losers set and achieve their goals. Here are a few of mine:

Weigh 145 pounds (acceptable)
Weigh 135 pounds (better)
Weigh 125 pounds (ultimate)

Run a 5K
Run my city's Half Marathon in Oct 2008
Run Indianapolis's Half Marathon in April 2009

Have defined arm and leg muscles that look great in shorts and sleeveless shirts

Play with my kids by the pool or on the beach-- in a bathing suit-- without being self conscious

KEEP the weight off for the rest of my life

Help others lose weight and achieve their goals, either through volunteer work or by teaching classes (not sure how this will work, just know it's something I want to do)

Inspire my children to be healthy and active

Day 79 - 181.4 The Scale

I bought a new scale about a week ago. My old one weighed in .5 and the new one is in .2 lbs. It's also more accurate.

I put the old one in DH's bathroom so he wouldn't have to come to my bathroom and weigh. Which presents a problem, because now I have two scales in my house. Scale 'ho that I am, this morning I got on my new scale and it read 181.4. I wanted to see a lower number, because I knew the old scale weighs lighter, so I walked down to DH's bathroom and sure enough, it read 180.

So I'm not so screwed up that I plan on this being routine. But the fact that I KNEW it would be a lower number and I felt better about myself because of the FALSE READING.... what does that say about me?

I guess it says I'm pretty desperate to get this weight off. Or just plain desperate. If my naked trip down the hallway becomes a regular one, I'll know a scalectomy is in order and the old scale will end up at the curb.

Day 76 - Changing Priorities

First thing-- the scale is back down today. Mine reported 182; LAWL official is 183.4. Total of 23.6 pounds GONE.
*****

Today I was looking at the schedule for the summer dance class my daughter wants to start going to. A couple months ago I had circled "Thursday 5:30-6:30" on the class offerings. And also the 5:30-6:15 Tot & Me gymnastics for the toddler boy in our house who uses the coffee table as his gymnastic equipment.

Thursday was an open night, that's a good time from school/work standpoint, and both kids could do an activity at the same time. There's just one problem now.

Group Step.

For the past two Thursdays I've taken the step aerobics class at 5:30. The first class kicked my butt--it was complicated and exhausting, but I did it. Last night, it was still hard but I'm getting better, and I really liked how tired I was afterwards. Plus, the Fridays after I've had big losses. Coincidence? Could be, but who am I to mess with the scale goddess?

So the thing about this class is-- it's only one of two aerobics classes I can take. The rest of the classes are at wrong times or are weight lifting, and I want to do this Thursday class so I can keep up the variety and intensity of my workouts.

In the past, I have sacrificed for my family, putting myself last. In the past, I'd have signed up Sophie for the 5:30 Thursday class regardless of what I had going on.

Something's happening with me, that I don't want to just GIVE UP what makes me feel good.

So my daughter will probably take the Monday at 4:30 class, and my son won't take a class at all(he's only 18 months, there's lots of time). I'll have to leave the office earlier, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. :)

Day 75

The scale's jumped a wee bit - to 183.2. I have to admit it's disappointing, but it's that mind game the scale likes to play with me.

I've started the Take Off plan today-- 32 oz Take Off juice, 6 oz protein, 1 c cooked veggies, 2 LA Lites, lots of water, that's it! I'll repeat that diet again tomorrow. It should jump start my loss into the 170s.

Yesterday I ran for 15 minutes straight @ 5.0 mph. A total of 3 miles in 42 minutes. The last .15 miles I ran at 5.7 mph, which was tough. But I felt great afterwards. Tonight I'm doing step aerobics.

It's busy at work, so nothing more to post now.

Day 72 - 182.4

Getting closer and closer to the 170s. Hoping by next week I'll see them.

I did back to back classes at the gym yesterday - 60 min of power cardio which was the hardest class I've ever taken (jumping jacks, running around the track, medicine ball stuff, drills up and down the floor, step aerobics stuff, kick boxing, more running around the track- but I did it!) and then 60 minutes of pilates which was lovely after the jarring cardio class.

I was exhausted afterwards. Had to take my two kids and go to the grocery store, get them and me dinner, get the boy to bed, get the girl a bath and to bed, and then I did laundry. I was even more exhausted. So what'd I do? Read People magazine until 11 p.m.

So this morning I'm really tired since I only got 7 hours sleep (an eternity for some, about 2 hours shy of what my body truly needs). But all in all it was a great night. I feel so GOOD that I did those classes. And my kids had a fun time in the Kids Club and I got two whole hours just for me. Precious.

Day 71 - Bites of This and That

I posted a comment over on Jen's Weight Watcher's blog, which shows some of my frustration from the past few days:

"I have been taking bites of food lately-- a bite of cake at a wedding, a bite of the kids' breakfast. The bites are adding up, not just on the scale, but on the "it doesn't count" food intake list. I've even had two off plan biscottis at night before bedtime this past week. NOT good habits to be falling back into.

Emotional eating, stress eating, envy eating-- whatever it is, it's eating, and the Inner Fat Girl is smirking and hoping she's going to win the war. Let's tell the Inner Fat Girl that we love her, we
understand she has needs, but she needs to go take a nap because Skinny Girl lives here now. She may have lost a battle or two, but Skinny Girl's here for good and is flying her flag high! "

This morning was a tough one, after a difficult Saturday. Husband is sick with a chest cold and has basically been in bed for two days straight. My son was up at 5 a.m. crying-- I let him cry for 30 minutes hoping he'd go back to sleep, and when he didn't I got up, changed his diaper, gave him some milk in a sippy cup, rocked him a while, then put him back in his crib. He started crying again until about 6:30, when I got up again, gave him tylenol and his passy, and prayed he go to sleep. At 7ish, I asked my husband to get him because I'd been awake for 2 hours and needed to sleep (I didn't go to bed until after 11, and I need my sleep!).

So with my sleep messed up, husband sick and tired, and the baby a crabby mess, we skipped church. Which I hate doing. My daughter loves Sunday School and I don't like keeping her away from it. And I NEED church at the beginning of the week to get me some perspective on life.

On the food front, this lack of sleep, stress because I have no help with the kids, and guilt for keeping the family home from church-- all adds up to the slippery slope of WANTING comfort food. And I did the "bite" thing this morning-- a bite of leftover wedding cake (from my mom's wedding yesterday-- a post for later), a bite of toaster scrambler off the baby's tray. And wanting more.

So, I've read the blogs this a.m., and the baby's down for his nap, my little girl is making a masterpiece with Playdoh, and I'm going to do laundry. And now I'm feeling stronger.

Going to take the kids with me to the gym at 3:30 and I'm doing a power aerobics class and a pilates class -- 2 hours just for me and my Skinny Girl. It's not church, but I'll be working on my body which is God's temple and that's much better than communing with sugar and fat temptations.

What a difference a few hours make

So after my grumpy and tired post, I had to go do 2 1/2 hours of continuing ed on a computer at the local Prometric testing center for my securities license CE requirement. There's nothing like mind-numbing scenarios and hypothetical ethical questions related to the stock market to help you get a good nap. Seriously, I practically slept my way through it.

After that I went to LAWL for my Friday weigh in, and was down 2.4 pounds. Yippee! A total of 21.2 pounds. Wow oh wow, I've crossed the 20 pound mark. I'm 1/3 of the way to my goal. And, more importantly, I'm really excited about working out and can't wait to get to the gym every day.

The big question is-- how do I keep up the momentum? I'm gonna have to figure that one out.

Day 69 - Grumpy and Tired

We are not in a good mood today. We are quite irritated that the new $279 microwave we bought last week did not work properly, which we did not discover until after having it installed for $75. We are further annoyed that the replacement microwave we fetched from Best Buy does not line up properly with the existing holes in the cabinet, causing we and husband to have words and a still non-functioning microwave sitting on the kitchen counter.

And we are further not amused that the installation gent who we are hoping can get the microwave installed successfully, will probably charge another $75, which we will hand over with glee because really, we are lucky to have this bloke coming to the house on a Saturday to do something that neither we nor husband can do.

We are also not amused that husband was a bossy grouch this morning. We are not amused that the scale is the same as it has been since Tuesday (yes, we know, we are impatient). We are also not amused that we are PMSing, zit-faced, tired, and generally in an utterly pissy mood.

The final insult is that we did not stop for our morning latte, as we planned to drink an LA Latte at the office, only to discover that we had finished off the LA Lattes yesterday. We are without caffeine and we are not happy about it.

We are hoping tomorrow is a better day.

One year anniversary

Today is my one year anniversary on blogger. Last year on April 26, I weighed 207 pounds and was a depressed, lost mess. Last year was a tough year.

This year is, thank God, shaping up to be a good one. Our business is going well, Husband's health is stable, the kids are healthy and growing, and I'm feeling more in control of my life.

And today I weighed 183 pounds.

More later...

A new food plan

Today at my LAWL appointment, I stayed the same-- 187.8. And the counselor (Jodi, one of my favorites) said "I have exciting news for you!" Waiting to hear she's set a wedding date or something else wonderful in her life. "You get to move to a new plan today!"

I knew at 187 I'd go down to the next level plan, meaning LESS FOOD. I was just expecting to have .8 more pounds to get there. No biggie, I like new things and I got a cool new "gold" food plan book with my portions, etc, in it.

THE NEW PLAN--
I now get to eat less protein, 2 oz less in general--thank goodness, I was having a hard time eating 5 ounces of cooked pork chop yesterday. 5 ounces of meat is A LOT! when you weigh it on a scale. And 7 oz of cooked chicken is HUGE-- much better to eat 5 oz of cooked chicken. So I'm good with that.

But I also lose a vegetable. WHAT? A veggie gets taken away? It's ONLY 1/2 a cup of cooked veggie or 1 cup of salad, but I love me my veggies and I don't wants to lose 'em. I never thought I'd say THAT. Has hell frozen over? Anyone? Anyone? This from the girl who grew up eating peanut butter (Jiff) on bread (white) and Campbell's (accept no substitute) tomato soup made with milk; oh, and cereal a couple times a day. (Seriously, this was my diet for most of my childhood and teens.)

One of my friends from church who started LAWL a couple months before me, had said she doesn't measure her veggies. She figures they're vegetables, how many calories can they have? I couldn't believe it when she said that, and thought to myself-- um, yeah, that's true but there's a REASON they give you portion sizes instead of saying "unlimited" veggies. I haven't seen her for a few weeks, and am not sure how she's doing, but I think her loss was going okay but not fast. And that's fine, if that's the way she's going to do it. It's her body.

I personally measure everything (okay, sometimes I'll grab a handful of lettuce because I've measured it enough to know my handful = 1 cup). Cause I want this weight off this year and I'm not paying an arm & a leg to LAWL to languish about with 1/2 pound losses every week. So if they say 3 veggies, I'm eating only 3 veggies, measured properly (okay okay, I'll start measuring my lettuce again).

So this is week 10-- 10 weeks of filling in my food diary every day. 10 weeks of meeting with a counselor and weighing in 3 times a week (two of those weeks I went only twice because a kid or I was sick). 10 weeks of weighing my proteins, fixing my eating faux pas (too many frozen meals! too much cottage cheese! don't eat 12 baby carrots at once, only 6 at a time!), measuring broccoli, asparagus, lettuce, salad dressing, peanut butter, etc. 10 weeks of feeling better a week at a time. 10 weeks and 19.2 pounds gone.

Day 67 - another 1/2 pound down

Scale this a.m. was 183. Lowest I've been in almost 10 years.

Worked out yesterday, doing the Group Power class (weights) and 35 minutes slow(er) walking on the treadmill. I can finally do lunges with weights, and can feel my quads getting stronger. I did 16 triceps dips in a row (those are killer). It's so cool to feel my body getting stronger.

We have a funeral for a client this afternoon, so I don't know if I'll make it to the gym or not. She died suddenly, in church on Sunday-- a heart attack, right there in church. I had just talked with her on Friday, so it got to me yesterday when I learned she had died. We'd just met with her a few weeks ago and she was fine, happy and healthy. Life turns so quickly.

Okay, on a lighter note, I need new gym clothes. My pants are getting really loose, but still look alright. I'm thinking when I hit 175 I'll reward myself with a few new pairs of pants. The tops will still fit for a while, unless my boobs just decide to shrink overnight (I can only hope). So far, they aren't shrinking at all. I'd really like to get into a single LETTER bra size. Eventually, I'm sure I will be down to a D cup, but when oh when?

Day 66 - 183.5

Yay, the scale is moving down. Another pound today, and closer to a new "decade."

I ran 13 minutes straight yesterday @ 5.0 mph. I pushed through that extra minute after I'd finished a mile. Today I'll walk only, planning on 45 minutes @ 4.0 mph with a 1.0 incline.

Had Brussels sprouts yesterday for dinner, with a tsp of butter. Oh. My. Gosh. I have never cooked these at home, and have only had them once at a family dinner. In my effort to try new foods and get out of a food rut, I thought I'd try them. They were so very tasty, especially with the butter, which is totally allowed on my plan. I'll be making those little tasties again, for sure.

This morning I had a pork chop for breakfast. First time I've had pork on my plan. They were okay. I'm not a real fan of pork unless it's smothered in BBQ attached to a rib, or in the form of crispy bacon. But I had something new, and I'm sure it will contribute to the scale going down some more.

Day 65 - week 10

This is the beginning of week 10 with LAWL. I'm .8 pounds away from a total of 20 pounds lost. Today's official weight was 187.8 (home scale = 184.5). I am almost 1/3 of the way there. And I'm still on track and even getting more into exercise and feeling better, so the food demons are staying away.

Pilates again on Sunday night. It was a tough class but gosh I love making my body work like that. I'm planning on walk/running today and a trip to the grocery store with the kids afterwards. I've eaten all the fresh fruits and veggies in my house, and not a thing went to waste, which is a new one for our family.

My collar bones are starting to emerge, not really visible to anyone but me, but coming closer to the surface. I've got muscles in my shoulders I can feel the curve of, even though the fat is still covering up the definition for the outside world to see. My calf muscles are visible when I stand on my tiptoes (I love that). And I can climb the stairs at our office in heals while loaded down with my laptop, purse, and bag, and not feel like my legs are going to give out.

I can only imagine how different my body will look and feel in another 10 weeks. Picture it:
Scale = 165 pounds
I can run 3 miles at a time-- my first 5 k!
I've got collar bones!
My original wedding band and engagement ring fit again.
I've got a new bathing suit from Land's End in a size 14 (maybe even a 12) that looks great on me.
I wear shorts and skorts all the time to show off the muscles in my calves and quads.
Sleeveless shirts are the norm in my summer wardrobe.
I wear my hair pulled back and off my face because I no longer hide my double chin with my coif.
I'm in the gym 5 or 6 days a week, and it's my favorite part of the day.

Yep, this is going to be ME the week of July 4. I'm sure to enjoy the fireworks and pool parties more than ever.

Day 63 - Belly of the Beast

Today was the big yard sale-- I've functioned all day on 4 hours of sleep (plus a double espresso latte, but who's counting). It went well, as those things go. I'm just glad it's over.

Here's the thing about my sister's house, where the sale was and where my kids and I slept last night--

It's a junk food junkie's paradise.

She has every imaginable junk food. Last night when I got to her house after my daughter's school play, here's what I scoped out right away:
*fruit loops, lucky charms--new boxes unopened, still in the grocery bags on the counter
*pop tarts in cabinet
*Easter candy, lots of chocolate types
*chocolate ice cream in the freezer, my favorite brand (Edy's slow churned)
*mini muffins, chocolate chip
*cereal bars (not so bad, but hard to eat just one)
*white bread
*Mt Dew

My sister knows I'm doing LAWL. I explained to her I'd have to bring my own food, unless she had fresh fruits and veggies, which I knew she wouldn't. God bless her, she called me Friday afternoon and asked what I wanted and she'd get it for me, since she had to go to the store anyway (I would have had to, because the fridge is empty at my house too, but because I've eaten it all and need to restock).

So I was protected with my carrots, cauliflower, apples, LAWL shake, and chicken breasts. But don't think for a minute it was easy to pass by all the CRAP just laying in wait. The food in her house is the stuff of my childhood, the comfort of comforts, the Luckiest of Charms. Which is why it's in her house, since it was in her childhood too. She just hasn't chosen to deal with her food demons like I have (she's also significantly overweight, size 20ish, and she smokes).

I was really proud of myself for sticking to my plan and not indulging even a little. I love my sister, and she's one of my best friends, so I'm not even going to go there about how I wish she'd change her ways. They are HER ways, she's a comforter of others, and needs a lot of comfort herself. She does that with food. She doesn't push food on me, so it's all good. At least, until she gets about 10 years older and starts to have serious health problems, but I can't make her change and instead I choose to love her for who she is.

That was the landscape I was in today. The lack of sleep, abandunce and availability of junk food, the weight gain yesterday, the stress of being around Mom all day and seeing my Dad and his wife this afternoon-- all could have contributed to a "what the hell" day. It didn't. I stuck it out and had an OP day.

I just hope the scale plays along tomorrow morning and rewards me with a loss.

Ran a Mile on Friday

Wanted to mark the occasion-- I ran a mile Friday, at 5.0 mph. I had walked for about 10 minutes, picked it up and planned to run for 5 minutes, and then pushed it to 10, then thought, what the heck what's 2 more minutes? And by golly I had run a mile before I knew what had happened.

I had no problem stopping after 12 minutes, because I was beat! But it felt great. I finished with walking, for a total of 30 minutes on the treadmill, then did 15 minutes on the elliptical, which I'm starting to like as a complement to the treadmill.

I also did some sit ups after and had a good stretch. Loved the workout on Friday.

Day 62 - 185.5

My scale's kind of stuck. I've been at this weight all week at home, and had reached it last week. I know it's normal to level out for a while, and it's definitely not a plateau, I just don't like it that it's not moving down .5 to 1 pound every few days like it has been. I've got to adjust my mind set, now that almost 20 pounds is gone. The weight might not melt off some weeks, but I'm going to continue to eat healthfully and exercise. ETA: At weigh in today at LAWL, a gain of 1.4 pounds, for official weight at 190 (suck-y :( )

A momentous day yesterday for me. I found two grey hairs. Finding only 2, but know there's more. I'm very vain about my hair, always have been. So this grey, old lady hair thing has me a little freaked out. My Nice & Easy color won't cover the grey like it does my normal mousy brown. And the grey is just one more reminder I'm getting older. Before you know it, I'll have to get glasses due to presbyopia.

My mom got glasses when she turned 40, and had had perfect vision until then. So you see, this whole getting old thing making me nervous is really about me being afraid of turning into my MOM. When I look at my SIL, who is in her mid 50s and in fabulous shape physically thanks to yoga and walking, I know it's not age that's the issue. It's NOT TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF AS YOU AGE that's the issue. And I'm taking care of myself. Now. But my mom-- never has. She takes care of everyone else, let's people (including me) take advantage of her giving nature, and doesn't stand up for HER time, HER needs, HER self. Low self esteem, or whatever.

She's a lovely, giving, kind person. I love her very much. But she drives me nuts sometimes, and I have major emotional, guilt issues with her and how she raised me and allowed me to raise myself in many ways. IF MY DAUGHTER ever came home at age 12 and told me she had ridden a motorcycle with an 18 year old, and later that same daughter came home with that 18 year old's high school ring, and later continued to "date" that same 18 year old, you can bet your life I would have stopped that "relationship" before it even got started. I cannot fathom letting my darling Sophie EVER date an ADULT at age 12! It makes my head spin, what she and my dad allowed, now that I'M the mom.

There's too much pain still here about this. I know I need to work through it, and have some, but it's buried so deep I can't dig it all up right now.

But, to get back to the getting old thing, I think it's about not wanting to turn into my Mom. I'm NOT my mom, and have made a wonderful life and have an amazing family, and I'm getting older and BETTER. By the time I'm 40, I'll be in better shape physically (and mentally) than I ever was at 30. So I'm going to hold onto that, and keep telling myself that.

And probably make an appointment with my hair stylist for a color and highlight.

Day 61

I'm finally feeling so much better today. No fever last night, none today. It hit me after I got out of the shower-- Hey, I feel GOOD!

I made it to the gym last night, and my daughter was fine in the Kid's Club. She had this gym confused with another that we used to belong to, which my DH had taken her to last year. That gym's idea of a kid's center is an old office with some baby toys in it. So it's no wonder she didn't want to go back there. My gym's Kid's Club has gobs of toys and lots for her to do, and even other little girls just like her! She immediately went to the toys and soon after I left her there, she made a new friend. My son--he's the hit of the club... he is always happy and quite low maintenance for a toddler.

My workout was good, although I had in my head I was going to Pilates instead of Group Power, so I was a bit disappointed when I got to the exercise room. The Pilates workout Sunday was SO good, my muscles really were feeling it for a couple of days. Group Power was good, though, and I'm feeling muscle tightness from that class. This afternoon I'm doing the treadmill--walking with incline and some running.

I did something different for breakfast. I had a ground sirloin burger. Been trying to figure out how to get protein in for breakfast, when I can only have eggs 2 times per week and I hated the oatmeal/peanut butter concoction yesterday (blech). DUH eat meat at breakfast. It was strange, I admit, heating up my Foreman-esque grill and patting out meat at 6:30 a.m. But, it tasted good and I was screaming hungry and it fit the bill. I was full all morning. Think I'll be eating meat for breakfast on a regular basis now.

Just got back from a two hour lunch (when the husband's away, the wife will play...). Got my nails and toes done. Yummy. They are so pretty and French now. Ooh la la.

While in the pedicure chair (with magic massage fingers), a lady came over to get her toes done as I was getting finished up. We chatted a bit, and she got on the topic of coffee flavored ice cream. She and her girl were talking about this great flavor by Edy's and I nodded my head, agreed I love ice cream, but said I hadn't had any for 2 months. WOW! they said. Yeah, LA Weight Loss. "How much have you lost?" 19 pounds (it seemed simpler and less goofy than 18.4, which is the actual number), I said, 40 more to go. (You'd think I'd know better.) "What? You don't need to lose that much!" (And what do I say to that? Something monumentally embarrassing.) Well, yes, thanks, but I do. Because I weigh 185 pounds. "Well you sure don't look like it." Well, thanks. And then I'm done and have to walk my fat @ s s across the room to dry my toes and the stranger clearly gets a look at my 185 pound body. "Okay, now I see where those 40 pounds will come from," I'm sure she's thinking. I just tell her to enjoy her son's wedding this weekend and her nails look great.

WHY would I tell a total stranger, and the girl who regularly does my pedicures, what I weigh? I am officially seeking attention on this weight loss thing and obviously have issues. Oh. My. I'm gonna have to noodle on this one. And remember to keep my mouth shut and just smile and nod when people talk food porn in front of me.

Day 60

I'm feeling better, but just barely. Still had a low grade fever this morning and my energy isn't what it should be.

DH is leaving for a business trip to NY this afternoon and will be gone until Sunday. Something I have to share which is a huge improvement mentally for me. When DH used to go anywhere without me, on business or whatever, I'd get excited because I could plan to eat whatever I wanted. I'd buy Ben & Jerry's, cinnamon rolls, pizza, cookies, donuts, and do nothing but eat while he was gone. I'd hide the leftovers and containers at the bottom of the trash can so he wouldn't know.

Today I'm bummed he's leaving because he usually picks up the kids on Wednesday's so I can go to the gym and workout. NO thoughts of Phish Food or the Pillsbury Dough Boy, just bummed I might miss my weight workout. This is HUGE for me.

The gym has a Kid's Club, where I can take my kids so I can work out, but DD is having major issues with me leaving her there. She says it's boring, it's no fun, she doesn't want me to leave her there, and she's cried over it. We quit this club almost 2 years ago, and I just rejoined recently and she hasn't been back yet, so I don't know why she hates it so much from when she was 4. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I need to workout, but I don't want my almost-6 year old throwing a tantrum at the gym. Oy.

Official weigh in at LAWL has me at 188.6, down .6 from Friday. Only 1.6 more pounds and I'll have lost officially 20 pounds. It feels really good to be "solidly" in the 180s, another digit safely distancing me from the 200s (shudder).

Day 59

There's nothing like feeling like crap for a few days to make you appreciate your health.

I still have no energy, feel slightly feverish and achy, yet I came to work today and will take care of kiddos tonight. Fever has racked my body every night since Saturday-- freezing cold even under a down blanket and in a thick robe, then hot sweats when my fever breaks and I'm damp and disgusting when I wake up. I pray that there's no more fever tonight. It's really not pleasant.

I've had no desire to eat today but have made myself so I don't go into starvation mode and esp. so I don't get a headache from no food. I do have a desire to go to the gym, but what my mind wants, my body is clearing not cooperating.

Husband goes to New York for business tomorrow and will be gone until Sunday, so I'm a single parent for a few days. My daughter's school play is Friday (she sings and dances with her class--she's a Rocketship). Husband will miss it, unfortunately. Saturday I'm going to my sister's house for a garage sale. I'm supposed to be bringing my stuff to sell, but have done little to get ready for it. As I'm feeling crummy still today, I doubt that I'll do much more.

I'm mentally gearing up to lose another 10 pounds-- I really really want to be down to 175. That's a significant milestone. It means I'm close to being in a size 12. 10 pounds by June 1 is a totally doable goal, so that's what I'm shooting for.

Day 58 - sick day

Had a flu-like virus that has kept me down today. Fever, chills, aches, ugh. I hate being sick. I even went to the doctor, since I had to miss work and wanted to make sure it wasn't something besides a virus. Yep, it's a virus, he said.

Friday was a great day-- My birthday! It was a day of beauty for me, first getting my eyebrows done with permanent makeup... I have tweezed away my eyebrows into oblivion, and decided to get them tattooed back on (they look great, by the way, even though it hurt like heck). Then I had a massage and a facial, then went to the gym, then out to dinner and a movie with my husband (saw "The Hoax," which was really fun). It was a great day.

Sunday I took a Pilates class at the gym and loved it! I hope to add that class to my weekly routine, since it's really a nice way to end the weekend from 5-6 p.m. and better than my typical lazy Sunday afternoon routine.

I've gained a pound, not exactly sure why. I did eat an extra fruit on Saturday and an extra protein on Sunday, and I'm probably retaining some water. I'm not freaking out about it, just pondering the scale's number for the past few days. 186 today.

I still feel crummy, although I did pick up kids after school/daycare, and have been out of bed for the past hour. I think I'm quickly running out of what little steam I had.

Dinner will be broccoli and salad, and lots of water. Gotta get more poundage off this week.

Day 53 -- Meltdown Plan

Yesterday I started my two day "Take Off" plan with LAWL. Today I was rewarded at weigh in with a 2 pound loss. The loss is partly that I had let myself get very dry--drinking very little water before weigh in. Usu. I'll have had 2-3 cups of water in the a.m. and don't eliminate it all before weigh in. But hopefully it's a loss that will hold the rest of the week. A total of 18 pounds.

Here's the Take Off plan (for Vickie =).
Breakfast= 8 oz Take Off juice (OJ blend with vit/min)
AM Snack=8 oz TO juice and LA Lite protein bar
Lunch=3 oz protein and 1/2 cup cooked green veggies
PM Snack=8 oz TO juice and LA Lite protein bar
Dinner=3 oz protein (same type as lunch) and 1/2 cup cooked green veggies
1/2 tsp Morton Lite Salt for potassium
Lots of water

This is the 2nd time I've done this plan, and it's not easy, but by day 2 I'm pretty used to it. And when it's over, I'm thrilled at how MUCH food I have to eat on my regular plan. That's the best part of this, I think-- that is makes me appreciate the healthy food I'm eating every day.

This modified juice fast is nothing like the Master Cleanse, which is what some people have done with success, including my husband, which is how I know about it. The Master Cleanse is brutal-- NO FOOD. It's a true liquid fast and supposedly your body gets what it needs from the water-lemon juice-maple syrup-cayenne pepper concoction that you drink. I don't remember how many ounces of this drink my husband had each day, but he lived on it for 10 days. It actually got him through a difficult time getting off of nicotine gum, caffeine, and junk food. He used to consume massive amounts of Diet Mt Dew and Nicorette, and the "all or nothing" of the fasting diet saved his life ('cause I was gonna kill him if he didn't stop with the excessive consumption of this bad, bad stuff).

The Master Cleanse is a paperback book you can get from Amazon, which we have and I've read part of and I think is pretty goofy in it's "science," but many people swear by it. My brother-in-law in Colorado does it on a regular basis, and he's in fabulous shape and extremely healthy (and in his 50s).

At the rate I'm going, finishing up month two on Saturday, I'll hit my goal in September, as planned. I'll be in a size 12 by summer, which will be a real thrill and a size I haven't seen in 10 years.

Day 51

After a not so great weekend of eating a little too much Easter candy and having rich eggs and a wee bit of pastry on Sunday, I stayed the same at weigh in this afternoon. Official weight = 191.2
Starting a "Melt Down" program for the next two months, where I do the 2 day juice drink plan every 2 weeks. I'd love to be melted down by summer!

More later....

Pictures

Last night at our friends' house, my friend Paula gave me her pictures from Palm Sunday's Easter egg hunt. There were some sweet ones of the kids. My daughter is getting so grown up and looks beautiful in the sunshine in her pink flowy dress with her straight hair and fair skin. My son's picture is of him after eating some candy, his cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk. He is getting taller and more slender as he grows, losing his baby belly.

Then there's the picture of me holding my son. Oh. My. I could have done without seeing that for the rest of my life. A week ago I felt so confident about my new outfit and how I looked in a size smaller clothing. All it takes to shake that apart is a photo of the truth-- I still weigh over 190 pounds and it's not pretty on film! Fat arms, very full thighs, double chin, and full cheeks (and when did my eyebrows get so thin? I think I've overtweezed lately). The baby was hiding my belly, so at least I didn't have to see that on film.

I'm surprised at how bummed it made me, and how my reaction was to WANT junk food. I ate my LA Lite (double chocolate bar) in the car on the way home (which I NEVER do). Thankfully at home I was distracted by my daughter's meltdown of not getting the eggs she decorated that night, so I didn't have the opportunity to stuff my face. But I am afraid that I would have. I was so ready to just toss it in, so depressed at what I saw in the picture. I did have about 6 spoons of cool whip free, which weren't "free" and didn't fill my emotional emptiness.

It's not rational, this reaction. I know that. I'm falling back to my comfortable old habit of stuffing down my uncomfortable feelings with food. At least wanting to stuff them down. It frightens me how closely to the surface that habit still is. How close I was to just throwing away the past 7 weeks of hard work.

Today and tomorrow will be busy days, which will at least keep me out of the way of food --notwithstanding the birthday cake and pizza I'll say no to at my daughter's friend's birthday party today, the Easter candy I'll say no to tomorrow morning, and the Easter delights at Sunday brunch. The food temptations in public aren't the problem. It's the all alone food that haunts me.

I'm down 16 pounds in 48 days. I'm exercising. I'm still On Plan. I'm going to be all right. And next Easter? I'm gonna look hot not only in my mind, but on film.

Day 48

Scale at home was a solid 187, even 186.5 one time (I am a scale wh*re, getting on and off until I know it's "right"). I am wearing a size L cotton print shirt from Dress Barn, and size 14 pants from Crazy Horse (JC Penney brand). And they fit and look good.

I am not skinny, I am not at goal, I am not a perfect size 6. BUT, I feel better about myself, more confident, happier to put on clothes that FIT. And that has to show in my attitude.

My DH commented last night, after I had my hair cut yesterday, that I was going through a total makeover and it looked good on me. FINALLY he is noticing and saying something.

My muscles are s-o-r-e from Wednesday and yesterday's walk/run. Thank goodness for Advil. Not sure what exercise I'm going to do today, but I'll do something.

Last night I didn't get to do any pilates (Vickie, I got the Gaiam combo pack from Target with Abs by the Caban girl, and Legs by ?--I'll check who it is). I laid down with DD at 8 p.m. and fell asleep. DH had gone to Maundy Thursday church service and didn't get home until 9:30, when he woke me up and I ate my LA Lite and went back to bed. I slept until 7 a.m. this morning. Man, what is with all this sleep? I wish I didn't need so much. Must be partly this sinus infection, 'cause I feel like crud.

Easter weekend-- going to be a cold one, only 40-50* Sunday. Will be a challenge to stay away from the "I'll just have one" chocolates in the kids' baskets. At least I'll look pretty in my new size 14 dress; whether anyone notices my weight loss or not this week, I'll feel better about myself. And I'm wearing my strappy sexy sandals. Regardless of the temperature outside, it's spring time in my heart.

Day 47

DH said to me this morning "Bye skinny." It's the first time he's really said anything about my weight loss. I was in my black underwear when he said it, and I don't look skinny by any means, but it made me feel good.

My back fat rolls are almost gone. Just a slight roll in mid back. My stomach is still huge, which I'm sure will take another 20-30 pounds before it looks better. My butt has always been big, so I'm used to that and can deal with it and know what to expect mostly on how it will change when the weight goes down.

It's this middle section of fat that's new to me since having kids. And I know it gets worse the older you get. So it's gotta be gone soon.

I did my first "Group Power" weight lifting class last night. I really liked it. One of the last things we did was lunges, and I was surprised at how weak my quads are. The instructor thought I was probably just tired by then (I had to put the weight bar down to keep my form, so she noticed I was struggling) but I have bad knees and think my quads just need to be stronger. She said I need to come twice a week and that's all I'll need to notice a difference. So Wednesday's and Friday's are my weight days. I am excited.

I bought a DVD combo of Pilates last night, one for Stomach and one for Legs. 25 minutes each. Going to try to do one of them at night after kids in bed. Starting tonight.

Started TTOM last night, and I hope that will result in a loss by Friday. I had a one pound gain at LAWL yesterday which I think was water retention and heavier pants. My scale at home is holding steady at 188, and even showed 187.5 this morning. My size 16 Levi's I'm wearing today are pretty loose.

Day 45

A new number on my scale at home this morning - 188. Only 3 pounds away from my pre-pregnancy weight before Sophie, which I haven't weighed for 4 or 5 years which was after I did the Atkins diet (that loss didn't last long).

I pulled out some of my size 14 clothes from 5 years ago, and am wearing a pair of pants I bought from JC Penney. They're cotton, chocolate brown, and are snug but they fit. I'm so happy to be in them.

After my 14s get loose in 10-15 more pounds, I'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe. I haven't been a size 12 for almost 10 years; those clothes got donated to a yard sale ages ago. That shopping trip is going to be fun. And, it's going to be soon! Probably in just two or three months, mid summer.

Speaking of yard sales, my sister is having one on 4/21. She asked me to bring any stuff over I have, which is perfect timing since I can get rid of all my size 16 clothing. It's NOT staying in my closet. First, I have a tiny closet, not a walk in, and there's no room. Second, I don't want those clothes around as a safety net. I'm not gaining this weight back. No no never never uh uh uh.

Gym yesterday-- 2 miles in 27 minutes. I was kickin' it! I ran the last 5 minutes straight at 5 mph. It felt great. I'm surprised how my muscles and heart remember the running. It's going to just keep getting easier the more weight I lose.

This afternoon-- getting my nails done and then going to the gym. Tonight, hope to work on cleaning stuff out of the closets for the yard sale.

D@MN! Down 3.6 pounds this week-- Day 44 - 46.4 lbs to go

In the words of Leo from Little Einsteins (inside preschooler joke), "I canNOT beLIEVE IT!" Since last Monday, I've lost 3.6 pounds. And all I did was start eating real food, very little processed, and walked with a little running (very little) an average of 30 minutes for 5 days last week. Freakin-A, my body wants to lose this weight.

If this were week ONE of my weight loss, I'd have expected it. But at the start of week 7? W-O-W.

This is not me, you see. I am just doing The Plan. (Which, of course, I realize involves me and my choices, but that's not my point.)

The Plan is guiding me in my choices. The Counselors I meet with 3 days a week have corrected my course along the way (cut back on frozen meals! not so much cottage cheese! Oh, the sodium!), keeping me in weight loss mode. The LA Lites are keeping my chocolate and junk food cravings at bay (notwithstanding the 4 pieces of Easter Candy I had yesterday after church). My Monthly Diary provides a record of the food and water and supplements I put in my mouth. And I frankly started going to the gym to work out my stress, with a benefit of losing weight. All I'm doing is the treadmill so far, and not for all that long.

So I'm thrilled. An official 15.6 pounds GONE. Official weight 191.4.

Okay, now I'm going to be totally narcissistic. This is the only place I can do it, after all, so you're stuck with it if you're reading this. Or, take it as a warning and close my blog now.

Yesterday at church I wore my new size 14 crop pants in chocolate brown (My Assets artificially and ever so slightly tightening my bottom), my new size L aqua blue button down shirt with aqua blue tank underneath, and my sexy brown sandals with wedge heal. I thought I was looking hot. NOT ONE, no single person, commented that I looked pretty (not even my husband, the bastage). Am I an attention-loving whore or what? I was so expecting someone to say I looked cute, but I suppose all the kids in their Easter finest for Palm Sunday's egg hunt overshadowed my 15 pound loss and my size smaller clothes. It's part of the reason I ate the candy after the egg hunt-- I was disappointed and more than a bit pissed off.

I suppose I need to get over myself. It's gonna be at least another 10 pounds before it even begins to show to other people. I need to stop investing myself so much in what THEY think, and just enjoy myself with the process of becoming healthier and feeling more confident. I'll revel in the fact that my back fat rolls are almost gone, with me, myself, and I. And you, if you stuck around to read this far. Thank you if you did. I appreciate it!

Day 41-- 14.4 pounds gone and a size 14

Four seems to be my lucky number today.

It was a good weigh in day. Down 2.2 pounds for the week, a total of 14.4 pounds since starting at LAWL in February. I bought a new Easter dress to celebrate, and it was a size 14. I also bought a pair of crop pants in a 14 and they fit (I'll be wearing My Assets under them so my ass isn't all bumpy, though) and a top in a size Large, NOT XL. Gosh it feels good to move down a size.

Another few weeks and I'll be able to say "I've lost 20 pounds." 20 pounds is when it really starts to show. It's almost like the first 20 don't mean anything to anyone but me, then all of the sudden people start to notice. "Hey, are you losing weight?" "Um, yeah, I have been for like 3 months and you're just now noticing."

Not sure if I'm ready for the attention that it will bring though. I like compliments, don't get me wrong. But something happens around that time in my weight loss (at least in the past) when I've gotten down to a size 12 and I start to really look good, that I start gaining it all back again. It's not going to happen this time (I'm way too invested to blow it this time), but I have to keep in mind my uncomfortable feelings and guard myself from eating my way through them.

Went to lunch today with DH. He couldn't go until Two-ish, but wanted me to go with him so we could chat, so I ate my lunch from home around 12:30. At the restaurant, I just had tea. Didn't even look at the menu. No dessert, no chips, no crackers, no dessert, no coffee with cream. Tea, no sugar, with sweet and low. I didn't even mind not eating. I got to talk and DH ate, which is fine with me.

I am off to the gym to walk/run on the treadmill. A plan-less weekend, which are the best. Hoping for some sunshine in the midst of the rain so we can all play in the park.

13.8 pounds lost

Today's official weigh in was a good one. Down 1.8 pounds, for a total of 13.8 pounds GONE. Yippee!

Day 39 - a new "decade"

I stepped on the scale this morning, knowing I had lost. I could feel it in my fingers. My morning ritual - pee, strip, step on scale. Bingo! A 1.5 pound loss. And a new number in second position. 189.5

I love it when I move down into a new decade.

Did two days of walking on the treadmill do it? Eating all "real food" instead of processed? Drinking a ton of water? The Fat Fairy visiting me and taking the equivalent of 6 sticks of butter off my ass? Likely it's a combination of it all (I still believe in fairies).

So my gym bag is packed and food is ready for a good day. I had a piece of diet toast and an apple for breakfast and was totally satisfied.

Official weigh in at LAWL this afternoon. I hope the Water Retention Fairy doesn't show up in the mean time.

Day 38

I made it to the gym yesterday, but only had 30 minutes, so spent it on the treadmill. It felt great to sweat and move my body. My iPod shuffle (the clip on kind) is so much better than my old CD player. I've packed a gym bag and will go again today.

I avoided the scale this morning on purpose, to help take my mind off the number. Had a healthy breakfast, packed a lunch, have my afternoon snacks and water, so I'm set.

Day 37 - Impatient

Shouldn't I be at my goal weight by now? I mean, it's been over a month that I've been "good." I should weigh what I want by now, as hard as I've worked and as well as I've stuck to my plan.

It's funny how a dieter's mind thinks, playing games with the scale, the calendar, the sizes of clothing. I'm so ready to be my goal weight, especially since the weather is warmer and I want to be wearing flimsy flirty dresses.

But no. I'm still in size 16s (although better fitting 16s). I can't wear what I want. The muffin top is still around my middle. Spanx pantyhose is still a required piece of underclothing.

I've got months and months and months to go.

It's a real downer.

The stick-to-it-iveness is what I've always lacked, not just in weight loss. Many a project in my life gets started with great guns, my intentions pure and inspired. Then my interest wanes and I move on to something else. That's simply who I am. Why try to fight it? Why not work with it?

So I've got to figure out a way to rechannel my energy on this weight loss thing, to keep it going. I've been thinking about focusing on upper body weight lifting for a month, to see how much I can build my muscles in 30 days. Perhaps that will be my focus the next few weeks. I'll maintain my food diary and LAWL visits, but stop weighing myself at home, take the spotlight off the scale for a while.

It will start today, this afternoon after work. I'll report back in the next few days.

Day 32

Still at it. I had my first gain on Monday, and expected it. The weekend food had to have caused me to retain water, and today (after a day and a half of a very strict diet) I'm back down the gain, plus .8 more for a total of 2.4 pounds down today. 11.6 total at LAWL.

The very strict diet is two days of "Take Off" in which I drink 32 oz of LAWL's Take Off juice (spread out over 4 servings), eat 6 oz of protein, 2 veggies, and 2 LA Lite bars.... and that's it. No fruit, no starch, no dairy, no fat, no COFFEE.

It's been somewhat of a revelation to me, this scarcity of food. I've been exhausted, mentally out of it, partly because of the missing caffeine, but also because I can tell my body needs the fuel.

In the past, food as fuel hasn't been the way I think. Food as comfort, secret lover, celebration, healer, and drug is more like it. But somehow since I've gotten off of food as a drug, and since I've had so little of it the past day and a half, now I'm able to feel my body needing the food as fuel.

I cannot wait until I can have fruit tomorrow! And milk with my latte! And a piece of toast (diet bread, of course)! And, get this, I can't wait until I can eat 4 servings of veggies! That is truly shocking--looking forward to eating vegetables.

My sincerest hope is that I will stay on track, not get discouraged by set backs, and be ever vigilent in this pursuit of weight loss. I have a long way to go still-- 50.6 pounds --and I need to keep the faith that it will happen and I can do it.

I'm 11.6 pounds closer to reaching my goal than I was a month ago. That's something, at least.

Day 29

This has been a nice weekend. DH and I went to New Harmony Saturday night for a fabulous dinner at the Red Geranium and a lovely room at the Inn. Our 12 year anniversary is today, March 18.

Saturday I barely ate all day, saving up my food for dinner. I don't do well when I don't eat, so I felt a little headachy by the afternoon, but it was totally worth it, to be able to have a glass of wine, eat an 8 oz. filet, asparagus, 3 bites of roasted potatoes, 3 bites of dessert, and two of the best bacon wrapped shrimp I've ever tasted, and to still be on plan (mostly-- I figure the bacon pushed me over the edge a bit, but it's not gonna kill me). I drank tons of water that night after dinner to wash away the salt, and didn't feel bloated this morning. I had 3 eggs and one piece of whole grain toast with coffee this morning at breakfast; usually I'd have ordered pancakes or waffles and said "what the heck I'm on a minibreak" and totally blown it. Not today. Not on day 29!

Day 29-- almost a full complete month on plan. I'll fill in completely my monthly LAWL journal tomorrow. There are no "OFF PLAN" or "DIDN'T TRACK" days. Wow. And I'm down 12 pounds and five total inches. Those stats make it much easier now to keep up the good work.


Switching gears now. I'm reading Elizabeth Gilbert's "Eat, Pray, Love," and just finished the "Pray" section, where she spends 4 months in India practicing meditation. Her descriptions of achieving higher levels of consciousness are simply spectacular. I want what she's having. I have no illusions I'll be going to India for 4 months any time in my lifetime, but I think I could find a way to learn to meditate. I found a website http://meditation.org.au/index.asp that has free classes online and looks like a great place for me to start. I was playing Class One audio and imagining a candle flame for almost 5 minutes and feeling really relaxed, just sitting here in the family room in the recliner. I'd have kept going but of course got interrupted by DH getting up from his nap. Oh well. I will find a way to get myself out of bed and start meditating as an early morning practice. I've got to find a place in my house to set up my meditation spot, which may be a challenge, but I'm not gonna let that stop me.

I'll have to post more about Anger when it's got the better of me and I'm in the mood. Right now I'm feeling pretty happy and relaxed. And ready for bed.

Day 27

I'm on plan for 27 days. Today's weight at home is 191, down 11 pounds since starting at LAWL. Good stuff!

My food is going well, but I haven't started working out yet, which I will do maybe today. I have been carrying around a lot of anger lately. It's really eating me up inside and I've got to do something about it. Hoping the treadmill will help.

Getting my nails done at noon, and going to LAWL to weigh in after that. Plans for a Saturday night away with DH in New Harmony for our anniversary which is Sunday. 12 years. I hope it goes well. I'm not feeling all warm and fuzzy toward him lately, which is partly his fault, partly mine. The anger doesn't allow room for warm and fuzzy.

I wonder if this anger is coming out because I'm not self medicating with sugar, flour, and fat? Is it bubbling out because it's not stuffed down? Has it always been there but is just now coming to the surface because it's not smothered in donuts? I wonder what else is going to come out now that I'm not numb from food. A little scary to imagine.

Day 20, OP

20 days, on plan. No cheating. It's shocking. I've never ever gone that long, almost 3 weeks, into the 20s out of the teens, with clean food. When I grocery shop, like tonight, my cart is filled with the outside aisles-- I only venture inward for my pineapple cups, plain oatmeal, and frozen veggies/Amy's Kitchen meals. No more of the foods that held me prisoner. I'm not sneaking home donuts or muffins or poptarts or ice cream.

I look at them, though. Like tonight, Ben & Jerry's had a flavor I hadn't seen before, "Karamel Sutra." Ha, what a play on words. Yes, B&J, your ice cream was my substitute for the Kama Sutra for a long time. And caramel is one of my favorites. But no more. I will not have food as my secret lover any longer. I will not plan rendezvous after everyone else is in bed, or secret meetings in the car after shopping at Target. I no longer have no power over the donuts that go in my cart; I can say no and mean no. I look, but I'm not longing for it. Just surprised that a mere 3 weeks ago I was powerless to walk away.

So my dinner tonight was a cup of cooked broccoli, 2 cups of lettuce and 1 and 1/2 Tbsp lite dressing (Paul Newman, now you're a man after my heart.... your lite raspberry walnut dressing curls my toes). All measured, all on plan, and all very satisfying. Except for the last half of my LA Lite bar, my food for the day is done. And I'm fine with that.

It's surprising, but this strictness of food portions and rations works for me. With WW, I had too much freedom, I suppose, too many choices and too many ways to let the little demons in to screw it all up. Not so with LAWL. I have the bubbles to fill in to mark off my portions, and that's that.

So a total of 2.6 pounds lost this week, for a total of 10.4 since starting LAWL. Only 51.6 more to go.

LA Weight Loss

My dear online friend Vickie, who is ever curious and ever lovely in her pursuit of knowing how I'm doing, wants to know what LA Weight Loss is. Let me explain.

Princess Leia's plea through R2D2 says it best : "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope." LAWL is my Obi Wan. It's my only hope at this point. I've done it all, I've failed it all. I'm done with giving in to the Dark Side and want to be a Jedi Master of weight loss and weight control.

So after seeing a couple of my friends have success there, I visited our local LAWL franchise. I met with a weight loss counsellor, who, much like the obstetrician calculating my due date, put my weight loss goal on a paper disc, turned the dial, and declared I would be at my goal weight of 145 pounds by September 21, 2007.

Then we talked about the program itself. I'm a "Purple," and I get to eat the following every day:
Proteins: 2 (6 oz chicken, 3/4 c cottage cheese, 3 TBSP peanut butter, etc)
Veggies: 4 (1 c raw, 1/2 c cooked)
Fruits: 3 (1 apple, 1/2 banana, etc)
Starches: 2 (35 cal bread, etc)
Dairy: 1 (8 oz skim milk in my daily latte--thank God I didn't have to give that up)
Fat: 1 (tsp butter, tsp olive oil, my personal favorite--15 pistachios)
LA Lites: 2

Awwww, the LA Lite candy bars. This is where they getcha. They are dee-licious and also the main reason I don't crave junk food. They ARE the junk food. They also cost an assload of money. I paid for ~ 2 years worth and it was around $1500. OMG, I know. But listen, I'm desperate, the program Works (seen it first hand in my friends and the skinny people who still weigh in there), and damn it, I'm worth it.

I meet with a counselor 3 times a week, where I weigh in, the counselor checks my food diary, and we chat. Total accountability, every other day (except weekends). This, my friends, is why the program really works for me. If I cheat, they'll know. If I cheat but lie on my food journal, who am I hurting? MYSELF. And, they'll know anyway because I weigh in 3 times a week.

And I'll be wasting an assload of money (didn't I use that already)? In total, I spent $2347. On my emergency credit card. THIS is an emergency if ever there was one. $348 for the program cost (which is a DEAL, since I joined during friends and family) and $1999 on LA Lites and 6 months of supplements.

Here's the other thing about LAWL-- once the weight is off, you go through an 8 week transition phase to maintenance. You meet with a counselor 2 times per week and add food back in, a little at a time until you reach your maintenance food level. Then you are on maintenance for a YEAR. You meet with a counselor once a week for a YEAR. Studies show if you can keep it off a year or more, you're very likely to keep it off.

The fact that I've gone for 19 days now with NO CHEATING, sticking to this program to a freakin T says something. I've never done that before. I've lost 10 pounds so far. I feel great. I don't crave foods now when I used to-- like when I'm stressed or emotional. If anything, I have to make myself eat.

It's an expensive program. It's a big time commitment. It's a pain to have to bring veggies and fruit to work, and not to eat out all the time. But aren't I worth it? You bet your skinny ass I am.

Day 10

It's day 10 of the new LA Weight Loss journey. So far so good. Down 8 pounds and holding. Lots of extra water gone. Back under 200. Looser pants. Food binging under control.

Until last night. No binging on food, but in my mind I was chowing down. Major PMS cravings but I didn't give in. Yet. It is SO HARD. The thing keeping me going is this monthly diary and the accountability that I have to SHOW SOMEONE ELSE what I'm putting in my mouth. That, and the $2000 that I've spent on this program already. You know, cash (or rather, credit) is quite a motivator.

I will NOT spend all that money for nothing. I AM going to meet my goal weight by September 21st. This is my year. It's happening. I'm not going to fail. This is too important to blow again. I know I can do it. I have the support, the tools, the will, the desire. I'm putting it to work.