Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Princess Half Marathon (170.6)

My Disney Princess was Aurora from Sleeping Beauty--hence the pink/blue theme, as in "make it pink! make it blue" that the fairies do as they fight over the color of her dress.  I also have a temporary Aurora tattoo on my left arm. 

So the race was great.  6 days away from home was way too long.  I am glad I did it, but I likely won't do a race that far away and for that long again. 

I finished right at 3 hours by my Garmin.  That was my goal.  This is the heaviest I've ever run a half marathon.  I am slower the more I weigh.  So a fast time wasn't my goal, but running the whole thing was.  Which I did.  I only walked water stations and for two Gu's.  I ran the entire rest of the race.  Even the on ramps, which were hilly, banked, and long.  I did not run fast--around 13:30/ mile.  But I ran and never stopped to just walk.

Nothing wrong with walking--I have done it in every race I've ever run.  But this was a new goal for me and I did it.

The six women I travelled with were wonderful, with the exception of one friend who I knew was going to be an issue but didn't realize how bad it would be.  She did not train for this race.  Her longest run was 6 miles and that was last October.  She has the martyr thing going on, and it is BAD.  As in, "I was going to call you ladies at mile 9 when I figured you were all finished and it started raining and tell you to just go back to the hotel and not wait for me" or "I will stay at the hotel and not go to our special fancy dinner if so and so needs such and such" or "Do you want me to pull your suitcase for you?"--asked half a dozen times.

On the 2nd day there, she talked with her husband and got mad at how he'd handled an issue with their 13 year old daughter.  We were all in a shop in the Magic Kingdom and she's crying and walking around to each of us, saying she's going to leave her husband when she gets home, and that she is going to fly home that night.

Everyone else was already fed up with her, too.  I did fine the entire trip, biting my tongue and nodding or just ignoring her.

Until last night on the 3 hour drive home (which was after we'd flown from Orlando to Indianapolis). Right before we get to my house, she starts talking about the race and how her husband sabotaged her training and she just gave up.  Then she asks me point blank, "do you understand now why I said I was going to leave him?" 

And I just couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore.

I said no.  I don't understand. I can't wrap my head around having a husband you have to ask permission to take care of yourself.  I can't wrap my head around asking your 13 year old daughter if it's okay if you go to the gym. I can't wrap my head around ANY PART of the way you live your life.

I didn't say any of that.  I said no, I don't understand.  And I said she needs to watch the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" or read the book, and see what happens when a wife takes care of herself and doesn't depend on her family to make her happy.  I said she has to work on herself first, and not expect to change her husband. 

What she took away from my lecture (and it was a lecture--I know, I blew my "people just want to be heard" attitude, big time) was "I guess I'm just a bad mom and wife."  And she pulled out her phone and started texting and crying and wouldn't even look at me.

My last words to her were that she was too good a mom and wife and she was a horrible friend to herself.  And that if all she wants is someone to feel sorry for her and not share an opinion about what could make her life better, she shouldn't bring that kind of stuff up anymore.  She ignored me.  She probably won't talk to me again for a long time, if ever.

Which, frankly, is fine with me.

I just don't have it in me to be around a martyr whose every conversation--seriously, every one--is a desperate cry to be needed or, alternatively, to be cared for.  She sucked the life out of me. 

And it wasn't just me.  There were two other girls there who I connect with very strongly, who said the exact same thing. 

The good news is that I recognized what I did, even though I didn't stop myself during the process.  I have pretty much let it go--except I needed to vent here.  And I'm not upset, I'm not apologizing to her, I'm not seeking to mend the friendship or whatever.

Anyway, I just needed to vent. This is a top of my head ramble before I go pick up kids. I have a ton of stuff to do to get caught up from the trip. I got home last night at 10:30 pm and was at work at 10 am. 

At least I didn't gain a ton of weight while I was gone.  I'm still really bloated from travel.  It's almost spring.  I have killer strong calves from the 20+ miles I moved my legs the past several days (we did the parks twice, all day long--lots of miles).  And I can't wait to move my body, get healthy, and get into summer shape.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

In Orlando

Just arrived in Florida for the Disney Princess Half Marathon. I'll
report more as I have time and when I get back.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Long, dark tunnel

There is a light at the end, but it seems so far off.

My work environment has become unbearable.  I won't go into details, because they are long and boring and many other people have it worse that me.  Everyday I enter our office I am weighed down and am miserable almost all day.  The insanity of the situation--the idiocy and the ignorance and the arrogance and the work load on ME that has nothing to do with me or our clients--is too much for me to bear. 

I sometimes handle it with grace, but more often than not my frustration shows.  I am pushing it all down, just so I can get through the day. 

Which means, of course, it comes bubbling out at home in the form of a binge.

I want to cry every day during the day, but I can't because I'd walk around looking like a raccoon from my ruined eye makeup.  At night I have to keep it together for the kids' sake.  When it's bed time I'm so fried I can't do anything but watch TV or read.  And eat.

The good news is this-- we are leaving to join another firm on April 18th.  It's an incredibly exciting and big-step-up opportunity.  The group of three financial advisors we are joining is exactly what we've been hoping for.  We will have back up, we will have support, we will have an "out" if the unthinkable happens to Mark or me.  And we are joining a stable, successful environment of young, brilliant men.  And four women assistants.

Between now and then, though, I have a butt load of work to do.  And a lot of stress to deal with.

I told Mark last night I feel like I'm on the verge of self destruction. I don't want to self destruct.  I need to keep my weight stable, and preferably at least around 165, so I can survive all this without blowing up to a size 16 or 18 again. 

Mark is doing really well with his health, both physically and emotionally. He's been working hard.  I am going to start leaning on him to support me so I don't lose it. It's in his best interest to help me, and he knows it and is willing to help.

My routines have been crappy, and I've not been helping myself at all.  While I am still running, because I have the race next week (next week! I'll be in Florida away from all this for six days!!), 15 miles a week can't make up for all the crap I'm putting in my body.

This morning, after talking to Mark last night about how bad it is and what I need to do to change, I got up at 4:50 am (I had been up since 4 am anyway, because Luke woke up with a bad dream) and was at work by 8 am.  I am going to the gym on my lunch hour today.  I don't normally even leave the office because I get here at 9:30 or 10 and work through till 4 or 4:30.  That's not healthy for me anymore.

I've worked out a schedule for weeknights that I hope Mark can support--with him picking up kids two nights a week so I can go to yoga and weights class.

If I can work out the emotional crap in the gym, then I know the food will take care of itself.  I know what to do; I just need the emotional energy to do it.

Thursday, February 02, 2012

Busy busy busy busy busy (167.8)

I am still doing OK. 

But I am swamped, with work & personal stuff.

Work--busy time of year before tax season.  We are also working on big picture business stuff that is and will be keeping me particularly busy in the near future.  But it's all good stuff.  I can get into specifics in a month or so.

Personal--both kids are in their school's variety show this Saturday.  I am the leader of both their groups.  Which means I've been in charge of their rehearsals and all the parent communications (texts & emails), which has taken a lot of time. Luke's kindergarten group has 13 kids; they are singing the Oakridge Boys "Elvira" and it's adorable.  Sophie's group has 6 girls & 2 boys; they are singing "My Favorite Things" from Sound of Music.  That group was more difficult to keep focused than the Kindergartners.

I'm also running a half marathon in Disney World in 20 days.  Less than 3 weeks from now I'll be in Florida without my husband or kids. I'm both excited and sad.  I will miss my family so much. And I'm sure I'll worry how they will survive without me.  But they will.  And I will have a blast.  We leave on Wednesday 2/22 and get home on Monday 2/27.  The race is Sunday.

My eating has sucked at night. I don't believe the scale right now.  It feels like I weigh more than that.  I know that I am just pushing down all my emotions and worries and concerns and craziness. 

I AM doing really well on many levels--I'm more stable since increasing my meds and using my SAD light on a regular basis.  I'm in a great place spiritually, and working on leaving my ego at the door and treating everyone I meet with respect.

It is not an easy thing to examine yourself and find that there is a lot inside you that comes out in your behavior in a negative and ugly way.  I am working on being humble and not such a know it all.  I am working on being less narcissistic.  I am working on being patient and less defensive and keeping my mouth shut more. 

It's hard work, and I often fail. But I keep working at it.

And I refuse to use the word TRY.  Try is an excuse to fail.  I am not successful every day, but I keep moving forward and I am not giving myself an excuse to fail.

That's where I need to get with my food issues. I need to step away from "try" and start working on it every single moment of every single day.

That is a difficult thing for me to do when (a) food has always been my "backup" in trying and difficult times (and even good stress is still stress) and (b) I simply don't have the mental energy to work on one more thing.

It's a big thing, yes.  It's a lifelong thing, yes.  It's a daily battle that I have not thrown up my hands and said "that's it, I quit" and then go face dive into a box of little powdered donuts, a.k.a. my nemesis.

At least January is FINALLY over.  I love putting things on my calendar for March and April.