This is our new puppy, Belle. She is 6 weeks old in this picture from the breeder.
Tuesday, August 07, 2018
Back to school 2018
Luke started school today at a new school - it's a small (very small) private Christian school (k-8) with a total school population of around 150. His 7th grade class has around 13 kids, he said. There are 3 new boys in the 7th grade class, including him.
When we looked at schools starting back in the late spring, this was the last of three, and it was the best one by far. Everyone has been extremely friendly and helpful, from the very beginning.
The Principal has even been involved with us, and did Luke's entrance testing and talked to Luke about what to do if someone bullies him or what he should do or say if Luke sees something that he thinks isn't right (this was an issue at his previous middle school—not the bullying, but Luke seeing other kids bullied or Luke having kids cheat off him).
The principal even showed Luke his office the day he did his testing, telling him it's nothing to be afraid of and Luke can come and talk to him anytime he feels like he needs to. Every time we've been at the school, the principal says hello to Luke and asks how he's doing.
When we went for registration day a couple weeks ago, Luke said "I'm nervous and excited." That was the first positive sign I'd seen out of him about going back to school. He said it would be the first time he was going to school where he would be starting off with all new people, and he was going to be force to be more extroverted if he was going to make new friends.
Last week was the school open house. We originally were going to miss it, because we had tickets to a show in Louisville that we bought for Luke. Luke decided it was more important to go to the school open house that to go to the show (it was for a couple of YouTube-ers that he follows), so we ditched Louisville and went to the open house so he could be prepared for school, have his supplies put away, see his classrooms and meet his teachers and a few kids from his class.
Then today, he got himself up for school—he said he was awake an hour before his alarm went off—and he was a chatterbox and making jokes all morning. No talk of dreading school or not wanting to go. We have to drive him and pick him up—no bus—and that is a definite plus for him, since he hates the bus. It's about a 15 minute drive to the school from our house and he was relaxed and talkative the whole way there.
When I picked him up today, he said it was a good day. One of the new boys has an unusual name and spoke with an accent (he's not sure where he's from). But the new boy also is into Pokemon (Luke's favorite thing ever) and they sat at lunch together.
Luke said everyone in his class is nice, except for one boy who is really a little out of control and got into trouble a lot by the teachers today. But that is only ONE boy, and at his old school, there were lots of kids like that. Also, this kid has a peanut allergy, and Luke is taking peanut butter sandwiches to school, so Luke won't be able to sit by him at lunch.
We've all asked him how his day went, and he keeps responding it went well. He also said a kid from school even asked him how his day went today—that is just how nice everyone there is. He got his small bit of homework done as soon as he got home. He got his binder organized. He is now relaxing in his room for some introvert time.
It's only the first day, but I have high hopes for him. I can seriously tell that his Wellbutrin is making a difference for him. Even though he still likes to be in his room a lot by himself, when he is with us, he is more interactive and witty, more like his old self. I'm just praying things go well at this new school.
Since it's a Christian school there is a lot of prayer and neat things they do there. They have Chapel once a week, and the 7th graders are paired with a 1st grader all year to be a "buddy." Next year as an 8th grader he will get a kindergartner. He got his 1st grade buddy today. He didn't realize this would happen (I guess I forgot to tell him); he loves little kids, so this is a cool thing for him. They pray every day at the end of the period before lunch. He is taking religion classes. This is so far from the public school setting, I just wish I'd thought to send him there last year. You don't know what you don't know.
I just pray things keep going well for him.
Sophie starts school tomorrow. She will be a Junior—at the #1 high school in our state. Her schedule is brutal. All AP & honors courses, since she is working on an International Baccalaureate diploma (by default—all students there are required to get an IB diploma). But she says she wouldn't go anywhere else. She has an amazing work ethic. She's going to do an amazing job this year, I'm sure.
She's been working all summer on her summer assignments, mostly French (Jill—she's taking 4 years of French, although I doubt she'll do much with it after HS! She's not quite enamored of it, I'm afraid, although she has a delightful accent, IMO). She had to read "The Little Prince" in French and it just about killed her, and also answer questions about the book, in French, of course.
So that's the scoop on the kids.
Other news.
I got a new computer! My 9 year old Dell laptop finally showed signs it was ready to give it up. When I turned it on and it reset the date back to 2009, and it did this multiple times, I thought it was time. I made the switch to a Mac. Sophie and I both did. I've been using my MacBook Air for weeks now. She has yet to use hers, but she will when school starts. I love it so much.
Some sad news. We had to put our sweet dog Lucy to sleep back on June 28. She was 13 years and 2 months. She was not eating, had digestive issues and losing weight. We did everything we could including getting a 2nd Vet opinion, It was just time. We miss her so much. The kids both grew up with her. It was super hard on Mark, too. He spent the last 8-10 months basically keeping her alive by making her people food.
We waited as long as we could but we can't be dog free for long, so we are getting a new puppy on August 18. We picked her out a couple of weeks ago. She is a Cavachon—a mix between a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and a Bichon Frisse. She is so stinking cute. Cavachons are hypoallergenic and don't shed. She'll only be 8 weeks old when we get her, so it's going to be interesting around here, starting back to school and having a new "baby" in the house. But she will be good for the kids. Sophie especially has been aching for a puppy.
OK that's it for now. Gotta go and I will write more when I have more. Hopefully the weather will cool off soon. Best wishes to you, friends.
When we looked at schools starting back in the late spring, this was the last of three, and it was the best one by far. Everyone has been extremely friendly and helpful, from the very beginning.
The Principal has even been involved with us, and did Luke's entrance testing and talked to Luke about what to do if someone bullies him or what he should do or say if Luke sees something that he thinks isn't right (this was an issue at his previous middle school—not the bullying, but Luke seeing other kids bullied or Luke having kids cheat off him).
The principal even showed Luke his office the day he did his testing, telling him it's nothing to be afraid of and Luke can come and talk to him anytime he feels like he needs to. Every time we've been at the school, the principal says hello to Luke and asks how he's doing.
When we went for registration day a couple weeks ago, Luke said "I'm nervous and excited." That was the first positive sign I'd seen out of him about going back to school. He said it would be the first time he was going to school where he would be starting off with all new people, and he was going to be force to be more extroverted if he was going to make new friends.
Last week was the school open house. We originally were going to miss it, because we had tickets to a show in Louisville that we bought for Luke. Luke decided it was more important to go to the school open house that to go to the show (it was for a couple of YouTube-ers that he follows), so we ditched Louisville and went to the open house so he could be prepared for school, have his supplies put away, see his classrooms and meet his teachers and a few kids from his class.
Then today, he got himself up for school—he said he was awake an hour before his alarm went off—and he was a chatterbox and making jokes all morning. No talk of dreading school or not wanting to go. We have to drive him and pick him up—no bus—and that is a definite plus for him, since he hates the bus. It's about a 15 minute drive to the school from our house and he was relaxed and talkative the whole way there.
When I picked him up today, he said it was a good day. One of the new boys has an unusual name and spoke with an accent (he's not sure where he's from). But the new boy also is into Pokemon (Luke's favorite thing ever) and they sat at lunch together.
Luke said everyone in his class is nice, except for one boy who is really a little out of control and got into trouble a lot by the teachers today. But that is only ONE boy, and at his old school, there were lots of kids like that. Also, this kid has a peanut allergy, and Luke is taking peanut butter sandwiches to school, so Luke won't be able to sit by him at lunch.
We've all asked him how his day went, and he keeps responding it went well. He also said a kid from school even asked him how his day went today—that is just how nice everyone there is. He got his small bit of homework done as soon as he got home. He got his binder organized. He is now relaxing in his room for some introvert time.
It's only the first day, but I have high hopes for him. I can seriously tell that his Wellbutrin is making a difference for him. Even though he still likes to be in his room a lot by himself, when he is with us, he is more interactive and witty, more like his old self. I'm just praying things go well at this new school.
Since it's a Christian school there is a lot of prayer and neat things they do there. They have Chapel once a week, and the 7th graders are paired with a 1st grader all year to be a "buddy." Next year as an 8th grader he will get a kindergartner. He got his 1st grade buddy today. He didn't realize this would happen (I guess I forgot to tell him); he loves little kids, so this is a cool thing for him. They pray every day at the end of the period before lunch. He is taking religion classes. This is so far from the public school setting, I just wish I'd thought to send him there last year. You don't know what you don't know.
I just pray things keep going well for him.
Sophie starts school tomorrow. She will be a Junior—at the #1 high school in our state. Her schedule is brutal. All AP & honors courses, since she is working on an International Baccalaureate diploma (by default—all students there are required to get an IB diploma). But she says she wouldn't go anywhere else. She has an amazing work ethic. She's going to do an amazing job this year, I'm sure.
She's been working all summer on her summer assignments, mostly French (Jill—she's taking 4 years of French, although I doubt she'll do much with it after HS! She's not quite enamored of it, I'm afraid, although she has a delightful accent, IMO). She had to read "The Little Prince" in French and it just about killed her, and also answer questions about the book, in French, of course.
So that's the scoop on the kids.
Other news.
I got a new computer! My 9 year old Dell laptop finally showed signs it was ready to give it up. When I turned it on and it reset the date back to 2009, and it did this multiple times, I thought it was time. I made the switch to a Mac. Sophie and I both did. I've been using my MacBook Air for weeks now. She has yet to use hers, but she will when school starts. I love it so much.
Some sad news. We had to put our sweet dog Lucy to sleep back on June 28. She was 13 years and 2 months. She was not eating, had digestive issues and losing weight. We did everything we could including getting a 2nd Vet opinion, It was just time. We miss her so much. The kids both grew up with her. It was super hard on Mark, too. He spent the last 8-10 months basically keeping her alive by making her people food.
We waited as long as we could but we can't be dog free for long, so we are getting a new puppy on August 18. We picked her out a couple of weeks ago. She is a Cavachon—a mix between a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and a Bichon Frisse. She is so stinking cute. Cavachons are hypoallergenic and don't shed. She'll only be 8 weeks old when we get her, so it's going to be interesting around here, starting back to school and having a new "baby" in the house. But she will be good for the kids. Sophie especially has been aching for a puppy.
OK that's it for now. Gotta go and I will write more when I have more. Hopefully the weather will cool off soon. Best wishes to you, friends.
Wednesday, May 09, 2018
What's going on
I've tried to write an update three times this year. It's just been too hard to put things into words. And I haven't been able to.
First, no one has died, to put that to rest.
But both my kids are seriously depressed and Luke hasn't been in school since mid January. He's on homebound instruction.
About Luke. Last time I posted I explained he had trouble with 6th grade middle school and had developed TMJ. We treated the TMJ with 25 sessions of physical therapy and after he stopped going to school, his pain is mostly gone.
He went through testing with a psychologist in December. She diagnosed him with anxiety and depression and slow processing speed (and a high IQ otherwise). Not on the autism spectrum at all. She confirmed ADHD.
He's been seeing a therapist, and a nurse practitioner for meds since around October. In November we put him on lexapro. He's also on buspar for anxiety.
He was basically off school with TMJ from October through November, then went back to school on half days (8-11:30) after Thanksgiving.
In mid January, I caught him one night while we were watching TV holding his breath. I asked what he was doing. He said he was trying to make himself black out--he didn't want to live, and if he could push a button to make himself die and it wouldn't hurt me or his dad, he would do it.
Mark and I went to see his therapist the next day and talked to him about this. The therapist agreed that Luke's primary stress was coming from school, even on half days--Luke was still having TMJ pain around 6-7 (on a scale of 10) every day, and some mornings he didn't want to wake up.
So we all agreed to pull him from school and put him on homebound the rest of the year. I also started weaning him off lexapro very slowly--there's a black box warning for kids on SSRIs, that they can cause suicidal thoughts. Luke says he had these thoughts before lexapro, but he never expressed them or did anything like hold his breath. He just took his last 2.5 mg dose yesterday.
We did a genetic test for him (and Sophie and me) to see which drugs work best, and we all three have a short gene allele that is incompatible with SSRIs (meaning serotonin from the drugs do squat in our brains). The SNRIs are supposed to work, but I've had terrible experiences with those (so has Sophie--more on that).
I asked to have Luke start wellbutrin last week, and he's on a very low dose, bc it's in his "red" column, meaning he could have side effects at higher doses. Wellbutrin is the only thing that works for me, and his and my gene profiles are very similar. Also he craves things that increase dopamine (like video games) and I think it may be what works. We will see and only time will tell.
But he is not out of the woods. My sweet son does not want to live a long life--he does not want to live to be a teenager or a grown up or live after Mark or I die. He just told us this last week. It is terrifying and heartbreaking.
He has severe social anxiety and is highly sensitive to sounds and smells and light. I have no idea what we are going to do for 7th grade. We are taking with two of the private schools in town, but not sure if he'll even be able to handle either of them. He may have to be homeschooled.
I have called a friend of Mark's who is a psychiatrist who does TMS (magnet therapy) and also does ECT. I went to high school with his office manager and told her everything. They are checking if they can do TMS on a 12 year old. Honestly I don't know if Luke could handle it--it is loud and thumps the head.
I'm also going to get an ECS device from Alph a Stim and try that on myself, and if it helps me, then see if Luke will try it.
Luke sees his therapist every 2-3 weeks, but he won't talk about serious issues. He clams up. Which from what I've read of other parents with kids like him is the usual way with them. We are looking at possibly switching therapists but I don't know if it will help.
He has sworn he has no plans to hurt himself, and my therapist says kids his age can have feelings of suicide but no actions. My concern is that we have to help him now, bc the longer he's depressed and the older he gets, he could figure out a way to act. I check his phone and search history all the time for if he's looking for ways to hurt himself. And he hasn't. He doesn't know I'm checking his phone.
He does have happy moments and does laugh. He has had a friend over to spend the night a few times this year--but it's just exhausting for him. And he's spent the night at my sister's with his cousin once and had a great time. So he has some fun. I think though that in the background there is the black dog of depression always there.
Now for Sophie: She has been depressed since last May. We took her off her migraine med amitriptyline, which is what I thought was her issue. It took from May to October to wean her off it. She started seeing a therapist last fall and also a nurse practitioner for meds.
The therapist hasn't helped her. She wasn't a good fit. In March we tried an SNRI antidepressant, Pristiq, based on the genetic testing results. It was a disaster (Pristiq was awful for me, as well). She was exhausted and lethargic to the point she couldn't function or do any homework for almost a month. She was only on Pristiq for 5 weeks, and 2 of those were at 25 mg (other 3 weeks at 50mg).
The NP had her try trintellix next. Another disaster. She took it for two days, and both days threw up 20 min after she took it. Not a side effect we were willing to deal with. Those two days were the start of her spring break. And she was coming off Pristiq. So she had to deal with withdrawals that week as well.
Now she's just back to being depressed and sad. We aren't willing to try another medication while she's in school. She's going to see the NP in June. And she's seeing a new therapist in June, also.
She does better when she's with her friends. But she can't be with them 24/7. She also has times when she's fine, but she has weeks when she's just down and struggles to smile or have any joy at all.
Her grades have slipped this quarter. She'll probably get a couple of Bs and maybe a C+, she said. I told her it's ok, she's doing the best she can, and her semester grades will average out better and she can still get into a good college even if she doesn't get straight As. She puts so much pressure on herself. She's in the #1 school in our state, and they put a lot of pressure on the kids, too. But there's no where else she wants to go. So she's sticking it out.
But she keeps going because she has a strong work ethic. And she and I talk openly and I stay on top of how she's doing. I worry about her, but I know she'll be ok. I'm getting her help it's just going to be a little longer until we can get there.
We are going on a family vacation to Florida at the end of May. Hopefully it will be a fun trip for us all, a "vacation from our problems." We're driving to Daytona Beach, staying for a few days, then going to Orlando and doing the parks.
I started seeing my therapist Julie again in January. She's a miracle worker. She has helped me a lot these past months.
I'm taking the same drug cocktail as ever. I miss Vyvanse though, but it made my blood pressure go up.
I've gained a ton of weight. I weighed 204 this morning. I'm freaking miserable and I hate it.
And for the past week I've had a constant, horrible headache. So I've been checking my blood pressure and it's sky high (even off Vyvanse). So I'm going to the doctor tomorrow and will probably have to go on BP medicine. Oh joy. I'm sure I'll get a lecture about my fatness. I haven't seen him in 3 years and I'm at least 40-50 pounds heavier now than I was then.
Mark started eating vegan months ago and goes to the gym all the time. So he's doing his part to stay healthy. Which is awesome. I need him to stay around for the long haul.
So that's the drama and the insanity that is my life. It's not ok and it's not happy and I cry all the time in the car and wonder what the f*** I did to screw everyone up so badly. Now I'm just doing everything I know how to do to fix it.
First, no one has died, to put that to rest.
But both my kids are seriously depressed and Luke hasn't been in school since mid January. He's on homebound instruction.
About Luke. Last time I posted I explained he had trouble with 6th grade middle school and had developed TMJ. We treated the TMJ with 25 sessions of physical therapy and after he stopped going to school, his pain is mostly gone.
He went through testing with a psychologist in December. She diagnosed him with anxiety and depression and slow processing speed (and a high IQ otherwise). Not on the autism spectrum at all. She confirmed ADHD.
He's been seeing a therapist, and a nurse practitioner for meds since around October. In November we put him on lexapro. He's also on buspar for anxiety.
He was basically off school with TMJ from October through November, then went back to school on half days (8-11:30) after Thanksgiving.
In mid January, I caught him one night while we were watching TV holding his breath. I asked what he was doing. He said he was trying to make himself black out--he didn't want to live, and if he could push a button to make himself die and it wouldn't hurt me or his dad, he would do it.
Mark and I went to see his therapist the next day and talked to him about this. The therapist agreed that Luke's primary stress was coming from school, even on half days--Luke was still having TMJ pain around 6-7 (on a scale of 10) every day, and some mornings he didn't want to wake up.
So we all agreed to pull him from school and put him on homebound the rest of the year. I also started weaning him off lexapro very slowly--there's a black box warning for kids on SSRIs, that they can cause suicidal thoughts. Luke says he had these thoughts before lexapro, but he never expressed them or did anything like hold his breath. He just took his last 2.5 mg dose yesterday.
We did a genetic test for him (and Sophie and me) to see which drugs work best, and we all three have a short gene allele that is incompatible with SSRIs (meaning serotonin from the drugs do squat in our brains). The SNRIs are supposed to work, but I've had terrible experiences with those (so has Sophie--more on that).
I asked to have Luke start wellbutrin last week, and he's on a very low dose, bc it's in his "red" column, meaning he could have side effects at higher doses. Wellbutrin is the only thing that works for me, and his and my gene profiles are very similar. Also he craves things that increase dopamine (like video games) and I think it may be what works. We will see and only time will tell.
But he is not out of the woods. My sweet son does not want to live a long life--he does not want to live to be a teenager or a grown up or live after Mark or I die. He just told us this last week. It is terrifying and heartbreaking.
He has severe social anxiety and is highly sensitive to sounds and smells and light. I have no idea what we are going to do for 7th grade. We are taking with two of the private schools in town, but not sure if he'll even be able to handle either of them. He may have to be homeschooled.
I have called a friend of Mark's who is a psychiatrist who does TMS (magnet therapy) and also does ECT. I went to high school with his office manager and told her everything. They are checking if they can do TMS on a 12 year old. Honestly I don't know if Luke could handle it--it is loud and thumps the head.
I'm also going to get an ECS device from Alph a Stim and try that on myself, and if it helps me, then see if Luke will try it.
Luke sees his therapist every 2-3 weeks, but he won't talk about serious issues. He clams up. Which from what I've read of other parents with kids like him is the usual way with them. We are looking at possibly switching therapists but I don't know if it will help.
He has sworn he has no plans to hurt himself, and my therapist says kids his age can have feelings of suicide but no actions. My concern is that we have to help him now, bc the longer he's depressed and the older he gets, he could figure out a way to act. I check his phone and search history all the time for if he's looking for ways to hurt himself. And he hasn't. He doesn't know I'm checking his phone.
He does have happy moments and does laugh. He has had a friend over to spend the night a few times this year--but it's just exhausting for him. And he's spent the night at my sister's with his cousin once and had a great time. So he has some fun. I think though that in the background there is the black dog of depression always there.
Now for Sophie: She has been depressed since last May. We took her off her migraine med amitriptyline, which is what I thought was her issue. It took from May to October to wean her off it. She started seeing a therapist last fall and also a nurse practitioner for meds.
The therapist hasn't helped her. She wasn't a good fit. In March we tried an SNRI antidepressant, Pristiq, based on the genetic testing results. It was a disaster (Pristiq was awful for me, as well). She was exhausted and lethargic to the point she couldn't function or do any homework for almost a month. She was only on Pristiq for 5 weeks, and 2 of those were at 25 mg (other 3 weeks at 50mg).
The NP had her try trintellix next. Another disaster. She took it for two days, and both days threw up 20 min after she took it. Not a side effect we were willing to deal with. Those two days were the start of her spring break. And she was coming off Pristiq. So she had to deal with withdrawals that week as well.
Now she's just back to being depressed and sad. We aren't willing to try another medication while she's in school. She's going to see the NP in June. And she's seeing a new therapist in June, also.
She does better when she's with her friends. But she can't be with them 24/7. She also has times when she's fine, but she has weeks when she's just down and struggles to smile or have any joy at all.
Her grades have slipped this quarter. She'll probably get a couple of Bs and maybe a C+, she said. I told her it's ok, she's doing the best she can, and her semester grades will average out better and she can still get into a good college even if she doesn't get straight As. She puts so much pressure on herself. She's in the #1 school in our state, and they put a lot of pressure on the kids, too. But there's no where else she wants to go. So she's sticking it out.
But she keeps going because she has a strong work ethic. And she and I talk openly and I stay on top of how she's doing. I worry about her, but I know she'll be ok. I'm getting her help it's just going to be a little longer until we can get there.
We are going on a family vacation to Florida at the end of May. Hopefully it will be a fun trip for us all, a "vacation from our problems." We're driving to Daytona Beach, staying for a few days, then going to Orlando and doing the parks.
I started seeing my therapist Julie again in January. She's a miracle worker. She has helped me a lot these past months.
I'm taking the same drug cocktail as ever. I miss Vyvanse though, but it made my blood pressure go up.
I've gained a ton of weight. I weighed 204 this morning. I'm freaking miserable and I hate it.
And for the past week I've had a constant, horrible headache. So I've been checking my blood pressure and it's sky high (even off Vyvanse). So I'm going to the doctor tomorrow and will probably have to go on BP medicine. Oh joy. I'm sure I'll get a lecture about my fatness. I haven't seen him in 3 years and I'm at least 40-50 pounds heavier now than I was then.
Mark started eating vegan months ago and goes to the gym all the time. So he's doing his part to stay healthy. Which is awesome. I need him to stay around for the long haul.
So that's the drama and the insanity that is my life. It's not ok and it's not happy and I cry all the time in the car and wonder what the f*** I did to screw everyone up so badly. Now I'm just doing everything I know how to do to fix it.
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