Friday, December 25, 2009

Merry Christmas!

I hope you all have a blessed & peaceful Christmas! Thank you for all your support this year. It has meant so much to me.

Last week I reached 154.8, which I haven't weighed in ages. I can wear my 10s comfortably & I just feel more comfortable in my skin.

My running has not been what it needs to be, though. I have only run once this week, & have an 8 mile group training run tomorrow. I'm going to run 3 miles today, hopefully. So the running thing needs to get better pronto because the mileage for marathon training is already increasing, and April 11th is quickly approaching. I'm hoping now that Christmas is here I'll have more time soon.

New Year's Resolutions (which I don't usually do but might this year) are just around the corner.

Hope you have a great holiday with your families!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


The past week & a half have been pretty crazy, but I'm surviving. I have made some positive changes though. Here's the scoop.

I didn't run 3 times last week like I was supposed to. I only ran one 3 miler, but I did run the 6 mile group training run on Saturday. It was good. I'm really slow still, just under 12 minute miles, but I ran more than I usually do (as opposed to taking a lot of walk breaks) and I finished at least. It was cold but not rainy or very windy, so the weather wasn't a factor. That's not always going to be the case, I'm sure. This Saturday's run is 7 miles.

I ran 3 miles last night--left the house at 7 p.m. after Mark got home & went to the gym. (THIS is why I want a treadmill. But, alas, still no cheap deals to be had. I keep emailing Craigslist people, they keep ignoring me. I guess they are sold by the time I email.) I didn't want to leave the coziness of my warm house, but I did anyway because I have to.

In other news.... I decided that desperate times call for desperate measures, and I'm putting the "better living through chemicals" slogan to work on the diet front. Yes, I went to a diet doc and got diet pills. They are Adipex, which is phentremine. I'm on 37.5 mg a day, split in two doses. I've been on them for a little over a week. So far I haven't had any negative side effects. It really does work. My appetite is squashed. The doctor explained how the drug works on the brain--telling the brain you aren't starving yourself when you are eating 1500 calories a day & you don't need to eat everything in sight right before bed. And that's exactly what's happening.

These aren't miracle pills. You don't lose weight if you don't eat right & exercise. For me, they are keeping me on track, taking away that desperate feeling of NEEDING to eat junk food. I eat healthfully because I need to fuel my body. The pills take away the desire to eat just to eat, and also to eat to comfort or soothe. That's the problem I needed solved. I use antidepressents to help keep my moods stable, so I figure if it's not hurting me, then why not use a diet drug that's been around for decades to help me keep my eating desires stable?

I've lost a little over 3 pounds since starting Adipex, but I'm down 6.4 pounds from my high weight in mid November. My mom asked me Monday if I was losing weight again, & my clothes are definitely fitting better.

The next thing I need to do is add weight training back in. I think my best bet is the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD, as far as a time commitment goes. Even though it's only a 20 minute workout, I still haven't found time to squeeze it in yet.

My dad continues to get worse, health wise (he has ALS). My sister takes care of him during the day & my cousin & uncle take care of him at night. He can still use his power wheel chair, can still use his fingers enough to use the computer a bit, can still lift himself up from his chair (but he's getting weaker & weaker), can still feed himself. But he can't do anything else. We've watched him decline so quickly that we figure he will be bed bound in another month. But, who knows. He's pretty stubborn. I'm responsible for all the bills and paperwork, and there's tons of paperwork--VA, Social Security, long term disability, insurance, MDA, bills. It's overwhelming and takes a ton of time.

Business has been good. Mark is working like mad and it's paying off. I'm so thankful we are doing OK and are still in business. Last year at this time it was very, very scary.

Sophie & Luke are doing well. Sophie had not been having dizzy spells until last week, when we had some big low pressure systems go through & knocked her for a loop. The days it was sunny again she was fine, & then another system went through Monday & she was dizzy again. She's only missed one full day of school, though, the rest of the days she is fine by mid morning/late afternoon. So the meds are still working, they just can't eliminate the migraines completely.

One piece of bad news--we are losing our health insurance in March. The company we work with (they don't employ us, they are our broker/dealer & we pay them to use their services but our sales & commissions flow through them) had to cancel the group health plan they started 2 years ago, because they didn't have enough people participate and the group is costing money instead of making it for the insurance company.

So we have to apply for Medicaid, get turned down, and then apply to the State insurance pool. I have heard it can take 6 to 8 months for this whole process to work. Luke & I will be on regular individual plans (I actually already have one--I switched over to a new plan in October when they raised our rates on the family plan 60%). But Mark & Sophie are uninsurable, because of their health issues. We tried to get them coverage in 2007 & they were both declined, so I'm not just assuming they will be turned down. They already have been.

We've been watching the health care bill more carefully than we ever would have before. I don't care what your politics are, this is what I've learned--if you have to pay 100% for your own health insurance coverage, you're a lot more affected by how expensive good insurance is. And when you don't have insurance and you can't get insurance, then a public option sounds like an awesome idea. Unfortunately, that's apparently not going to happen any time soon.

Just one more thing I have to deal with. At least the wellbutrin, fish oil, calcium, SAD light, xanax, adipex, and running are all doing their jobs & keeping me (relatively) sane.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

I ran today--YAY!

It was yet another rough week. I think I cried every single day. By Friday night I was completely fried.

Today was a better day. Mark & I cleaned & cooked & did laundry. The kids were wonderful. Everything I did today was for ME & MY FAMILY.

It was about time.

I even got to run 3 miles this afternoon while Sophie was at a birthday party & Mark & Luke were home playing. They were glorious miles. Nothing special, nothing fast. Just me on the treadmill at the Y, listening to U2 and walking to warm up, running a full mile in 11 minutes, then walking a bit, then running again slowly and increasing my speed every minute until I got to 7.0 mph (that last sprint was rough, but I was channeling Jillian Michaels yelling at me, and it worked). It felt so unbelievably good to move & sweat.

Monday is THE DAY that marathon training starts. I need to run at least 3 times during the week next week--two 3 milers and one 4 miler, then a 6 mile group run with the training group on Saturday. It may be prayer alone that makes all these runs happen, because God knows my life certainly doesn't have room for training right now.

We are on hold for the treadmill for a bit. I'm hoping to find one for cheap on Craigslist & haven't gotten a response from one seller yet. I'm wondering if next March there will be a flood of them, from people who buy them in January and use them for one week and decide to cut their losses. Their loss might be my gain. We'll see.

I've got a clean house, most of the laundry is done (more to do after I finish here), and I have a healthy family. That's good enough for this girl, for today.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Big black hole... Looking for light

I feel like November was this big black hole that sucked the life right out of me.

I am so ready for the light.

I'm sitting on my couch now, finally watching The Biggest Loser "Where Are They Now?" from last week, and I am INSPIRED. Matt's story of the Ironman Triathalon made me cry. I've been scared that the marathon in April isn't going to happen. I ran last week 3 days, which is more than I have run in weeks & weeks. But I have to do more than 3 days a week. There's just no getting around it.

And after watching the inspirational "After" stories (I'm still in the middle of watching it... how's that for multitasking?) I can't wait to put on my running shoes & hit the pavement.

Since it's almost bedtime, I'll wait until tomorrow.

A very good thing to report--my husband has finally relented & agrees we need a treadmill. WOOHOO! We are reading reviews, looking at Craigslist, trying to decide on the best deal for the money. But, baby, we are finally going to get a treadmill in da house.

It won't just be a coat rack, that's for sure.

Thanksgiving was good. We went to Indianapolis & spent 3 days with Mark's family. We went to the zoo one afternoon, which was wonderful. I didn't over do it, food wise. I ran 3 miles Thanksgiving morning (in the bitter cold & wind & even some sprinkling rain...yeah, it sucked), and I felt great all day because I did. This morning I weighed and was 160.0. It's a flabby 160, though. I have lost so much muscle tone, it's ridiculous. I can still wear my size 10 pants & my size 12 jeans are loose, but I miss my muscles even more than loose size 8s.

Mark is ready to lose weight too. So we are going to eat well together, get the treadmill, & get this body back into fighting shape.

Marathon training officially starts on Monday.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

It's been a while

Sorry it's been so long since I've visited with you all. I'm in survival mode, as you know. It's not getting any better. And it's probably going to get worse before things improve.

I have run a few times since I last posted. Yesterday I hit the treadmill for 3.5 miles. I can tell I've gained weight. It is a lot harder to run at a faster pace. 10-15 pounds is a lot of extra weight to carry at 10 min/mile. So I'm not running 10 min/mile. More like 11:00 to 11:30s. I can run fast for shorter distances, which is what I'm doing & what I've done before. But even my fastest fast is slower. At least the slower running times are a good motivator to lose weight.

And I'm not gaining. But I'm still not losing. Frankly losing weight is the last thing on my mind right now. I'm just trying to keep myself together the best I can without completely self destructing.

Running is hopefully going to be a top priority again, since my Marathon training begins on December 12th and I have to have a pre-training base just to be ready to train. That's why my goal is to run 20 miles this week & every week until the 12th. If I can focus on that, hopefully everything else will be stable enough to keep me from bursting my seams.

My dad's ALS is getting worse every week. He is barely able to transfer himself from place to place. He's having more trouble eating. Today my sister said he is not acting like himself--he's very down, very depressed, doesn't want to eat. I'm not surprised, really. I can imagine the week days are really tough. Weekends we surround him with lots of family, but during the week he has his main care giver and sometimes one other person (whoever might be available from our group of friends & family who are caring for him). The pending divorce & being separated from his totally dysfunctional/batshit crazy wife is hard on him too. My dad's always been emotionally challenged. He's made some tough choices the past few months which have helped bring us all back together, but it doesn't stop him from missing the good parts of his marriage. I think it's like the battered woman who misses her husband; once she's away, she forgets how he used to beat the crap out of her, until someone reminds her of what he's really like. We've had to do a lot of reminding the past several weeks.

The kids are healthy. Mark is healthy. I am healthy. Thank God for small miracles!

Email or comment if you miss me & I'll email you back or I'll post. Otherwise I'll probably let it slide until someone (Vickie :-) bugs me.

I miss this part of me. Hopefully I can keep just enough life in this blog that it will be here when I'm ready for it again.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Nutrisystem, with a meeting

That's what the hospital weight loss program turned out to be. The program is based on HMR meal replacements, which are shelf stable packaged foods similar to Nutrisystem. I would have done the 3 entrees/2 shakes/5 cups of fruits/veggies a day. I would have gone to one meeting a week, which was 90 minutes long but that I had to leave 10 minutes early to pick up Luke from daycare. And I'm sure I'd have lost weight on the program.

But it just didn't feel right. More on that in a minute.

Have you ever had shelf stable entrees? They are, without a doubt, one of the yuckiest things I've ever eaten. I couldn't imagine eating three of those entrees a day for three months. I knew when I called the hospital and asked about the program that meal replacements were involved, but I didn't realize it was the backbone of the whole deal. I hoped it might be like LA Weight Loss's shakes, where you could optionally substitute a shake for a meal, or you'd do 3 meals a day and 2 shakes a day. But no. It's expensive Non Food that they built the program around.

I'm sure it works for a lot of people. But it's not for me.

The not feeling right part started with the nurse who did the informational meeting. She was not obese by any means, but she seriously has more weight to lose than I do! That was the first strike.

At one point in the presentation she asked the group (there were 4 other people) why they wanted to lose weight, and she completely ignored me. Just listened to the other 4, and went right along as if I wasn't even in the room, as if someone who wants to lose "only" 20 pounds isn't worthy of her time. Strike two.

After the meeting was over, I explained that I would have to leave the weekly meeting 10 minutes early each week, and they treated me like I was nuts. "Can't you have someone else pick up your son?" "Can't you do the 6 p.m. class?" Why, no, I've already thought of those options and if they WERE options, I wouldn't be asking to leave 10 minutes early. I'm kind of busting their chops on this issue, because it wasn't that big a deal. It just added to my overall icky feeling about the whole thing. So, strike three, they were out.

I came back to the office afterwards and talked with Mark about it. He had done Nutrisystem last year and hated it. I told him what I wanted--LA Weight Loss back--and he said, why don't you just create your own program and follow it?

Well, yeah, easy to say. Not so easy to implement.

But I am definitely in the "pre-planning" stage of making this happen, and I feel the momentum building toward implementation.

Because I have got to get this weight off in the next few months.

Because I have signed up to (wait for it) run a full marathon in April 2010.

Yeah, I know, I know, I already said ages ago I was going to run the marathon in Nashville next year. But with everything going on with my dad & with our business, it wasn't an option to plan an out of town trip that far in the future.

So in October, right after I ran the Evansville Half Marathon, I was given a huge gift. I learned that Evansville is hosting its first ever full marathon on April 11, 2010, which is 2 days before I turn 40. Perfect timing. The organizers of the race are running a training program with long runs on Saturdays--bonus!

No excuses, I'm doing this marathon next year.

I printed the running schedule off today. I'm resolved to do this thing, but right now I'm completely freaking intimidated. The PRE-TRAIN schedule says I should be running 5 days a week for a total of 21 miles a week for at least a month before the training starts in December. Holy crap! That's more miles than I've ever run in my life.

Which I guess is the point, eh?

I always do my best and accomplish great things when I have a goal. I not only have a goal, I will have help to get there thanks to the Saturday training runs. And I know that I will always, thankfully, have my blog friends for support and accountability.

Thanks, guys, for sticking with me during these dark days. I can feel the light coming. Hopefully I'll be lighter on the scale soon, too.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Desperate Times

It hit me hard this weekend that I was on a slippery slope, sliding out of control toward being obese again. It also hit me hard that there is no way I can correct my course without help.

I've been here before, in this place where I keep telling myself "tomorrow I'll start eating right" or "what is wrong with me? why'd I put that food in my mouth?" And the way I fixed it, at last, was through L.A. Weight Loss, where I met with someone three times a week and followed a prescribed portion plan.

Unfortunately they went out of business in our town in 2008--before I finished my one year contract with them, by the way.

So yesterday I called a local hospital's weight management center. It's a bariatric surgery center, but they have a non-surgical program that is medically supervised and has weekly meetings. I'm going on Tuesday at noon to an informational meeting, and then the weekly meetings will start for me on Wednesday of the next week (I have to have a medical review with a nurse before I can start the meetings).

I guess it's a little nuts to start a weight loss program right before the holidays, but honestly I just can't take this anymore. I could easily gain 10 more pounds by the end of the year--or, hell, it could 20 pounds at the rate I'm going--and I'm not willing to put myself in the "obese" category again.

It's hard enough feeling like I do now. I can't even fathom what 170 or 180 pounds would feel like again.

And I don't ever, ever want to find out.

Thankfully I'm self aware enough (& desperate enough) that I know I can't do this by myself. I need accountability, I need a financial investment, and I need an official plan. So I'm hopeful that the hospital program will be the ticket.

It may be a desperate measure, but that's what I need right now.

Thursday, October 22, 2009


Missing in action is definitely how I feel lately, & not just in blog land. My life right now is so far from what I want it to be--so far from what I've created over the past two years--that I feel like I'm missing an essential piece of who I am.

Namely, the Skinny Girl.

I'm in crisis, guys. My dad's dying, and he's getting a divorce (yes! a divorce! this is a very, very good thing), and it's a lot of work (I'm handling all his finances & paperwork) and emotional upset (the separation/divorce filing court hearing was yesterday and it was a really tough day).

I haven't run or done any exercise since the half marathon on October 11. I've had a few good food days here & there, but there's no consistency for me to get any traction. I've been having those "I can't control myself" feelings around food again and the "Why am I eating like this?" zombie brain like the bad old days.

Work is crazy busy, which is good because we have gotten a couple new clients recently and we are doing marketing events and we are making some money. Every month we are still in business is a victory. But busy is still busy, and it's just one more thing derailing my workouts & food.

I'm not in a place where I can just prioritize better, or wake up earlier, or plan my meals ahead of time. Yes, those are all excellent ways to live a better life. They just aren't possible for someone in my position.

Which is hanging by my fingernails from a very steep cliff.

Thank God, we are healthy. Neither of the kids is sick. I've picked up something in the last day or two but it's just an annoying head cold thingy. Mark is doing okay. Sophie's dizzy spells have been, praise the Lord and medication, pretty much nonexistent this fall. So I'm not without saving graces here.

I have tons of family support. My mom and my sister are always there for me. My uncle (my dad's brother) has been a rock. There are many extended family members--cousins, aunts--who are coming to our rescue, as well.

I am not alone. I'm just overwhelmed.

I will be around the blog world, as I have a little time. This part of who I am--my blog, my bloggy friends--is why I know I can resurrect Skinny Girl when things aren't so insane.

I just hope she doesn't get completely smothered by Fat Girl. I'll settle for Moderately Overweight Girl for the time being.

And yes, dear friend Vickie, I had a lovely time with my dad at the Celtic Woman concert, thank you for asking. Altogether, there were 15 of us there! Dad & Mark & Sophie & my niece Jillian got to go backstage & meet two of the singers. It was a remarkable evening that my dad said "filled a hole in his heart." Sophie said she will always remember that night, as long as she lives. I think the rest of us will, too.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Imagine what I could do if I applied myself

So I ran the half marathon Sunday, even though I'd only gotten 4 hours sleep the night before and even though my training basically evaporated 2 months ago.

It wasn't bad.

I finished officially in around 2:54:ish, and unofficially (because my Garmin stops counting when I stop) in 2:43:ish. I walked a good portion of the last 3 miles and my running pace, when I was running, was much slower than usual, in the 11 - 12 min/mile range.

I was really, super glad I did it.

I didn't get injured, I didn't feel horrible all day, and I was stiff the next day but on Tuesday I was back to feeling normal.

It's frankly amazing that my body cooperates with me so well. I feel like I have been given a huge gift, to be able to run/walk 13.1 miles with virtually no training, not hurt myself, and not be miserable for days after.

So I keep thinking to myself "Imagine what I'd do if I'd trained?!"

I'll share more soon......

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Tiny little update

So today is a good day. I'm taking it a day a time, and today so far is a good day.

I got to run yesterday, 3.24 miles, 39 minutes. It was a good run. I felt strong, even though it had been forever since I'd run much. I weighed 158.6 this morning, so I'm holding steady. I didn't binge last night--it's hard to eat Oreos when you're watching The Biggest Loser, ya know?

Things with my dad are still going well. He wanted to take the family to see The Celtic Woman performance this Saturday night, so we have 13 tickets (we have a big extended family!) and we are all going. It's his big "final gift" to everyone. I'm going to surprise him with a gift of our own--we have backstage passes for him. Right now we have 2, and I'm trying to get a 3rd so that both my sister & me can go with him. Otherwise, I'll let my sister go (if that's what Dad wants) because she has put up with so much crap over the years and never left his side. I think it will mean the world to him.

I'm still waffling about the half marathon, which is this Sunday. I really want to do it. If I get any semblance of decent sleep & the weather is cooperative, I'm going to. If it's too much, then I won't. No pressure on myself, at all. I figure I can do it in 3 hours without too much trouble (hope those aren't famous last words!).

For now, it's all good.

Except I got a speeding ticket this morning, which sucks. But you know? It didn't really upset me, so I guess that's a sign I'm dealing with life pretty well right now. Thanks be to God.

Friday, October 02, 2009

Is it Friday already?

And it's October? Are you kidding me? My son turns 4 in a month. Christmas is less than 3 months away. 2010 is a mere 90 days from now.

I guess my age is starting to show, because time is flying by faster than ever.

We also are one year out from when we thought the financial world was going to collapse. I'm frankly astonished--and thankful--that we (my husband & me) are still in business. It's been a rough year. But we survived.

Things are going well with my dad. The wife is still gone. They are emailing each other, and he is forwarding all their emails to me & my sister so we know what's going on and so he feels protected, emotionally, from her. He still loves her, he says, but he can't have her in his life anymore because of how she shuts everyone else in his family out. I've spent more time with him & talked with him more in the past week than I have in the last 2 years. And it's good time. There's immense healing going on. He's a different person. He told me he feels alive for the first time in years. This, from a man who the doctors have said has 6 to 12 months to live.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

I lifted weights Wednesday night & ran 1.5 miles. I still feel sore. If I'm going to do any more workouts this weekend, though, it's going to be a stretch--I've got plans with Sophie & Mark tonight (nature walk with church group) and tomorrow (swim lessons @ 9:30, pick up my dad for the ALS walk at 11:30, ALS walk from 11:30 - ?, stay with my dad until 7 p.m.-ish). Then Sunday will be church, grocery shop, laundry, clean, and family vegetation in front of TV football if there's time.

Anyway, I'm doing OK. I haven't gained any more weight, which is a plus. My jeans still fit. I brought my SAD light into the office & started sitting under it yesterday. It's on right now. I only have to sit under it for 40 minutes so it being kind of in the way isn't a big deal. I just move it when I'm done.

So that's it from here. I will check in with you all next week.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Too much

My dad kicked his emotionally abusive wife out last Wednesday. You might remember the drama around his illness (he has ALS) and his wife trying to drive my sister & me away from him. He'd finally had it last Wednesday after yet another confrontation and told her to leave. He not only told her to leave, he called my sister and asked her to come over to protect him. Then he asked my sister to call my mom & her husband and have them come over so they could protect him. This is unprecedented. My dad wants my mom around, my mom and her 6'6'' husband who has a concealed weapons license. Dad's afraid. He hasn't been alone for one minute since she left. And she's left peacefully, for now.

I've been spending a lot of time with him since then, which has been a huge blessing.

The good news is that a tremendous peace has settled on our family now that she's gone.

The bad news is now I can't just put his illness and my feelings in my nice little box and file it away and ignore it. I have to deal with all the emotions. And it's hard. Really really hard.

I'm not losing any weight, because I have zero energy for it. I'm scared. I realized yesterday I could easily have 40 pounds to lose instead of 10 if I don't get a handle on myself soon. I have got to make exercise a priority. It's the only thing that is going to save me, because I don't have the energy to do the food right now. Exercise makes a difference on every level. I feel better, I look better, it helps keeps the comfort food eating in check.

But I have had no time to do anything since Wednesday, before I got the call from my sister Wednesday night.

I'm not spending all my nights with my dad. There are miracles at work and we have other family members (on my dad's side) who are living with him & taking care of his daily needs. But I'll be spending significant time with him every weekend, which I'm happy about. He may not have many weekends left. And I'm now co-Power of Attorney (with my sister) and I have responsibility for getting his finances figured out.

I'm not sleeping well, so I started taking xanax again to sleep. That makes it hard to wake up in the morning. It's all quite a mess, actually.

Anyway, I'm going to try to leave today at 4 p.m. and either take a body pump class or go running in this gorgeous weather.

I don't have all the answers. I know things could be worse. I know they could be much much better. I'm going to do the best I can. Please pray that I don't end up back at 200 pounds before this is all over with.

Vickie, you'd asked a while back when I go to sleep at night. That is a great question and you have zero'd in on a big problem I have. I'm a night owl by nature, & my brain gears up around 9 p.m. and I usually watch TV and do laundry or just vegetate on the couch or read. I go to sleep around 11 p.m. most nights, sometimes later (last night it was almost midnight). Not a good plan for breakfast, eh? It doesn't help that my husband stays up even later than I do. I need an overhaul!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Tuesday update

Man, I've got nothing creative whatsoever to say today, so I'll just give the basics.

I ran/walked a total of 10 miles last week. That's the most I've done since mid August.

I had very little time to workout yesterday, but I didn't let that stop me. I walked a couple laps then ran 2 miles on the indoor track at the Y. I then did 15 pushups (broken into 3 sets) & did situps for a few minutes.

Food has been The Suck. I have not been eating breakfast regularly. I didn't eat anything this morning until 10 a.m. Bad, bad, bad.

I went shopping Saturday at one of the nice thrift stores in town. I refuse to spend $$$ on bigger clothes, but I have to have clothes that fit. I can't magic these 8-10 pounds off my body over night, so the solution was to buy new second-hand clothes. I found a great pair of black pants, size 10. Found a brand new pair of Limited "the suit" wool pants, with tags on ($98 on the tag, at that) for $6. These were a 12, but they are a bit baggy & my skinny weight Limited pants are 10s, so I was okay with the 12s. I found a few other pieces that were all size 10s. Monday I wore the black pants & felt so much better about the way I looked. It sucks to gain weight, but it sucks more to wear tight clothes that just emphasize to you & everyone else that you've gained weight.

I realize, of course, that buying bigger clothes sizes & not feeling horribly distressed about it could be a very dangerous thing. I'm not happy that I'm in bigger sizes; but I'm not destroyed right now. Of course, it helps ease my guilt a little, knowing that I only spent $35 and got 2 dresses, 2 skirts, 2 pairs of pants, and a Talbots shirt.

I know the weight gain has to stop. I don't have my head in the sand. I weighed yesterday & I weighed today (159.2 and 158.8, respectively). It's not out of control yet. I've got the YMCA group exercise schedule, and my goal is to do two Body Pump classes a week. I'll run/walk several other days a week. For me, I think weight training is a major missing link in my fitness & body image. I loved having firm muscles last year. I want that back.

It's a start at least.

Now, if I can just do that one simple thing of eating breakfast every day, maybe I'll have a shot.

Friday, September 18, 2009

There may be hope after all

Thank you all for your encouragement. I should know by now I can spill my ugly guts & you all will still be nothing but supportive.

Clearly I have not reacquired my 200 pound body. I have not had to buy new clothes (but it's getting close). My body is closer to the weight I've been the majority of my life. The 145-151 pound range is the anomaly here. Not 158.

And at 158 I've got the body of someone you see as the "before" shot on the P90X commercials. Not horrible, I grant you. But obviously there's room for lots of improvement. If you believe in the BMI, I'm "overweight" at anything above 149.

And I feel overweight right now. I AM overweight right now. I'm eating like I'm overweight. I'm not exercising enough. It's the same old slippery slope all over again.

The crap of it is, I've got no energy to deal with it right now. Jill's right. I've got to just hang on to what I can, maintain, not go nutso with the food (I have not succumbed to powdered sugar donuts or DQ blizzards, so there's still hope), and run when I can.

I did run yesterday. It was kind of neat actually. I just couldn't start out running. I was so tired, feeling so out of shape. So I walked a quick mile--about 14:30 min/mile according to Garmin. Then I felt like I could run. Well, jog actually. Mile 2 was around 12 mins. Then I walked the 3rd mile again. Then I ran the 4th mile.

Funny thing about that 4th mile. I did it in 10:30.

Huh. Slow down to go faster. There's a novel idea.

If I didn't have to pick up the kids from day care, I could have kept going another 4 miles, easy. I barely felt winded, tired, bored, or otherwise. I felt energized. I haven't felt like that in a long time.

During the 1st mile it hit me like a Mack truck that I could do this half marathon in October if I walked a good portion of it. I could alternate miles or half miles, whatever I felt like. I know I can run 6.5 miles. I know I can walk 6.5 miles. I can put them together and do the half. It won't be fast, but at least it won't be a total loss. I do have to get some miles on the bod between now and October 11, but I've got enough time that I won't hurt myself if I just slow it down.

Obviously I reserve the right to change my mind at any time & bow the hell out of this thing, but for now it's back on and the t-shirt I pick up on October 9th will at least mean something to me if I show up on October 11. What? You don't think I'd pay $55 and not get the free stuff, do you? I'm getting the free stuff no matter what.

In other news.... Sophie woke up this morning with a dizzy spell, but I gave her an ativan & ibuprofen and within 90 minutes it was gone. GONE! I think we have found the magic medicine combination for this girl. I took her to school only an hour & a half late. Mark is starting to feel better, after 12 days of having the flu. He's no where near 100%, but at least he's not struggling to talk and breathe at the same time.

My dad's ALS is getting much worse, very quickly. I haven't seen him for quite a while, but we email each other, which is better anyway because his speech is nearly unintelligible. We were all supposed to see him the Sunday before his birthday, which was the day before Labor Day. He had to cancel because he'd had other family (his wife's) up that weekend and was exhausted by Sunday night. It was an intervention from God, because Mark woke up that Monday with the flu. My dad would not survive a respiratory infection.

The kids start swim lessons tomorrow again. Sophie is at the top level - Shark - & Luke will take his first swim lesson ever. He really got used to the water this summer, in his floaty vest of course. I'm so excited to see them both in the pool at the same time.

It's coming on fall. I love the cooler temps and gorgeous leaves, but hate the lack of sunlight. I am going to start using my SAD lamp soon, or else I'm going to be in trouble.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

If you can't say something nice

Sometimes it's easier to just be quiet in blog land when things aren't going well in real life.

So I haven't got much to say.

Mark is still sick. I'm still stressed.

Life keeps throwing me daily curve balls.

I'm still waiting for a break.

My kids are healthy. I'm healthy. I supposed that's as much break as I'm going to get right now, & I ought to be thankful for it.

The highlight of my week has been The Biggest Loser premier, which was wonderful (even though teary). I'm really looking forward to this season. I hope it provides some inspiration so I can kick myself in the (getting bigger every day) behind.

Seriously, I looked at myself in the mirror this morning & thought "I'm no longer an after. I'm a before."

So see? I just better shut my bloggy mouth right there.

Better to say nothing at all.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Surviving not thriving

God Bless Vickie for keeping us all accountable.

I survived the weekend, but I did not thrive.

Indeed, it was horrible.

And I just wrote a terribly depressing, long drawn out post that I decided you do NOT need to read. Shit, I lived through it once. You all don't need to re-live my misery vicariously.

At least not today.

The net net is this:

My husband is sick with the flu and an upper respiratory infection and severe back pain, and has been for over a week.

My daughter is sick today, not terribly and I don't think it's the flu (yet anyway) but she's at the office and not in school (she is easy as pie to deal with, so the only issue is she's missing school). My son so far is OK but has a croupy cough that I hope doesn't worsen. No symptoms from me yet.

There's a crazy amount of stress still in our lives and the illness & incapacity is just about more than I can handle.

Add to that no running, the strong probability that I am bailing on my half marathon, and the sad fact that I'm back in the sugar after one blessed day of not being in the sugar, and there you have it.

I have reached my limit and I need a break. I don't know how, I don't know from where, and I don't know when, but a break is without a doubt what I need.

So I'm praying for a break. I just hope I'm not so covered over that I can recognize it when I see it.

Friday, September 11, 2009


I read more of Potatoes Not Prozac last night. I'm still on Step 1 (Breakfast) but I'm reading the rest of the book to get an idea of what lies ahead & to gain a better understanding of how sugar sensitivity affects my brain & body.

All I can say Page after page of AHA! moments. I've never read anything that has so clearly expressed the WHY's of my relationship with sugar.

It's very freeing.

I am starting to get the sense that the way that I am is not my fault. And I am not doing the "Oh poor me, I will always be fat and there's nothing I can do about it" thing. I am realizing that my brain is wired differently than most people. (I'm sure there are many in my family who would agree with this statement who have no idea I'm sugar sensitive. But I digress.)

Think about how alcoholics manage their disease. Their brains aren't geared like non-alcoholics. Well, sugar sensitive people's brains are wired very similarly to alcoholics.

No one says to an alcoholic, if you just had more willpower you could drink once in a while. No one says to an alcoholic, it's all your fault that you are this way, you brought it on yourself. No one says to an alcoholic, a little bit won't hurt you, go ahead, have a drink.

Dropping sugar completely is the next to last step in this 7 step process. I'm no where near ready to eliminate sugar from my life. I'm laying the groundwork, which will likely take months & months. There are anecdotes in the book where people spend 3 months on step 1. The process is very personal. There are no set time frames. The only rule is that you master each step before moving on to the next.

But I've cheated a little. I wanted to see what it would be like to eat 3 meals with proteins & complex carbs and then have a potato before bed. That's what I did yesterday. And I have to say, it was pretty cool. I didn't have cravings really. I had 3 cookies with dinner last night (Chips Ahoy reduced fat, 140 calories)--but WITH dinner, not at 10 p.m. (that's part of the plan--during step 3 you can still eat your sugary foods, but they have to be with a meal). And I had a potato at 9 p.m. while watching football.

I slept well but had the craziest dreams.

The author mentions this--if you are low on serotonin and you start the 3 protein meals/potato at night routine, you may have very vivid dreams. My dreams last night confirm the low serotonin issue I have, which is awesome. I feel like I'm finally on the right track of figuring out how to live a balanced life.

Hopefully weight loss will be a nice side affect. It's definitely not the driving force here. But I did weigh 156.6, almost a pound loss from 2 days ago.

I can't wait to share more with you. And if you crave sugar and carbs and are struggling with mood/depression issues, I'd encourage you to buy the book (get the new edition). It's really worthwhile, and not just another diet book.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

I didn't eat last night

I also didn't run, but that's another story.

I've been back to the night eating habit for a few weeks, since I fell off the wagon. I know this habit is a result of my brain & body wanting more happy brain chemicals. And to a very large extent, I can't control it. Any of you who have gone through the "I just can't stop myself" knows what I'm talking about.

What I can control much better is what I eat during the day time hours. And so, for a little over a week I've been following the Potatoes Not Prozac first step of eating breakfast. I've not been perfect. One morning I didn't eat protein. Another morning it was 90 minutes after I woke up before I ate breakfast (I did have my coffee with 15 minutes, though...go figure).

It's not as easy as it looks, this eating breakfast as prescribed in the book. But I think it may have made a difference last night. I don't have any other explanation for my ability to FIGHT the cravings at bedtime yesterday. The cravings were still there, but they weren't impossible to overcome.

I overcame them. I ate nothing after 9 p.m. This is a huge deal.

It's also a very small step in the very large recovery that I need to go through. But at least it's a step forward.

The running? Not so good on that front. My last post was the last time I ran. The weekend was filled with kids and family & no time for me to spend on me. Monday I was going to go on a long run, and Mark came down with the flu. I couldn't leave the kids with him. Yesterday he was sick so I worked late at the office. I still can't do early morning workouts and I can't make myself go out or put in a DVD at 9 p.m. at night after the kids are in bed. Once I'm in my comfy clothes when I get home from work, I'm done.

Frankly, I'm so mentally tired that I can't summon the seemingly extraordinary measures it would take to move my body beyond the bare minimum requirements.

My half marathon in October is in jeopardy. If I can't get in at least a few runs a week over the next month, I'll scrap it completely. If I can, then I'll likely do the race but will have no time goals and will likely have to walk a good part of it. I really don't want to be a DNS (did not start). I've never bailed on a race. This might be my first.

My life is mentally exhausting right now. I've got no extra energy reserves for weight loss or fitness.

It's been 2 years this month since I hit 155 pounds. I weighed 157.4 this morning, so I'm still maintaining but I'm on dangerous ground.

I will be okay. I'm not eating powdered sugar donuts or Ben & Jerry's. I'm working a plan, even though it's a very simple, slow plan.

Simple & slow may be the only thing I can do right now.

It's better than nothing.

Friday, September 04, 2009

I ran! I ran!

4 miles last night. Avg: 11:30/mile

That is all.

Happy 3 day weekend!

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Off Topic - Engagement Story

Casablanca was on TCM last night. Have I shared my engagement story with you all? I've been doing this blog for what, 3 years? I'm guessing I have, so if you've heard this before forgive me. If you haven't, enjoy my little engagement story. It's pretty special. We've been married for 14 years so it helps to remember our beginnings.

Cue the flashback music......

Mark & I met in June 1993. I was 23 & he was 31. We dated for about 2 months, I was falling head over heels for him, & one night he told me “if you want to get married you need to find someone else, because I’m never getting married.”

I broke up with him the next day on the phone, then spent 3 hours crying, then called him back & said I didn’t want to break up. He said “this isn’t high school, Laura” & that was that. We were apart for about a week, he went on a date I think (I pined away meanwhile), and then he called me & asked me to lunch. He said I was messing with his work, he couldn’t concentrate at all, & we could try it again but with no promises. Stupid, 23 year old me said OK!

But 14 months after we met, on his birthday July 31, 1994, he proposed. I had NO IDEA. We’d gone to his niece’s wedding in New Harmony (a small idyllic town in Indiana) that May, and had shared a room (we were in love, just no plans for marriage) & had talked about how we’d never be able to top her wedding because it was so special. But we never said, “when we get married it will be such and such.” We never talked about getting married. It just wasn't on the table.

So on July 31st I had taken him to New Harmony for his birthday present to see a play (The Fantastics, which is a musical actually) and spend the night at the Inn. He brought a couple movies with us since movies were our thing. After the play we went back to the room & he put in Casablanca. About 45 minutes into the movie (have you seen it?) when Bogart says “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine,” it flashes to Mark saying those famous lines instead of Bogart. He had a friend help him film the scene, had it digitized in B&W and added to the VHS tape.

Mark added these lines, in his best Bogart voice: “Well there’s no use fightin’ it, see. It’s preordained. In the cards. You & me kid, we go together like pork chops & applesauce. So what do ya say, schweetheart? Laura, will you marry me?” And then the movie just cuts back to Bogart & Sam in the bar like nothing has happened. I was frozen in time—completely shocked. I said, “Really? Do you mean it? Are you sure?” It was so surreal that I didn’t believe he was actually proposing until I saw he had a ring, too. Obviously I said yes & the rest is history.

Yep, it was a pretty amazing way to start an engagement.

Our VCR is broken, & last night's movie reminded me I need to get the tape copied to a DVD. It will be fun to show it to the kids.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Knowing is not the same as Doing

Isn't this the crux of all our weight loss problems?

We KNOW what to do. It's the DOING that can be so difficult.

My brain if filled with knowledge. Overfilled, I'd say. I love to read and research and pull data together in my head. I'll over analyze a problem to death. I've bought more books and bookmarked more websites on health, running, parenting, and ADHD than I'll ever be able to do anything with.

The latest book in my arsenal is filled with new information (for me) on biochemistry. It's not new information on the basics of nutrition. I know to eat a good breakfast of protein & complex carbs. I know to not eat junk food at 11 p.m. at night. I know to workout 3-5 times a week. I know to get a good night's sleep.

I know. But I don't always do.

The brain chemistry information in Potatoes Not Prozac is fascinating. Did you know that when you don't eat breakfast, your brain releases a chemical called beta endorphin? Beta endorphin is the same chemical that's released on my long runs & is responsible for my craved-for runner's high. You can read more about it on the author's website, here.

Beta endorphin is released when you don't eat breakfast because your brain thinks you are in starvation mode & it wants to protect you. So you feel sort of high for a while when you don't eat breakfast. Pair that with a cup of coffee with cream & sugar (or a Red Bull) and you have an even bigger hit of beta endorphin, because sugar causes it to be released, too.

Is it any wonder I wake up, drink my coffee, get the girl on the school bus, get ready for work, get the boy to day care, and finally arrive at work without putting a bite of food in my mouth? I've conditioned my brain to want that feel good chemical every morning. And I do feel great most mornings when I don't eat breakfast.

When I'm doing a Diet Plan, I eat a good breakfast. It's part of the plan, so I do it.

But when I'm Off the Wagon, I go back to the old habits, which includes skipping a solid meal in the morning. I'll have my coffee, maybe a couple of low fat cheese sticks in the car, and then I'll have a good lunch, a mid afternoon snack, a fairly healthy dinner, then all hell breaks loose as I consume sugar & alcohol so those beta endorphins can wash over my brain before I fall asleep.

I've never read about beta endorphins before this book. There's a lot more to it, too. I'll share more about WHY it's so easy to fall off the wagon after a couple weeks of being "good" on a plan. She explains that, as well.

So. I'm working this first step, which, like I said yesterday, is simple but not easy. It's work, and it's not what my messed up addicted little brain wants. But I'm doing it anyway.

Day 2. Breakfast. Done.
BTW, I need breakfast ideas. I've done eggs & egg whites & Ezekial toast & turkey bacon. Two days in a row. I've got to get creative with the protein. So lay it on me if you've got some good combinations. 26 grams of protein is a lot, I'm finding.

BTW-2: The protein deal is figured thusly-- divide your weight in half, that's how many grams of protein you should have in a day. Divide that number in 3, & that's how much protein for each meal. So for me, that's 155 / 2 = 77.5 / 3 = 25.8 grams for breakfast. (She says you should not have more than 42 grams at any one meal, so for higher-weight people there is a limit that is outside the weight formula.)

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Step 1: Breakfast

So I've been reading the new book for the past several days. It's been very enlightening. After all I've read on food and diets and also on depression, you'd think there'd be nothing new out there.

But, of course, there's always something new to learn.

I'll get into more of the science stuff when I have more time to chat. For now I'm going to skip straight to Chapter 6 "The First Step: Getting Started."

Are you ready? Here it is.

Eat breakfast.

That's it. Simple, right? But with most simple things, it's not easy.

There are, of course, some rules around breakfast eating. It's not like you can eat a bowl of Lucky Charms. The rules are these:
1) Have the right amount of protein for your weight (for me, that's about 26 grams)
2) Eat within an hour of getting up
3) Have a complex carbohydrate
4) Have breakfast every day.

#2 & #4 are going to be tough. Eating this type of breakfast means I have to get up early enough so I have time to make my food & eat it. In order to get up early enough I have to go to bed at night early enough. & in order to go to bed on time I have to be efficient and productive with my time at night.

I also have to not eat a bunch of junk food before bed, because the last thing I want when I wake up after a binge night is to eat a big breakfast.

And that, my friends, is the big freaking deal about this breakfast thing. I can't eat the crap I like to soothe myself with at night if I want to accomplish step #1 successfully.

When I was losing weight in 2007, what I found was key to success more than anything else was consistency. I might screw up once in a while, but more often than not I was consistent with my food plan. And I never quit. I kept moving forward every week.

The author of this book says that the key to her plan is to master each step before moving on to the next. Eating breakfast consistently will help set the stage for the body to heal itself.

She doesn't prescribe the number of successful days of eating breakfast and then you're ready to move onto step 2 (at least, I haven't read that yet....maybe she does & I'm just not there). But she's very clear that success on the plan is achieved more often when you master each and every step before moving on to the next.

I've got one successful breakfast day under my belt. This consistent breakfast thing is going to be interesting. Simple, but not easy.

Cooler weather at last! I got to run yesterday, about 40 minutes & a little over 3 miles. I'm still slower than molasses, but at least the temps are cooler & I'm enjoying the run more. I'm no where near close to my training plan for the Half on October 11. I still have time to get in my long runs, but not much. And my weekends are already filling up. So I'm not sure where I stand with that race. I'm really just going to do the best I can & let it go at that.

Friday, August 28, 2009

A review, a link, and a realization

POM WONDERFUL! Pomegranate juice is mighty tasty. Especially when it's free and comes in cute little baby bottles. I was thrilled to receive a case of POM from these good folks, and it was the first time I'd ever had 100% pomegranate juice. If you haven't tried it, go get some! It's delicious. And has many health benefits, too.

My husband drank most of the juice, since he's a known juice consoisseur & a wee bit greedy when it comes to cold wet things in the fridge. But, after I read about these health benefits, I've decided my husband can drink all the pomegranate juice he wants. Click the link & you'll know what I'm talking about.

Than you POM Wonderful for sharing your juice with me. You're a little pricey, but you're tasty. I'm sure you'll be finding your way into my shopping cart more often.

I started fretting about my 40th birthday before I even turned 39. Seriously, I set up a countdown on FaceBook in March 2009 entitled "Laura turns 40."

Being that I'm now only 228 days from the big 4-OH (I know it's 228 days thanks to the above mentioned countdown), I'm greedily inhaling any and all whiffs of hope that middle age isn't all that bad. This article about Amby Burfoot was one of those stories of hope. Sure, he's a Boston marathon winner, which makes him practically super human, but he's still human. So his "age defying mindset" tips are refreshing as spring rain. Even if you're not a runner, you might enjoy his point of view.

In case you were wondering, I've fallen off the Crack the Fat Loss Code wagon. It all started last Thursday, which was a Carb Up day that I never came Down from.

Yesterday I was logging my anxious & depressed mood into my "MOOD" excel spreadsheet (what would I do without my excel spreadsheets? I use them to track EVERYTHING). And I realized that my anxiety and depression ratcheted up on the day I started eating bad carbs. And just like my carbs haven't come back down, neither has my anxiety or depression. I've had a rough week and a half.

Now, even though this should not be an AHA! moment, being that I've been dealing with food and weight loss and depression for most of my adult life, the pieces sort of fit together at last while I was studying the columns & rows of "moods.xls."

I googled "anxiety and depression and sugar and carbohydrates" and found several entries that confirmed my theory that my depression and anxiety come raging when I'm eating the wrong stuff. I mean, I knew I felt guilty & fat & bloated when I ate sugary fattening foods. And I knew I got the wants & wanted more when I ate those foods. And I knew my night eating cravings came back when I fed my body junk during the day.

But I didn't realize--either because I blocked it on purpose or because my subconscience was blocking it for me, protective little bastard that it is--that sugar and chocolate and the like can cause anxiety and depression to worsen in some people.

What the hell? I asked myself. Why hasn't anyone ever told me this before? Why didn't I know this? I'm not talking about you eat poorly, you gain weight, you feel bad about yourself, you're depressed. I'm talking about the hard-core biochemical shit that's been screwing with my brain lately.

Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Maybe the wellbutrin is messing things up in my sensitive little noggin. Or maybe, just maybe, I am sensitive to sugar in more ways than it just makes me fat.

Maybe it's making me crazy, too.

So, one of the resources I found was for the book "Potatoes Not Prozac." Have you heard of it? I remember reading that title years and years ago & thinking the author must be nuts to think a potato could replace prozac. But after reading some other websites and reading an interview with the author about symptoms that are very similar to mine, I ordered the book off of Amazon yesterday and it's in my hands today. (God bless those speedy folks at

I must confess something to you now. And this is not a pretty confession. It's very difficult, actually. So sit down if you're not sitting down already.

The primary reason I caved & bought yet another book is because she talked about how craving sugar can eventually lead to craving alcohol. I have never ever been much of a drinker. Never. I didn't drink in high school or college, and in my early 20s when I was going out with girlfriends, I was always the sober designated driver. I've been a sober prude for most of my adult life. Ask anyone who's known me for longer than two years and they'd agree that I can be the world's biggest wet blanket.

But in the past year, that's started to change. I get home from work and I need a drink (man, that sounds just awful). I automatically reach for a bottle of Mike's Hard Pomegranate Lemonade (which, I believe, is NOT 100% pomegranate juice so it unfortunately does not have the same benefits as POM Wonderful) the minute I'm changed out of my work/workout clothes. Some nights I want a 2nd bottle after the kids are in bed.

The weeks I was doing the Crack diet successfully, I was still having a Mike's once in a while. I could still lose, as long as I stayed away from junk food. Junk drink seemed to not derail me.

Except, actually, it did knock me off the rails, because now one bottle isn't enough.

Yes, I know this is a problem. A big, ugly, fucking grown up problem.

So. Add that to the list of problems I've got.

Middle aged acne is another big one that I don't yet have a solution to, but that's for another day.

(Believe it or not I'm not drinking while writing this. I know I sound a little loopy. I'm feeling okay right now and I'm on an upswing I guess. Those upswings bring out the goofiness in my writing style, to be sure.)

Part of me can't wait to get into this book over the weekend and see if it can help. Part of me thinks I'm a total freaking moron to think yet another book is going to fix me.

But the biggest part of me feels like it's all going to be okay, as long as I keep searching, keep learning, keep listening to what my brain and body are trying to tell me.

I am running, and I am sleeping, and I am loved by my family. The rest of it will work itself out, God willing.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Dry Spell

Years ago I read an article in a fashion magazine about marriage and sex. The author said that when she and her husband went for too many days without having sex, their emotional connection got all fuzzy. I don't remember anything else about the article--what the symptoms of the fuzzy connection were or what she did to remedy the dry spell. I can imagine what they'd be, since I've been married 14 years and have had my share of not getting my share. But I remember that line clearly: their emotional connection got all fuzzy.

Something similar has happened to me recently. I feel disconnected, soft, and my brain is fuzzy like a summer peach. It feels like it's been forever, and I'm not sure how to get back in the saddle, so to speak, because it's been so long and I'm a little intimidated of starting things up again. It's not like it's been months or anything, but it has been a couple weeks since anything significant has happened.

I'm not talking about my marital relationship, though. It's a running dry spell that I'm going through. And it's bloody painful.

I've described to my friends before that running 13.1 miles is almost as good as great sex. The constant flood of endorphins that make their presence seriously known around mile 5 is as close to a passionate romp as anything else I've experienced.

During my first half marathon, I had my first running orgasm. Okay, so I didn't have an actual orgasm (although how freaking cool would that be?). But I had the equivalent of one--my spirit was lifted heavenward, I was transported, my body was so awash in goodly brain chemicals that it moved of its own volition, doing my bidding without me having to even try. I had an honest to goodness out of body experience around mile 12. I can't describe being able to run farther than I've ever run in my life, other than I died and went to heaven for those last two miles. I was filled with white light, moving forward, on and on and on among other souls who sought the same destination.

Crossing the finish line was pure bliss.

So why, with the memory of ecstasy being within my power, can't I get my ass out there and run?

Our weather this weekend was unseasonably cool for August. Upper 50s in the mornings, with highs in the 70s. It was perfect running weather. In August. In Southern Indiana. And did I run once? No. Did I have a legion of excuses why I couldn't run? Yes. Do I feel like a total worthless piece of "how can you call yourself a runner" garbage? Well, it's not quite that bad, but close.

So now that it's been over three weeks since I ran a significant distance (I'm not counting my 5 miler a week and a half ago, because I walked half of it because it was too stinking hot), I'm all freaked out over it. I want to run. I do. But I feel disconnected, soft, and fuzzy. Like this relationship might have some serious issues.

And I'm doubting myself like mad. How can I call myself a runner if I can't even make myself run a solid 3 miles on the most beautiful days of the summer? How can I call myself a runner if I don't want to run the Race for the Cure 5k this year (my First Race Ever was this 5k)? How can I call myself a runner when my training for the Half Marathon in October has been shit?

Getting out there again is intimidating. I have no idea why. It's like when I went through that phase where I would run on a treadmill but have an uncontrollable urge to jump off the tread and onto the rails. I literally could not keep my body off the side rails; my feet had taken over and they said, "Uh uh, not running today, sorry, we like it over here where it's nice and sedentary." It wasn't rational, my side rail issue. But at the time, I was nearly paralyzed by it.

So here's what I'm telling myself today: this dry spell is going to pass the way any dry spell passes. Not with roses or a nice dinner or a new pair of running shoes. It's going to pass because I am going to JUST DO IT. I'm going to put the bullshit excuses aside, get out my sexiest, er I mean fastest, running clothes I own, lace up my Mizunos, and hit the pavement.

You break a dry spell one step at a time. I just need to remind myself that I'll find my bliss again. It's going to require a little foreplay, in the form of 3 and 4 mile short runs. But the bliss is out there, somewhere. I'll find it if I just keep running.

Friday, August 21, 2009

152.8 & a happy post

That's what the scale has said for two days in a row, and Wednesday it was 152.6. AND yesterday was a carb up day, & my weight didn't go up.

Woohoo! I love this plan.

The weather has been better this week and my schedule not as nuts, so I've been running. Tuesday I ran 3.5 miles & yesterday I ran 3. My Wednesday walk with my friend during the kids' swim lessons has turned into a walk/jog! Debra has started running during her walks, so she & I are walking a couple laps and running 3. We ran a little over a mile (the track is 11 laps per mile & we ran the 3 lap circuit 4 times). I feel like I'm getting a much better workout now.

This weekend is supposed to be g.o.r.g.e.o.u.s weather. 50s in the mornings!! That is the absolute best running weather. I cannot wait to be able to run a full mile without thinking I'm gonna die from heat exhaustion. Heck, maybe I'll even be able to run 3 miles straight again without a walk break. 'Cause in summer heat, that just don't happen.

I've got a product review of POM Wonderful I will be throwing out there next week. I owe those folks a big apology. They sent their fabulous juice months ago and I've not reviewed it at all. It was all gone within a week, too! Tells you how much we loved the stuff. Anyway, you've been warned--my first ever product review (&, alas, it may be my last since no one else is going to want my procrastinating self for product pimping).

Weekend plans will hopefully include an 8 mile run Saturday morning, a trip to the zoo, a trip to the children's museum, lots of family time, church on Sunday, and catching up on household chores. (Laundry, why do you taunt me with your ever growing stature?)

It's sad, I know, but I felt immediately happy this morning when my scale repeated yesterday's weight. I got a lift from that number all morning.

I like being on the love side of the my love/hate relationship with The Scale.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Tuesday Down & Dirty

I'm here, just too busy to post much right now. Here's the skinny:

Friday was a carb up day, which was fine except I allowed my hormones to take over and Saturday and Sunday also ended up being carb up days. They obviously weren't supposed to be. I got back on plan yesterday and weighed 153.4 this morning.

I ran 5 miles on Saturday. Was supposed to be 7, but I started at 10:30 & it was way too hot even by then. At 3 miles I decided I was done, so I turned around & ran/walked home.

I've definitely been feeling some hormonal imbalance moodiness since Saturday. As soon as my vitamins from arrives, I'm going to start taking 600 mg of calcium twice a day. My psychiatrist says it's supposed to help with PMS. I already take fish oil twice a day, which helps with weight loss and depression. Hopefully the calcium delivers.

More to come....

Friday, August 14, 2009

"I don't want to be a night eater"

Go read this when you have a chance. It's a great piece of writing.

Frances Kuffel's Psychology Today blog.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


Can you believe this is my 8 year old? Neither can I. She has grown so much. It's been a very good summer, primarily because we've gotten her migraines/dizzy spells figured out. It's been such a blessing for her to have a normal life the past few months. I pray that it continues.

These pics are from the first day of school yesterday. She deserves a good school year. (She missed over 30 days in both kindergarten and 1st grade because of the dizzy spells.) She loves her new teacher. She's easy to get up for school, at least the past two mornings. I'm hopeful that continues.

And she got promoted in swim lessons last night to Shark. That's her second promotion this summer, and Shark is the highest level she can go, and then it's swim team. She'll be in Flying Fish for two more weeks, then a two week break, then we start lessons at the Shark level in mid September. We are moving lessons to Saturday mornings. Wednesday from 5:30 - 6:30 is just too much during the school year. We were all exhausted & grouchy last night.

Thank you all for your morning workout tips!! I loved them all. It was great to hear from some of you that don't normally comment, so big thanks to you especially. I've been waking up this week at 5 - 5:15 a.m. to get to work early. I am going to bed around 10 p.m. This is totally new behavior for me. Usually I go to bed at 11 p.m. - midnight, & get up at 7 or 7:30, & am at work between 9:30-10. I think I'm going to continue to get used to the new sleep/awake times, & then ease into working out in the mornings. I really like getting up early & having time to drink coffee, pray, watch CNBC, clean the kitchen, color my hair (which is what I did this morning), or whatever, and still get to work at 8ish a.m.

I did manage a run yesterday--FINALLY--3 miles in the afternoon. It wasn't too terribly hot in the shade, but it was hot enough to make me slower than molasses. And I think I need new shoes. My shins were hurting & my feet hurt like heck last night. I love getting new running shoes. They are always so supportive & comfy.

Weight is still the same, bah! Can't wait for another drop down a pound or two. I always hold onto weight at mid cycle, so it's not a surprise. Just a bummer. Ah well. I'll keep plugging away.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


Everything's on an even keel right now. My weight, my moods, my life -- are all fairly stable. No surprises, nothing to freak out over, nothing to get too excited about.

Stable = normal = GOOD

I haven't lost anymore weight. I've been stuck in the 153 range for over a week. I'm eating on plan 95% of the time (I had frozen cool whip for dessert one night & a couple handfuls of mini chocolate chips another night...not on plan, but not a disaster, either).

The problem is I'm not exercising. I ran last Friday for 3 miles, & that was it for the entire week. My schedule was nuts with my Dad's illness & Sophie's appointment in St Louis, and one thing after another, blah blah blah and there's no time for ME. I haven't worked out yet this week either. I am kicking around the morning run idea again, and I was awake this morning at 5:15, but I just didn't have it in me to go running. I looked outside to see if it was raining, but that was the extent of my efforts. I probably ought to quit kidding myself that I'm ever going to be a morning workout person.

But I want to be. I want to burn those calories in the a.m. when my body will take them from my fat stores. I want to get my runs out of the way so my evenings are free. And I really, really want to lose more weight. You'd think these would be motivation enough to get me moving.

It's not. Yet.

If you're a converted morning exerciser (as in, you are NOT a morning person but you have managed to recreate yourself into a morning exerciser...I don't need to hear from you larks who just naturally pop out of bed without an alarm, because I'm so jealous of you that I could scream), please share how you do it.

Or come over & drag my sorry butt out of bed at 5 a.m. That would help, big time.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

Epiphanies and Moving On

I'm around, just haven't been able to write because I've mostly used up all my words by speaking too much during the day and have nothing left to share here.

It's been a difficult week with my Dad, for many reasons other than his illness. I had an epiphany Wednesday--just because someone has a deadly disease doesn't make them into a new person. There are reasons I haven't been part of my dad's life for years. Those didn't go away just because he got sick. We had The Talk on Sunday and it was healing, but it didn't really change things.

And just as I chose not to be sucked into the loathsome relationship he has with his wife for the past 6 years (my dad is her 7th husband, and that sin is a faint blush compared to the rest of the evil which is contained in her being), I do not have to be part of what is happening now. I am still who I am, too. And I will not compromise myself or my family just because he's leaving this earth soon.

A person dies the way they live. There's just no getting around that fact.

So. Wednesday was The Difficult Day. In addition to driving to St Louis & back for Sophie's follow up neurology appointment--which went great...her MRI from 6 weeks ago was normal, of course, and she has had a great summer with NO significant dizzy spells. The meds are working and she's not suffering any side effects--I also listened in on the meeting with Dad, his wife, my sister, and the attorney on the Will discussion. That's when most of the trouble started. It's all "thou shalt not blog about" stuff, but needless to say it pushed me over the edge and despite my best intentions, I completely drowned my misery Wednesday night in Mike's Hard Lemonade, Lucky Charms, & Chips Ahoy.

Thursday I moved on. I had my epiphanies, ate a carb free breakfast, and got back to doing what I do best--putting the unmentionables of my life in a nice little box and shoving them under the bed where they belong. Well, not really. I talked about them more with family & friends, but emotionally I was done being upset. Done done done. Really. I'm done.

Exercise has been The Suck this week. Yesterday I finally ran 3 miles, and they felt good despite the heat & humidity. My diet has been back to where it's supposed to be, and my weight has been staying stable for days between 153.2 and 154.2, even after the Wednesday disaster. I expect to get more exercise in next week and staying on plan, so hopefully can shed another pound or two in Week 3.

In other random news, I've got this niggling pull in my brain that I should write a book. It's been there for about a year, and I keep ignoring it. I have no idea how this would happen or who would even read what I have to say (other than the handful of you fabulous folks who read my blather here, but, you know, I think a publisher would want more than 50 people to buy a book). But the new movie Julie & Julia, which was a blog, then a book, & is now a movie, has brought back the desire again. I keep thinking of Farmer Hoggett from Babe, and how he knew that ideas that pull and niggle shouldn't be ignored. I don't know. Probably nothing will come of it. I just needed to dump it out here so maybe it will go away. Or I'll do something about it. One or the other.

Today, Saturday, is The Great Endeavor to Clean Sophie's Room. My goal all summer has been to get it cleaned before school starts. Sure enough, Wednesday is D- day and we are cleaning today. It's scary in there--no food under the bed or anything, but so many toys you literally can't walk except for in strategically cleared spots. Needless to say, we're purging a ton of stuff, whether she likes it or not.

Monday, August 03, 2009

1 week down, 7 to go, and some very bad news

I finished week 1 of the Crack the Fat Loss Code diet on Saturday. And I rocked it.

Sunday morning I weighed 153.2 -- 6 pounds lost.

I stuck to plan 95% of the time. I ran 3 times, walked once. Saturday's run was a solid 6 miles.

Can I tell you how great it feels to have the extra, extra layer of fat/water weight gone? My clothes are comfortable. Everything fits again, not loosely but my summer clothes aren't tight anymore. My running skirt doesn't pull across the front; it hangs straight again. Saturday night Mark & I went out to dinner & a movie for his birthday and I wore the blue dress I bought on St John, and it was a little big on me! (I ate well at dinner, no bread, no alcohol, no popcorn or treats at the movie.)

Yesterday was a difficult day (more on that in a minute) and I came face to face with why it's so easy to get off track. Because when life comes at you fast, if you take ONE BITE of the forbidden, it can unleash an avalanche of brain chemicals and emotions that snows you under until, before you even realize it, you've eaten more than one bite. And if you don't MAKE YOURSELF STOP after those first few bites or, in my case, after one piece of homemade mocha cake that your gourmet cook cousin-in-law only makes a few times a year for birthdays--you can get into trouble real fast.

I stopped. At a family pool party yesterday afternoon, I had a fried chicken breast (didn't eat skin but ate the cracklins), green beans, broccoli salad, and yes, a piece of amazing mocha cake. That was not on plan. I stopped at one piece, but after that ONE indiscretion, I wanted more. I wanted some cheesecake and rice crispy treats and chocolate kisses and coconut pie (and I don't even like coconut). This was a big family party--there were lots of desserts.

The avalanche started, but because I love how I feel being thinner--and because the memory of how yucky it feels to NOT be thinner is so close to me right now--I was able to stop this time. It's a scary line to walk. And maybe I have no business even getting my little toe next to that line. But I did, and I do. It's part of the beauty of this plan, actually. That you can "cheat" and still lose weight, IF you stick to the plan as it's written & don't make up new rules as you go along.

DH took two pieces of cake home--one for him, one for Luke--and I had one more bite before I stopped myself. Sure, I stopped partly because I didn't want Luke or Mark asking "where's my cake?" the next day, but I realized if I didn't make myself stop then, it might be too late.

And I'd be in the pit of carb despair again. I really don't want to go back there.

I was up 1 pound this morning, but it's OK. I expected a small gain.

Today is a carb down day. I'm having healthy Ezekial toast with turkey for lunch. Tomorrow is a baseline day & I get two carbs before 3 p.m., woot!

I can't say the hard part is over, just because week one's carb deplete is done (really, it's not that bad).

The hard part is anytime there's temptation around. The hard part is saying YES and allowing myself to live in the moment--which is OK TO DO ONCE IN A WHILE--and then going back to being true to what I want most, which is to not be a slave to food.
The very bad news and why Sunday was so difficult:
My dad has been diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). The day we left for St John, he saw a neurologist because his speech was slurred. After a lot of tests and a misdiagnosis of another neuromuscular disorder (which didn't respond to drug treatment so they know it's not that disease), the doctors have told him it's ALS.

I knew this over a week ago, but it wasn't real yet. He needs a 2nd opinion, we all told ourselves. It's not really ALS until a second doctor tells us it is. I lived in a little imaginary world for a while, and filed the problem away behind all the other crud I've been dealing with in life lately.

Then my sister called me Sunday morning, saying she'd waited two days so we could enjoy Mark's birthday. She'd been crying for two days straight because dad couldn't eat on Friday and he could barely talk. He was having trouble breathing. He said he didn't want any extraordinary measures, including a feeding tube. From the way my sister described what she saw on Friday, I thought he may only have a few weeks left to live.

She & I went to see dad yesterday. It was a good day for him. Friday was a very, very bad day. I could understand him yesterday, even though his speech is unbelievably slurred. He was eating soup when I got there, and was drinking coffee. He's surprisingly not bitter or angry about the situation. He said he's thankful it's not a disease that's taking his mind from him and that he has time to say his goodbye's.

My dad & I haven't had much of a relationship for years, mostly because of his 2nd wife but for other reasons too that I won't go into today. But something like this tears down walls and opens up hardened hearts, and dad and I had The Talk we needed to have. He struggles to breathe when he cries, so it was very difficult for both of us. We needed it though.

The other advisor in our office has worked with the ALS Foundation for years. He gave me a name & number of someone to call to get them some help. The neuro. basically said "you've got ALS and I've got no tricks for you in my bag." Nice. Tricks we don't need. Advice and compassion and next steps would be helpful though. The ALS Foundation is hopefully where we'll find all that and more.

I have no idea how advanced it is. My sister and his wife said they can look back on the past few years and see that some signs were there before. Things like muttered speech and a weak leg, that they contributed to his stroke from 4 years ago and his knee surgery. It's possible it was ALS though.

He wants to stay home, doesn't want a hospital. That may change when he can't walk or feed himself. His wife is very obese and has diabetes and couldn't lift him at all. He's deteriorated quickly in the past 6 weeks, from mere slurred speech to struggling to swallow. I just pray we find the help we need to keep him as comfortable as possible at the Foundation.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Roasting & Losing

This week has gone pretty well. With the exception of yesterday I've felt great all week. I started TTOM on Wednesday & I guess I had delayed PMS because I felt horribly down yesterday. & I was an awful mother last night--tired, impatient, yelled at the kids when they wouldn't go to bed after I'd told them to three times. (My yelling made Sophie cry, and I had a delay in feeling bad about making her cry, which made things worse; it only took about 5 minutes for me to get my head on straight, then I felt just awful about it. Thank God she has a forgiving heart. But, yeah, I need to stop the yelling. Bad, bad, bad.)

Anyway, I've run twice & walked once this week. My walking friend has started jogging for 1 minute intervals during her walks, and she made the mistake of telling me this on our walk Wednesday night. We of course threw in a few running laps, which was freaking awesome! I told her she's in trouble--I'm going to have her running 5ks with me before she knows it.

Food has been spot on plan for week 1 of the Crack diet, which is the difficult carb deplete week. Once you get the hang of it, it truly is not that difficult. I was woosy on the 3rd day, when I ran 3 miles that afternoon, because, um, DUH, I had zero glycogen stores left in my muscles & I was trying to run in humid 80ish temps.

But I felt fine on day 4. And yesterday when I was in the pit of PMS despair and wanted to eat my way through the craziness of the kids and traffic and LIFE--I didn't. I just didn't. I went home and ate a turkey burger and roasted broccoli.

Which brings me to the title of today's post. I have discovered that roasted green veggies are without a doubt the best thing since sliced bread (which I can't have right now anyway, haha). I've been roasting my fresh green beans for a while, using olive oil & this spice I found in St John (I have to order more--I can't believe how amazing the Cruz Bay Grill Rub is--St John Spice). I know green beans aren't on the list of approved veggies for carb deplete week, but I looked up the carb content & they aren't any worse than broccoli.

And OH MY! Roasted broccoli is to die for. Diet Girl had posted a recipe for roasted broccoli ages ago, which I printed but never have made (I will be soon, very very soon). I made it last night with the Cruz Bay rub, and it was like candy. Seriously. Green veggie candy.

Please, no one tell me that roasting vegetables is bad for you. I don't think I can go back to microwaving again. BTW, I have a large toaster oven & that's where I'm roasting, not the big oven that takes forever to preheat & uses a ton of energy.

I think next I'm going to try roasted squash, zuch, & tomatoes (I have previously roasted grape tomatoes using a recipe from Roni, and they are amazing).

I know I'm late to this party, so tell me...what do you roast that you'll never microwave again?

Today is Mark's birthday, and I did not have even a teeny tiny crumb of his birthday cake this morning. And I won't have any pizza tonight either. I will have dinner with him tomorrow night, & that might be tricky. I'm just going to make the best choices I can & start week 2 on Sunday.

I hit 155.2 Wednesday, was 155.4 yesterday, and am 155.2 today. That's 4 pounds down since I started Sunday. I can wear a dress today that I couldn't when I was pushing 160, and it's not tight at all. So it's working.

I can't wait to get to 145. I felt absolutely amazing at 146 last October. I remind myself of that feeling when I struggle or have the don't wannas. It's only 10 more pounds to lose. I know I can get there.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Diet & Exercise

Hey! You know what? This is supposed to be a diet & exercise blog, not a "Woe is me my life is falling apart" blog. There's been a lot of that lately, & not enough diet & exercise chatter.

So how about some good news on the diet & exercise front for a change....

Sunday morning I had just HAD IT UP TO HERE with my binging, out of control self. I think the weekend before had been so traumatic, & the days following felt so amazing with their normality, that by this weekend I had so much energy that I was thrilled beyond thrilled (& I'm also aware that starting on wellbutrin provides a burst of energy, but I don't care where it came was a gift, I accepted it with gratitude).

I had been toying with the idea of going back to the Original Crack the Fat Loss Code plan, that both Helen & Vickie are following. I know it like the back of my hand, it's simple & straight forward (once you get the hang of it), & it works like nothing else. The 2nd version of the diet is, frankly, pretty complicated after week 2 & I just wasn't up for learning something new.

So Sunday morning I began a-Crack-a-lackin' again. I did great with food all day. I even ran 3 solid miles last night, in 34:44 (avg. around 11:30/mile). And those 3 miles felt amazingly strong after my past few runs where I cried half the time. I felt a little woozy a few times during the day from no carbs, but I just ate some protein & that went away.

I lost 2 pounds this morning. 157.2

Water weight has to be lost one way or another. I'll take quick water weight loss any day.

Today is going well so far on the food front. No reason to think I'll get off plan. We even have a dinner with prospects tonight, but I am ordering blackened salmon, asparagus, & the salad bar (will be very picky about what I put on my salad).

I'm feeling fairly stable emotionally, although I have felt anxious a few times the past couple days. 1/2 a xanax usually takes care of it though.

Better living through chemicals.... and no carbs for a week.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Better, but with work to do

The past two days have been remarkably better. I'm out of the darkness, and so far feel fairly stable. I haven't cycled back down & I'm definitely nowhere near topping out. I guess I'd say I feel normal and even right now.

It would be lovely if that feeling stuck around for a while.

I got the kids back last night & OH HOW I MISSED THEM. I missed them more than I did when I was in St John for over a week (of course, how do you miss anyone when you're in paradise? you don't, you're in paradise). My mom brought them to Sophie's swim lessons, and she was there 30 minutes before class started (which interrupted the time I thought I would have to run on the treadmill, but that was OK by me). It was bliss, holding them both.

After swim we went home, had dinner, and I put all their stuff away from their overnight at grandma's. Usually I let things pile up in the dining room & get to putting it away whenever. But I had gotten the house clean on Tuesday and I decided I'd try to stay ahead of the mess instead of getting behind it, which is what usually happens. It was nice to leave the house this morning with things picked up instead of in a shambles.

My food & exercise is still meh. I walked 2 miles with my girlfriend last night, as is usual on swim lesson nights. I ate well all day but before bed I had some (okay, 5) oreos. I love me some oreos. I know they shouldn't be in my house, but I'm not ready to let them go yet.

So I'm working on little things. Like getting to work at a normal hour (8 or 8:30 instead of 10 or 10:30). And keeping the dishwasher unloaded. And making our bed. And keeping my bathroom clean. And not letting laundry pile up (that's a never ending battle).

And maybe, just maybe, if I can get the normal things in life to go well, I can find the energy to once again make my body a little smaller. 159 on the scale isn't the end of the world, but it's about 7 pounds more than I'm comfortable with.

I'll get there. Soon.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Hello darkness, my old enemy

I had a difficult weekend.

The new antidepressant didn't work out for me, but I didn't realize I was suffering side affects until Monday. Friday I felt sad, more depressed than normal, but it was similar to my mid-cycle/PMS feelings, so I dismissed it as such.

Saturday was a low key day anyway, so my lying around reading pretty much all day wasn't a big deal. I actually managed to run/walk 5 miles, but they were the worst 5 miles of my life. I walked about half, crying a lot of the time because of the horrible thoughts going through my head (what's wrong with me? how do I live my life like this? why can't I be normal? my kids and husband deserve better than this. I'm just so useless when I'm like this. will it ever get better?). I truly thought I was losing it on those 5 miles. But I kept it to myself when I got home, telling Mark when he asked how my run was that it was just OK, not great.

Sunday I could barely make myself get out of bed. We were ushers at church so we had to go, but I stayed in bed until the very last minute & then I was very down and rather disconnected at church. That afternoon we had a cookout/pool party at Mark's cousin's house, so I was focused on the kids, but I had very little energy. And I drank three bottles of Mike's hard lemonade (an alcoholic non-beer drink), which is rare for me. I was starting to figure out something was wrong.

Monday morning I slept very late, had to take the kids to day care before I got ready for work so they were there on time. I got home after dropping them off & collapsed into bed. It just seemed too much to do my makeup and hair and get dressed. But I made myself, moving slowly & feeling like I was dragging my arms & legs through thick mud.

When I got to work, 2 hours later than usual, I told Mark something wasn't right with me. Then I started crying. Then I just felt numb. So numb that someone could have told me my mom had died & I'd have likely felt nothing. I was in trouble.

Mark told me to call my mom & have her pick up the kids and keep them for a few days. He wasn't in any position because of work and school obligations to care for them with me totally out of commission. Thank God for my mom. She picked them up & they were happy to see her & stay at her house. Thank God they didn't have to see me go through what I went through.

I've been very, very depressed a couple times in my life, with that moving-through-mud feeling oppressing my every movement. But it was before I had kids and it was before I was on antidepressants that worked.

I'd never felt that completely numb sensation--an emotional flattening, my psychiatrist called it. So I knew it wasn't me. It was the medication, pristiq, that brought on the darkness.

I went home Monday late afternoon and took a xanax, drank some Mike's, and went to bed. I woke up at 11 p.m. and took another xanax and went back to bed.

Thankfully the psychiatrist was able to see me Tuesday morning. I didn't take a pristiq when I woke up. I didn't shower, either, putting on a cap, shorts & a long t-shirt. No makeup. I brushed my teeth, but that was it. I didn't feel hopeless and numb anymore, though. 24 hours away from the pristiq did make a difference.

The doctor was surprised it only took two weeks for the pristiq to affect me the way it did, but she has seen this reaction before with some antidepressants. I asked about going off medication completely, and she thought that was a bad idea. Getting ahead of the depression is what we need to do, she said, not let it overwhelm me and then have a hard time getting me back.

We decided to go back on Wellbutrin 150 mg, and she is going to monitor my feelings/ups & downs, and add medication to stabilize my mood if needed. She knows SAD is an issue for me, & we are already talking about how we are going to treat that in October (I have a light--I just need to use it).

I felt so good after the appointment that I went home & did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and vacuumed the floors. I haven't cleaned in weeks. I guess feeling normal felt so much better than how I'd been feeling the 4 days before, that it seemed like I'd been granted superhuman strength. I did make it to work that afternoon, and obviously my husband was tremendously relieved I wasn't going to be out of commission for days or weeks, which is what we were both afraid of.

Mom still has the kids. I get them back tonight. I miss them. I'm glad they have a safe haven to go when I'm off the rails.

Needless to say, I self medicated all weekend with food. I had no energy to "be good" and I gained back everything I'd lost the 2 weeks before.

So it's time to start again. Again. Hopefully I'm rid of the darkness now and I'll have energy to devote to getting healthy, both mentally and physically.