Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Desperate Times

It hit me hard this weekend that I was on a slippery slope, sliding out of control toward being obese again. It also hit me hard that there is no way I can correct my course without help.

I've been here before, in this place where I keep telling myself "tomorrow I'll start eating right" or "what is wrong with me? why'd I put that food in my mouth?" And the way I fixed it, at last, was through L.A. Weight Loss, where I met with someone three times a week and followed a prescribed portion plan.

Unfortunately they went out of business in our town in 2008--before I finished my one year contract with them, by the way.

So yesterday I called a local hospital's weight management center. It's a bariatric surgery center, but they have a non-surgical program that is medically supervised and has weekly meetings. I'm going on Tuesday at noon to an informational meeting, and then the weekly meetings will start for me on Wednesday of the next week (I have to have a medical review with a nurse before I can start the meetings).

I guess it's a little nuts to start a weight loss program right before the holidays, but honestly I just can't take this anymore. I could easily gain 10 more pounds by the end of the year--or, hell, it could 20 pounds at the rate I'm going--and I'm not willing to put myself in the "obese" category again.

It's hard enough feeling like I do now. I can't even fathom what 170 or 180 pounds would feel like again.

And I don't ever, ever want to find out.

Thankfully I'm self aware enough (& desperate enough) that I know I can't do this by myself. I need accountability, I need a financial investment, and I need an official plan. So I'm hopeful that the hospital program will be the ticket.

It may be a desperate measure, but that's what I need right now.


Vickie said...

Good for you in taking action and finding help.

did you ever talk to your psychiatrist when all this hit the fan? You might have said - but I can't remember.

are you still using your sad light?

are you eating breakfast and drinking water and trying for some type of a regular sleep schedule? those are three big areas to help yourself.

I will be very interested in finding out what your new program has to offer - sounds interesting.

have you considered that you might need a therapist to help you through this time in your life (with your dad)? Maybe you have said that too - and I just am not remembering.

it did occut to me the other day - that not only are you having to make time for his HIGH NEED - but you are literally having to make time for HIM - because he wasn't (really) built into your family's life before this current crisis. So that really is a big adjustment - to have all the emotional part and the past history part and also just plain have to add a 'new' person into the mix.

I think of you every day and wish you empowerment and peace of mind.

Heather said...

I know what you mean - I feel like that some days too and really miss LAWL. but it sounds like you are taking steps in the right direction and shows that you are active in this and aware of yourself and that alone will stop you from going down that slippery slope.

Annimal said...

I tried the medical weight loss clinic in my town last April. (I've ruled out bariatric surgery) Went through all the blood work, metabolic tests, etc.
I was put on 2 hunger control meds, phentermine and (don't remember). I took them religiously, kept a food diary, kept up my exercise, but only lost 8 pounds in 8 weeks. SO, my dose was upped.
I realized one day that I was joyless. I was just sad all the time. I had thoughts of death. I wasn't ever hungry, (I wasn't feeling anything)but it didn't seem to make a difference on the scale.
I cancelled my last appointment and threw the drugs away. My mind cleared within 3 days.
I hope your experience is better. Maybe your obesity "expert" has better answers. Just be careful. If all they can do is come at you with a prescription pad, walk away.

Vickie said...

I totally understand about wrong meds and wrong meds playing with your mind. been there, done that.

And totally agree that sometimes you just have to get off of them.

But as I read, I wondered if it was the meds that were the trouble or trying to INCREASE the meds that was the trouble.

I have never been a fast loser a half pound to a full pound a week is normal for me. 52 pounds a year is something that I would be very pleased with (like I said - totally understand about having to get off wrong meds).

debby said...

A hospital based weight loss program does not sound desperate at all! All the research shows that we need some kind of accountability/encouragement to lose weight. That's just how we're made. Probably part of that 'living in community' thing that God implanted in us!

It will at least provide you with a tiny bit of ME time.

Jill said...

Sister, this is exactly why I STILL go see the Nurse Nazi every week (well every week except the last 3). We all need help honey, that's one of the reasons we are bloggers! Even if you feel desperate, at least you are taking steps to get help. You are still awesome and still one of my favorite people on the planet - so hang in there, cause I don't want to do this weight loss thing by myself! :)

Mama said...

Hope this program helps you and that life settles down again soon! Thinking of you...

MCM Mama

Cindy...154 said...

I am glad I read this post. I was thinking of microwave popcorn and now I am not. I feel exactly like you. I want to nip this before it turns into more. I have had three good days and it feels easier to resist but a little stress at the end of the work day had me thinking of food.. We did this and we can do it again, and keep on doing it. Glad you are posting. Thanks!!

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Vickie said...

good luck with your appointment tomorrow!

Vickie said...

I thought about you all day yesterday and hoped that you actually had an okay day and got to GO to your appointment. I am all ears when you have a minute.