Graduation day and beginning of summer (149.6)

Sophie's promotion ceremony was yesterday. It's hard for me to grasp
she is now a 6th grader.

Her birthday is Saturday. She will be 12.

Last day of school is today. I'm taking a few days off to be with the
kids. All of us are ready for a break.

They have a busy summer planned, but for the first time they are not
doing a camp every week. My mom is keeping them for about 6 weeks
(mixed up between camps). I'm working 4 days the weeks she has them so
I can have them one day a week, which breaks up the days with grandma.

Here's Sophie yesterday before school.

Cooking debacle (151.6)

(I don't know why I'm up a pound.  I had a great food day yesterday.  Probably pre-period weight.  Who knows.)

If there were ever a night for me to lose my sh!t, it was last night.

Before I picked up the kids at school, I went to the store and bought fruits, veggies, and meat. 

When I got home, the first thing I did was go light the grill.  Only the grill was totally and utterly broken.  My husband had told me the last time he grilled that it was shot.  It's been "shot" for a while, but we've been limping along with it.  Well, what he meant to communicate to me was "it's deader than a doornail."  The middle burner was completely rusted to the point it had collapsed.  No more grill.

Here I was with two pounds of chicken and two pounds of ground sirloin. I decided to dry saute the chicken after cutting it up into bite sized bits. 

I wasn't sure what to do with the sirloin; I don't like pan fried sirloin.  So it's still in the fridge, for me to figure out tonight.

I decided to use the wok and cook the veggies first.  I put the wok on the stove to heat it up.  I bought pre-cut squash and a package of snow peas, and I peeled & sliced a few carrots.  I put the carrots in first. The second I started tossing them, they were coated in black flecks.  The wok was toast.  You don't cook with a pan once the teflon starts breaking loose.

This had happened to my big cooking pan a few months ago.  I haven't replaced it yet, and have been using my small saute pan for pan cooking. 

I took the wok off the heat, poured the carrots into a strainer and rinsed the black flecks off.  Then I started crying. 

I hate to cook.  I don't cook enough.  Here I was, determined to cook a healthy dinner, and I was getting hammered on. 

My son asked if I was ok.  I said yeah, I'm just having problems with the grill and the wok and I'm frustrated and sad.  He asked if he could give me a hug.  He's such a sweet little boy, and very intuitive of other people's feelings.  His hug helped.

I turned on the oven, put the veggies in a baking dish, tossed them with garlic and salt & pepper.  When the oven was hot, I put the veggies in to roast them.

Then I got out my small saute pan, cut up the chicken, and cooked.  I cooked it one breast at a time (4 total--full butterfly breasts), and it didn't taste as good as it would have grilled, but it was passable. 

I made Sophie a salad with strawberries and chicken.

I gave Luke grapes, broccoli, and chicken nuggets. The grapes cost $4.50 for one pound.  He said they were all sour.  One more stupid problem! So he got strawberries instead; at least they tasted good.

Grapes are stupidly expensive, but they are one of two fruits that Luke can eat, so I buy them every couple of weeks. 

I finally sat down to dinner myself, after an hour of this debacle.  Then I spent another hour cleaning the kitchen--in addition to washing everything up and loading the dishwasher, I put away all the clutter that had accumulated in the hot spots (clutter landing spaces).  I swept the floor.  I was beat.

Sitting down to eat is something I'm working on.  My sponsor told me that I am worth the time it takes to sit and eat a meal.  In the past, I'd have taken bites between cleaning. I hate to eat while the kitchen is a mess.  Last night I let my OCD go and sat to eat.

I listened to my book on my playaway while I was cleaning, which helped distract me.  I get playaways from the library.  They are MP3 players the size of a credit card.  I'm listening to the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series; I'm on book 2.

Then I went and sat outside on the deck for 30 minutes and listened to my book.  I took my sleep med, had the kids get ready for bed, tucked them in, and went to bed. 

No eating to drown out my feelings.

I woke up early this morning and read an OA book.  I got the kids' breakfast and lunch ready before they got up.  I was much more relaxed because I wasn't in a rush to get their lunches packed in time for the bus. 

I'm not as angry today.  I am still covered in fear, which is where all my negative emotions come from.  I have a lot I'm worried about--stuff I don't need to get into here--and I keep trying to give it away but the feelings won't leave me.  I talk with my therapist Wednesday. 

Choir is over for the summer, so I have Thursday's free.  Tonight I'm going to a second OA meeting this week.  I need it.

Don't drive angry (150.6)

One of my favorite movies is Groundhog Day.  Remember the scene when Phil is driving with the groundhog on his lap, telling him "don't drive angry."   I love that scene.  It makes me laugh every time I see it.

I haven't been laughing lately, though. I have been angry.  Irrationally angry and irritable. Angry at little things and big things.  Angry almost all of the time. 

I may be anxious and depressed frequently, but consistent anger has not been an issue for me in the past.

After 3 or 4 days of this, I finally decided to research wellbutrin and anger.  Turns out anger has been a side affect for many people.  I'm not alone in feeling this way.

Wellbutrin has never caused this problem for me before.  I'm rather in a quandary.  I won't take an SSRI because of the proven (both scientifically and by my personal experience) weight gain side effect.  Wellbutrin is the only anti depressant that doesn't cause weight gain. 

I've been researching other treatments for depression.  It's the usual blah blah blah.  Get more sleep.  Exercise regularly.  Do yoga.  Meditate.  Eliminate stress.  Eat right.

Nothing new. I know all this already.

What I did find that was new is the relationship between inflammation and depression.  There's a lot of mumbo jumbo science behind the link between the two.  The take away is to reduce inflammation and you could possibly reduce your depression.

You reduce inflammation by not eating foods that cause inflammation--which just happen to be all the crap foods I shouldn't eat anyway.  Processed foods, wheat, milk, sugar. 

I haven't completely eliminated any of those.  My diet is much cleaner that it was last year, but I still eat processed foods every day.  I'm not clean "enough."

So there are all these healthy things I need to do, which I know will help.  It's more difficult to do, though, when I'm depressed, anxious, walking through mud, & angry all the time. There's the rub.

I'm not walking through mud today, or yesterday, but I still have the pent up anger feeling.  I haven't decided if I should wait it out--have only been back on it for seven days--or stop it again.  The anger and anxiety is very upsetting.

I obviously shouldn't make that decision on my own. I know I need to go see my nurse practitioner who prescribes my meds. But honestly, I don't know what she can do. I've researched all the meds and nothing looks like it is the right fit. There are even studies now that suggest anti depressants work no better than placebos. I'm not sure I believe that, because I have been helped by them in the past. Presently, however, they aren't completely helping, and may be making things worse.

Night eating--circadian rythm (150.8)

I read last week that researchers confirmed our circadian cycles affect our hunger.

Here is a link:
Study explains what triggers night-time food cravings

Bottom line:
The researchers found that the internal circadian system regulated hunger, with participants feeling the least hungry in the morning (8 a.m.) and most hungry in the evening (8 p.m.).


“Our study suggests that because of the internal circadian regulation of appetite, we have a natural tendency to skip breakfast in favor of larger meals in the evening. This pattern of food intake across the day is exactly what Sumo wrestlers do to gain weight.” said Steven Shea. “So, it seems likely that the internal circadian system helps with efficient food storage. While this may have been valuable throughout evolution, nowadays it is likely to contribute to the national epidemic of obesity.“
Here's another study: Circadian clock linked to obesity, diabetes, heart disease   This is a study on mice, which have similar molecular structures to ours.  Their cycles are a mirror image of ours--they are active at night, while we are inactive at night.    Bottom line: "Mouse tissues are relatively resistant to insulin [convert food to fat] during the inactive/fasting phase [our night time cycle].   "Whereas they become more sensitive to insulin (therefore better able to transfer glucose out of the blood [and NOT convert it to fat]) during the high activity/feeding phase [our day time ] of their 24-hour cycle.

"As a result, glucose is converted primarily into fat during the inactive phase and used for energy and to other tissue building during the high activity phase."

“That is why it is good to fast every day…not eat anything between dinner and breakfast,” said Johnson [one of the researchers].   The take away?  I'm wired to eat at night.  I have to fight evolution to eat breakfast early and not eat the house down after 8 pm.     Of course we have practical, real life experience of the results of eating at night, although I have read health/fitness articles in the past that say it doesn't matter when you eat--a calorie is a calorie is a calorie.... calories in/calories out.  But that's simply not true, as evidenced by our experience and now by scientific research.     I guess it's helpful to understand the WHY's of my behavior.  But it's still a fight to change.  Thanks a bunch, evolution.

Depression settling in again--? (151.0)

I still have a pound or so of travel weight to shed.  I didn't overeat, but we ate at weird hours and I had foods I don't eat at home, with more sodium than normal.  Not worried about it.  Just noting it.

I had some anxiety in  Colorado that I think could be altitude related.  I had a major anxiety attack last summer, when we were there for a week.  It was mostly due to the increased dose of lamictal, I think, but I noticed the same type of anxiety (but milder) on day 2 of our trip. 

Travel went perfectly smoothly--no airline or driving issues. We flew direct from Indy to Denver (drove to Indy, about 3 hours).  I was relaxed about traveling because I'd allowed plenty of time. Kids traveled well.  I love flying.  We had our TomTom so no directions issues in the car when we left the airport. 

So I don't the anxiety was situational.  I think the altitude was the issue.

Monday was a full travel day, about 11 hours from leaving BIL's house to getting home. 

Yesterday I let the kids stay home from school again.  They were beat.  I went in to work at 1:30 and Mark came home to stay with them.  I started feeling some "afters" yesterday.  I thought it was just that--afters.  But today I am listless, anxious, and starting to feel like I'm walking through mud again.

I started tapering off Wellbutrin on 3/7/13.  I was fully off by 4/2.  My intention was to get off of it, because I'd been on it long enough that it was no longer effective, then get back on in the late summer or early fall.  I assumed I'd be okay for most of the summer.  When I've tapered off before, it was a few months before I got back on.

Today, I feel like I am probably going to go back on it sooner than later.

I could be feeling like this because of lingering after affects of travel.  Or it could be hormones. I'm smack dab in the middle of my cycle.  I looked back over my cycle/moods notes that I keep in notepad on my phone--right before my period and about 7-10 days after my period, I'm moodier than usual.  It's 16 days after my last period.  So, not sure if this is hormones or not.

It feels like depression starting again. 

I will wait a day or so to see if it lightens.  If not, I'll probably start wellbutrin again.

Which is fine, I'm not opposed to taking medicine.  I just expected the "off" cycle to be longer than this (expectation based on how this went the last time I cycled off/on).  And I'm not okay with having more than more than 2-3 days of walking through mud.

Eating ice cream on Pearl Street in Boulder

I didn't eat any, of course.

View from front yard

Colorado snow

This is the backyard of my BIL's house.

Colorado bound

Here we are, waiting at the Indy airport for our flight to Colorado.
Nephew's wedding in Boulder is tomorrow. We fly home Monday afternoon.

It's going to be chilly so we have coats packed. Smooth travels
getting to the airport. Right on time. Very little stress today
because I allowed lots of time. Was up until midnight packing, wasn't
able to start until 7 last night. It's a lot of work packing for kids
and me, even though it's only 4 days.

Thankfully I have one trip (Florida in February) under my belt being
abstinent. Colorado will be easy. They are the healthiest people in
the country.

Be back next week. Have a great weekend all!

Adolescent thinking; feeling better; night time eating link (150.0)

There are days when I can't believe I'm a grown up, with all the responsibilities that come with it--mortgage, house, wife, kids, career, financial obligations, and all the trappings of modern life.

I don't know why, at age 43, I often feel like I'm still a kid inside.  I suspect it has to do with childhood emotional trauma and getting stuck in "little girl" thinking (Vickie had a recent post on little girl thinking, which is where I got that term from). 

I also suspect that it comes from my need to be taken care of.  While I'm hard headed and a control freak and independent and usually feel like I know what's best for myself and those in my life, I have a flip side that just wants to let go and let someone else take care of everything.

My vacation in St John in 2009 was ridiculously enjoyable because I had absolutely no responsibility.  Our friend Max did all the planning, so I just showed up with my packed bags and let him take the reigns.  I didn't drive once in St John.  I didn't have to cook, other than helping out where I was instructed to (we had a great cook in our group).  I didn't plan our excursions.  I had no kids to look after.  It was nirvana.

So why does a control freak like me secretly have a desire to be controlled and taken care of? 

It all seems really deep and worthy of years of therapy, doesn't it?

I just finished reading the Fifty Shades trilogy.  Yes, there's a ton of risque sex in it.  But I enjoyed it for the relationship and the development of both characters--there's more to it than sex.  It's pure escape reading, but it does raise questions about a man taking care of a woman (and I don't mean sexually) the way men used to take care of women.  That spoke to me on a primitive level that, in the light of day, I would feel ashamed to claim as something I desire.  But in my private thoughts, I think it would be incredible to have someone make decisions for me and take over the responsibility of my life. 

Ok, so I'm not quite so damaged that I live in this fantasy world. I'm not looking for a Christian Grey-type man.  I'm happily married, I love my kids, I like my life.  I'm blessed beyond measure.

I would still like a measure of letting go and letting someone else take over. 

In thinking through all this, I do believe this goes back to my adolescent years, when I felt like my parents didn't take care of my needs. 

When they didn't protect me but instead let me have an 18 year old boyfriend when I was 12.

When they left me home alone with my little sister during the summers in middle school. 

When I worked very hard in school without their help. 

When I was a senior in high school and realized my parents had no money to pay for college (thankfully I received a full ride 4-year scholarship, so that was taken care of, but I didn't know that was going to happen until I was close to graduation, and it happened because *I* made it happen, not them).   

When they let my boyfriend move in with us when I was 22, because he came from a broken home with a father who had molested my boyfriend's sister. 

When I felt like they were too wrapped up in their own drama to care for mine. 

When I felt like they should know better how to make decisions for me, and not let me make decisions on my own, even when I was 22. 

• I understand now that my parents were immature and emotionally stunted themselves.  They likely had no more ability to make the right decisions than I did. I think I'm beyond blaming or being angry with them now, but it's taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to get to that point.

I was forced to be independent and care for myself, the best way I knew how, at a young age.  I couldn't believe it then, on a subconscious level, that I had to do these things myself.  I often felt bereft and alone, without the care I craved. 

The responsibilities I have now are hard for me grasp, even as an adult.  My husband and I are extremely close and very good at communicating, yet I sometimes feel like I manage my life alone and have the bulk of the responsibility.  (You should know that he has the sole responsiblity of earning our income, which is sales and fee based, so he has a huge share of the burden--it's not JUST me.)

Not being alone is one of the keys to the success of the OA program. At least in my food life, I am no longer alone.

My appointment with my therapist is May 22 (that was the soonest she could get me in; she's out the week of 5/13).  Add all this to the list of things to talk with her about.

****

I had a good talk with my sponsor yesterday.  We worked through my issues.  Just talking with her got me focused on cleaning up my food, cleaning up the way I take care of myself.  I ate three good meals yesterday.  I ran 3 miles (running is still hard--my heart and lungs are not conditioned--but I ran sprint intervals, and my sprints were in the 9:45-10:30 range for .1 miles at a time, so with more training I'm going to be rocking the speed and distance).  I sat down and ate dinner at the kitchen bar, instead of standing up or eating it on the couch.  I didn't eat at night (see below for more on that). I went to sleep at 10:30.  One good day under my belt.  One good day at a time. I feel much better and more positive today.

***

I read an article that Frances posted on Facebook about night time eating.  Researchers did a study on it.  Very interesting read.  Turns out we are programmed to eat at night.  Our hunger is at its lowest at 8 am and at its highest at 8 pm.  Egads!  As if we overweight people don't have enough to deal with to lose weight; we are absolutely fighting evolution when it comes to night eating.  Night time eating

Old issues resurfacing (150.4)

I think it's time for me to go see my therapist again.

This past week has been difficult.  I'm beating myself up for not exercising enough and not eating "perfectly."  I have more and more days where I'm not satisified with my weight or the way I look.  I'm getting trapped in the loop of "if only I'd lose another 10 (or 20) pounds, I'd be where I want to be." I'm upset that I'm two pounds heavier than my low weight this year.  Two pounds! And I feel like a failure.

Food thoughts are taking up too much space in my brain.  Cravings for things I can't eat.  Eating foods that are borderline not okay--Zone bars and Luna bars are my "treat" and I'm eating too many of them, especially when I'm hormonal (like this weekend). 

I know that eating processed foods are causing this, too--it's not just mental sabotage.  It's food addiction.

I feel like I'm on the edge of a precipice, like I could go over if don't reverse course now. 

It's old thinking, creeping back in.  My thoughts are moving in the old patterns, trying to fix the food instead of working on my insides and the WHY's of what I'm doing.  Fix the food, as in....I will only drink smoothies today, and that will get me back on track.  I won't eat anything after 6 pm today.  I'll get back on track on Monday.  Of course, this strategy fails every time.

This is not where I want to be.  I am stuck in a loop.

The body image thing is coming up because of my inner turmoil, I think.  Friday was our office open house, and I wore a new outfit I bought the week before.  Size small top and size 8 pants.  I felt good about how I looked in the morning,  but I saw myself reflected in a window in the office and thought, geez I need to lose 10 more pounds, and then I didn't feel so great about myself the rest of the day. 

A big part of me is happy about how I look.  25 pounds lost since last September, and I'm not miserable by any means.  I can wear everything in my closet.  Clothes shopping isn't a chore; it's fun. I don't feel like a total failure. 

It's just that the "not good enough" thoughts are bigger than the "I'm okay the way I am" thoughts.

Rationally, I know the size I am now (my dress pants are mostly size 10s, some 8s, dresses size 8s, tops size smalls/mediums) is a good size for my body.  Irrationally, I'm back to the thinking "I need to be a size 6 and THEN I'll be happy."

I'm stuck in the "if only's." The "if only's" are getting bigger.

I've been here before and recognize that it's a path to failure if I don't work on it. 

I have tools to deal with this, through my OA program.  But I think it's bigger than that and I need my therapist's help. 

I realize, of course, that to anyone who has a lot of weight to lose, I sound like an ass.  "I mean, really, 10 pounds?  You're upset about 10 pounds?  You're not happy being a size 8?  Oh you poor thing (not)." 

The thing is, I'm still a fat girl on the inside. The fat girl is insecure.  The fat girl doesn't trust the weight loss to stick. The fat girl on the inside is terrified that she'll turn the thin girl back into a fat girl on the outside...again.  The fat girl doesn't think she deserves to be thin.  Fat girl needs a lot of help.

Serenity Prayer - the full version (149.8)

Until a few months ago, I didn't realize there was more to the serenity prayer than the first few famous lines.  An OA member shared his story last night and also handed out copies of the prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr.  He had recited it by memory the first time I'd heard the whole thing.

Here it is:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
  not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
  if I surrender to His will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
  and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.

The "reasonably happy" line hit me in the gut. I'd had a rough afternoon, and was mentally lamenting all the sh*t in my life that was getting me down.  Having the conversation in my head, why can't I have "x" or why can't my life be "x."  

Then I read the reasonably happy line. 

Am I reasonably happy?  Of course I am.  And then some.  My problems are first world problems.

And of course, "hardships as the pathway to peace" isn't easy to swallow either.  I'd rather have a smooth pathway to peace.

Neither is "taking this sinful world as it is, and not as I would have it."  I have spent most of my life trying to control *my* world and making it into what *I* think is best. Letting go of my control issues and letting others live their lives is something I've worked on in therapy, and I'm getting better at it, but it's still a challenge.

After learning about the rest of this prayer, I think it's a shame that most of us only know the first small part.  Those first lines provide comfort; the rest of the prayer challenges us on a much deeper level.

Uncomfortable in growing-older skin (149.6)

My grandma is in the hospital and I visited her last night.  She has been in and out the past few weeks.  Had a pacemaker put in last week, then was back on Wednesday b/c of blood in her stool (she also has diverticulitis). 

She is 84 and has lived a hard life.  She and my grandpa had a farm, and she did all the work a farm wife has to do.  She worked in nursing homes in her 50-60s.  She is stubborn and did everything herself, and still does when she can, although that's gotten harder and harder.

When I was there last night, the nurse was changing her IV.  Her veins collapse after an IV is in for a while, and they have to keep finding new veins.  She hadn't eaten in a few days, and finally had dinner last night before I got there.  She threw up after they changed her IV; she said it was probably too much food on her stomach that had been empty for days.

She didn't have her dentures in.  She looked tired and frail.  She talked about going into a nursing home but said my aunt doesn't want her to yet.  My aunt and her family live with my grandma.  They moved into her house 15 or so years ago, so she's never alone.  My mom helps a lot too, taking her to appointments and to the hospital and staying with her.

Aside from noticing how frail she was, what got me was her skin.  It is thin and crepe-y.  Even her skin looks tired--which makes sense since it's the largest organ we have.  Her inside upper arms were especially striking to me; not only thin and crepe lined, but flappy.  I am not being judgemental, just explaining what I saw. 

As I was leaving, I had a little freak out.  *I* am going to be in my 80s someday (God willing). I will have skin like that.  I will likely have skin like that before I'm 80.

I love my skin.  I pamper it with skin care products and makeup and body lotions.  I'm blessed to have good genes and fair skin that hasn't been in the sun too much. I don't look my age.

Sometimes I don't have time for body lotion, and I don't put lotion everywhere (like my inner/upper arms).  This morning I put lotion on my upper arms.  And I couldn't help but think, is there a miracle product I can buy at Sephora that will stave off my skin aging too soon?

Aging is showing up more in my hands than anywhere else. "When did I start getting my grandmothers' hands?" I said to myself a year or so ago. My earliest memories of my grandmothers are in their 50s. And at age 6, I of course thought they were old then.

It's no wonder the beauty industry is a bazillion dollar business.  I am freaked by the idea of looking older. Not getting older.  Looking older. Obviously millions of other women are too.

My therapist once told me, when I first started seeing her and my primary complaint was the way I looked at 185 pounds, "you know, there will always be something you won't like about the way you look.  How will you deal with getting older?"  I don't really remember the solution she offered. I was so focused on getting the weight off and fixing my head about weight, I didn't bother processing how I'd think about myself as I got old. 

John Ortberg, the Pastor at Menlo Park Presbyterian church whose online sermons I listen to, once told the story of an old woman who was beautiful.  She was at that age where looks were superfluous, where her spirit shined through her face, and made the wrinkles beautiful.  I know many women who fit that description, especially at my church. 

That idea gives me a little peace, but it is the END result.  It's the journey getting there and the entropy on the journey there that gives me pause.

I don't know how my grandma felt about getting old.   I wonder if she gave it much thought; if having 5 kids and a daily life of intense work that didn't depend upon how she looked precluded a concern for the face in the mirror.  (As opposed to my life, where how I look plays a part in my business success).

I do know she's used her body to its fullest and she's ready to shed her mortal coil (sorry, English major here).  And I think she's ready for a shiny, healthy, brand new body in heaven. 

So I guess the take away from this is: 

Enjoy my youth and beauty for what it is NOW. Take care of myself NOW--body, mind, spirit (and skin). Accept that I will change. Learn to embrace my changing, aging face and body and love it for what it is.  Be thankful every stinking day for everything my body can DO. 

As I age, I hope I can see past the wrinkles and sags and crepes and spots...to the spirit-driven beauty within myself.

What a difference a year makes (149.4)

A year ago today we moved our financial advising practice and joined a group of advisors at Ameripr*se (don't want to hit a search engine, so the *). 

It has been challenging and rewarding.  It has changed our lives.  We have been successful and happy.  Mark said yesterday I am blossoming in my roll here and he can tell I am so much happier.  And I AM!

Our work environment was miserable for so long, and I basically shut down for quite a while.  Here, I am with a team, who are supportive, intelligent, kind, and generous. 

I love coming to work every day.  I love our beautiful new office building.  I love the girls and the other three advisors. 

We are blessed beyond measure.

***

I have been swamped.  Work is nuts, which isn't a bad thing.  We had a client meeting Tuesday night and a client dinner an hour out of town last night.  Both were great meetings, but it was a lot of extroversion and time away from home and the kids. 

My weight is staying steady.  I am fine with that, but I know it's not going to move until I start exercising and paying more attention to what I eat after 6 pm.  I tend to eat the bulk of my calories at night, which is (duh) obviously not the best way to do things.  It's okay, though.  I am a work in progress.

Busy April & pic of ear piercing (150.6)

April is crazy.  We have two client meetings out of town in the next two weeks, including today, and tonight we have a client dinner.  It's going to be a 12 hour day today.  The rest of the month is crazy with activities.

My knee is better.  I took the KT tape off Sunday and have only felt a slight twinge in my tendons a couple of times. 

I took a walk Saturday (with tape on).  Four miles in an hour.  I walked almost all of it, sprinkling in a bit of jogging in the first two miles.  Knee didn't hurt at all.  Didn't swell after. I'm still babying it, but it was such a beautiful day I couldn't help myself.

Sunday we had a birthday party to go to, and it was outside.  The trees bloomed here overnight on Saturday, and two hours outside was refreshing, but my allergies went into overdrive.  Luke & I are both highly allergic to trees.  The last couple of nights I've been miserable.  Yesterday my face hurt all day from sinus pressure (advil did little to relieve it). I started using Mark's astelin (antihistamine nose spray) yesterday, and it seems to be started to help.  I can breathe out my nose this morning. I also take zyrtec and use zaditor eye drops.  I just have to get through the next few weeks of blooming trees and then should be fine. 

Weight is up a bit because of mid-cycle hormones, and I think also because I'm not sleeping well.  Any time I'm sick, my weight seems to bounce up a pound or two.  I also am eating out twice today, and while I'll make good choices, I know I'll have more sodium than usual.  As long as I know the reasons, the uptick doesn't bother me. 

I got my 6 month chip last night at my OA meeting.  I can't believe it's already been 6 months. Meetings are like a bubble bath or a massage or a great yoga class--relaxing, energizing, and uplifting.

Here's my ear piercings.  I got the cartilage pierced Friday afternoon.  I love them and have gotten a lot of compliments.  In acupuncture, cartilage is centeredness; earlobe is happiness. 

Cartilage didn't hurt much, just felt like a shot.  The weirdest part was the "pop" sound.  I'm diligent about keeping them clean--no phone against my ear, no touching, wash hands before cleaning with ear solution I got at the jewelry store that did my earlobe.  The tattoo shop that did the cartilage also said to take zinc and vitamin C to boost my immune system.

OA quote, April 5

I have a little book of meditations from OA called For Today.

I love today's message:

"...the more total our surrender, the more fully realized our freedom from food obsession." --OA

"Surrender. Now there's a word that stops people cold. Everybody knows that losers surrender; winners keep on fighting.  That idea kept me battling my problem of food and fat until it brought me to my knees--and to OA's door.  Step one was easy when I finally understood that fighting the problem of compulsive overeating would never in this life relieve me of it.

Proof followed swiftly in the form of abstinence and weight loss with unprecedented peace of mind. In short, sanity. In surrendering I gained what years of struggle could not bring me.

For today: There isn't a single problem in my life, including food obsession, that would not be resolved in direct proportion to my ability to stop fighting it, turn it over to God and know that a solution will come."

(bold mine)

Roger Ebert quotes and Article on "Lean In, Stand Up" (148.4)

Roger Ebert passed away.

Click on the link if you enjoy quotes.  These made me tear up.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/13-things-roger-ebert-said-better-than-anybody-else


And read this for inspiration on living in the present.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kristin-van-ogtrop/lean-in-stand-up_b_2971009.html

Cutting out a little at a time. & watching fat intake (148.4) and Mumford & Sons

There's that 148 again!

First, the big news.  I'm going to see Mumford & Sons on June 17th!!!!!  I have never loved a band the way I love them.  Their lyrics are poetry. Their music is original, with a lot of different instruments. And Marcus Mumford's voice is perfection. When I found out they were touring the U.S. this summer, I told my husband that what I want more than anything in my life right now was to go see them in concert (yes, I'm being dramatic, but that's how passionate I am about them).

When they announced their tour (I am in their fan club, of course!), they emailed that they would have an invitation to buy tickets before they go on sale on April 5th, as a way to keep as many tickets as possible out of scalpers' hands.  I got invited, and on Tuesday I bought tickets.  They are choice seats--in the pit in front of the stage.  We are going with two other couples, who we went to St John with (they are easy to travel with) and we are great, long time friends. We got a VIP parking pass for $20 (did this with Pearl Jam in Indianapolis and it made a huge difference) and VIP passes for the concert.  The VIP passes allow us to get into the concert an hour early, access to a private bathroom and a private bar, and some other fun stuff.   The cost per ticket, with the VIP pass, was $86. 

It is in Bonner Springs, Kansas, so there is an 8 hour drive and we will stay the night at a hotel on Monday night, and we will miss two days of work.  But it is all worth it.  Sophie (and the other couples' kids) will be at church camp that week, and I'm having Luke spend the week with my mom for his away-from-home experience this summer (he's not ready for sleepover camp--going to the country with his grandparents is close enough to summer camp for him).  So it came at a perfect time of year, too.  It is a DREAM COME TRUE.  Seriously, I am still on cloud nine and cannot believe I get to see them live.

Okay, now onto food talk.

The other morning I added 2 Tbsp of peanut butter (natural, no sugar added) to my regular breakfast of oatmeal/berries/1 Tbsp chia seeds/2 Tbsp flax meal.  I was aiming to add more calories and protein to my breakfast so it would hold me longer. 

The combination of the PB with chia & flax was too much fat for my body to process.  I had my gallbladder taken out in 2002, and without it my body doesn't process excess fat well.  My GI tract reacts quickly, within about an hour, when I eat high fat foods.  Last Sunday's meal at the Japanese hibachi restaurant--which contained a crazy amount of butter esp. in the fried rice--was a perfect example.  It was not a pleasant afternoon.

After my PB oatmeal breakfast, I had the same reaction.  Not a pleasant morning.  I could do PB OR chia/flax, but not together.

I sometimes slip and forget about the high fat thing.  I don't over do it often, so it's not top of mind (just like when I forget to not eat cheese). For whatever reason I forget from one high fat meal to another.  Writing about it will help keep it top of mind.

A couple of days ago I started using only 1/2 Tbsp chia and 1 Tbsp flax meal.  The idea is to cut out some calories and fat, because as my weight gets lower, I don't need as many calories and eventually I will hit a plateau (too soon) if I keep my calories at levels I was eating when I was 25 pounds heavier. 

I think I'm going to start eating an egg before I leave home in the morning, to get the extra protein I need.  I don't have cholesterol problems.  I'm okay with eating real eggs, but I imagine I will need to mix it up with eggs and egg beaters every other day, just to be safe.  I know egg beaters has added ingredients, but I don't think I can do egg whites alone at this point.  I buy my eggs at our health food store, which gets them from a local chicken farm (is farm the right word?).

I was on quite a Starbucks latte kick for a couple of months.  I've talked about cutting down, but I hadn't.  It was a compulsion, which is not a good thing, obviously.  I am okay with liquid sugar in coffee; it doesn't trigger anything for me.  But cutting it out is, of course, a good thing and just cleans up my food even more.  The plan is one Starbucks a week. I have the Starbucks app on my phone (you can pay for your coffee and get a reward for every latte) and so I can track which days I buy a latte (it keeps a record of your purchases).

These are small calorie changes.  300-400 calories a day adds up. 

Slow weight loss (149.4)

Today marks 6 months of abstinence.  I lost 2.8 pounds in the past 30 days.

I started going to OA on 8/20/12 and weighed 175 pounds. I started eliminating sugar/fat/flour foods on 8/29/12.  I've lost about 26 pounds so far.  That's 3.7 pounds per month.  Very slow weight loss. Very doable weight loss. 

And it has been easy.  No stress, no worries about getting to a certain weight in a certain amount of time.  No goal weight.

It's been a gentle process, and the times when I felt like I wasn't making progress have been rare. It's been a very positive process.

This is quite different from how I've felt about losing weight in the past.  Before this program, more often than not I felt a lot of "not good enough" emotions.  I'm not perfect, and I've had slips, but I forgive myself and move on.  I don't have to be perfect.  I am good enough. 

I know I want to lose more, because I still have fat in places I don't want. I don't know where I will end up.  It's not my business.  I just have to show up, do the work, and stay abstinent.  One day at a time.

Easter family pic & sidewalk chalk

Easter Sunday

 Luke's Waddledee (from Kirby video game)

 Mark drew Bart Simpson

 Sophie drew Tweety Bird (she's getting really good.)

How I react to other people's reaction to my weight loss, this time vs. last time (149.8) and ear piercing

Vickie asked in a comment on a recent post:  I understood you to say that LAST TIME everyone still sort of had everything to do with your weight loss and that was part of the problem. And this time NO ONE has anything to do with your weight loss and that is working. Is that accurate?

Since my reply was lengthy and, hopefully, insightful, I wanted to include it in a post.
I responded:

That's a good question. The first time I guess I let other's reactions to my weight loss--whether positive or negative--influence the way I processed the loss. I was in a place where I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by not eating what they offered. I was also concerned about what people would think about was on my plate (or wasn't on my plate). I would often feel bad about being thin around people close to me who weren't, while at the same time feel superior to them. I talked about my weight loss a lot more, too (because I was asked about it and didn't know it was better to NOT talk about it). I craved the praise and approval.

The external rewards/acknowledgment were important to me, and they aren't now. And the external (perceived) criticism messed with my head, and it doesn't now. And if/when it does, I talk to my sponsor or take a God break, and get focused on what's important again.

This time....I think approaching it from the direction of this is an ILLNESS (addiction), and I'm not on a diet, has made all the difference. I don't care what people think if I say no to food I can't eat. Because my health and my sanity are much more important than what anyone else thinks about me or about themselves. I don't need the compliments and I don't need to talk about my weight loss.

I like how I look, and I'm not comparing myself to others anymore. Sometimes comparison still slips in, but honestly I can look back at the weight gain in 2010-2011 and I'm just so thankful I am healthier and thinner now. I accept that this is the body I have, and it doesn't have to be perfect for me to be happy. That wasn't the case before. I was never happy with my body, no matter what size I was. I always wanted to be thinner & faster & better. Nothing was ever good enough. I'm working hard on eliminating that kind of thinking from my life.

This is just who I am now. I'm addicted to food, I can't eat what I can't eat, and the body I have now is the body I'm meant to have. The body I'm meant to have will continue to change over time, and I will accept it--the good, bad, and ugly.

And, it's not about ME. I am not doing this on my own. I truly believe I could not have made this shift in thinking without OA and without God's help. I have a lot more (very powerful) tools this time around than I did last time.
***
We had a good 3 day weekend.  We didn't have anything on the schedule, so it was a family time with just us.  We stopped doing Easter dinners with Mark's family when his sister moved to Indy a couple years ago (smaller family now, and Mark's cousin who always hosted decided she wanted Easter off, too).  My mom had Easter dinner, but I didn't want to spend the whole day with my family.  The food is always all white and yellow and brown, and frankly they can suck the energy out of me.  Yesterday was our last day of spring break and I chose to guard our time together instead of trying to make anyone else happy. (This is not really new for me--I have never spent Easter with my family. Thankfully my mom is very understanding and doesn't make me feel guilty.)

After church on Easter we went to a Japanese hibachi restaurant, which we love b/c it is such fun.  The food is heavy on salt and butter, though, and I paid for it with some digestive distress yesterday and I'm a little bloated this morning.  I don't eat there often, and thankfully it didn't trigger any cravings. I read a book and watched "Lost" and had a lovely relaxing time at home.  The kids & Mark did sidewalk chalk yesterday, which turned out to be a sunny and warmer afternoon.  I'll have to post pics later of their art.  Mark & Sophie are masters of sidewalk chalk.

The highlight of my weekend was a girls day I had with my friend Amy on Saturday.  We met for lunch at 11, then went to the mall to shop at Sephora.  And I got my ear pierced!

There's something about being in your 40s and wanting to "mark" it somehow.  I know a ton of women who get tattoos when they turn 40 (my friend Kate--not niece Kate in Indy--has a tattoo on her upper inner arm of "I am half agony, half hope," a quote from her favorite book, Persuasion).  I guess it's a right of passage, maybe. Or hormones. Or a desire to hang onto youth.  Whatever reason, I have wanted a tattoo for several years now.  But Mark hates them, and since it's important to me what my husband thinks of my body, I'm not getting one. 

I still wanted something, though.  So I decided to get my left ear pierced where my acupuncture pins usually go.  Have I talked about those?  Part of my treatment is getting little pins put into one ear in two places--one in the divot where my ear lobe meets the rest of my ear (which is a depression--I like to think of it as "happiness"--point), and the other in the cartilage just above the "c" curve of my inner ear (which is a centering point). 

I love those pins. They look cool and I've had several compliments (and questions) on them.  They usually stay in about 10 days.  I wear my hair up a lot so my ears are exposed all the time.  I wanted to get them permanently, not for treatment but for the symbolism of centering and happiness. 

Indiana won't allow jewelry stores to pierce cartilage--I have to go to a tattoo shop for that (irony of ironies).  So I just have the happiness spot pierced right now, with a 3 mm silver ball.  When I can change into a regular earring, I will get a smaller ball.  I'll get the cartilage pierced soon. 

I can still get the pins in my right ear, when I need them.

After the mall, Amy and I got pedicures.  We spent five hours together and it was refreshing and recharging.  I love talking with that girl. We are kindred spirits.

The knee is better but not 100% yet.  Still no running or workouts.  I'm using KT tape on it for stability and to keep the swelling down.  I'm hopeful a couple weeks rest will be enough.  If I injure it again, I'll have to go to PT. 

I am officially DONE with black tights, socks, and boots.  I don't give a flying fig that it's in the 40s today.  It's April, for crying out loud.  I'm wearing a skirt and sandals with bare legs today (with a cream sweater, so I'm not being stupid about the cold, just a little rebellious).  Who cares if it's cold?  I can't take the winter clothes anymore.

The knee & the shoulder (148.6)

My knee is still swollen.  It can feel fine when I walk, and then if I step wrong or do something else weird (which I can pinpoint exactly), the tendons will hurt again.  I wrapped it, iced it, and elevated it last night.

I didn't rest it on Tuesday.  I overdid it.  My thought process was--it's not that bad.  I've never had knee problems and I'm sure it will heal quickly.  I didn't injure it exercising so it can't be that bad.  And, I hadn't worked out in forever and just wanted to BE at the gym.  So, I took a weights class.  I used very light weights on squats and no weights on lunges.  I didn't go as deep as usual.  It didn't hurt once during the class.  Then I walked--slowly, between 3 - 3.3) on the TM for 45 minutes while I watched an episode of Lost on Netflix on my phone.  It didn't hurt.  I stretched gently.  I went home and wrapped it, iced it, and elevated it.

Obviously, Tuesday's workout was stupid, because it was really swollen yesterday.

It doesn't hurt that bad, and a lot of the time it feels normal.  But it is swollen.  So I know there's damage in there of some kind.

I'm getting some KT tape tonight and will have my friend who's a PT help me tape it.  I'm not working out again until it's 100%.  Which better be soon because the weather is finally going to get nice in a couple of weeks and I want to be out there running.

I did notice yesterday that when I sit at my desk, I often cross my legs and I tend to let my lower leg drift to the side, which puts pressure on the sides of the bottom knee.  I am trying really hard not to cross my legs at work. It's as hard habit to break.

Also, my left trapezius muscle is tightening up again, and so is my neck.  I had this problem a few years ago and went to a PT for it.  I know it's work related because it's fine at home.  When we moved into our new office in February, I got a new chair like my old one (I only had to pay $30--the office paid $200 and I had a coupon for Office Depot and saved $100).  My arms are level at my keyboard.  My monitor is at the right height.  I don't know what the problem is.

I have started stretching my chest again, lying on the floor with a rolled towel under my spine.  It's not as bad as it was before, but it can really hurt after working a full day.  I've only been at work an hour today and it hurts a little already.

I have also decided to back down to once a month acupuncture (b/c the sun is out more and the weather will be warmer & I can run more, I feel like I can switch to maintenance treatments now).  And then add a massage once a month.  My first massage is April 26 (first available that fit my schedule--April is a busy month).  One hour massage is the same cost as acupuncture ($65).

I'm going to a massage therapist that the owner of our office goes to.  He even gave me a gift certificate so my first one is free.  He is THE best person ever.  Seriously, we are beyond blessed to work in this office (it will be one year on April 18--can you believe that?!)

I think the massage will help a lot with my back & neck issue.  It's cheaper than PT, which my insurance doesn't cover until I reach my $2500 deductible, so I'm not doing PT.

Getting older can really suck.  My body has put up with office work for decades.  Now it decides it doesn't like it.  And I have to figure out how to make it last for another couple of decades (unless God has some plan for me not to work anymore, which I don't foresee but who knows). 

Mark's back has been good and bad since his procedure. It tends to hurt worse on long, stressful days.  Stress has a huge amount to do with how much pain he has.  His PT has had him work on his core muscles--somehow Mark doesn't relax his core the right way and it's always tense, which puts stress on his lower back.   I don't really understand it.  He has breathing exercises he's supposed to do, but I'm not sure how much he's doing it.  He sucks at "compliance" and isn't all that proactive most of the time.

He also is the kind of person who thrives on stress--I don't know how else to put it.  He rarely allows enough time to get ready or to get from one place to another (his sense of time is skewed--I think it's a right brain thing; Sophie is the same way). He is almost always in a hurry.  He must somehow get a rush or is addicted to the stress hormones.  I HATE stress hormones and I do everything I can to not be put into a position where I have to hurry.  I do fear for him, that the stress is horrible for his heart.  But I can't change him, and he's not changing himself.  I don't nag him about it anymore.  Nagging just makes it worse.

This is the second time in a week I've seen 148.6 on the scale. Wednesday will be 180 days of abstinence.  I'm very happy with how things are going right now.

I'm also still tapering off of wellbutrin.  I'm now at skip three days, take one.  I will do that for about another week, then will do skip four days, take one for a couple of weeks then I'll be done.  It takes four days for wellbutrin to be completely out of your system.  It is an easy drug to wean off of (as opposed to other SSRI's, which can be brutal).  I have felt a faint brain "zap" a couple of times when I switched from skip two days to skipping three days but it wasn't bad or long.  I haven't felt any depression from it. I'm guessing I'll be back on wellbutrin in the fall.  I'm still taking lamictal 75 mg, which has been a miracle drug in stabilizing my moods.

Now the real work begins (149.0)

I ran the OA meeting last night, which means I gave my "lead" (I talked about my story for 40 minutes). 

It was the second time I'd given my lead.  The first time I gave it, last November, I told my story at a high level, getting in as many details of my life as possible.  This time, I still gave details but not as many and they were more in depth. 

I talked a lot about my life between 2007-2012.  How I'd lost and gained.  How I felt when I'd lost weight the first time.  How I did the outside work but not the inside.  How I still had a "fat head" at 146 pounds.  How my life wasn't perfect when I got thin.  And how when life hit me in the shins, I went right back to food.

At the end of my talk, I said I feel like the first 6 months of OA have been a honeymoon phase (which is a term they use) and it has been a blessing to be free from the power of food.  I couldn't have done it by myself; only through meetings and the program have I been able to lose 25 pounds and become free of the prison of sugar.

Now, the hard work begins.

I didn't do the hard work the last time.  The hard work is the inside work.  It is working the 12 steps.  It is examining those parts of myself I'd rather ignore (that's what the 4th step inventory is mostly about--which I'm not working on yet).  It's acknowledging every single day that I am a food addict.  It's identifying foods I think I can eat safely, but when they become a problem, eliminate them from my diet (like fried foods---fried anything makes me think about more food).  It's reading more OA lit and writing more often about my feelings.

I read this weekend in one of the OA books (on my Kindle) that simply overeating is a pathway to compulsive eating.  I have noticed this, as well.  I have overeaten several times, and each time was because I subconsciously wanted the comfort food offered.  I have eaten other than meal times, mostly on the weekends, out of boredom or for distraction.

I have to be honest about these eating behaviors, or I will slip back into compulsive eating.  Addiction is insidious that way.

To help me keep a journal, I downloaded an app on my phone called Daily Diary.  I love it.  I hate to write long hand.  It takes too long and my hand writing is atrocious. I don't have the patience to write neatly.  Plus, I don't have a big purse so I can't carry a journal around with me.  I always have my phone.  I can type pretty quickly with my thumbs (I always wonder what kind of damage we are doing to our thumb joints?  will there be an abundance of thumb arthritis 30 or 40 years from now?).  I typed out my notes for yesterday's OA talk on there.  I also journaled on Sunday, after I'd had three days of not so great eating, to work through WHY I was eating the way I was.  The diary is just one more tool in my arsenal.

Tools are how I stay even.  I think of all these as my tools: meetings, my sponsor, my OA friends, medication, abstinence from sugar/fat/flour foods, my SAD light, exercise, reading and writing, my therapist, acupuncture, my blog and all of you. 

If any of these tools aren't being used, I can slip and get out of balance.  I've got plenty of proof to that effect.

Sleep needs to be a better tool--I still don't have a great bed time/wake up time habit.  I like to stay up late and I don't like mornings.  This may forever be a challenge until I learn to accept what is good for me, instead of wanting things my way (kind of like with food, no?). 

Random news: I did something to my knee yesterday.  I sat on the bed for a few minutes with one leg folded underneath me.  When I stood up, the tendons on both sides of my knee hurt.  Felt like I'd strained them.  It's hard to describe, because I haven't felt anything like that before.  I stretched it and elevated it for about 30 minutes.  It got better, then when I stood up after sitting for about 20 minutes, it did it again.  I wrapped it last night in an ace bandage and slept with it elevated on a pillow.  It still feels weak this morning--not the same pain as last night, but I can tell it's not right. 

It didn't hurt to walk up stairs this morning at work, so that's a good sign.  I'd planned on working out tonight (run or walk or class).  Not sure if that's going to happen or not.  I think walking might actually be good for it, if I don't push too hard.  We'll see.

Kids are at my mom's today and tomorrow.  I have a free night for me! I'm going to a concert at the university where our church choir director teaches. He's conducting a Bach concert with his university choir and the Bach Singers group he put together a couple of years ago (the Bach Singers perform at our church twice a year).  I'm so stinking excited to have a night to myself and to support his efforts.  Unfortunately I'm going by myself.  I asked Mark's cousin to go with me but she's busy. All my friends have kids and can't go.  Mark has a meeting tonight.  I'm okay with going places by myself, but it would have been nice to have shared it with someone else. 

It snowed here all day yesterday.  No accumulation other than a dusting on our deck and fence (didn't even stay on the grass).  But it was totally bizarre to see blowing snow on the first day of the kids' spring break.  I am so winter weary.  I'm not alone, I know.  Last March was the warmest we'd had in over 100 years.  I'm guessing this is one of the coldest in years.  Ah, climate change.  I'm sure we'll have more extremes in the years to come.

Nothing sinking this ship (149.2)

Warning: brief whine session ahead
I am so tired of being cold.  I am tired of my winter clothes.  I'm tired of wearing tights all the time. I miss wearing summer sandals. I'm tired of paying a stupidly high utility bill (I don't keep our house cold like a lot of people--I like to be comfortable in my own house. But it's not THAT warm, and I always have to wear a sweater & socks).  I'm tired of being cold at work; I need to just buy a space heater but I keep hoping the weather will warm up and I won't have to buy one (but I'm done waiting and I'm getting one ASAP).  I'm sick about how cold it's going to be Palm Sunday, when we have our Easter egg hunt at church.  IF we even have it.  It's supposed to rain too. 

I know I'm preaching to the choir. I'm sure you're all just as anxious as I am for spring weather to arrive.

Whine over.

So I'm doing really, really well. 

Sophie was sick yesterday with a touch of a migraine and a tummy ache.  A friend at work told me about her niece who started getting tummy aches once a month about a year before she started her period.  Sophie will be 12 in May, hasn't started yet.  I'm now tracking her tummy aches to see if there's a pattern, so we can be aware of it. 

I stayed home in the morning with her, then came to the office at 11.  Mark didn't leave for home until 1 pm, so she was by herself for a couple of hours, which she is fine with and I am too. 

Mark had a back procedure yesterday (steroid injections).  The radio frequency procedure (where they burn the nerve around his spine) he had 4 months ago has worked well, but it's starting to wear off.  He's been having more bad days recently.  He had this procedure done to carry him the next two months; he can get another RF at 6 months (the nerve grows back).  I stayed with him at the doctor's office (Sophie was home another 2 hours by herself) during the procedure because he was nervous and wanted me there.

I had a conversation with my mom about the insurance settlement from the car wreck she had (with my kids in the car) almost 2 years ago.  She was very upset because the attorney said she'd get $3600 after they pay all the expenses and attorney's fees.  That won't cover what she's had to pay out of pocket.  She has back pain from the accident.  She has not been seeing a pain doctor, which I told her to do months ago.  Insurance doesn't care how you feel; they care that you can prove your injuries through doctor visits.  Needless to say, she's not settling for that amount.  Who knows how it will work out--it's not my job to fix it and I'm not worrying about it.  (They settled with us last month, and we got more than that for the kids.)  Even though I'm not worrying about it, I'm still upset for my mom and hate to know she's going through this. 

Then last night Luke & I went to a friends house to hang out with our core group of church friends. My close friend Paula and her family moved to Iowa in December, and they were here for their spring break.  It was wonderful to be back together with everyone.  We laughed and laughed and had so much fun.  These are the kinds of friends where you can be apart but pick up right where you left off when you get back together.  Our kids are all big enough to play upstairs by themselves (youngest is 3) so we had adult time around the dining room table.  It was fabulous.

None of this sank me.  Not one bit.

I feel really good today (other than being cold).  My food is in line.  I was able to be around pizza and dessert last night and have no issues.  I had salad and two slices of cheese (more on cheese in a minute).  I allow two slices on my program, since that small an amount doesn't trigger cravings for me.

On the cheese, I think I have to stop eating it all together.  I have digestive issues a few hours after eating it and it continues into the next day.  I really only eat cheese on pizza and grilled cheese.  I don't eat it every day.  Other than Starbucks lattes, it's the only dairy I eat.  So it shouldn't be too hard to give up.  It's just a mind shift that I need to make.

I bought a kleen kanteen water bottle, which I love.  I didn't buy the sports cap at first, but found that unscrewing the cap, which takes longer than a typical bottle because it has a longer "thread," was taking too long.  I know that sounds ridiculous.  But I like to drink all day at my desk, and taking the time to unscrew the cap was getting annoying.  I won't leave it open on my desk--too risky around my keyboard and paperwork.  So I ordered the sportscap from Amazon and love it.

I also have been making smoothies more.  I put in a big handful of spinach, soy protein powder, coconut water and milk (the lite milk in a can, which has no sugar but some fat for staying power), and about a cup of frozen berries and pineapple/mango mix.  I had been using 1/2 a banana, but decided that was a bad idea b/c they are high in sugar and some people (Vickie in particular) have reported gaining weight when adding banana to their diets. I'm not having them every day, so I'm not worried about eating too much fruit. They are nice when I don't feel like eating food.  I can't taste the spinach, and this is a great way to get it into my diet.

My cough is almost gone, but my throat has been hurting the past two days and I'm all snotty again.  It's driving me crazy.  My mucas had a thread of red in it this morning, but I'm hoping I can fight it off (taking Vit C) and it won't become a full blown infection. I don't want to take another antibiotic.  And I definitely don't want to be sick again!

No workouts for me this week.  Again, it's the stinking cold keeping me (giving me an excuse) from going to the gym or getting on the treadmill at night.  Thursdays are when I can take a weights class, but Sophie's school choir concert is tonight so I can't go to class.  I am planning on making the yoga class Saturday's at 9 a routine, so hopefully that will happen this weekend.  I might get on the treadmill for 20-30 minutes after class, so that will be good.  I need the cardio and the release.

I'm also planning to go to the eye doctor Saturday and see if I can get contacts.  I have to wear glasses to read and work, and I'm tired of them.  I look much better without glasses--I've got this pretty new eyeshadow to show off!  It's been over two years since I last had my eyes checked, and I think my eyes continue to get worse.  I've never had contacts, but I have no problem touching my eyeball. 

Kids have spring break next week.  I'm taking Monday off, taking them to the dentist (I know, what a fun spring break).  Then they'll be with my mom a day or two, and not sure about the other day.  We have Good Friday off since the stock market is closed.  It's going to still be cold next week, so not much of a "spring" break.  Have I mentioned I'm sick of the cold weather? ha.

I have acupuncture tomorrow.  Can't wait.  It still helps me, a lot.

So that's the scoop.  I'm very thankful I am in the place I am right now.

18 year anniversary (149.0) and Makeup Talk

Today is our wedding anniversary.  I have this picture on my bedside table.  It is one of my favorites from our wedding day.  I can't believe it's been 18 years already. 

I had a pretty good weekend.  We enjoyed our date night Friday (Oz was a fun movie--a bit slow in a few places, but overall very enjoyable.  If you have an IMAX theater nearby & the funds to spend, I'd recommend it. The 3D is amazing). 

Saturday I took a yoga class--I was still very sore from Thursday's weight class, and it was hard to hold poses that required strong legs.  Saturday night we went to a hockey game with the kids, and it was a lot of fun.  Sunday was church, then grocery shopping, then a bit of laundry.  I took it easy most of Sunday.  It was cold and rainy all day, so definitely a lazy day.

I handled the grey weather Saturday afternoon & Sunday pretty well, and didn't get into a funk.  I guess the increased sunlight is making a difference.  I didn't sleep well last night (cough is still there but it's much better) and it's still nasty outside, and I'm in a bit of a funk today.  I think it's a case of the Monday's.

I got several compliments on Sunday morning.  I am receiving & processing them differently this time around.  I feel more like "yes, this is who I AM" instead of "oh yes look at me! I've lost weight and aren't I special? Pour on the praise, please." 

And I DO feel like this is who I am.  Much more at peace with my body.  I don't care that it's not perfect.  I'm not dying to get to a certain weight or clothing size.  I don't care if I ever get into a size 6.  I like the clothes I have.  I feel comfortable and confident. 

I'm thankful my workout clothes fit better, and I'm even comfortable in my yoga/running pants without a big shirt covering up my backside.  That's progress!

I'm thankful I am strong and I can run and lift weights and do yoga.

I'm thankful every single time I squat down--life requires a lot of squating, and I'd rather squat than bend over at the waist to save my back--that I can get down & back up without any assistance (hands on floor/wall/chair). This is a simple thing, but when I was heavy, I couldn't do this.

I feel like I'm finally OK with food.  I will always be addicted to food--and I am not arrogant enough to think I've licked this disease, not by any means--but I'm not its slave anymore.

***
Warning--totally girly makeup talk below.  If you're not into make up, this will bore you to tears.

Saturday after yoga I went to Ulta and played with the makeup.  I'd been feeling really drab, like the colors I was using were washing out my face. With my pale skin, it's difficult to balance between looking dull with too little color and looking garish with too much color.

My friend Amy is a makeup fiend, and she gave me many recommendations on our trip to Florida.  So I had a starting point and it was easy to find what I needed without feeling overwhelmed.

I got eyeshadow, liner, and blush.

My favorite purchase is Urban Decay's Naked 2 eyeshadow pallette.  I've only every used cheap eyeshadow, choosing to spend money on good foundation, skin care, and mascara.  Oh what I've been missing!  This pallet is a perfect balance of neutrals.  I can mix up the colors on my eyes and look great in any of them.  The colors blend easily, much more so than what I'd been using before.

I couldn't wait to wake up the past two mornings so I could do my eyes. Obviously, I'm a make up fiend too.

I also got an Urban Decay eyeliner to match.  It's a bronze color, which makes my blue eyes stand out.  I'd been using a lot of black eyeliner, which I love, but I can get carried away with it and it actually makes my eyes look smaller. 

I needed a new blush color, too.  That's where it's really tricky.  I don't wear pink well.  I can't have anything too dark.  I want to look natural but still have color & brightness in my cheeks.  I have also found that powder blush is making my cheeks and skin near my eyes look crepe-y.  Tarte has a cheek stain which is basically colored wax in a stick. I got the peachy toned Tipsy.  One of the reviews I read said she'd had her stick for 7 years.  I can see why.  It takes next to nothing to get color.  It took some getting used to, but I perfected the application by day 2.  I have a natural glow, not big peach/pink cheekbones. And no dry looking skin.

Last week I needed new foundation, so I bought Tarte's BB cream in Fair from Sephora.com (yes, it was risky, but I'm almost always the lightest shade.  From the reviews I learned that the 2nd lightest shade was too dark for several women. Thankfully it was perfect).  I've been using a tinted moisturizer with loose powder over it for years.  I don't like heavy coverage and since my skin is good, I don't need it.  The BB cream feels like silk going on.  It's a bit more coverage than the tinted moisturizer, so I need very little powder, which helps reduce the dry skin look.  I also discovered that the tinted moisturizer I've been using is actually too dark.  It matched my skin tone OK, but it wasn't until I got the new BB cream that I realized the tint was a shade too dark for me and making me look more tanned than I like (at least I don't like it when I don't have a tan).

So that's the story of my makeup.  :)

Insanity, as it applies to us in OA (150.2) and Measurements

Thought I'd share what I wrote for one of my OA 30 questions:

Some say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  This applies to diets/compulsive eating.  I've tried in the past to "control" my eating but food actually controlled me.  In the past, I prayed that God would help me lose weight, but what I really wanted was for God to make me thin but still be able to eat anything I want.

When it comes to food, I have acted in a completely irrational (insane) and self destructive manner.  I have eaten and behaved in ways that no sane person would dream of.

I was obsessed with diets for years.  After being on diet after diet, I would inevitably overeat and return to compulsive eating behaviors.

True insanity--I kept trying to find comfort in excess food, long after it began to cause me misery.

Food caused me to act insanely, especially in regards to how I treated my children and husband.  I am a mean sugar drunk.  I hurt the people I love most, because I choose food over them.
I was more comfortable with food than people.  I isolated myself.  Food became my friend, comforter, lover.  But food is FOOD. None of those things can be found in food for a sane person.

****
I went to a Group Power (weights) class last night for the first time in months and months.  The hour went by quickly.  It was wonderful to feel my muscles work.  I am sore today--I will be sorer tomorrow.  I plan to take a yoga class tomorrow morning and maybe another weights calls Sunday afternoon.  I haven't run since the race, but I expect to add that back in next week, at least a couple of days.  I like that I can have balance in my exercise, since I don't have a race to train for. 

Still not sure about the April half. Talked to a guy yesterday who runs, and he said the hills aren't that bad--there aren't any as steep as the two areas I run on.  The biggest problem with that race, he said, is it's boring.  You run through a lot of cornfields.  That more than anything will deter me. I love running in the city.  I get so much energy from city running.  It's hard to explain the WHY of where this energy comes from.  Maybe it's because I like cars and I like houses and neighborhoods.  I can feel the energy of the people around me.  Maybe it's the power lines...who knows.  :)

I was able to sing in church choir rehearsal last night.  Even hit the G notes pretty well (although not as strong as usual).  It was bliss.  I love music, I love to sing. Not having a singing voice for 3 weeks really affected how I felt in a negative way. 

I took my measurements this morning while I was waiting for my root touch-up hair color to process (root touch-up color is brilliant, but why is it almost expensive as a box of full color?  ticks me off).

They were:
Waist, narrowest part: 29.5
Waist at belly button: 31.5
Chest under arms: 32.5
Chest (boobs), no bra: 36.5
Hips (upper, around bottom of underwear): 39
Saddlebags (widest part of lower body): 42 (ugh)
Calf: 14.5
Thighs (forgot to measure)
Ankle: 8.5
Upper arm by armpit: 12
Bicep: 11
Wrist: 6
Neck: 12.5

I also have 2010 measurements in my notepad on my phone, when I weighed 164 pounds. They were:
Waist (narrowest part): 32.5 (down 3")
Hips (upper): 42.6 (down 3.6")
Saddlebags: 45 (down 3")
Upper chest: 34.5 (down 2")
Chest (boobs), no bra: 38.5 (down 2")
Upper thigh: 23.5 (down ?)

This is great to know, because I thought I had lost the most in my upper body.  My upper body noticeably slims down sooner than my lower half (I can see my collar bones and my ribs across my chest).  But my lower half lost more inches.  Which is cool!

It also surprises me how much I lose in small places, like my neck, feet, and wrists.  I can see tendons in my feet that weren't there last year.  I can wear the pearl choker I wore on my wedding day, that I couldn't wear when I was at my heaviest.  I got my Movado watch fixed, that Mark bought me for my 35th birthday almost 8 years ago; it needed a new battery and I had three links taken out of it. I needed those links when I weighed 200 pounds. 

We celebrate our 18th wedding anniversary Monday.  Going to dinner (Mark wants Red Lobster b/c they have lobster fest on.  Not my favorite restaurant, but it will make him happy) and to see Oz tonight. 

I am now the age my mom was when I got married!  I look back at pictures of my wedding, and while my mom was beautiful, I do look younger than she did then.  Which is encouraging--I hope I still look younger when I'm 60 than what she does now.  It's my theory that people who have kids when they are young, and also when they work a factory job for 25+ years, age more quickly than those who have kids when they are older.  My step dad is one year older than Mark--he has two grown sons and a posse of grandkids. He also is a heavy equipment operator, which is a physically demanding job. He looks much older than Mark.

Hopefully, please God, it will be warm today like it's supposed to be.  I know I keep whining about this, but this winter has been the longest I can remember.  It's going to be in the 50s/30s next week.  Still!  Our church Easter egg hunt is next Sunday, and it's supposed to be 36/51 that day.  Sooo not right.  When we got married in March of 1995, the trees were budding and flowering trees has flowers, and it was temperate like a spring day.  No such luck this year.  Gah! I cannot wait for the heat to get here.  I do solemnly swear that I will not complain when it's 90+ this summer.  IF it even gets to 90+. 

Feeling great, feeling stable.  My weight will be up for a week or so while I go through mid-cycle hormones and stabilizes a bit. I can't wait to get & stay under 149--normal BMI that I so desire. 

Happy weekend, peeps.