Thursday, May 31, 2007

Day 103 - "Official" weight = 177.4 (home weight = 175.4)

I'm .2 pounds away from officially losing 30 pounds. And 1.2 pounds away from the half way mark of my 62 pound goal.

I've been feeling so good lately. I look better. I have more energy. I'm not dealing with food-induced headaches or sugar crashes or food guilt. The scale keeps going down and isn't plateauing. I'm keeping up my exercise and running longer and faster.

So it seems things are going well. And they are.

But sometimes, it feels really weird.

Like when I put on one of my favorite black shirts this morning, and it was way too big. I'm glad I've gotten smaller, but gosh I loved that shirt. This is so lame, I know, but it happened and I felt it, and I'm putting it here on my blog.

And I've noticed, once in a while, people looking at me, at the gym, at the store, when I drop off the kids at day care/day camp. I guess I was invisible before with an extra 30 pounds? And now they can see me? Or is it that I'm more sensitive to looks because I *want* to be looked at? (I don't think I do, but maybe subconsciously I do?) I don't think I'm very comfortable being looked at.

Compliments are coming at me fast now, and I love them. But then, what happens when they stop? Eventually, people are going to stop telling me how great I look. So maybe I shouldn't enjoy these comments so much and not get used to that amazing feeling from recognition of my accomplishments, because it's not gonna last.

I'm an approval-seeking person, who lives and dies by what others think of me. I've gotten better about this as I've gotten older, but I still like getting fussed over when I lose a pound at weigh in, or when I tell my husband I ran 2 and 1/2 miles straight (he didn't praise me enough for that accomplishment, IMO--see how much I need approval?!), or when I wear an adorable new outfit and think I look great.

I'm half way through the losing part. I feel like I've got my game on and I'm really really going to do it this time. By September 21, I will weigh 140 pounds and wear a size 8 or maybe even a 6, if I keep losing at the rate I have for the past 15 weeks.

But what about after that? That unknown land of maintenance and the scale staying within a 2 pound range. Really, I don't know why I'm worried about it, because it's months away and I still have over 30 pounds to lose.

Probably, it's because of the failure rate of weight loss maintenance. Those awful statistics I don't even want to go research because I will really get depressed.

And Alicia's post at Grumpy Chair Dieter got me thinking today about why I've hidden under fat for so many years. I have similar issues with men at a young age, that I won't go into now because I don't want to deal with it (some of you know my story from the early day's of Frances's Amazon blog).

Is it normal to have a FEAR of being recognized and praised for looking good, while at the same time you WANT to be recognized and praised for looking good?

Gosh, no wonder I eat to feel better. My emotions and feelings are a mess. I'm gonna have to noodle on this more and get if figured out soon.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Day 102 - 175.4 - Sucker for "Success Story" Magazines

In the past month or so, I've bought numerous celebrity mags because the covers are of formally fat girls who are now skinny. You know the ones-- Ricky Lake now weighs 120 pounds; Janet Jackson is still skinny a year later after losing 60 pounds; "We lost 100 pounds!" (non-celebrity skinny girls, but they're on the cover anyway).

I loved the pictures and stories from the latest "We lost 100 pounds!" issue. All the girls in bathing suits looked great. And like totally different people. All but one of those women RUN to keep their weight off. I found that incredibly inspiring, since I'm becoming a runner, too.

I liked the Ricky Lake article a lot too, because she seems so real, and she's a mom, and she's struggled with weight for a long time. I really hope she keeps it off this time.

I just read the Janet Jackson article last night. I thought it was crap. First of all, I read the article last year when she lost 60 pounds, and she said she had gained the weight for a part in a play or movie (can't remember which). And she lost it in, like, 3 months or something ridiculous. Now, a year later, the magazine is trying to make it sound like she's had a weight problem or something. What?! Since when? So she was a little chubby as a teenager, big deal. She's been skinny skinny for years, and the article proved it because they only had one chubby picture from back in the 80s.

Anyway, what really bothered me was the Q&A. The A's didn't sound like something a real person said-- it sounded like someone wrote answers for her. And they were not inspiring, not helpful, just insipid. "If you eat too much one day, just lighten up the next." or "Play sand volleyball a couple times a week and you'll get in great shape!" Whatever!

Not that I expect sage health advice from JJ. It's more me I'm irritated with. Why do I bother spending $3-$4 on these rags? I KNOW what it takes to lose weight. I have tons of success stories to read online. There's inspiration coming from all directions from the AFG links.

So why do I feel the need to keep up with Hollywood's weight loss dramas? (BTW, I refuse to buy anything with Kirstie Alley or Valerie Bertenelli on the cover-- I got really p/o'd at Valerie being all "I'm a size 14 and I need Jenny Craig! Help me lose 30 freakin' pounds!" Plus, I think Kirstie is just plain snotty and obnoxious and don't like her.)

I suppose it's because I want what they (allegedly) have. And for $3.95 I can briefly live vicariously through them. And dream of how great I'll look in another 30 pounds.

But that feeling doesn't last long, and more often than not I'm disappointed in the shallowness of the article anyway.

Next time Hollywood supplies a formerly- fat- now- thin former star, I'll spend my $3.95 on a latte.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Day 101 - 175.8 Ramblings

I'm in the triple digits, days-wise. 101 days of no ice cream, no pizza, no donuts, no doughy breadsticks, no chips, no cheese, no sugary cereal. 101 days of tracking my food--every day--and being mindful that what I put in my mouth directly affects the outcome of my weight loss efforts. 101 days closer to my ultimate weight loss goal.

And it's truly taken 101 days before my efforts SHOW on my body. Only now, after 28 pounds lost, does it look like I've lost weight. And I finally FEEL like I've lost weight. The image in the mirror looks slimmer. I feel slimmer.

I'm almost half way there. 35.8 pounds away from goal. That seems a lot more achievable than the 62 pounds I started out needing to lose.
Yesterday I bought a new bathing suit at JC Penney. Thankfully swimsuit designers have caught up with real women's bodies, and there are tons of tankini's and swim skirts available. I got a black swim skirt in size 14, and two tank top suits--one in a black and red poppy floral print that has a lot of chest support, and one in a rainbow stripe that really shows off my cleavage with a string tie around my neck. We took the kids to the pool yesterday and I wore the red floral, and felt comfortable out there. My body's not perfect, but it's okay for a mom of two.
I played with the dreaded BMI calculator this weekend, to see how I rate now. I'm officially out of the obese category and now am simply overweight. I won't be in the normal range until I weigh 149 pounds.
I'm trying to get off my antidepressant (Lexapro), and man is it weird. I'm going through the "brain zaps," which are freaky. Last night I felt like I had the flu, with chills and body aches. I felt sick to my stomach yesterday morning. I want to have s e x with my husband, which believe me, is totally not the norm. The brain zaps are the worst part.

I got online last night to figure out the symptoms of withdrawal, and all of these are included. Thankfully I'm not experiencing hallucinations or insomnia. The s e x thing is the funniest to me; I read that when the body is losing seratonin, it craves dopamine, and one way to increase dopamine production is through s e x (also through food, elicit drugs, and exercise--I'll be exercising a lot). Funny, because that's a GOOD side affect. The rest of them suck.

I've tapered down, and am taking 10 mg every 2 - 3 days. I need a pill splitter so I can start taking 5 mg every other day. I read that it can take months to get completely over the symptoms, sometimes up to 6 months! This is powerful stuff, man.

The reasons for getting off this med are many. First, we are self employed now and have health insurance through Cobra for another year. We got several insurance quotes a few months ago, and my antidepressant use was an issue. "It's for post partum depression" isn't going to work when my baby is 2 and 1/2 years old. So I gotta get "clean" from my Rx drug (this is the only Rx I take).

Also, I originally put on my weight 12 years ago when I went on Prozac. It wasn't widely known back then that SSRI's can cause weight gain. In fact, my doc told me I should lose weight on Prozac. Imagine my increased depression, one year later and 40 pounds heavier. It took 3 more years and a good therapist before I got off of Prozac and felt a little less guilt at gaining weight instead of losing.

I've been on and off SSRI's since I was 25. I think they are amazing, lifesaving drugs. I'll go back on one if I need it. I've never been the type to say "Oh, I don't want to be on medicine all my life." Hey, if the science is there and you need it, then use it. But I feel like I'm at a time when I can try to get off of it. And financially and physically, I need to be clean of this drug. I don't want anything hindering my loss, and I want to be at a normal weight and drug free the next time we apply for health insurance.
I cleaned out my closet Sunday afternoon. I knew most of the clothes that were too big, but had to try on a lot of the "back of the closet skinny clothes." Even most of those were too big! I kept one short black skirt and a couple of dresses that are 14/16's, and they look good--not too tight, not too big, just good. I had several pairs of jeans my sister had given me from her skinny days, and they fit great. So my closet is full now of clothes that fit me, that look good, and are smaller. My feet have even gotten smaller. My size 9's are too big, and I bought a size 8 sandal at Dressbarn Friday. I also went through some old jewelry and rings that haven't fit in years are on my fingers today. How strange to lose weight in feet and fingers.
We had the kids at the pool on Sunday and Monday. It felt like we were on vacation. So relaxed, lots of fresh air and sunshine. Went to dinner Monday at "Cheeseburger in Paradise," and Sophie played in the sand outside by our table. It really felt like a vacation then, with Jimmy Buffet songs in the background. I had a salad with grilled shrimp, dressing on the side, no wontons. Looked at the desserts on the menu; I'm sure they were delicious, but not for me. Not right now.

This is going to be a great summer.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Day 99 - 176.4 AND SIZE 12

I can't stop looking at the label in my new shorts-- size 12.

Friday I went to Dressbarn to get something to wear for Sophie's party, and took a few 12s with me into the dressing room just in case. Everything I tried on in a 12 fit. Not everything looked good (thank you What Not to Wear-- it's not ME, it's the clothes!), but it all fit. A solid 12.

I haven't been a 12 in 12 years. That was when I was on my way UP, and now I'm on my way down, so it's a Happy Twelve instead of the Sad Twelve back in 1995.

And, the best part, in pictures from Sophie's party I actually looked like a 12. Not like the Easter Picture Disaster of just 2 months ago. But I look good. Thinner all over. I'm wearing shorts and even though my legs are white white white, they look okay. I still have a belly and big ole boobs, but my shirt (size L) buttons don't pull and gape when I stand or sit.

So I am a happy little camper today.

And Sophie's party was a hit.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Day 97 - Accomplishment to Report / 177.0

Yesterday I ran for 25 minutes straight. 2 miles plus one minute. It got really tough at 15 minutes and again at 20 minutes, but after I hit 23 minutes I felt like I could keep going on and on and on. That was a great feeling. But time was an issue, and I didn't want to over do it just because I felt like I could.

Lots of errands today to finish things up for Sophie's party tomorrow. I'm hoping to find 45 minutes for myself at the gym.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Officially, my weight is now...


I've dropped into a new decade "officially."


Day 96 - 177.8

Just a quick check in. Weight's the same, which is okay. I haven't exercised much this week b/c of Sophie being sick.

Got my hair cut yesterday. It's pretty short! I had it this short about 3 years ago, and I like it but am not used to it yet. It's a lot lighter on my head and suits my weight loss so far.

Sophie's birthday is tomorrow and the big "Fairies and their Pets" party is Saturday. It's in our backyard and I've spent way too much money on decorations and treats for the girls. There will be around 15 girls all together. I am totally insane to do this at our house--it's much CHEAPER --believe it or not-- and easier to have it somewhere else, like the gymnastics place or Chuck E Cheese. Sophie specifically requested a party in her back yard, though, so what's a mom to do? SIX is a special year. I'm doing my best to make it a special party.

So it's all about the GIRL for the next few days.

I swear, I will not have cake. I swear, I will not have cake. I swear, I will NOT have cake! ;)

Monday, May 21, 2007

Day 93- 177.8

It's been a good week for weight loss for me. The scale at home has been steadily moving down. At today's weigh in at LAWL, I was down 2.6 pounds from last Monday. My "official" weight at LA is 180.4, a total loss of 26.8.

And the loss is really showing in my clothes. My bras are too big around my rib cage-- I measured the band area of my body, and it's 33" (my boobs have not shrunk yet, though-- still a 39" chest). So I need 34DDD bras. I'm suffering through with my 36DD's for now, because that's the last thing I want to spend money on.

My XL tops are getting too big; my XL stretchy black pants look really nice on me. I tried on a size 16 straight skirt in the back of my closet this morning, and it was huge on me. My workout pants are baggy, but that's not such a bad thing! I'm wearing workout tanks to the gym that fit, which I have from 5 years ago--the last time I was working out semi-regularly--so I look okay at the gym.

Naked, I still have HUGE thighs and butt (those will probably never be like I want them unless I get liposuction, which ain't happenin' anytime soon), but my back fat rolls are almost all gone, my stomach isn't "flat" but it's looking a lot better. My arm muscles are looking more defined and I am noticing my collar bone more.

Another cool perk to this weight loss is my running is getting closer to effortless. Not that I don't exert myself, just that I can run for 10 minutes at a time and I don't feel like I'm dying. I actually enjoy myself while running. I WANT to run. It's really cool.

Now, all this sounds like I've got it ALL together food wise and exercise wise. Nope. It's a struggle right now. I still want to deal with my stress by eating, and I have slipped a few times (the slips just don't involve Ben & Jerry's and have been in the 200-400 calorie range). When the craziness happens in life, I really want to hit the gym. But I don't have the option of just flying out of the house at any given moment to go for a run. So sometimes, I use food. A little food, but it's still food.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Day 89 - 179.8

At last, the scale moved down. AND into a new decade. Love it when that happens.

Sophie is dizzy again today, and with me at the office. I have a weigh in at LAWL that I missed yesterday and will take her with me today. Then a haircut for her at 4 p.m., and then HOPEFULLY she'll be okay to go to the kid's club at the gym (after I pick up Luke) and I can get a workout in. I need it!

ETA: Official weigh in = 182.6, down .4 since Monday. Total loss of 24.6.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Day 88 - 181 pounds - Another sick day

Last week it was the boy. Today it's the girl. What is it with my sick kiddos?

Sophie gets vertigo usually before she comes down with a virus, or it's vertigo before a migraine (the kid is almost 6 years old and already has to deal with this crap). Today I think it's the virus type, since she was dizzy this morning and didn't have light or touch sensitivity, and she's feeling better this afternoon. The virus type is the better, because it's not as dramatic (no vomiting, no prolonged time in the dark). But it probably means she'll be sick the next few days.

I took the boy to day care, swung by the office to pick up my laptop, and came home with the girl to do work while she rested. So far, I've cooked two recipes out of my LAWL cookbook (both dee-lish!), polished my nails, worked about 30 minutes, read blogs, eaten a snack, eaten lunch, and now blogging myself.

A real productive day, eh?

What the heck is going on weight wise, I don't know. Is it possible to gain/stay the same while ovulating? I don't really understand my cycle and when I gain/lose in the midst of it. I suppose I need to track it and figure it out.

Hoping I can still make it to the gym today. Yesterday was a rest day, but I cleaned the house last night like a mad woman since I had pent up energy from not going to the gym.

Now, being home and working in the kitchen, all I want to do is eat! It's only a tad after 1 p.m., and I have very little food left for the day. I'm thinking maybe a nap is in order. Oy.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Running Saturday

A special post to note that I kicked a$$ on the treadmill Saturday.

I went in the afternoon when it was completely dead in the gym, which was oddly peaceful. I started out watching TV while I walked (each piece of cardio equipment has it's own TV screen, and you can even play DVD movies on them--yes, it's as awesome as it sounds).

Usually I have to have my iPod music to RUN, to get my groove on and stay motivated, but Saturday TNT had "The Matrix 2" playing, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that movie. If I could be any movie character, it would be Trinity from the Matrix. Not because of Keanu Reeves, but because of her awesome body, killer black outfit, and amazing fight scenes. She's da bomb.

Watching the Matrix and listening to the music soundtrack was way better than my iPod mix. First, the fight scenes and chase scenes are practically all music anyway, so I still got my pounding beat in my ears. But mostly, while running and watching Trinity on the motorcycle on the freeway, I felt like I was on there with her! It is nutty, but I felt transported and barely noticed I was running.

I ended up running a total of 30 minutes (5 min run, 2 min walk, 5 min run , 2 min walk, 12 min run (ONE mile!), 2 min walk, 8 min run) all at 5 mph. My total time was 52 minutes and 4.0 miles. The most I've done on the treadmill so far.

I was on such a high. Truly, I could have kept going and going and going. But I had kids to take home and a husband waiting to see us. I'll have to bring my Matrix DVD with me next time to experience that again. I'm not ready for the leather cat suit yet, but maybe someday........

Day 86 - 180.6 - Mother's Day reflections

Yesterday was a gorgeous day here. Low 70s, sunny, low humidity. VERY unlike So. Indiana in May. So we took advantage of it.

After church, we had a quick lunch at home and then DD and I went outside and planted flowers in the front landscaping. Then DS woke up from his nap and we went in the backyard and all of us played together. DH went to a yoga class, and my mom and step-dad came over and played with the kids while I dug around in the backyard landscaping. I spent two hours with gardening gloves on, and it felt great. The kids had a blast playing in the yard with the frisbee and soccer balls and grandma and grandpa.

I then took the kids to the gym and did 30 minutes on the recumbent bike while I read Self and Shape. It was a nice break from the treadmill and I actually felt relaxed afterwards. Then DH picked up kids after Yoga and I got to see them both before my Pilates class. Pilates was taught by an instructor who just had a baby 4 weeks ago (!) and it was pretty basic and not very challenging, but really, it's about what I needed after gardening for a couple hours. This morning my glutes were hurting in places they haven't before, so she did something right!

It was a lovely Mother's Day.

P.S. I had asked DH not to buy my anything. My birthday is in April and our anniversary is in March, so by May I feel like I've gotten all the presents I need until Christmas, so we're low key about Mother's Day. He got up with the baby at 6:30 a.m., which was the only present I wanted.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Day 83 - 181.2 - Binge yesterday

So yesterday I had my first real binge since being on LAWL. Everything just got to be too much-- My son was sick and I was home all day with him, sitting on my big butt watching TV. I didn't get to do my Thursday Step class. DH has been out of town since Tuesday. My house is a freaking disaster.

After I put the baby down to sleep at 6:30 pm, I had my LA Lite, and had been on plan all day. But I couldn't stop after eating the LA Lite. I just wanted to get NUMB. Here's the laundry list:
1/3 of a tub of frozen cool whip free
2 pkgs of LAWL cookies (90 cals each)
1 LA Lite (not OP, 160 calories)
2 mini 3 musketeers

It could have been worse. But it was bad enough that I was in a food coma for a few hours and made my daughter watch TV while I slept on the couch. I was just at such an emotional low and had no way out. I want to cry now thinking about it-- not because I ate the food, but because I just felt so alone and helpless.

Going through this has shown me a couple of things.

1) I NEED the gym for my feel-good hormones and to keep me on track. A big reason why I wanted to eat was I felt resentful I didn't get to go to MY Thursday step class.

2) I'm not immune to binge or emotional eating. Yes, I've been "good" for almost 3 months. No, I'm not perfect or a diet saint. I've still got issues with food. And they are obviously very close to the surface.

Thank God DH will be home this afternoon and I will get to go to the gym for a date with the treadmill. I think I'll throw in some crunches and push ups for good measure.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Day 82 - 181.4 and 20 minutes running

Yesterday at the gym, I went to take the weight lifting class, but the gym had messed up the instructor schedule so there was no class. Frustrating because we all waited for 15 minutes until we heard from the front desk there was definitely no class.

So I hit the treadmill. I was determined to do 20 minutes... that magical and often dreaded place on the C25K plan when you are really pushed to RUN. I did 12 minutes at 5.0 mph, and then backed down to 4.8 and finished the last 8 minutes. Running is such a mind game for me. "One more minute and you can quit. Okay, just 5 more minutes and you can quit. Now, that wasn't so bad, just run through this song and if you need to you can quit." And so on and so on. Until before I know it, I've run 20 minutes.

Today the baby boy is sick-- fever, I hope from his two two-year-old molars coming in. So I'm completely off schedule and out of sorts and haven't even showered yet (it's 2 p.m.). Not sure if he'll be feeling okay for an hour's stay at the kid's club at the gym for my step aerobics class. I may have to put my kiddo's needs before mine and stay home instead. ;-)

I've been watching "The Biggest Loser" reruns on Style network today, 4 of them back to back, and they're on the finale from the 2004 season. I love watching people lose weight. It's like "blogworld" only on TV.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Day 81 - 182 - Goals

My weight is up a bit today, not sure why. Ah, well, such is the life of the dieter. Onward and downward.
So I've been thinking about my GOALS, after reading a few other blogs and noticing a recurring theme that successful losers set and achieve their goals. Here are a few of mine:

Weigh 145 pounds (acceptable)
Weigh 135 pounds (better)
Weigh 125 pounds (ultimate)

Run a 5K
Run my city's Half Marathon in Oct 2008
Run Indianapolis's Half Marathon in April 2009

Have defined arm and leg muscles that look great in shorts and sleeveless shirts

Play with my kids by the pool or on the beach-- in a bathing suit-- without being self conscious

KEEP the weight off for the rest of my life

Help others lose weight and achieve their goals, either through volunteer work or by teaching classes (not sure how this will work, just know it's something I want to do)

Inspire my children to be healthy and active

Monday, May 07, 2007

Day 79 - 181.4 The Scale

I bought a new scale about a week ago. My old one weighed in .5 and the new one is in .2 lbs. It's also more accurate.

I put the old one in DH's bathroom so he wouldn't have to come to my bathroom and weigh. Which presents a problem, because now I have two scales in my house. Scale 'ho that I am, this morning I got on my new scale and it read 181.4. I wanted to see a lower number, because I knew the old scale weighs lighter, so I walked down to DH's bathroom and sure enough, it read 180.

So I'm not so screwed up that I plan on this being routine. But the fact that I KNEW it would be a lower number and I felt better about myself because of the FALSE READING.... what does that say about me?

I guess it says I'm pretty desperate to get this weight off. Or just plain desperate. If my naked trip down the hallway becomes a regular one, I'll know a scalectomy is in order and the old scale will end up at the curb.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Day 76 - Changing Priorities

First thing-- the scale is back down today. Mine reported 182; LAWL official is 183.4. Total of 23.6 pounds GONE.

Today I was looking at the schedule for the summer dance class my daughter wants to start going to. A couple months ago I had circled "Thursday 5:30-6:30" on the class offerings. And also the 5:30-6:15 Tot & Me gymnastics for the toddler boy in our house who uses the coffee table as his gymnastic equipment.

Thursday was an open night, that's a good time from school/work standpoint, and both kids could do an activity at the same time. There's just one problem now.

Group Step.

For the past two Thursdays I've taken the step aerobics class at 5:30. The first class kicked my butt--it was complicated and exhausting, but I did it. Last night, it was still hard but I'm getting better, and I really liked how tired I was afterwards. Plus, the Fridays after I've had big losses. Coincidence? Could be, but who am I to mess with the scale goddess?

So the thing about this class is-- it's only one of two aerobics classes I can take. The rest of the classes are at wrong times or are weight lifting, and I want to do this Thursday class so I can keep up the variety and intensity of my workouts.

In the past, I have sacrificed for my family, putting myself last. In the past, I'd have signed up Sophie for the 5:30 Thursday class regardless of what I had going on.

Something's happening with me, that I don't want to just GIVE UP what makes me feel good.

So my daughter will probably take the Monday at 4:30 class, and my son won't take a class at all(he's only 18 months, there's lots of time). I'll have to leave the office earlier, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. :)

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Day 75

The scale's jumped a wee bit - to 183.2. I have to admit it's disappointing, but it's that mind game the scale likes to play with me.

I've started the Take Off plan today-- 32 oz Take Off juice, 6 oz protein, 1 c cooked veggies, 2 LA Lites, lots of water, that's it! I'll repeat that diet again tomorrow. It should jump start my loss into the 170s.

Yesterday I ran for 15 minutes straight @ 5.0 mph. A total of 3 miles in 42 minutes. The last .15 miles I ran at 5.7 mph, which was tough. But I felt great afterwards. Tonight I'm doing step aerobics.

It's busy at work, so nothing more to post now.