Sunday, December 31, 2006

Why can't I.....

...get it together enough to stay on a plan? I know why-- it's all the stress of work, family, our office move and the financial implications, the uncertainties of business, Mark's stress, the kids being sick, me being sick, the holidays. I'm self medicating the stress with food.

And I'm tracking towards 200 pounds again. My clothes don't fit. I'm miserable. This has got to stop.

If only I can give myself 3 hours a week to exercise. 3 days a week to eat right. It would be a good start. But is that possible? I feel so drained, so empty, and food is the only thing that fills me up.

I know this is temporary, but until it ends I will continue to be a slave to food. I need to find some resolve that Anne talks about over on AFG. Where did I put it? Maybe it's hidden at the bottom of my closet.

Monday, December 25, 2006


It's been here and gone. In typical fashion it was hectic and a tad stressful, but I really enjoyed our kids this year. Sophie was so cute and excited about Santa. Luke was a hoot with how he was into everything *but* his presents. Mark has had a hard time with the holidays, since it's the first of them without his mom. She's noticeably absent and I even miss her. She'd have loved the Tickle Me Elmo we got Luke, and she always got Sophie such sweet gifts.

So, diet wise--HA! Now that Christmas is over and I have no more excuses to eat, I suppose I have to get back on the wagon. It's gonna be tough with the work stress and family stress. Where am I gonna get my comfort? Who's gonna be my best friend, if I don't have comfy soft foods to eat? Gotta change my mind set, I know. First thing is to get back to the gym. That will help things fall back into place.

A big shout out to Vickie! You are so sweet to check in on me and to let me know you're out there. You are why I posted tonight. I am blessed to have you in my life and hope to have time to learn from you and your successes.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

A different approach

So, the no flour/sugar/fat thing lasted for, oh, about a day and a half. Whatever. What did I expect, truly?

Then, through the wonder that is Amazon's referrals, I found a book called "Life is Hard, Food is Easy" by Linda Spangle. I've only read the intro and first chapter, but it has helped.

Obviously I'm an emotional eater. This is not news. How to identify the feelings and the types of food I want to eat based on those feelings, that is new. Head hunger (stress, work) = crunchy foods--I want to "chew" on the person/situation that is getting to me. Heart hunger (empty, lonely, unloved) = soft comfort foods-- these are truly my drug of choice (cake and icecream).

I've stopped and thought for the past couple of days about what I'm feeling and WHY when I've gotten the urge to eat. I've allowed myself to explore the feelings instead of stuffing them down with food. I've lost 2.5 pounds (down from 194 to 191.5).

Methinks there's something to this, if only I'll allow myself to feel the feelings instead of stuffing them down, maybe my waistline will come back. More to come......

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Day 1

Today is day 1 of no sugar/flour/fat food. No binge. No stuffing down emotions with food. No eating after dinner. No donuts.

Weight today was 192. It's time to get serious and reverse this weight gain. I'm actually hungry right now, which means my body is finally burning some of this fat. I will go to bed a little hungry and burn some fat while I sleep, and wake up hungry for the first time in months.

One day at a time.

Monday, November 27, 2006

From AFG blog:
"Refined carbohydrates -- all sugars, all oils, all flours -- increase the production of serotonin (the body's chemical calmers and pain relievers that make us feel secure and OK) and endorphins (the chemical uppers that make us feel good -- and makes us want to eat). As well, compulsive eaters often have more or less than normal amounts of enkephalin and leptins, chemicals that stimulate appetite and tell us when we're full.I'm going to spare my own brain chemicals in trying to make all these -ins understandable. The long and the short of it is that the brain, Bartley Hoebel, a psychology professor at Princeton, reacts to sugar the way it does to cocaine and heroine."

I knew this about sugars already. I had read it before in Frances' book and others. But reading this just now reminds me that I am a full fledged addict. My brain is craving sugar and flour and fat to sooth my pain, just like a heroine addict's body craves the needle.

I'm at a scary place again, and I don't like it. I ate an entire box of powdered sugar donuts today. I am numb right now after finishing it off and washing those little suckers down with a glass of cold milk. The numbness is welcome. My tight waistband is not. I can't imagine being abstinent right now, though. I need the numbness so desparately. Finding a way to relieve the pain without using food needs to be my priority if I want to avoid gaining more weight back.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

The Holidays

It's that time of year. We put up the Christmas tree and decorations yesterday, and it is so cozy and festive in the family room. Sophie loves it, and I really do to.

Food wise I am a complete mess. So too with exercise. Only once or twice a week do I manage to get any walking/running in. My shin is so sore from Thursday's walk/run that I can't imagine working out on it again until it heals. The scale is finally going up, too, to reflect my behavior. I've really got to get it under control before I grow out of my clothes again.

It's that time of year. When I'm stressed, emotional, busy busy busy, and should be nothing but happy. I will take it a day at a time for now, and figure out how to make it back to a healthy way of life. Maybe after the holidays....

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

For crying out loud

Golly, it's been a long time since I've journaled here. Mostly because I've not been paying any attention to myself, in a good way. I've had to give to my family, which is okay when they need me. And I've just not had the energy for myself.

At least that's my excuse.

At any rate, now that Mark has decided he's taking control of his health, has cut out his terrible habits and is hopefully conquering his itching/reactions, I feel like I can focus on me again.

So yesterday I went and joined the gym next to the office. And worked out. And worked out again today. 6 miles on the treadmill already this week. And running for 3 minutes at a time (at 5 mph no less). And food on plan.

Two days held together. Can it go on longer? For crying out loud, it freakin' better!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

So much to do....

So little motivation. All I want to do is focus on diet and exercise. If I could quit work and hire a housekeeper, a nanny, and a surrogate wife for my husband, I could get this weight off in no time. But life ain't like that, is it? I feel so behind in everything. Work, lots to do not enough motivation to get it moving. Home, oy. What a mess. Kids, thank God, are doing well and are bathed and fed adequately, and loved on extensively. Food and exercise, not so great.

Diet is better today. Go foods, no stop foods, and it's almost bedtime and I haven't overindulged. Exercise is not getting the time I need to put in, but I'm showing up at least. For reasons beyond my control, only have done 15-20 minutes the past two days. I want to RUN so badly I can taste it. But my quad is not ready. I've got to be patient.

Tonight I spent about 45 minutes cleaning the dining room and Sophie's room. That's my new tactic for the house. A little each night. That's the best I can do right now. And that'll have to do.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Plastic surgery.... for me?

So my husband's 25th High School class reunion was this past Saturday. The women, most of them, looked amazing. A lot of them have had some type of plastic surgery, most notably boob jobs.

I've never been a plastic surgery snob, and think it's okay if it's not Michael Jackson crazy extreme. I had several "skinny bitch" moments at the reunion, then learned that a lot of these women have been divorced, have growing/grown kids, and probably ONLY have their looks to keep them happy (whatever that means for them).

After my disappointment with not being able to wear my gorgeous black dress because of the muffin top, and after seeing the handiwork of Evansville's finest plastic surgeons, I had to wonder--would I have surgery to get my body into better shape in my 40s?


I talked with my husband about it this morning. Granted, he was drowsy from being up until 5 a.m., but he said if I wanted to get lipo on my stomach and get my mommy breasts lifted, I can.

Holy cow. Just the idea is scary and exciting.

Who knows if we'll have the money 4 years from now. Who knows if I'll even need it after I get to my goal weight. But the idea of the possibility is tantalizing.

I've never had perky boobs. Okay, maybe when I was 10 and had breast buds (TMI, sorry!). But I've always had big ones and even when I was a 34C they were ample. This is not a bad thing, I just don't want to have National Geographic boobs in my 40s and 50s when the rest of me could conceivably look pretty good.

And my stomach, oy. I can live with curvy hips. Been doing that my whole life. But this spare tire of baby fat has got to go. If a reasonable amount of exercise and weight loss doesn't do it, I'm afraid it's SCHHHLLOOOOP of the belly fat on the operating table.

We'll see. It's too soon to get serious about it. But it's out there now. Perhaps it will be my 40th birthday present.

Personal transformation takes a long time and a lot of work.

Measurements, the Scale, and Clothing Sizes

So clothing sizes are not reliable for how much thinner we are becoming, at least that's what I'm gathering from others. My recent success with size 14s, although I am excited about it, is probably rather meaningless. Apparently the clothing companies are giving in to our expanding bodies and fragile egos and moving sizes down a notch. My 14s are likely really 16s. Whatever.

The scale isn't lying (for the most part). It's fickle, but a pound is still a pound. Right?!?!?! Despite all the ignorant talk at WW meetings I overhear, that a pound of muscle weighs more than a pound of fat. Whaaaat? It's semantics, I suppose, but it niggles at me and I so want to correct these women when I hear it, but let it pass. I learned back in grade school that a pound is a pound, from the old joke "which weighs more a pound of feathers or a pound of rocks?" Muscle is denser than fat, which is what they really mean.

Anyway, I took my measurements today. In total, I've lost another 3 inches in just over a month. That's almost 10 inches in 11 weeks. I remember reading who-knows-where that one pound lost will equal one inch lost. Not one inch in a specific spot, but one inch all added up when added from everywhere you measure.

Between the compliments, the scale, the tape measure, the clothes shopping on the "normal" side of the store, and being able to climb stairs holding Sophie without wanting to die, I am doing pretty well. As long as the ice cream stays out of the house, I think I can keep this thing up.

And, all you AFG's, thank you so much for reading my blog and checking in on me. Lori, Jen, and A.J., thank you all especially for the comments. Love you guys!

Personal transformation takes a long time and a lot of work.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

New Size, New Attitude

OMG, I can wear a size 14 from Dress Barn. I am so excited. I have a whole new attitude today since this tremendous event happened. I don't want dessert, I want to run till I pass out, I don't want ice cream, I want to go to the gym and work my butt off. Size 14 is AVERAGE. It's not OBESE any more. I was a size 18 a mere 9 months ago. I am so pumped!

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Been a long time

It's been ages since I've been here. I have a lot to say, but so little time since it's after 10:30 p.m. First and foremost on my mind, I have continued to run and am in week 8 of my training program. Ran 2.25 miles today in 28 minutes. Simply beyond belief that I can run at all, let alone that long. True, I'm slower than a snail, but hey my feet are moving, I'm sweating, and by golly I can call myself a runner.

And I'm losing weight. Down to 195 now (on my scale as soon as I wake up). That's 4 pounds in one month, which is fabulous, esp. considering I was on vacation a mere 3 weeks ago. I could have chucked it all after the dinners and desserts I had in the Smokies.

Work...oy. Gotta get some biddness in.

Kids... wonderful angels they are. Poor Sophie with swimmer's ear. Darling Luke getting so big and ready to crawl if only he could get up on his knees and move them forward. Sophie went to bed at 7:30 tonight and fell asleep without me there! Luke fell asleep in his crib after only a few minutes crying. Both of them were out by 7:40. Wow wow wow.

Mark.... stressed over work. He's a mess. I want to help, I need to help in the office more. God is going to have to intervene on this one. I just don't have the strength.

I need to sleep. Has to be an early a.m. tomorrow. I am so thankful for my Amazon/Fat Girlz friends and for the coolrunning website. And for treadmills at the Y. When this heat ends, I swear I'll do an outside run. Maybe in November....

Personal transformation takes a long time and a lot of work.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Good Day

Made it to WW to weigh in, even though I couldn't stay for the meeting b/c I had both kids with me. But I lost 1 pound, so I'm officially UNDER 200 on the WW scale. I weighed 199 today. Points drop to 24, which is fine since I've been eating at 24 for a week since my scale's been under 200 for a while.

Made it to the Gym today. I ran for 25 FULL minutes with no walking. I slowed my pace to 4.5 mph to make sure I got it all in without having to walk. And I did it. The whole time I ran at 4.5 MPH. I felt great during and afterward. I really really feel like a runner now.

Kids calling, dinner to help cook. More later......

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


It's been a while since I've journaled here. Lately I've been feeling way strung out, too many family illnesses, too many functions, too many people, too much, too much.

It's all caught up today. Last night was a very late night with fireworks (should not have done that), and baby was exhausted and daughter woke up sick this morning. Husband also has a stomach/intestinal thing, so we are all home today (except baby, I took him to day care). I am so out of sorts. Slept for about 4 hour nap. Haven't tracked food yesterday or today. No running for me today. No working either.

I don't have a solution yet, just complaints. Hoping to get a shower (it's 4 p.m. and I haven't even done that yet), go get the baby, and start fresh tonight with some non-crazy house cleaning or laundry and get ready for tomorrow. IF daughter is well. IF I don't get sick (as if that's allowed). IF baby stays healthy (please God).

Wednesday, June 21, 2006


Yesterday I ran for a total of 16 minutes. Walked 14 minutes. I am a RUNNER. Not fast, 5.0 mph run. But a runner nonetheless. Two 5 minute blocks of running at 5.0 mph. Two 3 minute blocks. Unbelievable that I am a runner.

Next week, I will be running for 20 minutes, as long as I keep on course. I WILL stay the course.


Binging on my Mind

So this week I've had two days of bad binges. These things perpetuate themselves. Just when I think I have control, I don't. When I think it's stopped, it hasn't. Even though I worked out at lunch, my evening went to hell and I comforted myself in food. I ate well during the day, veggies and fruit. Then the evening comes and my demons take over.

Has it stopped now? I am afraid to know the truth. I refuse to quit this new lifestyle of eating veggies and fruit, counting Points, learning how to run. I AM GOING TO LOSE 60 POUNDS BEFORE I'M 40. Why can't this thought be there and the determination save me at 1 a.m. when I'm rooting through the kitchen cupboards? My food demons take over, moving me in directions I don't truly want to go, but have gone so many times before.

My scale is at 201 today. I should be happy it's not more. Deep breath, back on plan. Tomorrow is official weigh in day. I will be successful today.

Staying home, metal health day off of work. About 5 more hours to myself..... Ah, heaven.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

the week and weekend

Tonight we went to the drive in, and I planned a movie candy and popcorn treat, and stuck to my plan. Had enough points to not dip into the extras. Woohoo!

I worked out today, day 3 of 3rd week of running program. At the end of the workout, I ran for 2.5 minutes @ 4.7 mph. Thats the longest I've jogged. It felt great.

Wanted to do yoga tomorrow at 9 a.m. but kids didn't get to sleep until almost 11 pm. and I'm still awake after midnight.... so I'm guessing we're all going to be too tired to be up and somewhere at 9 a.m.

Falling asleep now.... Will write more tomorrow.

personal transformation takes a long time and a lot of work.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

2 hours and 15 minutes to myself

Tonight I got to go jogging/walking for 20 minutes AND took a 90 minute (NINETY MINUTES!) Yoga class. Mark kept the kids, even picked them up at day care and took them with him to the gym while he worked out. I didn't realize the yoga class was 90 instead of 60 minutes, had no watch on or clock in the yoga studio, so I had no idea until I was in the lobby after class that it was 7:45 p.m. As I was checking out, my cell phone rang. It was my husband wanting to know how soon I'd be home. But I wasn't annoyed b/c I had a great class and had been by myself, out of the office since 5:30 pm. For 2 hours and 15 minutes. It was heavenly.

Yoga was hard, but I did better than I thought I would. Depressing to see all the belly fat--where did that come from? I'm used to the big behind, have had it even at my thinnest, but my stomach looks 3 months pregnant. Getting older, babies, no muscle tone--I suppose this makes for a pudgy tummy. I want it gone.

So, keeping on track for today.

Personal transformation takes a long time and a lot of work.

At Last!

The scale finally moved in the right direction this morning. 202. Down 4 lbs from Saturday. I knew I was retaining water, but it helps so much to see the confirmation of it on the scale. If I can hold it, then I'll be down about 4 lbs for the 4 weeks with WW. I can definitely handle that. That's 52 pounds a year.

What's my ultimate goal weight? I'd love to be down to 135, but even at my thinnest at age 23 I was 145. Can I get to 135 in my late 30s? I have absolutely no idea. At this point, I'd be thrilled to get into a size 12 in regular clothing stores and never have to shop at fat girl stores again. That's my goal for the end of 2006--to be a size 12. That might be aggressive, and if I end up at a loose 14 by Christmas, that's okay too. By next summer, I want to be a size 12. Then by Christmas of 2007 I want to be a size 10.... by 2008, a size 8. I think these are numbers and time frames that are attainable.

More goals--I want to run a 5K this fall. There are plenty in the area, and I am going to sign up for one and DO IT! Not sure I'll ever run a marathon, but I could perhaps do the 1/2 marathon in Evansville next year.....

Today is day 2 of week 2 of 5k program. I want to start yoga, but not sure if that will happen today or not.

Happy to be making positive progress.


Tuesday, June 06, 2006


I want to lose this weight faster. My net loss at WW is 2.2 pounds. Friday weigh in, and I pray I have lost, otherwise it will be 2.? pounds in one month. Discouraging. Better than a gain, but still frustrating.

Tomorrow is jog/walk day #2 of week 2. Looking forward to it. I also want to try Yoga at 6:15 p.m., and hope I have enough energy to do both activities in one day.

I love my Amazon Women and the gifts we girls give each other every day in our thoughts and posts.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Today's weight

Day 12 on WW. My scale: 205, down .5 from yesterday. Feeling good on WW points. Sticking to it. Did first day of walk/jog yesterday... from the couch to 5K plan. THAT felt great.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


Today I woke up with a scratchy throat and sinus yuckiness. Now I feel positively crummy. I slept late and didn't get to work until 11:30. While home in the shower, I had a mini breakdown. I had eaten 12 donut holes and felt like crap, depressed that I was going to be late for work again. Depressed that I was fat, weighing 207... up 4 pounds in a few weeks. Depressed because I'm depressed. I think the zoloft switch to lexapro is messing with me.

I recognized that I just wanted to bury my feelings today. While in the shower, I thought if only I could shop online or in a catalog, I'll feel better. I had already eaten donuts and had coffee, so didn't want more food. But shopping would help. I didn't buy anything, but realizing it didn't really help either.

I'm just such a mess. I get myself ready for work and get the kids going, but I feel like a total fraud, so incapable of anything. WHY? Why can't I be normal? I don't want to be like this anymore.

Tonight I ate 4 cookies and raw cookie dough out of the fridge, after a cheeseburger and shake. Yesterday we had pizza and cookies. Junk food junkies. This has got to stop. I just don't know how to make it stop.


So I started this b/c another friend had a blog and I wanted to post a comment. Not sure how active I'll be here, but I love the idea of an online journal. This may be the only way I keep a journal on a regular basis. We'll see. Off to work!