Today I woke up with a scratchy throat and sinus yuckiness. Now I feel positively crummy. I slept late and didn't get to work until 11:30. While home in the shower, I had a mini breakdown. I had eaten 12 donut holes and felt like crap, depressed that I was going to be late for work again. Depressed that I was fat, weighing 207... up 4 pounds in a few weeks. Depressed because I'm depressed. I think the zoloft switch to lexapro is messing with me.
I recognized that I just wanted to bury my feelings today. While in the shower, I thought if only I could shop online or in a catalog, I'll feel better. I had already eaten donuts and had coffee, so didn't want more food. But shopping would help. I didn't buy anything, but realizing it didn't really help either.
I'm just such a mess. I get myself ready for work and get the kids going, but I feel like a total fraud, so incapable of anything. WHY? Why can't I be normal? I don't want to be like this anymore.
Tonight I ate 4 cookies and raw cookie dough out of the fridge, after a cheeseburger and shake. Yesterday we had pizza and cookies. Junk food junkies. This has got to stop. I just don't know how to make it stop.