Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Day 251 - 152.4 Goal by 12/31???

Holding steady in the 152s--woohoo! Official weigh in today at LAWL was 153.6, so I'm only 8.6 pounds from goal. My loss for October was only 1.4 pounds--the least amount in any month since I started this in February--but considering the stress eating and lack of exercise for the almost 2 weeks of Sophie's dizzy episode, I'm thankful for the 1.4 pounds. Better than a gain, better than just maintaining. I'll take it.

So that leaves me in a contemplative state on this last 8ish pounds. If I'm really good and really paying attention to what I eat, and keep running 4-5 days a week, I think it's possible to lose 8 pounds by the end of the year. I *hate* putting time limits on losses now, because I don't want to set myself up to fail and be all depressed about not hitting a time goal (been there, done that, it sucks).

That said, I still am gonna strive for a 1 pound a week loss for November and December, and shoot for weighing 145 by December 31, 2007. If I don't make it, so what. If I do, then we'll all have a party at my house, 'kay?!

Yesterday's run was 4.5 miles, shy of my planned 5. I have lots of excuses--didn't map it out so didn't have a planned course, forgot my stop watch and used my cell phone to track my time which threw me off time wise, and just didn't feel it the entire run--but the bottom line is I was PMS'y and tired and was lucky I got in the miles I did. The weather was perfect, and it was a shame I didn't have a better run mentally. We all have off days, and that's what yesterday was for me. Oh well, that's life. Today is a new day and the weather is perfect again, so I've got a second chance to make it better.

Trick or Treating with the kiddos tonight. This is the 3rd time they'll be dressed up in their costumes. And the 3rd time they've collected candy. And the 3rd time they will beg "please can I have one more piece of candy?!" And the 3rd time I'll say yes and feel guilty because I let my kids eat too much junk. I am so ready for this holiday to be over. Bring on Christmas baby! hahahahahahaha

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Day 250 - 152.6

Not much to report, other than I'm at a "mile marker" day--one that ends in a five and a zero. And I'm back down into the 152's, which is a sweet place to be.

No running yesterday. Sophie's pediatrician appointment (which went fine--no new answers, those will hopefully come on Nov. 7 with the neurologist) at 3:15 p.m. threw out my plans for running, and even though I'd psyched myself up for a run after the kids were in bed, it just didn't happen. I still lay down with my 6 year old to help her sleep (it's the best part of my day--I'm not giving it up until she does!), and by 8:30 I was asleep with her. So much for night running.

Food was good yesterday and I kept my calories at 1510. Hoping for a repeat of that today.

It's a gorgeous fall day, and will be in the upper 60s, maybe 70 by my 4 pm running time. I'm planning on a five miler.

I got the Afterburn program yesterday, and have briefly looked through it. It's not written for newbie weight lifters, so I'm gonna have to get a "Weight Lifting for Dummies" book to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. He has pictures and instructions, but uses terms that I'm not familiar with. I really want to start lifting weights--Nancy was talking about it in her post on Monday 10/29, so I know the universe is prompting me in this direction. Gotta get something going on that front, sooner or later.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Day 249 - 153.6 Halloween Pics

80s Night and Fred & Wilma

We had a lot of fun at our parties, and the costume crisis with Wilma wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The Assets undies helped tame my behind a lot, and I found some dress tape at Target to tape my bra down on the sleeveless side. The wig I found on Saturday for Wilma was perfect, and several people (that I hadn't met before the party) thought it was my real hair, so it was a really good wig (for the low low price of $19.99). All in all, I was actually pretty pleased with how I looked both nights and was comfortable in my skin and enjoyed myself thoroughly (but really cold as Wilma--we took off our flip flops and went barefoot at the party...brrrr! It was kind of gross, actually, since I could feel every "party foul" drink spillage on the carpet and tile).

We had fun, but we were exhausted yesterday. Two late nights in a row for us old fogies is enough to do us in. Friday night we got in at 1:30 a.m., and Saturday it was midnight. Thankfully the kids slept unbelievably late Saturday morning (8 a.m.!) and we were up Sunday at 7, so it could have been worse, but I am not a late night person anymore.

Friday afternoon I got in my longest run yet-- 6.3 miles in 69 minutes. It was amazing to hit mile 4 and finally hit a groove. I had planned on running 5, but felt so good I made another lap around the neighborhood. The weather was perfect, and I really could have kept going another mile or so if it wasn't for needing to get home for the party.

Food was horrible all weekend. I don't know what it was--PMS or the tiredness or what, but I ate anything and everything. Thankfully it hasn't caught up with me yet, and I know a couple off days aren't going to kill me, just slow down my progress. It's no wonder everyone complains about the last 10 pounds. But my last 10 pounds aren't coming off right now because I'm not trying that hard.

I haven't read any more of Precision Nutrition, and won't be starting that this week. I probably will do a modified version of it anyway, since I'm still under LA Weight Loss officially and want to try to stick to their program somewhat. I don't mean to be so wishy washy, but I'm kind of in a funk, food-wise. I guess it's the time of year or my lackadaisical attitude or something. Who knows. I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Day 246 - 152.8 Halloween costumes & Progress Pic

I love seeing those numbers go down. I know such a big drop is from glycogen/water loss, since I didn't work out yesterday and I ate really well and wasn't retaining water. But it's good to see the numbers going down again.

My husband decided he wanted to buy costumes for our party on Saturday night, instead of wearing our Lord & Lady Getups. He picked out Fred & Wilma Flintstone. So I said, "Yeah sure" when I looked over Wilma's costume on his computer screen on Monday night, after a long day and the last thing I wanted to do was discuss costumes. I figured, hey I'm finally small enough I can wear a cheapo-yet-stupidly-expensive costume out of a cellophane bag that I've not tried on beforehand, so Okay.

Holy crap. The Wilma dress is made of white, thin fabric and only has one shoulder covered. I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I said okay to this. I do not want to buy a strapless bra just for Halloween, so I'm going to have to sticky tape (somehow) my bra cup to my boob on the strapless side. Thankfully, it fit me but it's so see-through that I can't wear anything under it (other than an Assets pantie, because as God is my witness I am NOT just wearing a thong under that thing. Besides, my saddlebags are still too bad and pooch out even with a girdle-y thing under it--dammit).

I am such a mess. I'm thrilled I can wear something that says "size 6 - 12," but it really sucks to have lost all this weight and still feel fat wearing this costume. It's not snug on me anywhere but on my hopelessly hippy ass, so I suppose I should be happy about it. But I'm not.

All the more motivation to get on board with Precision Nutrition, which I'm in the thick of reading about. To lose fat, it's a pretty strict carb-controlled diet. With, get this, VEGGIES AT EVERY MEAL! No kidding. 10-15 servings of veggies a day. Oh. My. I've got a lot more to read and am not starting it until next week. I'm impressed with his writing (I'm a sucker for someone who can write well and knows how to - mostly - use a semicolon) and the nutrition info is sound. He's also into long term results and has a no BS attitude about what it takes to change your body.

Back to Halloween--we have a party tonight where it's 80s themed. This costume involves a long black sleeveless angora sweater with a huge silver belt that I got at Plato's Closet (meaning, they are actually from this decade) and authentic 80s green plaid stirrup pants from my girlfriend who evidently never throws out anything. (She's a high school English teacher and has a costume closet, partially supplied with her decades-old clothes.) I'm gonna make my hair really big and wear lace fingerless gloves and big earrings and loud makeup. It's gonna be so much fun. This costume actually looks good on me, and I was happy to find the "Forever 21" sweater in a size M that fit me, and with a belt. Woohoo, bring back the 80s! (not)

Most of you are fans of Wendy, so y'all likely know this already... but be sure to go wish her Good Luck for Sunday's Marine Corp Marathon. She's totally gonna rock the race, and positive vibes from her fans can't do anything but help. GO WENDY! GO WENDY! GO WENDY!

Sophie Update: She's still doing okay. She was tired at school yesterday and she said she got some dizzy shivers (not full blown dizzyness but I guess she feels waves of something go through her). This morning, not one complaint at all. She is still so bloated and even achy from the prednisone. We met with her teacher yesterday at the P/T conference, and she had nothing but lovely things to say about her. Sophie is apparently a little mother hen to her classmates (wonder where she gets that from?) and intuitively knows what other kids need when they need it. But since she's been back after being sick, that part of her is missing. She's had to work hard to catch up on the work she's missed, and she's just not herself in class, Mrs. K. said. It made me proud and sad at the same time. Our little girl is such a special soul, and we've just got to get her better. We're done with prednisone Monday, but I think the effects last for several days after she's off it. We'll find out more at her Pediatrician appointment Monday afternoon.

UPDATE: I added a progress pic, at 155 pounds, taken by Sophie last Saturday.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Day 245 - 153.8

Made it outside to run yesterday. It was windy and cloudy and in the 50s, and I felt rain drops a few times but the sky never did open up on me. I was glad, because I think being wet in the 50s with a pretty strong wind would have made me fairly uncomfortable. I wore my new long sleeved t-shirt and long pants from Champion I got from Target, and they kept me warm but not too warm. 4 miles in just over 44 minutes.

I even had a good food day and no eating last night, which I haven't managed to accomplish in ages. I stopped eating at 7 p.m., and kept myself busy with getting the kids to bed, doing laundry, having a facial mask, and polishing my nails to try to stop the food frenzy, and it worked. At 9 p.m. I sat down with DH to watch a History Channel program on Teddy Roosevelt (wow, he was a dynamo, I had no idea) and made a cup of Celestial Seasonings Cinnamon Apple Spice hot tea. The tea really helped ease my craving of having something before bed. I'll have to use this little trick more often.

No run today. We have Sophie's teacher conference at 4:30 and I'm just planning a day off from running. I've gotten 11 miles in so far this week and plan on at least 2 more runs, so this is shaping up to be my longest mileage week yet.

I won't get my Precision Nutrition stuff for another 3-5 days, according to the email letting me know it's shipped. Bummer. I was hoping to be able to read through everything this weekend. Oh well, good things come to those who wait, and all that jazz.

***UPDATE*** My Precision Nutrition stuff just arrived! Talk about service. I can't wait to read up on it and let you all know what I think. The funniest thing... a "bonus" item in the package? A pair of fat calipers. I'm a little scared now!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Day 244 - 154.6 Tready and I are friends again & Some new programs

The treadmill and I made up yesterday. I sang this little song to Dear Tready while I ran:

Jack Ingram, "We're all in this together"
We're all in this together,
Whether we like it or not.
So we might as well have a good time
With the little bit of time we got.
Life's too short to fuss and fight
So we might as well be friends.
'Cause we're all in this together
Together till the bitter end.

And it wasn't so bitter yesterday. I ran 4 miles in 44:03. I varied the pace a TON, walking some, running slow some, and bookin' it the last mile. I decided in mile 3 that I'd try to beat my best 4 mile time (didn't happen but I still tried till the end), and so I pushed hard that mile. The last .3 miles I ran a 9:17 pace, which is super fast for me and I was ready to throw up (not really, but it sounds dramatic, eh?) by the time I slammed my fist down on the STOP button at mile 4.

Today we've got some sunshine and I'm hoping it stays around for my run this afternoon. If not, I'll be back on Tready having a big ole time.

My diet? Um, it's been so so. I did much better yesterday, but still had a Take 5 at night (damn those candy makers! I'm a sucker for pretzels and caramel and chocolate, oh my!). It was the last one in the house, so at least that's done.

Yesterday I ordered a new nutrition package, called Precision Nutrition. I just feel like I need to shake it up and do something MORE to get these last pounds off.

I got the link from Skwigg, who I found from Debbie, and OMG I totally want Skwigg's body. Not in a lesbian kind of way (not that there's anything wrong with that), but in a covetous and a "how can I look like that too?" way. So I bit the bullet and bought the program and can't wait for it to arrive. I LOVE books and reading up on nutrition stuff, and the food Skwigg eats is totally what I love (she can't cook--neither can I--so I know that's not a big requirement for this PN program, which is a huge plus). I will of course keep you all posted on how it goes.

I also bought Afterburn, which Skwigg recommends for workouts. I know, I know. I'm getting a bit obsessive. To be fair, I was planning on getting a personal training package at the gym once they reopened the normal facility, so I could start lifting weights and boosting my metabolism. That was gonna cost 100s of dollars, so Afterburn I figure is a bargain (as long as I do it, of course). Skwigg's results are phenomenal.

If I've learned anything about myself these past several months, it's that I can accomplish amazing things that surprise even me. Last year at this time, who'd have thought I could run 5 miles? Or that I'd be 50 pounds lighter? Certainly not me. Last year I was a mess. So, if I've decided I'm gonna get muscled and buff and lose this freaking belly fat, then by golly that's what's gonna happen.

Happy Hump Day friends!

Sophie update: She rode the school bus today! Not one iota of dizziness when she woke up. She fell asleep last night at 7:30 and slept the entire night until 7 a.m this morning, when she woke up by herself and felt completely fine. All is right with the world.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Running on the Treadmill and Death by Chocolate

So I made it to the gym yesterday, even though I didn't wanna. After running outside for weeks, I now know why it's called the dreadmill. I did 3 miles in 36:16, and the last mile I alternated between running really fast (9 min miles) and walking. I wanted to run fast just so I could get it over with.

Positives About the Gym:
1) No rain pounding on my head while running
2) There are fans to keep me cool
3) I can pee right before and after I run
4) Free bottled water from the cooler
5) Instant feedback from the treadmill (it was interesting to learn that my natural pace is 10:30, even though I get tired after about a mile and have to walk a bit)

Negatives About the Gym:
1) I ran 3 miles but didn't go anywhere
2) Someone near me had gas... 'Nuf said
3) The temporary gym location has no TV's
4) No sunshine to tan my legs and arms (okay, there was no sunshine outside either, but still...)
5) I ran 3 miles but didn't go anywhere

There's more rain today and it's cold (mid 50s), so I'll be going back there this afternoon, dammit. And I need to do 4 miles today. I don't have proper rain running gear or cold weather running clothes yet, so I see a trip to the sporting goods store in my near future (**what do I need to wear in the rain? please tell me what to buy!**). If you runners like the rain so much, I'm gonna have to try it myself.

I had a decent food day until last night. Sophie got some chocolate candy at a class party yesterday, and of course I had to have a bite. That set off a terrible domino effect that just went on all night. I will spare you the food porn, but let's just say if it was chocolate and in my house, I ate it. I stopped counting calories after I hit about 600. And I purposely avoided the scale this morning because I knew I was bloated and didn't want the negative feed back from the scale to bring me down even more.

Today is a new day, back on plan. But DAMN THAT CANDY! Halloween is gonna be the death of me.

I'm on track right now to lose absolutely no weight in the month of October. I was 155 at the start, and I'm likely gonna be 155 at the end. It will be my first month with no net loss, if my pattern holds. Granted, I still have a week to go, so I could pull out maybe a pound loss. But not with my track record currently. With all that's been going on, I suppose I should be grateful I haven't gained. I don't feel very grateful about anything lately.

Update on Sophie-- she made it to school again today, although she's still not riding the bus because she's dizzy in the mornings for about 30-60 minutes after she gets out of bed. Last night she woke up at 3 a.m. to pee, and then couldn't go back to sleep. We laid in her bed for an hour, and then I put her out of her misery and let her watch TV in our room. At 6 a.m. she was still awake. The prednisone messes with her sleep badly. Thankfully we're down to 1 tsp a day starting today, and maybe that will help. I took her to her classroom this morning and told her teacher about her lack of sleep. It's not a big deal if a Kindergartner falls asleep in class, which is a blessed thing.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Day 242 - 154.2 Back to Normal (with fingers crossed)

Sophie's back in school today, with a touch of dizziness when she wakes up and she's tentative for about an hour, walking slowly and ready for the dizziness to hit. But she did okay when I took her to school (she's still not ready to ride the bus yet). And the school hasn't called, so I'm assuming she's okay.

She had a good weekend--on Saturday the dizziness was gone by 11 a.m., and on Sunday by 8:30 a.m. Saturday afternoon we all drove up to Lincoln State Park, where her best friend's parents were camping and invited us up for her friend's birthday party and to Trick or Treat around the camp ground. There are hundreds of people there who decorate their campers and camp sites more so than most people do their homes. It was a blast! Luke was a clown (fitting for his personality) and he really got into it once he realized what was going on. Sophie was a Snow Fairy and just beautiful (even though, poor thing, her cheeks are puffy like a chipmunk--you would not believe how quickly the prednisone has bloated her body. Thank God she's not aware of it and at age 6, isn't that conscious of that type of thing). She and her friend enjoyed each other so much. It was nice to see her having some fun after being sick for two weeks.

Last night I finally got to run again. I went out at 8 p.m. and did 4 miles in just over 46 minutes. Pretty slow, but I expected it since I've been out of the habit for a week and a half. My eating has improved slightly, but it was littered with Halloween candy all weekend and not enough fruits and veggies. At least my weight is back under 155 again.

It's raining here today, so it may be the treadmill this afternoon. I'm not sure I'm ready to run in the rain, with having to pick up the kids after I run. Can you imagine having me soaked like a wet rat, with mascara running down my face and my hairsprayed hair all matted and gross, walking into Sophie's school? Talk about scary Halloween costumes!

Hope to have continued good news tomorrow. Y'all have a great week.

Friday, October 19, 2007

We had a good night

Sophie started feeling better around 3 p.m. today. She was walking and playing with my Mom, and I got home at 4 and she was doing okay, with only a once-in-a-while feeling of dizziness.

I took her to Target to spend her Medicine Money (we are paying her $5 per teaspoon of her prednisone--it tastes like poison, and the bribe was my husband's inspired idea. It worked--she takes it now without crying and pitching a fit, with a chocolate milk chaser, of course). And she was fine the whole time in Target, walked around and had fun buying new stuffed animals. It was like Christmas when we got home with all her loot.

And we got together with our church friends tonight, for one of the kid's 4th birthdays, and she did fine the entire night. Not one complaint of dizziness and she was running around and having a big ole time.

I am holding my breath that she's really turned the corner this time.

This is the way it runs its course--she'll have good nights, then be dizzy in the morning, until finally no more dizziness when she wakes up and we know it's over.

I hope to have good news to report Saturday morning.


Sophie was dizzy yesterday afternoon around 5 when I picked her up from school day care. She was dizzy most of night, and is dizzy again today. It's day 11.

The doctor said to watch her over the weekend and call back Monday. I'm not ready to check her into the hospital yet, but we're close. She's eating and drinking and only dizzy when she tries to walk. And she's not vomiting, or dizzy when she lies down. She's been on prednisone for 4 days--it's starting to make her face puffy--and I would have thought it would work by now if it was going to.

It's just too long.

I got a taste of normalcy yesterday, and got to run almost 3 miles. It was heaven.

Unfortunately, the last 5 minutes of the run were plagued by worry because day care had called me on my cell to tell me she wasn't feeling well and I needed to come and get her. I carry my cell phone with me when I run so I was able to talk with them and ran the last 5 minutes as fast as I could to get back to my car. I knew she wasn't in life-threatening danger or anything, but I felt awful that I couldn't run faster to get to her more quickly.

She's with my mom now, and the poor baby is upset because I've told her she can't go to her friend's birthday party tomorrow. It's at a state park an hour away and I just can't handle having to carry her everywhere and not let her run around and play with the other kids. And if she's better tomorrow, then that's great. Maybe we'll go. But I'm not holding out for it.

This is such a roller coaster. We were all so happy yesterday, thinking it was over. I am getting really worried it's something other than complicated migraines. And I'm not a worrier--I cope and get through. But it's just too much, too long.

We'll see what the weekend holds. I'll post updates if things change, one way or another. You all are just as important to me as my "real life" friends. Thank you for all your prayers and support.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

She's back in school

Sophie's pediatrician consulted with the neurologist Monday, and they put her on prednisone. Not sure if it's helping or if it's just the vertigo running its course (today is day 10), but she seems to be getting better.

I took her to school this morning for her school pictures, even though she woke up dizzy and I was pretty sure she wasn't going to be okay today. We got to school at 9 a.m., and she was able to walk slowly to her classroom, which is a long way. She wasn't dizzy that whole time. And then we walked to where they were taking pictures--still okay. Walked back to her classroom, and her teacher calmly took her hand and led her to her desk--all the while Ms. K. is still teaching the class--and she got out Sophie's crayon box, sat her down at her desk, and then kept teaching.

I gave the assistant teacher my phone numbers and then quietly left the room. Sophie didn't even notice I had left. I watched her from the door for a few minutes and she seemed okay.

Leaving her there is the right thing to do (even though I'm worried about her still), and I know her teachers will watch her closely. I'm picking her up right after school and not letting her stay in after-school day care like usual, unless I get there and she tells me she's okay and wants to stay.

We have an appointment with her neurologist on November 7th. He comes down to Evansville a couple times a month and we are lucky to get in to see him.

Jess, it could be dietary. We just aren't sure. We haven't been tracking her diet or anything, and I'll be asking the neurologist about that when we see him. They aren't "normal" migraines and they are so infrequent that it's hard to detect a pattern. I had migraines when I was a kid but they were fairly infrequent and I didn't get medicine for them or see the doctor about them, just suffered through. So we at least know they are hereditary.

Pokey, she's 6 and a half.

Thank you all for your concern and support. It really means so much.

I gave myself my own advice this morning-- it takes a lot of mental and physical energy to focus on diet and exercise, and all my energy is going to this situation right now. So I'm giving myself a break about not being "good" on my diet and not running. I'll get back to it soon. And thankfully, my weight is staying steady at 155, so I'm not doing any major damage (even though I had a bowl of Fruit Loops yesterday and an ice cream cone and about 10 mini chocolate chip cookies--it was a REALLY bad day yesterday).

Hopefully tonight I can get in a run, if Sophie stays feeling better. And definitely will tomorrow, since my Mom comes down on Fridays and keeps the kids in the afternoons.

One bright spot-- I got a call yesterday from LA Weight Loss. They are using my Before & After pictures for their booth at a women's expo that's going on today. I felt pretty good about that, especially since my after picture turned out so nicely.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Sick Little Girl

Sophie's still sick -- this is day 7 with the same vertigo/dizziness. I'm taking her to the doctor in 20 minutes. Until we get her straightened out, I probably won't be on here much. She's all I can think about and focus on right now. Please send up your prayers for her.

Update (because I had a few minutes and felt like venting a bit):
The doctor is consulting with her neurologist today, and will call me later to let me know what he says. Her pediatrician is concerned, and agrees we have to get this one stopped and will probably be looking at a preventative medication. But he wants to wait to see what the neurologist says.

I checked my notes on the last time she had this, and it lasted 10 days (this was in May of this year).

A lot of you don't know her history, so here it is: She had some kind of episode when she was 2 and a half, where she couldn't walk and was non responsive. She had an EEG, CT scan, bloodwork, and met with the best pediatric neurologist in the state of Indiana (he's affiliated with Riley Hospital in Indy). She continued to have dizzy spells every few months, and so she had an MRI when she was 4 years old, which thank God ruled out a brain tumor. The Doctor diagnosed her with complicated migraines. She doesn't get pain in her head, just the vertigo/dizziness, can't walk or often even sit up, and sometimes has the typical migraine touch/light sensitivity and vomiting (she had this last Thursday).

Last fall the neurologist released her from his care, because she was having episodes every 3-4 months that lasted 2-4 days--pretty normal for the diagnosis. Well, 10 day long episodes are not normal and this is the 2nd one this year.

The good news is, she's not epileptic and doesn't have a tumor and isn't vomiting non stop. I know it could be so much worse. But she's missing school and missing LIFE and I hate seeing her cry when it gets bad. And we just don't know WHY they are lasting so long. The other good news is, we haven't really tried any medication, other than ibuprofen, antivert, and midrin (nothing has helped). I know there's a lot more out there we can try.

I'm also lucky because I can bring her with me to the office. If I had my old job from 3 years ago, we'd be in dire straits because there's no one else who can keep her for days and days, and I'd probably have had to quit or would have been fired. But it is still stressful to have her here and to be out of our routine.

My eating the past 4 days has been awful. I haven't run since last Wednesday. I've gained a couple of pounds. I'm not happy about it, but I'm in survival mode. The sad thing is, survival mode means chubbie girl shows up and takes over. Too bad survival mode doesn't mean I totally lose my appetite.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Day 232 - 153.4

The best thing about today is.... it's no longer yesterday. I didn't get a run in last night, and can make all kinds of excuses like DH got home late and we were completely out of milk so I had to go to the grocery store instead of running, but basically I just wanted to eat my way through my stress. I did something last night I haven't done in 8 months--I bought a pint of chocolate ice cream and ate it in the bathroom.

Hello, my name is Laura and I'm a food addict.

I was just not in the mood to explain myself to my husband and didn't want my daughter eating my ice cream, so I hid my binge from my family.

I am not proud of this. It was a pretty low moment. And I'm highly aware that the behavior is destructive and unhealthy and a setback. I might as well have been shooting up. Okay, so it wasn't that bad, but it felt like it. It was a 600 calorie pint of Edy's Grand chocolate, and I ate all but about 4 spoonfuls of it. I didn't taste it much, just shoveled it in so I could get as numb as possible.

So. It's done. I'm over it. I'm taking it as a lesson that I'm not impervious to stress eating, and thanking my lucky stars that my normal life is pretty calm and I don't have to self medicate on a regular basis.

Sophie is better today, but not symptom free. Still dizzy and can't walk, but she's sitting up and coloring and with me at the office. I've called the doctor today to let him know she's on day 4, and to see if she's a candidate for any meds that might help make these episodes shorter. The antivert isn't making her symptoms go away completely, and she needs something that treats the migraine anyway, not just the dizziness. We'll see what he comes back with.

Hoping I can get a run in around 2:30 this afternoon, because DH has yoga at 4 and then has a church youth group event tonight, so I'll be with the kids by myself. Tomorrow night my mom's coming down to watch the kids at our house and we are supposed to have a date, probably dinner and a movie.

Thanks for bearing with me and for your supportive words. Sorry to be such a downer the past few days. I'm sure things will look up soon.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Day 231 - 152.8 -- Bad day

It's good to see that loss holding steady again this morning. I am really thrilled that it's not jumped back up, as is usually what happens when I have a couple nice losses in a row. Water weight ups and downs, and all that good stuff.

Ran another 4 miles last night. I kept my shirt on this time as it was in the upper 50s. Man I do love this fall weather. I made terrific time--43:35. And I really am getting into a groove running, only taking walk breaks to cross traffic and drink water (I drop off a bottle on the way out, which is my 3 mile mark on my way back into my neighborhood). When it was hot I was walking every 6 or 7 minutes, and sometimes oftener than that.

I also really like running at night. I like the dark, and I like coming home and not feeling hungry because I've just had a great run. It's helping me avoid that night time snacking I struggle with.

Sophie is really sick today. She woke up at 5:30 crying and dizzy. When she's dizzy while lying down, it's really bad. Sure enough, she was light and touch sensitive, cried on and off for about 30 minutes with the dizziness. I gave her an antivert (we had some left over from her previous spell in May) and it helps her sleep and alleviates the spinning some what but not entirely. She slept from 7 until almost 9, then woke up and vomited all over the bed. The poor poor baby. She's been immobile all day, watching cartoons (thank God for Noggin), but at least she's not crying any more.

I've got Luke with me too, which is a whole other story. DH was in a huge hurry to get to the office this morning, was pissed at the situation because I had to stay home and not work, and didn't have time to take Luke to the sitter. Whatever. I was pretty pissed at him for being such a stress bucket and taking it out on me. I couldn't leave the house with Sophie in the shape she was in, so I get to have them both today.

Then, to top things off, the other assistant in the office had to leave because of a relative who is close to death and probably not going to make it. They've called in the family to the hospital. So, there's no one at the office to get the phones. I decided I'd try to go in, and am just waiting for Luke to wake up and I'll pack us all up and drop Luke off at the sitter (and she thought she was getting the day off from him!) and take Sophie to the office with me. I'm praying she can make it for a few hours. I just gave her another antivert and hopefully it will keep the dizziness under control somewhat.

Of course, with all the stress and irritation I was going through this morning, I ate 2 pieces of toast with my 2 eggs, and then 4 mini cookies. I just wanted to get numb and fall asleep. Neither happened.

And here I thought losing weight was supposed to make your life perfect. Isn't that what the diet industry is selling? Thank goodness I have found running--it's what I'm longing for and hanging on to to keep me sane.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Day 230 - 152.6

Oy, it's been a nutso day. It's 2:30 PM and I'm just now getting to eat lunch. But, we did a big piece of business today that basically makes the rest of the year (YES!) and so it's totally fine that I'm swamped.

Sophie was still dizzy--thanks, all, for the well wishes. I expect she'll be with me for a couple more days. At least she's not light sensitive or vomiting with this episode (not yet anyway). She is such a trooper, playing and coloring and watching movies at the office.

I have to carry her around when we go from the car to the office, or to wherever, when she's dizzy. She's tries to walk and will make a few steps, but then gets dizzy and I carry her. Here's the thing, and I've said this before but this carrying her business just re-emphasizes it--I have lost what she weighs. And carrying around an extra 53 pounds is hard!

I know my extra weight wasn't concentrated in bones and muscles all lumped up on the front of me and carried in my arms, like my daughter is, but it's still a huge embodiment of the weight I've lost.

And now for running--I had one of the BEST runs ever last night. I went out at 6:55 p.m. and it was in the low 70s/upper 60s, with low humidity. Wow, what a difference. The last mile of my run I was pretty warm and took off my shirt (I was in my neighborhood for the last mile so I could circle around and pick it up) and I ran in just my sports bras (I wear 2 to support The Girls) and running pants. The wind on my skin felt amazing. It was dark, so I wasn't self conscious about my stomach at all, and there was something freeing in running in so little clothing.

So now I've got to start doing Pilates and crunches and get the rest of the fat off my stomach so I can run with no shirt all the time and not scare young children. As any Mom knows, a post-baby belly is rather frightening. True, my baby is almost 2 years old, but my stomach is still seriously scary.

I did 4 miles in 44:07. I'm hoping for a repeat of that tonight.

I will try to catch up on your blogs tonight, blogging friends.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Day 229 - 153.6

Finally got a new number in second place on the scale, and it was a lower one at that! I've been 154ish for a couple of weeks, so it's nice to know I haven't hit a plateau again.

Got no running in yesterday, which was a big disappointment. I knew it was going to be tough, with my work schedule and with Sophie's swim lessons at 5, which means I leave work at 4 to pick up the kids, get her changed, get them both fed, and drive to lessons. DH had his men's group last night and didn't get home until 9:30, so even though I was dressed to run and had planned on going out at night once he got home, I had fallen asleep with Sophie and was under no illusion that I was going running at 10 p.m. Whatever. Just means I get to run one day this weekend.

Sophie woke up this morning with a dizzy spell. She has complicated migraines and they manifest themselves in dizziness/vertigo. Thankfully I can bring her with me to the office, and she draws & colors & plays with her stuffed animals & watches movies, so she's not too disruptive. Other than the fact that she can't walk without feeling dizzy, she's fine (at least, for now). The bad thing is these spells can last for days, and they sometimes get progressively worse--where she gets the full blown migraine with light sensitivity and vomiting. I'm praying this is a quick bout and she can go to school tomorrow. It's been months since she 's had one, and I knew we were due.

I'm planning on running 4 miles sometime tonight, when Mark can keep the kids. The weather has finally broken and we are getting 70s today and even 60s later in the week. The lows will be in the 40s! I am so pumped. I just bought a new winter coat online, because my old one (size 16) is tent-like now. I tried on every coat in my closet and they were all huge, not just a little big but embarrassingly gigantic. Buying a new coat to me is like buying a new furnace for your house--I'd rather spend the money on something fun, like shoes, but I gotta have a coat so there you go.

I haven't even run the Indy Half yet--not even up to training mileage yet!--but I am seriously psyching myself up to run a marathon the year I turn 40, which is 2010. I told my husband this morning that's my goal, and he agreed that age is a great motivator (he's 45 so he's very wise about this stuff ;-). So that's the plan... marathon training begins in 2009. God willing, I'll be healthy enough to do it.

Until then, I'm just gonna try to get 20 miles in this week.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Day 228 - 154.8 --- Getaway Report

I had a FABULOUS weekend. For you mamma's reading this--I highly recommend getting away for a couple of days by yourself, if you can spare the time away from family. Two nights was just right. I was ready to come home Sunday, as I was missing the kids (oh yeah, and my husband too). But I feel quite relaxed and refreshed and ready to face My Life.

This post is long.... so take it in bites, if you need to ;-)

The flights down were easy and relaxed. I read, ate some Twizzlers on the plane (for some strange reason I have to eat Twizzlers when I fly...weird, I know), and had a healthy lunch at the Cincinnati airport. My girlfriend LeAnne picked me up and we had 4 hours until our dinner reservations, and I asked if we could go to the gym. So we did, and I ran 4 miles on the treadmill in 45 minutes. I hadn't gotten a run in on Thursday like I'd hoped, so the Friday run finished out my running week at 16 miles.

Friday night LeAnne, her husband Jim, and I went to PF Changs, and I ate what I wanted but not so much that I was over full. I did eat an LA Lite before bed, because I still crave chocolate daily and those are my fix.

Saturday I got to sleep in until 8 a.m. (!!!) and LeAnne whisked me off to Starbucks in my PJs and a sweater, for a Latte and a low fat cinnamon coffee cake (which I only ate half of, because I also had a banana). We left her house around 10 a.m. and got to Eureka Springs in time for Lunch at the Crescent Hotel. Eureka Springs is a quaint tourist town with lots of shops and some fabulous spas. There was a biker gathering AND a Corvette convention in town at the same time, so traffic was nuts. Luckily we just parked at the Hotel where our spa appointment was and then took the Trolley around town.

Lunch was a healthy spinach and berry salad, no bread thank you very much, and then we walked and shopped for a couple of hours. I got a great winter scarf at the Life is Good store and some pretty earrings at a local artists' store.

Our spa appointment was at 3 p.m. We had adjoining rooms, which was neat because we got to talk after our services were done. First was a mud wrap, which I'd never had before. The masseuse started my massaging my neck and shoulders, then did a dry exfoliation with gloves with bumpy things on them. Then she rubbed warm mud all over me--my back, arms, legs, and even my tummy! Then she wrapped me up in a sheets and towels and massaged my feet and my head/neck. She finished up and it was time for me to shower in our private bathroom. The mud was hard to get off, even though it didn't dry like a facial mud mask does, but after I was clean I had the softest skin ever.

Once I was done, then I scurried back into the massage bed and wrapped up in the warm sheet and blanket (the bed was heated by the way, so it was like a cocoon). The bathroom was in my part of the rooms, and I got to say hi to LeAnne and warn her she'd be rubbing off the mud for a while.

Then it was time for our massage. I will tell you, I was feeling quite decadent and spoiled at this point! The masseuse was really good, and I fell asleep a little right at the end, so you know it was a good massage. I was in another world--completely and utterly relaxed, in that meditative state that I've only truly reached a couple times in my life.

It. was. heaven.

When the massage was over, she had me sit up and she dropped blue oil on my spine (it's an Aveda salon so they do aromatherapy stuff) and told me that she had never massaged anyone with a back as loose as mine. I had some tightness in my shoulders, but my back had no knots and was very relaxed. She asked me what I do for a living, and I said, "Don't tell my husband I'm that relaxed. Because I work with him and I don't want him knowing how easy I've got it!"

But it made me realize that my 30 hour a week job without the pressures of office politics and all the bullshit that comes with that, have transformed me in many ways. Not the least of which is a noteworthy back from an experienced masseuse.

We were both wet noodles after our treatments, and enjoyed the hour drive back home in the scenic hills of Northwest Arkansas (I had no idea it was so mountainous and beautiful there). That night we got BBQ carryout and I ate about half my dinner, stopping when I was full. Had another LA Lite in bed while reading my book, and was asleep by 10 p.m.

Sunday morning Jim and LeAnne took me for a drive around Bentonville, and I got to see Walmart HQ (Jim works for their market research department) and the towns that have grown as a result of Walmart. Jim has some pretty funny stories about Sam Walton that they share at the company's twice a month Saturday meetings, like when he was traveling in a Northern state and rented a car in January--he rented a convertible, whose plastic windows were all frozen up, because he got a good deal. Apparently the man lived his life like he preached--and was a cheap skate even though he was a gazillionaire.

Then it was time to fly home, and I knew I'd miss my friends but was ready to see my family again. The flights from Arkansas to Cincinnati to Evansville were flawless, and I enjoyed the travel home. I even bought a Runner's World magazine at the airport, my first. It's totally geeky, but I've never felt "worthy" of buying RW because I never saw myself as much of a runner. Well not anymore! It was a great magazine and had quite a bit for even a novice runner like me to enjoy. There was a lot of marathon coverage, esp. the NYC marathon and the men's Olympic trials, and it made me have thoughts that maybe, someday, even I could run a marathon....

When I got home, I was so happy to see the kids and my husband. I gave them their gifts (of course I had to buy them something to bribe my way back into their hearts), and then we headed out to our Church Picnic. It was so hot, even at 5:30 p.m. I wore a skort and little navy top, and got so many compliments on how I looked, which was nice.

This morning the scale read close to what it was when I left, so I didn't do much damage. The worst thing I ate was a cinnamon scone from Starbucks Sunday morning. I didn't approach this trip like I have those of the past--like an excuse to eat like crazy and "treat" myself. Instead I treated myself with respect and care. I didn't notice being treated any differently by others, by I did catch several men checking me out--and that has NEVER happened.

Today it's back to reality, which is okay. I've got 10 more pounds to lose and a 1/2 marathon to train for and a lovely job and a beautiful family to take care of. It's a wonderful life!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Day 224 - 154.2 I'm leaving on a jet plane

Tomorrow I'm flying out to see my girlfriend LeAnne in Arkansas. Almost 3 whole days that are just about me. Can I tell you how amazingly special and rare an occasion that is? She's taking me to PF Chang's tomorrow night (SCORE!) and we have our Spa day (a massage and then a mud wrap--never had one of those before, I'm so pumped) on Saturday. Then I fly home on Sunday and get back in Evansville at 4:30 p.m.

I've got my books ready, which are the cornerstone of any travel event for me--Watermelon by Marian Keyes (I'm working my way through her Walsh Sisters books) and Women Who Run by Shanti Sosiensky.

I did my laundry last night and am planning my wardrobe in my head (what fun it will be to enjoy how I look and dress in cute clothes!). It's supposed to be in the mid 80s over the weekend, about like it is here.

I'm getting another run in today, so that will be 4 this week and I'm taking the weekend off (I think--unless my girlfriend has picked running up again without me knowing it.... I'm packing my running stuff just in case). But there's no pressure to run, if it doesn't fit in the schedule.

I'll pack the kids up tonight. They are staying with my mom Friday and most of Saturday. You didn't think my husband would keep them for 3 days straight, now did you? Oh please, he's a great dad but he can barely keep them both for 3 hours let alone 3 days.

I'll pack most of my stuff tonight, but will probably make last minute changes tomorrow morning. I'm a last minute kind of packer.

I'm getting my toes and nails done today, so they match and look all pretty for my trip. French manicure and pedicure. I am such a girly girl.

I'm charging my cell phone, my iPod, my palm pilot. Making a last minute trip to Target. And tomorrow morning I'll hug and kiss everyone goodbye and at 10:30 a.m., I'll board a little tiny jet to fly my way to Arkansas via Cincinnati.

So, for yesterday's report. I ran just shy of 4 miles, in about 50 minutes. I walked quite a bit, and don't have the exact time because I forgot to restart my stopwatch after one traffic stop. It was pretty hot yesterday and I guess that slowed me down.

Plus, and this was a FIRST, I ran without my iPod. I'm going to try some runs without it, to get the benefit of a "zen" run, which just doesn't happen for me with tunes blaring in my ears. It was okay. I was surprised by the rythym of my breathing--I just never noticed it before. I got to chat briefly with the cross country coach of the beautiful teenagers that run the same park I do... you know, the ones who FLY by me and are buff and beautiful. He was walking ahead of me, and stepped aside as he heard me running. He said "Pick up some of my kids when you see them, okay? " I replied, "Are you kidding? They fly past me!" He said "They're just having fun today." I said "Well, they're 20 years younger than me, so that's my excuse." "At least you're out here running, that's the good news." "Even if I'm slow!"

It made me wonder-- what's a fun run for a cross country kid? 15 miles instead of 20? I would have no idea, as running in high school was something I only did as punishment from our Freshman year gym teacher.

Anyway, I liked running without music, but I'm not giving it up completely. At least, not yet. My last mile was my best mile, and if I'd had more time I'd have kept running.
Last night at the Fall Fest, I ate 5 bites of a stromboli (sausage, mozzerella cheese, tomato sauce, banana peppers, on a hoagie--yummy) and 2 corn fritters, which is deep fried corn casserole balls dipped in pancake syrup (I know, it sounds gross, but it's good). Not too bad, considering the damage I could have done.

This is probably the last time I'll post until Sunday night or Monday. I hope you all enjoy your weekends. I know I will!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Day 223 - 155.0 --- 5 miles

I did it! 5 miles in 57:44

It wasn't easy, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I was exhausted and sore last night (thank God for Advil), but feel great this morning. Planning on a short run this afternoon, probably 3-3.5 miles.

Our city is in the midst of it's annual West Side Nut Club Fall Festival. Legend has it that it's the second largest street fair in the U.S., behind Mardi Gras in New Orleans. There are rides, talent shows, and almost 130 food booths. The big seller is Brain Sandwiches--yep, pig brains deep fried and put on a bun. Personally, I've never had one. But Alton Brown (who I adore and have a major crush on) enjoyed a few bites at a West Side tavern when he went through Evansville on his first "Feasting on Asphalt" tour in July 2006.

What I usually eat at the Fall Fest is a corn dog, some funnel cake, a stromboli, and blackberry cobbler with ice cream. I've tried the deep-fried Twinkies and deep-fried Snickers, and they are as disgusting as they sound--warming the cream in a Twinkie totally screws up the taste. It's a lot of food in a short period of time, and usually everyone leaves the Fest feeling stuffed and sick. Sounds fun, right?

Our daughter's preschool's food booth has the weird foods and Icky Lickies every year--bugs embedded in suckers, crickets in a block of chocolate, and such things as Alligator Jerky and other exotic meat dishes. You get a button/badge that says "I ate a bug" when you buy one of the bug candies. Last year, they had scorpion pops and sold out in the first two days (over 1,000 suckers at $3 a pop); they were restocked by the end of day 3 and sold out again by the time the festival was over.

It's a great time for family and kids and the charities who run the food booths depend on the Fall Fest for a big chunk of their fundraising each year. It's not unheard of for groups to raise $20,000 in a week.

So. Will we or won't we go this year? Yesterday, Husband and I were talking and said we wouldn't go; we aren't eating that junk now and the kids wouldn't miss it. Well, our daughter's Kindergarten teacher talked about the Fall Fest in class yesterday, and Sophie told my husband last night that says she wants to go. Tonight's the only night we have available this week, and I think we're gonna bite the bullet and just go.

There is so much temptation.... the sights and smells of food will be inescapable. And I'll want a taste, but not a whole serving, of my favorites. I'll probably let myself have a little of a lot, and tell myself I'm helping raise money for charity and not wasting food as I throw the majority of my favorite foods in the trash.

This lifestyle I'm living isn't about deprivation, and I want to have fun but not go nuts. I think it's important, too, to let my kids see I can eat a little junk food and not always say no to all the "good stuff."

At least, that sure sounds like a good excuse to indulge a bit, eh?

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Day 222 - 154.8

I'm a bit better today, and thank you all for your well wishes. That post *was* from Monday--I had set up the links last Friday and just edited that post, and forgot to change the posting date... in case anyone noticed that the date yesterday said "Friday."

I did the best thing I could for myself yesterday afternoon--I went out for a run. I'd planned on 4 miles, but ran out of gas after about 2 miles and just headed back to finish with around 3. I'd skipped lunch--had zero appetite yesterday--and my body needed more energy, I suppose, if it was gonna do 4.

Anywho, at least I got out there and I did feel better during and after. I had a McD's salad while Sophie had swim lessons at 5:00, and then went home, let the kids play a bit, got them in bed and then read a book (Swapping Lives by Jane Green--not great, but I hate not finishing a book I've's a quick & easy read). I was asleep by 9:30, but back awake at 1 a.m. when Luke woke up. Got him settled down and then I couldn't sleep. So, I had some chocolate. Not a great choice, but given the circumstances, I'll take a 250 calorie night time eating event over a pint of Ben & Jerry's, which is what I really felt like eating.

So I'm tired today, and it's probably still the PMS making me feel blah. It will be over soon, and I have my weekend away with my girlfriend in Arkansas to look forward to this Friday. I am counting down the minutes.

Planning on a run today, and I'm toying with doing 5 miles. If I can get out of the office with enough time, I'm gonna try it. It will be my first time to run 5. Keep sending me those positive vibes, and I know I can do it.

Thanks, friends!

OH! I almost forgot-- yesterday at LA weigh in, I hit 155. It's official, only 10 pounds to go. I'll post a progress pic soon.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Day 221 - 154.0

Sorry for the late-day post. Work is nuts, and I am having the worst PMS day ever. Seriously, I want to go crawl under a rock and make the world go away. Since I've been off the pill and anti-depressents, my PMS has gotten much much worse. And I can't even EAT today--not even chocolate will make me feel better. That's how bad it is.

I am not going to belly ache and whine my way out of this here. So I'll leave you with some inspiration I found this weekend.....
I love this article by John Bingham over on Pokey's blog. Take a few minutes for some running inspiration when you have a chance.

Also, here's a new runners community blog that's just started up. If you are even thinking about running, this would be a great place to "get in on the ground floor" of a new community of runners.