Monday, November 30, 2009

Big black hole... Looking for light

I feel like November was this big black hole that sucked the life right out of me.

I am so ready for the light.

I'm sitting on my couch now, finally watching The Biggest Loser "Where Are They Now?" from last week, and I am INSPIRED. Matt's story of the Ironman Triathalon made me cry. I've been scared that the marathon in April isn't going to happen. I ran last week 3 days, which is more than I have run in weeks & weeks. But I have to do more than 3 days a week. There's just no getting around it.

And after watching the inspirational "After" stories (I'm still in the middle of watching it... how's that for multitasking?) I can't wait to put on my running shoes & hit the pavement.

Since it's almost bedtime, I'll wait until tomorrow.

A very good thing to report--my husband has finally relented & agrees we need a treadmill. WOOHOO! We are reading reviews, looking at Craigslist, trying to decide on the best deal for the money. But, baby, we are finally going to get a treadmill in da house.

It won't just be a coat rack, that's for sure.

Thanksgiving was good. We went to Indianapolis & spent 3 days with Mark's family. We went to the zoo one afternoon, which was wonderful. I didn't over do it, food wise. I ran 3 miles Thanksgiving morning (in the bitter cold & wind & even some sprinkling rain...yeah, it sucked), and I felt great all day because I did. This morning I weighed and was 160.0. It's a flabby 160, though. I have lost so much muscle tone, it's ridiculous. I can still wear my size 10 pants & my size 12 jeans are loose, but I miss my muscles even more than loose size 8s.

Mark is ready to lose weight too. So we are going to eat well together, get the treadmill, & get this body back into fighting shape.

Marathon training officially starts on Monday.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

It's been a while

Sorry it's been so long since I've visited with you all. I'm in survival mode, as you know. It's not getting any better. And it's probably going to get worse before things improve.

I have run a few times since I last posted. Yesterday I hit the treadmill for 3.5 miles. I can tell I've gained weight. It is a lot harder to run at a faster pace. 10-15 pounds is a lot of extra weight to carry at 10 min/mile. So I'm not running 10 min/mile. More like 11:00 to 11:30s. I can run fast for shorter distances, which is what I'm doing & what I've done before. But even my fastest fast is slower. At least the slower running times are a good motivator to lose weight.

And I'm not gaining. But I'm still not losing. Frankly losing weight is the last thing on my mind right now. I'm just trying to keep myself together the best I can without completely self destructing.

Running is hopefully going to be a top priority again, since my Marathon training begins on December 12th and I have to have a pre-training base just to be ready to train. That's why my goal is to run 20 miles this week & every week until the 12th. If I can focus on that, hopefully everything else will be stable enough to keep me from bursting my seams.

My dad's ALS is getting worse every week. He is barely able to transfer himself from place to place. He's having more trouble eating. Today my sister said he is not acting like himself--he's very down, very depressed, doesn't want to eat. I'm not surprised, really. I can imagine the week days are really tough. Weekends we surround him with lots of family, but during the week he has his main care giver and sometimes one other person (whoever might be available from our group of friends & family who are caring for him). The pending divorce & being separated from his totally dysfunctional/batshit crazy wife is hard on him too. My dad's always been emotionally challenged. He's made some tough choices the past few months which have helped bring us all back together, but it doesn't stop him from missing the good parts of his marriage. I think it's like the battered woman who misses her husband; once she's away, she forgets how he used to beat the crap out of her, until someone reminds her of what he's really like. We've had to do a lot of reminding the past several weeks.

The kids are healthy. Mark is healthy. I am healthy. Thank God for small miracles!

Email or comment if you miss me & I'll email you back or I'll post. Otherwise I'll probably let it slide until someone (Vickie :-) bugs me.

I miss this part of me. Hopefully I can keep just enough life in this blog that it will be here when I'm ready for it again.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Nutrisystem, with a meeting

That's what the hospital weight loss program turned out to be. The program is based on HMR meal replacements, which are shelf stable packaged foods similar to Nutrisystem. I would have done the 3 entrees/2 shakes/5 cups of fruits/veggies a day. I would have gone to one meeting a week, which was 90 minutes long but that I had to leave 10 minutes early to pick up Luke from daycare. And I'm sure I'd have lost weight on the program.

But it just didn't feel right. More on that in a minute.

Have you ever had shelf stable entrees? They are, without a doubt, one of the yuckiest things I've ever eaten. I couldn't imagine eating three of those entrees a day for three months. I knew when I called the hospital and asked about the program that meal replacements were involved, but I didn't realize it was the backbone of the whole deal. I hoped it might be like LA Weight Loss's shakes, where you could optionally substitute a shake for a meal, or you'd do 3 meals a day and 2 shakes a day. But no. It's expensive Non Food that they built the program around.

I'm sure it works for a lot of people. But it's not for me.

The not feeling right part started with the nurse who did the informational meeting. She was not obese by any means, but she seriously has more weight to lose than I do! That was the first strike.

At one point in the presentation she asked the group (there were 4 other people) why they wanted to lose weight, and she completely ignored me. Just listened to the other 4, and went right along as if I wasn't even in the room, as if someone who wants to lose "only" 20 pounds isn't worthy of her time. Strike two.

After the meeting was over, I explained that I would have to leave the weekly meeting 10 minutes early each week, and they treated me like I was nuts. "Can't you have someone else pick up your son?" "Can't you do the 6 p.m. class?" Why, no, I've already thought of those options and if they WERE options, I wouldn't be asking to leave 10 minutes early. I'm kind of busting their chops on this issue, because it wasn't that big a deal. It just added to my overall icky feeling about the whole thing. So, strike three, they were out.

I came back to the office afterwards and talked with Mark about it. He had done Nutrisystem last year and hated it. I told him what I wanted--LA Weight Loss back--and he said, why don't you just create your own program and follow it?

Well, yeah, easy to say. Not so easy to implement.

But I am definitely in the "pre-planning" stage of making this happen, and I feel the momentum building toward implementation.

Because I have got to get this weight off in the next few months.

Because I have signed up to (wait for it) run a full marathon in April 2010.

Yeah, I know, I know, I already said ages ago I was going to run the marathon in Nashville next year. But with everything going on with my dad & with our business, it wasn't an option to plan an out of town trip that far in the future.

So in October, right after I ran the Evansville Half Marathon, I was given a huge gift. I learned that Evansville is hosting its first ever full marathon on April 11, 2010, which is 2 days before I turn 40. Perfect timing. The organizers of the race are running a training program with long runs on Saturdays--bonus!

No excuses, I'm doing this marathon next year.

I printed the running schedule off today. I'm resolved to do this thing, but right now I'm completely freaking intimidated. The PRE-TRAIN schedule says I should be running 5 days a week for a total of 21 miles a week for at least a month before the training starts in December. Holy crap! That's more miles than I've ever run in my life.

Which I guess is the point, eh?

I always do my best and accomplish great things when I have a goal. I not only have a goal, I will have help to get there thanks to the Saturday training runs. And I know that I will always, thankfully, have my blog friends for support and accountability.

Thanks, guys, for sticking with me during these dark days. I can feel the light coming. Hopefully I'll be lighter on the scale soon, too.