Tuesday, November 17, 2009

It's been a while

Sorry it's been so long since I've visited with you all. I'm in survival mode, as you know. It's not getting any better. And it's probably going to get worse before things improve.

I have run a few times since I last posted. Yesterday I hit the treadmill for 3.5 miles. I can tell I've gained weight. It is a lot harder to run at a faster pace. 10-15 pounds is a lot of extra weight to carry at 10 min/mile. So I'm not running 10 min/mile. More like 11:00 to 11:30s. I can run fast for shorter distances, which is what I'm doing & what I've done before. But even my fastest fast is slower. At least the slower running times are a good motivator to lose weight.

And I'm not gaining. But I'm still not losing. Frankly losing weight is the last thing on my mind right now. I'm just trying to keep myself together the best I can without completely self destructing.

Running is hopefully going to be a top priority again, since my Marathon training begins on December 12th and I have to have a pre-training base just to be ready to train. That's why my goal is to run 20 miles this week & every week until the 12th. If I can focus on that, hopefully everything else will be stable enough to keep me from bursting my seams.

My dad's ALS is getting worse every week. He is barely able to transfer himself from place to place. He's having more trouble eating. Today my sister said he is not acting like himself--he's very down, very depressed, doesn't want to eat. I'm not surprised, really. I can imagine the week days are really tough. Weekends we surround him with lots of family, but during the week he has his main care giver and sometimes one other person (whoever might be available from our group of friends & family who are caring for him). The pending divorce & being separated from his totally dysfunctional/batshit crazy wife is hard on him too. My dad's always been emotionally challenged. He's made some tough choices the past few months which have helped bring us all back together, but it doesn't stop him from missing the good parts of his marriage. I think it's like the battered woman who misses her husband; once she's away, she forgets how he used to beat the crap out of her, until someone reminds her of what he's really like. We've had to do a lot of reminding the past several weeks.

The kids are healthy. Mark is healthy. I am healthy. Thank God for small miracles!

Email or comment if you miss me & I'll email you back or I'll post. Otherwise I'll probably let it slide until someone (Vickie :-) bugs me.

I miss this part of me. Hopefully I can keep just enough life in this blog that it will be here when I'm ready for it again.


Ohio Girl said...


I miss you (a lot) You have normal struggles and challenges in your life like a lot of us. I hope you keep writing and making me feel "normal." Miss you and hope life moves on peacefully for you.

A long, long, long time reader

Mama said...

Hang in there. I love to hear from you (here and on Facebook). Even if you aren't posting, know we are out here thinking about you.

MCM Mama

Shauna said...

of course we miss you lovely L. i know you have so much on your plate but we'll always be here whenever you pop up (thanks to Google Reader). thinking of you and your dad too xxox

Jill said...

Sweets, we will always be here awaiting your return!! Take care of you, and your dad, and don't worry about us.

Keep hanging in there - this is a season; a new one is always around the corner.

Cindy...154 said...

Miss you very much. Going to have to dig out your e-mail address. I may even have your phone number somewhere - was thinking of looking for it and calling if you did not post soon. I am glad you are doing good. You always have goals and that is something I admire about you. Great that you are not gaining. I know it is a hard, hard time. So hang in there and know we all love you and think of you often!!

Vickie said...

I hope that you are able to see the Marathon as something that is for you, and is a distraction, and a physical VENT (rather then another demand).

This is going to sound rude and blunt, but we had this happen with my father in law. Is who ever is staying with your dad (all of them) able to NOT call for help to revive him? My mom in law thought she had everything in place to just let him BE. But someone paniced and called 9 1 1 and once they are called and the person is unresponsive (and my MIL happened to NOT be there at that moment) - they recessitated him and also took him to the hospital and put in a tube. . .

Intellectually you can talk about 'letting him go' or DNR order. But the people standing there - have to be able to actually DO IT (by that I mean do nothing).

And I can tell you from experience with my mom's husband - that is hard.

I am very glad you posted. As you know from the last time, blogging is important, but once you get so far gone, it is hard to come back. So I am planning on bugging you once every week, week and a half. So that you stay rooted. Because I think writing does HELP. And I think that it is important to keep a written log when someone goes through something. If you don't make yourself notes (here) then you will not be able to remember later. It will just be one big fog/blur.

Lori G. said...

Hang in there...the important thing is that you take care of yourself. Without you being healthy, you can't help your family or your dad. Maintaining is the right thing to do now so please don't beat yourself up on the "losing" score.

Annimal said...

I'm a lot like you, when things get heavy I retreat into my own head and have difficulty doing interactive things. I can't explain why, maybe the cocooning is to protect myself by controlling and limiting the energy around me.
You have a supportive family, use that strength. Post when you can if it's a release for you.
We'll be here to listen and no, not sick of hearing of your troubles.
As a nurse I've seen so much of horrible disease and I'm always in awe of the strength it takes not only the person living with the disease, but the family who love him so and can't do a damn thing about it.
Have you consulted hospice? It may be time.

debby said...

Laura, I am always so happy to hear from you. Even though I know what you are going through, it is really good to hear your 'voice.'

I can't believe you are maintaining your weight in all this stress. Good for you!

I am keeping you in my prayers. Take a little bit of time for yourself every day. You will be better able to care for others then.

Vickie said...

have a great (and hopefully peaceful) Thanksgiving.

Vickie said...

how did the holiday weekend go for all of you? by the time today rolled around I was pretty glad to be done. . .