Friday, April 27, 2012

The new work place and my food

From a work stand point, I haven't been this happy in many many years.

Our new office is outstanding. The three partners we work with/for are
great. The other support staff are great. My office--with a door and
window and big desk-- is great. Mark is happy too.

We have gotten a huge response from clients. And I'm swamped! Which is
a very very good thing.

It has been rough, though. from a self care standpoint. There have
been days when I literally have no time to eat. And I come home at 7
pm and care for kids then at 9 dive into sugar. This has happened a
few times now. Enough that my body is back to craving sugar and food
when I'm not hungry.


3 steps forward 2 steps back.

I haven't exercised in weeks. I have no time or energy to cook. If it
weren't for Mark doing all the laundry the past few weeks we'd be
living out of laundry baskets.

It's temporary. It will get better.

What I don't want to happen is to get completely out of control. I'm
not there yet. I don't want to be a slave again. I want to eat
veggies and protein. I need quick fixes. I'm going to hopefully have
time this weekend to figure out some better alternatives for next
week. I don't want to have another week like this again.

I will post more when I have time. Going to go cook some Brussels
sprouts now and eat dinner at 8 pm.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Moving Day

.... is tomorrow.

I had a great birthday on Friday. 

I worked 14 hours this weekend.

Moving an office that you've been in for almost 5 1/2 years is a bitch.

But I'm so stinking excited I can't stand it.

It's extremely difficult to eat healthy & stay focused in this time of craziness.  I'm doing ok--I'm glad I had time the past few weeks to establish some healthy food habits.  I've had a couple of candy binges at night, but they haven't spilled over into the next day--no "what the hell" thoughts.  So I'm grateful for that.

I pulled a muscle in my right quadricep yesterday, pushing a box with my foot.  It doesn't burn or ache when I sit or when I walk (much) but when I stand up from a squat or push at all (as in, I pushed myself backwards in the bathtub while sitting down, and it hurt like mad).  We don't have stairs in the new office, thank God, because stairs aren't easy either (no sharp pain--we have stairs in our current office--but I have to go up them gingerly).  I wore a compression thingy last night and that helped. 

I haven't had an injury like this since Luke was an infant in 2006 & I was just starting to run (at 205 pounds).  I hate being injured. It makes me feel old and it makes me mad.  Mark has a horrible back & can't do anything, so I simply cannot be injured. 

I hope my leg muscle understands this and heals quickly.

I don't know what this means to my exercise prospects.  I can't think about that today.  I'll think about that later.

Wish me luck on our move!  I'll post updates as soon as I can.

Monday, April 09, 2012

New profile pic

It's been almost 3 years since I went to St John (where the picture in my old profile pic was taken).  Here's today's self portrait.

I'm doing very, very well right now

Several nights last week I had vegetables as the main course of my dinner. This astounds me.
I have read on Vickie's blog many times how her decisions about food are which vegetable am I eating for this meal?  I read in Karly's book how her meals are focused around vegetables.

I thought they were both a little nuts.

Then last week, I was craving zuch and yellow squash.  I cut them into chunks, then dry sauteed them until they were toasty brown but still a bit firm, then I did the same to some bean sprouts. Mixed them together, sprinkled on some low sodium soy sauce and man, it was fabulous. 

I ate more than half and could have eaten the whole thing but was afraid what a whole zucchini and squash with a bag of bean sprouts would do to my digestive system!  I think I had a sweet potato later that night and some hot tea. 

Not eating sugar and white flour is changing my life.

I did not eat Easter candy.  Not one bite.  I had the occasional tug of desire, but it wasn't a craving.  It was longing for the past comfort that candy has brought me.

I was also at a wedding Saturday and did not eat cake.  I had one of the best pork chops I've ever eaten in my life, and I had decaf coffee, and I was delightfully satisfied. 

Far overriding my desire for sugar was the physical and emotional sensations of health and balance from abstaining from sugar.

I am thinking more clearly, having fewer emotional swings, am much more patient with my kids and husband, am not taking naps or feeling sluggish or bloated.

Yes, I still have emotional desires for sugar, especially for chocolate. As a side note to Debbie's comment last week, I can't do sugar free chocolate because most artificial sweeteners in any large amount gives me a headache, plus too much artificial sweetener can trigger MY tongue and brain to want sugar... whether this is everyone's experience or not, I don't know.  But it's how I react.  I also can't have dark chocolate because even a tiny bit causes migraines.

One night last week I wanted chocolate badly, but I made a cup of decaf tea (which has been my comfort "food" of choice for several weeks) and in about 15-20 minutes it passed.  A miracle!

I am going to therapy this afternoon.  I have no illusions I am "cured."  I am a recovering addict who needs support.

Yep, our business move is next week.  We may have to delay it a few days because of an issue with our largest client who is out of the country on the date we plan to transition, but that will be worked out in the next few days and not by me. 

I don't do well with The Unknown.  I like concrete, "I know what's going to happen," plans.  It is a struggle not to scream and throw a fit with this uncertainty.  But every time the nutso thoughts enter my head, I am working to blow them away like clouds.  

I remember a post Vickie wrote about a yoga class (I think it was yoga) where the instructor said if you have a thought that you don't want, picture it as a cloud and then gently blow it away.  So that's what I'm doing.

I've been blowing away a lot of clouds. 

I also have only weighed myself once since I stopped eating sugar.  The one time I weighed about 2 weeks ago I was disappointed because I was still 169.2.  I felt like I weighed less because my body felt lighter and my clothes were looser.

I was happy before I got on the scale, and then I was disappointed and mad.  What's the point of that?

I am not going to change the way I eat based on what the scale says.  I'm not eating sugar or flour to the best of my ability.  I am eating when I'm hungry.  I am exercising when I can (did a boot camp workout Saturday morning that kicked my butt and was awesome). 

Whether I lose weight or not is irrelevant.  The way I am living my life isn't going to change based on what the scale says.  The way I feel about myself--whether joyful or disappointed--shouldn't depend on the number on the scale.

It is not an easy thing to unhook from the scale. But it is getting easier every day, just like it's getting easier to say no to sugar.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Here's what I'm learning

*Even a small amount of white flour--say in a few slices of pizza--will put me in a carb coma.

*I cannot eat quick-cook steel cut oats.  They put me in a carb coma.  I CAN eat regular steel cut oats that take 20 minutes to cook, without any carb reaction.  (I always eat these with one egg, to balance the meal with protein.)

*I can eat blue corn chips (but have to count them and be very careful to control quantity); I can't eat yellow corn chips.

*Salsa can have sugar in it.  After being off sugar for just a few days, I could taste the sugar.  (I normally buy "Wholly Salsa" that just has the good stuff in it.  The grocery was out & I bought another kind, but this was before I went off sugar and wasn't checking labels.  Now I know to check labels on salsa, which, IMO, has no business having sugar added to it in the first place.)

*BBQ sauce's #1 ingredient is sugar.

*If I'm home all day with a sick daughter, who I'm worried might have appendicitis because she's had a low grade fever and stomach pain for 3 days, I'm going to binge on sugar. 
Sophie is fine now. I talked to the doctor yesterday morning primarily because she'd been running a 99-100 temp for 3 straight days, which is abnormal for her.  The doctor thought it was a virus, but said to watch for certain signs that could indicate appendicitis. And I worried all day long; every time her stomach would cramp & hurt, I was afraid I'd be taking her to the ER.  She was hurting up until she went to bed at 8:30.  I finally lost it at 8:45 and ate cookies and Easter candy out of the kids baskets.  She's fine today; I'm fine today. 
*I need to exercise.  I ran two short runs last week, and that was it.  I need to make time to workout.  My brain needs the endorphins and my body needs the outlet.

*Dry roasted edamame is the bomb.  Simply the best, easiest, "keep in my car for hunger emergencies" snack ever.

*Hot green tea is delicious.

*I cannot weigh myself everyday in the midst of learning to be sugar free.  When I don't lose every day, I have way too many the "what's the point?" thoughts.  I put the scale in Mark's bathroom.  I haven't weighed for about a week.  My pants are looser.  That's enough for me.

*My definition of "sugar free" is actually "very low sugar."  I still use 1/2 tsp Splenda brown sugar for my tea, which is 50/50 splenda/sugar.  I still use 1 tbsp lite choc syrup for my coffee in the morning.  I use unsweetened soy milk for my latte, but it has a gram or two of sugar.  There's a gram of sugar in the soy crisps I like (like rice cakes but with soy--have protein in them, and I'm not reactive to them), even though the ingredients don't list sugar.  I probably get between 10-15 grams of sugar on a good day. For now, that's good enough.

*I still have no idea how to accept "I'll never eat chocolate again."  I don't know if I can. 

*The best way for me to stay away from sugar/refined carbs/carbo overload is to remember how they make me feel--I do not like to be passed out on the couch in the middle of the afternoon.  I do not like to feel grouchy with my kids for no reason.
The recent carb comas have happened from NON binges.  From a few slices of pizza.  From too big a meal, even one that is sugar free (but not carb free--too big a sweet potato along with a big meal is too much for me & I get sleepy).
*I am extremely reactive to TOO MUCH.