Thursday, May 31, 2007

Day 103 - "Official" weight = 177.4 (home weight = 175.4)

I'm .2 pounds away from officially losing 30 pounds. And 1.2 pounds away from the half way mark of my 62 pound goal.

I've been feeling so good lately. I look better. I have more energy. I'm not dealing with food-induced headaches or sugar crashes or food guilt. The scale keeps going down and isn't plateauing. I'm keeping up my exercise and running longer and faster.

So it seems things are going well. And they are.

But sometimes, it feels really weird.

Like when I put on one of my favorite black shirts this morning, and it was way too big. I'm glad I've gotten smaller, but gosh I loved that shirt. This is so lame, I know, but it happened and I felt it, and I'm putting it here on my blog.

And I've noticed, once in a while, people looking at me, at the gym, at the store, when I drop off the kids at day care/day camp. I guess I was invisible before with an extra 30 pounds? And now they can see me? Or is it that I'm more sensitive to looks because I *want* to be looked at? (I don't think I do, but maybe subconsciously I do?) I don't think I'm very comfortable being looked at.

Compliments are coming at me fast now, and I love them. But then, what happens when they stop? Eventually, people are going to stop telling me how great I look. So maybe I shouldn't enjoy these comments so much and not get used to that amazing feeling from recognition of my accomplishments, because it's not gonna last.

I'm an approval-seeking person, who lives and dies by what others think of me. I've gotten better about this as I've gotten older, but I still like getting fussed over when I lose a pound at weigh in, or when I tell my husband I ran 2 and 1/2 miles straight (he didn't praise me enough for that accomplishment, IMO--see how much I need approval?!), or when I wear an adorable new outfit and think I look great.

I'm half way through the losing part. I feel like I've got my game on and I'm really really going to do it this time. By September 21, I will weigh 140 pounds and wear a size 8 or maybe even a 6, if I keep losing at the rate I have for the past 15 weeks.

But what about after that? That unknown land of maintenance and the scale staying within a 2 pound range. Really, I don't know why I'm worried about it, because it's months away and I still have over 30 pounds to lose.

Probably, it's because of the failure rate of weight loss maintenance. Those awful statistics I don't even want to go research because I will really get depressed.

And Alicia's post at Grumpy Chair Dieter got me thinking today about why I've hidden under fat for so many years. I have similar issues with men at a young age, that I won't go into now because I don't want to deal with it (some of you know my story from the early day's of Frances's Amazon blog).

Is it normal to have a FEAR of being recognized and praised for looking good, while at the same time you WANT to be recognized and praised for looking good?

Gosh, no wonder I eat to feel better. My emotions and feelings are a mess. I'm gonna have to noodle on this more and get if figured out soon.


Lori said...

I'm always confused. I want the praise and yet I don't want to be recognized -- I don't want people to remember as the fat blimp. It's like these men "winking" at me online. Some of them are not bad looking -- so what's wrong with them? Why me? I understand the 66-year-old, hell, I probably do look great to him. :-)

Conflicting thoughts all the time, Laura...

And I do miss some of my clothes. I'm wearing one of my favorite pants. It will be too big if I can lose another 5 or 10 pounds (I guess) and it will make me sad. It's familiar. It's not like we can't go out and get another nice pair. But when you've been fat as I've been, it's not that easy. Maybe we haven't gotten the concept that we're not as fat as we were and we CAN get new clothes and love it as much.

Congratulations on losing and I know you look wonderful.

Grumpy Chair said...

I kept one outfit that I wore at my largest 201 pounds: a black velour sweatsuit. I have given away everything else that became too big.

I look forward to the day that I can put that black sweatsuit on and have my picture taken because it swallows me up. . . oh one day.

Congratulations on the just a hair shy of the 30 pound loss - maybe you will get to do an LA Weight loss commercial?.