2020 Update--All things big and small

Hello from stay-at-home Southern Indiana, where life in the time of Covid-19 is weirdly still pretty normal but also twistedly sooo NOT normal it's enough to make me break down every few days and cry. Can I get an Amen?

Here's what happening in our little corner…

Mark and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, by doing nothing and going nowhere...because we were in lockdown. I did get my engagement solitaire remounted into an anniversary band, which was "held hostage" at the jewelry store until last week (I emailed them and they had just reopened for private appointments).

I turned 50 a couple weeks ago. We celebrated by going nowhere…. same story as above. We ordered Red Lobster take out. I bought myself stuff. I also took the day off from work and everyone was very nice to me. Lots of Facebook happy birthdays. It was fine. I'm in a new decade. I'm half a century old. (Dear God.)

We are both still working. I work at a hospital (I don't take care of patients, I'm a unit secretary) so my job is essential. Our patient census is really low. People just aren't coming to the hospital in general. It is so weird. I'm thankful to have my job and health insurance (the reason I work). But. I work where the sick people are. We have had patients on our unit who have been positive for Covid. And we have had staff who have been around people who have been positive for Covid at other jobs (like RNs who work at nursing homes). So that is scary. So far none of our staff has been positive, and we all wear masks when we work. So I wear a mask for 12 hours--a home made cloth mask, because we don't have enough masks for nonclinical staff to have procedural masks. Until my step-grandmother made me a giant cloth mask a week ago, I was really struggling with "air hunger" and claustrophobia—it is a bitch to wear a close-fitting mask for 12 hours. This new mask I have is big enough that I have room to breathe without it sucking into my mouth.

Mark is working from home most days, he goes into the office maybe 2 days a week. His client appointments are phone calls. Being a financial advisor is whack right now, I'm sure. I don't really ask what's going on, I know it's crazy. He already had his clients defensively positioned for the most part, but no one could anticipate this. He's been in this career for 27 years, so he's seen a lot, but who the hell knows what is going to happen in the next few years, with Fed rates at 0% and unemployment at depression levels. We are in scary times.

In random news… I've started repainting the inside of the house. This began pre-Covid. I haven't painted some areas since we moved in 21 years ago, it is high time for a refresher. Things are very dated. I'm going with a grey-blue palette mostly. I redid our front room in January, it's a cozy den that we can all enjoy now instead of a crappy catch all room that no one ever uses (I can't tell you how much this room has improved our lives). I've finished the hallway and I'm on the entryway. I am sloooow. I get a burst of energy and paint for 5 hours, then I don't paint for a week. I have everything out on the dining room table so it's no big deal to just let it sit and then decide "hey I'm going to paint for a couple of hours today." I plan to paint the entire house (kids rooms have already been painted in the last few years) so this is a project over a year or so. I have all the colors picked out. It should be lovely when I'm finished.

I am still seeing my therapist about once every 3-4 weeks, now on the computer of course, which turns out to work just fine for me. I also added a new drug to my medication regimen—I now take R exulti (space is intentional—i don't want to end up in a search engine). It's a relatively new drug, an add on for antidepressants. I've been struggling since last year, A LOT, to find a balance with hormones, depression, & anxiety. I went to my primary doctor, my OB/GYN, a new holistic doctor (who cost me $$$ but did more harm than good), and NO ONE helped me. My OB wanted to give me an IUD (um, no). The holistic doctor had all kinds of tests run on me, including hormones, and then when I went to my appointment, she just barely glanced at the results, and prescribed a pre-determined dosage of hormones—which messed. me. up. I got off those hormones after two months. Oh my gosh I was sooo much worse on them. I am pissed off that no one can or will help me but whatever, I digress.

I also talked to my nurse practitioner about my psych meds, and we increased my wellbutrin by 75 mg, which increased my anxiety after about 6 weeks—which tracks, bc I can't take more than 150 mg of wellbutrin, this happened when I took 300 mg of wellbutrin, I had panic attacks. But we hoped 75 might help. It didn't. So then she thought let's try this new drug R exulti. We'll start on the lowest dose. OK, I am at the end of my rope. Seriously, I was crying every day, weighed more than I ever have, no energy, just really bad. I got the Rx (after the PA, it is super expensive), and then I went home and read the reviews online. OMG this has some horrible reviews—including major weight gain as a side effect. I left the drug in my bathroom for a week. And I continued to be miserable. Finally I gave up and just took the damn pill. And two days later—TWO DAYS—I felt better. I kid you not. Never has a drug made me feel better in two days. I just continued to feel better and have more energy and LOSE weight. I think this works for me because it works on dopamine in multiple ways, and that is what my brain likes. I've been on it for 2 months, and it has made a huge difference for me.

I've also had a CPAP machine for a little over a month. YAY middle age! But seriously, that CPAP is my bestest friend. I love him with all my heart. He breathes for me and helps me sleep and makes it all better (and I don't snore! So I can sleep in my own bed!). I finally feel rested and human again. It has been years since I've woken up and not felt like I've been hit by a truck. I wish I'd gotten a sleep study sooner. It took 3 months from my appointment with the nurse practitioner to when I got my machine, but it was worth it.

OK so food and weight. I'm attending OA meetings. I started going back before this Covid crap. My friend Amy and I had gone to like 3 meetings and then BAM! STAY HOME. So we now have Zoom OA meetings. I can go to a meeting with no makeup in my PJs (which I just did). Woot! No excuses. I'm not really working a program but I'm eating kind of better. (Drug mentioned above helps.) I've lost about 15 pounds this year, which has made a difference in my clothes. It's coming off super slowly. I am entertaining the idea of getting a sponsor and starting the steps of OA, but I'm also super hesitant because 1) can I do really do that while we are in this quarantine unreal state of life? and 2) I can't go anywhere, it is hard enough to work a program in "normal" times, how would I do this now? The flip side is, am I just going to wait until we get back to "normal" because that could be years. Am I going to wait years for recovery? Ugh, not an appealing idea.

Kids!
Sophie graduates this year. Well, she's a senior and school ends. No idea what is happening with graduation. The school is trying to figure something out. Next weekend her boyfriend's parents are taking pictures of them in their prom clothes (thankfully, we bought her a dress she can wear again, it is simple enough to wear to any black tie event). She still hasn't decided what college she's going to attend. it is down to two private schools in Illinois. She received the highest scholarships awarded at both schools, and additional scholarships to one of the schools. She hasn't visited one of them; we had a visit scheduled on 3/28, which of course was cancelled. She's visited "online" and she likes a lot of what they have to offer. But it is very hard to make a "yes" decision for a college you've never set foot on. Also, it is very hard to make a commitment to a college when there is a very big chance you will be doing online school there next year for part or all of the year. She really likes the other school she has visited (which has given her more $ and would be less out of pocket and is an hour closer). There are pros and cons for both schools. If Illinois ever lifts the stay at home order, maybe we can visit school #2, but who knows. The decision date has been pushed out to July 1st. We have deposits at both schools and right now she's moving forward as if she's attending both, so that she can make a decision at the last minute. It is so stressful.

In some ways the stay at home thing helped Sophie because she was about ready to break when it came to school. She was a stressed out mess. School was ridiculously stressful this year. And then BAM! full stop it's done. Yes, they have online classes and she's busy of course. But her IB tests were cancelled (International Baccalaureate diploma - it is what her HS is known for and what Jr and Sr year are structured around, taking tests that are graded by people around the world - Covid comes and the tests are just cancelled). So her stress level went POOF GONE. Her boyfriend also came home from college in March so they have been able to see each other (yes they see each other. We aren't seeing people, their family aren't seeing people, no one sees the harm in the two adult teenagers seeing each other, they would go crazy otherwise). In other ways, this has been horrible for her. No warning, no seeing her friends for the last time, no yearbooks signed, no Prom, no Senior night, no last month of school easy breezy fun time after exams. So much loss. This generation of kids is going to have some serious abandonment/loss issues, I think. It is really sad, we haven't even begun to see the repercussions of it and no one is talking about it.

Luke is already homeschooled so this didn't affect his school at all. It did set us back as far as getting him out of the house. We had just started getting him back out into the world and now, of course, he's right back to being stuck inside, which is where he wants to be anyway. But it is still hard on him. He has days where it all feels pointless. He has very little to do. He has one friend he talks to on facetime, which helps some. It's not like we can promise to start something new for him because there is nothing we can do right now. Plus he has horrible spring allergies so he can't go outside (this has been a thing since he was 5 years old—he has to stay inside for like 6 weeks in the spring while the trees bloom because he's allergic to all the tree pollen). But… he is mostly ok. Mark spends time with him, I spend time with him, he plays with the puppy, he enjoys his video games, he does his school, we watch TV together. We will get through this. He's growing tall (he's 5' 9"+… I KNOW) and his hair is growing out. He decided a couple months ago he didn't want to get his hair cut anymore, so his bangs are now to his mouth and it's well below his chin. He actually looks really cute, he has great hair, it's wavy and he's at the age he can pull it off. It is so weird having this boy whose voice cracks and is as tall as my husband and who has the largest feet in the house and who can reach anything I can't and helps carry in the groceries.

Family…
My mom & stepdad and sister are OK. I've seen my mom once, at the end of the driveway with our masks on. I miss seeing her. She was going to help me paint but I don't want her around me since I'm still working and I don't want to risk it. My sister isn't working, but she is getting paid (lucky). She is baking and giving away her baked goods. (She is a food pusher by nature—this is the person who put chocolate pie in my mouth at Christmas when I wasn't expecting it.) So twice she has brought us cookies and treats. I gush and say thank you, but have thrown most of it away.

Other random stuff…
I make weekly to do lists, there is always so much to do, and I rarely get everything done.

We are refinancing our house and cutting our interest rate by more than half.

We had our deck cleaned and painted, it had 15 years of yuck on it and it looks so much better.

I'm having our yard mowed this year instead of mowing it myself (this is a HUGE burden I've taken off myself, totally worth the $).

We had a tornado come through a few weeks ago, it missed us by just a couple of miles, and I was thankful I had the trees trimmed last November because the winds that came through were brutal and we would have lost those pear trees had they not been heavily pruned last year.

The only places I go and get out of my car are work, Target, and the grocery store. I drive through the pharmacy, McDonalds, and pick up food at our local pizza place. I use DoorDash occasionally and we pick up food from other restaurants once in a while. Sometimes I drive through Starbucks (which is always packed), although only one Starbucks is open and now it is closed on the weekends. And mostly this is what I did before Covid hit. Except I went to the mall or Home Depot or other places to shop, but I can do all these things online. So life still seems "kind of normal." Except I'm shopping with a mask on, and half the people in the store (ONLY about half—are you kidding me??!!) have masks on too and there are X's made of tape telling me to stand 6 feet away from my neighbor in the check out line—reminding me this is sooo not normal.

I need new glasses but the eyeglass stores aren't open. I can't wait for them to reopen. Is that selfish of me? I guess it's selfish. I'm selfish.

The eyeglass store did see Sophie because when they went to all online school and she was on her computer for 10 hours a day, her astigmatism was really bad and her glassed from middle school (I know, but she never wore them) weren't cutting it. So the eye doctor considered Sophie an "emergency" and let her be seen. So Sophie has two new pairs of adorable glasses. And she can work on her laptop without her head and eyes hurting.

I will shower and put on makeup and do my hair and wear a real bra to go nowhere (I do wear yoga pants, I'm not totally crazy)—it just feels better to be put together.

I have started using Color Street nails since I can't get my nails done and I love them.

I miss my hair stylist more than anyone else and I hope and pray my appointment at the end of May sticks.

Now that I can't, there are so many people that I want to have lunch or coffee with. I hope when this madness is over and restaurants open up, I remember that feeling and set up lunch dates with all of them.

Be well, friends. xoxo