June update

Hello there!

Yes, it's been a looooong time since I've posted.  Mostly because I'm not in a great place emotionally and don't like to talk about it.  I definitely tend to cocoon and isolate when I'm feeling more anxious and depressed in my life. 

So here's what's been going on. 

Kids got out of school at the end of May.  We have no vacation plans, other than possibly taking them to Louisville for a brief weekend trip at the end of July.  That in itself is depressing, because it's hard to deal with your kids' (teenage daughter specifically) asking if we have vacation plans for the summer and having to tell them we can't afford to take them anyplace special, especially when her friends are taking European vacations and annual trips to Florida.  So that's strike #1 against my anxiety filled summer. 

Strike #2 is that my kids had no camps to go to this summer, other than Sophie going to a one-week sleep away camp earlier this month, so they have been stuck at home by themselves every day. They are homebodies and like to introvert and be in PJs and are indoorsy by nature.  But day after day after day gets to a person.  My mom had been coming down once a week to take them swimming at my sister's house, which was helpful but not really enough to break up the monotony. 

Last week it hit Sophie hard and she had a little mental breakdown and said she couldn't take it anymore.  She had to get out of the house and needed something to do.  So I arranged with my mom to do more with them this week.  It helped.  Mom took them to the library Monday, and then Tuesday and Wednesday she took them to her house and they spent the night and did some things up there in the country.  

Sophie decided she didn't want to be a counselor in training at the camp she usually helps at--she had a bad experience last year and didn't want to repeat it.  And she felt too old to do the acting camps she usually does.  So that's why she had nothing on her calendar but the sleep away camp she does each year.  

Luke hasn't done a regular camp for several years.  He hates being outside when it's hot and I haven't been able to push him beyond his comfort zone to do anything else.  I'm just not THERE to help him.  I can't make my mom be responsible for doing these things to help raise my children during the summer.  So he's become a summer home body. It doesn't seem to bother him as much as it does Sophie.

I have a lot of mom guilt over having to work full time and leaving them at home by themselves. I was left at home alone with my sister when I was a pre-teen and teenager, and I hated it. And I hate relying on my mom, who means well but isn't the best at coping with kids and gets stressed easily.  I think she did OK this week because the kids had fun.  Luke doesn't sleep well at her house, which is also hard to deal with. Sophie was a big help in trying to talk him through some coping strategies but he still had a hard time. 

Strike #3 is that my meds are out of whack and I can't get in to see my nurse practitioner.  She now travels to Cleveland during the week, working on her doctorate, and is only seeing patients on a limited basis.  I had an appointment on 6/27 which was cancelled.  My next appointment is now 8/27.  

My anxiety is off the charts.  I have to take xanax every day just to get through.  I stopped taking the stimulant vyvanse, which I was taking during the winter and spring months, but it can cause anxiety--at least I figured that much out.  But I think my buspar needs to be increased--this is an anti-anxiety med.  I also stopped taking rexulti, which is a "booster" medication add-on, because my coupon was about to expire and I couldn't afford the copay that I was going to have to pay on it.  So I've made two adjustments on my own, one good with dropping the vyvanse (we had discussed going off of it during the summer months), one maybe not good with dropping the rexulti without discussing it with her. 

Sophie goes back to school August 4.  She has two big projects that she's supposed to be working on that are due when she starts school.  I think she's glanced at them and maybe watched part of a video for her history project.  I'm stressed about that, because I know they are time consuming and she's not started them.  Every time I mention her homework she gets upset and says it makes her not want to do it.  She says she's a good student, she'll get it done.  Yet it's not getting done and time is ticking away.  It is so hard for me to keep silent and just let it go when I know she's going to be scrambling at the last minute if she doesn't get started soon.  I haven't said anything for a week or so. I"m trying to keep my mouth shut. 

She's going to Chicago this weekend with three of her friends; one of the parents is taking them. So she's lucky she has this weekend to look forward to and we are paying her way for that. I'm praying she doesn't have any dizzy spells and keeps herself hydrated. Any number of things could trigger her vertigo--the long car ride (motion sickness), if she doesn't drink enough water while they are walking around the city (I'm sending water bottles but she's pushing back on taking too many with her, said she can find water fountains to refill them, but I won't be there to remind her to drink water all the time), if they take elevators up the tall buildings (I have NO idea what that will do to her). She's been doing OK until yesterday when she got dizzy on the golf cart at my mom's. Little things can sometimes set her off. 

Luke goes back to school August 10th.  He starts band this year--he's playing the trombone.  They have band practice before school starts at the high school; a bus will pick him up at home, take him to the high school for band, then the bus will take him to elementary school.  I really really hope he takes to it OK.  I've talked to him about how it may be hard but he has to stick with it. He knows he needs something in his life as a hobby/interest and this may be it. 

Sophie will need a ride to and from school every day; no buses to her downtown school. I thought we had a carpool set up with her friend's mom who lived 3 minutes from our house, but they decided to move this summer to a new house.  So now they live about 12 minutes away.  So I don't know what's going to happen to the carpool situation.  Yet another anxiety producing situation I have yet to deal with. 

I'm still working for Mark a day and a half a week, and working at the college 32-36 hours a week.  I'm not really feeling fulfilled at either job. Both are pretty boring and I don't feel challenged.  So my work life is bleh. Do I tell anyone any of this? Oh hell no.  It stays all bottled up inside and I pretend like everything is hunky dory.  I'm a worker drone like millions of other people, doing my job and living for the hours I get to go home and put on my PJs. Sad, I know, but I don't see a way out and it's just the stage of life I'm in right now. I've kind of accepted it as the way life is right now. 

My weight is staying stable at around 164 pounds.  I only weigh once every few weeks and it's always around 164.  My diet isn't great, but I'm still not eating desserts or binge eating.  No OA meetings and I don't talk to my sponsor anymore.  I really don't have a support system at all. Things kind of fell apart on that front.  But at least I'm not eating ice cream and cookies and cake. That mindset stuck like glue, thank goodness. 

Is there any good news to report?  Well, let's see.  Mark started working out at the gym again, which is awesome.  He needs to keep his heart healthy.  Sophie's vertigo has mostly been non-existent for the last several months (until the brief episode yesterday which hopefully has resolved itself).  We are mostly financially OK, although there is nothing "extra" from month to month. Sophie finished her confirmation class at church and was confirmed as a member a few weeks ago. Both the kids had their physicals and dental checkups this summer, so those are done.  Luke had an appointment for new shoe orthotics yesterday, which he desperately needs since the ones we had made two years ago don't keep his feet from hurting.  We had a nice little day trip to New Harmony last Saturday that was one of the most pleasant family outings we'd had in a long time. Mark and I are planning a Friday-Saturday trip back to New Harmony for just the two of us next weekend. Nobody has been sick with the flu or colds or anything serious. 

So I guess it's not all gloom and doom.  I need to remember that, don't I? 

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading my rambling thoughts today.  I hope you are having a good summer.