Friday, August 28, 2009

A review, a link, and a realization

POM WONDERFUL! Pomegranate juice is mighty tasty. Especially when it's free and comes in cute little baby bottles. I was thrilled to receive a case of POM from these good folks, and it was the first time I'd ever had 100% pomegranate juice. If you haven't tried it, go get some! It's delicious. And has many health benefits, too.

My husband drank most of the juice, since he's a known juice consoisseur & a wee bit greedy when it comes to cold wet things in the fridge. But, after I read about these health benefits, I've decided my husband can drink all the pomegranate juice he wants. Click the link & you'll know what I'm talking about.

Than you POM Wonderful for sharing your juice with me. You're a little pricey, but you're tasty. I'm sure you'll be finding your way into my shopping cart more often.

I started fretting about my 40th birthday before I even turned 39. Seriously, I set up a countdown on FaceBook in March 2009 entitled "Laura turns 40."

Being that I'm now only 228 days from the big 4-OH (I know it's 228 days thanks to the above mentioned countdown), I'm greedily inhaling any and all whiffs of hope that middle age isn't all that bad. This article about Amby Burfoot was one of those stories of hope. Sure, he's a Boston marathon winner, which makes him practically super human, but he's still human. So his "age defying mindset" tips are refreshing as spring rain. Even if you're not a runner, you might enjoy his point of view.

In case you were wondering, I've fallen off the Crack the Fat Loss Code wagon. It all started last Thursday, which was a Carb Up day that I never came Down from.

Yesterday I was logging my anxious & depressed mood into my "MOOD" excel spreadsheet (what would I do without my excel spreadsheets? I use them to track EVERYTHING). And I realized that my anxiety and depression ratcheted up on the day I started eating bad carbs. And just like my carbs haven't come back down, neither has my anxiety or depression. I've had a rough week and a half.

Now, even though this should not be an AHA! moment, being that I've been dealing with food and weight loss and depression for most of my adult life, the pieces sort of fit together at last while I was studying the columns & rows of "moods.xls."

I googled "anxiety and depression and sugar and carbohydrates" and found several entries that confirmed my theory that my depression and anxiety come raging when I'm eating the wrong stuff. I mean, I knew I felt guilty & fat & bloated when I ate sugary fattening foods. And I knew I got the wants & wanted more when I ate those foods. And I knew my night eating cravings came back when I fed my body junk during the day.

But I didn't realize--either because I blocked it on purpose or because my subconscience was blocking it for me, protective little bastard that it is--that sugar and chocolate and the like can cause anxiety and depression to worsen in some people.

What the hell? I asked myself. Why hasn't anyone ever told me this before? Why didn't I know this? I'm not talking about you eat poorly, you gain weight, you feel bad about yourself, you're depressed. I'm talking about the hard-core biochemical shit that's been screwing with my brain lately.

Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Maybe the wellbutrin is messing things up in my sensitive little noggin. Or maybe, just maybe, I am sensitive to sugar in more ways than it just makes me fat.

Maybe it's making me crazy, too.

So, one of the resources I found was for the book "Potatoes Not Prozac." Have you heard of it? I remember reading that title years and years ago & thinking the author must be nuts to think a potato could replace prozac. But after reading some other websites and reading an interview with the author about symptoms that are very similar to mine, I ordered the book off of Amazon yesterday and it's in my hands today. (God bless those speedy folks at

I must confess something to you now. And this is not a pretty confession. It's very difficult, actually. So sit down if you're not sitting down already.

The primary reason I caved & bought yet another book is because she talked about how craving sugar can eventually lead to craving alcohol. I have never ever been much of a drinker. Never. I didn't drink in high school or college, and in my early 20s when I was going out with girlfriends, I was always the sober designated driver. I've been a sober prude for most of my adult life. Ask anyone who's known me for longer than two years and they'd agree that I can be the world's biggest wet blanket.

But in the past year, that's started to change. I get home from work and I need a drink (man, that sounds just awful). I automatically reach for a bottle of Mike's Hard Pomegranate Lemonade (which, I believe, is NOT 100% pomegranate juice so it unfortunately does not have the same benefits as POM Wonderful) the minute I'm changed out of my work/workout clothes. Some nights I want a 2nd bottle after the kids are in bed.

The weeks I was doing the Crack diet successfully, I was still having a Mike's once in a while. I could still lose, as long as I stayed away from junk food. Junk drink seemed to not derail me.

Except, actually, it did knock me off the rails, because now one bottle isn't enough.

Yes, I know this is a problem. A big, ugly, fucking grown up problem.

So. Add that to the list of problems I've got.

Middle aged acne is another big one that I don't yet have a solution to, but that's for another day.

(Believe it or not I'm not drinking while writing this. I know I sound a little loopy. I'm feeling okay right now and I'm on an upswing I guess. Those upswings bring out the goofiness in my writing style, to be sure.)

Part of me can't wait to get into this book over the weekend and see if it can help. Part of me thinks I'm a total freaking moron to think yet another book is going to fix me.

But the biggest part of me feels like it's all going to be okay, as long as I keep searching, keep learning, keep listening to what my brain and body are trying to tell me.

I am running, and I am sleeping, and I am loved by my family. The rest of it will work itself out, God willing.


Diane, Fit to the Finish said...

I love the honesty in your post. You are obviously very self aware. Your last paragraph shows that you are strong, and will be able to succeed!

Doc Manette said...

Don't sweat the big 40! You are a perfect example of "40 is the new 30"! You lost and have maintained that loss of 60 pounds for two years, you are a runner, and a working mom!

I so understand about the drinks, as someone who needed a glass of wine just to be able to tolerate vileman. As soon as the big hand was on 12 and the little hand on 5, the wine begin to flow (because I wouldn't dare drink before 5:00!) Soon, two glasses were not enough to numb me and I didn't want to be a three glasses/night drinker, so . . . I got bigger red wine goblets (think BIG!). I know had I stayed in that environment for any longer lenght of time, the wine would have become a problem.

I have no taste for the stuff now - cannot even bear the smell.

Only YOU know why the Mike's Hard Lemonade is your pacifier right now. Maybe make a new spreadsheet and record your emotions/what kind of day you had/etc. when you think/feel the need to reach for a bottle.

Jill said...

Hey Laura - this right here: "But the biggest part of me feels like it's all going to be okay, as long as I keep searching, keep learning, keep listening to what my brain and body are trying to tell me." This is why I KNOW you will be okay. You already know it in your gut that you are going to get this all worked out, so just keep researching. And don't be afraid to post what's going on - you should know by now that we won't judge you or let you fall to far.

On a more selfish note - I'm going to email you about your spreadsheets. I love creating spreadsheets!!

I am actually looking forward to 40 - I have a feeling 40 is going to be my decade (and yours too!).

The drinking - we are opposites. I drank like a frickin fish in college and now drink rarely (even though I WANT to drink more than I do). I'll pretty much only drink when the kids aren't around, and since they are always around, I don't drink as much as I could. At least you recognize that the drinking is becoming a crutch now - some people don't realize it until they are on their way to The Betty!

And for the record, I love your goofy writing style! Makes me feel like I'm not the only one! ;)

Vickie said...

has your psychiatrist talked to you at all about food?

Mine is a vegan and very much a yoga person - so perhaps that is why he did - but he has stressed the importance of whole foods since the very beginning.

and you can do (what you call) Crack with whole foods. . .

someone just asked me about (what you call) Crack the other day as it relates to food addicts.

And that is one thing that is not addressed by this plan (nor any 'just count it' plans).

If one did not understand what they can and can not eat (without sabotaging themself) - one could fall into MAJOR difficulties and think that they were just weak or doing badly.

There are food plans that are made for food addicts and there are food plans made for people that just need to lose a few pounds.

Most all of US are food addicts (with the potential to be all the other kinds of addicts - $$$, sex, clutter, alcohol, etc) and it is really important for us to understand that a diet is never going to work. We have to look at the big picture. I loved this posting of yours - because everything you talked about is looking at the big picture.

My, myself and I needed to follow Kay to figure out eating at meal time, portions, clean food - to REALLY understand that down ward spirals that processed food starts.

It is hard to recover from a downward spiral. It is harder when one has NO idea what causes them.

So it sounds as if this week has been very valuable for you.

Vickie said...

first I was NOT going to put this here, because they very kindly sent you a product to review - but then I thought - someone else might come along and think JUICE what a great idea.

I can't drink juice. It sets me off just as much as a baked good - too much concentrate/sugar even if it IS natural/healthy. I would keep going back and going back for another little sip. And it would stray my path for the rest of the week.

Were you drinking juice on your carb up day that never ended?

Mama said...

Definitely sounds like you've made some interesting revelations! Hope things continue to become clearer for you.

I don't tend to drink during the week, but I've found that when I have even ONE drink, my cravings go absolutely crazy and I want to just eat and eat and not stop. I haven't stopped drinking (what can I say, I love good beer more than chocolate), but I've definitely tried to pay more attention to not binging when I drink.

Hang in there!

MCM Mama