Saturday, August 08, 2009

Epiphanies and Moving On

I'm around, just haven't been able to write because I've mostly used up all my words by speaking too much during the day and have nothing left to share here.

It's been a difficult week with my Dad, for many reasons other than his illness. I had an epiphany Wednesday--just because someone has a deadly disease doesn't make them into a new person. There are reasons I haven't been part of my dad's life for years. Those didn't go away just because he got sick. We had The Talk on Sunday and it was healing, but it didn't really change things.

And just as I chose not to be sucked into the loathsome relationship he has with his wife for the past 6 years (my dad is her 7th husband, and that sin is a faint blush compared to the rest of the evil which is contained in her being), I do not have to be part of what is happening now. I am still who I am, too. And I will not compromise myself or my family just because he's leaving this earth soon.

A person dies the way they live. There's just no getting around that fact.

So. Wednesday was The Difficult Day. In addition to driving to St Louis & back for Sophie's follow up neurology appointment--which went great...her MRI from 6 weeks ago was normal, of course, and she has had a great summer with NO significant dizzy spells. The meds are working and she's not suffering any side effects--I also listened in on the meeting with Dad, his wife, my sister, and the attorney on the Will discussion. That's when most of the trouble started. It's all "thou shalt not blog about" stuff, but needless to say it pushed me over the edge and despite my best intentions, I completely drowned my misery Wednesday night in Mike's Hard Lemonade, Lucky Charms, & Chips Ahoy.

Thursday I moved on. I had my epiphanies, ate a carb free breakfast, and got back to doing what I do best--putting the unmentionables of my life in a nice little box and shoving them under the bed where they belong. Well, not really. I talked about them more with family & friends, but emotionally I was done being upset. Done done done. Really. I'm done.

Exercise has been The Suck this week. Yesterday I finally ran 3 miles, and they felt good despite the heat & humidity. My diet has been back to where it's supposed to be, and my weight has been staying stable for days between 153.2 and 154.2, even after the Wednesday disaster. I expect to get more exercise in next week and staying on plan, so hopefully can shed another pound or two in Week 3.

In other random news, I've got this niggling pull in my brain that I should write a book. It's been there for about a year, and I keep ignoring it. I have no idea how this would happen or who would even read what I have to say (other than the handful of you fabulous folks who read my blather here, but, you know, I think a publisher would want more than 50 people to buy a book). But the new movie Julie & Julia, which was a blog, then a book, & is now a movie, has brought back the desire again. I keep thinking of Farmer Hoggett from Babe, and how he knew that ideas that pull and niggle shouldn't be ignored. I don't know. Probably nothing will come of it. I just needed to dump it out here so maybe it will go away. Or I'll do something about it. One or the other.

Today, Saturday, is The Great Endeavor to Clean Sophie's Room. My goal all summer has been to get it cleaned before school starts. Sure enough, Wednesday is D- day and we are cleaning today. It's scary in there--no food under the bed or anything, but so many toys you literally can't walk except for in strategically cleared spots. Needless to say, we're purging a ton of stuff, whether she likes it or not.


Vickie said...

suggestion for teaching kids to purge themselves.

let her figure out what to donate.

let her figure out what she actually uses or plays with on a regular basis (like in the last month).

for all the questionable things (that she wants - that you want to get rid of) but them in clean bins or clean garbage bags and put them in the attic. then she can monitor for herself if she really needs them. or if it is just panic over mass cleaning.

if you push to get rid of things - she doesn't learn to do it for herself. And it becomes a power struggle between the two of you.

Vickie said...

very sorry about your dad. you are totally right.

people often are MORE SO rather than less so - when they are dying.

my husband's one brother had a hard time understanding this about their mom - to be very blunt - brother thought that now he would be able to stand her, that she would act differently around her kids (since she is terminal) and she was MORE So and it was very painful to him. I think he thought they would be able to repair - to have a good relationship for her last years - and it was actually awful. He put himself in vulnerable positions with her (he invited her to come stay with her for a week - with no one there as a buffer - really dumb move for him) and then it was very painful for him.

I am sure there are people that DO BETTER - but I think they are few and far between.

perhaps the ones in hospice - where the family comes in for short times and it is in neutral territory.

you have saved your kids a lot of heartache in accepting reality. you will not be dragging yourself (and therefore them) through the woulda-shoulda-couldas as you deal with his illness/death.

sharla*** said...

If the voice keeps telling you to write a book, then it's meant to be!

Just watched daughter pack her room and brought back the cleaning out days with barbie, ponies, etc

Hope your feeling better!

LG said...

Listen to your voices. I think a book would be awesome.

As for your dad, everyone's comments are right on. There may be some changes but you have to operate the way that's best for you and your family.

I am thinking of you and trying to get some info your way. XOXOXO

debby said...

Ugh. Complex family stuff. I agree, people don't change much.

And about the book. Isn't all this blogging just practicing our writing skills? Go for it!

Laura said...

Thank you all for your support.

For Vickie--I let Sophie clean her own stuff out. We clean together, but she chooses what to give away/sell in garage sale. When I am cleaning I know what's junk, & if I don't then I ask & she tells me to keep or pitch. We've always cleaned like this & she is used to getting rid of. We filled two big garbage bags with give away/sell, and two big bags of trash (some boxes & bulky stuff, not all toys in trash). Her room looks adorable now. Got her a new quilt for her bed & it makes the room. She will have a good start for school.

Jill said...

The book? Very cool idea! Hey will you put me in the "I have to thank..." page? Just so I can see my name in print? ;)

Your dad: Sometimes God gives us a break and lets us have a little wisdom every now and then! You are right to not expect more of him than he can give AND to keep yourself and your family out of his drama. Not worth it, even if it is your dad.

Sophie's room - don't you feel like you accomplished something MAJOR? Like maybe the local news should come and do a story on it? That's how I felt! Good for you for tackling that project! You know I feel your pain!

Have a good Sunday and I'll talk to you when I get back. :)

carla said...

oh I GET the "words are used up during the day"

thanks so much for sharing that thought as I truly believed I was the only one.

and I cant comment but only say wow. powerful. with regards to your remark about a person dying how they lived.

Ive never, ever considered that.

and shall.