Monday, September 28, 2009

Too much

My dad kicked his emotionally abusive wife out last Wednesday. You might remember the drama around his illness (he has ALS) and his wife trying to drive my sister & me away from him. He'd finally had it last Wednesday after yet another confrontation and told her to leave. He not only told her to leave, he called my sister and asked her to come over to protect him. Then he asked my sister to call my mom & her husband and have them come over so they could protect him. This is unprecedented. My dad wants my mom around, my mom and her 6'6'' husband who has a concealed weapons license. Dad's afraid. He hasn't been alone for one minute since she left. And she's left peacefully, for now.

I've been spending a lot of time with him since then, which has been a huge blessing.

The good news is that a tremendous peace has settled on our family now that she's gone.

The bad news is now I can't just put his illness and my feelings in my nice little box and file it away and ignore it. I have to deal with all the emotions. And it's hard. Really really hard.

I'm not losing any weight, because I have zero energy for it. I'm scared. I realized yesterday I could easily have 40 pounds to lose instead of 10 if I don't get a handle on myself soon. I have got to make exercise a priority. It's the only thing that is going to save me, because I don't have the energy to do the food right now. Exercise makes a difference on every level. I feel better, I look better, it helps keeps the comfort food eating in check.

But I have had no time to do anything since Wednesday, before I got the call from my sister Wednesday night.

I'm not spending all my nights with my dad. There are miracles at work and we have other family members (on my dad's side) who are living with him & taking care of his daily needs. But I'll be spending significant time with him every weekend, which I'm happy about. He may not have many weekends left. And I'm now co-Power of Attorney (with my sister) and I have responsibility for getting his finances figured out.

I'm not sleeping well, so I started taking xanax again to sleep. That makes it hard to wake up in the morning. It's all quite a mess, actually.

Anyway, I'm going to try to leave today at 4 p.m. and either take a body pump class or go running in this gorgeous weather.

I don't have all the answers. I know things could be worse. I know they could be much much better. I'm going to do the best I can. Please pray that I don't end up back at 200 pounds before this is all over with.

Vickie, you'd asked a while back when I go to sleep at night. That is a great question and you have zero'd in on a big problem I have. I'm a night owl by nature, & my brain gears up around 9 p.m. and I usually watch TV and do laundry or just vegetate on the couch or read. I go to sleep around 11 p.m. most nights, sometimes later (last night it was almost midnight). Not a good plan for breakfast, eh? It doesn't help that my husband stays up even later than I do. I need an overhaul!


Doc Manette said...

Gosh Laura, you have so much on your plate right now . . . I'll be thinking of you and your family every morning (I like to pray first think in the morning).

Glad that the abusive wife is out of your father's life. I hope it stays that way for your family's sake.

There might be organizations that can help . . . maybe APS (adult protective services or the VA if your dad is a vet?)

Vickie said...

WOW. Amazing that he would initiate removing her and then follow up on it. I wonder if he will stick with it? They usually don't. . .

Have you told your psychiatrist all that is going on with you? Might be some suggestions or help there.

You might be taking your pill too late.

I take all my meds at 9pm SHARP. And then I go to bed between 9:45-10:15pm and am asleep within about 2 minutes. I usually make it until 5:30-5:45am. I don't wake once during that 7-8 hour span. I wake easily and before my alarm and am not at all groggy.

And I am not on a sleeping pill.

I might be one day - but so far my combination is allowing me to fall asleep easily and stay asleep (which were both BIG problems for me).

I take 1 zyrtec, 2 benedryl, and my psych med. I also use both my nasal sprays (allergy, keeps my equilibrium thing level). All at 9pm.

And I sleep with a floor fan on for white noise. And I turn my alarm clock on at 9pm when I take my meds so I don't have to keep my mind clear to remember. I can truly let go.

I normally watch a show with the middle child before I go to sleep. And we watch NO commercials.

And as odd as this sounds - my whole family knows NOT to create problems of any kind in the later evening. My kids have always been this way. No complaining. No dreaming up something that needs done. NO noise. No phone. There is peace as everyone winds down their day.

If something needs done - the kids know to tell me when they walk in the door from school - not in the evening. And they are very good about telling me things for the next week - on Friday when they walk in the door at the end of their school week.

And this is not the current ages of my kids - they have all been like this through the ages.

I suppose it started with my asking them - right after school - and now it is just automatic.

Anything that you can do to stay even - will help you.

And my oldest reminds me all the time - there is no point in helping someone else to the point of sinking yourself - even if it is your dad. You are your own priority - and you have to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your kids.

Take action so that there is ONLY clean food around you. So there ARE foods that you can eat and then you are choosing from them.

And - even though this is a terrible thing to say - this won't be forever. You just have a while to get through - doing the best that you can - and then you will come out the other side. And better to DEAL with all the emotions of it now - while you still have his mind there - than later.

Mama said...

I don't have any advice. Just wanted to let you know I'm out here sending positive thoughts for you and your family.

Hang in there!!

MCM Mama

Jill said...

I think Vickie said everything I was thinking, but I wanted to add that I am always thinking of you and I will pray for you and your family (really I will, just as soon as I post this comment).

Think of the exercise as "stress relief" instead of weight loss - you will most likely get it done if it's in that context.

Hugs sister. Call me anytime if you need someone to vent to!

Annimal said...

Just want to send love to you. Let those who love you protect you in this journey.

Vickie said...

my mother had a suggestion

when she started taking her sleeping pills - she cut them in half.

She knew that she would be on them (probably) for life. And she did not want to keep upping the dosage to keep them working for her.

and HALF was enough (still is, many years later).

Vickie said...

tiny little update please.