Saturday, April 07, 2007


Last night at our friends' house, my friend Paula gave me her pictures from Palm Sunday's Easter egg hunt. There were some sweet ones of the kids. My daughter is getting so grown up and looks beautiful in the sunshine in her pink flowy dress with her straight hair and fair skin. My son's picture is of him after eating some candy, his cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk. He is getting taller and more slender as he grows, losing his baby belly.

Then there's the picture of me holding my son. Oh. My. I could have done without seeing that for the rest of my life. A week ago I felt so confident about my new outfit and how I looked in a size smaller clothing. All it takes to shake that apart is a photo of the truth-- I still weigh over 190 pounds and it's not pretty on film! Fat arms, very full thighs, double chin, and full cheeks (and when did my eyebrows get so thin? I think I've overtweezed lately). The baby was hiding my belly, so at least I didn't have to see that on film.

I'm surprised at how bummed it made me, and how my reaction was to WANT junk food. I ate my LA Lite (double chocolate bar) in the car on the way home (which I NEVER do). Thankfully at home I was distracted by my daughter's meltdown of not getting the eggs she decorated that night, so I didn't have the opportunity to stuff my face. But I am afraid that I would have. I was so ready to just toss it in, so depressed at what I saw in the picture. I did have about 6 spoons of cool whip free, which weren't "free" and didn't fill my emotional emptiness.

It's not rational, this reaction. I know that. I'm falling back to my comfortable old habit of stuffing down my uncomfortable feelings with food. At least wanting to stuff them down. It frightens me how closely to the surface that habit still is. How close I was to just throwing away the past 7 weeks of hard work.

Today and tomorrow will be busy days, which will at least keep me out of the way of food --notwithstanding the birthday cake and pizza I'll say no to at my daughter's friend's birthday party today, the Easter candy I'll say no to tomorrow morning, and the Easter delights at Sunday brunch. The food temptations in public aren't the problem. It's the all alone food that haunts me.

I'm down 16 pounds in 48 days. I'm exercising. I'm still On Plan. I'm going to be all right. And next Easter? I'm gonna look hot not only in my mind, but on film.


Vickie said...

I am totally okay with pictures now - but it took ALL THE WAY UNTIL NOW TO HAVE GOOD PICTURES in my mind - that 2D camera thing - so it wasn't you at all - WE ALL HAVE THIS - for a long, long time.

We look good to each other - to each other we can see as we lose - but to each of us - when we look at ourselves - it ain't a pretty picture for quite a while.

Just strengthen your backbone over it - it isn't you - it is all of us - the pictures don't look like we really look and they don't look at all how we look to ourselves - but they will get better - it just takes a while -

Vickie said...