Friday, April 20, 2007

Day 62 - 185.5

My scale's kind of stuck. I've been at this weight all week at home, and had reached it last week. I know it's normal to level out for a while, and it's definitely not a plateau, I just don't like it that it's not moving down .5 to 1 pound every few days like it has been. I've got to adjust my mind set, now that almost 20 pounds is gone. The weight might not melt off some weeks, but I'm going to continue to eat healthfully and exercise. ETA: At weigh in today at LAWL, a gain of 1.4 pounds, for official weight at 190 (suck-y :( )

A momentous day yesterday for me. I found two grey hairs. Finding only 2, but know there's more. I'm very vain about my hair, always have been. So this grey, old lady hair thing has me a little freaked out. My Nice & Easy color won't cover the grey like it does my normal mousy brown. And the grey is just one more reminder I'm getting older. Before you know it, I'll have to get glasses due to presbyopia.

My mom got glasses when she turned 40, and had had perfect vision until then. So you see, this whole getting old thing making me nervous is really about me being afraid of turning into my MOM. When I look at my SIL, who is in her mid 50s and in fabulous shape physically thanks to yoga and walking, I know it's not age that's the issue. It's NOT TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF AS YOU AGE that's the issue. And I'm taking care of myself. Now. But my mom-- never has. She takes care of everyone else, let's people (including me) take advantage of her giving nature, and doesn't stand up for HER time, HER needs, HER self. Low self esteem, or whatever.

She's a lovely, giving, kind person. I love her very much. But she drives me nuts sometimes, and I have major emotional, guilt issues with her and how she raised me and allowed me to raise myself in many ways. IF MY DAUGHTER ever came home at age 12 and told me she had ridden a motorcycle with an 18 year old, and later that same daughter came home with that 18 year old's high school ring, and later continued to "date" that same 18 year old, you can bet your life I would have stopped that "relationship" before it even got started. I cannot fathom letting my darling Sophie EVER date an ADULT at age 12! It makes my head spin, what she and my dad allowed, now that I'M the mom.

There's too much pain still here about this. I know I need to work through it, and have some, but it's buried so deep I can't dig it all up right now.

But, to get back to the getting old thing, I think it's about not wanting to turn into my Mom. I'm NOT my mom, and have made a wonderful life and have an amazing family, and I'm getting older and BETTER. By the time I'm 40, I'll be in better shape physically (and mentally) than I ever was at 30. So I'm going to hold onto that, and keep telling myself that.

And probably make an appointment with my hair stylist for a color and highlight.

1 comment:

Vickie said...

my husband found his first gray hair at 25, on our honeymoon. What my mother did/didn't do - is source of continuous wonder/pain. Myabe it is the time when they were getting married and having their kids. Uneducated? Too young? Oblivious to most everything? I think that my 9 year old has more sense and I know that my 17 year old does. . .