Running for 5 years & The Pizza Issue (162.8)

Yesterday I ran my first training run for the Princess Half Marathon in February.  As I did my intervals, I thought about how strong I feel when I run fast (fast for me anyway). 

And how I've been running for 5 years now. 

And how I've been unbelievably lucky, that my body has held up this long and I've not suffered injury (knock wood) and can still run fairly easily at age 42.

And how I hope I stay this fortunate well into old age.

The race in February will be my 7th half marathon.  Seven!  The fat girl I used to be would never believe I could run 7 half marathons, let alone one half marathon.

I can already tell it's easier to run at 163 pounds than it was training last year when I ran at 170-175 pounds.  I can't wait until I weigh even less.  Back in the losing-the-first-time days, I wanted to keep losing so I could run faster.

I want to keep losing so I CAN run faster.  That's a motivation to hold onto. 

I also want to get my legs back into shape.  I used to have gorgeous legs, when I was running & taking Body Pump classes.  I miss those legs.  I have middle aged mom legs now.  I can't wait to get some fat off & bring the muscles back to the surface. 

***

Day 21 of continuous abstinence today. 

I can't help it.  I can't stop thinking about losing my 30 days b/c of 3 slices of pizza.  To be fair, I probably would have put up more of a fight if I hadn't had 3 nights in a row of eating after 9 pm (Cliff & Luna bars, not a binge, just food I didn't need after 9 pm), before the "Pizza Incident."  So I started over b/c it's what my sponsor said I should do.  And I'm OK with that part.  What I'm not okay with is the feeling that pizza isn't really a binge food for me.

Monday night after my meeting I talked with a wise gentleman, who's been in the program for over 20 years, about my pizza episode/losing my 30 days.  He said the day count is about commitment. He commits to not eating binge food. There are certain foods that aren't binge foods but that he won't eat more than a certain amount. For example, on the rare occasion he eats pizza, he commits to eating only two pieces.  If he breaks his commitment, he breaks his abstinence.

Pizza is on my original binge list, but when I look back at how I behave around pizza, I don't have a relationship with it. 

We talked about what a binge food is at our meeting Monday.  If you dream about it, plan your life around it, eat a serving and need another serving right away, eat it compulsively until you feel sick, eat it and then are lead to eat another binge food, worship it and ultimately have a "relationship" with it--that's a binge food.

Sooooo many foods fit that description for me.

But, they don't apply to pizza.  Yes, if I let myself eat 5-6+ slices, I will likely eat something sweet to counter all the salt.  I think that yes, too much of a salty/carby food can trigger a binge for me. I have watched my reaction to foods that have a little sugar/a little starch, and have been very controlled in amounts I eat, and nothing has sent me into eating compulsively.

I'm not eating small amounts of junk foods--I'm talking about about things like 2 Tbsp coffee creamer, blue corn chips, a small serving of pasta, a frozen meal, a dinner entree at Olive Garden that had a sauce with sugar in it.  All things I eat with protein, never by themselves.

Important to note here that I SIMPLY CANNOT EAT "just a little" of foods like chocolate, pastries, candy, cookies, ice cream, pie, cereal, brownies, cake, bagels, muffins, white bread foods like rolls/breadsticks. And I can't eat ANY food in the family room after 9 pm.  These are NEVER AN OPTION. EVER.  Yes, I am prepared to never eat these foods again. But I don't have to think about never eating these foods again.  All I have to do is not eat them TODAY.

So back to pizza.  I like how the OA guy handled it.  I think I will have certain foods that I can have in small amounts, on rare occasions, that won't throw me into compulsive overeating.

I think my classification of foods will change over time, as I recognize foods that aren't a binge food now, but become a binge food. Or foods like pizza that I thought was a binge food but have reflected and decided it's not the food itself necessarily, but the quantity and situation.

I eat pretty much the same things all the time.  I don't need to have hugely varied food choices.  I just want to eat enough to fuel my body.  I don't need to entertain my tastebuds.  I have pretty much always been like this; this isn't something that has happened because I'm now in OA.  I am just boring when it comes to food.

I am choosing & praying & working hard to divorce myself from a relationship with food.

So why all the obsession about pizza?  That's a good question.  I think it's mostly ego--I feel cheated in a way, b/c I lost my 30 days on 3 slices of thin crust pizza.

But it's also practicality.

I have to find a way to work in some SANITY with the RESTRICTIONS of being abstinent. 

I have to work in a way to allow PROGRESS and NOT PERFECTION to drive my behavior and thought patterns.

And maybe I'm delusional and kidding myself and the queen of rationalization. I don't know.  I guess I'll see the next time I have the opportunity to eat pizza.

That does not mean I am going to think it's OK to have a piece of birthday cake at my son's birthday party in a couple weeks. I am programming myself to think about the above binge foods as an alcoholic would think about alcohol.  Other people may be able to eat those foods, but I can't.  I can't because I am an addict, and those foods will make me sick (mentally & physically) and one bite--just like one drink for an alcoholic--can send me into relapse.

I'm learning through prayer, reading, reflecting, talking, and writing, that it's not about losing a day count.  It's about doing everything I can to not lose my life to food addiction.

Checking in (163.2)

Still doing well.  Went to my 10th OA meeting last night.  I feel at home there. 

There are 30 questions in OA that you work through.  I just finished question 2.  I have become complacent and am not doing enough writing as OA instructs us to.  So I'm talking with my sponsor this morning about committing to doing one question a week. Otherwise this will take forever.

I'm using a composition notebook for my questions.  I may also take the time to type my answers into my blog, so you all can see what is going on in my head. 

Question 1 was my food history.  I don't need to type that here. This blog is my food history.

Question 2 is: Read step 1 (We admitted we were powerless over food--that our lives had become unmanageable). Reflect & write upon the effect food has had upon you over the years.  Do you truly see yourself as a compulsive overeater?  If so, explain.

More to come.

Pictures in the Park 2012 (163.4)

Pics from our photo session yesterday.  Perfect fall weather and location. This is the 4th time we've had Pics in the Park photos. The photographer is fabulous.  And only $55 for 120 pictures.  We have lots of good ones.  Here are some of the best.  The family pic on the bridge will most likely be our Christmas card.

Size 10s, Slightly Manic Weekend, Love your body (163.6)

I went shopping yesterday for new clothes.  Christopher & Banks has everything 40% off.  My size 12 pants from there were dragging the ground b/c they were hanging off my waist.  I fit in the size 10s just fine and I can wear them until I'm down another 8-10 pounds, which will probably be through winter.  I've been a medium on top for a while now. 

I am trying not to make a big deal out of the smaller size, as I wrote about last week.  The styles are simple & age appropriate. I'm not walking around thinking "woohoo! size 10s!"  I'm not doing a style show for my husband (although I did show him how my pants were falling off me and he said to go buy new pants).

It's been almost 2 years since I've been able to wear size 10s.

I'm on day 14 of abstinence.

***
I decided yesterday that I am going to do the Princess Half Marathon at Disney next February. We have enough reward miles for a free Delta ticket. 3 other girls are going again, and I need a race to train for so I will make myself run.  It just hasn't been happening.  A goal is what I need to make myself move.

***
Had an interesting weekend.  I was feeling slightly manic.  Had a ton of energy--cleaned out Sophie's room and the front room.  This involved several bags of trash & stuff for goodwill, and moving furniture.  I also had to sort through years of pictures and school memorabilia on the desk in the front room.  All in all, I spent about 10 hours over Saturday & Sunday working on two rooms. 

I also stayed up Saturday night until 2:30 am watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.

Monday was the crash. I was exhausted & felt back to normal/slightly down. I also was fighting off a virus Mark & Luke both had (headache, body ache, chills).  Tuesday was blah too.  I'm more normal today.

I found it interesting that the (slightly) manic thing has started again.  Maybe we need to adjust the lamictal, not sure.  I like feeling UP, though, in a way, because I feel so good when it happens.  I understand why some bipolar sufferers don't want to take meds.  The manic phase that they go through is much greater than what I feel.  Mine isn't out of control, I don't go on spending sprees or do stupid stuff.  But I can definitely feel the difference.

***
It's National Love Your Body day.  I have a hard time loving my saddlebags, but the rest of me I'm (mostly) OK with.

I've written before that if I didn't have saddlebags, I'd probably not care about losing weight.  They are what motivate me to lose weight so I will look proportionate.  There are several actresses who are tiny who have saddlebags--their backsides are small & not misshapen (like mine are with all the the extra fat), but they are distinctly pear shaped.  When I was at my smallest, I still hated my backside. I hope this time when I lose my extra weight that I can embrace my behind and not be so obsessed over it.

No matter what I weigh, I will likely always wear Assets/Spanx with dress pants and dresses. They squish in the bumpy parts so I look curvy and not misshapen. God bless Sara Blakely for inventing those things.

Clothes (164.0)

When I lost weight in 2007 & 2008, I went clothes crazy. The MINUTE I got down to 146, I went on a shopping spree because I could get into a size 6 for the first time in my entire life. I bought adorable clothing--age appropriate, but figure flattering and kind of sexy.

I could wear those clothes for about 6 weeks.

I also bought a lot of clothes when I wore a size 8, which was for about 2 years.  I loved those clothes. They were sporty, casual, dressy, gorgeous clothes.  I still have some of them--I gave most of the 10s and some of the 8s to my girlfriend Debra.  I won't get rid of anything else because I believe I can get back to 148-150.

Last week, when I hit 165, I tried on my skinnier size 12s.  Some fit ok, some were still too tight.  This week the Levi's w/o spandex fit, when they didn't last week.  That made me feel really good about my progress.

After the try-on session, I felt a little nuts. Nuts as in, "I can't wait to be in these skinnier clothes.  Where are my 10s? I need to have those ready. When will people notice I'm losing weight again? Why aren't they noticing now?  Why don't I have more cute clothes? I need to go shopping, pronto."

I didn't realize it until a couple days later, as I was still obsessing about what to wear--I hate almost everything in my closet...you know how that can be--that I needed to PUT THE BRAKES on this whole clothes thing.

I have to take the focus off the external, and keep it on the internal.  I got into trouble the last time I did this, when it was all about how I looked. I rewarded myself with new clothes at every turn. My self-worth was based on how I looked, and on the thought, "am I finally good enough to measure up to the cute girls?"

There are some pretty deep-seated issues here.  I didn't have a lot of money growing up. I could never wear Guess jeans, because I had hips as soon as I hit puberty.  I wore leggings & long sweaters through most of high school.  In middle school I just wanted to disappear, and I wore big baggy clothes, including men's shirts from the Dollar General store (I know....how sad is that?). I felt fat compared to everyone else, although looking back at my prom picture--when I wore a size 11 dress--I was perfectly normal, even on the small side, and not at all fat (although my 80s big hair was fat, haha).

Clothes can affect how we feel about ourselves, and I believe in dressing nicely and confidently and appropriately for my body shape.  That's not my issue here.

My concern is that I stay away from the mistakes I made before.  Clothing as a reward.  Buying clothes that I think will garner attention (even though, subconsciously, I can't yet handle that type of attention, which I didn't realize the first time I went through this).  Last time, the minute I could squeeze into a smaller size, I was in it.  This time, I'm wearing my baggy dress pants and will move into the smaller ones when they fit comfortably, not when I can first get into them. 

I have most of the clothes I need for the trip back down, although when I hit the 10s and 8s, I will need to shop since I gave most of those away. But that's not something I need to worry about right now.  I just have to focus on today.

***
Target had some cute basic tops that I got a couple weeks ago.  Two long sleeve v-necks, in black and a cornflower blue, and two short sleeve faux-wrap tees, in black and navy.  They were $10 or less each. I love them for work & for casual. I also got a leopard print dress from Target, that I am wearing to our client appreciate event this Friday at the zoo (if it's not too cold).  I will have my picture taken and post it after so I have a progress photo.  Shopping at Target is another change--I don't have to spend a fortune at Dillards or Ann Taylor Loft to look & feel good.

Why I had to start over with my day count (164.0)

I've been 164.0 for two days in a row.  I wore my size 12 Levi's last night to my OA meeting.  They were too tight last week.  These jeans have either 0 or 1% spandex (I will look at the tag tonight, I can't remember).  They don't stretch at all.  I was happy to be in them comfortably.  They aren't loose, but loose jeans just make my butt look bigger, so I don't like them loose.

My dress pants in size 12's from Christopher & Banks are getting too big.  The waist has a "comfort band" that has two buttons at the waist. The inside button cinches in the waist so it doesn't gap (my waist is smaller than my bottom, being I'm a pear, and I have to be careful about the gappy-waist thing).  I'm on the inside button but they are starting to slide down my hips a bit and are very baggy everywhere.  A few months ago, I had the cinch waist on the outside button and they were tight in the rear. 

Last week I wrote about how I was getting my 30 day chip.  As is my pattern, as soon as I declare a success, I sabotage myself.  I lost my day count last week.

I had a couple nights of late TV (watching Sons of Anarchy on NetFlix) in the family room, and had a Cliff bar & walnuts around 10:30 one night, another night had yogurt & fruit w/walnuts, and another night had a Luna bar.  I didn't binge, but it wasn't abstinent. 

The kicker was dinner on Wednesday night.  We have friends who moved back to Evansville from overseas, and we went to visit them at their new (huge) house in the neighborhood next to ours.  We ended up staying for dinner and had pizza.  Pizza is on my binge list (the foods above are not).  I had three slices of thin cheese pizza from Dominoes. 

I could have chosen not to eat it.  I had had fruit and a couple of pretzels that our friend had set out for all of us, and I wasn't hungry.  I just didn't feel like explaining why I wasn't eating.

The wife is from Thailand, and she is a big "hospitality" person.  I felt like if I didn't eat, I would insult her.  And I was having a bad case of the envy's, after touring their home.  It's beautiful and perfect and a house we would love to have but can't afford.  Our kids loved it.  Eating the pizza was easier & I wasn't able to muster to courage to say no.

I called my sponsor & left her a voicemail the next day, explaining my week & the pizza night.  She called me Saturday morning and we talked.  She said she realized I just got my 30 day chip, but I should just start over.  I asked what start over meant--start my day count over? She said yes, start your day count over.

I did not binge after the pizza (it was a late TV/yogurt night, but I didn't binge).  I did not compulsively OVEReat.  But I did break my abstinence.

Abstinence means abstaining from compulsive overeating.  You define your own abstinence. Mine is defined as not eating foods from my binge list and eating 3 meals a day.  That definition may change over time, but that is where I am now. 

I was darn lucky I didn't binge.  I could have, very easily.

At first I was ticked off that I had to start over.  If I define my own abstinence, I thought, then why can't I include a small slip-up as part of my abstinence?  Am I expected to be perfect?  What happens if I mess up again 6 months from now? 

I understand why she had me start over, at this early stage.  I do feel more accountable.  She told me not to let my ego get involved with the number of days. To take it one day at a time.

I don't have answers to "what happens if I mess up again?"  I assume I will start over again.  That is very disheartening.  It makes me want to do everything I can to stay abstinent.

I haven't had any more issues since last Thursday.  I went to dinner & a movie with my girlfriends at Olive Garden on Friday night, and had no issues at all.  Did not eat bread.  Had salad and the apricot chicken which has broccoli, asparagus, and tomatoes & a very light sauce (which must have had sugar in it, but it did not set me off). I didn't have any cravings after. (We saw Pitch Perfect--such a fun movie!)

I am getting through the weekends just fine--which is a small miracle. 

We are hosting Thanksgiving this year, and I have a ton of work to do on the house to get ready.  Lots of decluttering.  I cleaned out Luke's room & clothes Saturday, then took everything to Goodwill & my friend who got Luke's small clothes for her son.  It kept me busy.  I will be doing that every weekend until Thanksgiving.  Then I want to start on pictures and getting them printed & organized.  That will take me months. 

I'm thankful that when I'm not in the sugar, I have the energy and desire to stay busy.  My meds and SAD light are also working.

I'm on day 6 today.

Day 30 (165.6) -- Running & Yoga

Saturday was day 30 of abstinence.  I will get my 30 day chip tonight. 

Vickie wrote about runners who can't run any more & how we can fall apart when that happens.  It's a well written description, which she's gathered by observing bloggers going through this process.  I also very much enjoyed the comments.

http://baby-steps-v.blogspot.com/2012/09/when-running-becomes-priority.html

I also had a conversation Saturday with Niece Kate, the runner from Indy.  She is running the Chicago marathon this weekend.  It's her 2nd marathon. She'll be 44 in December.  Her running friends have stopped running, because of injury or family issues.  One has gained weight and is disappointed in herself.  One will walk for 10 minutes and run for 5, but she's not putting in the miles like she used to.  The sense I got about all of them is exactly what Vickie described--they can't run, so they aren't doing much of anything else.

Ok, so onto the running/yoga thing.

Saturday I took a 95 minutes hot yoga class from a guest instructor from Israel, Gabriel Azoulay. Here's his webpage.
http://www.gabrielazoulay.com/about_gabriel-azoulay.htm

I've not taken 100s of yoga classes, but I've taken enough to know when I'm in the hands of a master. He was brilliant. I pushed myself farther than I ever have before. I was holding and getting deeper into poses I never thought was possible for me.  It was incredible.  I feel blessed that I lucked into this class (although, I don't think luck had anything to do with it).

I am still sore. He worked every muscle in my body. If I had the money & time, I swear I'd follow him all over the country, like a yoga groupie.



I had mentioned in my comment on Vickie's post how I can't get a runner's high from any other activity, with the possible exception of a 90 minute hot yoga class.  I have started taking yoga again at my gym (they put in a new studio this spring) but the classes I've gone to are 60-75 minutes.  I haven't taken a 90 minute class in well over a year.  I haven't gotten a runner's high from these shorter classes.

Saturday morning I got up at 7:30 and decided on the spur of the moment to take the 8 am class.  I had no idea we'd have a guest instructor.  I just knew it was 90 minutes of hot yoga, and I wanted to test out my hypothesis that I could get a runner's high from yoga.

The answer?  Yes.  Yes, I did.

There's something about 90 minutes that is key.  I can get there in 60 minutes of running, but I get a better "high" the longer I run.  Which is why I got into long distance running in the first place. 

I started running to lose weight.  I kept running because of that high.

I've said before, 3 miles is my least favorite distance to run (and why I don't run 5k races).  All the work with none of the payoff (runner's high wise).  Put me out there for 5+ miles, and I often no longer even feel my body.  I just run, the endorphins do their job, and my mind is completely abuzz with tranquility.

Many people hate running.  Many RUNNERS hate running.  I've read comments by runners who say they love running after they're finished with a run.  The during?  Sometimes not so much. 

I think what happens during the hot yoga classes is similar to what happens with long distance running, from an endorphins standpoint.  But it's also very different. 

On the mat in a class, working as intensely as I did Saturday, I can think of nothing but my body. The world is shut out. I have to concentrate on the pose. But I also am learning to just let go and NOT concentrate on the pose.  Does that make any sense?  Surrender, I guess, is the word. 

I surrender during a long distance run, too.

My body is so wrung out, so completely spent, that my mind goes with it.

Gabriel made a profound statement during class.  He said "yoga is the only exercise that gives energy back to you."  I found this fascinating, and quite astute. 

When I run long distance, I usually feel revitalized when I'm finished, but more often than not I'm also worn out physically and need an equal amount of rest afterwards. 

Saturday after class, I had this immense sense of peace and ramped-up energy.  I do think I was also going through a slightly manic state that day--which can happen to me from hormone cycles, or whatever else is going on in my crazy brain.  And that may have enhanced my reaction to the class.  But, regardless, I haven't felt anything like it in a long time.  Probably not since the last fabulous long run I had in January.

The weight I've lost and the classes I've taken in the past month have strengthened me and helped me make it through the entire class Saturday.  I'm so thankful I was prepared for it, physically.

12 symptoms of spiritual awakening (167.4)

I am still doing very well with the OA program. No binges, 3 meals a day, doesn't seem that hard.  My sponsor says I'm in the honeymoon phase.  And she said to make that honeymoon phase last as long as possible.  It doesn't have to end.

I met with her for lunch Monday.  She is THE person I am meant to be with as a sponsor.  We connect on many levels, and I respect her and how she lives her life.  I obviously don't know her that well yet, but there is a connection and she is easy to talk to.  Sometimes you talk to someone and there's just no connection, ya know?  Not so with her.

My clothes continue to fit better, which is awesome.

I ran on Saturday for 55 minutes.  I have stopped wearing my running (Garmin) watch and stopped caring about my pace or how many miles I've gone.  I wear a regular watch and just pay attention to the time.  I've done this the last few times I've gone for a run.  It is making a huge difference for me mentally.  I have always competed against myself, trying to run faster or farther each time, and not being satisfied if I fall short.  No more of that.  When I train for a race again, I'll wear it for my long training runs.  But I could see myself ditching it for all the short ones, and just running for time.

I took a hot yoga class on Sunday.  It was hard and not very peaceful--the instructor used her aerobics studio voice (loud) for a good deal of the class. Yoga studio is small, there were 6 people, and she didn't need to talk so loud; I think it's just her training from years of teaching in the big studio (she's a great instructor in all other classes I've taken from her).  And for the last 5 minutes that are supposed to be peaceful, she talked about every 20 seconds.  She'd shut up, and I'd think "ahhhh... now I can finally meditate" and she'd start up again with her "yoga speak."  I left a little frustrated but was glad I got the workout in.  I was sore for 2 days afterwards.

I was at the dentist for 2 hours today.  Had crown work done on both sides.  The lower half of my face & my entire tongue were numb for about 3 hours.  So no lunch, but I didn't starve to death.  I went home afterwards & did laundry, rather than going back to work, because I could not TALK! Thank goodness for texting.  At least I could talk with my thumbs.

Tonight is Mark's night with the kids.  I'm eating late lunch/early dinner at my desk at work. Hoping to take a pilates class at 5:30, then off to choir at 7.  Feeling very blessed and at peace right now.  Working on living each day and not worrying about tomorrow.

I wanted to share something with you that I saw on Facebook today. It's from a blog at recoverytradepublications.com.  It speaks to so much of who I want to become.  I think most of you will appreciate it, too.

12 symptoms of spiritual awakening
1) An increased tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.

2) Frequent attacks of smiling.

3) Feelings of being connected with others and nature.

4) Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.

5) A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experience.

6) An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.

7) A loss of ability to worry.

8) A loss of interest in conflict.

9) A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.

10) A loss of interest in judging others.

11) A loss of interest in judging self.

12) Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything.

Day 24 (166.6)

I'm still doing well.  Today I finished 60 days of Wellbutrin.  It has made a big difference.  Also still on 75 mg of lamictal, which keeps my moods stable & even.

No sugar keeps my head clear.  It's remarkable how much better I feel when I'm not in the sugar.  Not just physically, but mentally.

I had a blip last night.  It had been one of those days where I was go go go all day.  Got to work before 8, busy all day. Then had a church meeting and choir that night, and had to do a quick grocery shop after, so I didn't get home until 8:45.  I didn't stop until almost 9:30 pm.

I sat down to decompress on the couch and watched Parks & Rec and The Office.  At 10:30 I was hungry--I had a very light dinner, since I had no time between getting the kids dinner and leaving for my church meeting, and that light dinner plus the "after" of the day caused me to reach for a luna bar and some baked snap peas.  Not a binge, but not on my eating plan.

Weight didn't suffer, wasn't bloated, and was hungry for breakfast by 7:30.  So nothing to worry about.  But something to observe, again, that long days that finish on the couch are a trigger situation for me, even if I haven't had trigger foods during the day.  I didn't have cookies or ice cream, which would have pushed me over the edge to a binge. So I'm thankful for that gift of grace.

I'm not starting my day count over when I have one blip.  This is about progress, not perfection.  I can't be perfect, and I'd feel defeated if I started over every time I'm not perfect. 

I wanted to get a Starbucks pumpkin spice latte this morning, very badly.  I love those things.  But when I had one a week ago, it made me feel sick.  There's obviously too much sugar in them.  When I left home I had to make the decision--turn left and go to Starbucks or turn right and go to work.  I turned right.  It felt like the right decision as soon as I did it.  And I'm not feeling deprived.  Feeling relieved I am not suffering from sugar overdose right now.  So, to my mind I'm back on track and no worries about today.

I'm having lunch with my sponsor on Monday, for our first face to face talk.

Random info: I got my hair cut and colored on Tuesday.  Had 2 1/2 inches cut off my hair.  I love it long, but I'd been wearing it in a pony tail or twist 5 or 6 days a week because it was so much work to dry & style it.  Now it's just below my shoulders, doesn't look any different really, and I can style it easily.  It will still go in a pony tail if I need it to.

My clothes are fitting better already.  I can wear some tops again that I couldn't because they were too tight across my back and waist.  I am weighing every day, as a tool to make sure what I'm eating isn't too many calories.

I am not exercising, which bothers me.  I haven't been able to fit it in after work, and I haven't got it in me to get up at 5 or 5:30 am to workout.  I HAVE to figure this out.  I don't want to atrophy.  I want to be a runner.  I want to do yoga.  I have to make this a priority and get this figured out.  I have a treadmill at home, so I can do something if I just make the time.  Working on psyching myself up to get this part of my life in balance again.  I really, really need it.

Day 21 of OA (167.6) and Alzheimer's/Disease prevention video link

I went to my 6th meeting last night.  It was a small group.  The weather was yucky & grey yesterday.  I was in a funk all day long.  Just felt off.  I wonder if the people who didn't show were too?

I am staying with the program.  Eating 3 meals a day.  Sometimes the meals aren't great and are eaten in a hurry.  But I'm only eating 3 times a day.  I never thought I'd be able to do that... to skip my afternoon snack.  To not eat when I'm feeling bored or down, like I felt yesterday. 

And I am not taking the credit for it.  I know that I am powerless over food.  I am working on keeping my ego and pride out of this process. I am taking it one day at a time.  I know I will face challenges and will mess up.

Progress, not perfection.

I'm still working on my food history.  I haven't talked with my sponsor one on one yet, but texted her this morning and hopefully we can meet soon.

*****
I posted a long comment about Alzheimer's disease on Facebook, after I read the book Still Alice (which is beautiful and I recommend it, just be prepared to cry). 

I forget things all the time, and I've often half-jokingly said I have early Alzheimer's. Well, it's not funny at all.  And the thought that I could be diagnosed with early Alzheimer's in my late 40s or 50s or even 60s is terrifying.  50% of Alzheimer's cases can be PREVENTED.  If you have the gene mutation, you're screwed & you're going to get it no matter what.  But everyone else can prevent this disease, just like preventing heart disease or diabetes.

What hit home with me after reading this book & researching Alzheimer's prevention, is that nobody talks about BRAIN health.  Diet & excercise are the focus for body health & beauty.  But for me at my age, I'm much more motivated to take care of my brain--I know I'm going to lose my youthful body (although I can sure as heck take care of it) but I can't imagine losing my mind.

Everything you do to take care of your body also takes care of your brain, so it's not like you need to do extra stuff.  Except keep your mind busy with puzzles--so Words With Friends is not a waste of time!

My Colorado nephew responded to my Facebook post with a video and the comments below. The video is about 50 minutes long but worth the time. It's also pretty entertaining--he's a good presenter. (Vickie, I think you'd really like this.)

I should warn you--he's presenting to vegans/vegetarians.  Research is finding that meat and animal products wreak a lot of havoc on our brains & bodies. So you'll hear a lot about why a plant based diet is so important.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=30gEiweaAVQ

The video is of Dr Michael Gregor, presenting about diet and major causes of disease (he covers Alzheimer's disease in this one).

The truth is that the connection between the standard American diet and disease is a lot better understood by science than most Americans realize. It's kind of scary how this research can be so prevalent in scientific circles yet so little of it makes it to average Americans and doctors. Dr Gregor talks a bit about this poor dissemination of information in the video I've linked. His ultimate conclusion, based on tons of research performed across the dietary science community, is that "death in America is largely a foodborne illness."

Dr Gregor is a medical doctor turned health activist who scours scientific literature and presents it in simple terms to the public. He doesn't skimp on the science (and all of his information is rigorously cited), so his videos can be a bit sciencey, but I think he does a good job presenting his information.

Two "off" nights and what I'm doing for OA step 1 (169.0)

Wednesday night we had a dinner for clients at a local Italian restaurant.  I had a good food day during the day, and expected I would eat dinner there and would just skip dessert.  I had half a glass of white wine when I got there.  Dinner was green beans & red peppers, chicken breast, and augratin potatoes.  I had one small piece of bread at 7:00 because I was starving, ate dinner around 7:30, had a lot of green beans, about half a chicken breast, and a small spoon of the potatoes.  I didn't have dessert.

Around 10 that night, I was sitting in the family room watching TV, and the binge thoughts started. 

I know what you're thinking... WHY would you be in the family room where you know you binge?  Well, I didn't want to be around Mark. It wasn't HIM, it was the fact that he's a human being.  I'm about 1/2 extrovert, 1/2 introvert.  When I am as extroverted as I was at dinner, I have to recharge by having an equal amount of solitude.  So I stayed away from him for some quiet time. Looking back, it would have been better to just go to bed and tell him I needed quiet.  But at the time, I literally could not even stand the presence of another body in the room with me.

So anyway, I was determined to head off the binge, even though I was thinking of the cookies in the cupboard.  I didn't binge on cookies, but I still ate.  I had 2 laughing cow cheese wedges on about 10 soy crisps.  Then I had a bowl of Kashi cereal with milk.  It wasn't earth shattering.  But it wasn't healthy or abstinent, either.

That night set me up for a messed up Thursday.  I was still "fried" the next morning (needed more alone time), but also bloated and not hungry for breakfast.  I got to stay home until 11 am (since I'd worked 12 hours on Wednesday b/c of the dinner, Mark said it was OK to be tired & stay home for a bit Thursday morning), so I did get my introvert recharge completed.  But I skipped breakfast.

Around 11:30 am I had yogurt & raspberries and a Luna bar before I left for work, which is a pathetic lunch, I know. I think I was playing a penitence game with myself.  "I ate last night.... I don't need to eat now. I deserve to be hungry for a while since I didn't feel hungry this morning."  I then had an early dinner at work (frozen meal and an apple) at 3:30 pm.  I worked until 5ish, had a church meeting at 6, then choir at 7, then home by 8:30. 

I was feeling fine, relaxed, not stressed. But I was stomach-hungry.  Instead of eating something healthy around 9 pm after the kids went to bed, I said "NO! you don't eat after 8:30.  That will cause you to binge."  Of course, at 10 pm I was starving (I WAS in bed, not in the family room--I was hungry, not binge-thinking).  And I went back to the soy crisps and the laughing cow. Only one wedge, only 8 crisps.  But still. As soon as I hit the kitchen, I started thinking of cookies. Thank goodness I didn't eat them.

Second night in a row of that kind of stuff could be the beginning of a pattern.  Time to stop that now.  So I'm writing about it.

Monday night my sponsor told me to write down all my trigger foods. I thought that would be easy and a short list.  Ha.  I have a full page in a school composition notebook filled from top to bottom.  She also asked me to write about my food history (as I wrote it, I thought of more & more trigger foods).  I went all the way back to Kindergarten or 1st grade, when a babysitter taught me that butter on top of poptarts makes them even tastier.  I wrote for over an hour, I think, and only got through middle school.  I have about 25 more years to cover.  I am trying to remember significant food obsessions and activity, and also negative body image and eating-for-comfort/stress relief/boredom experiences. 

One example is when I was at my grandma's house when I was in early grade school.  I was a very picky eater.  I often only ate white bread PB sandwiches, and I would also make white bread toast with margarine covered in cinnamon/sugar.  Grandma kept a shaker of cinnamon/sugar mixed up so we could all do this.  I also would eat (and sneak) spoonfuls of Nestle Quick straight out of the container.  I would eat cake mix the same way--dry, with a spoon and a glass of milk on the side. All when I was under the age of 10.  Food compulsion, anyone?

I'm better today.  Ate a good breakfast and lunch, had an acupuncture treatment (ahhh, bliss), and will be home tonight to have a healthy dinner.  I will work on my food history this weekend to keep me focused on WHY I'm doing the OA program. And hopefully that will help me stick to it.

OA - Sponsor (168.8) - Meeting #5 (and pic of Sophie)

I asked a woman at my OA meeting to be my sponsor last night.  Ami (my sponsor) is a friend of my new friend Kelly. 

Kelly and I have talked at length a few times now.  We have a lot in common from a food history and control & perfectionism issues; she has suffered depression as I have.  We are different in other ways--she's an extrovert and knows tons of people, she's comfortable (or at least appears to be on the outside) having a lot going on (has 3 kids, all of them in more than one thing, is very active in her church.  She's always got someplace to be), and tells me she is a neat freak at home.

So when Kelly suggested that Ami would be a good sponsor, I watched and listened to Ami carefully.  The idea of finding a sponsor is to find someone who has what you want.  Ami has kids, is 41, is self-employed (sells cosmetics at the top level of the company, enough so that she has a very nice car) and has been abstinent for 18 years.  She's beautiful but not a super model, and very approachable.  She has insecurities she has to work through (had a great conversation with her last week).  She has a busy life but makes this work.  She has what I want.

Yesterday I thought a lot about whether I was ready for a sponsor.  I have been abstinent* for 13 days, which to me means I'm WILLING to do this.  When I went to my first 3 meetings, I didn't even know if I was willing.  I knew I was powerless over food and my life was unmanageable, but it wasn't until I got out of the food that I could think straight. 

I decided to get a sponsor NOW instead of waiting, because I feel like I'm on that tender edge of success--I've lost 6 pounds (my high this time was 174.8), I am not having cravings, I'm dealing with daily emotional crises without turning to food.  BUT.  I feel like it could all slip away in a blink.

A sponsor will help guide me on how to hold on.  Actually, it's probably more like how to LET GO and LET GOD, instead of "holding on."  Because the whole deal is IT'S NOT ME who creates success.  It's my higher power working through me.

That's part of steps 2 and 3, which I am not working on yet and which are still hard for me to wrap my head around. I am self sufficient and prideful.  I have a lot of work to do to surrender those things.

Vickie commented on my last post about why people get upset with OA.

When people get themselves upset with OA, it is never over the meetings. It is always over sponsors and food. And usually they get themselves upset to the point that they stop going to meetings. Are people too hasty in thinking they have to have a sponsor? Or too hasty in choosing a sponsor? Do you think it is possible to clean up ones own food and go to the meetings regularly for support?

Very good questions, which I don't have enough experience yet to answer.  What I do know is OA is a program with specific steps and tools.  The people who work the steps and use the tools--tools include a plan of eating, sponsorship, meetings, telephone, writing, literature, action plan, anonymity, and service--are generally successful. 

My instinct tells me that people who struggle as you describe may have pride issues. They want to do it their way.  They think they know better than someone on the outside.  I have been reading a book by OA that is composed of recovering food addicts' stories.  Many, many of them started OA, failed, and came back and worked the program differently the 2nd time.  And many stories are the "I did it my way, and I failed" type.

The disease of food addiction is one of ISOLATION. The disease wants you to be alone, wants to hold onto the sugar and excess fat.  All of you know what I'm talking about. 

People in AA talk about how the disease wants to kill you. It's odd to think of a disease in the 3rd person, almost as a living thing.  But it feels right to talk about it that way, once I started identifying myself as an addict.

One of the hardest parts of this is breaking out of the isolation of my disease.  Every meeting I go to, a hard little piece falls away and softens the isolation.  I will have to TALK to people to get better.  Not an easy thing for me.  Not having a sponsor, in my mind, is a way to keep a big piece of isolation in place.  And that allows a toehold to remain for the disease to creep back in and take over.


*OA's Definition: "Abstinence is the action of refraining from compulsive eating and compulsive food behaviors while working towards or maintaining a healthy body weight. Spiritual, emotional and physical recovery is the result of living the Overeaters Anonymous Twelve-Step program.” Many of us have found we cannot abstain from compulsive eating unless we use some or all of OA’s nine tools of recovery to help us practice the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions." 

My definition is 3 meals a day with no compulsive overeating.  My definition also includes "perfection is not possible." Perfection sets me up for failure.  I have not been perfect.  I had a Luna bar one night at 10 pm because I had a very light dinner, was still awake, and my stomach was growling.  I felt awful 30 minutes later--and it was just ONE LUNA BAR!  Weird how my body is adapting already to the different way of eating. 

I have had an afternoon snack a few times--usually an apple and a Luna bar, when I've had an early lunch and expect a late dinner.  I have had very scant dinners when it's been a busy night; I am simply NOT EATING after 8-8:30 pm, no matter if I've had dinner or not.  If I put any food in my mouth that late, I am setting myself up for a binge.  Even healthy food.  It's not about trigger foods for me then--it's a trigger situation.

*****
I had to share this picture of Sophie. It's a cast picture for the production of Winnie the Pooh she's in at the end of this month.   That Mona Lisa smile melts my heart.  She is growing up so fast (11 years old now).

One week

Still no binging. Seeking peace through my higher power (can't help but use that phrase, I'm reading it so much in the literature).

Still one day at a time. Still recognizing this is a disease. Not a default of character. Not a "make up my mind and I can stop binging" thing. Not something any diet will fix.

Definitely something that gets progressively worse when not treated.

Which explains SO much of the last few years.

If I'm not managing/treating the disease, it just makes me sicker.

I've been sick for almost my whole life with this disease. I've played around and thought I had control. Only to find it got worse.

Of course, I didn't understand until the past couple of weeks what was truly going on with me. Reading AA and OA books is eye opening.

And I'm not alone anymore. There are people just like me who KNOW and who care and who are in recovery.

No one beats this disease. No one is cured. The minute you think you are cured, you are doomed to relapse.

I feel like step one has sunk in: I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable. I'm almost ready for step two--came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.

Has to be greater than me. I have proven over and over I can't do it.

4th OA meeting

Last night was my 4th OA meeting.  I have been abstinent (no binging, eating 3 meals a day, sometimes with an afternoon snack if lunch is early and dinner will be late) going on 7 days.

The meetings are wonderful.  The woman I know picked me up yesterday & we drove together so we could talk before and after.  Everyone there is amazingly supportive and welcoming, like they have this big gift they want to give every newcomer. 

"Keep coming back" everyone says.  It's really cool.

I'm reading OA and AA material.  The key to long term success, it seems to me from reading, is to work EVERY SINGLE STEP.  You don't get to lose weight, get to step 4 or 5, and then quit, thinking you've beaten the disease.

The people who succeed with long term weight loss and disease management work every step at least once, and continue to work certain steps for the rest of their lives.

The people who succeed also know that they are still addicted to food, are powerless over food, surrender themselves daily to their higher power (their food and their lives), and come to meetings at least once a week.  Many go to 2 or 3 meetings a week.

I am on step one.  Admitting I am powerless over food and my life has become unmanageable.

At my next meeting, I'm going to accept the "desire" chip.  You've heard about AA chips, right?  A chip for 30 days abstinent, 60 days, 1 year, etc. 

The first chip is the desire chip.  It took me this long to make up my mind that YES I have a disease, I am not like other people, and I have the desire to surrender to the Steps & the OA process.

I will also be asking an OA veteran (18 years of abstinence) to be my sponsor soon.  That is a very, very big step.  I'm scared, but I know it is the only way to move forward.

Paralyzed when I'm overhwelmed

One of the OA tools is writing.  So I'm writing.  So I won't eat.

I am overwhelmed right now by so much.

Work is busy--I've got stuff spread out all over my desk and have so much to do, I don't know where to start.  I try to take it a piece at a time, but when I'm overwhelmed, I don't want to do any of it.

Finances are miserably tight.  The move we made with the business in April has been wildly successful, BUT our cash flow is crap right now.  It will eventually get better, but our transactional commissions have been $0, and when that money doesn't come in--and we have no control over that...it's all based on market conditions--then we run on empty.  We had to borrow money from my mom, that's how bad it's getting.

Luke probably has attention deficit disorder.  His first grade teacher wanted to talk with me about his inattention, inability to process information quickly, and his anger/acting out issues when he's frustrated. I had a great talk with her today.  I have called his pediatrician, and we are going to fill out Vanderbilt forms (whatever those are) and then have a conference about what Luke needs.  I'm sure it's ADHD.  Sophie's showed up in 1st grade; she didn't get help until the end of that year, and she struggled and cried much of that school year.  Thankfully we are starting early with Luke.  He is SOOOO smart, retains everything, is a creative problem solver (his teacher said he's the brightest kid in the class).  But there's a disconnect that sounds like ADHD.  If he does go on straterra (the non-stimulant drug Sophie takes) I can only pray it's covered by his insurance.

I still have to do our taxes (we always file in October, since we're self employed), which is a daunting task.  I have no time during the day and no desire (or time) at night.  It's just hanging over me like this big black cloud.

I'm not running enough, so I'm not doing the October half marathon.  I'm disappointed in myself and sad I won't be a part of it again this year.

I'm meeting new people through OA.  Which is good, but I've built this shell around me for so long--not letting people in on the "real" problems of my life--that every time I go to a meeting I lose a piece of the shell, which leaves a raw spot.  I have cried at every meeting, every time I talk and often when others talk. Thankfully the members are supportive and have been there; I feel no shame, it's just emotionally upheaving.

My mom started seeing a therapist last week, because her relationship with her husband is terrible.  She called me a couple of weeks ago ready to leave him.  I talked with her for a long time, multiple times over a few days.  I told her the only way she can learn to deal with him (and respond in a healthy way--she's 50% to blame for their issues) is to go to therapy.  We went round and round about the cost of it.  She said she can't spend $200-300 a month on therapy.  I wanted to beat my head against the wall.  I said it's cheaper than a divorce!  And I said if you don't go to therapy, I don't want to hear about your problems anymore.  She agreed to go.   I recommended my therapist, but she doesn't take Mom's insurance, so Mom went to another therapist in the office.  She said she likes her; I was still disappointed she's not seeing Julie.  Mom would have to pay Julie $130 a session; she pays about $30 a session through insurance.  So whatever.  At least she's going and I hope the therapist is good. 

I'm not feeling the crushing weight of depression right now, which is an improvement.  But I've got a great deal of anxiety flowing through me. And tasks of every day life still seem overwhelming to me some days.

I have had one abstinent day--yesterday.  I didn't eat at night.  I went to bed instead of sitting on the couch and staying up late to watch TV and eat. That couch time has been escape/trouble time for years. It's a horrible habit (Vickie wrote about that today, which was a very helpful post for me to read) that I keep reinforcing and haven't been able to stop for an extended period of time. 

The first step of OA is this: We admitted we were powerless over food--that our lives had become unmanageable. 

Big fat YES on both counts.

I feel powerless.  I feel unmanageable.  I feel raw. 

If I'm going to get healthy and follow the OA way, I can't cope with all that through my usual ally--food.

Where does that leave me?  

Step 2 is this: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

And that's the most paralyzing, overwhelming part of it all.  I do believe in God.  I do I do I do.  But I am like the man in the Bible story whose son needs healing, and he says to Jesus "I believe! Help my unbelief."  (John Ortberg at MPPC has a couple of great sermons on this topic).

I believe but I don't believe.  I am overwhelmed.  I am scared.  I am anxious.  I am one big ball of fear. 

Right now, I don't feel God intervening in all this.  I believe that He will. But I don't believe that He will.

"Perfect love casts out fear."  1 John 4:18.  When I googled that verse, I found this link.  Most definitely something I need to hear right now.

That's where I am today.  And today is all I can manage.  One day at a time.

OA

I started going to OA last Monday. Tonight was my 3rd meeting.

I had someone close to me who is in AA tell me I was talking like an
addict. I knew I was addicted to sugar. But I didn't think of myself
as an addict with a disease.

It's a very different approach to all this food business when you
acknowledge you have a disease.

Not a food problem. Not a lack of will power. Not a disorder. A disease.

OA says this is a disease just like alcoholism is a disease. That is
not an easy idea to wrap my head around. But I'm trying.

So I'm going to meetings, Monday nights and Saturday mornings when I can.

There are a lot of thin people at the meetings--a testament to how the
program does work AND that you're never cured. You have to keep going
and working the program.

There are a lot of men there. I had no idea I could learn from men on
food issues.

No one under the age of about 35. All middle aged and older. I met a
woman tonight who has been abstinent for 20 years--she started OA at
age 21. Several others who have more than 10 years in the program.
Many who are several months to a year or so in. A few newbies like me.

Last Monday at my first meeting there was a woman there who has kids
at the same performing arts studio as Sophie. We had just talked at
length for the first time a few weeks ago at the studio. So when I saw
her there and she saw me, we were both surprised. In a good way. In a
"hey! I'm not alone!" way.

We "click" and have a lot in common. She's been going to OA off and on
for 3 years. We got together Sunday and walked and talked for an hour.

I went back to the meeting tonight in no small part because we said
we'd see each other there. Accountability.

It's early in the process but I like what I'm hearing. It's free, it's
supportive, and I'm not alone anymore. I have "real life" people who
understand what I'm going through.

Not that blog friends aren't important to me--you all are. Obviously,
though, I need more.

It will be hard work that I'm frankly not sure I can do. Or am ready
for. I just know I have to do something. And this seems like the right
path.

For now, it's one day at a time.

First day of school

Sophie is in 5th grade. Luke is in 1st grade.  Can't believe how grown up they both are.


I've had good and bad days the past week.

Monday was a "bones feel like lead" day.  I talked with Mark and cried on his shoulder Monday night (kids were at my mom's Monday & Tuesday since there was no school and no summer day care).  He's in a really good place right now, so he was able to comfort & encourage me.  I'm blessed to have him as a husband.

Yesterday was better.  This morning I got up at 5:40 (which is a HUGE deal for me) and sat in front of my SAD light for 25 minutes & read my Bible.  I prepped the kids' lunches last night (for the week), got them up early, and the morning went smoothly.  We started off the school year right.  I got to work at 8:05.

I was reading yesterday about melatonin possibly making depression worse. I have been taking melatonin for a couple of years to help me sleep. It REALLY helps me sleep.  And sleep.  And sleep.  I have blamed my not getting up in the morning on depression and laziness (I can hit the snooze button for an hour--not healthy or smart, I know). 

I wonder now if melatonin was not getting out of my body soon enough and keeping me asleep too late.  I take a low dose--1 mg, in a two-stage release tablet.  But, still.  I stopped taking it, as of last night, and will see if it helps me get up earlier and possibly help alleviate the depression.

I'll have 5 more sessions of acupuncture, once a week.  It was BLISS on Friday.  I wish I could have it everyday.  Serious relaxation and deeply peaceful.  I think the more out of balance I am, the more effective it is.

I'm starting the SAD light early this year.  September is when SAD starts to hit me.  I figured why wait?  Might as well start it up now and see if it helps.

Food still is not great.  I am in a rut of night eating for comfort.  I know that is going to lift soon.  I can feel the desire to change seeping into my conscience.  When the depression lightens, it makes room for the good stuff.

School starting will be a big help.  Kids are on the bus at 7:30. It is no longer a 45 minute drive to take them to summer camp (45 min from time I left the house to when I got to work).  It's a 7 minute drive to work from my house.  As long as I'm awake by 5:30-40, I can do everything I need to for the day.

It's the evenings that will take some adjusting and attention, but hopefully we'll at least get on a schedule that will stick.

Tidbits on the kids:
Starting in September, Sophie will be taking acting classes on Tuesdays and possibly another acting class and a voice lesson on Thursday.  We have an amazing performing arts studio here, and she flourishes in that atmosphere.  She's quite talented (and that's not just me talking--the studio owner and the teachers have been complimentary and their eyes light up when they talk about her future there).  She had a small role in the Willy Wonka production this summer; she's in the Winnie the Pooh production that runs the last weekend of September.  Her weekends include 8 hours of rehearsals (4 each day).  She loves every single minute.

Luke will be starting baseball in September.  He's never done a team sport.  We want him to try out this instructional league and see if it's a good fit.  He's at a good age to find out what his "thing" is.  We're trying baseball first.


Mark is supposed to take the kids on Monday and Thursday nights.  I start church choir back up next week on Thursday at 7 pm. Choir gives me such a lift, and I have missed that time to myself. 

This summer I've had next to no time to myself and very little help from Mark b/c of work and because he has commitments on Tuesday & Wednesday night (men's group and a weekly meeting with a friend of his--these are what have helped him get emotionally healthy, so they are vital).  He wants me to have time to myself, too.  We just have to work together to make it happen. And to make it happen I have to want to do something at night other than collapse on the couch.

Hopefully I'm moving in that direction.

Just do the next thing (172.6)

The end of last week things took a bad turn.  I think partially it was hormones, and probably also my brain chemistry is doing wacky things with the med changes.  Plus the let down/afters associated with Mark's birthday weekend and his actual birthday on Tuesday.

Whatever the cause, on Thursday I started slipping back into moving-through-mud mode.  I also slipped back into sugar.  The depression feeds the sugar addiction; the sugar addiction feeds the depression.

The depression is pretty bad again.  This morning I made an appointment to go see the acupuncture doctor on Friday.  It worked last year.  I'm praying it can work again.

He's also a psychiatrist and I'm going to ask him to talk to me about my meds.  My health insurance doesn't cover mental health costs, so this is all out of pocket (which sucks).

I wear a happy face at work and in social situations (which I'm frankly avoiding as much as possible); I am mostly miserable at home and not pleasant to be around (my poor husband...he gets the brunt of it).  I am still functioning and taking care of the kids and the house.  But it's very hard for me to interact with my husband or kids with grace or kindness.  They get on my nerves and I'm impatient if they don't do what I ask when I ask it, or if they do it wrong, or if they make a mess, or if they talk too loud. See what I mean?  Not pleasant to live with.

I feel very fragile, like I could break at any minute.  It's awful.

I got through yesterday by repeating to myself "just do the next thing."  I focused on one task at a time.  I did that task.  I got through the work day.

Then I picked up kids and got home and mowed the grass.  I avoided mowing the grass all weekend because I didn't have the energy.  I didn't have it last night either.  But I just did the next thing; I got into a zone with music in my ears and seeing immediate results of a nice lawn from my efforts.

And then my son came out and interrupted me.  Twice.  Then my husband came out and interrupted me.  Twice.  And I got impatient and upset with them both.  I was angry that they couldn't leave me alone for one freaking hour.  It was not a normal response--it was the emotional response of a woman on the edge of losing it.

It's not just the brain chemicals causing the problem--I need more time to myself and need to exercise to clear my head.  But I have to have the mental energy to exercise, which I haven't.  And I have to have a husband who can keep the kids for a couple of hours, which I haven't (he's been working a lot and his quitting time is often unpredictable). 

Mondays and Thursdays are supposed to be my nights off (in the grand scheme of our family schedule, anyway--it rarely happens).  Last Thursday I had planned to go running or take a yoga class. Mark worked until almost 7.  I was cooked by then.  I told him the kids were all his, and I went in the bedroom, shut the door, and watched TV and read a book. I was alone for about 2 hours, but I was stewing and couldn't give myself what I really needed. What I really needed was to have gone running at 4:30 like I'd planned, and not expended the remaining energy I had on kids and dinner and been totally spent by 7 pm.

I hate this.  I hate feeling like just giving up.  I hate living in the past and wishing for my 38 year old body back.  I hate whining.  I hate that flat feeling I have on the inside--like I'm numb, or like the air is made of mud and my limbs have to slog through it.

I know this is biochemical.  I know it's not normal.  I know it is temporary.  I know there are things I can do to make it better.  But it has been going on for months and I'm really, really, really sick of it.

All I can do right now is the next thing.

The weekend birthday party (with a picture of me in my bathing suit)

Mark's 50th birthday party was Saturday.  It was a very full weekend. 

His brother, sister, & niece and their families came into town (from Colorado and Indianapolis) Friday night and surprised him at 9:30 pm by ringing the doorbell and singing happy birthday.  Mark was completely surprised and it was fun to pull that off.  Everything went as I'd hoped, and he had a fun night and a happy and surprising weekend.

Saturday at the pool party we had a lot of family and friends come that Mark hadn't seen in ages, so that was very special (about 50 people total, including kids). 

I didn't have to do anything but show up--the club's pool manager did it all, including having the drinks there and ordering the cake and pizza, and she even served the drinks and food!  So I got to mingle and relax.  It was the best way to do a big party like this. And the weather was PERFECT.  We were truly blessed with the one nice day we've had in weeks falling on Saturday.

I was thankful I had been sugar-free and eating healthy for a week and a half before the party, because it made a big difference in how I looked and felt.  I wore my swimsuit for the second half of the party (it was 3 hours long) and felt OK in it. 

I didn't eat cake or pizza, and I felt ok with that, too. 

Saturday, though, was a maxed-out, extrovert kind of day.  Lots of people, all day and all night long.  Mark's brother and his girlfriend stayed with us Friday, Saturday, and Sunday night.  Sunday I was cooked.  I didn't leave the house.  I did a couple loads of laundry, took a shower, cooked a meal, and that was pretty much it.

I also ate a Hershey bar and one mini Famous Amos cookie. 

The chocolate was a big time "after" reaction. The cookie tasted awful, which was weird.  I didn't want anything else after that cookie.  I don't know why the chocolate bar didn't trigger a full blown binge, but it didn't. 

I'm very thankful I didn't overdo it.  It had nothing to do with will power, I can tell you that.  I don't know why there wasn't a binge.  I'm just glad it didn't happen.

I'm trying to get back to normal today. We have a fridge full of healthy food, leftover from food we supplied for Mark's vegan brother & girlfriend.  So that's a good thing and at least something I won't have to work on for a couple of days.

I do still have some "afters" going on today--the "let down" kind.  I'm melancholy and listless.  I have a ton of work to do at home to clean up after the slothful Sunday and after house guests.  Mark's actual birthday is tomorrow, and while we aren't doing anything other than buying cards for him, we are going to dinner tomorrow night at Bonefish and I have to figure out how I'm going to handle that.  Plenty of healthy stuff, but also plenty of pitfalls I need to avoid.

I did run 3 times last week, in preparation for my October race. I only got 2 miles in on Saturday morning because I went out too late and the sun was blisteringly hot. But I was happy I got out there at all.


Much work still to do to be stable.  Week 3 is always the hardest for me.  I get bored with the good-for-me food.  I stop feeling the immediate benefits of the diet change.  I start thinking about how hard it is to be "good" and how daunting it seems to have to do this for the rest of my life. 

So I need to be extra careful with myself this week.  I guess writing a blog post on Monday is a good start.

What I'm doing better now, and Proverbs 24 (170.8)

So I'm 100% better than I was a few weeks ago. 

This I can attribute to 1) lowering my dose of lamotrigene, 2) eliminating added sugar and as much processed food from my diet as possible, 3) eating fruits and vegetables every day, 4) taking vitamins and supplements again.

The medication was a big factor in how I was feeling.  On Monday my p-doc and I decided to keep lamtorigene at the lower dose of 75 mg and add 150 mg of wellbutrin.  I wasn't going to go back on an SSRI, but I had still been feeling some depression and knew I needed a boost.  Even if it only works a year or two (which has been the pattern in the past), well at least I've had that year or two.  And I'll figure out what's next when it stops working.

It is frankly scary how much clearer and stable I feel without so much sugar in my body.  The scary part is being able to see--since I'm on the other side of it--how much sugar affects my brain and my mood when it's a staple of my diet.

The physical cravings for sugar are gone right now; the mental/habitual cravings are not.  I still have thoughts of chocolate at specific times of day. And I often have to catch myself from not putting something in my mouth (like the mint lifesavers at the reception desk or the hot tamales we have at home) without thinking.

When you get rid of processed, all that's left is whole foods.  Thankfully it's fabulous fruit season and I am awash in delicious, low calorie "sugar substitutes" with affordable raspberries, strawberries, blueberries, and cantaloupe.  I have 2-3 servings a day.  It helps compensate for the lack of sugar and when I'm craving chocolate, I've been eating berries.  It might be more fruit than I need but for now it's OK.

I've been having one big meal a day--rice, beans/lentils, veggies of some kind, salsa, avocado, cilantro (combined this is an amazing dish)--and then eating fruit and veggies at the other meals.  Most nights I will have a cup of milk before bed.  Kay Shepherd's food plan calls for a serving of milk & a fruit before bed.  I think it helps keep the carb cravings away.

I haven't taken my calcium, fish oil, multi-vitamin, and glucosamine regularly for months. I think mostly I stopped b/c it was just too much effort--a symptom of the depression.  I started again last week, and even added Vit D3 (not enough D3 has been shown to increase depression) and a new multi that includes "super greens" (whatever that is... it seemed to be the best one at the organic grocery store). The calcium and fish oil, especially, have made a noticeable difference in my emotional health in the past.  All of these are more like medicine for me, and not simply optional.


I started a new Bible study/devotional email series with Lysa TerKeurst, where I read a chapter a day of Proverbs and write down one verse that stood out to me.  I've decided to read the chapter associated with the calendar day.  So yesterday was Proverbs 24 and the verses that stood out were 33-34.

"A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest--and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man."

Sounds harsh at first blush, doesn't it?  And I don't think this is a comment on Sabbath rest; that's one of the Big Rules, after all, and we're meant to take a full day off from work every week. 

What this said to me is this:  those nights I come home and feel like the day has sucked the life out of me and all I want to do is fall on the bed and be a vegetable the whole night?  Not a good idea.

The key is "a little."  All those "littles" build up.  Often, I think they're harmless.  I'll just have a little bite (and then end up eating the whole thing).  I'll just rest for an hour before I workout (and then the whole night is gone and my body didn't move at all).  I'll start eating healthy and running again tomorrow (tomorrow is code for never).  I'll sleep an extra 15 minutes this morning (which turns into 30 minutes of hitting the snooze alarm and now I'll have to rush and yell at kids to hurry up and probably be late anyway).

The poverty and scarcity, as I interpreted the Word speaking to me yesterday, equal a poverty of the soul and a scarcity of health.  All those "littles" will add up to poverty of a weak body that cannot bend or squat or move easily or stand with strong posture when I'm 60 years old. A scarcity of mental and physical health. 

I have gone back and forth about just giving up--no longer calling myself a runner, giving into the inevitability of getting older and of having a body that's like my mom's when I reach her age. When the depression has hold, it sounds like the only option.

But those verses stuck in my head all day.  I just could not ignore them.

So yesterday after work, when I felt like collapsing on the couch (which, I think, has mostly become a habit just like many other bad habits), I put on my running clothes & got on the treadmill.  I did 3 miles of mostly (slow) running and walking.  It was not easy.  I am finding that the older I get, it is getting harder and harder to start over.  My hips hurt, my back hurt.  My hips and back have never hurt when I've run. 

What it told me was--I have to STOP STARTING OVER.  I have to KEEP GOING until they put me in the grave.

I have 3 plaques on my office wall that I got at the Disney Princess Half expo. They say:

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty, well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out & loudly proclaiming, "Wow! What a ride."

"I do not run to add days to my life, I run to add life to my days."

"Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did."

Words to live by, and they epitomize how I WANT TO live my life.

Right now, today, thankfully I can't imagine going down the path of entropy and decay.  I have to remember the "littles" add up, whether it's good littles or bad littles.

Today I'm filling with good littles.

Off the sugar (again) - (173 lbs)

I'm doing better.  (thanks for checking on me so soon, Vickie!)

On Tuesday I did some research (again) on how to treat depression with and w/o medication (not that I'm stopping medication, but I can't rely solely on meds b/c I've had such mixed results in the past). 

I learned (again) that sugar is BAD for depression.  I did learn something new--I found a website that talked about the connection between the gut and the brain.  I don't have the exact article (& don't have time to find it right now), but here's the website.  //www.mercola.com/ 

Basically sugar fuels a lot of bad stuff in your body (yeast and other beasties that are bad for your body) that is connected to your brain chemistry, and it creates havoc which can include depression in sugar sensitive people like me.

So I stopped eating sugar (again) on Wednesday.  I know what to eat; I know what to do.  I just have to do it.

What I put in my mouth is medicine--whether it comes in the form of a pill or not.  If it's sugar, that medicine in an addictive drug.  If it's fruits, veggies, clean food, that medicine is an anti-depressant.

Exercise is also key to fighting depression.  Since I'm feeling better--I think the lamotrigine has gotten back down to a level where it's not causing the anxiety and numbing depression that I was having--I have the desire to start exercising again.

But first I had to have the desire to simply function--which came back Wednesday (the same day I didn't eat any sugar).  I cleaned for an hour and I cooked; I didn't feel hopeless.  Last night I cooked and cleaned again.  I don't feel like I'm moving through mud right now.

It's easy to not eat sugar the first few days.  It's later, when the newness wears off and my body figures out what I'm doing, that it's going to get difficult.  I will do everything I can to be ready for it.

At my appointment with the p-doc, I'm not planning on getting back on an SSRI.  I don't think it will help, frankly, and could make things worse.  There are a lot of articles that say SSRI's don't work for many people--I have been through them all, and they've worked for a while and then they stop. They can cause weight gain.  I feel like I need to stay on the mood stabilizer--it helps, it works.  I just need to keep the lower dose. 

But the rest of the depression needs to be faced with stark reality--I am in control of making myself well.

Back from Colorado

We got back late Thursday night. It was a good trip all in all. Had a
lot of fun with family. The kids did great in the car. The weather was
a nice change from the heat of summer. We saw the Beach Boys at Red
Rocks and that was an amazing night.

But my Meds started messing with me while out there. I got more
depressed and had one small and one major panic attack. It was similar
to what happened to me when my Wellbutrin was upped to 300 mg back in
2009.

I took a lot of Xanax to keep calm and I cut my lamotrigene pills in
half. I'm not having panic attacks but I'm still depressed and not
myself.

I was out of it all weekend. It was a struggle to get through the
days. I was overwhelmed with everything that had to be done when we
got home. My mom came down Friday and helped with the kids and did
some laundry for me. So at least we all have clean clothes for the
week, even though I'm not completely unpacked yet.

I'm glad to be back at work and out of the house. I am going to see
the p-doc as soon as I can get in to see her. Probably will ask to be
put back on Wellbutrin. I don't know how much it will help or if
there's another solution. Hopefully something will work.

It's very frustrating. Battling depression again. Wanting to run and
do yoga but the feeling of inertia is too strong. Like I'm moving
through mud. And I can barely take care of the minimum tasks of
living.

Our finances are tight again, which happens in our line of work. We
are always eventually ok, but I still worry when money gets this
tight. The worry paralyzes me too.

So, no good news other than we are all physically healthy and safe.
Which in and of itself is more than a lot of people can say, so I am
thankful for those blessings at least.

A little better

The meds started working a smidge better a couple days ago.  I know they are working better because I can cook and clean the kitchen and it's not a monumental effort to live my daily life.

Night time eating is better.  I've been going to bed after putting the kids to bed, instead of sitting on the couch with food only a few feet away.  That conditioned response--of eating when it's bed time and I'm sitting on the couch--is powerful, and the only way to break it, that I can see, is to remove myself from the situation.

What's not better are my intrusive thoughts.  I still imagine myself or other people getting hurt (or worse) or having accidents.  If these aren't gone in a couple more weeks, I'm going back to the psych and probably will ask to increase the meds again.  The thoughts are not controllable; they come and go.

I haven't had time or energy to go running or walking and haven't been to yoga in over a week.  Mark is very busy and often doesn't get home until 6, and by then I'm done for the day (at least, done as far as working out... I still have an hour or more of kid duty before bed).

We are still planning on going to Colorado next week.  I'm excited by I'm also dreading it.  It's going to be a ton of work, a long drive, a long time away from home, and everyone out there is super healthy & skinny.  I feel bad about myself when I'm this heavy & around Mark's family.  Sigh. 

The kids will have fun though and they are really excited.  Despite my body issues, I can't wait to spend time with everyone.  We haven't seen this part of our family since Thanksgiving. So that will be nice.

So I guess I'm okay--not great, but not in the pit.  That's something at least.

And weight is staying stable around 170.  Not happy about that at all.  Just not enough energy (or in enough misery) to do anything about it yet. 

What I can and can't do right now

I am still struggling. We did increase meds from 100 to 150 mg. Too
early to know if that will help. So far it isn't.

I'm in a haze of ambivalence. I can function to keep up with my life
but have nothing left over. I can take a couple yoga classes a week
and even did 3 miles walk/run one day last week. I can do laundry all
day Saturday and take the kids where they need to go. I can shop, pay
bills, go to work.

The depression or whatever it is takes away the "extra spark" I
usually have. Sometimes, like today, things feel insurmountable and I
want to cry. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts. I'm easily angered
and frustrated. I often feel like giving up.

I know I'm not ok right now.

And I can't get the food right. I do okay during the day and then at
night I crash into sugar. I hate it. I can't stop myself.

Compared to many and from the outside I'm doing great. Inside, I can
barely stand it and just want the sadness and heavy feeling to go
away.

I'm giving the increase in meds a few weeks. If I'm not better when we
get back from Colorado around July 11, I'm going back to the psych.

I'm slammed at work and at home.
I'm overwhelmed but I don't know what else to do right now. Other than
take it one day at a time and trust that it will get better.

********
Thank you for thinking of me, Vickie, and letting me know. I think
about you a lot--wondering how you DO all you do and stay stable and
eat well. And I'm amazed at you!

Appointment Monday

Just set appointment to see my psych/nurse practitioner Monday
afternoon. I'm having intrusive thoughts and mood cycling again.

I'm guessing my Meds need to be increased. Or maybe add one. I'll see
what she says. I just know I'm feeling like I did before I started on
this medication and I want to get ahead of it before it gets bad.

It's been a crazy week. Kids in day camp all day -- it's a 45 min trip
to get them to camps and then to work. So I'm in the car 90 min a day.

And they have VBS this week from 6-8:30 (which they love and it's
Sophie's last year since she'll be in 6th grade next year!!). But it
makes for long days for everyone. And late bedtimes.

No workouts for me since Sunday which is taking a toll

Also, Sophie is in a play the weekend of June 22nd (4 performances in
3 days) and she has rehearsals Thursday's, Friday's and Sunday's.

She leaves for sleep away church camp this Sunday, which is a 6 hour
round trip drive (going with another mom and she's driving). Then pick
up the following Friday, another 6 hour drive.

Then, we are driving to Colorado July 4-5th, returning July 11-12th.
For niece's wedding and time with Mark's family. Going to see the
Beach Boys at Red Rocka. And we'll go to the Rockies state park. I'm
so excited about the trip but it's one more thing to do.

And I'm having a surprise 50th birthday party for Mark on July 28.
Have to get list of guests and invitations ready. Thankfully I'm
having it at our fitness club's pool, and they pretty much do
everything for us (food drinks cake).

Egads, it's a lot to handle.

Summer will be over sooner than I can imagine. Will be bittersweet. A
memorable and busy one.

Work is awesome. Love the environment. Very supportive. Clients are
happy. We are moving clients to few based model so we're working
toward a steady predictable income. It's all good. (no interaction
from old office guy, thank goodness)

I'm wrapped up in my own life. Miss catching up on my blog friends
lives. I think of you all often! I look forward to the day I have more
time to be involved with others and not so self focused. Wonder when
that will be?!

I'm doing a little better. Ran/walked Saturday 4 miles. Took a yoga
class Sunday. Food is a bit better.

I think I may be having depression issues again though. I thought I
was just feeling hormonal but that usually only lasts a couple of
days. I'm going to see how the rest of this week goes and if I still
feel like this next week, I'm going to see my psych.

I will post more when I can.

Struggling

It's been a tough few weeks.

I do fine during the day. Then I walk into my house at the end of the
day and it's like the air is let out of a balloon.

I deflate. I feel oppressed. I feel the weight of the world.

It makes me eat.

And I've gained 6 pounds.

A lot of this oppression at home is self imposed. I am much harder on
myself about keeping the house up than my family cares about. But *I*
care.

Just the shear fact of getting kids and myself dinner, and baths
(which they only get a few times a week--it's not an every night
thing), and homework (school's out today), picking up clutter, doing
laundry, opening mail and paying bills, and the myriad of "to do's"
that never get done.... Basically I get home and don't sit down or do
anything for me until after 9 pm.

And then I have nothing left. I am in the rut of sitting on the couch
and watching TV and eating sugar. A lot of sugar.

I know it's The Afters. The nights I've done Yoga have been better. I
got to go 3 times last week. That still left 4 nights of severe
Afters.

I have been thinking all morning how to break the cycle (Vickie, I was
just getting ready to write this when you commented). My pants are
tight today. It's a constant reminder things have to change.

I want to start running again. When I run I do better. It's summer
now. I should have more time. I'll be training soon for a half
marathon in October.

It's the energy that's the issue. It's a monumental task right now to
work all day, then take care of Life at Home, then workout. It's also
impossible for me to get up before work to run--I can't make myself
get out of bed early. Mark can pick up kids one or two days a week,
and I take advantage of it when he does.

Even on those days, though, I struggle with the deflated thing at
home. It's easier in some ways because I had time to recharge a bit.
But not that much easier.

So that's life right now. Work is still great. We love it here. And
I'm not feeling depressed. Just overwhelmed, I guess.

The summer is already packed. That has me anxious because it's going
to cost us a good deal to do everything--summer day camps are a
fortune; a trip to Colorado in July for our niece's wedding; Mark's
50th birthday surprise party at the end of July.

I have to find the energy to change. Today it feels like a huge undertaking.

I pulled up Kay Sheppard's website this morning. I'm taking steps to change.

I know it will get better. It always does. I will find my way out. Again.

Yoga

My gym opened a new hot yoga studio last month.

This week I've been twice.

It's amazing what a mind-body connection will do for you.

It's not free--$45 a month unlimited classes (drop in rate is $10).
Worth every cent as long as I go.

Which I plan to. Often.

The instructor told us last night to think of one thought to hold onto
during class. Mine was "peace with sugar."

I didn't eat junk last night for the first time in weeks.

Ahhh. At least for today I have some peace.

Vickie, I do need to work on chest openers. I will look at your link
soon. My chest is so tight and inflexible. I can tell how it hampers
me in several poses.

Quick update.....

I am doing ok. My weight is stable at 168 but I have not been eating
well or exercising. So it's not going to stay stable if I don't get it
together.

Last week was amazingly successful at work but very stressful. I've
also got some personal issues at home adding to the stress. And I've
defaulted to food for comfort.

I'm taking those baby steps back to getting on track. I bought veggies
at the grocery. I picked up fitness class schedules at the gym. I'm
going to set a couple nights a week for ME, which Mark supports me
doing, so I can start working out regularly.

My energy has been directed toward the business move for a few months
now. I've had no mental or physical energy to do much of anything
else, above the usual Mom and Wife stuff.

Thankfully the intensity at work will be lightening up soon. And when
it does I'll be in a great position to start moving forward again.