Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Just do the next thing (172.6)

The end of last week things took a bad turn.  I think partially it was hormones, and probably also my brain chemistry is doing wacky things with the med changes.  Plus the let down/afters associated with Mark's birthday weekend and his actual birthday on Tuesday.

Whatever the cause, on Thursday I started slipping back into moving-through-mud mode.  I also slipped back into sugar.  The depression feeds the sugar addiction; the sugar addiction feeds the depression.

The depression is pretty bad again.  This morning I made an appointment to go see the acupuncture doctor on Friday.  It worked last year.  I'm praying it can work again.

He's also a psychiatrist and I'm going to ask him to talk to me about my meds.  My health insurance doesn't cover mental health costs, so this is all out of pocket (which sucks).

I wear a happy face at work and in social situations (which I'm frankly avoiding as much as possible); I am mostly miserable at home and not pleasant to be around (my poor husband...he gets the brunt of it).  I am still functioning and taking care of the kids and the house.  But it's very hard for me to interact with my husband or kids with grace or kindness.  They get on my nerves and I'm impatient if they don't do what I ask when I ask it, or if they do it wrong, or if they make a mess, or if they talk too loud. See what I mean?  Not pleasant to live with.

I feel very fragile, like I could break at any minute.  It's awful.

I got through yesterday by repeating to myself "just do the next thing."  I focused on one task at a time.  I did that task.  I got through the work day.

Then I picked up kids and got home and mowed the grass.  I avoided mowing the grass all weekend because I didn't have the energy.  I didn't have it last night either.  But I just did the next thing; I got into a zone with music in my ears and seeing immediate results of a nice lawn from my efforts.

And then my son came out and interrupted me.  Twice.  Then my husband came out and interrupted me.  Twice.  And I got impatient and upset with them both.  I was angry that they couldn't leave me alone for one freaking hour.  It was not a normal response--it was the emotional response of a woman on the edge of losing it.

It's not just the brain chemicals causing the problem--I need more time to myself and need to exercise to clear my head.  But I have to have the mental energy to exercise, which I haven't.  And I have to have a husband who can keep the kids for a couple of hours, which I haven't (he's been working a lot and his quitting time is often unpredictable). 

Mondays and Thursdays are supposed to be my nights off (in the grand scheme of our family schedule, anyway--it rarely happens).  Last Thursday I had planned to go running or take a yoga class. Mark worked until almost 7.  I was cooked by then.  I told him the kids were all his, and I went in the bedroom, shut the door, and watched TV and read a book. I was alone for about 2 hours, but I was stewing and couldn't give myself what I really needed. What I really needed was to have gone running at 4:30 like I'd planned, and not expended the remaining energy I had on kids and dinner and been totally spent by 7 pm.

I hate this.  I hate feeling like just giving up.  I hate living in the past and wishing for my 38 year old body back.  I hate whining.  I hate that flat feeling I have on the inside--like I'm numb, or like the air is made of mud and my limbs have to slog through it.

I know this is biochemical.  I know it's not normal.  I know it is temporary.  I know there are things I can do to make it better.  But it has been going on for months and I'm really, really, really sick of it.

All I can do right now is the next thing.

9 comments:

Laura N said...

I think it's the wellbutrin. Made things better for two weeks (I started it 7/24), now in week 3 it's making things worse. I found this forum, where a lot of people went through the EXACT same stuff I'm going through.

http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/21489-worsening-of-depression-upon-starting-wellbutrin/

I didn't go through this when I started wellbutrin the first time, years ago. I guess it may help to know it's the drug; but it sucks to have no idea how long I have to live like this or if it will ever get better. Sigh.

Vickie said...

The interruption thing is annoying.

I was listening to an audible book last week and sighed when I had to dig my iPod out of my bra and pause it for yet another question. Youngest said - if it bugs you to have to keep pausing, then maybe you should not listen while we are all home. That was a valid point from her view. But I thought - okay let me just sit on a stool and wait for your every word for 22 years. I always love when they ask me something which is basically like where their own butt is. My all time favorite was when one of them was small, and in the same room with my husband and came all the way across the house to get me to come back with them and reach/find something.

One thing you can do is state expectations: going out to mow and unless someone is bleeding enough to need a bucket, I do not want any interruptions.

And yes, husbands are the worst about this.

Aren't your kids big enough to stay home while you run for one hour?

Vickie said...

I think the time with my husband in the same room, he was lying on the floor and they literally walked over his body to come find me.

Psychiatrist is good idea for meds.

You have to stop sabotaging yourself with the sugar. How will you know which is causing what between sugar and meds if you do not keep clean? And since you know it is a big problem, you need to just stop. If you have to put yourself in time out, do it, but stop sabotaging.

And not being pleased with yourself causes terrible feelings in most of us. Seriously terrible feelings which are just like depression feelings.

Keep posting.

Vickie said...

My kids would all smile to read bleeding enough to need a bucket, because I have been saying that for years.

The double amputee running in Olympics said his mother told him - in the morning I will tell your brother to put his shoes on and you to put your feet on and I don't want to hear another word about it. My middle looked at me and said that sounds exactly like something you would say. She said it with a smile.

Vickie said...

The Week the Women Went
Lifetime network
8/14/12
10pm

Jill said...

(((((HUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGSSSSSSSSS))))))

So sorry you are feeling low. Hopefully the acupuncturist will be able to help.

I can't remember how old Sophie is, but do you feel she's old enough to watch your son while you go run? Maybe this is something you could talk over with Mark (and Sophie)- it might be a solution for you.

Helen said...

I'm sorry you are feeling low, Laura. One thing I can contribute here: when I was on wellbutrin 9 years ago to help with quitting smoking (and it helped with a lot more!), week 3 was THE WORST. Out of the blue, I'd be driving along and just feel like not stopping at a stop light...stuff like that. It was kind of scary, but I felt relaxed at the same time (if that makes sense). All bad symptoms went away after week 3. But that is just me and I know these drugs are totally individual. Hoping you get some relief soon. XOXO

Laura N said...

Thanks for all your support, girls. I am feeling better, at least compared to the wellbutrin-induced pit I was in Tuesday when I wrote this post.

Helen, your experience helps confirm it's not just me & it was the meds. (& you described it perfectly)

Jill, thank you as always for your hugs.

Vickie, your tough love is often not what I want to hear but what I need. I can "hear" it when I'm not in the pit. I know you are right. I have to work my way back to eliminating "magical thinking." And get real with myself. thank you.

My kids aren't old enough yet to be by themselves. 11 & 6 1/2. Not ready for Sophie to be responsible for Luke, for long periods of time or when I couldn't get back to them quickly (which I couldn't if I was 20 or 30 minutes away on a run). They aren't really the issue--it's getting a workout in after I get home from work at 5 or 6 pm. I'm just cooked by then. I have to hit the magic hour between 4-5:30, or it doesn't happen. (yes, I realize I have to get over this...I have work to do)

Vickie said...

Didn't think about you driving to run. Was picturing you running around your own blocks where you keep going by the house.

Can't remember if you have a treadmill?

It will be interesting to see if it was just the three week point and now it will level you out/help.