Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Paralyzed when I'm overhwelmed

One of the OA tools is writing.  So I'm writing.  So I won't eat.

I am overwhelmed right now by so much.

Work is busy--I've got stuff spread out all over my desk and have so much to do, I don't know where to start.  I try to take it a piece at a time, but when I'm overwhelmed, I don't want to do any of it.

Finances are miserably tight.  The move we made with the business in April has been wildly successful, BUT our cash flow is crap right now.  It will eventually get better, but our transactional commissions have been $0, and when that money doesn't come in--and we have no control over's all based on market conditions--then we run on empty.  We had to borrow money from my mom, that's how bad it's getting.

Luke probably has attention deficit disorder.  His first grade teacher wanted to talk with me about his inattention, inability to process information quickly, and his anger/acting out issues when he's frustrated. I had a great talk with her today.  I have called his pediatrician, and we are going to fill out Vanderbilt forms (whatever those are) and then have a conference about what Luke needs.  I'm sure it's ADHD.  Sophie's showed up in 1st grade; she didn't get help until the end of that year, and she struggled and cried much of that school year.  Thankfully we are starting early with Luke.  He is SOOOO smart, retains everything, is a creative problem solver (his teacher said he's the brightest kid in the class).  But there's a disconnect that sounds like ADHD.  If he does go on straterra (the non-stimulant drug Sophie takes) I can only pray it's covered by his insurance.

I still have to do our taxes (we always file in October, since we're self employed), which is a daunting task.  I have no time during the day and no desire (or time) at night.  It's just hanging over me like this big black cloud.

I'm not running enough, so I'm not doing the October half marathon.  I'm disappointed in myself and sad I won't be a part of it again this year.

I'm meeting new people through OA.  Which is good, but I've built this shell around me for so long--not letting people in on the "real" problems of my life--that every time I go to a meeting I lose a piece of the shell, which leaves a raw spot.  I have cried at every meeting, every time I talk and often when others talk. Thankfully the members are supportive and have been there; I feel no shame, it's just emotionally upheaving.

My mom started seeing a therapist last week, because her relationship with her husband is terrible.  She called me a couple of weeks ago ready to leave him.  I talked with her for a long time, multiple times over a few days.  I told her the only way she can learn to deal with him (and respond in a healthy way--she's 50% to blame for their issues) is to go to therapy.  We went round and round about the cost of it.  She said she can't spend $200-300 a month on therapy.  I wanted to beat my head against the wall.  I said it's cheaper than a divorce!  And I said if you don't go to therapy, I don't want to hear about your problems anymore.  She agreed to go.   I recommended my therapist, but she doesn't take Mom's insurance, so Mom went to another therapist in the office.  She said she likes her; I was still disappointed she's not seeing Julie.  Mom would have to pay Julie $130 a session; she pays about $30 a session through insurance.  So whatever.  At least she's going and I hope the therapist is good. 

I'm not feeling the crushing weight of depression right now, which is an improvement.  But I've got a great deal of anxiety flowing through me. And tasks of every day life still seem overwhelming to me some days.

I have had one abstinent day--yesterday.  I didn't eat at night.  I went to bed instead of sitting on the couch and staying up late to watch TV and eat. That couch time has been escape/trouble time for years. It's a horrible habit (Vickie wrote about that today, which was a very helpful post for me to read) that I keep reinforcing and haven't been able to stop for an extended period of time. 

The first step of OA is this: We admitted we were powerless over food--that our lives had become unmanageable. 

Big fat YES on both counts.

I feel powerless.  I feel unmanageable.  I feel raw. 

If I'm going to get healthy and follow the OA way, I can't cope with all that through my usual ally--food.

Where does that leave me?  

Step 2 is this: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

And that's the most paralyzing, overwhelming part of it all.  I do believe in God.  I do I do I do.  But I am like the man in the Bible story whose son needs healing, and he says to Jesus "I believe! Help my unbelief."  (John Ortberg at MPPC has a couple of great sermons on this topic).

I believe but I don't believe.  I am overwhelmed.  I am scared.  I am anxious.  I am one big ball of fear. 

Right now, I don't feel God intervening in all this.  I believe that He will. But I don't believe that He will.

"Perfect love casts out fear."  1 John 4:18.  When I googled that verse, I found this link.  Most definitely something I need to hear right now.

That's where I am today.  And today is all I can manage.  One day at a time.


jen said...

I have a hard time believing in help, too, but it still arrives.

Hope things calm down soon.

Jill said...

I think OA is going to be so good for you. It will help you handle the messiness and that face to face contact and support will be so beneficial to you. Think of it this way, each time you cry, you are releasing your attachment to food a little bit more. You are letting the emotions out, so that you won't need to let the food in. Keep writing - it's amazing how cathartic it can be to get it all down on paper (or on the screen).

I understand your "I believe, I don't believe" dilemma. I've prayed that prayer a lot (help my unbelief). I think as moms WE are usually the ones required to make it all better, so it's hard for us to accept help. But God loves you Laura and he IS helping you right now - you might just not realize it yet. It's going to be a long road of tiny steps, but you'll make progress, you will. I do believe that wholeheartedly.


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Vickie said...

How is your mom doing with all this post mentioned - ?

I am checking the follow up comment box if you reply here, I will see it.