Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Clothes (164.0)

When I lost weight in 2007 & 2008, I went clothes crazy. The MINUTE I got down to 146, I went on a shopping spree because I could get into a size 6 for the first time in my entire life. I bought adorable clothing--age appropriate, but figure flattering and kind of sexy.

I could wear those clothes for about 6 weeks.

I also bought a lot of clothes when I wore a size 8, which was for about 2 years.  I loved those clothes. They were sporty, casual, dressy, gorgeous clothes.  I still have some of them--I gave most of the 10s and some of the 8s to my girlfriend Debra.  I won't get rid of anything else because I believe I can get back to 148-150.

Last week, when I hit 165, I tried on my skinnier size 12s.  Some fit ok, some were still too tight.  This week the Levi's w/o spandex fit, when they didn't last week.  That made me feel really good about my progress.

After the try-on session, I felt a little nuts. Nuts as in, "I can't wait to be in these skinnier clothes.  Where are my 10s? I need to have those ready. When will people notice I'm losing weight again? Why aren't they noticing now?  Why don't I have more cute clothes? I need to go shopping, pronto."

I didn't realize it until a couple days later, as I was still obsessing about what to wear--I hate almost everything in my know how that can be--that I needed to PUT THE BRAKES on this whole clothes thing.

I have to take the focus off the external, and keep it on the internal.  I got into trouble the last time I did this, when it was all about how I looked. I rewarded myself with new clothes at every turn. My self-worth was based on how I looked, and on the thought, "am I finally good enough to measure up to the cute girls?"

There are some pretty deep-seated issues here.  I didn't have a lot of money growing up. I could never wear Guess jeans, because I had hips as soon as I hit puberty.  I wore leggings & long sweaters through most of high school.  In middle school I just wanted to disappear, and I wore big baggy clothes, including men's shirts from the Dollar General store (I sad is that?). I felt fat compared to everyone else, although looking back at my prom picture--when I wore a size 11 dress--I was perfectly normal, even on the small side, and not at all fat (although my 80s big hair was fat, haha).

Clothes can affect how we feel about ourselves, and I believe in dressing nicely and confidently and appropriately for my body shape.  That's not my issue here.

My concern is that I stay away from the mistakes I made before.  Clothing as a reward.  Buying clothes that I think will garner attention (even though, subconsciously, I can't yet handle that type of attention, which I didn't realize the first time I went through this).  Last time, the minute I could squeeze into a smaller size, I was in it.  This time, I'm wearing my baggy dress pants and will move into the smaller ones when they fit comfortably, not when I can first get into them. 

I have most of the clothes I need for the trip back down, although when I hit the 10s and 8s, I will need to shop since I gave most of those away. But that's not something I need to worry about right now.  I just have to focus on today.

Target had some cute basic tops that I got a couple weeks ago.  Two long sleeve v-necks, in black and a cornflower blue, and two short sleeve faux-wrap tees, in black and navy.  They were $10 or less each. I love them for work & for casual. I also got a leopard print dress from Target, that I am wearing to our client appreciate event this Friday at the zoo (if it's not too cold).  I will have my picture taken and post it after so I have a progress photo.  Shopping at Target is another change--I don't have to spend a fortune at Dillards or Ann Taylor Loft to look & feel good.


Cindy...154 said...

I was just thinking about all the shopping excitement when I finally got to a sizes 8 and 6. The size number was a big deal to me. I like the idea of focusing on the insides this time. tThat's what I need to do, too. I did not stay at the 6 long, either.

jen said...

I think when I got to goal I went too tight, too flashy, too young. I thought since I had a better body I needed to show it off. Then I felt uncomfortable.

When I get into smaller sizes this time around, I'm going to look for things that are cute but more professional and less look-at-me. After all, I won't be a different person then, I will still be me, and I should dress like me.

jen said...

P.S. I think you're right to take this clothes thing as a sign that you are looking for approval outside yourself instead of from within. I think that was my problem too.

I should really get back to my grading and not procrastinate like this by reading blogs...

Vickie said...

I do not think you are alone in only being in your goal clothes for 6 weeks.

There are a LOT of people who only see their goal number on the scale ONE time (I mean that literally).

I am not sure I knew you dumped your 8's and 10's. I could see the 6's, but interesting that the next steps up went too.

I think I remember buying new bras pretty quickly.

And I think pants (I had NONE, it was November).

And I remember my too bigs went immediately. I think I mailed most of it to Sharla in California. There was not a lot. Anything that could be altered was. There were a lot of dresses and tops that just needed big vertical darts in the back to fit. I think it was mostly the bottoms that went.

But I think I then waited about six months to let everything settle before I bought more/new.

And I bought more very, very carefully. It had to be closet worthy.

(I am talking about my second maintenance/lower number.)

First time around I just remember cleaning out my closet - every darned thing had to prove itself to go back in. I got rid of all the rest the very same day. I restocked very slowly.

I dress very conservatively, classically. I did not go through the trendy stages you and Jen mentioned.

I must have chosen well, because I am still wearing all of those clothes and love them.