My dress pants in size 12's from Christopher & Banks are getting too big. The waist has a "comfort band" that has two buttons at the waist. The inside button cinches in the waist so it doesn't gap (my waist is smaller than my bottom, being I'm a pear, and I have to be careful about the gappy-waist thing). I'm on the inside button but they are starting to slide down my hips a bit and are very baggy everywhere. A few months ago, I had the cinch waist on the outside button and they were tight in the rear.
Last week I wrote about how I was getting my 30 day chip. As is my pattern, as soon as I declare a success, I sabotage myself. I lost my day count last week.
I had a couple nights of late TV (watching Sons of Anarchy on NetFlix) in the family room, and had a Cliff bar & walnuts around 10:30 one night, another night had yogurt & fruit w/walnuts, and another night had a Luna bar. I didn't binge, but it wasn't abstinent.
The kicker was dinner on Wednesday night. We have friends who moved back to Evansville from overseas, and we went to visit them at their new (huge) house in the neighborhood next to ours. We ended up staying for dinner and had pizza. Pizza is on my binge list (the foods above are not). I had three slices of thin cheese pizza from Dominoes.
I could have chosen not to eat it. I had had fruit and a couple of pretzels that our friend had set out for all of us, and I wasn't hungry. I just didn't feel like explaining why I wasn't eating.
The wife is from Thailand, and she is a big "hospitality" person. I felt like if I didn't eat, I would insult her. And I was having a bad case of the envy's, after touring their home. It's beautiful and perfect and a house we would love to have but can't afford. Our kids loved it. Eating the pizza was easier & I wasn't able to muster to courage to say no.
I called my sponsor & left her a voicemail the next day, explaining my week & the pizza night. She called me Saturday morning and we talked. She said she realized I just got my 30 day chip, but I should just start over. I asked what start over meant--start my day count over? She said yes, start your day count over.
I did not binge after the pizza (it was a late TV/yogurt night, but I didn't binge). I did not compulsively OVEReat. But I did break my abstinence.
Abstinence means abstaining from compulsive overeating. You define your own abstinence. Mine is defined as not eating foods from my binge list and eating 3 meals a day. That definition may change over time, but that is where I am now.I was darn lucky I didn't binge. I could have, very easily.
At first I was ticked off that I had to start over. If I define my own abstinence, I thought, then why can't I include a small slip-up as part of my abstinence? Am I expected to be perfect? What happens if I mess up again 6 months from now?
I understand why she had me start over, at this early stage. I do feel more accountable. She told me not to let my ego get involved with the number of days. To take it one day at a time.
I don't have answers to "what happens if I mess up again?" I assume I will start over again. That is very disheartening. It makes me want to do everything I can to stay abstinent.
I haven't had any more issues since last Thursday. I went to dinner & a movie with my girlfriends at Olive Garden on Friday night, and had no issues at all. Did not eat bread. Had salad and the apricot chicken which has broccoli, asparagus, and tomatoes & a very light sauce (which must have had sugar in it, but it did not set me off). I didn't have any cravings after. (We saw Pitch Perfect--such a fun movie!)
I am getting through the weekends just fine--which is a small miracle.
We are hosting Thanksgiving this year, and I have a ton of work to do on the house to get ready. Lots of decluttering. I cleaned out Luke's room & clothes Saturday, then took everything to Goodwill & my friend who got Luke's small clothes for her son. It kept me busy. I will be doing that every weekend until Thanksgiving. Then I want to start on pictures and getting them printed & organized. That will take me months.
I'm thankful that when I'm not in the sugar, I have the energy and desire to stay busy. My meds and SAD light are also working.
I'm on day 6 today.