Monday, June 18, 2012

What I can and can't do right now

I am still struggling. We did increase meds from 100 to 150 mg. Too
early to know if that will help. So far it isn't.

I'm in a haze of ambivalence. I can function to keep up with my life
but have nothing left over. I can take a couple yoga classes a week
and even did 3 miles walk/run one day last week. I can do laundry all
day Saturday and take the kids where they need to go. I can shop, pay
bills, go to work.

The depression or whatever it is takes away the "extra spark" I
usually have. Sometimes, like today, things feel insurmountable and I
want to cry. I have a lot of intrusive thoughts. I'm easily angered
and frustrated. I often feel like giving up.

I know I'm not ok right now.

And I can't get the food right. I do okay during the day and then at
night I crash into sugar. I hate it. I can't stop myself.

Compared to many and from the outside I'm doing great. Inside, I can
barely stand it and just want the sadness and heavy feeling to go

I'm giving the increase in meds a few weeks. If I'm not better when we
get back from Colorado around July 11, I'm going back to the psych.

I'm slammed at work and at home.
I'm overwhelmed but I don't know what else to do right now. Other than
take it one day at a time and trust that it will get better.

Thank you for thinking of me, Vickie, and letting me know. I think
about you a lot--wondering how you DO all you do and stay stable and
eat well. And I'm amazed at you!


Jill said...

(((((hugs)))) I'm pulling for you, sister.

Vickie said...

Try very hard NOT to commit yourself for/to anything for later this summer and fall and winter.

I realize you have things you just have to get thru right now, but please do not set yourself up to continue at this pace.

My house is not as clean as you probably think it is.

You are not a victim to night time eating. You are stuck in a neuropathway response loop. You need to replace one loop with another. You are not a helpless victim. Either stop doing what sets off the loop (tv, whatever) or replace the response with another action. I told someone the other day that if they did pushups every time they walked to the refrigerator/pantry, my guess was they would stop walking there. Throw out whatever is calling to you. Kids don't need junk more than a sane/happy mom, and kids don't need junk neuro pathway loops either.

Unknown said...

Thank you, Vickie. I needed the kick in the pants & the wisdom. I will re-read your comment again tonight when I'm struggling!

Unknown said...

And thank YOU Jill for always hugging me & supporting me!

Shauna said...

thinking of you L.... huuuug hug hug xxooxoxox

Cindy...154 said...

Hang in there. You do so much. I am amazed that you run and do yoga. You will get through this and get better. Big Hug.

Vickie said...

how did the week end up? can you tell any difference in meds yet?

Vickie said...

I was watching tv with middle while making Ellen's list. I could think of things faster than I could type. I read the list to middle (who is very good thinker and creative person) and she could not think of a thing to add.

Some of those I have been doing with my broken foot, others I have done during other confinements.

I think it is important to have relaxing things or still things to turn to, so we don't turn to food.

That same list could be used to reroute neuropathways/loops/habits to avoid eating at random times.

Vickie said...

How is this week flowing?