Around 10 that night, I was sitting in the family room watching TV, and the binge thoughts started.
So anyway, I was determined to head off the binge, even though I was thinking of the cookies in the cupboard. I didn't binge on cookies, but I still ate. I had 2 laughing cow cheese wedges on about 10 soy crisps. Then I had a bowl of Kashi cereal with milk. It wasn't earth shattering. But it wasn't healthy or abstinent, either.I know what you're thinking... WHY would you be in the family room where you know you binge? Well, I didn't want to be around Mark. It wasn't HIM, it was the fact that he's a human being. I'm about 1/2 extrovert, 1/2 introvert. When I am as extroverted as I was at dinner, I have to recharge by having an equal amount of solitude. So I stayed away from him for some quiet time. Looking back, it would have been better to just go to bed and tell him I needed quiet. But at the time, I literally could not even stand the presence of another body in the room with me.
That night set me up for a messed up Thursday. I was still "fried" the next morning (needed more alone time), but also bloated and not hungry for breakfast. I got to stay home until 11 am (since I'd worked 12 hours on Wednesday b/c of the dinner, Mark said it was OK to be tired & stay home for a bit Thursday morning), so I did get my introvert recharge completed. But I skipped breakfast.
Around 11:30 am I had yogurt & raspberries and a Luna bar before I left for work, which is a pathetic lunch, I know. I think I was playing a penitence game with myself. "I ate last night.... I don't need to eat now. I deserve to be hungry for a while since I didn't feel hungry this morning." I then had an early dinner at work (frozen meal and an apple) at 3:30 pm. I worked until 5ish, had a church meeting at 6, then choir at 7, then home by 8:30.
I was feeling fine, relaxed, not stressed. But I was stomach-hungry. Instead of eating something healthy around 9 pm after the kids went to bed, I said "NO! you don't eat after 8:30. That will cause you to binge." Of course, at 10 pm I was starving (I WAS in bed, not in the family room--I was hungry, not binge-thinking). And I went back to the soy crisps and the laughing cow. Only one wedge, only 8 crisps. But still. As soon as I hit the kitchen, I started thinking of cookies. Thank goodness I didn't eat them.
Second night in a row of that kind of stuff could be the beginning of a pattern. Time to stop that now. So I'm writing about it.
Monday night my sponsor told me to write down all my trigger foods. I thought that would be easy and a short list. Ha. I have a full page in a school composition notebook filled from top to bottom. She also asked me to write about my food history (as I wrote it, I thought of more & more trigger foods). I went all the way back to Kindergarten or 1st grade, when a babysitter taught me that butter on top of poptarts makes them even tastier. I wrote for over an hour, I think, and only got through middle school. I have about 25 more years to cover. I am trying to remember significant food obsessions and activity, and also negative body image and eating-for-comfort/stress relief/boredom experiences.
One example is when I was at my grandma's house when I was in early grade school. I was a very picky eater. I often only ate white bread PB sandwiches, and I would also make white bread toast with margarine covered in cinnamon/sugar. Grandma kept a shaker of cinnamon/sugar mixed up so we could all do this. I also would eat (and sneak) spoonfuls of Nestle Quick straight out of the container. I would eat cake mix the same way--dry, with a spoon and a glass of milk on the side. All when I was under the age of 10. Food compulsion, anyone?
I'm better today. Ate a good breakfast and lunch, had an acupuncture treatment (ahhh, bliss), and will be home tonight to have a healthy dinner. I will work on my food history this weekend to keep me focused on WHY I'm doing the OA program. And hopefully that will help me stick to it.