Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Struggling

It's been a tough few weeks.

I do fine during the day. Then I walk into my house at the end of the
day and it's like the air is let out of a balloon.

I deflate. I feel oppressed. I feel the weight of the world.

It makes me eat.

And I've gained 6 pounds.

A lot of this oppression at home is self imposed. I am much harder on
myself about keeping the house up than my family cares about. But *I*
care.

Just the shear fact of getting kids and myself dinner, and baths
(which they only get a few times a week--it's not an every night
thing), and homework (school's out today), picking up clutter, doing
laundry, opening mail and paying bills, and the myriad of "to do's"
that never get done.... Basically I get home and don't sit down or do
anything for me until after 9 pm.

And then I have nothing left. I am in the rut of sitting on the couch
and watching TV and eating sugar. A lot of sugar.

I know it's The Afters. The nights I've done Yoga have been better. I
got to go 3 times last week. That still left 4 nights of severe
Afters.

I have been thinking all morning how to break the cycle (Vickie, I was
just getting ready to write this when you commented). My pants are
tight today. It's a constant reminder things have to change.

I want to start running again. When I run I do better. It's summer
now. I should have more time. I'll be training soon for a half
marathon in October.

It's the energy that's the issue. It's a monumental task right now to
work all day, then take care of Life at Home, then workout. It's also
impossible for me to get up before work to run--I can't make myself
get out of bed early. Mark can pick up kids one or two days a week,
and I take advantage of it when he does.

Even on those days, though, I struggle with the deflated thing at
home. It's easier in some ways because I had time to recharge a bit.
But not that much easier.

So that's life right now. Work is still great. We love it here. And
I'm not feeling depressed. Just overwhelmed, I guess.

The summer is already packed. That has me anxious because it's going
to cost us a good deal to do everything--summer day camps are a
fortune; a trip to Colorado in July for our niece's wedding; Mark's
50th birthday surprise party at the end of July.

I have to find the energy to change. Today it feels like a huge undertaking.

I pulled up Kay Sheppard's website this morning. I'm taking steps to change.

I know it will get better. It always does. I will find my way out. Again.

9 comments:

Vickie said...

I went back and looked. You have not posted your weight, your normal practice when you are focused, as part of your post title since March 9th. I hadn't realized it until you wrote this post.

I would guess your night time eating is tied into the tireds.

One hour at a time or one day at a time.

And at least you only have to distract yourself at night. Some people are dealing with the whole long day.

Helen said...

Another bright side thing from my perspective: it's "only" 6 pounds. If I was eating "lots" of sugar (or any sugar really!) I'd gain that literally OVERNIGHT. You are right that it's a question of getting into the good habits again...easier said than done, I know...

Vickie said...

how goes the weekend?

are you able to stream line your summer at all (change some of your obligations so they are more manageable)?

thought about you.

Jae said...

Just found you today. Call it karma, God, whatever, but I needed to find your blog today. So glad I did. My FunnyShrinkGuy told me once, when I was bemoaning having to start over with good eats/exercise "Starting over is part of life, but remember, you take the NewYou into every new StartingOver. NewYou knows how to do your NewLife."

So often, I drag my NewSelf back into my OldHer thinking and let OldHer scream at me. Pattern of bad self talk when I'm in TheSugarHell. Hugs to you from an older sister who understands.

Cindy...154 said...

I can totally relate to the evening eating, the afters and the not feeling good enough about housekeeping. But six pounds will come off easily with your activity level. I have been moving and have had so much to do all the time, that I have been limiting my focus as much as possible. I map my day out, remain flexible, and focus on blocks of time or tasks. Seeing all at once is way too overwhelming.

Vickie said...

How goes it?

Vickie said...

“May today there be peace within.
May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others.
May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content with yourself just the way you are.
Let this acknowledgement settle into your bones,
and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.”
~ Bill O’Hanlon

Vickie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vickie said...

Delete was me, first it wasn't there at all and then it was there twice, getting used to new iPad