Thursday, June 07, 2007

Freedom in my Food Plan

I feel like rambling, so here goes:

So one of the things I've noticed about being on a food plan is that it frees me from making stupid choices in the grocery store and/or Target.

Before my plan, it was like I couldn't STOP myself from buying poptarts or powdered donuts (those were my poison of choice for months). I'd tell myself NO YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS and like a robot I'd put them in my cart anyway, buy them, and eat them in the car before I got home, be covered in powdered sugar I'd try to brush off my clothes, and then hide the empty packages at the bottom of the trashcan in the garage before I went in the house.

Seriously, there was nothing I could do to stop myself. The urge was so powerful, so controlling, I had no control.

Yesterday in Target I was in the powdered sugar donut aisle getting graham cracker sticks for the kids, and I looked those donuts square in the face and felt nothing. No pull, no urge, just "huh, look, there's the donuts."

There is freedom in a plan. I am free to ignore that crap on the shelves. I am free to pass up the cinnamon scone on the counter by the microwave at work (although I have been looking at it longingly--I have a thing for cinnamon), choosing instead to nuke my asparagus and cut up my apple for my afternoon snack. I am free because it's just not an option any more. I don't have to fight it--there's nothing to fight.

I still have demons--the biggest, my night eating habit when I should be asleep, is still haunting me. I'm not anywhere near perfect. I've got emotional scars that won't heal unless I work on them, but at least I'm not medicating myself with food any more (at least 99% of the time).

I've been on plenty of plans before, and I haven't felt this freedom. So what's different this time? Partly, it's the program-- being accountable to someone 3 times a week is a big motivator for eating on plan. But, hey, I could always lie and not write down what I eat and pretend I've been good, so that's not the ultimate reason.

Ultimately, I think I just decided it's time. It was time for me to cut the bullsh!t and just get this done. And because....

....I'll be 40 in 2 years and 10 months.

....I've got two young kids who I'd like to see grow up and not have them checking me into a nursing home in their early 20s.

....I've got a husband in fabulous shape who, even though he's 8 years older than me looks younger than me when I weighed 200+, and I don't want to get the "what's he doing with the fat wife?" look any more.

And, dammit, I want to look good again. I want to turn heads. I want to feel sexy. I want to be in my 40s but look like I'm still 35. And FEEL like I'm still 35. Or 25, which is truly the last time I felt any of those wonderful things that goes with being THINner. I weighed 145 at age 25. Funny, that's my goal weight now.

Those are my reasons. What are yours?

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