New low - 150.2 - and general updates

I swear, 2 to 3 pounds up or down make a big difference in how I look & how my clothes fit.

I am feeling a bit better.  A lady at my church meeting last night told me to put Vic's vapo rub on my feet & wear socks while I sleep, and it would help my congestion/cough.  I woke up feeling less congested.  I still have the cough.  I will do it again tonight.  I've heard of this before but haven't done it until now.  Have any of you tried this?  Has to do with the reflexology points in your feet connecting to the rest of your body.

I had an acupuncture session yesterday.  It had been 3 weeks since my last session, and it was wonderful.  The more "out of balance" I am, the more it makes me feel relaxed & centered. 

I am weaning off wellbutrin.  I've been taking it for a couple years now and it's at the point where it's not only not helping, it's making me feel worse.  I've been here before.  I talked to my psych nurse practitioner last week about weaning off.  She has other patients who do this, too.  The idea is that I get it out of my system for a few months, and then when I can tell I need it again, I start again and it works like it should.  I wean off slowly.  Take it every other day for a couple of weeks, then every two days for a couple of weeks, then every three days, etc., until I can get down to taking nothing.  It's a good time of year to do this, since the sun and warm weather (and the ability to run more often) will go along way in keeping my depression away. 

I'm still taking lamictal, which keep my moods stable.  I take 75 mg in the morning.  I took 100 mg last summer and it caused panic attacks, so I have to keep it at 75.  The same panic attacks happened in 2009 when I took 300 mg wellbutrin.  Clearly there's a level of medication that my brain can't handle.  It's good to know those boundaries.

Sophie has strep throat.  She had her tonsils out in 2nd grade but she still gets strep occasionally.  She must be a carrier.  There's a strong strain going around--doctor told us at her appointment yesterday that last week they had 6 cases of strep in one afternoon.  A friend of hers has it.  Many kids out for strep at school.  She's on an antibiotic and is home again today.

Luke is getting glasses!  He's such a cutie in them.  He has different levels of far-sightedness in his eyes; one is extreme, which causes him to have depth perception problems.  No wonder he doesn't like baseball or pitch & catch.  He's excited to get them.  I will be interested to see what he has to say about what the world looks like with them on.

The weather is going to warm up tomorrow--thank heavens.  I am hoping to feel good enough to go for a run or two.  I'm toying with the idea of doing a half marathon on April 6th.  My main hesitation is that it is hilly, and while I do train on a hill or two, I mostly run on flat roads.  A friend in OA has run it and she said they aren't that bad.  Others I've talked to have said it's really hard.  Guess if I want to challenge myself I should run it.  I'll see how my training goes in the next few weeks and decide.  I love races and they keep me motivated to run.

So that's it for me.  I am glad to not feel exhausted and to see the sunshine today.  Hope you all enjoy your weekend.

Still coughing nonstop (152.2)

I felt pretty bad all weekend.  I have a horrible cough, still.  At night when I lay down it gets worse.  I didn't sleep well all weekend.  My abs are sore from coughing.  It's getting very tiresome.  I had no energy to workout, and haven't run since the race.  I want to, but can't. It sucks.

I ate comfort foods this weekend and it showed on the scale this morning.  No sugar foods but not great choices.  I also started my period Sunday, and was crampy, so one more reason (excuse) to comfort myself.

Yesterday was 5 months of abstinence. I'll get my 5 month chip tonight.

I didn't lose any weight this past 30 days.  I'm not surprised.  I didn't excercise much.  Travel food, while not sugar based, had a lot of sodium.  I also expect my body is leveled out right now.  To get the weight loss going again I will need to change up my diet and add weight training to my routine, which I can do now that I'm not training for a race.  I love weight training classes and can't wait to get back into them.

I have no idea where my weight will end up.  I want to get into the normal BMI range (149 is normal).  I'd like to get down to 145 at least.  Eventually I'd like to get a lot more weight off my lower half, which will take probably another 10 pounds (so down to 135).  Last time I was 135 was probably middle school. 

I'm not concerned about how long it takes.  I like the way I look and feel in clothes.  I can wear most of my size 8s & mediums from 2008.  I still don't like the belly fat and hip/butt fat.  Weights and more cardio will help get it off.  And I need to reduce my carb intake and up my veggie intake at night.

Other than feeling sick and frustrated with this cough and congestion, I'm doing fine.  I am SO over the cold weather.  It's a drag, too.  We are supposed to be in the 60s by Saturday and Sunday. Hopefully it's the start of warmer weather to come. March can be cold, though, so I'm not holding my breath.

Photos from the race (151.4)

I still have a terrible cough and squeaky voice.  It's been 8 days now.  I finish my z-pack (antibiotic) tonight.  Hopefully I'm on the down hill with this crud.  A lot of people around here have the same thing.

So I'm totally addicted to Disney races now.  I'm already saving for next year.  It was so much fun, and I can't wait to do it again.

Here are some photos.  I felt so good about how I looked this trip.  It was wonderful to be comfortable in clothes & in my own skin.  We bought matching tiaras in Germany at Epcot and wore them all weekend.

First thing we did after checking in at the hotel was go to Epcot.

Here I am at 3:45 AM in my tutu.  I ran the whole race in the tutu.  Didn't bother me at all.  I was Sleeping Beauty again this year. Next year I'm planning to be Alice in Wonderland.



At the expo, the day before the race for packet pickup, with the girls and Cinderella's footmen.  

At dinner with the girls, the afternoon of the race. (Amy is wearing her big tiara--she has three!)

About 6 miles into the race, we run through the castle.

Quick race/weekend report (152.2)

I have to pick up kids in about 10 minutes so this will be short.

I had a wonderful girls' weekend.  I did not have a great race.

I had a cold that started on Thursday which culminated in a teeth-chattering fever 3 hours before I had to get ready for the race. 

The race starts ridiculously early.  The last bus leaves the resorts at 4 am and we are to be in our corals by 5 am.  My coral crossed the start line at 6:10.  We wake up at 2:45 to be ready to leave the hotel at 3:30.  Insane, yes.  Fun, heck yes.

My fever hit at midnight.  I took 3 advil and prayed I'd be okay.  I was, but obviously not 100%.

That's not all that made the race crappy.  I registered for the race late, so even though I put a finishing time of 2:46 (you had to have proof of time from a previous race to get in an earlier coral), I ended up way back with the walkers. 

Last year there were ~18,000 people in the race.  Last year I was in coral D.  Last year, even though there were a lot of people, I was able to easily run the whole time without being blocked by slower people in front of me.

This year there were 26,000 people.  This year I was in coral F.  This year I spent the entire race--the ENTIRE race--weaving between people.  Not once did I have a clear path to just run.  It's frustrating and exhausting to run a race like that.  At mile 11, when it got congested again (path narrows many times when it's harder to dodge & weave), I just gave up and walked the last 2 miles.  I knew I'd finish, I didn't care about my time, and I was sick and tired. 

Even though the race was my worst experience ever, the experience was still fabulous.

And food was not an issue at all.  Not once.  I had no desire to eat sweets or over indulge.  I am SO THANKFUL that I was abstinent for this thing.  It made traveling easier, not harder.  I'm grateful that, even though I'll always be a food addict, I do not have to eat like that any more.

I started an antibiotic when I got home last night.  Called the doctor while I was still in Florida yesterday morning.  I have a horrible cough and congestion.  I am glad to be home.

Princess! (150.4)

I'm in the car, my friend Heather is driving, on the way to Indy to
catch a flight at noon for Orlando!

Sunday I'll run my 7th half marathon. As Princess Aurora. In a tutu.
Should be interesting!

I haven't trained like I should have. I had a good 10 mile run 2 weeks
ago, and I know I'll finish but I won't be fast. Which is totally
fine. It's going to be warm--65-70. I weigh 20 pounds less than I did
last year, so that should help. I am stopping this year to take pcs
with characters on the route. I didn't last year because I didn't want
to stop and wait.

We moved into our new office this week. It's so pretty. The walls of
our offices are blue. Hallways are blue grey. Floors are dark
bamboo--they are gorgeous. Trim is all white. Hallways are wide. Big
galley kitchen. Bathrooms are pretty. Big windows in the front. I have
a window, and new office furniture.

By Wednesday I was completely unpacked and had pictures on the wall. I
will take pics and post them in the next week or so.

I started getting a little sick yesterday. Had no voice when I woke
up. I felt ok until late afternoon and then started feeling pretty
rough. I'm on adrenaline right now so don't feel too bad but my voice
is squeaky. I'm hoping I feel a lot better by the race. Taking vitamin
c and drinking a lot of water.

This is the first time I've travelled while in OA. I talked with my
sponsor about it. She travels a lot and gave me plenty of tips and
ideas. I'm giving it to God and know it will be fine.

I feel so much better this year than last. I'm wearing smaller clothes
and am more comfortable in my skin. It's a nice place to be.

I'll report back next week.

Steady as she goes (152.0)

Life is plugging along. 

I ran 4 times last week, including 10 miles on Saturday.  My endurance isn't as good as I'd like for the race next weekend (omg, next weekend!!), but it's good enough.

Food is still OK.  I go to OA meetings every Monday night and talk to my sponsor and read my OA material.  It all keeps me abstinent.

The wedding Saturday night was wonderful.  It was very small, just family and a few close friends. I love weddings.  Love them.  So I was ready for a good night.  I wore a simple black dress (size 8 from my 2008 wardrobe), with black tights (regular waist tights, not high-waist spanx, and still no muffin top) and cute shoes, with my hair up in a twist. I felt confident and comfortable in my body and my clothes.  It was wonderful!

At the reception we sat with the couple's friends from Washington, DC, who all work for the FBI (the newlyweds work for the FBI).  Very interesting people, who of course told us nothing about what they do.

We danced & danced.  Dinner was easy--soup, salad, veggies, red potatoes (I had one), fish. I had absolutely no problem with the cake.  It doesn't even appeal to me anymore.

I think the dancing worked all the lactic acid out of my legs because I wasn't sore at all on Sunday after the 10 miles on Saturday. 

We are half way through February, the days are getting longer, the weather will be warmer soon, and in a little over a week I'm leaving for 4 days in Florida.  Things are pretty good right now.

"New" dresses (151.4)

So last night I was thinking of what I could wear to a wedding we are going to on Saturday.  I wear mostly black, grey, and blue clothes (seriously, my wardrobe needs a makeover) and nothing currently in my closet is festive enough to wear to a wedding in February. 

I remembered a dress from my skinny years that is pink and black, with an empire waist and deep-V neck and back.  It was in one of the "these clothes don't fit" underbed boxes in Luke's room.  I dragged out the box, found the dress, and tried it on.

It fits perfectly.  It's a size 8.  I haven't worn it in over 3 years. 

I have several other dresses that I didn't give away, all size 8s, so I tried them on too.  They all fit. 

Today I am wearing the brown dress that I remember looking at last year and thinking "my gosh, you were skinny when you wore that."

This weight loss has snuck up on me.  I am still carrying a lot of weight in my hips and legs--more so than I did when I was this weight the last time.  And I figured a lot of stuff wouldn't fit (my size 8 capris, for example, are still too tight--or at least they were a few pounds ago; I'll try them on again before I leave for Florida in a couple of weeks) .  My dresses are A-line and the hip area is forgiving; the top portions are fitted at the waist.  Stacy & Clinton would be OK with my dresses, ha.

I can also wear my size 8 brown wool coat.  I tried it on a few months ago and it was super tight.  It's dress length, fitted at the waist with 3 buttons, A-line shape.  It's not snug at all and looks great.

The first time I lost weight I was in the mall every time I lost a few pounds.  I watched my clothing sizes like a hawk and enjoyed getting the emotional "hit" when I bought clothes in a boutique store like The Loft or J.Jill. 

This time, I decided not to make this all about the clothes, to not spend the excess money, to only buy what I need to function during the week.  It has been fun, though, to go through my skinny clothes and have them start fitting.  Being this size and getting into clothes I love motivates me to keep in shape and watch my food.

But I am very aware that I need to be careful about how I react to the attention I might get from the now-noticeable weight loss.  That attention likely contributed to my derailing last time.  That can't happen again.  At least I am aware of it this time and have a therapist and a sponsor I can talk with.

For today I'll just enjoy my "new" clothes and be thankful.

Good riddance January. Hello February! (152.2)

The sun is shining and although it's very cold (15 degrees), I feel so much better in the sunshine and high pressure system.  I hate that my moods are so extraordinarily tied to pressure systems & sunshine.  But it is who I am so I have to work with it & enjoy the UP times as much as I can.

Thank you for your thoughtful comments to yesterday's post. You are right--I am burying feelings.  I haven't seriously examined what feelings I'm having when I turn to mindlessness.  My guess is.... anxiety, fear, helplessness, frustration, exhaustion, disappointment.  It would help to reflect and WRITE while I'm going through a period like that, so I can concretely identify the WHAT and WHY's.  And then devise a plan for next time. 

There will always be a next time.

I agree that I set myself up for an avalanche when I don't "just do it."  Wednesday was the perfect example.  I will learn from it, and the next time I don't wanna, I will remember it's easier to get it over with and not ruminate all night. 

It also helps to know that this is just my pattern in life.  January is my worst month of the year.  Whether it's a self-fulfilling prophecy or not, who knows.  Even though it was as tough month, I am thankful I didn't bury myself in food.  When I reflect on the month, I have a lot to be thankful for.  I was never in bed all day.  I didn't move through mud every day of the month.  I did run several times and did two long runs. I have been busy with the kids.  I have been busy at work.  I never put myself in a food coma.  I was a good mom.  My husband is very understanding when I go through periods like this, and he takes up the slack at home (he does laundry and cleans and does dishes, and is super supportive).

I realize I need to just get over my hatred of the TM. I don't know when I started disliking it so much. It's totally irrational. 3 miles takes me about 35 minutes on the road.  I almost always walk more on the TM, though, so it can take longer, probably because I watch TV instead of listening to music.  AHA! Listen to music on the TM.  Do intervals.  Push & challenge & get it over with more quickly.  That is how I've made the TM bearable in the past.  It's going to take some mental muscle to get past this.  I know I can do it.

Last night was another late one.  We got home around 8:10 pm.  We didn't go home between school and variety show rehearsal.  I took an apple, celery, and peanut butter (that I keep at work) with me to rehearsal and ate that at 5:30 pm. When I got home I had some of the couscous/veggie dinner from the night before, and three lavash crackers lightly spread with PB (prob a tsp total). I had hot tea & went to bed.  Not the couch.  I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep.

This morning we had a blessed two hour delay at school because we got some snow last night.  We all needed those extra two hours at home. 

We are closer to spring every day.  Two of my Facebook friends posted pics this week of daffodils blooming, which is nuts. But it brings me hope and reminds me that winter is almost behind me.

I am planning to run after work today.  Outside if it's not windy.  The roads are clear enough for me to run on, and I can avoid any icy patches if it's still light outside.  I love running when there is snow on the ground.  Hopefully Saturday morning I can run 9 miles before the variety show.  It's supposed to be windy Sunday afternoon, so I really don't want to wait until then.  I do not want to run 9 miles on the treadmill. I've done it before and it is not easy.

Today is 4 months in OA.  I will get my 4 month chip Monday.  I am down 3.2 pounds in the past 30 days.  Total of 23 pounds since starting the program in September.  The small losses each month add up quickly, because time moves so quickly.  My husband thinks I look great.  I feel great.  My size 10 pants are loose.  I can wear a pair of my old size 8 jeans (they are stretchy, though... I couldn't wear size 8 Levi's.  My size 10 Levi's are comfy and not at all tight).

In three weeks I leave for Orlando.  Now that is something to be excited about.

Still using food, even though it's not sugar (152.0)

It's been a very difficult week.  Not only is it busy with the kids' variety show Tuesday night, tonight, and Saturday, the crazy weather and my hormones have pushed me into a pit.

My food has not been clean this week. I do fine during the day.  At night, the Afters kick in and I am simply eating too much. 

Today is my 119 day of abstinence.  I've lost 23 pounds since I started going to OA meetings last September. I haven't had one bite of a sugar/flour/fat trigger food in those 119 days.

But, I have to be honest, I am still using food for comfort.

I didn't expect all my food issues to be switched OFF just because I'm in this program.

What I do expect is that if I don't WORK this program, I'm going to start having (more) problems with food.

I have been complacent and lazy.  I have been happy with my weight and delighted that the weight loss has been relatively easy.  80% of the time I eat what I need to eat.  It's the other 20% that is a concern.

Here's what last night looked like.

Long day at work.  Left at 4:30 and ran to the grocery store for a few things.  Picked up kids at 5.  Home by 5:15 (seriously, I can get almost anywhere in 10 minutes.  Love where I live).  Debated whether to get on the treadmill and do 3 miles.  Hate the treadmill + no reserve energy = no treadmill.

No run means guilt, and no endorphins to alleviate the pain of the changing weather and my moods. 

Changed into slouchy PJs.  Made dinner for me--curry couscous with carrots, celery, and tons of asparagus.  Yummy and filled me up.  But my icky feelings remained.

So ate a lemon luna bar with a cup of hot tea.  Watched mindless television while Mark & kids worked on Luke's zombie costume for the variety show.

Made the kids pizza for dinner.  Ate 2 small slices of their pizza.

Helped Luke with homework.  Watched more mindless TV.  Beat myself up for eating too much and not getting on the treadmill.

Ate a handful of peanuts. Ate a pretzel luna bar (yes, these are a problem. yes, there is sugar in them. no, they aren't on my binge list.  but are a concern that I can't ignore any longer) and had another cup of hot tea.

Felt really guilty because I ate that second luna bar. Recognized my insanity.  Said a prayer for help.

Helped kids get ready for bed.  Then watched "Our Idiot Brother" until 10:30.  Fell asleep on couch.  Moved to bed around 1:30 am.

Woke up this morning expecting a big gain on the scale. Instead it's a loss. Thankful but aware that a loss doesn't mean I got away with anything.

The main problem I'm facing is that working the OA program means mental energy focused on reading and writing and talking with people on the phone.  After a day at work, after an evening with kids, I resort to comforting my Afters with unhealthy and unproductive things like TV or fluff books. 

I haven't made the shift to taking care of myself using the tools I've been given through OA.  Instead I'm still using my "escape" tools.  It doesn't include binge foods, but the escape isn't getting me where I need to be.

And if I don't change my escapism ways, it's only a matter of time before I slip for real. 

I believe in rest, and I believe there are nights when I'm going to be completely unproductive.  But most of this winter has been one long escape for me.

It's the last day of January, and spring is coming soon.  I am writing about this and will talk to my sponsor about it.  I am not depressed and I am not failing.  I am aware and writing.  And I am asking my higher power to help me get through this.

Because clearly I can't do it on my own. 

Monday check in (152.6)

Crazy busy week, so here's a quick update to start the week.

I ran last Thursday after work--3.5 miles, and it was fabulous. I hadn't run for 12 days, so I was glad it went so well. It was cold, around 30 degrees. I ran by the river, at dusk.  It was full dark when I finished.  The trail is completely off road so it was safe (and in a safe area, not urban).  I love running in the cold. It takes more work to get dressed, but I'll take it over heat and humidity and definitely over the treadmill.

I ran 8.25 miles Saturday around noon.  Another very nice day, temps in upper 30s.  But at mile 4 or so, my legs turned to lead.  Which makes sense, since I hadn't kept up my weekly runs.  I plowed through and finished, with a lot of walking after mile 7.  This run reinforces how important my weekly runs are. 

Less than a month until the half marathon on 2/24.

I had a really hard Sunday.  The combination of the full moon, low pressure system moving through, and my hormones was a perfect storm of BLECH.  I was out of sorts all day.  I kept busy, not by choice--church, then grocery & craft store (for Sophie's book report), then variety show rehearsals from 3 - 5 (for the kids' show this Saturday), then I cooked dinner.  I finally sat down around 6:30. 

Downton Abbey was a difficult/emotional episode, and that didn't sit well with me at 10:30 pm when we were finished watching it, so I watched an hour of the show Episodes, for some comic relief.  (Love Episodes.  It's on Showtime.  I'm rewatching season 2.)  Made for a late night but I usually don't go to bed until after 11, so I'm used to it.

Food is good.  Loving that the weight is slowly creeping down & staying down.  So thankful I have admitted I am powerless over food and that I don't have to rely on my willpower to keep me sane.

Face in the mirror (153.6)

Do you ever look at yourself and think, is that really what I look
like? Can that really be ME?

I've done that a lot. It happened again last night.

When I was really overweight my face was swollen and, well, fat. When
I was pregnant even my nose got fat (it was truly bizarre). I didn't
recognize myself for many years.

Some fat women have lovely faces. Some women on the biggest loser look
great from the neck up. One of my good friends who weighs 300+ pounds
is gorgeous. I've seen a pic of her when she was younger and prob
170-200 (she's about 5'9'') and she doesn't look that much different
(IMO).

I look at old pictures of myself now and can't believe it's what I
looked like. Now I don't resemble the me of the past at all.

We have a mirror in our bedroom on the bathroom door that faces my
side of the bed. I can't have the door open when I'm in bed (it's an
OCD thing) and the mirror often reflects me while I'm sitting in bed.
Yes, I will get up and reposition the door so it's closed but I'm not
looking at myself.

Last night after I took off my makeup and put my hair in a pony tail,
I caught a glimpse and thought, I look soooo much like my mom. Not my
mom now. But my mom in her 20s or 30s. And I look a lot like my aunt,
her sister, who is 7 years older than me.

When I got thin in 2007-08, family compared me to my aunt a lot. She's
the only naturally thin person in our family. She got it from my
grandpa, who was a bean pole.

I don't know where all this is going other than I felt weird, and
often feel weird, in my own skin. There's a point when I get to a
certain weight that my face maybe is thinner than I'm used to seeing.
That I've only really had for a couple years of my adult life.

I'm back at that point now.

I don't know what I expect to see. I've lived with myself for 42
years. You'd think this wouldn't be an issue! It's just odd to see so
much of other people in my face in the mirror.

I also think I have a conception in my mind of how I look that doesn't
always match reality. Pictures of me--the good ones--are more
reliable. Then the bad ones throw me again. Is that what I really look
like?

I wonder what it will be like in 20-30 years (I'm being optimistic--I
WILL look exactly the same in my 50s as I do now!) when I'm covered in
wrinkles?

I'm starting to do the same thing with my hands. When did my hands
turn into my grandmother's?

So that's the totally random mind deposit for the day.
***
I have been basically sick or feeling poorly since last Wednesday. I
haven't run in almost 2 weeks. I hate this cold weather. I'm busier
than is normal (work, kids' variety show rehearsals during the week
and on weekends, and it's not going to let up for a while). And I
generally feel life spinning wildly around me.

What this does is cause me to shut down when I'm home at night. I've
watched all of Downton Abbey in the past few weeks (love!!). I've
read a bit of fluffy fiction. I don't want to do anything of
consequence in my down time. I don't have it in me.

I've kept up on laundry and keeping the house clean, so I'm not being
a slug or anything. I just want to carve out more for myself. More
running, reading OA lit and working on my 30 questions, more
spirituality.

I hope for spring's extra sunshine and renewal of spirit.

But I'm ok. I'm really very ok. Food is abstinent. That's a lot to be
hopeful and happy about.

Quick update (152.8)

I'm swamped.  I'm also starting to get sick with the virus my son has--sinus pain & congestion, headache, general malaise. There's so much going around, including the flu, which we haven't gotten yet (knock wood). 

I had a rough weekend but I survived without eating my way through it.  I think I was having PMS issues. 

I managed to run 7 miles on Saturday.  I had a great 1st mile -- 10:35, which is fast for me.  The rest of the run was much slower & I think my pace ended up in the 12:00ish/mile.  It was very warm & humid and I had a hard time breathing.  I used my inhaler before my run, but didn't take it with me because I haven't been needing it.  I think the humidity affected my breathing.  The cold does too.  I'll probably start taking my inhaler with me on long runs.

Weekly OA meetings continue to be my lifeline.  They are on Monday nights, which is perfect.  Something to look forward to when the weekends are hard, and it sets the tone for the new week.

I wanted to check in, even though this is brief.  And I'm so happy my weight is going back down again. 

It's the least wonderful time of the year (154.6)

Ugh.  The past two weeks have not been fun.  And I'm sorry to complain but this is where my brain download happens.  No one in real life wants to hear it (although I do share with my mom & my sponsor and to some extent my husband); no one in blog life wants to read it either, so feel free to stop reading any time.  :)

SAD is at it's worst.  Even though I'm using my SAD light, I still feel the effects this time of year.

Christmas "afters" at their worst.  I still need to take down the Christmas stuff.  We have been busy every weekend since Christmas and I haven't had time or energy. We are very busy this weekend, too, but I have tonight & tomorrow morning to myself (Sophie at Honor's Choir, Luke at my mom's) so I get to spend 4 hours putting it all away (probably by myself unless Mark helps with boxing the ornaments). 

Unpredictable weather.  I couldn't run outside in the snow, and I avoid the treadmill as much as possible.  So my running has been nearly nonexistent. I had one run outside with snow on the ground but roads clear and it was lovely.  But then the rain came & I've done nothing.  I'm planning to run this afternoon if I have time & energy.

I had mid cycle hormone issues last weekend & felt like I was moving through mud.  Lasted the whole weekend.  I also had a bad headache Sunday morning & skipped church, which I rarely do since I teach Sunday school & sing in choir.  Just was a bad weekend.

Mark's back pain has spiked again.  It is pretty scary on days like this.  He's trying to power through but it's nearly impossible for him to concentrate at work when it's this bad.  I hate seeing him in pain.  I hate fearing that it's never going to get better.  I hate the anxiety of wondering what will happen to us if he can't work or if he just gives up.  Chronic pain sufferers like Mark just do not have good solutions. 

January is busy. Kids are in the school's variety show, and I am in charge of both their groups. It took a lot of time to put the music together.  There were three parent meetings.  We have Sunday afternoon rehearsals all month, weekly night-time rehearsals one week, and blocking/dress rehearsal nights the week before the show. Sophie has to be at school 2x a week at 7 am & Luke once a week at 7:30 am for finale rehearsals, which means early mornings & driving them to school.   It's a lot of work.

But it is a lot of fun. I am making memories for my kids--and a dozen other kids--that they will enjoy the rest of their lives. I do not regret taking this on. It's just a lot and I have to acknowledge it and then figure out how to best navigate the time required.

Sophie is in the school district's Honor's Choir this weekend.  They spend today from 3 - 9 rehearsing, and tomorrow from 8:45 - 3ish rehearsing, concert at 4.  Kids are split into elementary, middle, and high school.  They bring in a guest conductor for the HS kids.  Each group learns 5-6 pieces, which are broken into parts (alto, soprano, etc).  Sophie was soprano 2 last year; she is soprano 1 this year.  She will be exhausted but she loves performing.  A couple of her friends are also going. Only 8 kids were selected from her school (hence, the "honor" :).

Through all this, though, I am not eating my way through it.  Today is day 99 of abstinence. 

I am thankful beyond words that I don't have to add all the misery associated with overeating sugar to my load.

Monday was my first OA meeting since before the holiday (didn't go Christmas or NY Eve).  It was like coming home.  After the meeting I talked with Mark about his back pain (he was at a very low point) and I shocked myself with my patience and understanding. 

I often have no emotional capacity to be the support he needs when it gets this bad; I just want him to make himself better and start being normal again.  And while this is unreasonable and illogical, it is how I often feel.  If you've dealt with someone with a chronic condition, you might understand what I'm talking about. 

The OA program is helping me not just with food addiction, but also with spiritual and emotional issues that impact other people in my life. 

OK, that's all the time I have to whine. I am very unmotivated today but have tons to do.  I am getting acupuncture today at 11, so hopefully that will renew my energy reserves. 

Happy weekend to you all.

Think before (155.4)

I don't like New Year's resolutions.  I really hate January and February--it's when my SAD is at its worst and I'm just ready for Spring by the time the holidays are over.  So this time of year is not when I feel spunky or motivated.  I do well just to survive until the sun and warmth return.

I have not felt great the past two weeks--not horrible, but I've had days when the moving-through-mud feelings have reappeared.  I think it has a lot to do with not being at work in front of my SAD light for 5 days in a row, when we were off for Christmas (it's bulky and fragile, and I didn't want to bring it home, but now I think that was a mistake which I won't repeat next year). 

I didn't run enough in December, either.  Running makes me feel better and think more positively.  When I only run once a week or not at all, which is what happened for 3 out of 4 weeks in December, I miss out on endorphins and the mental health benefits of exercise.  It's a chicken/egg thing--I feel sluggish, so I don't run, which makes me feel more sluggish.  A body at rest... a body in motion.

While I don't do resolutions, I still think about how 2013 can be different from last year. 

A few weeks ago I was struck by the idea of "think before."  I tend to have no filter when I speak, which can often be a bad thing.  I also tend to act impulsively at times (or, act not at all when I'm moving through mud). 

And because I often feel insecure about who I am, I tend to make my opinions known to others so I look more important or more accomplished or like an expert.

I've gotten a little better about this because of my therapy sessions last year.  I stopped trying to fix my mom and sister and stopped giving parenting advice to my friend Debra.  Keeping my mouth shut has helped my relationships and helped my state of mind.  I don't feel like it's my responsibility to fix anyone else's problems, and I hope that they feel like they can talk to me without me beating them up in the process.

But I still talk too much and too quickly and too judgementally, especially when it comes to my husband and my kids.  And myself. 

So I'm working on asking questions more, taking a breath before I answer.  Looking for the question behind the question. 

This is really hard.  And I have so much work to do to get there. 

I also don't think of other people enough.  I get so wrapped up in my needs and my problems, that I don't put myself in the other person's shoes.  I need to be more empathetic, especially (again) with my kids and husband. 

Think Before also applies to everything I put in my mouth.  Everything I buy.  Everything I read or watch on TV.  I am on autopilot much of my life, and I default to the easy choice.  Which, I suppose, is natural and part of how we've evolved to be able to deal with all that life throws at us.

But I'd like to live more deliberately and not be swept along under the influence of (bad) habits.

This is also very hard. 

I am lazy.  I like to sleep late, and I like to stay up late and read or watch TV to escape the day.  Finding the energy to be proactive and productive beyond the daily necessities of taking care of a family and working a semi-full time job can be a monumental effort.

The first step to change is thinking about it.  So I'm thinking and writing about it.  And hoping these ideas will manifest themselves through small, deliberate changes. 

I only lost 2 pounds in the past 30 days.  Now, I realize that I am WAY ahead of the game as compared to the average American who gains weight in December.  So I'm not complaining.  I know why my weight loss declined (I have been losing 4-5 pounds a month since starting OA--total of 20 pounds so far).  I had a Starbucks latte 4 or 5 times a week (an extra 350 calories each, while that's not a lot of extra calories, it is clearly enough to stop/slow weight loss).  I didn't eat enough home cooked meals.  I ate out a lot.  I ate dinner too late many nights.  I only ran five times.  I didn't get enough sleep and stayed up too late most nights of Christmas break. 

These are behaviors that will (mostly) naturally resolve themselves this month. 

I do have to consciously limit the number of times I go to Starbucks.  It has become a bad habit, an expensive habit; I went through this last year, and I know I can stop myself.  I just have to recognize it and limit myself.  The plan is to put $20 in an envelope for my monthly Starbucks allowance.  Just have to stick to it.

Training for the half marathon at the end of February increases now, and I can't do long runs well on weekends if I'm not running during the week.  So I have to run regularly if I want to succeed at the level I am shooting for.

Eating out at restaurants will slow down.  I have to be more deliberate about meal prep at home, too.  This is simple stuff, but once I'm out of the habit it takes effort to get back into it. 

I also haven't been doing my OA work, which I will begin again as part of deliberate changes to improve living my life with intention.

Even resolution-hating me acknowledges that it's a time to reflect and seek improvements in my life.

The best gift (155.8)

The best gift I received this year was abstinence.

I had no problem resisting desserts at my mom's or not eating sugar cookies that Sophie & I made on Christmas day (she likes to decorate more than eat... I think she's had 3 since Tuesday).

Funny story...  When we arrived at  my mom's on Christmas eve, I went straight to the kitchen to toss my salad.   Everyone had already started eating.  My sister came up to me and held a fork up to my mouth with a small bite of food.  I didn't pay any attention to it and I really couldn't see it that well since it was so close to my face & I have "old eyes" now that can't see that up close. 

I assumed it was dinner food, since everyone had just started eating--so I just took the bite. 

It was chocolate pie! 

Chocolate pie is THE dessert for me at my family's gatherings.  I loved it when I was a little kid and loved it as an adult.  I'd eat slice after slice, usually 2 slices after dinner and 2 slices a couple hours later.  Crystal made the pies this year, and she's a "food is love" person. 

As soon as I tasted the chocolate, I panicked and spit it out in the sink.  I'm pretty sure she knew I wasn't eating sugar, but I think she probably just forgot or didn't realize what I'm doing now with my food. It's not like I talk about it around her.  She's very overweight and very unhealthy and has no interest in me getting thinner.  

But after I spit it out and said I can't eat dessert, she said "you're weird.  You can't even have one bite?"  I said no, I wish I could have just one bite, but I can't stop at one bite.  She said "you're weird" again and let it drop. 

No one else even noticed when I didn't eat dessert.  I didn't notice that I didn't eat dessert.  There were too many other things going on with the kids and family conversations.  The food just didn't matter. 

I had a small serving of chicken and dumplins and a huge portion of my salad (it was the only green thing there). I skipped the rest of the food--chili, potato soup, rolls, ham, cheese slices. I was perfectly content and full enough.

Christmas day was just us four.  It was lovely.  The kids had a great Christmas and were happy campers.  I went for a five mile run that afternoon, which was another great gift I gave myself.

Yesterday was not so easy.  I kept myself busy with laundry and reading and movies.  I shoveled the drive way, which took about half an hour and was a butt load of work (I'm sore today in my back and arms and shoulders). 

I went outside with the kids and Mark and built a snowman. I rarely play in the snow with them.  I don't have snow pants, I don't like being cold and wet, and I usually crave the alone time.  But not this year.  This year I wanted to be with my kids and wanted to LIVE and not just exist.  It was fun.

But we were basically couped up for two days in a row, and I got a little stir crazy.  I did OK with food all day, but had a couple handfuls of peanuts around 8:30 pm.  Peanuts make me retain water (these are unsalted, unroasted, but there must be something in them that messes with my body).  I ate them because I wanted a snack and they don't trigger cravings for me.

But I still ate them out of boredom.   And out of the post-Christmas melancholy that set in after the snowman building.  It was a big AFTER.  And I think not being in front of my SAD light for 5 days caught up with me (it's at work). 

The peanuts were not the end of the world.  I'm aware of it. I need to start paying attention and redirect when it happens again.

Today I'm working a half day, then going grocery shopping and making au gratin potatoes for dinner with Mark's family tonight.  I am glad to get out of the house. 

And I'm ready for spring.  We've had Christmas. We had a good snow.  I hate January and February.  They are like one big AFTER.  Recouping from November and December.  Waiting for Spring.  Waiting for the sun.

I'm glad I have the half marathon at the end of February to keep me running and have something to look forward to. 

The week of restaurant eating (154.8)

So I've been to more restaurants this week than I have in ages. 

Lunch on Sunday (Mexican) after church with my family (Sophie sang a solo at church and my parents & Mark's cousin came to see her, and so we all went out afterwards).

Lunch on Tuesday for business.

Dinner on Wednesday with girlfriends for a birthday party.

Lunch on Thursday with my sponsor.

Lunch today for our office Christmas party.

I'm truly, utterly amazed my weight hasn't gone off the charts. 

It was up a pound yesterday, after the Japanese hibachi dinner.  I had the veggies (no meat) with 1/2 portion of fried rice (a half portion is a really full portion--the quantity they serve is ridiculous), a small salad and about 1/3 of miso soup.  There is a lot of sodium in this type of food.  I didn't overeat--I only ate the broccoli and zucchini from the veggies (I don't like mushrooms or large onions).  And I left feeling full but comfortable.  I usually get chicken when we eat hibachi, but I am always already full by the time the meat is ready, and I feel better not eating meat on a regular basis. 

I am drinking lots of water, keeping my other meals small(ish).  I haven't run once this week--because I've have had zero energy, I think due to the low pressure systems, hormones, and seasonal affective disorder popping up. Even though I'm using my SAD light in the mornings and had acupuncture a week ago, I think I still may have some issues with SAD, but nowhere near as bad as in the past. 

I went to Sears last night before choir to return some things, and ended up buying a pair of Levi's (on sale.  Also got two Land's End long sleeve tshirts for $10 each.  Sears is awesome).  I only have one pair of jeans that fit, and they are getting baggy and faded.  The new jeans are size 10s!  They have 1% spandex, which is all I could find and is OK with me, even though I'd prefer 100% cotton.  If there is more than 1%, the jeans don't hold in my behind tight enough.  Saddle bags look better if there is something holding them in place so they aren't all misshapen (ah, the story of my fat butt!  ha).  I always wear Assets under my dress pants and skirts (the high waisted kind so there's also no muffin top).  I love their black tights for this time of year. God Bless Sarah Blakely!

So I feel really good about how I look today. And the sun is shining and the high pressure system has arrived. My hormones have mostly run their course, so happiness abounds for the moment. 

Busy, busy, busy weekend.  Tomorrow is my long run (10 miles if I can swing it; I'll do at least 8).  I have all the kids' presents to wrap and three presents for a child we "adopted" for Christmas at church.  Mark will help with wrapping.  Kids are going to Grandmas for the day. Then Sunday is our Nicholson family dinner (another meal at a restaurant...I have no idea what I'm going eat.  It's at the Log Inn, and they only serve country style, carb & sugar laden, food-coma food.  I will probably eat before I go).  And then a going away party for our good friends who are moving to Iowa.

Then Monday is Christmas at my mom's and Christmas Eve service at church.  Thankfully Tuesday & Wednesday it is just us four and we have no commitments.  I'll be working Thursday and Friday, at least part of each day.

I doubt if I post again until next week.  So MERRY CHRISTMAS to you all! 

Cheese sticks & tater tots (155.0)

I had a really bad day yesterday.  It was cloudy, I was starting to feel sick (Luke fought off a virus this weekend & I was getting it), and I was extremely hormonal. 

It was a walking through mud, ready to cry at the drop of a hat, everything is wrong with my world kind of day.

I had lunch with a business contact and chose my food well, with no desires for food to comfort me.  It was a nice conversation but my heart wasn't in it and the extrovert interaction took a lot out of me.

Tuesdays are when the kids have acting class and I run 3 miles between 4-5 pm.  The sun came out & the temps came up to around 50 by 4 pm, but I had no ability to overcome the sludge feelings, so instead I chose to sit on the couch in the studio and play Words with Friends and catch up on Facebook.

After acting class, I drove to Sonic for mozzarella cheese sticks & tater tots.  These aren't sugar; they aren't (weren't) on my trigger food/binge list.  But I wanted them for emotional reasons and for comfort.

My sponsor said when you attach emotions to a food, it's time to look at that food and probably add it to the trigger food list. 

I had a handful of peanuts around 7 pm and a cup of decaf coffee, but that was it for the rest of the night.

I didn't binge. I didn't eat sugar.  But I deliberately ate foods that aren't good for me (oh, the fat & sodium count!).  And I ate them to comfort myself and to soothe my raging hormones.  I'm not beating myself up over it.  I'm learning a lesson.

After the kids went to bed, I started reading my OA book of stories from members on my kindle.  The chapter I was on was about defining abstinence.  OA defines abstinence as refraining from compulsive overeating.  OA does not define what compulsive overeating is.  Everyone gets to define their own abstinence and what compulsive overeating means for them.

The story that stood out to me was this: Abstinence is eating food to fuel my body.  Compulsive eating is feeding my disease.

It is possible to feed my disease even if I'm not eating sugar. I'm adding Sonic to my list of foods to stay away from.  I have an emotional attachment to that type of food, and so it will feed my disease if I let it in.

These kinds of days are going to happen, probably countless times over the rest of my life.  I still have a lot to learn about how to handle these feelings.  I feel like I've taken a small step to learn how to cope without food.

My work chair (154.8)

Last year when I was having problems with my left arm nerve damage and neck/shoulder pain and went to Physical Therapy, one of the things I did was get a new chair.  Along with other ergonomic changes, it fixed my problems. 

This chair is the best chair I've ever owned.  I've had very little stiff neck issues or anything else relating to sitting at a computer 7-8 hours a day.

I didn't realize how much the chair made a difference until I had to give it up.

I gave it to my husband and now I'm sitting in his old chair.  Within a couple of hours my neck and trapezius muscles are tense and hurting.  This is not good.

Mark has chronic back pain.  It's so serious that he had a radio frequency procedure a couple months ago to burn the nerve in his spine to stop the pain signals.  He's missed days and sometimes weeks of work because the pain has been so bad. 

Sitting is what aggravates his pain. 

He recently started using an exercise ball to sit on and it seemed to help.  I warned him that studies had shown those caused more harm than good when used for long periods of time, because your core muscles have to be super strong to support your lower back.  Well, he rarely listens or believes me when it comes to that kind of thing.  He had to figure it out himself.

When he did, he went back to sitting in his chair.  It's an old Herman Miller aeron chair.  It may have been a good chair 6 years ago, or it may not have been, but it's not good now, because as soon as he switched to it again, his back started hurting after sitting at work for a few hours.

Last week I told him to take mine and just try it and see if it helped. After only a few hours he said he felt much better.  It is a fabulous chair. 

After a few hours, I could tell I was no longer in my fabulous chair.

Here's the thing.  I'm willing to sacrifice short term because if Mark doesn't work, we don't make money.  I am not in the kind of pain he is in.  It's not that big  a deal for me (yet).   Mark is not happy about me hurting in any way, and while I did complain at first and told him I could tell a difference right away, I'm not going to make a big deal of it and make him feel bad.

I will eventually get the same chair when we can afford it again (it's $300 and we don't have that kind of extra money right now). 

In the mean time, I'm hoping my back and neck don't get too jacked up.  I'll never underestimate the power of a good chair again.

Is it amazing? And info on addiction (155.8)

Vickie asked "Is it absolutely amazing to you how easily your weight is coming off? Does it feel easy/quick to you?"

YES and YES.


It is also very humbling. I am working hard to view the quick loss as a GIFT and not something that *I* am doing. Part of the "I am powerless over food" idea. I am following a program, and the program is taking care of the weight.

I don't know if that's how it's supposed to be in OA or not, but it's helping to take my EGO out of the process.

Does that mean I have no responsibility? Absolutely not.

I am responsible for calling my sponsor if I'm struggling, and calling her on a regular basis just to check in. 

I am responsible for going to meetings. 

I am responsible for reading literature. 

I am responsible for writing and answering the 30 Questions (part of the OA process). 

I am responsible for physical activity.

I am responsible for not eating the foods on my binge list. 

I am responsible for eating 3 healthy meals a day.

Everything else is left up to God.

Long time OA members talk about relooking at their food when their weight starts to get wonky. I think that has to do with getting older and metabolism changing, or letting foods creep in that aren't triggers but might be a weight-gain issue. It's never, ever about being on a diet.

The first 15 minutes of a meeting is the same thing every time...several readings including the steps and traditions. One part says "many of us find that the obsession with food is lifted as a result of working the program." That is what has happened for me. I have had a brief longing for a treat when my family has had ice cream, but it has been fleeting and not a pull on me.

I know in my bones that it is also a result of not eating sugar/fat/flour foods, which for me are a drug. A sugar addicted brain has no shot at overcoming food obsession if it's being fed a continuous diet of sugar/flour/fat foods.

At my last appointment with my therapist, she talked to me about how addiction works.  How a person can be reasonable, in control, driven, motivated, conscientious, intelligent, thoughtful, and whatever other descriptors fit an emotionally healthy human being.

But when their addictive brain takes over, those things go out the window.

She said doctors have studied addicts' brains, and when the addiction area of the brain lights up--and it lights up like wild fire when the addictive substance is consumed--the other, rational, "emotionally healthy" part of the brain DOES NOT FUNCTION as it should. 

It doesn't stand a chance of contradicting the raging demon of the addiction.

I haven't read the studies, and I don't know the science.  But I know from my own experience that THIS explains why, when I'm in the sugar, I can't stop myself from eating more sugar.  The experience of walking into the kitchen and eating sugary foods and the whole time I'm thinking "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?! WHY CAN'T YOU STOP?!" 

Like I'm watching myself from outside my body, not in control and not able to regain control.

Utterly powerless.

That description of how the brain works also helps me accept that my sugar addiction is a disease that I am powerless over. And if I want to get better, make the disease not make me sicker, I have to stop feeding the disease.

It also explains why this feels so easy. 

I am not fighting the raging demon any longer. 

The addiction is always there.  That part of my brain didn't get cut out.  I can't feed it what it wants if I want the healthy part of my brain to stay in control.

I am still and will always be addicted to sugar, and I am still and will always be powerless over food. 

But I am not powerless.

I'm doing well (155.6)

Work & home are crazy busy right now, so here are the highlights.

*I ran 8 miles Saturday afternoon and they were glorious!  It was cool but not cold; rather damp actually, but not windy.  My time was 1:33:30, which is an average pace of 11:41.  For a long run, that's a great pace for me.  At least 2 minutes faster per mile than the half I ran in February.

*I ran 3 miles yesterday after work and they were great, too.  I am running at around 10:30-10:45, but can't keep that pace up for miles, so I take walk breaks.  That is the pace my body settles into and wants to run.  I don't fight it.  I just go with it and soon enough I'll be holding that pace for longer distances.

*Food is good, still abstinent.  The scale reflects that.

*Kids are wonderful.  They performed their short plays for their acting classes on Saturday.  Luke was wonderful!  It was his first time on stage, and he loved it.  He wasn't nervous, and he delivered his lines and stayed in character perfectly.  Sophie's part was smaller, but she was still fabulous.  She's been on stage so much, I can't even keep track.  Luke's play was the Rainbow Fish and Sophie's was the Lion King.

*Christmas--ugh.  I am so not ready.  I have been buying small gifts for the kids here & there, and have just stuck them in the closet.  I don't have a handle on how much I have for each of them yet--that's the weekend's project.  I'm hoping everything else I can buy online.  I don't want to think about how awful the stores will be this weekend. 

We have Christmas eve lunch at mom's house, then have church that night at 7 pm (I sing in the choir so I'll have to be there early--an also serves as an excuse to leave mom's at an early hour).  Christmas day we have NOTHING!  Just the four of us.  Since Mark's sister moved to Indy last year, we now have that day free.  Last year was so delightful...no stress, no where we had to go. 

We have two events on Sunday 12/23.  At 1 pm, our Nicholson family reunion is at an historic restaurant near us. This is the whole Nicholson clan. There were 10 kids in Mark's dad's family, and they have been getting together at Christmas for 50 or 60 years.  Probably about 100 people still come.  Then after that at 3 pm, we have a going away party for some of our close friends.  We have known them for 17 years, went to St. John with them in 2009, and Paula has been a rock for me when I've been at my lowest.  They are moving to Des Moines for his job.  I've been in denial that she is leaving.  It's going to be really hard.  Their families are still here, so I'm sure we'll see them a couple times a year. But it's going to be hard.

That's it for now.  I'm happy things are trucking along & hope they stay that way.

My son is sugar sensitive (157.4)

I've suspected that Luke has sugar issues for a while now.  But Sunday night we got solid confirmation.

We were at a church Advent dinner, and cake was for dessert.  Luke had a good-sized piece (chocolate with icing) and as soon as he was finished he wanted more.  I said no, of course.

We worked on an ornament project for about 20 minutes, and he was squirmy the whole time (he's squirmy a lot, so this wasn't necessarily out of the ordinary).  At 7:30, we left for home.

In the car, he was a total monster.  He & Sophie fought and by the time we got home, Luke was in a rage & had a total meltdown.  He went to his room and screamed and pitched a fit for about 10 minutes before we went in and talked to him and he got calmed down.

I knew as soon as he asked for a second piece of cake that he probably has the same issue I do with sugar.  The sugar rage afterwards just confirmed it.

I talked with him about it the next day.  I asked if he liked how he felt the night before, and he said no.  I said the cake was why it happened.  We talked about how he reacts to other junk food & sugar he eats, and he understood what I meant when I said his behavior changes after he eats sugar.

Luke is a very intelligent 7 year old. We talk about everything--including his ADHD, which he's taking medication for.  He asks questions and we give him truthful answers.  He knows I don't eat sugar anymore and why I don't eat sugar.

So this week we've limited the junk he eats.  It is helping his moods at night tremendously.

Enteman's Little Bites (which is basically cake) and chocolate granola bars are what he often snacks on when he wants a treat.  He's not eating cookies or ice cream or candy every night.

He ate a Z bar the other night (Cliff bars make these for kids--organic, lower sugar than candy, but still has around 14 grams of sugar), and within about 10 minutes he went from normal kid to -bouncing off the walls couldn't control his body- kid.  So Z bars (alone, without a source of protein) are now out.

He is getting peanuts for snacks now, and when he asks for something sugary I say no, you can have peanuts or a PB sandwich.  He's been ok with it so far.

He is very limited in what he can eat as far as fruits & veggies because of his oral allergy syndrome.  His mouth itches when he eats most fruits--apples, bananas, pitted fruits like peaches, melons--and veggies--celery and carrots.  Basically he will eat strawberries, grapes, and broccoli and that's it.

We also have to watch his milk intake.  He LOVES milk.  But more than one cup of milk at night and he has the same reaction as he does to cake--bounces off the walls and can't control his body.  I started limiting milk several weeks ago.

It's interesting that Sophie does not have this issue.  She's self-monitoring when it comes to sugar, and doesn't even like a lot of sugary foods (for example, she skipped the cake on Sunday night). 

He's a lucky kid, I think, that I am aware of this issue NOW while he's young and we can direct him to healthier choice for his brain and his body. 

As far as fruits and veggies go, he will either grow out of his allergy or we will have to start allergy shots when he's older.  We had him tested by an allergist the first part of this year; she told us the mouth itching thing is fairly common in kids that have tree allergies.  He's highly allergic to every single tree and grass they tested him for. Spring time is brutal for him.

Hopefully he won't develop a peanut allergy!  I will have to find other alternatives for him, too.

Hope you all have a great weekend.  8 mile long run on the training calendar.  Not sure when that's going to fit in, but it WILL get done.  I'll report back next week.

Feeling blessed and at peace--today (156.0)

So this place I'm in.  I haven't been here in a realllly long time. 

Feeling more comfortable about how I look and fit into clothes. 

Not being a slave to food. 

Able to handle difficult emotional situations without thinking of food as a solution. 

Able to run--really run, not just "wog." (Not that there's anything wrong with a wog--walk/jog--but when you know what it feels like to "run," you miss it when you can't and it's exciting when you can again.)

Not yelling at my kids or husband on a regular basis because I'm steeped in sugar anger.

Sleeping well and not eating at 2 am.

Waking up in the morning hungry and without a sugar hangover.

Keeping food in it's proper place--as fuel, not as a companion.


I am working hard on living in TODAY and not thinking about tomorrow or the future.  12 step programs teach "one day at a time." 

It's ridiculous and sometimes daunting to think I will never eat chocolate again.  And while that is a fact--if I want to stay abstinent--it is not my business to think of the "never agains."  All I have to worry about is today. 

The strength of the program I'm working is in my weakness.  I don't have to hold on with tight fists, trying to control my every action or reaction.  I can open my hands and be weak, and let God's strength carry me.

I know this might be a turn off to a lot of people.  But it's what works for me, and it's working better than anything I've done before.

***
Random book/music stuff.

I re-read the book Divergent.  If you liked the Hunger Games or Matched series, you will love this book (I like it better than The Hunger Games).  I rarely re-read anything.  But I was talking to Jen on FB about it, and decided I wanted to relive that story.  There is a second book, Insurgent, that I'm reading now.  Even though I know what happens (although I do not remember detail, so it's still enjoyable), I couldn't put it down last night.  The third book comes out late next year.  The author is in her early 20s.  I hope she gets a movie deal.  These would make excellent movies. 

I cannot stop listening to Mumford and Sons.  Seriously.  It's been a month and I have to listen to them every day.  Sometimes it's all I listen to.  I listen to them when I run.  I listen to them at work.  I listen to them in the car.  I listen to them when I get ready in the morning.  I know this is an addiction issue.  Mark & I talked about it.  It feels good, makes me feel good, and I want to hang on to that feeling all. the. time. 

I do listen to other music, too.  It's just that 90% of the time, it's M&S.

I'm not really worried about it.  I'm not hurting myself or anyone else.  It's just an oddity.  I've gone through periods similar to this with other bands--recently it's been Gotye, Muse, and Eminem (Spotify makes it really easy to listen to new music)--but not for this length of time.

I did this with Dave Matthews Band when I trained for my first half marathon.  I only listened to DMB while training, and it had a Pavlov's dog affect on me.  I'd listen to DMB when not running, and I'd want to run.  Same thing now.  I hear M&S and want to go running.  I want to go running so I can listen to M&S without distraction.  So that's actually not a bad thing at all.

Almost 60 days, and back to yoga (157.0)

After hitting a plateau for a couple of weeks, my weight has started to come down again.  This is consistent from what I've experienced in the past--go no where, then drop, then go nowhere again, then drop again. 

Monday will be 60 days of continual abstinence, and I'll get my 60 day chip (I've actually not eaten sugary trigger foods for 90 days, but the pizza incident caused me to start over my day count after 30 days).

It is SO much easier living my life this way!  Yes, I still occasionally struggle with wanting to comfort myself with food.  A few times I have overeaten foods that aren't on my trigger foods list.  But when I don't eat the sugar/fat/white flour combo, I don't crave it. 

I am retraining my brain to not eat after dinner, to eat only at meals, and to sit with uncomfortable emotions, or at least to work out those emotions with something other than food. 

I'm also approaching this from a place of surrender and powerlessness.  Living with open hands instead of clenched fists.  Open hands represent accepting the gifts being given to me and accepting what IS instead of struggling for something out of reach.  Clenched fists are the opposite: striving to control, holding on too tight, never having enough. 

I am soooo not perfect with any of this.  It's a learning process and I have to continually remind myself of these things.  Weekly meetings with people who have lived this way for years and talking with my sponsor a few times a week makes all the difference.

I am not doing my 30 questions or writing and reading like I should be.  That is an area I will be improving.
***
I didn't get to run Tuesday as planned, and by Wednesday night I was so wound up I was ready to pop.  Last night I didn't have choir practice, and I took advantage of the free time by going to a hot yoga class. 

I first ran 2 miles on the treadmill.  I can control my speed and usually do intervals on the TM.  I ran 10 min/mile for .25 or .2 miles several times.  I still ended up with an avg of 12 min/miles, because of my recovery walks.  But I love interval training because I like running fast & I know it's good for calorie burning and makes my cardio system stronger.

After my run I headed to the yoga studio.  I haven't taken a yoga class in forever--at least 6 weeks, maybe 2 months.  I was super excited. 

We had a wonderful instructor--the kind who walks around the room and tells you the little things that improve poses in ways you wouldn't expect.  Such as, in down dog, press your fingers to the floor so your second knuckles are pushing into the ground, and pull your hands toward each other, so your shoulders will go down your back and relax more.  It works. 

The poses we did led us to doing the Big Pose, bird of paradise.


We approached it from the floor.  I don't think I can fully explain how we did it, but I'll try.  We started in a lunge position, then got our arms in the bind, then scooted in our back foot, then lifted the front leg in the air.

Now, I did NOT get my leg straight and I did not get my back all the way straight.  My inner thighs are the least flexible part of my lower body.  But I did the bind, I did stand up without falling, and I did get my knee in the air.  And this was after 45 minutes of hard work.  I was only able to do it on one side.  By the time we got to the other side I was spent.  I also couldn't get into it from a standing position. I think I needed the bind to happen when I was stable on the ground, instead of trying to bind while balancing on one leg.

When she first showed us the pose, at the beginning of class, it bummed me out.  I thought "OMG there is no way I can do that.  Oh well, I'll just enjoy the rest of the class and it's no big deal.  I won't be the only one who can't." 

It is an amazing feeling to do something you never thought you could.

I felt smaller and looked smaller in the yoga mirrors.  My tank top is getting too big.  My hips don't look as deformed (they are still deformed, but not as bad, stupid saddle bags).  I'm starting to see light between my thighs when we are in forward bend.  My shoulders are starting to get definition.  My beloved collar bones--this is one of my favorite parts of my body, probably because I couldn't see them for over a decade--are coming to the surface more and more. 

And I felt strong.  Very strong.  I didn't have to rest once during the hour long class, and it was 100 degrees in there, which sometimes puts me on my butt at least a couple of times to catch my breath and rest. 

I also did something very brave in the gym.  I ran on the treadmill in my yoga pants & tank top--nothing covering my behind.  I am so self conscious about my back side (really, Laura? you are? you never talk about it, I had no idea :).  But I was hot in my baggy t-shirt after the first mile and I decided I didn't care what I looked like.  I just wanted to feel good while I ran.
***
Busy weekend.  Dinner with a client tonight, Christmas tree tomorrow, church Sunday morning and then advent dinner that night.  I'll be doing a long run of 4 or 5 miles and am going to try to do a yoga class tomorrow morning. 

I'm thankful I am in this place right now.  December is almost always something I dread.  This year, I'm working on being grateful and living with open hands instead.

***new profile pic
I started doing my hair differently, for the first time in years.  Trying to be more up to date.  I really like it and it's easier than using a straight iron all over.

Sharing my story at OA & Thanksgiving Afters (158.8)

Last night at my OA meeting I told my story. 

My group's meetings have a rotating format each week. 1) first Monday of each month is a discussion of the step that corresponds to that month (so next week, it's step 12).  2) Week 2 is a discussion based on a reading of the leader's choice. 3) Week 3 is another discussion based on someone's "short" story. 4) Week 4 is a "long" story, where the leader talks for 40-45 minutes.

So I gave my long story, starting from when my parents met at ages 12 & 18 thru today.  It was a broad painting of my childhood, middle school & high school years, and then my adulthood.  I made notes before I went so I could get my bearings on the dates and details, but I just talked and didn't read a script.  I'm a good speaker in front of a group. 

Plus, I feel completely comfortable sharing the details of my life with this group of friends & kindred spirits.

I choked up & cried a few times, because my story is often emotional and difficult to talk about--just like most people's stories.

It was nice afterwards to have several people tell me they could identify with a lot of what I said.

When I got home, I did feel some "after" feelings of anxiety, mostly because it was such an outpouring of difficult information, and just being in the spotlight for an hour.

I didn't eat over it.  I could have & felt the stirrings of "I need to stop these feelings so I should have a little something to soothe myself."  But I prayed and asked God to keep me abstinent.  I tucked the kids in to bed and went to bed myself. I read a chapter in my OA book & started reading another book on my Kindle, then fell asleep.

The "afters" of Thanksgiving did not drive me to food.  I think running on Thursday and Friday mornings helped, then I did my long run Sunday (6.5 miles).  Running helps me get through those "after" feelings A LOT.

I didn't want to run Sunday--I didn't feel good that morning & we skipped church (the kids were fried & Mark's brother was still with us, and the guys stayed up late every night).  But I ran anyway, because it was easier just to DO IT than to ruminate all day on not doing it.  And I'm so glad I did. It was a tough 6.5 miles, but I felt great afterwards. 

It wasn't an easy weekend, though.  Too much of no routine.  Too much being in the house.  Luke especially had a hard time without the structure.  Sophie had a dizzy spell Friday afternoon when the family went on a hike in a local park.  Luke & I didn't go, so Mark had to deal with her on the trail.  She was able to walk but it was hard for her to keep going and Mark had to hold her up.  He was pretty upset by it--worrying what he would do if she couldn't keep moving.  She's too big to carry (5'0 & 95 pounds).

We've found another trigger for her migraines.  When the weather changes, she cannot go outside & exert herself.  Same thing happened on Halloween night.  It had also happened a couple years ago when she went riding on a four wheeler with my step dad out in the woods, but I hadn't made the connection until the two episodes within a few weeks. 

Thankfully the maxalt she took when she got home got rid of the dizzies, and she was fine that night and the next day.

It's good to be back to the normal routine.

I have to plan out Christmas break, because even though it's shorter than normal--they are only off school from 12/24 - 1/2--I need to have them busy and structured or they will have a miserable break.  I can't just leave them with my mom, because too much of grandma's house is not good either.  I'm not sure yet what we are going to do.  I'm going to have to work part of the time, too. What do your family's do when you have a lot of time off but can't go anywhere out of town? 

I had a conversation about running with niece Kate's husband on Thanksgiving.  He's got hip and knee issues and had to stop running a while ago, and now is having trouble biking.  It reminded me how stinking blessed I am that my body is still cooperating with me. 

I ordered new running shoes after my long run Sunday, because I could tell my shoes are wearing out. My feet hurt around mile 4, more than they should have been.  It's worth every penny to keep my feet and legs supported so I can keep everything working the way it's supposed to. 

I'm not overdoing it running--just 3 runs a week.  I stretch for 5-10 minutes afterwards--stretching is one of my favorite things to do.  I still haven't worked in cross training, and doubt that I will have time or make time for anything else until the holiday is over.  I'm thankful I've got a race to train for so at least I'm moving on a regular basis.

Abstinent Thanksgiving (158.8)

I got through Thanksgiving with flying colors.

I ran 3 miles yesterday morning at 8.  It was a beautiful run and set the tone for the day.

I also talked to 3 OA members in the morning, which was yet another tool to keep me committed.

I wasn't stressed prepping the rest of the food. I had no problems choosing foods that were not triggers.  The only time I had an issue was when the pies started being served.  But I went to my bedroom and closed the door and watched TV for 45 minutes while everyone else had dessert, and I was just fine. 

I had decaf coffee and that was dessert for me.

I did no clean up--I told Mark that since I did everything to get things ready, he was in charge of clean up (he had help from other family members, too).  That helped a lot because it kept me away from the food after my meal was finished, and it also helped keep me from being exhausted or resentful

I weighed the same today as I weighed yesterday.  THAT is a success!!

This morning I met up with Kate & Travis and ran 3.5 miles.  It was my fastest 3 miles yet this year (I did sprints alternated with walking the last .5 miles).  I feel calm & happy & thrilled that food has no hold on me today.

Family just arrived for lunch, and I am feeling OK about it.

And Vickie, the cranberry sauce was the best & I got several compliments on it.

Happy Thanksgiving (159.2)

I had my therapy appointment today, and it was really great. Personal stuff I can't discuss here, but I can say that I always feel better & more focused & more positive after I talk with Julie.  I'm blessed to have her.

I'm ready for Thanksgiving.  Cooking cranberries tonight (thank you Vickie for the healthy recipe!) and peeling potatoes.  Tomorrow I will make 2 potato dishes--one with rich cheese and one vegan (guess which one I will eat? :)--and also will roast green beans and heat up the brown & serve rolls.  Family comes over at 4pm.

Mark's brother from Colorado is coming in late this afternoon, so I also have to get Luke's bed ready for him. Luke will sleep on the floor of our bedroom in a sleeping bag, which he'll love, bless his little 7 year old heart.

I'm hoping I can get through tomorrow and the weekend without stressing.  Right now I feel calm & cool.  The tables are set up, the food is bought, my plan is in place.  The plan is to get up early tomorrow and go for a run before it all starts.  And then run again on Friday morning with Kate & nephew Travis (from Colorado).

Speaking of running, I ran 3.5 miles yesterday.  My training plan calls for 30-45 minutes. I have gotten faster and can get 3 miles done in 36-37 minutes.  Since my weight hadn't moved from 160.6 for over 2 weeks, I decided to start doing 3.5 miles on my short runs.  Thankfully I saw a decline on the scale this morning.

OA tradition is to call and talk to (not call and leave a message, not text, but TALK TO) three OA members on Thanksgiving.  So that's also a priority tomorrow morning.

I hope you all have a blessed and peaceful day. I'm thankful for everyone of you who reads my blog.  Whether you comment or not, I know you're out there & I appreciate your positive thoughts & energy.

Locked out of the house (160.6)

I weighed 159.8 yesterday.  Basically 160, but it was nice to see the "5."

This is a long, drawn out story, but I need to get it out there so I can get past it.

I went for a run yesterday afternoon and when I got home, the front door was locked.  It is always open on the inside and we have to check the outside knob to make sure it's unlocked if we leave and want to get back in through that door. 

I thought I had left it unlocked when I left.  I'm rather OCD about it.  But either I missed it or someone locked it after I'd left.

I rang the doorbell to have the family let me back in.  Nobody came.  I rang it over & over & over.  Nobody came.  I went to the back yard & looked in the patio door.  It was locked & no one was in the family room.  I went back & rang the doorbell over and over.  Nobody came.

I run with my cell phone, so I called the home phone and Mark's phone, but no one answered.  I texted Mark; no response. 

It was a nice afternoon, and I figured Mark had taken the kids for ice cream or to the park and they'd be home soon, so I didn't freak out.  Just felt irritated, mostly at myself because I hadn't replaced the extra key I keep on the backside of the house. I'd given it to Mark's brother when he stayed with us in July,  and I have no idea what happened to it; either he kept it or I misplaced it.  Getting a key made is a pain, and I just hadn't gotten around to it.

Niece Kate called as I was starting to sweep off the deck (berries from the bradford pear tree were everywhere, and they are sticky and take a lot of time with the broom to get off the wood).  I spent about 30 minutes on the phone and on the deck. 

After I hung up with her, I texted Mark again.  I started to get really upset.  I had nothing else to do, so I worked on cleaning up the landscaping, then I went to the neighbor's house & borrowed a rake to get the maple tree leaves out of the front yard.  After almost an hour of being locked out, I got very upset and started crying. The anger and resentment was building inside me.

Then Luke walked out the front door.  I asked him where he'd been.  He said they were home. 

I went in the house, asking (yelling) what the heck was going on.  Why didn't they answer the door bell?  Why didn't they answer the phone?  Why weren't they worried that I had been gone--on foot--for two hours?

They were in our bedroom watching a movie with the sound turned up, and didn't hear the doorbell.  The home phone is in the front room only, and they couldn't hear it either.  Mark had turned off his cell phone at church and never turned it back on.

I asked why they weren't worried that I had been gone so long.  He said he saw me out the kitchen window on the deck sweeping and on the phone, and was disappointed I hadn't come in the house to tell them I was home but he figured I just wanted some more time to myself so he didn't bother me.

It was a giant, horrible cluster f***.

They had been enjoying each others' company and the movie and were taken completely off guard by the situation.  I was beside myself with anger and hurt.  They didn't feel like they deserved to be yelled at and I shouldn't be mad at them, and I couldn't believe they neglected me like they did.

The kids both said sorry and that they'd had asked about me a couple of times; Mark said sorry but he was mad that I was so upset.  He'd been working on laundry all day, helping me out.  He gets angry easily, and it usually takes time for him to see another person's point of view when he feels like he is being shamed or made to feel guilty when it's not his fault (we have a long history of this).

I had started the leaves and was determined to get them done.  I told them all to come outside and help.  The kids worked together (yes, it was like a kind of punishment); Mark held the trash bag while I stuffed leaves in.  He can't bend over repeatedly because of his back.  He just stood there, saying nothing. After a few minutes I asked if he had anything to say, if he was just going to keep his mouth shut the whole time he was out there.

He explained what happened again in detail, but still didn't see my side of it.  He asked me why I hadn't looked in the garage to see if the car was still there, or why I didn't look in the bedroom windows to see if they were inside.

It never occurred to me they were in the house.  He locked me out of the house a long time ago, when I was pregnant with Sophie.  I'd gone out through the garage to work in the backyard, he left to go somewhere and closed the garage, and I was stuck outside for a couple hours. 

So there was a precedent here.  And I have the memory of an elephant when it comes to being wronged. My first thought went to being left behind with no one home.

I started crying and telling Mark that I felt abandoned when no one was there and no one answered the phone.  What if I'd been hit by a car and was in the hospital and they couldn't be reached?  What if Luke hadn't come outside looking for me--the kids both asked Mark where I was, and when Luke finally said he wanted to be with me, Mark said I was outside and to look in the yard--what if I'd been outside for another hour or more?  Would he bother to come and get me? 

The deep issue here is my fear of abandonment and having no one to rely on, which reinforces my need to do everything myself and depend on no one else.

I've talked to my therapist about this before. I have issues that are rooted in my childhood, and also in my relationship with Mark.  There have been many instances where I can't count on him, which I can't get into on my blog because they are too personal to share. 

But I've talked it over with my therapist and I understood immediately why I was so upset. 

I was abandoned and alone, and my fear that I can rely on no one but myself was painfully confirmed.

Thankfully I already have an appointment with my therapist for this Wednesday.  I made it after going through all the issues with Mark's back pain.  Now I'll have even more to talk about.

I felt better after I'd made him mostly understand where I was coming from. He still didn't really get it, but I wasn't steaming mad any longer. I didn't want to inflict any more pain on the kids and figured it was time to just stop being mad; it was pointless.  We finished the yard.  I went inside and was worthless the rest of the night. 

Cleaning up the outside was not on my agenda yesterday.  I haven't shopped for Thanksgiving at all.  Still haven't even made my list of what I need to buy (doing that this afternoon, hopefully).  But I was emotionally a wreck, took a xanax, and I was done for the night.

Mark went to a church meeting at 5.  When he got home, as per his usual behavior, he'd gotten some distance and time to think and he finally understood how awful it was to be in my shoes.  He said he was sorry.  He installed an app on his phone that somehow warns him to turn off vibrate & turn the ringer back on. 

I am getting keys made when I go to Walmart today or tomorrow.  I am never going through that again.

I did eat over it.  Not sugar, but I ate too much food for dinner and I ate a luna bar and blue corn chips (neither are on my binge list) at 10 pm when I was watching TV.  I don't feel like it's enough to blow my abstinence--it's a yellow light issue, not a red light.

This week is going to take a lot of surrendering for me to get through.  Making my therapist appointment was the best thing I could have done for myself.

I'm going to take time off from work tomorrow to get the tables set up for Thanksgiving and finish grocery shopping.  The carpets are getting cleaned today and I still need to clean the bathtub (Mark's brother is staying with us).  The laundry is all done, thanks to Mark.  The rest of the house is ready; I've been working on it for over a month.  So there's not that much to do other than food.

I'm going to OA tonight.  I will talk with OA members Thanksgiving morning.  I will run.  I will pray.  I will sleep.  I will not be perfect, and I will try really hard to be okay with not being perfect.

Most of all, I hope that I can squeeze in some peace and thankfulness in the middle of all the chaos.