Thursday, January 31, 2013

Still using food, even though it's not sugar (152.0)

It's been a very difficult week.  Not only is it busy with the kids' variety show Tuesday night, tonight, and Saturday, the crazy weather and my hormones have pushed me into a pit.

My food has not been clean this week. I do fine during the day.  At night, the Afters kick in and I am simply eating too much. 

Today is my 119 day of abstinence.  I've lost 23 pounds since I started going to OA meetings last September. I haven't had one bite of a sugar/flour/fat trigger food in those 119 days.

But, I have to be honest, I am still using food for comfort.

I didn't expect all my food issues to be switched OFF just because I'm in this program.

What I do expect is that if I don't WORK this program, I'm going to start having (more) problems with food.

I have been complacent and lazy.  I have been happy with my weight and delighted that the weight loss has been relatively easy.  80% of the time I eat what I need to eat.  It's the other 20% that is a concern.

Here's what last night looked like.

Long day at work.  Left at 4:30 and ran to the grocery store for a few things.  Picked up kids at 5.  Home by 5:15 (seriously, I can get almost anywhere in 10 minutes.  Love where I live).  Debated whether to get on the treadmill and do 3 miles.  Hate the treadmill + no reserve energy = no treadmill.

No run means guilt, and no endorphins to alleviate the pain of the changing weather and my moods. 

Changed into slouchy PJs.  Made dinner for me--curry couscous with carrots, celery, and tons of asparagus.  Yummy and filled me up.  But my icky feelings remained.

So ate a lemon luna bar with a cup of hot tea.  Watched mindless television while Mark & kids worked on Luke's zombie costume for the variety show.

Made the kids pizza for dinner.  Ate 2 small slices of their pizza.

Helped Luke with homework.  Watched more mindless TV.  Beat myself up for eating too much and not getting on the treadmill.

Ate a handful of peanuts. Ate a pretzel luna bar (yes, these are a problem. yes, there is sugar in them. no, they aren't on my binge list.  but are a concern that I can't ignore any longer) and had another cup of hot tea.

Felt really guilty because I ate that second luna bar. Recognized my insanity.  Said a prayer for help.

Helped kids get ready for bed.  Then watched "Our Idiot Brother" until 10:30.  Fell asleep on couch.  Moved to bed around 1:30 am.

Woke up this morning expecting a big gain on the scale. Instead it's a loss. Thankful but aware that a loss doesn't mean I got away with anything.

The main problem I'm facing is that working the OA program means mental energy focused on reading and writing and talking with people on the phone.  After a day at work, after an evening with kids, I resort to comforting my Afters with unhealthy and unproductive things like TV or fluff books. 

I haven't made the shift to taking care of myself using the tools I've been given through OA.  Instead I'm still using my "escape" tools.  It doesn't include binge foods, but the escape isn't getting me where I need to be.

And if I don't change my escapism ways, it's only a matter of time before I slip for real. 

I believe in rest, and I believe there are nights when I'm going to be completely unproductive.  But most of this winter has been one long escape for me.

It's the last day of January, and spring is coming soon.  I am writing about this and will talk to my sponsor about it.  I am not depressed and I am not failing.  I am aware and writing.  And I am asking my higher power to help me get through this.

Because clearly I can't do it on my own. 


jen said...

It seems like you are hiding from some difficult/uncomfortable feelings with food, mindless TV. Do you know what those feelings are (and I wouldn't expect you to record them here)?

Vickie said...

I realize you are having a hard time, but I TOTALLY remember (every other year) how hard this time of year is for you.

So the fact that you are not on runaway food train at night, And the fact that you can see what is happening and write it, is huge.

your guilt (over not getting on treadmill) that started the whole thought process - I understand that. I still have that same thing happen to me - if I am disappointed in an action or inaction, of myself, THAT is what is very hard for me.

How long does it take to run three miles on treadmill ?
30 minutes?

I can't tell you how often I don't wanna. But a whole lot of the time it is easier to suck it up for 30 rather than have those feelings for the rest of the night. Especially if you have a really hard time shaking those feelings off.

Jen might be right - there might be a big something.

But I think it is also possible that you simply avalanche yourself. Especially this time of year.