I had a really bad day yesterday. It was cloudy, I was starting to feel sick (Luke fought off a virus this weekend & I was getting it), and I was extremely hormonal.
It was a walking through mud, ready to cry at the drop of a hat, everything is wrong with my world kind of day.
I had lunch with a business contact and chose my food well, with no desires for food to comfort me. It was a nice conversation but my heart wasn't in it and the extrovert interaction took a lot out of me.
Tuesdays are when the kids have acting class and I run 3 miles between 4-5 pm. The sun came out & the temps came up to around 50 by 4 pm, but I had no ability to overcome the sludge feelings, so instead I chose to sit on the couch in the studio and play Words with Friends and catch up on Facebook.
After acting class, I drove to Sonic for mozzarella cheese sticks & tater tots. These aren't sugar; they aren't (weren't) on my trigger food/binge list. But I wanted them for emotional reasons and for comfort.
My sponsor said when you attach emotions to a food, it's time to look at that food and probably add it to the trigger food list.
I had a handful of peanuts around 7 pm and a cup of decaf coffee, but that was it for the rest of the night.
I didn't binge. I didn't eat sugar. But I deliberately ate foods that aren't good for me (oh, the fat & sodium count!). And I ate them to comfort myself and to soothe my raging hormones. I'm not beating myself up over it. I'm learning a lesson.
After the kids went to bed, I started reading my OA book of stories from members on my kindle. The chapter I was on was about defining abstinence. OA defines abstinence as refraining from compulsive overeating. OA does not define what compulsive overeating is. Everyone gets to define their own abstinence and what compulsive overeating means for them.
The story that stood out to me was this: Abstinence is eating food to fuel my body. Compulsive eating is feeding my disease.
It is possible to feed my disease even if I'm not eating sugar. I'm adding Sonic to my list of foods to stay away from. I have an emotional attachment to that type of food, and so it will feed my disease if I let it in.
These kinds of days are going to happen, probably countless times over the rest of my life. I still have a lot to learn about how to handle these feelings. I feel like I've taken a small step to learn how to cope without food.