Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Feeling blessed and at peace--today (156.0)

So this place I'm in.  I haven't been here in a realllly long time. 

Feeling more comfortable about how I look and fit into clothes. 

Not being a slave to food. 

Able to handle difficult emotional situations without thinking of food as a solution. 

Able to run--really run, not just "wog." (Not that there's anything wrong with a wog--walk/jog--but when you know what it feels like to "run," you miss it when you can't and it's exciting when you can again.)

Not yelling at my kids or husband on a regular basis because I'm steeped in sugar anger.

Sleeping well and not eating at 2 am.

Waking up in the morning hungry and without a sugar hangover.

Keeping food in it's proper place--as fuel, not as a companion.

I am working hard on living in TODAY and not thinking about tomorrow or the future.  12 step programs teach "one day at a time." 

It's ridiculous and sometimes daunting to think I will never eat chocolate again.  And while that is a fact--if I want to stay abstinent--it is not my business to think of the "never agains."  All I have to worry about is today. 

The strength of the program I'm working is in my weakness.  I don't have to hold on with tight fists, trying to control my every action or reaction.  I can open my hands and be weak, and let God's strength carry me.

I know this might be a turn off to a lot of people.  But it's what works for me, and it's working better than anything I've done before.

Random book/music stuff.

I re-read the book Divergent.  If you liked the Hunger Games or Matched series, you will love this book (I like it better than The Hunger Games).  I rarely re-read anything.  But I was talking to Jen on FB about it, and decided I wanted to relive that story.  There is a second book, Insurgent, that I'm reading now.  Even though I know what happens (although I do not remember detail, so it's still enjoyable), I couldn't put it down last night.  The third book comes out late next year.  The author is in her early 20s.  I hope she gets a movie deal.  These would make excellent movies. 

I cannot stop listening to Mumford and Sons.  Seriously.  It's been a month and I have to listen to them every day.  Sometimes it's all I listen to.  I listen to them when I run.  I listen to them at work.  I listen to them in the car.  I listen to them when I get ready in the morning.  I know this is an addiction issue.  Mark & I talked about it.  It feels good, makes me feel good, and I want to hang on to that feeling all. the. time. 

I do listen to other music, too.  It's just that 90% of the time, it's M&S.

I'm not really worried about it.  I'm not hurting myself or anyone else.  It's just an oddity.  I've gone through periods similar to this with other bands--recently it's been Gotye, Muse, and Eminem (Spotify makes it really easy to listen to new music)--but not for this length of time.

I did this with Dave Matthews Band when I trained for my first half marathon.  I only listened to DMB while training, and it had a Pavlov's dog affect on me.  I'd listen to DMB when not running, and I'd want to run.  Same thing now.  I hear M&S and want to go running.  I want to go running so I can listen to M&S without distraction.  So that's actually not a bad thing at all.


Laura N said...

Another very important tool that i started using last year--at the suggestion of my accupuncturist, who is also a psychiatrist--is light therapy. If it weren't for my Alaska Northern Lights light box (very important to get a good light with 10,000 lumens; otherwise you're wasting your time), I would be in sorry SAD shape. I can't overstate how much this SAD light helps me. I use it from September through March every morning (M-F, at work).

jen said...

I think I will get Divergent as a reward after I turn in my grades -- either from the library or the bookstore.

Jill said...

I wish I could hug you and have some of your peace rub off on me. I know you have worked really hard to get where you are now and honestly I am a little envious. I so, so, so wish for that place you are in right now.

At first I didn't like M&S but they have grown on me. I get my fill of them listening to the Florence & the Machine channel on Pandora. I use music to get me through my day almost as much as I use food! :)


Laura N said...

I understand envy. When I was in my darkest times, it was difficult to read about other people's success. I stopped reading the "good" blogs (really, almost all blogs), and I got angry when I'd read facebook statuses about how fabulous people's lives were. I have toned down my "I'm so great & happy and all is well!" FB statuses because I don't want other people to feel the way I did (plus, the "Christmas letter" versions of people's lives are often just plain obnoxious). I use my blog to celebrate those things now. But I understand it's hard to read this stuff when you feel so far removed from it.

I do appreciate your love & support!

Hils said...

I'm going through a very tough time in my personal life right now, and it's true that sometimes FB feels like a slap in the face. But I have to say, I don't feel sad/bitter reading of your peacefulness. It gives me a lot of hope, more than anything else. Even though I don't know you, I am so very glad for you.

Hils said...

P.S. My fiance and I both really enjoyed Divergent, too :). Just got Insurgent from the library.

Vickie said...

I sent a note to middle with those two titles to see if she has read them. (she is the kid that read Hunger books as they were published and could not get any of her friends to read them then).

I don't feel self conscious about what I write now, because those posts are sitting on a very large foundation of struggling posts. Very large foundation.

I identify with feeling at peace.

I am in the midst of East of Eden right now and Lee (Chinese servant) talks about Chinese wise men thinking of happiness as contentment. My EVEN-ness I suppose.

I used to think of (worry about) the routines being on the edge of OCD. And I do not now. I am not washing my hands 24 times with a new bar of soap each time. My breakfast and my exercise and my night time rituals are my foundation. My migraine/inner ear guy talked to me about the importance of not making drastic changes, of yes sticking to my routines as much as my psychiatrist does.

There is a lot to be said of simplification. And that is how I think of the food. I have simplified my food so that I don't have to deal with numbers and I am not fighting it. I think of your abstinence the same way. Our food is probably very similar.

Vickie said...

Neither one of my girls had heard of those books. Got both of them from library, youngest is reading and then middle will be home in a week and a day. Will be good project to occupy her. She is happiest when busy. I am lining up projects so she transitions easily from busy-ness of college.

Laura N said...

Glad they have new books to read. I hope they enjoy them.

Divergent is going to be made into a movie in 2014, according to IMBD. Super excited about that.