If you can't say something nice

Sometimes it's easier to just be quiet in blog land when things aren't going well in real life.

So I haven't got much to say.

Mark is still sick. I'm still stressed.

Life keeps throwing me daily curve balls.

I'm still waiting for a break.

My kids are healthy. I'm healthy. I supposed that's as much break as I'm going to get right now, & I ought to be thankful for it.

The highlight of my week has been The Biggest Loser premier, which was wonderful (even though teary). I'm really looking forward to this season. I hope it provides some inspiration so I can kick myself in the (getting bigger every day) behind.

Seriously, I looked at myself in the mirror this morning & thought "I'm no longer an after. I'm a before."

So see? I just better shut my bloggy mouth right there.

Better to say nothing at all.

Surviving not thriving

God Bless Vickie for keeping us all accountable.

I survived the weekend, but I did not thrive.

Indeed, it was horrible.

And I just wrote a terribly depressing, long drawn out post that I decided you do NOT need to read. Shit, I lived through it once. You all don't need to re-live my misery vicariously.

At least not today.

The net net is this:

My husband is sick with the flu and an upper respiratory infection and severe back pain, and has been for over a week.

My daughter is sick today, not terribly and I don't think it's the flu (yet anyway) but she's at the office and not in school (she is easy as pie to deal with, so the only issue is she's missing school). My son so far is OK but has a croupy cough that I hope doesn't worsen. No symptoms from me yet.

There's a crazy amount of stress still in our lives and the illness & incapacity is just about more than I can handle.

Add to that no running, the strong probability that I am bailing on my half marathon, and the sad fact that I'm back in the sugar after one blessed day of not being in the sugar, and there you have it.

I have reached my limit and I need a break. I don't know how, I don't know from where, and I don't know when, but a break is without a doubt what I need.

So I'm praying for a break. I just hope I'm not so covered over that I can recognize it when I see it.

Revelations

I read more of Potatoes Not Prozac last night. I'm still on Step 1 (Breakfast) but I'm reading the rest of the book to get an idea of what lies ahead & to gain a better understanding of how sugar sensitivity affects my brain & body.

All I can say is....wow. Page after page of AHA! moments. I've never read anything that has so clearly expressed the WHY's of my relationship with sugar.

It's very freeing.

I am starting to get the sense that the way that I am is not my fault. And I am not doing the "Oh poor me, I will always be fat and there's nothing I can do about it" thing. I am realizing that my brain is wired differently than most people. (I'm sure there are many in my family who would agree with this statement who have no idea I'm sugar sensitive. But I digress.)

Think about how alcoholics manage their disease. Their brains aren't geared like non-alcoholics. Well, sugar sensitive people's brains are wired very similarly to alcoholics.

No one says to an alcoholic, if you just had more willpower you could drink once in a while. No one says to an alcoholic, it's all your fault that you are this way, you brought it on yourself. No one says to an alcoholic, a little bit won't hurt you, go ahead, have a drink.

Dropping sugar completely is the next to last step in this 7 step process. I'm no where near ready to eliminate sugar from my life. I'm laying the groundwork, which will likely take months & months. There are anecdotes in the book where people spend 3 months on step 1. The process is very personal. There are no set time frames. The only rule is that you master each step before moving on to the next.

But I've cheated a little. I wanted to see what it would be like to eat 3 meals with proteins & complex carbs and then have a potato before bed. That's what I did yesterday. And I have to say, it was pretty cool. I didn't have cravings really. I had 3 cookies with dinner last night (Chips Ahoy reduced fat, 140 calories)--but WITH dinner, not at 10 p.m. (that's part of the plan--during step 3 you can still eat your sugary foods, but they have to be with a meal). And I had a potato at 9 p.m. while watching football.

I slept well but had the craziest dreams.

The author mentions this--if you are low on serotonin and you start the 3 protein meals/potato at night routine, you may have very vivid dreams. My dreams last night confirm the low serotonin issue I have, which is awesome. I feel like I'm finally on the right track of figuring out how to live a balanced life.

Hopefully weight loss will be a nice side affect. It's definitely not the driving force here. But I did weigh 156.6, almost a pound loss from 2 days ago.

I can't wait to share more with you. And if you crave sugar and carbs and are struggling with mood/depression issues, I'd encourage you to buy the book (get the new edition). It's really worthwhile, and not just another diet book.

I didn't eat last night

I also didn't run, but that's another story.

I've been back to the night eating habit for a few weeks, since I fell off the wagon. I know this habit is a result of my brain & body wanting more happy brain chemicals. And to a very large extent, I can't control it. Any of you who have gone through the "I just can't stop myself" knows what I'm talking about.

What I can control much better is what I eat during the day time hours. And so, for a little over a week I've been following the Potatoes Not Prozac first step of eating breakfast. I've not been perfect. One morning I didn't eat protein. Another morning it was 90 minutes after I woke up before I ate breakfast (I did have my coffee with 15 minutes, though...go figure).

It's not as easy as it looks, this eating breakfast as prescribed in the book. But I think it may have made a difference last night. I don't have any other explanation for my ability to FIGHT the cravings at bedtime yesterday. The cravings were still there, but they weren't impossible to overcome.

I overcame them. I ate nothing after 9 p.m. This is a huge deal.

It's also a very small step in the very large recovery that I need to go through. But at least it's a step forward.

The running? Not so good on that front. My last post was the last time I ran. The weekend was filled with kids and family & no time for me to spend on me. Monday I was going to go on a long run, and Mark came down with the flu. I couldn't leave the kids with him. Yesterday he was sick so I worked late at the office. I still can't do early morning workouts and I can't make myself go out or put in a DVD at 9 p.m. at night after the kids are in bed. Once I'm in my comfy clothes when I get home from work, I'm done.

Frankly, I'm so mentally tired that I can't summon the seemingly extraordinary measures it would take to move my body beyond the bare minimum requirements.

My half marathon in October is in jeopardy. If I can't get in at least a few runs a week over the next month, I'll scrap it completely. If I can, then I'll likely do the race but will have no time goals and will likely have to walk a good part of it. I really don't want to be a DNS (did not start). I've never bailed on a race. This might be my first.

My life is mentally exhausting right now. I've got no extra energy reserves for weight loss or fitness.

It's been 2 years this month since I hit 155 pounds. I weighed 157.4 this morning, so I'm still maintaining but I'm on dangerous ground.

I will be okay. I'm not eating powdered sugar donuts or Ben & Jerry's. I'm working a plan, even though it's a very simple, slow plan.

Simple & slow may be the only thing I can do right now.

It's better than nothing.

I ran! I ran!

4 miles last night. Avg: 11:30/mile

That is all.

Happy 3 day weekend!

Off Topic - Engagement Story

Casablanca was on TCM last night. Have I shared my engagement story with you all? I've been doing this blog for what, 3 years? I'm guessing I have, so if you've heard this before forgive me. If you haven't, enjoy my little engagement story. It's pretty special. We've been married for 14 years so it helps to remember our beginnings.

Cue the flashback music......

Mark & I met in June 1993. I was 23 & he was 31. We dated for about 2 months, I was falling head over heels for him, & one night he told me “if you want to get married you need to find someone else, because I’m never getting married.”

I broke up with him the next day on the phone, then spent 3 hours crying, then called him back & said I didn’t want to break up. He said “this isn’t high school, Laura” & that was that. We were apart for about a week, he went on a date I think (I pined away meanwhile), and then he called me & asked me to lunch. He said I was messing with his work, he couldn’t concentrate at all, & we could try it again but with no promises. Stupid, 23 year old me said OK!

But 14 months after we met, on his birthday July 31, 1994, he proposed. I had NO IDEA. We’d gone to his niece’s wedding in New Harmony (a small idyllic town in Indiana) that May, and had shared a room (we were in love, just no plans for marriage) & had talked about how we’d never be able to top her wedding because it was so special. But we never said, “when we get married it will be such and such.” We never talked about getting married. It just wasn't on the table.

So on July 31st I had taken him to New Harmony for his birthday present to see a play (The Fantastics, which is a musical actually) and spend the night at the Inn. He brought a couple movies with us since movies were our thing. After the play we went back to the room & he put in Casablanca. About 45 minutes into the movie (have you seen it?) when Bogart says “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine,” it flashes to Mark saying those famous lines instead of Bogart. He had a friend help him film the scene, had it digitized in B&W and added to the VHS tape.

Mark added these lines, in his best Bogart voice: “Well there’s no use fightin’ it, see. It’s preordained. In the cards. You & me kid, we go together like pork chops & applesauce. So what do ya say, schweetheart? Laura, will you marry me?” And then the movie just cuts back to Bogart & Sam in the bar like nothing has happened. I was frozen in time—completely shocked. I said, “Really? Do you mean it? Are you sure?” It was so surreal that I didn’t believe he was actually proposing until I saw he had a ring, too. Obviously I said yes & the rest is history.

Yep, it was a pretty amazing way to start an engagement.

Our VCR is broken, & last night's movie reminded me I need to get the tape copied to a DVD. It will be fun to show it to the kids.

Knowing is not the same as Doing

Isn't this the crux of all our weight loss problems?

We KNOW what to do. It's the DOING that can be so difficult.

My brain if filled with knowledge. Overfilled, I'd say. I love to read and research and pull data together in my head. I'll over analyze a problem to death. I've bought more books and bookmarked more websites on health, running, parenting, and ADHD than I'll ever be able to do anything with.

The latest book in my arsenal is filled with new information (for me) on biochemistry. It's not new information on the basics of nutrition. I know to eat a good breakfast of protein & complex carbs. I know to not eat junk food at 11 p.m. at night. I know to workout 3-5 times a week. I know to get a good night's sleep.

I know. But I don't always do.

The brain chemistry information in Potatoes Not Prozac is fascinating. Did you know that when you don't eat breakfast, your brain releases a chemical called beta endorphin? Beta endorphin is the same chemical that's released on my long runs & is responsible for my craved-for runner's high. You can read more about it on the author's website, here.

Beta endorphin is released when you don't eat breakfast because your brain thinks you are in starvation mode & it wants to protect you. So you feel sort of high for a while when you don't eat breakfast. Pair that with a cup of coffee with cream & sugar (or a Red Bull) and you have an even bigger hit of beta endorphin, because sugar causes it to be released, too.

Is it any wonder I wake up, drink my coffee, get the girl on the school bus, get ready for work, get the boy to day care, and finally arrive at work without putting a bite of food in my mouth? I've conditioned my brain to want that feel good chemical every morning. And I do feel great most mornings when I don't eat breakfast.

When I'm doing a Diet Plan, I eat a good breakfast. It's part of the plan, so I do it.

But when I'm Off the Wagon, I go back to the old habits, which includes skipping a solid meal in the morning. I'll have my coffee, maybe a couple of low fat cheese sticks in the car, and then I'll have a good lunch, a mid afternoon snack, a fairly healthy dinner, then all hell breaks loose as I consume sugar & alcohol so those beta endorphins can wash over my brain before I fall asleep.

I've never read about beta endorphins before this book. There's a lot more to it, too. I'll share more about WHY it's so easy to fall off the wagon after a couple weeks of being "good" on a plan. She explains that, as well.

So. I'm working this first step, which, like I said yesterday, is simple but not easy. It's work, and it's not what my messed up addicted little brain wants. But I'm doing it anyway.

Day 2. Breakfast. Done.
***
BTW, I need breakfast ideas. I've done eggs & egg whites & Ezekial toast & turkey bacon. Two days in a row. I've got to get creative with the protein. So lay it on me if you've got some good combinations. 26 grams of protein is a lot, I'm finding.

BTW-2: The protein deal is figured thusly-- divide your weight in half, that's how many grams of protein you should have in a day. Divide that number in 3, & that's how much protein for each meal. So for me, that's 155 / 2 = 77.5 / 3 = 25.8 grams for breakfast. (She says you should not have more than 42 grams at any one meal, so for higher-weight people there is a limit that is outside the weight formula.)

Step 1: Breakfast

So I've been reading the new book for the past several days. It's been very enlightening. After all I've read on food and diets and also on depression, you'd think there'd be nothing new out there.

But, of course, there's always something new to learn.

I'll get into more of the science stuff when I have more time to chat. For now I'm going to skip straight to Chapter 6 "The First Step: Getting Started."

Are you ready? Here it is.

Eat breakfast.

That's it. Simple, right? But with most simple things, it's not easy.

There are, of course, some rules around breakfast eating. It's not like you can eat a bowl of Lucky Charms. The rules are these:
1) Have the right amount of protein for your weight (for me, that's about 26 grams)
2) Eat within an hour of getting up
3) Have a complex carbohydrate
4) Have breakfast every day.

#2 & #4 are going to be tough. Eating this type of breakfast means I have to get up early enough so I have time to make my food & eat it. In order to get up early enough I have to go to bed at night early enough. & in order to go to bed on time I have to be efficient and productive with my time at night.

I also have to not eat a bunch of junk food before bed, because the last thing I want when I wake up after a binge night is to eat a big breakfast.

And that, my friends, is the big freaking deal about this breakfast thing. I can't eat the crap I like to soothe myself with at night if I want to accomplish step #1 successfully.

When I was losing weight in 2007, what I found was key to success more than anything else was consistency. I might screw up once in a while, but more often than not I was consistent with my food plan. And I never quit. I kept moving forward every week.

The author of this book says that the key to her plan is to master each step before moving on to the next. Eating breakfast consistently will help set the stage for the body to heal itself.

She doesn't prescribe the number of successful days of eating breakfast and then you're ready to move onto step 2 (at least, I haven't read that yet....maybe she does & I'm just not there). But she's very clear that success on the plan is achieved more often when you master each and every step before moving on to the next.

I've got one successful breakfast day under my belt. This consistent breakfast thing is going to be interesting. Simple, but not easy.

***
Cooler weather at last! I got to run yesterday, about 40 minutes & a little over 3 miles. I'm still slower than molasses, but at least the temps are cooler & I'm enjoying the run more. I'm no where near close to my training plan for the Half on October 11. I still have time to get in my long runs, but not much. And my weekends are already filling up. So I'm not sure where I stand with that race. I'm really just going to do the best I can & let it go at that.

A review, a link, and a realization

POM WONDERFUL! Pomegranate juice is mighty tasty. Especially when it's free and comes in cute little baby bottles. I was thrilled to receive a case of POM from these good folks, and it was the first time I'd ever had 100% pomegranate juice. If you haven't tried it, go get some! It's delicious. And has many health benefits, too.

My husband drank most of the juice, since he's a known juice consoisseur & a wee bit greedy when it comes to cold wet things in the fridge. But, after I read about these health benefits, I've decided my husband can drink all the pomegranate juice he wants. Click the link & you'll know what I'm talking about.

Than you POM Wonderful for sharing your juice with me. You're a little pricey, but you're tasty. I'm sure you'll be finding your way into my shopping cart more often.

***
I started fretting about my 40th birthday before I even turned 39. Seriously, I set up a countdown on FaceBook in March 2009 entitled "Laura turns 40."

Being that I'm now only 228 days from the big 4-OH (I know it's 228 days thanks to the above mentioned countdown), I'm greedily inhaling any and all whiffs of hope that middle age isn't all that bad. This article about Amby Burfoot was one of those stories of hope. Sure, he's a Boston marathon winner, which makes him practically super human, but he's still human. So his "age defying mindset" tips are refreshing as spring rain. Even if you're not a runner, you might enjoy his point of view.

***
In case you were wondering, I've fallen off the Crack the Fat Loss Code wagon. It all started last Thursday, which was a Carb Up day that I never came Down from.

Yesterday I was logging my anxious & depressed mood into my "MOOD" excel spreadsheet (what would I do without my excel spreadsheets? I use them to track EVERYTHING). And I realized that my anxiety and depression ratcheted up on the day I started eating bad carbs. And just like my carbs haven't come back down, neither has my anxiety or depression. I've had a rough week and a half.

Now, even though this should not be an AHA! moment, being that I've been dealing with food and weight loss and depression for most of my adult life, the pieces sort of fit together at last while I was studying the columns & rows of "moods.xls."

I googled "anxiety and depression and sugar and carbohydrates" and found several entries that confirmed my theory that my depression and anxiety come raging when I'm eating the wrong stuff. I mean, I knew I felt guilty & fat & bloated when I ate sugary fattening foods. And I knew I got the wants & wanted more when I ate those foods. And I knew my night eating cravings came back when I fed my body junk during the day.

But I didn't realize--either because I blocked it on purpose or because my subconscience was blocking it for me, protective little bastard that it is--that sugar and chocolate and the like can cause anxiety and depression to worsen in some people.

What the hell? I asked myself. Why hasn't anyone ever told me this before? Why didn't I know this? I'm not talking about you eat poorly, you gain weight, you feel bad about yourself, you're depressed. I'm talking about the hard-core biochemical shit that's been screwing with my brain lately.

Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Maybe the wellbutrin is messing things up in my sensitive little noggin. Or maybe, just maybe, I am sensitive to sugar in more ways than it just makes me fat.

Maybe it's making me crazy, too.

So, one of the resources I found was for the book "Potatoes Not Prozac." Have you heard of it? I remember reading that title years and years ago & thinking the author must be nuts to think a potato could replace prozac. But after reading some other websites and reading an interview with the author about symptoms that are very similar to mine, I ordered the book off of Amazon yesterday and it's in my hands today. (God bless those speedy folks at Amazon.com.)

I must confess something to you now. And this is not a pretty confession. It's very difficult, actually. So sit down if you're not sitting down already.

The primary reason I caved & bought yet another book is because she talked about how craving sugar can eventually lead to craving alcohol. I have never ever been much of a drinker. Never. I didn't drink in high school or college, and in my early 20s when I was going out with girlfriends, I was always the sober designated driver. I've been a sober prude for most of my adult life. Ask anyone who's known me for longer than two years and they'd agree that I can be the world's biggest wet blanket.

But in the past year, that's started to change. I get home from work and I need a drink (man, that sounds just awful). I automatically reach for a bottle of Mike's Hard Pomegranate Lemonade (which, I believe, is NOT 100% pomegranate juice so it unfortunately does not have the same benefits as POM Wonderful) the minute I'm changed out of my work/workout clothes. Some nights I want a 2nd bottle after the kids are in bed.

The weeks I was doing the Crack diet successfully, I was still having a Mike's once in a while. I could still lose, as long as I stayed away from junk food. Junk drink seemed to not derail me.

Except, actually, it did knock me off the rails, because now one bottle isn't enough.

Yes, I know this is a problem. A big, ugly, fucking grown up problem.

So. Add that to the list of problems I've got.

Middle aged acne is another big one that I don't yet have a solution to, but that's for another day.

(Believe it or not I'm not drinking while writing this. I know I sound a little loopy. I'm feeling okay right now and I'm on an upswing I guess. Those upswings bring out the goofiness in my writing style, to be sure.)

Part of me can't wait to get into this book over the weekend and see if it can help. Part of me thinks I'm a total freaking moron to think yet another book is going to fix me.

But the biggest part of me feels like it's all going to be okay, as long as I keep searching, keep learning, keep listening to what my brain and body are trying to tell me.

I am running, and I am sleeping, and I am loved by my family. The rest of it will work itself out, God willing.

Dry Spell

Years ago I read an article in a fashion magazine about marriage and sex. The author said that when she and her husband went for too many days without having sex, their emotional connection got all fuzzy. I don't remember anything else about the article--what the symptoms of the fuzzy connection were or what she did to remedy the dry spell. I can imagine what they'd be, since I've been married 14 years and have had my share of not getting my share. But I remember that line clearly: their emotional connection got all fuzzy.

Something similar has happened to me recently. I feel disconnected, soft, and my brain is fuzzy like a summer peach. It feels like it's been forever, and I'm not sure how to get back in the saddle, so to speak, because it's been so long and I'm a little intimidated of starting things up again. It's not like it's been months or anything, but it has been a couple weeks since anything significant has happened.

I'm not talking about my marital relationship, though. It's a running dry spell that I'm going through. And it's bloody painful.

I've described to my friends before that running 13.1 miles is almost as good as great sex. The constant flood of endorphins that make their presence seriously known around mile 5 is as close to a passionate romp as anything else I've experienced.

During my first half marathon, I had my first running orgasm. Okay, so I didn't have an actual orgasm (although how freaking cool would that be?). But I had the equivalent of one--my spirit was lifted heavenward, I was transported, my body was so awash in goodly brain chemicals that it moved of its own volition, doing my bidding without me having to even try. I had an honest to goodness out of body experience around mile 12. I can't describe being able to run farther than I've ever run in my life, other than I died and went to heaven for those last two miles. I was filled with white light, moving forward, on and on and on among other souls who sought the same destination.

Crossing the finish line was pure bliss.

So why, with the memory of ecstasy being within my power, can't I get my ass out there and run?

Our weather this weekend was unseasonably cool for August. Upper 50s in the mornings, with highs in the 70s. It was perfect running weather. In August. In Southern Indiana. And did I run once? No. Did I have a legion of excuses why I couldn't run? Yes. Do I feel like a total worthless piece of "how can you call yourself a runner" garbage? Well, it's not quite that bad, but close.

So now that it's been over three weeks since I ran a significant distance (I'm not counting my 5 miler a week and a half ago, because I walked half of it because it was too stinking hot), I'm all freaked out over it. I want to run. I do. But I feel disconnected, soft, and fuzzy. Like this relationship might have some serious issues.

And I'm doubting myself like mad. How can I call myself a runner if I can't even make myself run a solid 3 miles on the most beautiful days of the summer? How can I call myself a runner if I don't want to run the Race for the Cure 5k this year (my First Race Ever was this 5k)? How can I call myself a runner when my training for the Half Marathon in October has been shit?

Getting out there again is intimidating. I have no idea why. It's like when I went through that phase where I would run on a treadmill but have an uncontrollable urge to jump off the tread and onto the rails. I literally could not keep my body off the side rails; my feet had taken over and they said, "Uh uh, not running today, sorry, we like it over here where it's nice and sedentary." It wasn't rational, my side rail issue. But at the time, I was nearly paralyzed by it.

So here's what I'm telling myself today: this dry spell is going to pass the way any dry spell passes. Not with roses or a nice dinner or a new pair of running shoes. It's going to pass because I am going to JUST DO IT. I'm going to put the bullshit excuses aside, get out my sexiest, er I mean fastest, running clothes I own, lace up my Mizunos, and hit the pavement.

You break a dry spell one step at a time. I just need to remind myself that I'll find my bliss again. It's going to require a little foreplay, in the form of 3 and 4 mile short runs. But the bliss is out there, somewhere. I'll find it if I just keep running.

152.8 & a happy post

That's what the scale has said for two days in a row, and Wednesday it was 152.6. AND yesterday was a carb up day, & my weight didn't go up.

Woohoo! I love this plan.

The weather has been better this week and my schedule not as nuts, so I've been running. Tuesday I ran 3.5 miles & yesterday I ran 3. My Wednesday walk with my friend during the kids' swim lessons has turned into a walk/jog! Debra has started running during her walks, so she & I are walking a couple laps and running 3. We ran a little over a mile (the track is 11 laps per mile & we ran the 3 lap circuit 4 times). I feel like I'm getting a much better workout now.

This weekend is supposed to be g.o.r.g.e.o.u.s weather. 50s in the mornings!! That is the absolute best running weather. I cannot wait to be able to run a full mile without thinking I'm gonna die from heat exhaustion. Heck, maybe I'll even be able to run 3 miles straight again without a walk break. 'Cause in summer heat, that just don't happen.

I've got a product review of POM Wonderful I will be throwing out there next week. I owe those folks a big apology. They sent their fabulous juice months ago and I've not reviewed it at all. It was all gone within a week, too! Tells you how much we loved the stuff. Anyway, you've been warned--my first ever product review (&, alas, it may be my last since no one else is going to want my procrastinating self for product pimping).

Weekend plans will hopefully include an 8 mile run Saturday morning, a trip to the zoo, a trip to the children's museum, lots of family time, church on Sunday, and catching up on household chores. (Laundry, why do you taunt me with your ever growing stature?)

It's sad, I know, but I felt immediately happy this morning when my scale repeated yesterday's weight. I got a lift from that number all morning.

I like being on the love side of the my love/hate relationship with The Scale.

Tuesday Down & Dirty

I'm here, just too busy to post much right now. Here's the skinny:

Friday was a carb up day, which was fine except I allowed my hormones to take over and Saturday and Sunday also ended up being carb up days. They obviously weren't supposed to be. I got back on plan yesterday and weighed 153.4 this morning.

I ran 5 miles on Saturday. Was supposed to be 7, but I started at 10:30 & it was way too hot even by then. At 3 miles I decided I was done, so I turned around & ran/walked home.

I've definitely been feeling some hormonal imbalance moodiness since Saturday. As soon as my vitamins from vitacost.com arrives, I'm going to start taking 600 mg of calcium twice a day. My psychiatrist says it's supposed to help with PMS. I already take fish oil twice a day, which helps with weight loss and depression. Hopefully the calcium delivers.

More to come....

"I don't want to be a night eater"

Go read this when you have a chance. It's a great piece of writing.

Frances Kuffel's Psychology Today blog.

Sophie

Can you believe this is my 8 year old? Neither can I. She has grown so much. It's been a very good summer, primarily because we've gotten her migraines/dizzy spells figured out. It's been such a blessing for her to have a normal life the past few months. I pray that it continues.

These pics are from the first day of school yesterday. She deserves a good school year. (She missed over 30 days in both kindergarten and 1st grade because of the dizzy spells.) She loves her new teacher. She's easy to get up for school, at least the past two mornings. I'm hopeful that continues.

And she got promoted in swim lessons last night to Shark. That's her second promotion this summer, and Shark is the highest level she can go, and then it's swim team. She'll be in Flying Fish for two more weeks, then a two week break, then we start lessons at the Shark level in mid September. We are moving lessons to Saturday mornings. Wednesday from 5:30 - 6:30 is just too much during the school year. We were all exhausted & grouchy last night.

Thank you all for your morning workout tips!! I loved them all. It was great to hear from some of you that don't normally comment, so big thanks to you especially. I've been waking up this week at 5 - 5:15 a.m. to get to work early. I am going to bed around 10 p.m. This is totally new behavior for me. Usually I go to bed at 11 p.m. - midnight, & get up at 7 or 7:30, & am at work between 9:30-10. I think I'm going to continue to get used to the new sleep/awake times, & then ease into working out in the mornings. I really like getting up early & having time to drink coffee, pray, watch CNBC, clean the kitchen, color my hair (which is what I did this morning), or whatever, and still get to work at 8ish a.m.

I did manage a run yesterday--FINALLY--3 miles in the afternoon. It wasn't too terribly hot in the shade, but it was hot enough to make me slower than molasses. And I think I need new shoes. My shins were hurting & my feet hurt like heck last night. I love getting new running shoes. They are always so supportive & comfy.

Weight is still the same, bah! Can't wait for another drop down a pound or two. I always hold onto weight at mid cycle, so it's not a surprise. Just a bummer. Ah well. I'll keep plugging away.

Stable

Everything's on an even keel right now. My weight, my moods, my life -- are all fairly stable. No surprises, nothing to freak out over, nothing to get too excited about.

Stable = normal = GOOD

I haven't lost anymore weight. I've been stuck in the 153 range for over a week. I'm eating on plan 95% of the time (I had frozen cool whip for dessert one night & a couple handfuls of mini chocolate chips another night...not on plan, but not a disaster, either).

The problem is I'm not exercising. I ran last Friday for 3 miles, & that was it for the entire week. My schedule was nuts with my Dad's illness & Sophie's appointment in St Louis, and one thing after another, blah blah blah and there's no time for ME. I haven't worked out yet this week either. I am kicking around the morning run idea again, and I was awake this morning at 5:15, but I just didn't have it in me to go running. I looked outside to see if it was raining, but that was the extent of my efforts. I probably ought to quit kidding myself that I'm ever going to be a morning workout person.

But I want to be. I want to burn those calories in the a.m. when my body will take them from my fat stores. I want to get my runs out of the way so my evenings are free. And I really, really want to lose more weight. You'd think these would be motivation enough to get me moving.

It's not. Yet.

If you're a converted morning exerciser (as in, you are NOT a morning person but you have managed to recreate yourself into a morning exerciser...I don't need to hear from you larks who just naturally pop out of bed without an alarm, because I'm so jealous of you that I could scream), please share how you do it.

Or come over & drag my sorry butt out of bed at 5 a.m. That would help, big time.

Epiphanies and Moving On

I'm around, just haven't been able to write because I've mostly used up all my words by speaking too much during the day and have nothing left to share here.

It's been a difficult week with my Dad, for many reasons other than his illness. I had an epiphany Wednesday--just because someone has a deadly disease doesn't make them into a new person. There are reasons I haven't been part of my dad's life for years. Those didn't go away just because he got sick. We had The Talk on Sunday and it was healing, but it didn't really change things.

And just as I chose not to be sucked into the loathsome relationship he has with his wife for the past 6 years (my dad is her 7th husband, and that sin is a faint blush compared to the rest of the evil which is contained in her being), I do not have to be part of what is happening now. I am still who I am, too. And I will not compromise myself or my family just because he's leaving this earth soon.

A person dies the way they live. There's just no getting around that fact.

So. Wednesday was The Difficult Day. In addition to driving to St Louis & back for Sophie's follow up neurology appointment--which went great...her MRI from 6 weeks ago was normal, of course, and she has had a great summer with NO significant dizzy spells. The meds are working and she's not suffering any side effects--I also listened in on the meeting with Dad, his wife, my sister, and the attorney on the Will discussion. That's when most of the trouble started. It's all "thou shalt not blog about" stuff, but needless to say it pushed me over the edge and despite my best intentions, I completely drowned my misery Wednesday night in Mike's Hard Lemonade, Lucky Charms, & Chips Ahoy.

Thursday I moved on. I had my epiphanies, ate a carb free breakfast, and got back to doing what I do best--putting the unmentionables of my life in a nice little box and shoving them under the bed where they belong. Well, not really. I talked about them more with family & friends, but emotionally I was done being upset. Done done done. Really. I'm done.

Exercise has been The Suck this week. Yesterday I finally ran 3 miles, and they felt good despite the heat & humidity. My diet has been back to where it's supposed to be, and my weight has been staying stable for days between 153.2 and 154.2, even after the Wednesday disaster. I expect to get more exercise in next week and staying on plan, so hopefully can shed another pound or two in Week 3.

In other random news, I've got this niggling pull in my brain that I should write a book. It's been there for about a year, and I keep ignoring it. I have no idea how this would happen or who would even read what I have to say (other than the handful of you fabulous folks who read my blather here, but, you know, I think a publisher would want more than 50 people to buy a book). But the new movie Julie & Julia, which was a blog, then a book, & is now a movie, has brought back the desire again. I keep thinking of Farmer Hoggett from Babe, and how he knew that ideas that pull and niggle shouldn't be ignored. I don't know. Probably nothing will come of it. I just needed to dump it out here so maybe it will go away. Or I'll do something about it. One or the other.

Today, Saturday, is The Great Endeavor to Clean Sophie's Room. My goal all summer has been to get it cleaned before school starts. Sure enough, Wednesday is D- day and we are cleaning today. It's scary in there--no food under the bed or anything, but so many toys you literally can't walk except for in strategically cleared spots. Needless to say, we're purging a ton of stuff, whether she likes it or not.

1 week down, 7 to go, and some very bad news

I finished week 1 of the Crack the Fat Loss Code diet on Saturday. And I rocked it.

Sunday morning I weighed 153.2 -- 6 pounds lost.

I stuck to plan 95% of the time. I ran 3 times, walked once. Saturday's run was a solid 6 miles.

Can I tell you how great it feels to have the extra, extra layer of fat/water weight gone? My clothes are comfortable. Everything fits again, not loosely but my summer clothes aren't tight anymore. My running skirt doesn't pull across the front; it hangs straight again. Saturday night Mark & I went out to dinner & a movie for his birthday and I wore the blue dress I bought on St John, and it was a little big on me! (I ate well at dinner, no bread, no alcohol, no popcorn or treats at the movie.)

Yesterday was a difficult day (more on that in a minute) and I came face to face with why it's so easy to get off track. Because when life comes at you fast, if you take ONE BITE of the forbidden, it can unleash an avalanche of brain chemicals and emotions that snows you under until, before you even realize it, you've eaten more than one bite. And if you don't MAKE YOURSELF STOP after those first few bites or, in my case, after one piece of homemade mocha cake that your gourmet cook cousin-in-law only makes a few times a year for birthdays--you can get into trouble real fast.

I stopped. At a family pool party yesterday afternoon, I had a fried chicken breast (didn't eat skin but ate the cracklins), green beans, broccoli salad, and yes, a piece of amazing mocha cake. That was not on plan. I stopped at one piece, but after that ONE indiscretion, I wanted more. I wanted some cheesecake and rice crispy treats and chocolate kisses and coconut pie (and I don't even like coconut). This was a big family party--there were lots of desserts.

The avalanche started, but because I love how I feel being thinner--and because the memory of how yucky it feels to NOT be thinner is so close to me right now--I was able to stop this time. It's a scary line to walk. And maybe I have no business even getting my little toe next to that line. But I did, and I do. It's part of the beauty of this plan, actually. That you can "cheat" and still lose weight, IF you stick to the plan as it's written & don't make up new rules as you go along.

DH took two pieces of cake home--one for him, one for Luke--and I had one more bite before I stopped myself. Sure, I stopped partly because I didn't want Luke or Mark asking "where's my cake?" the next day, but I realized if I didn't make myself stop then, it might be too late.

And I'd be in the pit of carb despair again. I really don't want to go back there.

I was up 1 pound this morning, but it's OK. I expected a small gain.

Today is a carb down day. I'm having healthy Ezekial toast with turkey for lunch. Tomorrow is a baseline day & I get two carbs before 3 p.m., woot!

I can't say the hard part is over, just because week one's carb deplete is done (really, it's not that bad).

The hard part is anytime there's temptation around. The hard part is saying YES and allowing myself to live in the moment--which is OK TO DO ONCE IN A WHILE--and then going back to being true to what I want most, which is to not be a slave to food.
***
The very bad news and why Sunday was so difficult:
My dad has been diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). The day we left for St John, he saw a neurologist because his speech was slurred. After a lot of tests and a misdiagnosis of another neuromuscular disorder (which didn't respond to drug treatment so they know it's not that disease), the doctors have told him it's ALS.

I knew this over a week ago, but it wasn't real yet. He needs a 2nd opinion, we all told ourselves. It's not really ALS until a second doctor tells us it is. I lived in a little imaginary world for a while, and filed the problem away behind all the other crud I've been dealing with in life lately.

Then my sister called me Sunday morning, saying she'd waited two days so we could enjoy Mark's birthday. She'd been crying for two days straight because dad couldn't eat on Friday and he could barely talk. He was having trouble breathing. He said he didn't want any extraordinary measures, including a feeding tube. From the way my sister described what she saw on Friday, I thought he may only have a few weeks left to live.

She & I went to see dad yesterday. It was a good day for him. Friday was a very, very bad day. I could understand him yesterday, even though his speech is unbelievably slurred. He was eating soup when I got there, and was drinking coffee. He's surprisingly not bitter or angry about the situation. He said he's thankful it's not a disease that's taking his mind from him and that he has time to say his goodbye's.

My dad & I haven't had much of a relationship for years, mostly because of his 2nd wife but for other reasons too that I won't go into today. But something like this tears down walls and opens up hardened hearts, and dad and I had The Talk we needed to have. He struggles to breathe when he cries, so it was very difficult for both of us. We needed it though.

The other advisor in our office has worked with the ALS Foundation for years. He gave me a name & number of someone to call to get them some help. The neuro. basically said "you've got ALS and I've got no tricks for you in my bag." Nice. Tricks we don't need. Advice and compassion and next steps would be helpful though. The ALS Foundation is hopefully where we'll find all that and more.

I have no idea how advanced it is. My sister and his wife said they can look back on the past few years and see that some signs were there before. Things like muttered speech and a weak leg, that they contributed to his stroke from 4 years ago and his knee surgery. It's possible it was ALS though.

He wants to stay home, doesn't want a hospital. That may change when he can't walk or feed himself. His wife is very obese and has diabetes and couldn't lift him at all. He's deteriorated quickly in the past 6 weeks, from mere slurred speech to struggling to swallow. I just pray we find the help we need to keep him as comfortable as possible at the Foundation.

Roasting & Losing

This week has gone pretty well. With the exception of yesterday I've felt great all week. I started TTOM on Wednesday & I guess I had delayed PMS because I felt horribly down yesterday. & I was an awful mother last night--tired, impatient, yelled at the kids when they wouldn't go to bed after I'd told them to three times. (My yelling made Sophie cry, and I had a delay in feeling bad about making her cry, which made things worse; it only took about 5 minutes for me to get my head on straight, then I felt just awful about it. Thank God she has a forgiving heart. But, yeah, I need to stop the yelling. Bad, bad, bad.)

Anyway, I've run twice & walked once this week. My walking friend has started jogging for 1 minute intervals during her walks, and she made the mistake of telling me this on our walk Wednesday night. We of course threw in a few running laps, which was freaking awesome! I told her she's in trouble--I'm going to have her running 5ks with me before she knows it.

Food has been spot on plan for week 1 of the Crack diet, which is the difficult carb deplete week. Once you get the hang of it, it truly is not that difficult. I was woosy on the 3rd day, when I ran 3 miles that afternoon, because, um, DUH, I had zero glycogen stores left in my muscles & I was trying to run in humid 80ish temps.

But I felt fine on day 4. And yesterday when I was in the pit of PMS despair and wanted to eat my way through the craziness of the kids and traffic and LIFE--I didn't. I just didn't. I went home and ate a turkey burger and roasted broccoli.

Which brings me to the title of today's post. I have discovered that roasted green veggies are without a doubt the best thing since sliced bread (which I can't have right now anyway, haha). I've been roasting my fresh green beans for a while, using olive oil & this spice I found in St John (I have to order more--I can't believe how amazing the Cruz Bay Grill Rub is--St John Spice). I know green beans aren't on the list of approved veggies for carb deplete week, but I looked up the carb content & they aren't any worse than broccoli.

And OH MY! Roasted broccoli is to die for. Diet Girl had posted a recipe for roasted broccoli ages ago, which I printed but never have made (I will be soon, very very soon). I made it last night with the Cruz Bay rub, and it was like candy. Seriously. Green veggie candy.

Please, no one tell me that roasting vegetables is bad for you. I don't think I can go back to microwaving again. BTW, I have a large toaster oven & that's where I'm roasting, not the big oven that takes forever to preheat & uses a ton of energy.

I think next I'm going to try roasted squash, zuch, & tomatoes (I have previously roasted grape tomatoes using a recipe from Roni, and they are amazing).

I know I'm late to this party, so tell me...what do you roast that you'll never microwave again?

Today is Mark's birthday, and I did not have even a teeny tiny crumb of his birthday cake this morning. And I won't have any pizza tonight either. I will have dinner with him tomorrow night, & that might be tricky. I'm just going to make the best choices I can & start week 2 on Sunday.

I hit 155.2 Wednesday, was 155.4 yesterday, and am 155.2 today. That's 4 pounds down since I started Sunday. I can wear a dress today that I couldn't when I was pushing 160, and it's not tight at all. So it's working.

I can't wait to get to 145. I felt absolutely amazing at 146 last October. I remind myself of that feeling when I struggle or have the don't wannas. It's only 10 more pounds to lose. I know I can get there.

Diet & Exercise

Hey! You know what? This is supposed to be a diet & exercise blog, not a "Woe is me my life is falling apart" blog. There's been a lot of that lately, & not enough diet & exercise chatter.

So how about some good news on the diet & exercise front for a change....

Sunday morning I had just HAD IT UP TO HERE with my binging, out of control self. I think the weekend before had been so traumatic, & the days following felt so amazing with their normality, that by this weekend I had so much energy that I was thrilled beyond thrilled (& I'm also aware that starting on wellbutrin provides a burst of energy, but I don't care where it came from...it was a gift, I accepted it with gratitude).

I had been toying with the idea of going back to the Original Crack the Fat Loss Code plan, that both Helen & Vickie are following. I know it like the back of my hand, it's simple & straight forward (once you get the hang of it), & it works like nothing else. The 2nd version of the diet is, frankly, pretty complicated after week 2 & I just wasn't up for learning something new.

So Sunday morning I began a-Crack-a-lackin' again. I did great with food all day. I even ran 3 solid miles last night, in 34:44 (avg. around 11:30/mile). And those 3 miles felt amazingly strong after my past few runs where I cried half the time. I felt a little woozy a few times during the day from no carbs, but I just ate some protein & that went away.

I lost 2 pounds this morning. 157.2

Water weight has to be lost one way or another. I'll take quick water weight loss any day.

Today is going well so far on the food front. No reason to think I'll get off plan. We even have a dinner with prospects tonight, but I am ordering blackened salmon, asparagus, & the salad bar (will be very picky about what I put on my salad).

I'm feeling fairly stable emotionally, although I have felt anxious a few times the past couple days. 1/2 a xanax usually takes care of it though.

Better living through chemicals.... and no carbs for a week.

Better, but with work to do

The past two days have been remarkably better. I'm out of the darkness, and so far feel fairly stable. I haven't cycled back down & I'm definitely nowhere near topping out. I guess I'd say I feel normal and even right now.

It would be lovely if that feeling stuck around for a while.

I got the kids back last night & OH HOW I MISSED THEM. I missed them more than I did when I was in St John for over a week (of course, how do you miss anyone when you're in paradise? you don't, you're in paradise). My mom brought them to Sophie's swim lessons, and she was there 30 minutes before class started (which interrupted the time I thought I would have to run on the treadmill, but that was OK by me). It was bliss, holding them both.

After swim we went home, had dinner, and I put all their stuff away from their overnight at grandma's. Usually I let things pile up in the dining room & get to putting it away whenever. But I had gotten the house clean on Tuesday and I decided I'd try to stay ahead of the mess instead of getting behind it, which is what usually happens. It was nice to leave the house this morning with things picked up instead of in a shambles.

My food & exercise is still meh. I walked 2 miles with my girlfriend last night, as is usual on swim lesson nights. I ate well all day but before bed I had some (okay, 5) oreos. I love me some oreos. I know they shouldn't be in my house, but I'm not ready to let them go yet.

So I'm working on little things. Like getting to work at a normal hour (8 or 8:30 instead of 10 or 10:30). And keeping the dishwasher unloaded. And making our bed. And keeping my bathroom clean. And not letting laundry pile up (that's a never ending battle).

And maybe, just maybe, if I can get the normal things in life to go well, I can find the energy to once again make my body a little smaller. 159 on the scale isn't the end of the world, but it's about 7 pounds more than I'm comfortable with.

I'll get there. Soon.

Hello darkness, my old enemy

I had a difficult weekend.

The new antidepressant didn't work out for me, but I didn't realize I was suffering side affects until Monday. Friday I felt sad, more depressed than normal, but it was similar to my mid-cycle/PMS feelings, so I dismissed it as such.

Saturday was a low key day anyway, so my lying around reading pretty much all day wasn't a big deal. I actually managed to run/walk 5 miles, but they were the worst 5 miles of my life. I walked about half, crying a lot of the time because of the horrible thoughts going through my head (what's wrong with me? how do I live my life like this? why can't I be normal? my kids and husband deserve better than this. I'm just so useless when I'm like this. will it ever get better?). I truly thought I was losing it on those 5 miles. But I kept it to myself when I got home, telling Mark when he asked how my run was that it was just OK, not great.

Sunday I could barely make myself get out of bed. We were ushers at church so we had to go, but I stayed in bed until the very last minute & then I was very down and rather disconnected at church. That afternoon we had a cookout/pool party at Mark's cousin's house, so I was focused on the kids, but I had very little energy. And I drank three bottles of Mike's hard lemonade (an alcoholic non-beer drink), which is rare for me. I was starting to figure out something was wrong.

Monday morning I slept very late, had to take the kids to day care before I got ready for work so they were there on time. I got home after dropping them off & collapsed into bed. It just seemed too much to do my makeup and hair and get dressed. But I made myself, moving slowly & feeling like I was dragging my arms & legs through thick mud.

When I got to work, 2 hours later than usual, I told Mark something wasn't right with me. Then I started crying. Then I just felt numb. So numb that someone could have told me my mom had died & I'd have likely felt nothing. I was in trouble.

Mark told me to call my mom & have her pick up the kids and keep them for a few days. He wasn't in any position because of work and school obligations to care for them with me totally out of commission. Thank God for my mom. She picked them up & they were happy to see her & stay at her house. Thank God they didn't have to see me go through what I went through.

I've been very, very depressed a couple times in my life, with that moving-through-mud feeling oppressing my every movement. But it was before I had kids and it was before I was on antidepressants that worked.

I'd never felt that completely numb sensation--an emotional flattening, my psychiatrist called it. So I knew it wasn't me. It was the medication, pristiq, that brought on the darkness.

I went home Monday late afternoon and took a xanax, drank some Mike's, and went to bed. I woke up at 11 p.m. and took another xanax and went back to bed.

Thankfully the psychiatrist was able to see me Tuesday morning. I didn't take a pristiq when I woke up. I didn't shower, either, putting on a cap, shorts & a long t-shirt. No makeup. I brushed my teeth, but that was it. I didn't feel hopeless and numb anymore, though. 24 hours away from the pristiq did make a difference.

The doctor was surprised it only took two weeks for the pristiq to affect me the way it did, but she has seen this reaction before with some antidepressants. I asked about going off medication completely, and she thought that was a bad idea. Getting ahead of the depression is what we need to do, she said, not let it overwhelm me and then have a hard time getting me back.

We decided to go back on Wellbutrin 150 mg, and she is going to monitor my feelings/ups & downs, and add medication to stabilize my mood if needed. She knows SAD is an issue for me, & we are already talking about how we are going to treat that in October (I have a light--I just need to use it).

I felt so good after the appointment that I went home & did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and vacuumed the floors. I haven't cleaned in weeks. I guess feeling normal felt so much better than how I'd been feeling the 4 days before, that it seemed like I'd been granted superhuman strength. I did make it to work that afternoon, and obviously my husband was tremendously relieved I wasn't going to be out of commission for days or weeks, which is what we were both afraid of.

Mom still has the kids. I get them back tonight. I miss them. I'm glad they have a safe haven to go when I'm off the rails.

Needless to say, I self medicated all weekend with food. I had no energy to "be good" and I gained back everything I'd lost the 2 weeks before.

So it's time to start again. Again. Hopefully I'm rid of the darkness now and I'll have energy to devote to getting healthy, both mentally and physically.

Thursday scoop

I had a gain this morning. & it was water weight (I couldn't get my rings off at all). But I still hate seeing a gain.

The past 3 days I've had restaurant food for lunch. Monday & Tuesday, out of laziness, I had Chick Fil A salads. They are relatively healthy as far as fast food choices go, but are loaded with sodium. I never lose weight when I eat one for lunch. And yesterday I went to lunch with a friend & had Mexican. It was a carb up day; I did not over indulge; & I ordered fajitas and not a greasy cheesy burrito or chimichanga (my faves). But it was enough that I gained almost a pound this morning.

I ran Tuesday for only 30 minutes, and I netted 2.5 miles because I had to walk a lot. It's crazy how fast you can lose endurance when you aren't putting in a lot of miles regularly, which I haven't since before vacation. It's like I'm starting all over with running again. Thankfully I have a half marathon to train for so I've got a goal to keep me running. Goals for me = motivation to hit the pavement. And I walked for 30 minutes with my friend yesterday, while our kids had swim lessons. She's not a runner, so we walk.

Life is going to get crazy(ier) again soon. Mark starts his 2nd summer class next week, & he'll be gone on Tuesday, Wednesday, & Thursday nights. He's got a big project due for his 1st summer class, in about a month. And of course he's still got to work & earn a living to support us.

I'm all about prayer right now, to help us keep it together without losing it.

The weekend will be busy. We will probably see our church group friends on Friday night. Saturday our group is serving dinner at the Rescue Mission (local men's homeless shelter)--we take the kids with us & they help us serve food & sing songs during the program. Sunday we have a pool party in the afternoon at Mark's cousin's house to celebrate his and another cousin's birthday's this month.

When will I ever find time to read Breaking Dawn? I've got about 300-400 pages left & haven't been able to read it for almost a week. I'm suffering withdrawals. At least the summer is flying by & November's New Moon will be here before I know it.

On the medication front, I'm not sleepy or spacey like I was on Sunday & Monday. I've been feeling kind of bleh, not really down but not up either. I'm wondering about a couple things though, whether they are bipolar symptoms. Last night I couldn't take the mess in my kitchen any more & cleaned like crazy. & this morning I couldn't keep a thought in my head--kept jumping from one random thing to another. I'm trying to pay more attention to things like that, and I don't know if I'm talking myself into thinking I'm bipolar (are my jumping thoughts the same as racing thoughts? I don't know) or if these things are normal and everyone goes through them. I'm writing it down & will ask the doctor when I see her in about 2 weeks.

I can't count

I've done many different diets over the past 20 years, and the majority of them failed. What I've learned from my successful diet ventures--LA Weight Loss and Crack the Fat Loss Code--is that, when it comes to losing weight, I can't count.

If I count calories, I fail. If I count Points, I fail. If I count molecules, I fail. (Okay so I've never counted cellular matter, but I didn't have a 3rd thing to count & these things have to come in threes).

But, if I have an exchange program where I know how much food & what kind of food I can eat, then it works for me. That was how LAWL's plan was structured--so many proteins, so many veggies, so many starches, and so on. And that's how the Crack plan works--breakfast is a protein/starch, lunch is a protein/fat/veggie, snacks are protein, dinner is protein/veggie.

What also works is eliminating (for the most part) refined carbs from my daily diet. My Diet Nemesis (a.k.a. night time cravings) is gone. I don't crave junk food when I'm stressed. I don't need something sweet after I finish a meal.

The power of destruction of simple sugars in the body is mind blowing. Get rid of the simple sugars, and life is much more stable.

Wanna know the results from my first week? As of today, I've lost 3.8 pounds (since last Monday). I weighed 155.4 this morning. My loss has slowed the past two days, and I'm not sure if it's because (a) that's normal because I lost a big amount in the first 6 days, (b) I'm not eating enough (I'm not--the new meds are killing my appetite), or (c) I'm not exercising enough (I'm not doing this either).

In case it's (b) or (c), I'm making changes. I ate a good breakfast this morning, which I haven't been doing. And I'm planning on running at least 3 miles this afternoon, which will be the first time I've run since Saturday (when I got in 3 miles).

On the medication front, I think Pristiq is helping, but it's hard to be sure. I had some funky side affects this weekend. I felt really spacey & I was really tired. I slept 9 hours Sunday night & Monday morning I woke up and still felt hung over. This morning is better. I'm not under a black cloud, so at least that's a positive feeling. But I'm not overly positive--no uphill roller coaster feelings right now.

Oh, & I signed up to run our city's half marathon on October 11th. Training starts today.

The plan is to stay the course and pray for everyone's health to continue to be stable so I can keep up a semblance of normality. Normal is always a good thing.

The plan is working!

Despite my lack of exercise this week, my weight is going down. I was 156.6 this morning. I will take it.

Helen, who is also doing the Crack diet, commented on my last post that it makes the night time snack desires go away. & I would second that. I guess because I'm not pouring carbs into my body during the day, it's not craving them at night when I stop feeding it.

It's rather magical, actually.

I will admit I caved & had a little square of Green & Black's chocolate yesterday. I have an emergency bar in my desk. It was one tiny inconsequential square, but you know what? About 30 minutes later I was craving more chocolate. Funny how that works. (& I didn't eat any more chocolate, by the way. I sort of learned my lesson with that one piece.)

So I'm giving the body the food it needs to burn some fat. Unfortunately, I still haven't made time to run or workout. Work is crazy busy & I'm not a morning workout person & up until today I had nothing left after taking care of the kids & working all day. Those are the excuses anyway.

Today I am finally starting to feel the fog lift from my brain. Whether it's the new medicine or simply the end of my hormonal swing, it doesn't matter. I feel better. That's what counts.

The diet & the doc

So the diet has gone well so far. 2 days on plan, & I'm down to 157.8 this morning. Mark is staying tough, too. Today is a carb up day, which is nice because it's more lenient (but I'm not going nuts & having cookies or anything) but really the past two days haven't been that hard. Once I get that plan & make up my mind that THIS IS IT, it's a lot easier for me to stick to it.

The nighttime food cravings pretty much went away the first day. Weird, huh? Vickie wrote about how the body craves junk food when we are feeding it junk food. When we feed it good stuff, the junk food cravings go away (mostly...I'm under no illusion that I'm far from finished with this food fight).

I haven't exercised though. & I miss running terribly. Work is crazy, which is good & bad. And I've been pretty down for the past five days, which makes overcoming the excuses not to workout that much harder. I'll get in at least 30 minutes today while Sophie's at swim class, so at least there's that.

Yesterday's appointment with the psychiatrist went well. It was tough. I had to drag up a lot of crap from the past 15 years so she could understand why I've been on antidepressants. I talked about my post partum depression after Sophie's birth, and after I described it to her she said I actually had nearly had a post partum psychosis. Nice. That was a pleasant thing to learn.

The bottom line is--I'm on a new antidepressant called pristiq. She's not convinced that I don't have a form of bipolar disorder, because I do have some hypo-mania symptoms & the post partum symptoms are also signs of bipolar disorder. But truly, the hypo-mania symptoms and the extreme up & down moods have only been around since I've been on wellbutrin (I asked Mark to confirm that, & he agreed). She wants to treat the depression first & see if the bipolar symptoms go away or intensify on this medicine (which is an SNRI and not an SSRI like all the other meds I've taken).

Oh, & the first thing I did when I got back from the appointment was google pristiq & weight gain. It's a new drug (been out almost a year) but I don't see any horror stories of weight gain yet. And if you're going to gain weight on an antidepressant, it's gonna happen within the first few months, so I think I'm safe with this one. If anything, I might lose weight from it. Loss of appetite & weight loss are side effects (which is fine by me).

So I'll take the new medication for 3 weeks (I had been tapering off wellbutrin over the past month & my last dose was over a week ago) and go see her again, and we'll see what's next. I'm really glad I'm seeing her about this, & not just letting my GP handle it anymore. Kind of wish I'd been seeing a psychiatrist all along.

But, man, it's so much harder to sit in a psychiatrist's waiting room than in a family practice waiting room. It's like going to the gym-- sometimes the toughest part is just walking through the door. When you're done, though, you're glad you went.

It's Official

I'm back on a diet.

I haven't been able to get myself together enough to lose any weight. Without a bonafide plan, I'm all over the place and can't string together enough healthy meals (let alone days of success) in order to drop these extra pounds I've picked up over the last few months.

This morning I was 159.4, which frankly wasn't as bad as I'd expected. I drank a lot of tasty beverages over the 4th of July weekend. I ate a lot of red meat. I had ice cream a few times. I didn't run once.

159.4 was a gift.

And while I don't think I look hideous by any means, I have become uncomfortable with the extra fat. My capri's are tight. My belly roll is more roll-ey. I can't wear some of my work dresses because they are too tight.

So it's time.

I started version #2 of the Crack diet (Conquer the Fat Loss Code is the new book). And this will make it easier--Mark is doing it with me.

The plan is 8 weeks long. I think I can get 15 pounds off in 8 weeks. If not, I'll start it over until I do. 145 is the goal. I'd love to reach 140, but there's no reason to get all pie in the sky here. 146 was a skinny weight for me last year. 145 will be perfect. I won't have to buy any new clothes at 145. I'm not sure that's the case if I reach 140.

And I know I can run much faster at 145. That's another motivation, of course.

I'll be keeping it real here. You guys are my accountability people. Hold me accountable.

Oh, and tomorrow is my first psychiatrist appointment. I haven't taken wellbutrin for a week now. I've been on a down cycle since Thursday, so I'm not sure if that's a withdrawal effect or if it's my normal mid-cycle blahs (which is what it feels like). But I'm no longer going up & down on a daily basis, which is what was happening a month ago. I still feel broken, though. I hope the doctor can fix me.

***
Random Twilight chatter: Finished Eclipse yesterday afternoon & read Breaking Dawn until 1 a.m. No wonder people plow through these. I couldn't put them down. Yesterday I pretty much zoned out with Edward & Bella all day. I'm only 250ish pages in, and I wish I could finish it today. It will be this week, I'm sure. Too bad I've got to work and can't read for a living.

Wednesday Brain Dump

I'm not feeling very coherent today, but it's been a while since I posted so I figured I ought to at least get an update out here.

On the weight front, I was 158.2 yesterday. I'm heading in the right direction, albeit slowly. I've not been very strict with my food & I only worked out twice last week, so I suppose I should be happy with the loss since vacation.

I finally got to run outside yesterday. The sun was hot, but the humidity was down & it was in the low 80s. It felt great to finally run on pavement again. I'd missed it terribly.

My free time lately has been taken up with the Twilight series. I read Twilight on vacation, then read New Moon last week (not the best book to read if you're already in vacation let-down mode... the middle section is quite depressing). I watched the movie on Monday, and again on Tuesday. I'm reading Eclipse now. I love this series. I don't want to finish the books too quickly, because I want the relationships with these characters to go on, but they are so hard to put down. So it's a catch 22. I did find the author's website has an unpublished manuscript from Edward's point of view, so at least I'll have that to read once I finish Breaking Dawn. & New Moon the movie comes out in November. Thankfully my circle of girlfriends are gaga over Edward, too, so we are all going together to the movie.

Our 4th of July weekend is already packed with plans. Hopefully the rain will stay away because our plans include 2 pool parties.

I'm planning another run this afternoon if the rain stays away. It should be even cooler today than yesterday.

On the mental health front, I've got an appointment to see a psychiatrist on July 7th. I've been weaning myself off of wellbutrin, & it's helping the mood swings get farther apart. I'm feeling down today, but yesterday I felt great. I can tell this is a downward cycle today. I'm so glad I'm getting help & pray we get the meds figured out before I go through another winter SAD season. I'm just ready to get off this roller coaster ride that's been my life since I was a teenager.

Sophie is doing great. We are so blessed. Whether it's the ADHD meds or the migraine meds, something is keeping her dizzy spells away. She's not had one since May 7th, and that one lasted only 4 days, and before that she'd had a long spell in mid March. I do not think it's a coincidence that she started straterra on March 14th, and since then she's had one spell that lasted 4 days. When I looked up medications that treat migraine, straterra was listed. She's really slimmed down this summer, too. I bought her size 14 shorts from Justice in March, and they are falling off of her. She can wear her 10s from last summer. She's getting taller & her legs are getting longer and I think she's thinning out from being more active.

Luke is a charmer. Still. Love that boy.

Mark is struggling lately. He's under a lot of stress, hasn't been able to work out since vacation. He can't find his groove. I'm praying for him & doing whatever I can to help, which isn't much. He's got a lot on his plate.

It's July. That means Christmas will be here next week. Seriously, when July 1st gets here, it's all down hill till the end of the year. Time flies so quickly in the summer and fall months.

Hope you all enjoy the fireworks on Saturday.

Real life doesn't suck

I still don't have enough time to blog, or read your blogs which is most unfortunate for me, but thought I'd put up a quickie post. Work is crazy, home is a mess (I just unpacked last night, & am still doing my laundry from the trip), and summer evenings are late for the family. Not much time for the things I love, like blogging.

Monday was horrible. I was so vacation sick, it tore me up inside. I didn't want real life. I wanted my island life back.

Tuesday was better. Getting to workout helped. Yesterday was full fledged normal, & it felt good. I decided that I can deal with real life as it is, & maybe even work to make it better.

Tuesday I ran 2 miles on the treadmill (dangerously hot here) & lifted weights on actual weight machines at the gym. First time I've done that at the Y. It's probably been 10 years since I touched a weight machine. Lucky for me they are mostly idiot proof. Whatever I did was effective since I've got sore muscles.

Yesterday I walked 2 miles with my friend at the Y while our kids had swim lessons. Not much, but better than nothing.

Tonight I'm running 30 minutes & lifting weights for 30 minutes.

I'm building up some consistency with working out before I increase the amount of time I exercise. I went 2 weeks without any exercise. I missed it terribly.

Unless swimming in the ocean while on vacation counts. Which sort of does, but the swimming was offset by the countless Bushwhackers I drank on St. John (the best alcoholic drink ever invented, IMO).

We did have an awesome vacation. One of these days I'll detail the fun. The pictures really tell a better story, though. I had no idea I could feel so confident & happy in a bathing suit & revealing clothing. Maybe it was the sea air. Or the drinks. Whatever, I'll take it. I had a blast.

& I was definitely not at my skinniest weight on this trip. I weighed 157 when we left. I weighed 161 when we got home. Yesterday I was down to 159.8. I've got some work to do, but something strange is going on with me. I care about my weight, & I'm working on getting back into my comfy zone of 150-152, but I'm not destroyed over the gain. I'm not walking around all mopey & depressed because my body isn't perfect.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not "giving up" & staying at 159--I can't run fast for very long and my pants are snugger than I like. But I still look great. And I feel great. So why obsess over 10 lousy pounds? They'll come off as they come off, while I'm living my life healthfully & happily.

I think it was being able to physically do so much on St John--like swimming, hiking, walking, without ever feeling out of shape or tired--& look so good on St John, & be so happy on St John. The vacation mojo has carried over to real life. I hope it sticks around for a long long time.

Fabulous

I'll write more when I have a minute--catching up from vacation is going to take weeks.

But I wanted to share a few pictures & let you all know we had the best time.

I found the blue dress on St John. My girlfriends convinced me to buy it. I'm so glad I did, because it made me feel beautiful.

We'll get there fast & then we'll take it slow

Friday we leave for the first real vacation we've had in years. Just me & Mark & 3 other couples who are our closest friends. Mom is keeping my kids for 9 days.

We'll have 7 days in St. John in a hugely gorgeous house on top of a mountain overlooking the ocean. We are taking a sail trip to the British Virgin Islands one day on a great big boat, with real sails & everything, & we will be the only 8 passengers. Other than that trip, we have no plans (the guys are doing a deep sea fishing trip another day, but we girls are plan-less).

I am so excited I'm about to pee my pants. Oh, wait, I just drank a liter of water. That's not excitement.....

But before Friday afternoon gets here (we drive to Chicago & fly out on Saturday morning), I have a crazy stack of stuff to do. Won't even give you the details. Just imagine packing your family up for separate trips & getting all the work done at the office, & trying to make sure nothing falls through the cracks.

On top of that, it's VBS week at our church. I'm not teaching, but the kids are there from 6-8 each night, & I am watching three kids in the nursery (VBS helper's toddlers) on Monday (yesterday) & Tuesday. It's quite a loony bin at our house.

Let me rewind a bit to Sunday. I got up at 5:30 a.m. & ran 6 miles before church. It was so great. I felt amazing & energized. Could have run a few more miles if I'd had time. Topped off my week at 16 miles, so not 20, but not horrible. It was still 4 days of running & 1 day of Shred DVD.

Flash forward to Monday morning. I weighed 158.0. Not so good. 6 pounds more than my comfy weight. 10 pounds more than my skinny weight. I want to be my skinny weight, less about 5 pounds.

So I've got some work to do when I get back from vacation. We did eat out twice on Sunday (once at lunch for a faux-Father's Day for Mark, since we'll be driving home from Chicago on 6/21, and once at dinner--Mexican--with friends). So I've got a wee bit of water to drop.

But mostly it's fat. I can see it & feel it. Which is a bummer since I'll be living in my swimsuit next week.

I don't mind, though. I'm still 50 pounds lighter than I was 3 summers ago. I still look great in my clothes. I still feel good. I'll be able to DO everything--snorkel, swim, hike, walk. And I can wear whatever I want, walk everywhere without being exhausted, not be embarrassed about what I put in my mouth, smile a real smile for the camera and not dread the image on the screen. A much different vacation than it would have been a mere 30 months ago.

I have a lot of work to do to get out of town. & I have a lot of work to do when I get home, on many fronts. In between, there's gonna be no work at all.

It's going to be all play. And joy. And peace. And fun.

Peace out until I return!

Backbend!

I got home from work tonight, after running 3 miles in the most gorgeous weather, to find my children as sweet as sweet can be. I love it when they are like that.

They were on the floor playing & Sophie decided to do a backbend. She's been able to do them since she was 5, when she took gymnastics for 6 months (she has balance issues & could never master walking across the balance beam, so we switched to swimming).

Anyway, every so often she breaks out into backbends like some people break into song. She challenges herself to see how long she can hold them. Tonight she got all the way to a count of 94 (we are counting fast). She was so proud of herself. (As I am writing this she tried again, after having dinner & resting a while, & got to 105! Her goal was to hit 100...I love that she sets goals for herself.)

I was proud of her too.

Before she did the long one, she did a few quick ones. & I got on the floor with her to see if I could do one. I had tried to a while back--can't remember if it was this year or last. I remember being able to get myself about half way up, & that was it.

Tonight I went right up. It wasn't easy, but I was surprised at how strong I felt & how I lifted from my core & went all the way up, lifting my head off the floor & everything.

I did it 4 more times, just to make sure it wasn't a fluke.

Then we did a few pushups & we worked on Sophie's form some more. She did one really solid push up (on her knees) & I think she finally "got" where her arms & butt were supposed to go. We'll continue to work on it.

She's getting so tall (she's 4'5''! at 8 years old!). & her belly is not flat, but she's thinning down a lot and it doesn't bother her like it used to. I think if we continue her swimming & we work on strength at home (& continue to talk about nutrition even though her diet is far from perfect), we'll make baby steps in the right direction--which is healthy & strong & confident.

More than anything, I want to be the example that I never had growing up. I want her to see a mom who is strong, & is happy with how she looks, & isn't obsessive about the scale or food or exercise or extra fat on her body. I want her to know I like myself.

Because some day, some day way too soon, someone's going to say, "You are just like your mother." And I want her to smile & say, "Thank you. That's the greatest compliment you could give me."

It's an UP Day

No, this isn't a review of the new Pixar movie UP (but we did see it Saturday at the drive in & it was wonderful--actually a better grown up movie than kid movie, IMO, but the kids loved it, too).

I'm feeling good today. Up.

Which I will take over down any day.

Yesterday afternoon I didn't get out of work until almost 5, so I picked up the kids & decided I would do the 30 Day Shred the minute I got home. And I did. Not the exact minute, but before I did anything else significant, I worked out. With my kids. It was so great.

I stopped the DVD several times to help Sophie with her form. She cried a little after I helped her do some pushups. She told me how she couldn't do pushups the right way--getting up on her toes & getting her forehead all the way to the floor is what the gym teacher at school tells them to do (what's up with that!). I reassured her we'd work on making her upper body stronger & she didn't have to get her forehead to the floor. We worked on her squat form too. Luke lifted his little blue 2 pound weights merrily as could be. They both got bored after about 10 minutes & went to play in Sophie's room while I finished up.

Then this morning, wonder of wonders, I got up at 5:30 a.m. and went running.

Yes I did!

And it's in no small part thanks to you guys who commented about how great it feels to get the run over with in the morning and how much better you feel during the day.

I was awake at 5:15 when I heard the dog's tags jingling. She's sectioned off in the family room/kitchen* by a gate, but the gate isn't locked so she can get through, which she does when she's heard the teeniest clap of thunder. She's such a wuss when it comes to storms (although, it had stopped storming by then, so I don't know if she'd been in Sophie's bed all night & decided to get up then, or what).

So Sophie woke up at the same time (because Lucy heads straight for her bed) & took her back to the family room, along with her pillow so she could keep Lucy company. (*The cat owns the rest of the house; he's old & he was there first so he gets the bulk of the real estate. Besides, Lucy owns the whole backyard. Earl Grey hasn't seen the outside except through a window for 10 years.)

I lay in bed for about 15 minutes & thought, what the heck? I'm going to get up & run.

I must admit, I felt pretty full of myself out there in the cloudy cool (humid) air before the sun was all the way up. I only did 3 miles, but they were good miles. I did intervals the first mile or so--running hard for 30-40 seconds then walking to recover (I'm not sure I'm up for tabata's yet. Those look freaking hard.)

Tonight my girlfriend who's a hairdresser is highlighting me back to blonde, just in time for our island vacation in a little over a week. I. can't. wait.

*****
Here's the scoop on the roller coaster that is my emotional state. I called my primary GP yesterday morning & saw him in the afternoon. I described what was going on with me. He explained that wellbutrin can trigger anxiety in some people, & it can make some people feel like they are on a roller coaster. I agreed--the 300 mg I was taking last winter made me supremely anxious & we switched back down to 150 mg. He also reiterated that I am on wellbutrin because it's the only depression med that doesn't cause weight gain. Right again.

At this point, I'm a little nervous that he's going to suggest another antidepressant. Thankfully, he doesn't.

He goes right into a discussion of bipolar disorder.

He confirmed what I had researched online (God bless the internet). Classic manic/depressives (what it used to be called before the bipolar label came into fashion) can, for example, have two weeks of severe depression, unable to get out of bed or function at all. Then they can have two weeks of euphoria, spending thousands of dollars or going on other types of sprees (drugs, sex, cleaning, you name it). They cycle back & forth. This was treated by lithium in the old days.

Now they know that there are many types of bipolar disorders. He thinks I might be a bipolar despressive. And he said the medication used to treat that is not one he prescribes.

He referred me to a psychiatrist. He has one in mind who he is going to pull strings to get me into. They will send me intake paperwork, then we'll eventually get around to an appointment. I don't know how long it will be, but at least I am heading in the right direction.

In the mean time, he wants me to stay on the wellbutrin, although I have reservations about this--what I read, wellbutrin can cause mood disorders to cycle faster, which makes perfect sense with what I've been going through. I may have always had this bipolar dysfunction in some fashion; the wellbutrin has just amplified it so I actually notice it more because the ups & downs are more frequent. But, I'm not stopping it until I'm put on something else. Can't just stop a powerful medication like that.

When I look back at how my dad behaved in my childhood, I think he may have the same mood disorder problem too. He's been on antidepressants for at least 20 years. I'm guessing it's still prozac or zoloft. I don't know. I haven't talked with him since his birthday last September. That's a story for the psychologist, not for here.

It feels good to know there's a next step in progress.

20 miles, but I want more

I love having goals. Goals make me do what I need to do, even when I don't want to do them. I don't meet every goal I set, but for some reason goals for exercise really work for me. Especially in the running department.

Last week I ran 20.06 miles over 5 days. I had two days where I only had about 25 minutes to workout. I could have easily shucked it & not run. Both days I had to drive to the gym to go running (one day was Sophie's swim class, so I was there already, but it was still on the treadmill). I ran 2 miles on each of those days. Not much, but they helped give me a mental boost and since I ran them fast I burned a fair amount of calories.

Something is better than nothing, any day.

The other three running days were 3.4, 8.5, and 4. The 8.5 mile run was on Saturday. The 4 mile was on Sunday.

I'm taking today off.

My May mileage is 72.32 miles. That's the most miles I've run in ANY month. Ever. Even without the 13.1 miles from the Half Marathon on May 2nd, it's a decent running month.

As I've said before, my goal is to run 20 miles a week for several months to get ready to train for next year's marathon. I know I can do it. I've succeeded now 2 of the past 3 weeks.

But, you know, I have to wonder if this 20 miles a week thing is a good idea.

Primarily because I haven't lost any weight from the increased mileage. I know, I know. Weight loss is absolutely, positively 80% diet, 20% exercise (in the real world, anyway. I don't have 6 hours a day to workout like they do on The Biggest Loser). And my diet has been far from where it needs to be if I want to get these pesky 10 pounds off.

And I'm not lifting weights or doing any resistance workouts. It truly takes 5 days a week--at least for now--for me to get in 20 miles. I need those two rest days. But I need to build my muscles, too.

I want balance in my exercise life. All running & no other exercise to round out my fitness is not balance.

Obviously, if I want to do all that I want to do, I need to make time to workout more than once a day on some days. The idea of that is quite appealing. I'd love to do a pilates DVD or Jillian's 30 Day Shred in the a.m. and then run in the afternoon. Or vice versa, since the temp today is going to be (gulp) 91 degrees.

It's that a.m. workout that is going to be the problem.

Mornings & me don't mix. And unless it's for a race, mornings & me & exercise don't mix.

I'm going to have to figure out a reward of some kind that's motivating enough to get my butt out of bed at 5 a.m. to do something about this dilemma. Fitness for fitness sake would be nice, but I'm not there yet. I need something else, I think. I need a goal & I need a reward.

Any ideas?

***

Thank you for all your comments to my past two posts. I'm waiting to hear back from a couple of people on recommendations, then I'll make that tough first call. "Yes, hello, I'm broken & I need to be fixed." It's okay though. I know I could be broken into a thousand little pieces, and I'm not. Maybe just 5 or 6. It would be really great if I could get into one solid piece. Hopefully I'll find the help I need to get there.