No, this isn't a review of the new Pixar movie UP (but we did see it Saturday at the drive in & it was wonderful--actually a better grown up movie than kid movie, IMO, but the kids loved it, too).
I'm feeling good today. Up.
Which I will take over down any day.
Yesterday afternoon I didn't get out of work until almost 5, so I picked up the kids & decided I would do the 30 Day Shred the minute I got home. And I did. Not the exact minute, but before I did anything else significant, I worked out. With my kids. It was so great.
I stopped the DVD several times to help Sophie with her form. She cried a little after I helped her do some pushups. She told me how she couldn't do pushups the right way--getting up on her toes & getting her forehead all the way to the floor is what the gym teacher at school tells them to do (what's up with that!). I reassured her we'd work on making her upper body stronger & she didn't have to get her forehead to the floor. We worked on her squat form too. Luke lifted his little blue 2 pound weights merrily as could be. They both got bored after about 10 minutes & went to play in Sophie's room while I finished up.
Then this morning, wonder of wonders, I got up at 5:30 a.m. and went running.
Yes I did!
And it's in no small part thanks to you guys who commented about how great it feels to get the run over with in the morning and how much better you feel during the day.
I was awake at 5:15 when I heard the dog's tags jingling. She's sectioned off in the family room/kitchen* by a gate, but the gate isn't locked so she can get through, which she does when she's heard the teeniest clap of thunder. She's such a wuss when it comes to storms (although, it had stopped storming by then, so I don't know if she'd been in Sophie's bed all night & decided to get up then, or what).
So Sophie woke up at the same time (because Lucy heads straight for her bed) & took her back to the family room, along with her pillow so she could keep Lucy company. (*The cat owns the rest of the house; he's old & he was there first so he gets the bulk of the real estate. Besides, Lucy owns the whole backyard. Earl Grey hasn't seen the outside except through a window for 10 years.)
I lay in bed for about 15 minutes & thought, what the heck? I'm going to get up & run.
I must admit, I felt pretty full of myself out there in the cloudy cool (humid) air before the sun was all the way up. I only did 3 miles, but they were good miles. I did intervals the first mile or so--running hard for 30-40 seconds then walking to recover (I'm not sure I'm up for tabata's yet. Those look freaking hard.)
Tonight my girlfriend who's a hairdresser is highlighting me back to blonde, just in time for our island vacation in a little over a week. I. can't. wait.
Here's the scoop on the roller coaster that is my emotional state. I called my primary GP yesterday morning & saw him in the afternoon. I described what was going on with me. He explained that wellbutrin can trigger anxiety in some people, & it can make some people feel like they are on a roller coaster. I agreed--the 300 mg I was taking last winter made me supremely anxious & we switched back down to 150 mg. He also reiterated that I am on wellbutrin because it's the only depression med that doesn't cause weight gain. Right again.
At this point, I'm a little nervous that he's going to suggest another antidepressant. Thankfully, he doesn't.
He goes right into a discussion of bipolar disorder.
He confirmed what I had researched online (God bless the internet). Classic manic/depressives (what it used to be called before the bipolar label came into fashion) can, for example, have two weeks of severe depression, unable to get out of bed or function at all. Then they can have two weeks of euphoria, spending thousands of dollars or going on other types of sprees (drugs, sex, cleaning, you name it). They cycle back & forth. This was treated by lithium in the old days.
Now they know that there are many types of bipolar disorders. He thinks I might be a bipolar despressive. And he said the medication used to treat that is not one he prescribes.
He referred me to a psychiatrist. He has one in mind who he is going to pull strings to get me into. They will send me intake paperwork, then we'll eventually get around to an appointment. I don't know how long it will be, but at least I am heading in the right direction.
In the mean time, he wants me to stay on the wellbutrin, although I have reservations about this--what I read, wellbutrin can cause mood disorders to cycle faster, which makes perfect sense with what I've been going through. I may have always had this bipolar dysfunction in some fashion; the wellbutrin has just amplified it so I actually notice it more because the ups & downs are more frequent. But, I'm not stopping it until I'm put on something else. Can't just stop a powerful medication like that.
When I look back at how my dad behaved in my childhood, I think he may have the same mood disorder problem too. He's been on antidepressants for at least 20 years. I'm guessing it's still prozac or zoloft. I don't know. I haven't talked with him since his birthday last September. That's a story for the psychologist, not for here.
It feels good to know there's a next step in progress.