Real quick--the doctor at the Children's Hospital diagnosed Sophie's dizzy spells as migraine precursors, and will treat her with a preventative (which she has never taken before) & also prescribed an abortive medication for the next episode (we'll see if that works--another type of med has not helped in the past). The doctor also wants to do a new MRI, because Sophie's balance is abnormal. She can't walk heel-toe, heel-toe at all; she completely loses balances. She's always been like this, ever since she saw the first neurologist when she was 3 (I don't know if she had the problem before that, because you don't usually ask a toddler to do the heel-toe test!). But the doctor thinks the balance issue, along with the dizzy spells, are reason enough to redo the MRI since it's been 4 years since her last one.
I'll write more soon.
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Monday, April 06, 2009
Where'd spring (& my good mood) go?
Not to be a big whiny baby, but WTH? It's snowing. In Southern Indiana. In April.
This bites.
Not only did a big ole low pressure system come through & screw with my upbeat attitude, but I'm also in my mid-cycle hormone feel-like-sh!t zone. Yeah, I'm one fun gal to be around today.
So let's reminisce a moment to the weekend (queue flashback video & sound effects....).
Friday night was fun. Both the kids were healthy & spent the night with my mom. We saw Adventureland, which was super good & perfect for a date night. Saturday morning I slept until 8 a.m. It was a gorgeous day, one of the best of the year. I lazed around for a couple of hours & finally at 11:30 headed out for my 8 mile run.
It was by far NOT the best run ever. Actually, it was pretty hard. I didn't take water with me, & instead just circled back to the house after 4 miles and then after 7 miles, and I think not having water every mile was part of the problem. My garmin running watch said "battery low" after 3 miles, and I felt like it was a metaphor for how I felt. Garmy & I both made the entire 8 miles, but just barely. I did have moments of beauty on the run, where I felt great, but mostly I was just glad to have it over with. They can't all be winners.
I soaked in the tub for almost an hour afterwards (AH!). Then the usual Saturday chores commenced. Got the kids back around 5 p.m. It was nice to have a break but I missed the munchkins.
Sunday was beautiful again, at least during the morning. We were able to have our church Easter egg hunt & Palm Sunday church dinner. The kids had a blast. It was hard on Mark, though, missing his brother during a holiday. Keith would often come up while their mom was still alive & have Palm Sunday church dinner with us. Keith loved family events. So Mark was a bit melancholy.
The afternoon it rained & got cold. I could feel the low pressure system pushing me down as the day wore on, and I didn't do much of anything. Sunday afternoon always goes by too quickly.
This morning it was so weird putting on winter clothes & getting our coats back out. I packed work out clothes & am prepared for a cold outside run or a warm indoor run. If it's not snowing or raining, I'll run outside this afternoon. I'll hit the Y if it's wet out.
Sophie has her appointment in St Louis this Wednesday for her dizzy spells. We (she & I) are leaving at 4 a.m. That's going to be one special trick to get me up at 3 a.m.! Thank goodness for automatic coffee makers.
I may not be around much more until Thursday. Hopefully by then we'll have warmer weather again. And my upbeat mojo will have returned, too.
This bites.
Not only did a big ole low pressure system come through & screw with my upbeat attitude, but I'm also in my mid-cycle hormone feel-like-sh!t zone. Yeah, I'm one fun gal to be around today.
So let's reminisce a moment to the weekend (queue flashback video & sound effects....).
Friday night was fun. Both the kids were healthy & spent the night with my mom. We saw Adventureland, which was super good & perfect for a date night. Saturday morning I slept until 8 a.m. It was a gorgeous day, one of the best of the year. I lazed around for a couple of hours & finally at 11:30 headed out for my 8 mile run.
It was by far NOT the best run ever. Actually, it was pretty hard. I didn't take water with me, & instead just circled back to the house after 4 miles and then after 7 miles, and I think not having water every mile was part of the problem. My garmin running watch said "battery low" after 3 miles, and I felt like it was a metaphor for how I felt. Garmy & I both made the entire 8 miles, but just barely. I did have moments of beauty on the run, where I felt great, but mostly I was just glad to have it over with. They can't all be winners.
I soaked in the tub for almost an hour afterwards (AH!). Then the usual Saturday chores commenced. Got the kids back around 5 p.m. It was nice to have a break but I missed the munchkins.
Sunday was beautiful again, at least during the morning. We were able to have our church Easter egg hunt & Palm Sunday church dinner. The kids had a blast. It was hard on Mark, though, missing his brother during a holiday. Keith would often come up while their mom was still alive & have Palm Sunday church dinner with us. Keith loved family events. So Mark was a bit melancholy.
The afternoon it rained & got cold. I could feel the low pressure system pushing me down as the day wore on, and I didn't do much of anything. Sunday afternoon always goes by too quickly.
This morning it was so weird putting on winter clothes & getting our coats back out. I packed work out clothes & am prepared for a cold outside run or a warm indoor run. If it's not snowing or raining, I'll run outside this afternoon. I'll hit the Y if it's wet out.
Sophie has her appointment in St Louis this Wednesday for her dizzy spells. We (she & I) are leaving at 4 a.m. That's going to be one special trick to get me up at 3 a.m.! Thank goodness for automatic coffee makers.
I may not be around much more until Thursday. Hopefully by then we'll have warmer weather again. And my upbeat mojo will have returned, too.
Friday, April 03, 2009
Blame it on the rain
So yesterday I kept checking weather.com to see when the rain was supposed to arrive. I wanted to get in a run before it hit, & thought that I'd be safe since the chance of rain was low until after 6 p.m.
No such luck. It started to thunder & pour down rain, complete with tornado warnings, at 4:00 p.m.
I left the office right after that to run a few errands before picking up the kids. I had changed into my running clothes already, & was planning on taking them to the Y and just run on the treadmill. But by the time I had my errands done & had picked them both up--which took longer than usual because it was really bad out & everyone was driving slowly & safely--it was almost 6 p.m. Getting home at 7 p.m. on a school night is just not an option with a 1st grader who has homework almost every night.
So I didn't run. I was disappointed, but figured it would just be my rest night.
But, wait! There's more!
I kept my running clothes on while getting the kids dinner, and when I finally got around to checking the mail I discovered my new running shoes had arrived (I'd found a pair of the same shoes I already have online, on sale, & snatched them up because my old pair is worn out). New shoes always make me feel good, especially new running shoes. I put them on & was surprised, as always, at how much more support a new pair of shoes has. I suddenly had an urge to break them in, and break them in NOW!
DH was home last night, & it stopped raining just before sundown. I wore my new kicks around while helping Sophie with her hour's worth of homework, and by 7:45 p.m. got the all clear to hit the road.
It was only 3 miles, but it was one of the best runs I've had in a long time.
The new medicine for my asthma (advair) seems to be helping. I was able to run the entire time, only stopping once after mile one to take off my long sleeved outer layer. But I didn't take any other walk breaks. I felt strong, like I could have run for miles and miles.
It started to lightly sprinkle as I finished up at around 8:20, so I figured 3 miles would be enough for the night. Plus, I promised DH I'd only be out for a half hour. I averaged just over 11 minute miles, which is slow but OK.
The rain ended up being a blessing. I love night time runs, and a night run after the rain has washed the air clean is pure gold.
On tap for tomorrow--8 miles. Stay tuned!
No such luck. It started to thunder & pour down rain, complete with tornado warnings, at 4:00 p.m.
I left the office right after that to run a few errands before picking up the kids. I had changed into my running clothes already, & was planning on taking them to the Y and just run on the treadmill. But by the time I had my errands done & had picked them both up--which took longer than usual because it was really bad out & everyone was driving slowly & safely--it was almost 6 p.m. Getting home at 7 p.m. on a school night is just not an option with a 1st grader who has homework almost every night.
So I didn't run. I was disappointed, but figured it would just be my rest night.
But, wait! There's more!
I kept my running clothes on while getting the kids dinner, and when I finally got around to checking the mail I discovered my new running shoes had arrived (I'd found a pair of the same shoes I already have online, on sale, & snatched them up because my old pair is worn out). New shoes always make me feel good, especially new running shoes. I put them on & was surprised, as always, at how much more support a new pair of shoes has. I suddenly had an urge to break them in, and break them in NOW!
DH was home last night, & it stopped raining just before sundown. I wore my new kicks around while helping Sophie with her hour's worth of homework, and by 7:45 p.m. got the all clear to hit the road.
It was only 3 miles, but it was one of the best runs I've had in a long time.
The new medicine for my asthma (advair) seems to be helping. I was able to run the entire time, only stopping once after mile one to take off my long sleeved outer layer. But I didn't take any other walk breaks. I felt strong, like I could have run for miles and miles.
It started to lightly sprinkle as I finished up at around 8:20, so I figured 3 miles would be enough for the night. Plus, I promised DH I'd only be out for a half hour. I averaged just over 11 minute miles, which is slow but OK.
The rain ended up being a blessing. I love night time runs, and a night run after the rain has washed the air clean is pure gold.
On tap for tomorrow--8 miles. Stay tuned!
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Fool's Day Facts
Ever have one of those days where you'd love to write something witty & inspiring, but you got nothin'? That's me today. So just the facts, ma'am, is what you'll find here on April Fool's Day.
*I ran my least favorite distance Monday afternoon--less than 3 miles. I only had 30 minutes & squeezed out a measly 2.75 miles. I hate running that short a distance. Basically you get all the pain with none of the endorphin pleasure.
*I took a Body Pump class at the Y yesterday afternoon. It rocked! I have missed weights classes so very much. I've got puny muscles, though, & have a long way to go to get back to where I was last year. The good thing is that I know within 3-4 weeks I'll be feeling strong & already noticing a difference. & hopefully by the time we go on vacation in mid June I'll have the definition I'm longing for. Two times a week is the goal for this class.
*This afternoon I'm planning a run, hopefully 5 miles. The weather is gorgeous. A spot of sunshine between a sandwich of stormy days.
*Food has not been according to the Crack diet, unfortunately. I just couldn't muster the strength. Monday night I was so hungry, I just gave it up. It's not realistic to think I can do this low carb plan--even though it's only low carb on part of the days--just a few weeks out from my half marathon. So I'm not going to have a plan. I'm going to eat the best I can, workout like a fiend, & keep reminding myself of my goals.
*Which are: weigh 149 by the Half on 5/2 & weigh less than 145 by vacation on 6/13.
*And additionally: Finish the Indy half in 2:15:00, which requires a lower body weight. And wear my boy-shorts bathing suit from last year in St. John, which also requires a lower body weight, lower body fat content, & higher muscle definition.
*Sophie's ADHD medicine seems to be helping. We did her 20 spelling words last night & she only missed one. That's a huge improvement.
*Mark sees a cardiologist for his initial consult on April 15th. Our GP doc agreed that he needs the real deal heart screening--the invasive one that reveals artery blockage, not a simple stress test. Mark's still working out daily & is eating like a heart patient. No fat, no junk. He's already lost 5 pounds!
*Luke is very much a 3 year old, in every sense of what a 3 year old can be. And he gives the absolute best hugs ever.
*Random TV Chatter:
I finally saw the movie of Sex & the City last weekend. I disliked the first half and thought it was manipulative & overacted, but I loved the 2nd half after Jennifer Hudson joined the show. She was wonderful. I thought it was impossible for Sarah Jessica to be any thinner, but seriously thought she was leaner than she'd ever been (she & Cynthia Nixon, who looked amazing). And I still adore Big, & love how the movie ended with the love letters.
I've got one more episode of season 2 of The Tudors to watch on DVD. Very much looking forward to season 3. I want to read about the actual history now that I've seen the "Dallas"-style version of Henry VIII's life. I love this series--it's beyond decadent. Henry is the bad guy you love to hate, just like J.R.
Still haven't watched TBL or Idol this week. Hopefully tonight I'll get them both in after the kids are in bed, while Mark's at class.
*That's all for now, kids. Hope you are all enjoying spring, even if yours is covered in snow.
*I ran my least favorite distance Monday afternoon--less than 3 miles. I only had 30 minutes & squeezed out a measly 2.75 miles. I hate running that short a distance. Basically you get all the pain with none of the endorphin pleasure.
*I took a Body Pump class at the Y yesterday afternoon. It rocked! I have missed weights classes so very much. I've got puny muscles, though, & have a long way to go to get back to where I was last year. The good thing is that I know within 3-4 weeks I'll be feeling strong & already noticing a difference. & hopefully by the time we go on vacation in mid June I'll have the definition I'm longing for. Two times a week is the goal for this class.
*This afternoon I'm planning a run, hopefully 5 miles. The weather is gorgeous. A spot of sunshine between a sandwich of stormy days.
*Food has not been according to the Crack diet, unfortunately. I just couldn't muster the strength. Monday night I was so hungry, I just gave it up. It's not realistic to think I can do this low carb plan--even though it's only low carb on part of the days--just a few weeks out from my half marathon. So I'm not going to have a plan. I'm going to eat the best I can, workout like a fiend, & keep reminding myself of my goals.
*Which are: weigh 149 by the Half on 5/2 & weigh less than 145 by vacation on 6/13.
*And additionally: Finish the Indy half in 2:15:00, which requires a lower body weight. And wear my boy-shorts bathing suit from last year in St. John, which also requires a lower body weight, lower body fat content, & higher muscle definition.
*Sophie's ADHD medicine seems to be helping. We did her 20 spelling words last night & she only missed one. That's a huge improvement.
*Mark sees a cardiologist for his initial consult on April 15th. Our GP doc agreed that he needs the real deal heart screening--the invasive one that reveals artery blockage, not a simple stress test. Mark's still working out daily & is eating like a heart patient. No fat, no junk. He's already lost 5 pounds!
*Luke is very much a 3 year old, in every sense of what a 3 year old can be. And he gives the absolute best hugs ever.
*Random TV Chatter:
I finally saw the movie of Sex & the City last weekend. I disliked the first half and thought it was manipulative & overacted, but I loved the 2nd half after Jennifer Hudson joined the show. She was wonderful. I thought it was impossible for Sarah Jessica to be any thinner, but seriously thought she was leaner than she'd ever been (she & Cynthia Nixon, who looked amazing). And I still adore Big, & love how the movie ended with the love letters.
I've got one more episode of season 2 of The Tudors to watch on DVD. Very much looking forward to season 3. I want to read about the actual history now that I've seen the "Dallas"-style version of Henry VIII's life. I love this series--it's beyond decadent. Henry is the bad guy you love to hate, just like J.R.
Still haven't watched TBL or Idol this week. Hopefully tonight I'll get them both in after the kids are in bed, while Mark's at class.
*That's all for now, kids. Hope you are all enjoying spring, even if yours is covered in snow.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Whassup on a Monday
First, thank you all for your condolences & advice & thoughts & prayers. It means so much to have the love & support of my blog friends. So, thanks!
Okay, now for the run down of what's going on around here.
We joined the YMCA Friday, as promised, & we both worked out for almost 50 minutes. I ran 4 miles & DH did the elliptical the whole time. I'm having more difficulty breathing again, so my miles were hard & not consistently fast by any means. It was the first time I've been on a treadmill in ages, and it was a nice change. I like being able to control my speed. I sprinted the last .3 miles just to get the run over with, and plus I love running sub-9 min/mile, even if it's only for a couple minutes. It makes me feel like a rockstar.
Mark worked out Saturday & Sunday (which is twice more than I worked out), and is taking complete responsibility for eating well. He is serious about cutting out salt & fat & red meat. He made homemade salsa last night with no salt or sugar; he added it with mushed up pinto beans & wild rice to heart-healthy LF wheat wraps, and said he didn't miss the fat/cheese/salt at all. That's progress. I just pray he keeps at it! Truly, it's a day at a time (although, a planned day at a time--you can't eat healthfully without planning ahead).
He is going to the doctor today at 3 p.m. & asking to be referred to a cardiologist (and thank you Annimal for your being so adamant about us doing that--I'm not sure I'd have felt so strongly about him being treated like a cardiac patient without your encouragement!). My doctor's appointment is at 3:15 (same doctor--follow up for blood pressure meds & antidepressants, & I'm going to get my asthma treatment updated).
I can really tell the wellbutrin is working again and/or my SAD is gone, because yesterday afternoon the kids both were cranky & not feeling great & whiny as could be, and I didn't lose it once. I never got impatient, never raised my voice, never hid in the bathroom with a bar of chocolate. These are big victories, to be sure.
My food's not been great, but I'm not eating to soothe myself. The weather here was crap all weekend & I used it as an excuse not to run at all. I know I could have gone to the Y, but if I ran it was going to be 8 miles or nothing. Do you know how hard it is to run 8 miles on a treadmill? It sucks, so I just never did it. But, whatever. Today's a new day. Planning on running after the doctor. And tomorrow I'm taking a Body Pump class at the Y. Cannot wait to lift weights again!!!
I'm trying to start the Crack diet again. So far I'm on track today, but I need to shop & cook for the rest of the week and I'm not sure if I'll have time to do that tonight. We'll see. I very much want to weigh 149 when I run the Indy half on May 2. I'm probably about 7-8 pounds away, so it's doable. But it's going to take work.
Ah, well. Anything worthwhile requires serious effort.
Okay, now for the run down of what's going on around here.
We joined the YMCA Friday, as promised, & we both worked out for almost 50 minutes. I ran 4 miles & DH did the elliptical the whole time. I'm having more difficulty breathing again, so my miles were hard & not consistently fast by any means. It was the first time I've been on a treadmill in ages, and it was a nice change. I like being able to control my speed. I sprinted the last .3 miles just to get the run over with, and plus I love running sub-9 min/mile, even if it's only for a couple minutes. It makes me feel like a rockstar.
Mark worked out Saturday & Sunday (which is twice more than I worked out), and is taking complete responsibility for eating well. He is serious about cutting out salt & fat & red meat. He made homemade salsa last night with no salt or sugar; he added it with mushed up pinto beans & wild rice to heart-healthy LF wheat wraps, and said he didn't miss the fat/cheese/salt at all. That's progress. I just pray he keeps at it! Truly, it's a day at a time (although, a planned day at a time--you can't eat healthfully without planning ahead).
He is going to the doctor today at 3 p.m. & asking to be referred to a cardiologist (and thank you Annimal for your being so adamant about us doing that--I'm not sure I'd have felt so strongly about him being treated like a cardiac patient without your encouragement!). My doctor's appointment is at 3:15 (same doctor--follow up for blood pressure meds & antidepressants, & I'm going to get my asthma treatment updated).
I can really tell the wellbutrin is working again and/or my SAD is gone, because yesterday afternoon the kids both were cranky & not feeling great & whiny as could be, and I didn't lose it once. I never got impatient, never raised my voice, never hid in the bathroom with a bar of chocolate. These are big victories, to be sure.
My food's not been great, but I'm not eating to soothe myself. The weather here was crap all weekend & I used it as an excuse not to run at all. I know I could have gone to the Y, but if I ran it was going to be 8 miles or nothing. Do you know how hard it is to run 8 miles on a treadmill? It sucks, so I just never did it. But, whatever. Today's a new day. Planning on running after the doctor. And tomorrow I'm taking a Body Pump class at the Y. Cannot wait to lift weights again!!!
I'm trying to start the Crack diet again. So far I'm on track today, but I need to shop & cook for the rest of the week and I'm not sure if I'll have time to do that tonight. We'll see. I very much want to weigh 149 when I run the Indy half on May 2. I'm probably about 7-8 pounds away, so it's doable. But it's going to take work.
Ah, well. Anything worthwhile requires serious effort.
Friday, March 27, 2009
The state of things
So I got on the scale this morning for the first time in over a week. Considering all that's been going on, it wasn't a disaster. 156.6 is about what I expected.
I ran yesterday for the first time since my 7 mile run last Saturday. 3.5 miles in 40 minutes, and most of the run sucked. I got a side stitch after a half mile that didn't go away for 2 miles. So I ran/walked until it subsided. And I'm still fighting my asthma while running and not being able to breathe easily is quite a hindrance on a run. I see my doctor on Monday & will hopefully get my inhaler situation figured out.
It's been 3 weeks since I was having panic attacks & went off wellbutrin, then went on lexapro. It's been 2 weeks since I went off the lexapro & went back on a lower dose of wellbutrin. Thank God, I feel like my brain is finally back to where it needs to be. I handled the funeral well; I was able to function & take care of my children basically by myself for 3 days without losing my mind. I'm able to do basic household chores without it feeling like I'm moving a mountain.
I'm in a total quandary about my food. Since Keith's death, food has been a big topic of conversation with members of the family. Meat of almost any kind is apparently the devil when it comes to your heart. This is only about me--not about Mark--but I do really well when I'm eating more protein in the form of meat, and eating more veggies, and eating fewer whole grain foods. But the heart healthy diet is apparently fruit, veggies, whole grains, zero fat, almost no meat, and I'm not sure what else. I haven't done my own research yet so I don't have enough information in my decision making process. I just feel like I need to get my entire household on a heart healthy diet, and despite my years & years of weight loss dieting, I don't know what the heck a heart healthy diet should consist of.
In other news, we are going to join the YMCA. Mark has got to start exercising regularly & we've talked about getting a used elliptical and treadmill, but I can't find any good cheap used ones, & I'm not spending $2,000 on two pieces of equipment that will likely end up being clothes racks. The family membership fee is $65 a month, which is a lot less than we were paying before for our Fancy Club membership. There are two locations we can use for the one monthly fee. And we can get Sophie back in swim lessons (she swam at the hotel while we were at the funeral, and after 6 months of no swimming, her strokes still looked great & she just loves swimming so much. The child needs something in her life she feels good about). Child care is free, too, so I won't have to pay extra for the kids while I work out.
I'm planning a run today, either 4 or 5 miles depending on how I feel. Then tomorrow I will run 8 miles. The Indy half is 5 weeks away & is sneaking up on me.
Every minute of peace & normalcy in my life is a gift. They are what I crave. Even though they are mostly out of my control, I'm going to do everything in my power to keep them around for a while.
I ran yesterday for the first time since my 7 mile run last Saturday. 3.5 miles in 40 minutes, and most of the run sucked. I got a side stitch after a half mile that didn't go away for 2 miles. So I ran/walked until it subsided. And I'm still fighting my asthma while running and not being able to breathe easily is quite a hindrance on a run. I see my doctor on Monday & will hopefully get my inhaler situation figured out.
It's been 3 weeks since I was having panic attacks & went off wellbutrin, then went on lexapro. It's been 2 weeks since I went off the lexapro & went back on a lower dose of wellbutrin. Thank God, I feel like my brain is finally back to where it needs to be. I handled the funeral well; I was able to function & take care of my children basically by myself for 3 days without losing my mind. I'm able to do basic household chores without it feeling like I'm moving a mountain.
I'm in a total quandary about my food. Since Keith's death, food has been a big topic of conversation with members of the family. Meat of almost any kind is apparently the devil when it comes to your heart. This is only about me--not about Mark--but I do really well when I'm eating more protein in the form of meat, and eating more veggies, and eating fewer whole grain foods. But the heart healthy diet is apparently fruit, veggies, whole grains, zero fat, almost no meat, and I'm not sure what else. I haven't done my own research yet so I don't have enough information in my decision making process. I just feel like I need to get my entire household on a heart healthy diet, and despite my years & years of weight loss dieting, I don't know what the heck a heart healthy diet should consist of.
In other news, we are going to join the YMCA. Mark has got to start exercising regularly & we've talked about getting a used elliptical and treadmill, but I can't find any good cheap used ones, & I'm not spending $2,000 on two pieces of equipment that will likely end up being clothes racks. The family membership fee is $65 a month, which is a lot less than we were paying before for our Fancy Club membership. There are two locations we can use for the one monthly fee. And we can get Sophie back in swim lessons (she swam at the hotel while we were at the funeral, and after 6 months of no swimming, her strokes still looked great & she just loves swimming so much. The child needs something in her life she feels good about). Child care is free, too, so I won't have to pay extra for the kids while I work out.
I'm planning a run today, either 4 or 5 miles depending on how I feel. Then tomorrow I will run 8 miles. The Indy half is 5 weeks away & is sneaking up on me.
Every minute of peace & normalcy in my life is a gift. They are what I crave. Even though they are mostly out of my control, I'm going to do everything in my power to keep them around for a while.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I'm here
We just got back home today. I haven't been on my computer, listened to the news, or generally been otherwise engaged with the world since last Friday. It's been all about family, kids, & mourning Keith.
Which is the way it should be.
I'll post more either Thursday or Friday.
Thank you all so very much for your thoughts & prayers. You each mean so much to me.
Which is the way it should be.
I'll post more either Thursday or Friday.
Thank you all so very much for your thoughts & prayers. You each mean so much to me.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Nothing gold can stay
This time of year, as the trees bloom and the daffodils unfold, reminds me of the famous Robert Frost poem.
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
Yesterday as I got a call from Sophie's school around 1 p.m., telling me she had a headache & was feeling dizzy, I thought of the poem again. My golden days of normal had evaporated again. My girl was back in her dark place. I picked her up, gave her some medicine, and thankfully she felt better but didn't go back to school. I didn't run, either, and generally had a really crappy night.
Then, this morning, everything has changed again.
Mark's brother died suddenly this morning of a heart attack. Keith had had two previous heart attacks in the past 3 years, so he was on medication & watching his diet & excercising. But the damage was already done & the genetic deck remained stacked against him; their dad died at age 51 of a massive heart attack, and heart disease runs through almost every family in the N. family tree.
Keith had the heart attack at work (he works--worked--night shifts) like the other two, but this time he didn't make it. He was 57. He died almost 3 years to the day from when Mark's mom died, which was on March 21, 2006.
Obviously this is going to be a very difficult weekend, & the funeral is likely going to be Monday or Tuesday. I have to be honest, though. My tears are not just for Keith & his family. I'm crying for myself, out of pure fear.
I cannot begin to express how concerned I am about my own husband's health. He's 46, is struggling with a weight gain over the past year, and hasn't exercised in months. His stress level is insane & he rarely sleeps well. Clearly, he's a walking time bomb.
It's terrifying.
He knows & I know what he needs to do to change his health. Will his brother's death make a difference? I honestly don't know.
I do know that I have always believed in my husband. I have two mottos for him that I've used to support him through the years.
The first is "Perseverance prevails when all else fails."
And, "You make the impossible, possible."
I pray that these apply to his health. I pray that despite everything that's fighting against him, God will find a way to make Mark the exception to the rule. I pray that God protects his heart while we can get his lifestyle fixed. I pray for healing of the damage in his heart that's already done. I pray that Mark doesn't let the seemingly inevitable destroy him. I pray he is lifted above this impossible situation & made whole.
Most of all, I just pray that he's not taken from me and my children until he's old, grey, crotchety, and senile. Then it will be okay. Anytime before that is simply unthinkable.
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
Yesterday as I got a call from Sophie's school around 1 p.m., telling me she had a headache & was feeling dizzy, I thought of the poem again. My golden days of normal had evaporated again. My girl was back in her dark place. I picked her up, gave her some medicine, and thankfully she felt better but didn't go back to school. I didn't run, either, and generally had a really crappy night.
Then, this morning, everything has changed again.
Mark's brother died suddenly this morning of a heart attack. Keith had had two previous heart attacks in the past 3 years, so he was on medication & watching his diet & excercising. But the damage was already done & the genetic deck remained stacked against him; their dad died at age 51 of a massive heart attack, and heart disease runs through almost every family in the N. family tree.
Keith had the heart attack at work (he works--worked--night shifts) like the other two, but this time he didn't make it. He was 57. He died almost 3 years to the day from when Mark's mom died, which was on March 21, 2006.
Obviously this is going to be a very difficult weekend, & the funeral is likely going to be Monday or Tuesday. I have to be honest, though. My tears are not just for Keith & his family. I'm crying for myself, out of pure fear.
I cannot begin to express how concerned I am about my own husband's health. He's 46, is struggling with a weight gain over the past year, and hasn't exercised in months. His stress level is insane & he rarely sleeps well. Clearly, he's a walking time bomb.
It's terrifying.
He knows & I know what he needs to do to change his health. Will his brother's death make a difference? I honestly don't know.
I do know that I have always believed in my husband. I have two mottos for him that I've used to support him through the years.
The first is "Perseverance prevails when all else fails."
And, "You make the impossible, possible."
I pray that these apply to his health. I pray that despite everything that's fighting against him, God will find a way to make Mark the exception to the rule. I pray that God protects his heart while we can get his lifestyle fixed. I pray for healing of the damage in his heart that's already done. I pray that Mark doesn't let the seemingly inevitable destroy him. I pray he is lifted above this impossible situation & made whole.
Most of all, I just pray that he's not taken from me and my children until he's old, grey, crotchety, and senile. Then it will be okay. Anytime before that is simply unthinkable.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Sleep, Sunshine, & The Return of Normal
At last! I got a good night's sleep. No one woke me up & I slept from 10ish to 6:30. That rarely happens.
And, from the sounds of it, a lot of you have sleep troubles, too.
Oh how I wish we had an extra bed in our house. Unfortunately, that's the role of the couch but it's in the same "room" as the kitchen & isn't all that comfortable. Perhaps someday we'll have a different house & I'll get my own bedroom.
But, last night at least I slept great & it turns out that a good night's sleep makes a world of difference in my attitude & energy.
So does sunshine & 70 degree weather.
So does a five mile run, which I accomplished yesterday afternoon. It was glorious! Not easy, by any means. The first 2 miles were awesome. I felt fast, strong. The sun was shining, I was in shorts & a sleeveless shirt, and the wind was steady but not high. Around mile 3 my asthma started bothering me, and unfortunately I didn't bring my inhaler with me. (I used it before my run, as always, but I think I either need a second type of inhaler to *keep* my lungs open, or I just need to run with my inhaler when I'm out longer than 3 miles.) I slowed down quite a bit, & mile 4 was rough. By the time I was starting mile 5, the endorphins had kicked in and I was in the zone. I finished in 57:33. I was hoping for 5 in 55 minutes, but I'll take what I can get right now.
"Normal" has been a foreign land for so long, that I almost cried with gratitude on the way into work this morning. I ate normally. I slept normally. My family slept normally. I woke up normally. My kids are in school normally. We are at work normally. I am running normally.
Normal feels so damn good. And it gives me hope. I want to bottle this feeling & hold onto it forever.
BTW, it's our 14 year wedding anniversary today. Anniversary's on a Wednesday are a non event, pretty much, but we are having a date night Friday & the kids will stay at my mom's overnight. Very much looking forward to Friday.
And, from the sounds of it, a lot of you have sleep troubles, too.
Oh how I wish we had an extra bed in our house. Unfortunately, that's the role of the couch but it's in the same "room" as the kitchen & isn't all that comfortable. Perhaps someday we'll have a different house & I'll get my own bedroom.
But, last night at least I slept great & it turns out that a good night's sleep makes a world of difference in my attitude & energy.
So does sunshine & 70 degree weather.
So does a five mile run, which I accomplished yesterday afternoon. It was glorious! Not easy, by any means. The first 2 miles were awesome. I felt fast, strong. The sun was shining, I was in shorts & a sleeveless shirt, and the wind was steady but not high. Around mile 3 my asthma started bothering me, and unfortunately I didn't bring my inhaler with me. (I used it before my run, as always, but I think I either need a second type of inhaler to *keep* my lungs open, or I just need to run with my inhaler when I'm out longer than 3 miles.) I slowed down quite a bit, & mile 4 was rough. By the time I was starting mile 5, the endorphins had kicked in and I was in the zone. I finished in 57:33. I was hoping for 5 in 55 minutes, but I'll take what I can get right now.
"Normal" has been a foreign land for so long, that I almost cried with gratitude on the way into work this morning. I ate normally. I slept normally. My family slept normally. I woke up normally. My kids are in school normally. We are at work normally. I am running normally.
Normal feels so damn good. And it gives me hope. I want to bottle this feeling & hold onto it forever.
BTW, it's our 14 year wedding anniversary today. Anniversary's on a Wednesday are a non event, pretty much, but we are having a date night Friday & the kids will stay at my mom's overnight. Very much looking forward to Friday.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Perseverance vs. Internalization
First the good stuff.
Yesterday I was determined to run. It was so gorgeous by the afternoon--sunny & 70. Around 4:15 I finally got around to changing into my running clothes, only to discover I'd forgotten my socks. I hate it when that happens! After a brief thought of running without them, I quickly came to my senses & drove the short mile to my local running store. Got a pair of Balega socks & stocked up on Gu, and I was hitting the pavement by 4:40. I parked at Luke's day care & figured I run 3 miles & be back with just enough time to pick him up around 5:20.
I ran 3, and they felt great. My pace is still not where I want it to be, but that's OK. The extra 10 pounds really slow me down. My avg m/m was 11:08, which I will take at this stage of the game.
And I felt freaking amazing afterwards (and during). Very at peace. Like everything is going to be okay. This, my friends, is the wonder of running. And endorphins.
I had a busy night--Mark's back in school after his spring break so it's just me with the kids on Mon, Tues, & Wed--but it was manageable. I ate well all day, including a healthy low carb dinner. Kiddos were in bed when they should be. I made a cup of hot tea and got in bed at 9:00, and by 9:15 I was falling asleep.
The plan was to get to sleep early & wake up at 5 a.m. and do 30 Day Shred. I figured I would have plenty of sleep & I am figuring out that I've got to add morning exercise to my day or I'm just not going to get the muscles I want so badly for our trip in June to St John.
But, then, of course, the shit hit the fan & my plans imploded.
Mark got in bed around 11:30, turned on the TV, and then promptly started tossing, turning, shivering, & snoring. He must be coming down with something because he couldn't get warm. And he couldn't stay still & I couldn't fall back to sleep. So off to the couch with me.
But I was so resentful & angry, and I buried those feelings in cookies. And then a bowl of grape nuts. And when I still couldn't sleep after midnight I started watching a movie. I still had a hope that I could get up at 5, but it was a sliver, at best.
At 2:45 Luke woke up, calling "Mommy, can I get up yet?" NO! You can't get up! I tucked him back in, turned on his lullaby CD, and he stayed put. But I was up again. No food this go round, because I felt a little sick from the midnight carb loading. But I was still seething.
Then at 4 a.m. Sophie is awake. For the 2nd night in a row. It's probably the new straterra, which she's taking at night so she'll sleep through the side affects. So I had to move to her bed to help her get back to sleep. It took her a good hour to fall asleep again, and I tossed & turned right beside her.
5 a.m. came & went. No wake up for me. No workout. Only disappointment. & a little bit of sleep.
At 6:15 the dog started whining & crying. So I finally just gave up & got out of Sophie's bed. Thankfully the coffee had brewed at 5 a.m. (love the automatic coffee pot), but I sat on the couch watching CNBC at 6:30 just pissed at the world.
While I was getting my shower this morning I kept asking myself---WHY MUST I INTERNALIZE EVERYONE ELSE'S ISSUES? And why do I feel the need to punish myself, my body, my family (in an indirect way, but I still feel like I'm punishing them, too) by eating crap in the middle of the night? I know I'm stuffing down the feelings. But WHY do the feelings erupt at all? Why can't I just disconnect and deal with the interruptions with grace, poise, and peace?
I don't feel hopeless this morning, mostly because the sun is shining & it's going to be 72 today, and both the kids are at school (hallelujah!!!!) and Mark is at work, and I am going to run this afternoon at least 5 miles, come hell or high water.
But I've got this internalization issue stuck in my craw. I think it's at the crux of it all.
So, now what I need to know is, how in the hell does that get fixed?
Yesterday I was determined to run. It was so gorgeous by the afternoon--sunny & 70. Around 4:15 I finally got around to changing into my running clothes, only to discover I'd forgotten my socks. I hate it when that happens! After a brief thought of running without them, I quickly came to my senses & drove the short mile to my local running store. Got a pair of Balega socks & stocked up on Gu, and I was hitting the pavement by 4:40. I parked at Luke's day care & figured I run 3 miles & be back with just enough time to pick him up around 5:20.
I ran 3, and they felt great. My pace is still not where I want it to be, but that's OK. The extra 10 pounds really slow me down. My avg m/m was 11:08, which I will take at this stage of the game.
And I felt freaking amazing afterwards (and during). Very at peace. Like everything is going to be okay. This, my friends, is the wonder of running. And endorphins.
I had a busy night--Mark's back in school after his spring break so it's just me with the kids on Mon, Tues, & Wed--but it was manageable. I ate well all day, including a healthy low carb dinner. Kiddos were in bed when they should be. I made a cup of hot tea and got in bed at 9:00, and by 9:15 I was falling asleep.
The plan was to get to sleep early & wake up at 5 a.m. and do 30 Day Shred. I figured I would have plenty of sleep & I am figuring out that I've got to add morning exercise to my day or I'm just not going to get the muscles I want so badly for our trip in June to St John.
But, then, of course, the shit hit the fan & my plans imploded.
Mark got in bed around 11:30, turned on the TV, and then promptly started tossing, turning, shivering, & snoring. He must be coming down with something because he couldn't get warm. And he couldn't stay still & I couldn't fall back to sleep. So off to the couch with me.
But I was so resentful & angry, and I buried those feelings in cookies. And then a bowl of grape nuts. And when I still couldn't sleep after midnight I started watching a movie. I still had a hope that I could get up at 5, but it was a sliver, at best.
At 2:45 Luke woke up, calling "Mommy, can I get up yet?" NO! You can't get up! I tucked him back in, turned on his lullaby CD, and he stayed put. But I was up again. No food this go round, because I felt a little sick from the midnight carb loading. But I was still seething.
Then at 4 a.m. Sophie is awake. For the 2nd night in a row. It's probably the new straterra, which she's taking at night so she'll sleep through the side affects. So I had to move to her bed to help her get back to sleep. It took her a good hour to fall asleep again, and I tossed & turned right beside her.
5 a.m. came & went. No wake up for me. No workout. Only disappointment. & a little bit of sleep.
At 6:15 the dog started whining & crying. So I finally just gave up & got out of Sophie's bed. Thankfully the coffee had brewed at 5 a.m. (love the automatic coffee pot), but I sat on the couch watching CNBC at 6:30 just pissed at the world.
While I was getting my shower this morning I kept asking myself---WHY MUST I INTERNALIZE EVERYONE ELSE'S ISSUES? And why do I feel the need to punish myself, my body, my family (in an indirect way, but I still feel like I'm punishing them, too) by eating crap in the middle of the night? I know I'm stuffing down the feelings. But WHY do the feelings erupt at all? Why can't I just disconnect and deal with the interruptions with grace, poise, and peace?
I don't feel hopeless this morning, mostly because the sun is shining & it's going to be 72 today, and both the kids are at school (hallelujah!!!!) and Mark is at work, and I am going to run this afternoon at least 5 miles, come hell or high water.
But I've got this internalization issue stuck in my craw. I think it's at the crux of it all.
So, now what I need to know is, how in the hell does that get fixed?
Saturday, March 14, 2009
The pills are working
Finally, at last, I'm starting to feel human again. And just like I didn't get myself into the downward spiral unaided, I know it's not *willpower* that is getting me out of the pit. It's the drugs.
Thank God for good drugs.
I ran yesterday around 4:30 p.m., for 3.5 miles. They weren't fast miles by any means. But I ran the last full mile --slowly-- with no walk breaks (I still run around 9:30-10:00 m/m, but then I have to walk a bit after about 3-5 minutes of running).
I ate well yesterday. Had a salad last night around 9 p.m. when I felt hungry instead of something carby.
It's paying off. The scale, by some miracle, said 154.8 this morning. I'm STILL squishy & my jeans are still tight. The scale isn't the whole story. I've lost muscle tone that I'd built last year. But at least that number isn't as horrendous as I'd expected.
I'm taking it one day at a time right now. And hoping today is a calm, easy Saturday.
Thank God for good drugs.
I ran yesterday around 4:30 p.m., for 3.5 miles. They weren't fast miles by any means. But I ran the last full mile --slowly-- with no walk breaks (I still run around 9:30-10:00 m/m, but then I have to walk a bit after about 3-5 minutes of running).
I ate well yesterday. Had a salad last night around 9 p.m. when I felt hungry instead of something carby.
It's paying off. The scale, by some miracle, said 154.8 this morning. I'm STILL squishy & my jeans are still tight. The scale isn't the whole story. I've lost muscle tone that I'd built last year. But at least that number isn't as horrendous as I'd expected.
I'm taking it one day at a time right now. And hoping today is a calm, easy Saturday.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Where do I start?
Once you hit bottom, I guess there's no place to go but up. Right?
This morning I found some old pictures of me from before I was pregnant with Luke. It was like looking at another person. I *know* I spent the majority of my adult life around 200 pounds, but the past year and a half has made me feel like a new person. And I want to forget that I ever looked like that.
But recent life events have pulled me back into the old lifestyle of eating for comfort & not working out, and that's pulled my body back toward the way I used to look. No, I don't look like I weigh 200 pounds. No, my face is not round & undefined. My arms aren't huge & my pants aren't a size 18. But an extra 15 pounds from my lowest weight this fall has me feeling squishy & wearing very tight clothes.
And I'm scared. Because I feel myself falling further & further down the slippery slope. It's entirely possible--and hell, if I look at the ridiculously low statistics of people who are able to maintain a weight loss, it's probable--that I could weigh 200 pounds again.
I don't want that. I don't want to look like the woman in the pictures from 4 years ago. Or even 2 years ago. I don't want to be another negative statistic. Or someone people gossip about--"Oh, I knew she'd never be able to keep that weight off."
I want to run. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to wear sun dresses & shorts & skirts & tank tops with confidence. I want to be strong.
The trick is figuring out how to want all that when I'm bored, tired, depressed, sad, angry, happy, scared, sleepy, or any other emotion that drives me to eat.
How the heck did I do what I did in 2007? Where do I begin again? That's how I feel. Like I'm starting from scratch & have no clue how I'm ever going to lose the weight I want --no, need -- to lose.
Like just about every dieter, I know the mechanics. That's not the problem.
It's the "I want this more than anything else" that I need to find again.
***EDIT***
And then I read this post, linked to from Natalie, and the last sentence just gave me a big ole bitch slap: "No one likes a whiner - they suck the ever livin life out of you. "
I'm so damn tired of being a whiner. I need a good kick in the ass is what I need (gee, 3 curse words in one edit.... nice).
This morning I found some old pictures of me from before I was pregnant with Luke. It was like looking at another person. I *know* I spent the majority of my adult life around 200 pounds, but the past year and a half has made me feel like a new person. And I want to forget that I ever looked like that.
But recent life events have pulled me back into the old lifestyle of eating for comfort & not working out, and that's pulled my body back toward the way I used to look. No, I don't look like I weigh 200 pounds. No, my face is not round & undefined. My arms aren't huge & my pants aren't a size 18. But an extra 15 pounds from my lowest weight this fall has me feeling squishy & wearing very tight clothes.
And I'm scared. Because I feel myself falling further & further down the slippery slope. It's entirely possible--and hell, if I look at the ridiculously low statistics of people who are able to maintain a weight loss, it's probable--that I could weigh 200 pounds again.
I don't want that. I don't want to look like the woman in the pictures from 4 years ago. Or even 2 years ago. I don't want to be another negative statistic. Or someone people gossip about--"Oh, I knew she'd never be able to keep that weight off."
I want to run. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to wear sun dresses & shorts & skirts & tank tops with confidence. I want to be strong.
The trick is figuring out how to want all that when I'm bored, tired, depressed, sad, angry, happy, scared, sleepy, or any other emotion that drives me to eat.
How the heck did I do what I did in 2007? Where do I begin again? That's how I feel. Like I'm starting from scratch & have no clue how I'm ever going to lose the weight I want --no, need -- to lose.
Like just about every dieter, I know the mechanics. That's not the problem.
It's the "I want this more than anything else" that I need to find again.
***EDIT***
And then I read this post, linked to from Natalie, and the last sentence just gave me a big ole bitch slap: "No one likes a whiner - they suck the ever livin life out of you. "
I'm so damn tired of being a whiner. I need a good kick in the ass is what I need (gee, 3 curse words in one edit.... nice).
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Temporary Insanity
Seriously? I think I'm losing my mind.
Monday night Sophie started having hallucinations. She'd woken up Monday with a dizzy spell & had had a pretty rough day. I was snuggling with her at bed time before she fell asleep, and all of the sudden she sat up & said "Mommy there's a spider on my doll's leg!" The doll is on her bookcase & had a couple of little flowers on her pants. She was seeing a spider instead of a flower. I explained that to her, then she saw a spider on her wall where there was a dark spot. We went to the family room where she could fall asleep to TV & keep her mind off the dark spots/spiders.
I assumed this was a side affect from her ADHD meds, and called her doctor Tuesday morning & he agreed we should stop the medicine. I scoured the internet & found that in January the FDA released research that found hallucinations are more common in ADHD meds than previously thought. So, oh joy, we have to stop the medicine that was helping her so much. Thankfully the hallucinations only lasted through yesterday and are now completely gone.
But the dizzy spell is still around. Day 3. We have an appointment at the St Louis Children's Hospital on April 8th. It can't get here soon enough.
Yesterday I called my doctor & got the OK to go back on Wellbutrin. I've been feeling horrible on the Lexapro & was reading about the side affects with that drug (which I've been on before but it's been years), & was reminded about how easy it is to gain weight on Lexapro & how hard it is to lose weight on Lexapro. Wellbutrin was awesome for me, in the 150 mg dose. Only at 300 mg did it become a problem. So I'm back on my drug of choice in the lower dose, and glad I came to my senses about Lexapro before it was too late. I feel a teeny bit better today, and I think it's mostly because I just feel relieved to be off the drug that would likely have put 20 pounds on me in 6 months.
More fun in our household--Luke is allergic to the cat. The cat we've had for 13 years. The cat who my daughter says is "her baby." I'm trying zyrtec & am going to put up a gate on his room & "de-cat" all his stuff. I just hope it's enough to make his sneezing & congestion & itchy eyes stop. I can't imagine the misery that losing our beloved Earl Grey would cause.
And, the piece de resistance--Mark busted a tendon last night in his leg, while playing chase with kids. It's the plantar's tendon, which the ER doctor said is ruptured. Mark's sister brought over her crutches last night at 9:30 and he took himself to the ER (which is 2 minutes from our house). He couldn't put any weight on it, it hurt so bad. The kids were of course freaked out. They wouldn't go to sleep after daddy left by himself for the ER at 10. So they piled in bed with me and stayed up & watched a movie until after 11:30. Then Sophie fell asleep in Luke's bed, & Luke fell asleep on our floor. I fell asleep around Midnight, and then woke up a few minutes later when Mark called & gave me the ER report. He got home sometime around 1 a.m. He's on pain meds & can limp around now without crutches. He worked a few hours this morning but now is home while I'm at work (with Sophie, of course). He said the pain isn't as bad as he thought it would be & he promised not to be an invalid that I have to take care of.
Which is a good thing, because I'm pretty much worthless right now & don't feel like I can take care of anything or anyone else right now.
I especially can't take care of myself.
For whatever reason, I'm still wired to eat, eat, & eat some more when faced with crises. I guess it's my brain saying "feed me some happy shit & feed it to me now." Unfortunately, my brain needs to take a good look at my ass, because it's clearly not happy with the recent feeding schedule.
This is only temporary. This is only temporary. This is only temporary.
God, I hope so.
Monday night Sophie started having hallucinations. She'd woken up Monday with a dizzy spell & had had a pretty rough day. I was snuggling with her at bed time before she fell asleep, and all of the sudden she sat up & said "Mommy there's a spider on my doll's leg!" The doll is on her bookcase & had a couple of little flowers on her pants. She was seeing a spider instead of a flower. I explained that to her, then she saw a spider on her wall where there was a dark spot. We went to the family room where she could fall asleep to TV & keep her mind off the dark spots/spiders.
I assumed this was a side affect from her ADHD meds, and called her doctor Tuesday morning & he agreed we should stop the medicine. I scoured the internet & found that in January the FDA released research that found hallucinations are more common in ADHD meds than previously thought. So, oh joy, we have to stop the medicine that was helping her so much. Thankfully the hallucinations only lasted through yesterday and are now completely gone.
But the dizzy spell is still around. Day 3. We have an appointment at the St Louis Children's Hospital on April 8th. It can't get here soon enough.
Yesterday I called my doctor & got the OK to go back on Wellbutrin. I've been feeling horrible on the Lexapro & was reading about the side affects with that drug (which I've been on before but it's been years), & was reminded about how easy it is to gain weight on Lexapro & how hard it is to lose weight on Lexapro. Wellbutrin was awesome for me, in the 150 mg dose. Only at 300 mg did it become a problem. So I'm back on my drug of choice in the lower dose, and glad I came to my senses about Lexapro before it was too late. I feel a teeny bit better today, and I think it's mostly because I just feel relieved to be off the drug that would likely have put 20 pounds on me in 6 months.
More fun in our household--Luke is allergic to the cat. The cat we've had for 13 years. The cat who my daughter says is "her baby." I'm trying zyrtec & am going to put up a gate on his room & "de-cat" all his stuff. I just hope it's enough to make his sneezing & congestion & itchy eyes stop. I can't imagine the misery that losing our beloved Earl Grey would cause.
And, the piece de resistance--Mark busted a tendon last night in his leg, while playing chase with kids. It's the plantar's tendon, which the ER doctor said is ruptured. Mark's sister brought over her crutches last night at 9:30 and he took himself to the ER (which is 2 minutes from our house). He couldn't put any weight on it, it hurt so bad. The kids were of course freaked out. They wouldn't go to sleep after daddy left by himself for the ER at 10. So they piled in bed with me and stayed up & watched a movie until after 11:30. Then Sophie fell asleep in Luke's bed, & Luke fell asleep on our floor. I fell asleep around Midnight, and then woke up a few minutes later when Mark called & gave me the ER report. He got home sometime around 1 a.m. He's on pain meds & can limp around now without crutches. He worked a few hours this morning but now is home while I'm at work (with Sophie, of course). He said the pain isn't as bad as he thought it would be & he promised not to be an invalid that I have to take care of.
Which is a good thing, because I'm pretty much worthless right now & don't feel like I can take care of anything or anyone else right now.
I especially can't take care of myself.
For whatever reason, I'm still wired to eat, eat, & eat some more when faced with crises. I guess it's my brain saying "feed me some happy shit & feed it to me now." Unfortunately, my brain needs to take a good look at my ass, because it's clearly not happy with the recent feeding schedule.
This is only temporary. This is only temporary. This is only temporary.
God, I hope so.
Monday, March 09, 2009
How I'm Doing
Not so great. I feel like I shouldn't even post because I've not got much positive to say, but when did I ever let that stop me. Ha.
I did get a 4 mile run in on Saturday. It was gorgeous. Windy, but I ran in a tank top & shorts. I even got hot a few times! But that was the most healthy thing I did from Friday - Sunday.
I'm still in that no man's land between medications. I'm taking my new med, but my old one is still wearing off, I suppose, & my new one hasn't kicked in. Friday I came home around 5 p.m., got in bed, and didn't get out except for bodily necessities. Thankfully my Mom took care of the kids until Mark got home, then he took care of them. I felt like I had the flu, only without any body aches or sore throat or headache. Basically, I just couldn't move my body. At all.
It was awful.
Saturday was a teeny bit better, but only because I had to get out of bed. I'd volunteered with my Sunday School class to prepare & serve breakfast at a downtown shelter (the count was around 210 people that we served), so I was out the door at 7 a.m. It was good to be around people from church & realize how freaking blessed I am. I got home around 11 and went for a run. Then I took the kids & picked up a friend of Sophie's for a sleep over. Then I was back in bed from around 3 to 5 p.m. Two hours is about Mark's threshold for handling the kids, so I had to get up & help out after that.
Sunday we made it to church (after the time change--which kills me for the first few days), & then grocery shopped for a couple of hours then went home & put everything away & made lunch, and by then I was wiped again. I didn't lay in bed, but I camped in the recliner for the rest of the afternoon. Finally around 6 p.m. I started cleaning Sophie's room & gave her a bath.
I ate horribly all weekend, and Sunday morning I stepped on the scale, dreading what I'd see. 159.2.
I've got a lot of ground to make up. It's scary how quickly bad habits can add back the pounds. It was just a little over a week ago that I was at 151.4.
And running with the extra weight is a killer. I had mild shin splints on and off for the first 3 miles of my run Saturday.
But honestly, my energy is still in the tank & I feel like I'm barely functional. I'm praying these meds get straightened out quickly. I did take my blood pressure at Walmart Sunday and it was much better--the bottom number was 71 (down from 90 before medication).
Other bad news--Sophie woke up with another dizzy spell this morning. She also described a type of aura around objects for the first time today, and when I asked if she's had that before she said maybe twice before, just recently. That's a new development & to me says these episodes are truly leaning toward migraine, even though they are atypical. I'm still waiting for the St Louis Children's Hospital to call & get us an appointment. It should be soon. The good news with Sophie is her ADHD meds are going great. She got an A on her spelling test Friday, and that's the first A on a spelling test she's had all year. The side affects seem to be mostly gone now, too. I'm hopeful we'll luck out & the first med will be the right one.
Mark's on spring break this week, so he doesn't have class the next 3 nights. That should help. Maybe I'll have it in me to go for a run after work today.
I did get a 4 mile run in on Saturday. It was gorgeous. Windy, but I ran in a tank top & shorts. I even got hot a few times! But that was the most healthy thing I did from Friday - Sunday.
I'm still in that no man's land between medications. I'm taking my new med, but my old one is still wearing off, I suppose, & my new one hasn't kicked in. Friday I came home around 5 p.m., got in bed, and didn't get out except for bodily necessities. Thankfully my Mom took care of the kids until Mark got home, then he took care of them. I felt like I had the flu, only without any body aches or sore throat or headache. Basically, I just couldn't move my body. At all.
It was awful.
Saturday was a teeny bit better, but only because I had to get out of bed. I'd volunteered with my Sunday School class to prepare & serve breakfast at a downtown shelter (the count was around 210 people that we served), so I was out the door at 7 a.m. It was good to be around people from church & realize how freaking blessed I am. I got home around 11 and went for a run. Then I took the kids & picked up a friend of Sophie's for a sleep over. Then I was back in bed from around 3 to 5 p.m. Two hours is about Mark's threshold for handling the kids, so I had to get up & help out after that.
Sunday we made it to church (after the time change--which kills me for the first few days), & then grocery shopped for a couple of hours then went home & put everything away & made lunch, and by then I was wiped again. I didn't lay in bed, but I camped in the recliner for the rest of the afternoon. Finally around 6 p.m. I started cleaning Sophie's room & gave her a bath.
I ate horribly all weekend, and Sunday morning I stepped on the scale, dreading what I'd see. 159.2.
I've got a lot of ground to make up. It's scary how quickly bad habits can add back the pounds. It was just a little over a week ago that I was at 151.4.
And running with the extra weight is a killer. I had mild shin splints on and off for the first 3 miles of my run Saturday.
But honestly, my energy is still in the tank & I feel like I'm barely functional. I'm praying these meds get straightened out quickly. I did take my blood pressure at Walmart Sunday and it was much better--the bottom number was 71 (down from 90 before medication).
Other bad news--Sophie woke up with another dizzy spell this morning. She also described a type of aura around objects for the first time today, and when I asked if she's had that before she said maybe twice before, just recently. That's a new development & to me says these episodes are truly leaning toward migraine, even though they are atypical. I'm still waiting for the St Louis Children's Hospital to call & get us an appointment. It should be soon. The good news with Sophie is her ADHD meds are going great. She got an A on her spelling test Friday, and that's the first A on a spelling test she's had all year. The side affects seem to be mostly gone now, too. I'm hopeful we'll luck out & the first med will be the right one.
Mark's on spring break this week, so he doesn't have class the next 3 nights. That should help. Maybe I'll have it in me to go for a run after work today.
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Right place, right time
After I wrote a guest post for MizFit, an associate editor for PBS contacted me about being included for an article he was writing about dieting bloggers. And even though I had my suspicions at first, turns out he was legit & had a lot of articles on the PBS.org/mediashift website.
So I talked with him the weekend before last (on a Saturday while sitting on the bathroom floor with the door locked--the only place a mom of two can get some privacy) and spilled my guts about my blog.
It's an interesting article. The writer, Simon Owens, asked insightful questions & was genuinely interested in the whole blogger/dieter phenomenon. Go have a look when you have a chance.
So I talked with him the weekend before last (on a Saturday while sitting on the bathroom floor with the door locked--the only place a mom of two can get some privacy) and spilled my guts about my blog.
It's an interesting article. The writer, Simon Owens, asked insightful questions & was genuinely interested in the whole blogger/dieter phenomenon. Go have a look when you have a chance.
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Doctors, doctors everywhere
I'm going to see my doctor this afternoon, for two big issues.
First, I think I have high/borderline high blood pressure. My mom & sister both have high BP problems, and I am nothing if not my mother's daughter. She had to get glasses at age 40 after having perfect vision her whole life; I had to get glasses when I turned 38 (I'm such an overachiever & had to beat her on that one). She's been on BP meds for years & years, she thinks since her early 40s; I've been having headaches for months (which was the symptom that caused her to go to the doctor way back when) and I finally took my BP at Walmart yesterday. The first time it was 140/81 & the second time it was 131/93. So it's up there. It's time to get it addressed officially. I'm tired of these headaches & I'd really like to avoid having a stroke.
Second, I'm going to ask to see a psychiatrist. My emotional state is completely bizarre lately. I increased my depression med back in January, but what I've been going through lately isn't just depression. It's panic attacks, crying for no reason, horribly awful thoughts that come from nowhere. I can be completely UP for a few days--like last week I had some really really good days & felt wonderful--but then am in the basement again. But it's not the basement--it's the deep dark wet root cellar.
These aren't my normal ups & downs, which I've *always* gone through. They are more extreme. And I'm getting to the point where I can't function properly. I've got to get my head fixed now, before things get worse.
Partly I think it's situational. Seen the market lately? But we are doing OK right now & I'm letting go of my fear & worry on a daily basis, and asking God to fill me with love & peace. And He is. So it's not just situational. It's chemical. And I need help.
**Edit** Just got back from the doctor. He put me on a low dose (5 mg) of a BP med to see if it helps with the headaches. My bottom number was consistently 90 while I was there. And I explained how I've been feeling after having my anti-depressant increased & he said that it's possible for anxiety to be amplified in some people on the medicine I am taking. Which makes complete sense--the extremes started about when the increased dose would be nice & solidly established in my system. So we are switching my med to a different one completely & I don't have to see a psychiatrist at this point. I feel relieved to learn that I'm not suffering a total mental breakdown & the medicine is likely responsible for what I've been feeling. A few weeks from now, I hope I'm on a more even keel. **End Edit**
And the other Doctor's issue is with Sophie. This is all good news. He diagnosed her with attention deficit ADHD & we started her on medicine Friday. She is experiencing several side affects but they aren't horrible & so far she's dealing with them OK. She is, thankfully, responding positively so far to what it's supposed to do for her--give her focus & attention. I've noticed a difference at home already. Her teacher is going to give me daily updates on how she's doing in class, as well.
We are also going to take her to the St Louis Children's Hospital in about a month (as soon as they can get us in, but the nurse said it should be close to the end of March) for her dizzy spells. Our pediatrician thinks it's in the migraine realm, but agrees that we need more specialized doctors to confirm that they are migraine, since if they are, then they are extremely atypical.
I'm so thankful we live in a time when doctors can help all of us with these health issues. I'm praying things go well, on all fronts.
First, I think I have high/borderline high blood pressure. My mom & sister both have high BP problems, and I am nothing if not my mother's daughter. She had to get glasses at age 40 after having perfect vision her whole life; I had to get glasses when I turned 38 (I'm such an overachiever & had to beat her on that one). She's been on BP meds for years & years, she thinks since her early 40s; I've been having headaches for months (which was the symptom that caused her to go to the doctor way back when) and I finally took my BP at Walmart yesterday. The first time it was 140/81 & the second time it was 131/93. So it's up there. It's time to get it addressed officially. I'm tired of these headaches & I'd really like to avoid having a stroke.
Second, I'm going to ask to see a psychiatrist. My emotional state is completely bizarre lately. I increased my depression med back in January, but what I've been going through lately isn't just depression. It's panic attacks, crying for no reason, horribly awful thoughts that come from nowhere. I can be completely UP for a few days--like last week I had some really really good days & felt wonderful--but then am in the basement again. But it's not the basement--it's the deep dark wet root cellar.
These aren't my normal ups & downs, which I've *always* gone through. They are more extreme. And I'm getting to the point where I can't function properly. I've got to get my head fixed now, before things get worse.
Partly I think it's situational. Seen the market lately? But we are doing OK right now & I'm letting go of my fear & worry on a daily basis, and asking God to fill me with love & peace. And He is. So it's not just situational. It's chemical. And I need help.
**Edit** Just got back from the doctor. He put me on a low dose (5 mg) of a BP med to see if it helps with the headaches. My bottom number was consistently 90 while I was there. And I explained how I've been feeling after having my anti-depressant increased & he said that it's possible for anxiety to be amplified in some people on the medicine I am taking. Which makes complete sense--the extremes started about when the increased dose would be nice & solidly established in my system. So we are switching my med to a different one completely & I don't have to see a psychiatrist at this point. I feel relieved to learn that I'm not suffering a total mental breakdown & the medicine is likely responsible for what I've been feeling. A few weeks from now, I hope I'm on a more even keel. **End Edit**
And the other Doctor's issue is with Sophie. This is all good news. He diagnosed her with attention deficit ADHD & we started her on medicine Friday. She is experiencing several side affects but they aren't horrible & so far she's dealing with them OK. She is, thankfully, responding positively so far to what it's supposed to do for her--give her focus & attention. I've noticed a difference at home already. Her teacher is going to give me daily updates on how she's doing in class, as well.
We are also going to take her to the St Louis Children's Hospital in about a month (as soon as they can get us in, but the nurse said it should be close to the end of March) for her dizzy spells. Our pediatrician thinks it's in the migraine realm, but agrees that we need more specialized doctors to confirm that they are migraine, since if they are, then they are extremely atypical.
I'm so thankful we live in a time when doctors can help all of us with these health issues. I'm praying things go well, on all fronts.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Mid week update
Wait, is it Thursday already? That's the kind of week it's been.
But relative to recent weeks, it's been stellar. Nobody's sick, everyone's in school & at work. No (more) major technology failures. And as far as I know, I haven't pissed anyone off recently.
Food & exercise are perfectly acceptable. I'm on Day 11 of the crack diet & I'm sticking to the plan. I weighed 151.4 this morning. My jeans that were cutting off my circulation a couple weeks ago now fit much more easily and I'm not straining against all the seams any more.
And I have run the past 2 days--3 miles Tuesday & 4 miles Wednesday. I have yet to do the Shred video again, which is silly really because it's only 20 minutes. But seriously, the only 20 minutes I'd have is at 5:30 a.m. (which isn't happening...yet) or at 9 p.m. I'm not quite ready to commit exercise to either of those times yet, so it's going to be running after work/before kid pickup for now.
This afternoon I'm meeting with Sophie's doctor about her dizzy spells & my suspicions of her ADD (attention deficit, not hyper activity). I'm hoping it's a productive meeting & we get some solid next steps.
Then tonight I'm going to a friend's house for a Southern Living at Home party. I've never been to one of these, and really I couldn't care less about what they have to sell. Unless it's a kitchen multi-tasker that I can't live without, I'm not buying anything. I'm so over *consuming* stuff. I don't want anything for my home, my yard, my car, my body. I'm satisfied with what I've got. I don't need no more.
But I'll get to visit with my girlfriends, and that's why I'm going. Time with the girls without kids is, unfortunately, very rare.
Not much else to report. Good stuff is good stuff & I'm thankful to not be whining and complaining any longer. I hope it lasts for a while. :)
But relative to recent weeks, it's been stellar. Nobody's sick, everyone's in school & at work. No (more) major technology failures. And as far as I know, I haven't pissed anyone off recently.
Food & exercise are perfectly acceptable. I'm on Day 11 of the crack diet & I'm sticking to the plan. I weighed 151.4 this morning. My jeans that were cutting off my circulation a couple weeks ago now fit much more easily and I'm not straining against all the seams any more.
And I have run the past 2 days--3 miles Tuesday & 4 miles Wednesday. I have yet to do the Shred video again, which is silly really because it's only 20 minutes. But seriously, the only 20 minutes I'd have is at 5:30 a.m. (which isn't happening...yet) or at 9 p.m. I'm not quite ready to commit exercise to either of those times yet, so it's going to be running after work/before kid pickup for now.
This afternoon I'm meeting with Sophie's doctor about her dizzy spells & my suspicions of her ADD (attention deficit, not hyper activity). I'm hoping it's a productive meeting & we get some solid next steps.
Then tonight I'm going to a friend's house for a Southern Living at Home party. I've never been to one of these, and really I couldn't care less about what they have to sell. Unless it's a kitchen multi-tasker that I can't live without, I'm not buying anything. I'm so over *consuming* stuff. I don't want anything for my home, my yard, my car, my body. I'm satisfied with what I've got. I don't need no more.
But I'll get to visit with my girlfriends, and that's why I'm going. Time with the girls without kids is, unfortunately, very rare.
Not much else to report. Good stuff is good stuff & I'm thankful to not be whining and complaining any longer. I hope it lasts for a while. :)
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Still on the wagon, but hanging on with my fingernails
Life has been crazy lately. Thankfully, this low carb diet helps keep the food cravings away even when I'm under stressful conditions that would normally trigger a carb binge.
Work is nuts. I've had multiple technology failures since last Thursday. The printer & my email have taken up countless hours and money. I hate it when things don't work, because it makes me a grouchy girl & I get absolutely nothing done.
All this plus the stock market tanking is making me a big bottle of nerves.
Oh, and did I mention I haven't run in over a week?
It's all just been too much.
But, again, thank God I'm on this diet plan because otherwise I'm sure I'd be pushing 160 by now. Instead, I weighed 151.2 this morning! Woohoo!
My pants are already looser. I still have the muffin top (sometimes I truly wish we'd go back to high waisted pants from the 80's), and that doesn't go away until I get into the mid 140s. At least it went away the last time I visited 146 in October.
I ended the first low carb week at 5 days. Sunday night I had a little slip--a few vanilla wafers, a couple bites of ice cream, but that's it. And Monday when I woke up I just could not take eggs again for breakfast. So I made an executive decision to skip the 2 days I had left of low carbing, and go straight to week 2.
Which means I had grits with protein powder for breakfast yesterday, and I just had rice & beans for lunch today. Tomorrow I get 2 carbs before 3 p.m.
I love this plan. I love the variety. I love that I can stick to it. I love that I have energy & don't feel bloated. I love that my waist is already back to 29 1/2". (Like the true tracking freak I am, I started measuring every day when I started this diet. I had no idea that water weight affected my "size" so much. I really just thought it was a scale thing. It's not.) And I love that in a few more days I can have a few fun foods.
I'm praying I can get out of work by 4 p.m. today so I can go running. It's gorgeous... cold, but not windy and it's sunny. I have been having runner's envy for days & days--you know, when you see a runner on the road & you wish with your whole heart that was you out there. Yeah, I saw 3 people this morning running and I about hopped out of my car & ran in my high heals. I just can't contain myself anymore.
I have been a very bad blogging friend because I've had no time to visit with any of you. I'm thinking of you, though, and hope that your health journey is gearing up in a very positive way, as the weather starts to turn toward Spring. Oh, it cannot get here soon enough!
Work is nuts. I've had multiple technology failures since last Thursday. The printer & my email have taken up countless hours and money. I hate it when things don't work, because it makes me a grouchy girl & I get absolutely nothing done.
All this plus the stock market tanking is making me a big bottle of nerves.
Oh, and did I mention I haven't run in over a week?
It's all just been too much.
But, again, thank God I'm on this diet plan because otherwise I'm sure I'd be pushing 160 by now. Instead, I weighed 151.2 this morning! Woohoo!
My pants are already looser. I still have the muffin top (sometimes I truly wish we'd go back to high waisted pants from the 80's), and that doesn't go away until I get into the mid 140s. At least it went away the last time I visited 146 in October.
I ended the first low carb week at 5 days. Sunday night I had a little slip--a few vanilla wafers, a couple bites of ice cream, but that's it. And Monday when I woke up I just could not take eggs again for breakfast. So I made an executive decision to skip the 2 days I had left of low carbing, and go straight to week 2.
Which means I had grits with protein powder for breakfast yesterday, and I just had rice & beans for lunch today. Tomorrow I get 2 carbs before 3 p.m.
I love this plan. I love the variety. I love that I can stick to it. I love that I have energy & don't feel bloated. I love that my waist is already back to 29 1/2". (Like the true tracking freak I am, I started measuring every day when I started this diet. I had no idea that water weight affected my "size" so much. I really just thought it was a scale thing. It's not.) And I love that in a few more days I can have a few fun foods.
I'm praying I can get out of work by 4 p.m. today so I can go running. It's gorgeous... cold, but not windy and it's sunny. I have been having runner's envy for days & days--you know, when you see a runner on the road & you wish with your whole heart that was you out there. Yeah, I saw 3 people this morning running and I about hopped out of my car & ran in my high heals. I just can't contain myself anymore.
I have been a very bad blogging friend because I've had no time to visit with any of you. I'm thinking of you, though, and hope that your health journey is gearing up in a very positive way, as the weather starts to turn toward Spring. Oh, it cannot get here soon enough!
Friday, February 20, 2009
So the food...
...is going well. There is something powerful in eliminating bad carbs for a week. I'm basically not hungry and not craving anything. I'M EATING, don't get me wrong. It's not like I've picked up an eating disorder the past few days. But getting the crap out of my body & brain and eating protein & veggies & fat can cause remarkable change in a short period of time.
The trick, of course, is making the change stick.
If you recall from my last journey on the Crack diet, week 1 is the strictest week. Under 20 carbs a day for 7 days. I'm on day 3. I weighed 152.6 this morning. And my waist is already 2 1/2 inches smaller. It blows my mind how water weight impacts the body so much. The first couple of days can be tough, but strangely after the first day I've felt OK and really haven't lost that much energy.
The 2nd week starts carb cycling. As much as the low carb week feels good for a while, you really do get excited about that first morning when you can eat oatmeal or have Ezekial bread.
The exercise.... not so much. I miss running so badly. But it's been one thing after another this week and I haven't fit it in. Ah well. I know eventually I'll get time again for me. At the very least I'll do some 30 Day Shred this weekend.
I'm swamped at work, haven't been to the grocery store in 2 weeks, and have laundry & dishes piled to the ceiling. Why I thought it would be OK for me to go to sleep last night at 9 p.m. is beyond me.
But today is another day. I'm off to the grocery & then home to snuggle on kiddos (and eventually the hubs).
Kick some ass this weekend, bloggy friends!
The trick, of course, is making the change stick.
If you recall from my last journey on the Crack diet, week 1 is the strictest week. Under 20 carbs a day for 7 days. I'm on day 3. I weighed 152.6 this morning. And my waist is already 2 1/2 inches smaller. It blows my mind how water weight impacts the body so much. The first couple of days can be tough, but strangely after the first day I've felt OK and really haven't lost that much energy.
The 2nd week starts carb cycling. As much as the low carb week feels good for a while, you really do get excited about that first morning when you can eat oatmeal or have Ezekial bread.
The exercise.... not so much. I miss running so badly. But it's been one thing after another this week and I haven't fit it in. Ah well. I know eventually I'll get time again for me. At the very least I'll do some 30 Day Shred this weekend.
I'm swamped at work, haven't been to the grocery store in 2 weeks, and have laundry & dishes piled to the ceiling. Why I thought it would be OK for me to go to sleep last night at 9 p.m. is beyond me.
But today is another day. I'm off to the grocery & then home to snuggle on kiddos (and eventually the hubs).
Kick some ass this weekend, bloggy friends!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
A little better
First, I want to thank MizFit for posting my guest blog today. I wrote it about 3 months ago and wouldn't you know it? I'm still pretty much in the same state of mind--fighting to find time & energy to get my winter fat layer off but often losing the battle.
As with all of The Miz's posts, there's lots of engaging conversation going on in the comments. And it seems clear that some folks can do this healthy lifestyle thing with ease (or, at least, the majority of their choices are healthy ones & it's not a massive struggle to make those choices--that's the way it looks like on *this* side of the fence anyway :).
Others of us (ME! ME!) aren't quite to effortless, but we're fighting the good fight and not giving up.
So where am I today on this crazy roller coaster?
Yesterday was much better. I stayed on track with the Crack the Fat Loss Code diet. I already feel the bonds of carbs & sugar loosening their hold. Today has started off well, food wise. I'm still not craving junk & the scale is playing along already (water weight loss is water weight loss, but it's still motivating to see lower numbers on the scale right off the bat).
Exercise has been The Suck, though. No time for myself since Sophie's at the office with me during my normal running time, and Mark has classes on Mon, Tues & Wed nights so I can't run after I pick up kids either. I am so not a morning runner, so that's out. Last night I could have done the 30 day shred but frankly I was so fried from my day long sprint at work I just didn't have it in me.
But. One step at a time. I'm happy I'm getting the carbwants out of my system. Exercise will come again soon, most hopefully tonight. And it won't be soon enough.
***
ETA: Sophie made it to school. I took her in at 10 a.m. & she didn't feel dizzy during the long walk to her class, which is a very good sign that we might be done with this round.
As with all of The Miz's posts, there's lots of engaging conversation going on in the comments. And it seems clear that some folks can do this healthy lifestyle thing with ease (or, at least, the majority of their choices are healthy ones & it's not a massive struggle to make those choices--that's the way it looks like on *this* side of the fence anyway :).
Others of us (ME! ME!) aren't quite to effortless, but we're fighting the good fight and not giving up.
So where am I today on this crazy roller coaster?
Yesterday was much better. I stayed on track with the Crack the Fat Loss Code diet. I already feel the bonds of carbs & sugar loosening their hold. Today has started off well, food wise. I'm still not craving junk & the scale is playing along already (water weight loss is water weight loss, but it's still motivating to see lower numbers on the scale right off the bat).
Exercise has been The Suck, though. No time for myself since Sophie's at the office with me during my normal running time, and Mark has classes on Mon, Tues & Wed nights so I can't run after I pick up kids either. I am so not a morning runner, so that's out. Last night I could have done the 30 day shred but frankly I was so fried from my day long sprint at work I just didn't have it in me.
But. One step at a time. I'm happy I'm getting the carbwants out of my system. Exercise will come again soon, most hopefully tonight. And it won't be soon enough.
***
ETA: Sophie made it to school. I took her in at 10 a.m. & she didn't feel dizzy during the long walk to her class, which is a very good sign that we might be done with this round.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Can't get a break
Last night I'd had enough. Again.
I've been on this roller coaster of "motivation" (truly, I hate that word because I don't really believe in it--you either do, or do not, and that's that, but I'm using it here as a short hand for "I can't get my shit together"). And I've been doing better workout wise (last week I ran 4 days & did the 30 Day Shred once) but my food has still been in the toilet.
I think the food issue is because--I can't do moderate when it comes to food. My brain LOVES carbs. When I'm eating carbs, just like most people who struggle with weight, I want more carbs. And more carbs. And more carbs. Until I've gained 10-12 pounds in about 4 months.
So yesterday I decided, made up my mind, drew up the plan, to do the Crack the Fat Loss Code again. It works for me. It allows for healthy carbs & promotes whole foods. It allows for "cheat days" on occasion--because real life includes cheat days. And I got to my thinnest ever last October (146.2.... ah, I remember you well) on this diet. Yesterday I committed myself, again, to getting it done & was bound & determined that this. was. it.
Then, unfortunately, I got slammed down this morning. Sophie woke up early with a raging dizzy spell. She's been dizzy since last week, but not bad; she's made it to school every day. This morning was the super awful kind--can't move, can't tolerate light, cries & cries because the spinning in her head is so bad. I hate it when she's like this. I feel so helpless. I can't do anything for her. She missed her class field trip to see James & the Giant Peach today. I ache for all she's missing out on.
My food & exercise are not my priority today. Sophie is. I haven't face dived into a vat of carbs yet, mainly because I'm just sick of them. I did have a carby breakfast, but I'm done with that food today. I've got a healthy low carb lunch & I'll have a decent dinner. Perhaps tomorrow I'll be able to focus on me & my goals.
Today is another story.
Sophie's dizzy spells have gotten worse the past 6 months. She's had a spell every single month since October. Next week I have conference with her pediatrician, which I'd intended to primarily focus on her possibly having attention deficit disorder (not hyperactivity, the attention & focus problem of ADD). And we'll talk about that. But I'm going to ask him to refer us to Vanderbilt. I've had it with this disorder & the lack of answers from the tests we've done over the past 3 1/2 years . My daughter deserves more than a life like this. I just pray God opens the doors we need opened so we can find a cure.
I've been on this roller coaster of "motivation" (truly, I hate that word because I don't really believe in it--you either do, or do not, and that's that, but I'm using it here as a short hand for "I can't get my shit together"). And I've been doing better workout wise (last week I ran 4 days & did the 30 Day Shred once) but my food has still been in the toilet.
I think the food issue is because--I can't do moderate when it comes to food. My brain LOVES carbs. When I'm eating carbs, just like most people who struggle with weight, I want more carbs. And more carbs. And more carbs. Until I've gained 10-12 pounds in about 4 months.
So yesterday I decided, made up my mind, drew up the plan, to do the Crack the Fat Loss Code again. It works for me. It allows for healthy carbs & promotes whole foods. It allows for "cheat days" on occasion--because real life includes cheat days. And I got to my thinnest ever last October (146.2.... ah, I remember you well) on this diet. Yesterday I committed myself, again, to getting it done & was bound & determined that this. was. it.
Then, unfortunately, I got slammed down this morning. Sophie woke up early with a raging dizzy spell. She's been dizzy since last week, but not bad; she's made it to school every day. This morning was the super awful kind--can't move, can't tolerate light, cries & cries because the spinning in her head is so bad. I hate it when she's like this. I feel so helpless. I can't do anything for her. She missed her class field trip to see James & the Giant Peach today. I ache for all she's missing out on.
My food & exercise are not my priority today. Sophie is. I haven't face dived into a vat of carbs yet, mainly because I'm just sick of them. I did have a carby breakfast, but I'm done with that food today. I've got a healthy low carb lunch & I'll have a decent dinner. Perhaps tomorrow I'll be able to focus on me & my goals.
Today is another story.
Sophie's dizzy spells have gotten worse the past 6 months. She's had a spell every single month since October. Next week I have conference with her pediatrician, which I'd intended to primarily focus on her possibly having attention deficit disorder (not hyperactivity, the attention & focus problem of ADD). And we'll talk about that. But I'm going to ask him to refer us to Vanderbilt. I've had it with this disorder & the lack of answers from the tests we've done over the past 3 1/2 years . My daughter deserves more than a life like this. I just pray God opens the doors we need opened so we can find a cure.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Freakishly Flexible 5K-- For Nancy
Wanna join me in a 5k this weekend?
Nancy has been one of the most inspirational blogger's I know. She's upbeat, shares the running love to the point of putting in hours and hours of her time with many virtual races, and is all around a super cool chick.
So reading her post today about the official diagnosis of her hip problem choked me up. Running means more to me than I can fully express. It does to her too. I know she's mourning the loss. I know she's in shock. I would be. It's a majorly "life's not fair" kind of deal.
But I know she'll find her way back, through another sport that complements her body, because she is who she is.
Another blogger created the virtual Freakishly Flexible 5K race in Nancy's honor. If you go to his website you'll see that you don't have to be a runner to join in.
I'm running a 5k this weekend for Nancy. And thanking God every step of the way for my 38 year old body that can run, and praying that Nancy has a successful surgery & heals well, and then comes back & kicks some ass.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Old School
So I've gone back to writing down in a journal everything I put in my mouth and the corresponding calories, just like in the good old days. And thankfully for the past two days, it's worked.
I'm shooting for 1800 calories a day and have actually been under that--Monday it was 1510 & Tuesday, 1390. I ran 4 miles Monday & did the 30 Day Shred video Tuesday.
I've lost 2.4 pounds so far. Boy, does that feel good.
Just like every other time I've gone from mindless, emotional eating to controlled, planned eating--I feel free & at peace. There is so much freedom in doing what's good for you, it makes my head spin to wonder why in the world I stray in the first place.
Yet I'm not taking any of this for granted. I still feel fragile & a day at a time is what I'm focusing on.
Spring teasing us this week is making a big difference in how I feel. It was mid February of 2007 when I joined LA Weight Loss. And it's mid February now. Something about leading up to a season of renewal that helps kick start my determination.
Next up: half marathon training for my May 2 race in Indy. I want to weigh 145 by then.
Because it is damn hard to run at 158 pounds. I found that out on Monday. Shedding those extra pounds so I can run faster & easier is extremely motivating.
How are you holding up? What's kicking your motivation up a notch?
I'm shooting for 1800 calories a day and have actually been under that--Monday it was 1510 & Tuesday, 1390. I ran 4 miles Monday & did the 30 Day Shred video Tuesday.
I've lost 2.4 pounds so far. Boy, does that feel good.
Just like every other time I've gone from mindless, emotional eating to controlled, planned eating--I feel free & at peace. There is so much freedom in doing what's good for you, it makes my head spin to wonder why in the world I stray in the first place.
Yet I'm not taking any of this for granted. I still feel fragile & a day at a time is what I'm focusing on.
Spring teasing us this week is making a big difference in how I feel. It was mid February of 2007 when I joined LA Weight Loss. And it's mid February now. Something about leading up to a season of renewal that helps kick start my determination.
Next up: half marathon training for my May 2 race in Indy. I want to weigh 145 by then.
Because it is damn hard to run at 158 pounds. I found that out on Monday. Shedding those extra pounds so I can run faster & easier is extremely motivating.
How are you holding up? What's kicking your motivation up a notch?
Monday, February 09, 2009
Monday
The weekend was more of the same from Friday's post, but today was MONDAY. A day for new beginnings, right?
I've written down all my food so far & am counting calories. I'm getting ready to change my clothes & go running in (wait for it) 70 degree weather. It could not be a more different start to this week than two weeks ago.
I'll post more when I have more time.
I do want to thank you all for your comments. Holy cow, what amazing friends you all are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
I've written down all my food so far & am counting calories. I'm getting ready to change my clothes & go running in (wait for it) 70 degree weather. It could not be a more different start to this week than two weeks ago.
I'll post more when I have more time.
I do want to thank you all for your comments. Holy cow, what amazing friends you all are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Friday, February 06, 2009
A Lesson from Cool Hand Luke
I've seen a lot of Guy Movies over the past 15 years that I've known my husband. The Outlaw Josey Wales, The Maltese Falcon, & Cool Hand Luke are a few of my favorites.
This morning as I was walking in to work, a line from Cool Hand Luke flickered through my memory. "You've got to get your mind right," the Boss says to Luke as Luke's digging his own grave in the prison yard.
While I've not committed any crimes & I don't have an SOB prison guard standing over me, I feel like I'm in a prison of my own making right now. And I need to get my mind right or I'm going to be shoveling my way out of my own deep hole, very soon.
Before I joined LA Weight Loss in February 2007, I was always playing the mind game of "I'll eat this box of donuts now, but tomorrow I will definitely stop! I'm just going to eat this now to get through the _____________(insert the mood of the moment--boredom, anger, sadness, happiness, stress, busyness, overwhelmedness, depression, rain, sunshine, winter blahs, blah blah blah). Tomorrow I will, I WILL, start to eat right & won't do this anymore."
For a good solid year, I didn't play this game. And really, I guess it's been almost two years since it's now February of 2009.
But I guess two years is my Statute of Limitations on the Give Up the Bullshit Thinking issue.
Because it's back. In full force. And I'm smack dab back in the self-imposed prison of denial & misery.
I haven't bought a box of powdered donuts yet--they were a huge problem for me & I simply loved everything about the little bastards (except for how fat they helped make me). But I've been looking longingly at them while grocery shopping, and last night I even picked up a bag and considered putting it in my cart.
Instead I bought a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish food, hid it in the back of the freezer when I got home, and ate it in secret while the kids played with the hubs. I then hid the empty container at the bottom of the trash can.
I even ate some cookie dough in the bathroom the other day, hiding from the kids so they wouldn't want any.
This is some seriously f*cked up behavior. And I can't believe I'm living it again.
I know it's hard--unbearably hard--to change life long coping mechanisms. It's practically heroic to establish new coping mechanisms that won't slip away and be replaced by the old ones. I used to feel like a hero, and felt like I'd mostly replaced my food issues with running & strength training.
But since the exercise & the endorphins it provides has been virtually non-existent the past couple of weeks, the bad old coping strategies are back.
And I hate them. I hate everything about the after. The before & during, I'm pretty much back to being a zombie & in robot mode. Not in control--like the foods are putting themselves in my hands and I have no choice but to accept them.
Ultimately, I think this is about control. I have completely lost control over so many things in my life right now. And the way I'm dealing with the lack of control is to say "F*ck it, I don't care about my weight, my body, my health. All I want is to feel better NOW. NOW is all that matters. Later will have to wait because I can't deal with later. Food makes me feel better now. So I will eat what I need now, because I can. To hell with the consequences."
Obviously, I've gotta get my mind right. I know this. I know that living like this is the path to weighing 200 pounds again. I know that living in denial is going to only get me tighter clothes & more unhappiness. I know that, in the end, this destructive behavior leads me to hate myself. Not just because of the fat, but because of the shame of the addiction.
Getting my mind right is what I'm working on right now. I'm not feeling all that strong, though, so I'm simply taking things a moment at a time. And praying like crazy for strength, purpose, and a desire to remember that my actions, whether good or bad, have consequences.
I don't want to stay in these chains any longer. I'll get my mind right, and then I'll be set free.
This morning as I was walking in to work, a line from Cool Hand Luke flickered through my memory. "You've got to get your mind right," the Boss says to Luke as Luke's digging his own grave in the prison yard.
While I've not committed any crimes & I don't have an SOB prison guard standing over me, I feel like I'm in a prison of my own making right now. And I need to get my mind right or I'm going to be shoveling my way out of my own deep hole, very soon.
Before I joined LA Weight Loss in February 2007, I was always playing the mind game of "I'll eat this box of donuts now, but tomorrow I will definitely stop! I'm just going to eat this now to get through the _____________(insert the mood of the moment--boredom, anger, sadness, happiness, stress, busyness, overwhelmedness, depression, rain, sunshine, winter blahs, blah blah blah). Tomorrow I will, I WILL, start to eat right & won't do this anymore."
For a good solid year, I didn't play this game. And really, I guess it's been almost two years since it's now February of 2009.
But I guess two years is my Statute of Limitations on the Give Up the Bullshit Thinking issue.
Because it's back. In full force. And I'm smack dab back in the self-imposed prison of denial & misery.
I haven't bought a box of powdered donuts yet--they were a huge problem for me & I simply loved everything about the little bastards (except for how fat they helped make me). But I've been looking longingly at them while grocery shopping, and last night I even picked up a bag and considered putting it in my cart.
Instead I bought a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish food, hid it in the back of the freezer when I got home, and ate it in secret while the kids played with the hubs. I then hid the empty container at the bottom of the trash can.
I even ate some cookie dough in the bathroom the other day, hiding from the kids so they wouldn't want any.
This is some seriously f*cked up behavior. And I can't believe I'm living it again.
I know it's hard--unbearably hard--to change life long coping mechanisms. It's practically heroic to establish new coping mechanisms that won't slip away and be replaced by the old ones. I used to feel like a hero, and felt like I'd mostly replaced my food issues with running & strength training.
But since the exercise & the endorphins it provides has been virtually non-existent the past couple of weeks, the bad old coping strategies are back.
And I hate them. I hate everything about the after. The before & during, I'm pretty much back to being a zombie & in robot mode. Not in control--like the foods are putting themselves in my hands and I have no choice but to accept them.
Ultimately, I think this is about control. I have completely lost control over so many things in my life right now. And the way I'm dealing with the lack of control is to say "F*ck it, I don't care about my weight, my body, my health. All I want is to feel better NOW. NOW is all that matters. Later will have to wait because I can't deal with later. Food makes me feel better now. So I will eat what I need now, because I can. To hell with the consequences."
Obviously, I've gotta get my mind right. I know this. I know that living like this is the path to weighing 200 pounds again. I know that living in denial is going to only get me tighter clothes & more unhappiness. I know that, in the end, this destructive behavior leads me to hate myself. Not just because of the fat, but because of the shame of the addiction.
Getting my mind right is what I'm working on right now. I'm not feeling all that strong, though, so I'm simply taking things a moment at a time. And praying like crazy for strength, purpose, and a desire to remember that my actions, whether good or bad, have consequences.
I don't want to stay in these chains any longer. I'll get my mind right, and then I'll be set free.
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Roller Coaster
Yesterday was not a good day. I didn't have time to blog about it, but Sophie woke up with a stomach ache & then threw up before getting on the school bus. I was thankful she got sick at home instead of school, at least. She came into the office with me & was an angel, and luckily she didn't throw up again. She did have/still does have diarrhea now, but it's not horrible and I'm guessing she's almost done with this virus.
Work is crazy, since we are doing annual reviews with clients. So I'm not getting to have my blogging time like normal. That always kinda bums me out a bit.
After work, we had to go to Walmart to buy bread & other essentials and the kids were very well behaved. But after we got to the car & had everything unloaded, Sophie's diarrhea kicked in and we had to go back inside. It was around 10 degrees last night, so we were cold cold cold. And we were in the Walmart bathroom for a good 20 minutes (poor Soph!). We still had to pick up Mark's dry cleaning & didn't get home until after 7 p.m.
It was a frozen pizza night, obviously! We had dinner around 7:30, and I was just fried by then. Didn't clean the kitchen, didn't give kids baths, didn't workout. Basically I pretty much just gave up.
Which is usually when my food goes to hell too.
So today, I'm feeling down again. Sophie was still sick this morning & is with me again at work. She should make it to school tomorrow. It's still really cold but tomorrow it's supposed to be warmer & as God is my witness, I'm going running. Tonight if life doesn't blow up in my face, I'll do the Shred DVD again. I'm still sore from my first time through, which is a good sign. Those 20 minutes were very effective--I think it's going to be an awesome muscle building routine.
I'm pretty much in just-get-by mode. I'm hopeful for the future, but getting tired of living there instead of in the here & now.
Work is crazy, since we are doing annual reviews with clients. So I'm not getting to have my blogging time like normal. That always kinda bums me out a bit.
After work, we had to go to Walmart to buy bread & other essentials and the kids were very well behaved. But after we got to the car & had everything unloaded, Sophie's diarrhea kicked in and we had to go back inside. It was around 10 degrees last night, so we were cold cold cold. And we were in the Walmart bathroom for a good 20 minutes (poor Soph!). We still had to pick up Mark's dry cleaning & didn't get home until after 7 p.m.
It was a frozen pizza night, obviously! We had dinner around 7:30, and I was just fried by then. Didn't clean the kitchen, didn't give kids baths, didn't workout. Basically I pretty much just gave up.
Which is usually when my food goes to hell too.
So today, I'm feeling down again. Sophie was still sick this morning & is with me again at work. She should make it to school tomorrow. It's still really cold but tomorrow it's supposed to be warmer & as God is my witness, I'm going running. Tonight if life doesn't blow up in my face, I'll do the Shred DVD again. I'm still sore from my first time through, which is a good sign. Those 20 minutes were very effective--I think it's going to be an awesome muscle building routine.
I'm pretty much in just-get-by mode. I'm hopeful for the future, but getting tired of living there instead of in the here & now.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Better
Quick update today because we're swamped at work.
Today's weight was 154.6. The past 2 days have been decent, food wise. And I did the 30 Day Shred video last night! I really liked it--a tough workout in 20 minutes.
It's supposed to be in the 60s by the weekend. I am so looking forward to running again.
*******BIGGEST LOSER SPOILER BELOW*******
(sorry this wasn't here earlier, Vickie!)
TBL fans--were you happy to see Joelle go? I have really mixed feelings about her. I'll have to write more on that when I have some time.
Today's weight was 154.6. The past 2 days have been decent, food wise. And I did the 30 Day Shred video last night! I really liked it--a tough workout in 20 minutes.
It's supposed to be in the 60s by the weekend. I am so looking forward to running again.
*******BIGGEST LOSER SPOILER BELOW*******
(sorry this wasn't here earlier, Vickie!)
TBL fans--were you happy to see Joelle go? I have really mixed feelings about her. I'll have to write more on that when I have some time.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Holy crap
Well, an ice storm is about as bad as the holiday's for weight gain.
I hadn't weighed in a week, still haven't run since a week ago last Friday (that's a whopping 10 days now), and I've been eating like a 10 year old boy on summer vacation.
I finally bit the bullet this morning, the first weekday we've been back in our house, and got on the scale. It was ugly.
157.8
I have some serious ass kicking to do on myself. Which is tough when I still feel pretty wrung out emotionally, & physically still feel rough from the cold that will not die.
But I'm not burying my head in the sand & not letting this get worse. I've scaled back the food today big time, and am having hot tea with honey while I finish some work tonight. I'm likely going to have to white knuckle through the night time eating cravings later. Whatever. I want to see some water weight lost in the morning.
Hopefully I will get to do some kind of physical activity soon. The park where I usually run is blocked off because of trees down, I guess, and the sidewalks--everywhere--are still covered in ice & snow. So if I want to run it will have to be on the street, and I'm not overly fond of taking my life into my own hands like that. If I have to dodge a car and run off the road, I could slip & fall on the ice. It may be a while until I get on the pavement again.
I've got the Jillian Michael's DVD that I need to do. Was going to try tonight but I've got a monster headache & my sinuses are hurting, so (yada yada yada excuse excuse excuse), no workout today.
Life is my workout right now. Soon enough it will be spring.
Even though the Groundhog saw his shadow today, warmer weather is only 6 weeks away.
I hadn't weighed in a week, still haven't run since a week ago last Friday (that's a whopping 10 days now), and I've been eating like a 10 year old boy on summer vacation.
I finally bit the bullet this morning, the first weekday we've been back in our house, and got on the scale. It was ugly.
157.8
I have some serious ass kicking to do on myself. Which is tough when I still feel pretty wrung out emotionally, & physically still feel rough from the cold that will not die.
But I'm not burying my head in the sand & not letting this get worse. I've scaled back the food today big time, and am having hot tea with honey while I finish some work tonight. I'm likely going to have to white knuckle through the night time eating cravings later. Whatever. I want to see some water weight lost in the morning.
Hopefully I will get to do some kind of physical activity soon. The park where I usually run is blocked off because of trees down, I guess, and the sidewalks--everywhere--are still covered in ice & snow. So if I want to run it will have to be on the street, and I'm not overly fond of taking my life into my own hands like that. If I have to dodge a car and run off the road, I could slip & fall on the ice. It may be a while until I get on the pavement again.
I've got the Jillian Michael's DVD that I need to do. Was going to try tonight but I've got a monster headache & my sinuses are hurting, so (yada yada yada excuse excuse excuse), no workout today.
Life is my workout right now. Soon enough it will be spring.
Even though the Groundhog saw his shadow today, warmer weather is only 6 weeks away.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
It's Back!
Power came on last night around 8 p.m. We stayed at our friends' house because we were already settled in and wanted to let the house warm up. Came home this morning & all is well.
I'll be posting more. Lots to do with kiddos & gotta go get the dog.
I'll be posting more. Lots to do with kiddos & gotta go get the dog.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Still no power
I will never, ever take my house for granted again.
It's surreal--going home to make sure the water's still flowing through the pipes slowly, unplugging the TV's & computer, setting out fresh water for the cat, picking up the newspaper & the mail. And then not being able to stay in my home.
I have no clue when we'll be back. There are still over 50,000 people in our power company's service area without power. They've brought in workers from all over the midwest, but it's going to take a long time to get us all back on. I drove down one of the roads that leads to our neighborhood, and there are massively huge trees down on powerlines. One huge tree was completely uprooted and laying across a power line.
Our lines are buried in our neighborhood so I can't tell if the power is brought in from the war-zone area, or if it's from a less damaged area. Either way, I'm concerned now that it will be "well into next week," as the power company website states, before we get our power back. Frankly, at this point I'll be surprised if it's that quick. There were no trucks anywhere near our area when I went home at lunch.
So our home has no power. And I feel like I am powerless.
The kids are at my mom's another night and tomorrow all day, the dog is at the doggie sitter's house, and we are in the hotel for one more night. Then Saturday we'll move in to our friends' home, since they graciously invited us and have an extra bedroom & wireless internet. They also have 3 1/2 year old twins & a 1 year old, so our kids will have plenty to do there.
I'm not very good at taking things a day at a time. I'm a planner. I need to know what's happening next. Uncertainty makes me jumpy. And bitchy. And hungry. And sad.
I know this is only temporary. I know I could have it much, much worse. I'm clinging to the fact that my children are safe & warm & fed & active at my Mom's house. But life is so beyond normal right now.
Normal is a beautiful thing. I can't wait for normal to be back in my life once again.
It's surreal--going home to make sure the water's still flowing through the pipes slowly, unplugging the TV's & computer, setting out fresh water for the cat, picking up the newspaper & the mail. And then not being able to stay in my home.
I have no clue when we'll be back. There are still over 50,000 people in our power company's service area without power. They've brought in workers from all over the midwest, but it's going to take a long time to get us all back on. I drove down one of the roads that leads to our neighborhood, and there are massively huge trees down on powerlines. One huge tree was completely uprooted and laying across a power line.
Our lines are buried in our neighborhood so I can't tell if the power is brought in from the war-zone area, or if it's from a less damaged area. Either way, I'm concerned now that it will be "well into next week," as the power company website states, before we get our power back. Frankly, at this point I'll be surprised if it's that quick. There were no trucks anywhere near our area when I went home at lunch.
So our home has no power. And I feel like I am powerless.
The kids are at my mom's another night and tomorrow all day, the dog is at the doggie sitter's house, and we are in the hotel for one more night. Then Saturday we'll move in to our friends' home, since they graciously invited us and have an extra bedroom & wireless internet. They also have 3 1/2 year old twins & a 1 year old, so our kids will have plenty to do there.
I'm not very good at taking things a day at a time. I'm a planner. I need to know what's happening next. Uncertainty makes me jumpy. And bitchy. And hungry. And sad.
I know this is only temporary. I know I could have it much, much worse. I'm clinging to the fact that my children are safe & warm & fed & active at my Mom's house. But life is so beyond normal right now.
Normal is a beautiful thing. I can't wait for normal to be back in my life once again.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
January Strikes Again (and Again)
I wrote this last night (Tuesday) around midnight. Before the power went out.
***
Man, I hate this time of year.
But before I go into the Woe Is Me report, I have to tell you about Friday.
Our 4 p.m. appointment rescheduled & my mom had the kids, so I had a free late afternoon & what did I do? I went running, of course!
It had been a gorgeous day--upper 50s, sunshine. But by the time I was ready to roll at 4:30, it was grey & colder & windy. No way was I not getting my run in, though. I set out from home & put in a solid 4 miles. I felt fabulous. Strong. Glad I'd gotten an unplanned run in & put in 14 miles in 3 days.
Then Friday night around 10 p.m., I felt that tell tale tickle in the back of my throat. I was getting a cold. I started the zicam right away, but by Saturday morning I had a raging sore throat & congested sinuses. The weekend was spent in my PJ's, with me popping ibuprofen for my aching head instead of sore muscles. I even skipped church Sunday, I felt so lousy.
By Monday I still felt awful and didn't get to work until after 1 p.m. We had a client appointment at 4, and by the time I got home with the kids I was wiped out. The weather people were sounding pretty sure we were going to get clobbered by the vast winter storm hitting the U.S. and I figured we'd be stuck at home on Tuesday, so I skipped Monday bath night for the kiddos and let them watch TV instead of doing Sophie's homework. It was definitely an "all system shut down" kind of night.
Which basically meant I've had almost 4 days of being in slog mode. And that means I eat. And I don't work out. And I feel lousy about it. But I feel lousy from the cold that won't die (hello zicam? why aren't you working yet?!) and that pretty much trumps my ability to do much healthy for myself.
I'm not calling myself a failure. I'm not all upset about losing the momentum I was building last week. I'll get back on plan & hit the road running soon enough. As soon as the darn ice melts anyway.
It's just a typical January.
And January bites.
***
So guys, I'm finally at long last watching a season of The Biggest Loser from the (almost) beginning. I've watched last week's and now tonight's show, so I missed the first two weeks but I'm still going to get to see them virtually from the beginning. I thank my DVR for finally allowing me to catch TBL & American Idol. I usually am watching from 9 - 10 (or 11 on 2 hour nights).
I was so glad Joelle got to stay last week. Carla & Bob were way too hard on her. I think Jen really summed it up best in this post. And now look at her this week! You go girl. (Although I think Carla might get on my nerves pretty quickly.) And I thought it was a no win for everyone tonight on who had to go home. I hope they pull a surprise & bring back the one person who really wanted to stay but had to go home. I truly think it's possible that person wins the runner up $100,000. The couple who got to stay better work their behinds off. I'm sure they will.
You TBL fans are surely desensitized to it, but I am just floored at the overt product placements. How bloody annoying. I guess everyone has to pay the bills.
***
Now it's Wednesday night and we are in a hotel because we have no power. Half the city is without power & it looks like an ice bomb went off. We drove around tonight, going to Walmart, then the office to see if power was back on there (it is, so Mark will be going in tomorrow), and then to Walgreens for meds. So many trees have been damaged. I didn't see many homes that were smashed, so that's a blessing. But it could take a week to get our power back on. I'm keeping my fingers crossed it's only another day or so.
Life is no where near normal right now. I can't even begin to say how thankful I am that we have a warm room and food & are all safe. I know there are many, many people in this city (and the country) who can't say that right now. But this is not easy for any of us.
The kids are going to my mom's tomorrow, and will stay with her for a couple days. The poor doggie is at home by herself. I'm getting her tomorrow & will take her to our cousin or to the puppy hotel. I'm hoping we have power back by the weekend. I'm not sure where we'll go if we don't. We have my mom or my sister we could stay with. I'm sure some of our friends would set us up if we needed them to. I just don't know what's best for us. I think for now, it's going to be one day at a time.
Food & exercise are out the window right now. I'm in survival mode.
Like I said when I wrote this post yesterday, I hate January. This ice storm just gives me one more reason to be ready for February.
***
Man, I hate this time of year.
But before I go into the Woe Is Me report, I have to tell you about Friday.
Our 4 p.m. appointment rescheduled & my mom had the kids, so I had a free late afternoon & what did I do? I went running, of course!
It had been a gorgeous day--upper 50s, sunshine. But by the time I was ready to roll at 4:30, it was grey & colder & windy. No way was I not getting my run in, though. I set out from home & put in a solid 4 miles. I felt fabulous. Strong. Glad I'd gotten an unplanned run in & put in 14 miles in 3 days.
Then Friday night around 10 p.m., I felt that tell tale tickle in the back of my throat. I was getting a cold. I started the zicam right away, but by Saturday morning I had a raging sore throat & congested sinuses. The weekend was spent in my PJ's, with me popping ibuprofen for my aching head instead of sore muscles. I even skipped church Sunday, I felt so lousy.
By Monday I still felt awful and didn't get to work until after 1 p.m. We had a client appointment at 4, and by the time I got home with the kids I was wiped out. The weather people were sounding pretty sure we were going to get clobbered by the vast winter storm hitting the U.S. and I figured we'd be stuck at home on Tuesday, so I skipped Monday bath night for the kiddos and let them watch TV instead of doing Sophie's homework. It was definitely an "all system shut down" kind of night.
Which basically meant I've had almost 4 days of being in slog mode. And that means I eat. And I don't work out. And I feel lousy about it. But I feel lousy from the cold that won't die (hello zicam? why aren't you working yet?!) and that pretty much trumps my ability to do much healthy for myself.
I'm not calling myself a failure. I'm not all upset about losing the momentum I was building last week. I'll get back on plan & hit the road running soon enough. As soon as the darn ice melts anyway.
It's just a typical January.
And January bites.
***
So guys, I'm finally at long last watching a season of The Biggest Loser from the (almost) beginning. I've watched last week's and now tonight's show, so I missed the first two weeks but I'm still going to get to see them virtually from the beginning. I thank my DVR for finally allowing me to catch TBL & American Idol. I usually am watching from 9 - 10 (or 11 on 2 hour nights).
I was so glad Joelle got to stay last week. Carla & Bob were way too hard on her. I think Jen really summed it up best in this post. And now look at her this week! You go girl. (Although I think Carla might get on my nerves pretty quickly.) And I thought it was a no win for everyone tonight on who had to go home. I hope they pull a surprise & bring back the one person who really wanted to stay but had to go home. I truly think it's possible that person wins the runner up $100,000. The couple who got to stay better work their behinds off. I'm sure they will.
You TBL fans are surely desensitized to it, but I am just floored at the overt product placements. How bloody annoying. I guess everyone has to pay the bills.
***
Now it's Wednesday night and we are in a hotel because we have no power. Half the city is without power & it looks like an ice bomb went off. We drove around tonight, going to Walmart, then the office to see if power was back on there (it is, so Mark will be going in tomorrow), and then to Walgreens for meds. So many trees have been damaged. I didn't see many homes that were smashed, so that's a blessing. But it could take a week to get our power back on. I'm keeping my fingers crossed it's only another day or so.
Life is no where near normal right now. I can't even begin to say how thankful I am that we have a warm room and food & are all safe. I know there are many, many people in this city (and the country) who can't say that right now. But this is not easy for any of us.
The kids are going to my mom's tomorrow, and will stay with her for a couple days. The poor doggie is at home by herself. I'm getting her tomorrow & will take her to our cousin or to the puppy hotel. I'm hoping we have power back by the weekend. I'm not sure where we'll go if we don't. We have my mom or my sister we could stay with. I'm sure some of our friends would set us up if we needed them to. I just don't know what's best for us. I think for now, it's going to be one day at a time.
Food & exercise are out the window right now. I'm in survival mode.
Like I said when I wrote this post yesterday, I hate January. This ice storm just gives me one more reason to be ready for February.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Day 3 - Success
Another day, another notch on my slowly-loosening belt.
Food was good. Not terribly low carb, but I didn't over do it on anything & had plenty of protein. I did have one little brownie after dinner--the last of the batch from the weekend which I'd forgotten about but stumbled upon while looking for a small bite of a Hershey bar. But it's all good. Gotta have a treat once in a while, and, after all, it's been 3 days since I had anything decadent.
And I ran another 5 miles today in just over 59 minutes. I'm still not as fast as I was in October, which is a bummer, but I can totally tell it's because I'm lugging around an extra 10 pounds. Oh, and because cardiovascularly I'm not as well conditioned. And the cold air messes with my exercise-induced asthma. And, let's see, any other excuses? I kid. I'm just glad to be out there for 60 minutes moving my body.
It was so gorgeous tonight. 51 degrees when I set out. The sun was shining & I ran the whole time in the light. It didn't get truly dark until almost 5:30. Love it. Spring feels like it's on its way. Tomorrow the temp is going to be even warmer. Unfortunately I'll be taking a rest day because we have 3 client annual review appointments tomorrow, that run up until 5 p.m. And really, I need a rest after two hard running days in a row.
Maybe tomorrow would be a good day to do that Jillian Michael's DVD, ya think? I haven't had time to watch it. Heck, I haven't had time to clean my kitchen for 2 days. Life gets that way sometimes.
So it's getting late & I still have work to get done for tomorrow's meetings. I hope to catch up with you all this weekend.
Much love & thanks so much for all your support!
Food was good. Not terribly low carb, but I didn't over do it on anything & had plenty of protein. I did have one little brownie after dinner--the last of the batch from the weekend which I'd forgotten about but stumbled upon while looking for a small bite of a Hershey bar. But it's all good. Gotta have a treat once in a while, and, after all, it's been 3 days since I had anything decadent.
And I ran another 5 miles today in just over 59 minutes. I'm still not as fast as I was in October, which is a bummer, but I can totally tell it's because I'm lugging around an extra 10 pounds. Oh, and because cardiovascularly I'm not as well conditioned. And the cold air messes with my exercise-induced asthma. And, let's see, any other excuses? I kid. I'm just glad to be out there for 60 minutes moving my body.
It was so gorgeous tonight. 51 degrees when I set out. The sun was shining & I ran the whole time in the light. It didn't get truly dark until almost 5:30. Love it. Spring feels like it's on its way. Tomorrow the temp is going to be even warmer. Unfortunately I'll be taking a rest day because we have 3 client annual review appointments tomorrow, that run up until 5 p.m. And really, I need a rest after two hard running days in a row.
Maybe tomorrow would be a good day to do that Jillian Michael's DVD, ya think? I haven't had time to watch it. Heck, I haven't had time to clean my kitchen for 2 days. Life gets that way sometimes.
So it's getting late & I still have work to get done for tomorrow's meetings. I hope to catch up with you all this weekend.
Much love & thanks so much for all your support!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Looking Up
Well it's day 2 of eating like I need to be eating to lose this layer of winter fat.
Which is good because I weighed in this morning at 155.6, and that's after a day of cleaning out a good deal of the water retention. I've got a ways to go to be where I want to be.
Last night I stuck to my guns and didn't eat carbs or junk or eat at night. I had dinner at 8:30, which was late but it actually helped keep me away from the middle of the night junk, I think. I had a cheese stick while putting the kids to bed because I was about ready to pass out from hunger, and then dinner was 6 oz. salmon with handful of broccoli slaw, mixed with T light mayo, 2 T lemon juice, and 3/4 tsp curry. I eat half and save the other half for another meal. It's yummy, quick, & healthy. I had 2 cups of diet jello (10 calories each? are you kidding? what a deal) for my snack & went to bed. In bed. Not the family room couch.
And I slept all night, without the aid of a xanax or benadryl. I don't know how that happened. Especially since I fell asleep at 10:30 which is about an hour or so earlier than usual.
Then I woke up this morning at 6:15 a.m., and made it to work by 8:30. Woohoo! I know for the majority of you, this is a joke. But y'all know I'm not a morning person and have no one enforcing my work schedule, so 8:30 is a big deal around here for me. :)
This afternoon is sunny & "warm"--as in 35 degrees. So I'm running, hopefully 5 miles. I can't wait.
My Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD came in today (love Amazon, love it), so I'll check it out tonight. Gotta figure out a way to work that in on 3 or 4 mornings a week. It's ONLY 20ish minutes. For crying out loud, I just need to suck it up and get up in the morning.
The kids are in school, and they are healthy except for winter colds that cropped up yesterday. I've stuck to making meals at home and we aren't eating out. I even vacuumed my floors last night! (that's a big accomplishment, haha)
So that's all the good details going on with me. I feel like things are looking up, at least for now.
Which is good because I weighed in this morning at 155.6, and that's after a day of cleaning out a good deal of the water retention. I've got a ways to go to be where I want to be.
Last night I stuck to my guns and didn't eat carbs or junk or eat at night. I had dinner at 8:30, which was late but it actually helped keep me away from the middle of the night junk, I think. I had a cheese stick while putting the kids to bed because I was about ready to pass out from hunger, and then dinner was 6 oz. salmon with handful of broccoli slaw, mixed with T light mayo, 2 T lemon juice, and 3/4 tsp curry. I eat half and save the other half for another meal. It's yummy, quick, & healthy. I had 2 cups of diet jello (10 calories each? are you kidding? what a deal) for my snack & went to bed. In bed. Not the family room couch.
And I slept all night, without the aid of a xanax or benadryl. I don't know how that happened. Especially since I fell asleep at 10:30 which is about an hour or so earlier than usual.
Then I woke up this morning at 6:15 a.m., and made it to work by 8:30. Woohoo! I know for the majority of you, this is a joke. But y'all know I'm not a morning person and have no one enforcing my work schedule, so 8:30 is a big deal around here for me. :)
This afternoon is sunny & "warm"--as in 35 degrees. So I'm running, hopefully 5 miles. I can't wait.
My Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD came in today (love Amazon, love it), so I'll check it out tonight. Gotta figure out a way to work that in on 3 or 4 mornings a week. It's ONLY 20ish minutes. For crying out loud, I just need to suck it up and get up in the morning.
The kids are in school, and they are healthy except for winter colds that cropped up yesterday. I've stuck to making meals at home and we aren't eating out. I even vacuumed my floors last night! (that's a big accomplishment, haha)
So that's all the good details going on with me. I feel like things are looking up, at least for now.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
That's It
I've had it.
I'm putting myself in timeout.
I've been "bad" way too long, and it's time to crack down on this unacceptable behavior.
I'm being punished with tight pants, a muffin top, overflowing 34Cs, and an overall sense of yuckiness & shame.
It's not just the way my body looks & feels. It's the old behaviors coming back that leave me feeling miserable & guilty, and I can't take it anymore. I eyed powdered donuts lustily on Saturday's grocery shopping trip. I made a pan of brownies yesterday on our day off for MLK Jr day "for the kids" and ended up eating almost the entire pan by myself. I bought ice cream sandwiches this weekend, ate 4 of them and threw the rest in the outside trashcan, being sure to cover up the box with a big trash bag--hiding the evidence.
I hate the person I'm becoming. It's the Old Me. And there's no room for her in my size 8 pants. No room at all in my "I've lost 60 pounds and am keeping it off forever" life. No room for her in my half marathon training plans.
I may have lost some battles the past few months, but I am not losing this war. Today I mark the line in the sand. And if the line gets fuzzy & I have to draw it again, so be it.
But that's it. I'm done with Old Me. I want Healthy Happy Feel Good About Myself Me back.
I'm putting myself in timeout.
I've been "bad" way too long, and it's time to crack down on this unacceptable behavior.
I'm being punished with tight pants, a muffin top, overflowing 34Cs, and an overall sense of yuckiness & shame.
It's not just the way my body looks & feels. It's the old behaviors coming back that leave me feeling miserable & guilty, and I can't take it anymore. I eyed powdered donuts lustily on Saturday's grocery shopping trip. I made a pan of brownies yesterday on our day off for MLK Jr day "for the kids" and ended up eating almost the entire pan by myself. I bought ice cream sandwiches this weekend, ate 4 of them and threw the rest in the outside trashcan, being sure to cover up the box with a big trash bag--hiding the evidence.
I hate the person I'm becoming. It's the Old Me. And there's no room for her in my size 8 pants. No room at all in my "I've lost 60 pounds and am keeping it off forever" life. No room for her in my half marathon training plans.
I may have lost some battles the past few months, but I am not losing this war. Today I mark the line in the sand. And if the line gets fuzzy & I have to draw it again, so be it.
But that's it. I'm done with Old Me. I want Healthy Happy Feel Good About Myself Me back.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Random Friday Thoughts
I can't seem to come up with anything cohesive to talk about, so I'm just gonna give you a brain dump.
I've been listening to David Cook's new CD. A lot. And I love it! It's stuck in my head, though, so it's like I'm walking around with an iPod plugged directly into my brain. His music is most excellent. Even if you didn't watch American Idol last year, I highly recommend it to you.
Speaking of Idol, I'm excited it's back on again and I really like the new judge. Last year I didn't watch the first few weeks. I must admit, I'm enjoying the idiots more than I should. It's hard to know yet if there are any really good singers. I was surprised to see Jason Castro's brother try out. What a hoot! I can't wait to see more next week.
If you are a parent of young children (under age 10), please do yourself a favor and get the book Beyond Time Out. It is completely different than any other parenting book I've ever read. Really groundbreaking stuff. But it's not radical. It's simple. It cuts through the BS parenting methods that have been around the past 30 years or so and makes sense of the parent/child relationship in a way I never saw clearly before but now it makes perfect sense. Get the book for yourself & for your child. It's changed our family life so much for the better already.
I did the 2nd day of the 100 push up challenge last night. I'm not that sore today so I'm not sure if I didn't get far enough to the floor or what. I did 9, 8, 7, 6, & 8, with 90 second breaks in between. The kids counted my reps for me, which was fun. Tomorrow I'm doing day 3 which starts with 10 pushups.
My mom has the kids tonight and tomorrow because we have a meeting tonight & a wedding tomorrow afternoon. So I've got some free time! Tomorrow morning I'm going to grocery shop & run (I need to do 8 miles to keep pace with my 750 mile goal in 2009).
You runners who told me not to worry about the cold are right. When I ran Wednesday in 26 degrees & some strong wind, I got too hot after a mile & had to take off my fleece layer & just wear my tech shirt & wind jacket. Running with the wind at my back was awesome. Running against the wind kinda sucks, but it also is cool because you just push through and by the time you turn and have the wind at your back again it feels like you've conquered a mountain. I did 3 miles Wednesday in 36 minutes, and considering I stopped and walked quite a bit and was running into the wind half the time, I was very happy with that. The fact that I made myself get out there when most people would have bagged a run was a victory in itself.
Speaking of victories, I'm doing well on the shop once a week/make meals at home front. I'm failing miserably on the get to sleep at 10 and wake up by 6 front. And I still can't get my night eating under control. At least the oreos are gone now and I'm not buying anymore so those won't be singing their siren song tonight.
I've been trying to figure out why I can't break these bad habits. There has to be some kind of reward for the behavior if it keeps happening over and over. I've got to noodle on this for a while and will probably write about it soon to help work it out.
Sophie's made it to school all week, but she's still dizzy in the morning and somewhat during the day. She's just learning to deal with it. Yet her quality of life is not what it should be for a 7 year old. I feel like we need to do more for her medically. I met with a friend for lunch today who mentioned Vanderbilt and how the doctors there helped a friend of hers whose son had a condition that no one here could figure out. She's the 2nd person who's mentioned Vanderbilt to me recently. I think I'm getting a message from the universe on this and am going to figure out how to pursue it.
I've been all over the place today. I hope you are having a great end of the week & enjoy your weekend. I think the whole country is cold right now (except maybe California--you warm, Helen?), so put on some extra layers and snuggle under the blankets with a loved one.
I've been listening to David Cook's new CD. A lot. And I love it! It's stuck in my head, though, so it's like I'm walking around with an iPod plugged directly into my brain. His music is most excellent. Even if you didn't watch American Idol last year, I highly recommend it to you.
Speaking of Idol, I'm excited it's back on again and I really like the new judge. Last year I didn't watch the first few weeks. I must admit, I'm enjoying the idiots more than I should. It's hard to know yet if there are any really good singers. I was surprised to see Jason Castro's brother try out. What a hoot! I can't wait to see more next week.
If you are a parent of young children (under age 10), please do yourself a favor and get the book Beyond Time Out. It is completely different than any other parenting book I've ever read. Really groundbreaking stuff. But it's not radical. It's simple. It cuts through the BS parenting methods that have been around the past 30 years or so and makes sense of the parent/child relationship in a way I never saw clearly before but now it makes perfect sense. Get the book for yourself & for your child. It's changed our family life so much for the better already.
I did the 2nd day of the 100 push up challenge last night. I'm not that sore today so I'm not sure if I didn't get far enough to the floor or what. I did 9, 8, 7, 6, & 8, with 90 second breaks in between. The kids counted my reps for me, which was fun. Tomorrow I'm doing day 3 which starts with 10 pushups.
My mom has the kids tonight and tomorrow because we have a meeting tonight & a wedding tomorrow afternoon. So I've got some free time! Tomorrow morning I'm going to grocery shop & run (I need to do 8 miles to keep pace with my 750 mile goal in 2009).
You runners who told me not to worry about the cold are right. When I ran Wednesday in 26 degrees & some strong wind, I got too hot after a mile & had to take off my fleece layer & just wear my tech shirt & wind jacket. Running with the wind at my back was awesome. Running against the wind kinda sucks, but it also is cool because you just push through and by the time you turn and have the wind at your back again it feels like you've conquered a mountain. I did 3 miles Wednesday in 36 minutes, and considering I stopped and walked quite a bit and was running into the wind half the time, I was very happy with that. The fact that I made myself get out there when most people would have bagged a run was a victory in itself.
Speaking of victories, I'm doing well on the shop once a week/make meals at home front. I'm failing miserably on the get to sleep at 10 and wake up by 6 front. And I still can't get my night eating under control. At least the oreos are gone now and I'm not buying anymore so those won't be singing their siren song tonight.
I've been trying to figure out why I can't break these bad habits. There has to be some kind of reward for the behavior if it keeps happening over and over. I've got to noodle on this for a while and will probably write about it soon to help work it out.
Sophie's made it to school all week, but she's still dizzy in the morning and somewhat during the day. She's just learning to deal with it. Yet her quality of life is not what it should be for a 7 year old. I feel like we need to do more for her medically. I met with a friend for lunch today who mentioned Vanderbilt and how the doctors there helped a friend of hers whose son had a condition that no one here could figure out. She's the 2nd person who's mentioned Vanderbilt to me recently. I think I'm getting a message from the universe on this and am going to figure out how to pursue it.
I've been all over the place today. I hope you are having a great end of the week & enjoy your weekend. I think the whole country is cold right now (except maybe California--you warm, Helen?), so put on some extra layers and snuggle under the blankets with a loved one.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Baby, it's cold (and windy) outside
So my new non-gym work out routine now includes running in the cold.
And it's not too bad! At least, not yet anyway.
Sunday and Monday I ran 5 and 4 miles, respectively, and both days the temps were in the mid 30s. It was a smidge windy but not bad, and a base layer plus fleece is all it really takes to stay warm. I wear gloves, of course, and usually start out with a fleece cap but after the first mile I'm almost always too warm to keep it on. I actually really enjoy the cold runs. Very refreshing and peaceful.
Today, even though it will be in the mid 30s when I head out, we've got wind in the 20 mph range. If I get to run like I plan to, it's going to be interesting to say the least.
We don't have any ice or snow to deal with, and if we did I'd not run. I wanna work out, but I'm not equipped to deal with that kind of terrain. Plus I'm a big baby when it comes to pain and would hate it if I fell & got hurt.
Tomorrow the high is supposed to be 14 degrees. 14! And the wind chill is going to be in the negative numbers.
Guess who's not running tomorrow? :)
Other random babble:
I'm happy to report that my weight this morning was 153.4. I haven't seen that for a while. It's crazy how much of a difference a few pounds make in the way my clothes fit.
I've set two more goals for 2009. I want to run 750 miles this year, and I want to complete the 100 pushup challenge. And I've got a weight goal of 145 (with a super secret goal of 140) when we go to St John in June. I want to be in the best shape of my life for this trip, and I've got to get busy now. You know how I am with goals--I'm gonna git r done, yessirree!
I'm still cooking & sticking to my no fast food purchases rule (so is the hubs!). I've not gotten everything cooked in the time I'd like to, mostly because those darn kids take up a lot of time at night, even after they are supposed to be asleep (Sophie had a bad reaction to her zyrtec Monday night and couldn't sleep, so I was up with her until after 11 p.m. Poor kid. We are doing zyrtec in the a.m. from now on). But I'm keeping enough stocked that we are eating home cooked meals. I'm allowing for a frozen pizza on one week night (Tombstone pizzas are $3.50 at WalMart), and last night was pizza night. Tonight I plan to cook up 3 pounds of lean ground beef--a meatloaf & 2 pounds of a Mexican filling that I have a recipe for. Hopefully my plans will not be derailed.
And Sophie has made it to school this week each day. She's not felt very well--headaches, leg aches, and stomach aches have been plaguing her lately--but she's hanging in there. I'm really focusing on getting her to eat better, along with the rest of us, and I think it's helping. But the lack of sleep is a killer. Plus, I talked with Mark last night about how she's feeling, and how she's distracted a lot and has trouble focusing, and he said he was exactly the same way when he was her age. They are both sensitive, artsy people who aren't all that hardy and need special care. Thankfully her special personality and love are as strong as steel.
And it's not too bad! At least, not yet anyway.
Sunday and Monday I ran 5 and 4 miles, respectively, and both days the temps were in the mid 30s. It was a smidge windy but not bad, and a base layer plus fleece is all it really takes to stay warm. I wear gloves, of course, and usually start out with a fleece cap but after the first mile I'm almost always too warm to keep it on. I actually really enjoy the cold runs. Very refreshing and peaceful.
Today, even though it will be in the mid 30s when I head out, we've got wind in the 20 mph range. If I get to run like I plan to, it's going to be interesting to say the least.
We don't have any ice or snow to deal with, and if we did I'd not run. I wanna work out, but I'm not equipped to deal with that kind of terrain. Plus I'm a big baby when it comes to pain and would hate it if I fell & got hurt.
Tomorrow the high is supposed to be 14 degrees. 14! And the wind chill is going to be in the negative numbers.
Guess who's not running tomorrow? :)
Other random babble:
I'm happy to report that my weight this morning was 153.4. I haven't seen that for a while. It's crazy how much of a difference a few pounds make in the way my clothes fit.
I've set two more goals for 2009. I want to run 750 miles this year, and I want to complete the 100 pushup challenge. And I've got a weight goal of 145 (with a super secret goal of 140) when we go to St John in June. I want to be in the best shape of my life for this trip, and I've got to get busy now. You know how I am with goals--I'm gonna git r done, yessirree!
I'm still cooking & sticking to my no fast food purchases rule (so is the hubs!). I've not gotten everything cooked in the time I'd like to, mostly because those darn kids take up a lot of time at night, even after they are supposed to be asleep (Sophie had a bad reaction to her zyrtec Monday night and couldn't sleep, so I was up with her until after 11 p.m. Poor kid. We are doing zyrtec in the a.m. from now on). But I'm keeping enough stocked that we are eating home cooked meals. I'm allowing for a frozen pizza on one week night (Tombstone pizzas are $3.50 at WalMart), and last night was pizza night. Tonight I plan to cook up 3 pounds of lean ground beef--a meatloaf & 2 pounds of a Mexican filling that I have a recipe for. Hopefully my plans will not be derailed.
And Sophie has made it to school this week each day. She's not felt very well--headaches, leg aches, and stomach aches have been plaguing her lately--but she's hanging in there. I'm really focusing on getting her to eat better, along with the rest of us, and I think it's helping. But the lack of sleep is a killer. Plus, I talked with Mark last night about how she's feeling, and how she's distracted a lot and has trouble focusing, and he said he was exactly the same way when he was her age. They are both sensitive, artsy people who aren't all that hardy and need special care. Thankfully her special personality and love are as strong as steel.
Monday, January 12, 2009
I think a change, a change would do you good
First let me say thank you for your suggestions on Sophie's dizzy spells. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and, even though they may or may not apply to her situation it's still nice to have you all thinking of her.
Now for today's post:
I've decided to make some radical changes in my life, mainly out of necessity because we need to reign in the household spending. Believe me, I much prefer the status quo because I'm basically lazy, but life is kicking me in the pants and telling me I need to get with the program.
Change #1: So the first radical change is to make a weekly menu plan & grocery list and shop once a week.
Change #2: The weekly menu plan goes hand in hand with no more eating at restaurants, fast food or otherwise, on a regular basis. The hubs is the worst about this, but if I don't have food ready for him that he will eat, then he drives thru. And we have spent way too much money over the years on convenience foods, and that is going to stop.
Change #3: I figured out how many meals I'd need to make this week, then created a grocery list, and spent two hours shopping on Saturday afternoon at 3 different stores. I used to do all our shopping at two stores--Schnucks (a St Louis based grocery chain, the best our town has to offer) and Target--on week nights with kids in tow. I despise Wal-Mart, but I have gone over to the dark side because I'm now in money saving mode. And we also now have an Aldi, which has crazy low prices. I'll still shop at Schnucks because they have good meat and produce, but that's all I'm buying there. Saturday I spent around $150 for all our food for the week. And I don't care what I run out of--I'm not shopping again until next Saturday.
Change #4: I'm cooking like it's nobody's business. I made a pork roast Saturday night in the crock pot. First time ever! I know, I know, but still, I'm just learning to cook and a roast, to me, is intimidating. Turns out I cooked the darn thing too long and ended up with about half the meat I should have, but oh well. I'm learning. Mark liked it anyway. Tonight I'm making meatloaf. First time for that, too.
Change #5: Making a budget and sticking to it. This is going to be the toughest. But I'm serious about this money saving stuff and we're cracking down just like the rest of the country. No more impulse buying or spending unnecessary money on myself or the kiddos. I should have been doing this 5 years ago. Better late than never, I suppose.
Change #6: We cancelled our gym membership. Scratch #5 being the toughest. This is the toughest. No more swim lessons for Sophie. No more treadmill for me. No more body pump classes. No more easy summer-time pool for the family. It's going to be hard, but seriously? I just need to get over myself. Many, many people survive & thrive without a membership to the most expensive gym in town. I think we'll live.
Change #7: I'm clipping coupons! And using them!
Change #8: The little things that I used to think were no big deal, I realize all add up. As in: I'm not using mousse in my hair anymore. I tried it one day without it, and it looks exactly the same. And I'm not going to buy $15 a can hairspray any more. Understand, my hair has always been my thing, ever since I was in junior high. But it's stick straight, and the only thing that needs a spray is my bangs, so why do I need Big Sexy Hair hairspray? I don't. And my mascara is now L'oreal instead of Estee Lauder. Also, I'm not using paper towels for every little thing in the kitchen. I got one of our chamois cloths and am using a new one each day (a new one every day will hopefully keep the nasty germies away). We go through so many paper towels, it's nuts. This is going to cut that back big time. And I'm using half the laundry detergent I used to, and so far the clothes are just as clean as before. And I'm turning down the thermostat to 65 while we're at work. I'm sure there are more things I'll think of along the way.
Change #9: I'm implementing the parent skill lessons I've learned in Beyond Time Out. I'm still on a learning curve but I'm serious about changing things for the better for my kids. And my sanity.
Change #10: This one I have yet to implement, but it starts tonight. I'm going to bed at a decent time and waking up at a decent time. My habit has been to stay up until 11 or midnight (or later, like last night) and then sleep until Sophie needs to get up for school at 7 a.m. This means I don't get to work until 10 or 10:30, which is fine since I don't have a boss yelling at me, but it's not helping me be as productive or helpful to Mark as I need to be. My plan is to leave the house at 8 a.m. and be at work by 8:30. I'll let you know tomorrow how that one goes.
Notice there are no radical diet or exercise changes. I made those in 2007! This year, I'm sticking to running (ran 5 miles Sunday in 54 minutes, which is darn good considering I'm almost 10 pounds heavier than I was when I ran my half in October, and I've not been running regularly since October either) and I'm going to do the 100 push up challenge (started that yesterday, too). I'll probably throw in some pilates DVDs as needed, which Sophie will do with me. On the diet side, I really just need to focus on not eating at night. That's where I sabotage myself. And if I stick to change #10, this shouldn't be a problem because I'll be asleep by 10 p.m. instead of eating oreos.
These are not New Year's resolutions. I don't want to set myself up for failure by labeling these resolutions. They are lifestyle changes that I have to make for the sake of our family's future well being. I'm sure there will be missteps along the way, because change is hard. But for now, I feel really good about what we are doing.
Are you making any radical changes in your life this year?
Now for today's post:
I've decided to make some radical changes in my life, mainly out of necessity because we need to reign in the household spending. Believe me, I much prefer the status quo because I'm basically lazy, but life is kicking me in the pants and telling me I need to get with the program.
Change #1: So the first radical change is to make a weekly menu plan & grocery list and shop once a week.
Change #2: The weekly menu plan goes hand in hand with no more eating at restaurants, fast food or otherwise, on a regular basis. The hubs is the worst about this, but if I don't have food ready for him that he will eat, then he drives thru. And we have spent way too much money over the years on convenience foods, and that is going to stop.
Change #3: I figured out how many meals I'd need to make this week, then created a grocery list, and spent two hours shopping on Saturday afternoon at 3 different stores. I used to do all our shopping at two stores--Schnucks (a St Louis based grocery chain, the best our town has to offer) and Target--on week nights with kids in tow. I despise Wal-Mart, but I have gone over to the dark side because I'm now in money saving mode. And we also now have an Aldi, which has crazy low prices. I'll still shop at Schnucks because they have good meat and produce, but that's all I'm buying there. Saturday I spent around $150 for all our food for the week. And I don't care what I run out of--I'm not shopping again until next Saturday.
Change #4: I'm cooking like it's nobody's business. I made a pork roast Saturday night in the crock pot. First time ever! I know, I know, but still, I'm just learning to cook and a roast, to me, is intimidating. Turns out I cooked the darn thing too long and ended up with about half the meat I should have, but oh well. I'm learning. Mark liked it anyway. Tonight I'm making meatloaf. First time for that, too.
Change #5: Making a budget and sticking to it. This is going to be the toughest. But I'm serious about this money saving stuff and we're cracking down just like the rest of the country. No more impulse buying or spending unnecessary money on myself or the kiddos. I should have been doing this 5 years ago. Better late than never, I suppose.
Change #6: We cancelled our gym membership. Scratch #5 being the toughest. This is the toughest. No more swim lessons for Sophie. No more treadmill for me. No more body pump classes. No more easy summer-time pool for the family. It's going to be hard, but seriously? I just need to get over myself. Many, many people survive & thrive without a membership to the most expensive gym in town. I think we'll live.
Change #7: I'm clipping coupons! And using them!
Change #8: The little things that I used to think were no big deal, I realize all add up. As in: I'm not using mousse in my hair anymore. I tried it one day without it, and it looks exactly the same. And I'm not going to buy $15 a can hairspray any more. Understand, my hair has always been my thing, ever since I was in junior high. But it's stick straight, and the only thing that needs a spray is my bangs, so why do I need Big Sexy Hair hairspray? I don't. And my mascara is now L'oreal instead of Estee Lauder. Also, I'm not using paper towels for every little thing in the kitchen. I got one of our chamois cloths and am using a new one each day (a new one every day will hopefully keep the nasty germies away). We go through so many paper towels, it's nuts. This is going to cut that back big time. And I'm using half the laundry detergent I used to, and so far the clothes are just as clean as before. And I'm turning down the thermostat to 65 while we're at work. I'm sure there are more things I'll think of along the way.
Change #9: I'm implementing the parent skill lessons I've learned in Beyond Time Out. I'm still on a learning curve but I'm serious about changing things for the better for my kids. And my sanity.
Change #10: This one I have yet to implement, but it starts tonight. I'm going to bed at a decent time and waking up at a decent time. My habit has been to stay up until 11 or midnight (or later, like last night) and then sleep until Sophie needs to get up for school at 7 a.m. This means I don't get to work until 10 or 10:30, which is fine since I don't have a boss yelling at me, but it's not helping me be as productive or helpful to Mark as I need to be. My plan is to leave the house at 8 a.m. and be at work by 8:30. I'll let you know tomorrow how that one goes.
Notice there are no radical diet or exercise changes. I made those in 2007! This year, I'm sticking to running (ran 5 miles Sunday in 54 minutes, which is darn good considering I'm almost 10 pounds heavier than I was when I ran my half in October, and I've not been running regularly since October either) and I'm going to do the 100 push up challenge (started that yesterday, too). I'll probably throw in some pilates DVDs as needed, which Sophie will do with me. On the diet side, I really just need to focus on not eating at night. That's where I sabotage myself. And if I stick to change #10, this shouldn't be a problem because I'll be asleep by 10 p.m. instead of eating oreos.
These are not New Year's resolutions. I don't want to set myself up for failure by labeling these resolutions. They are lifestyle changes that I have to make for the sake of our family's future well being. I'm sure there will be missteps along the way, because change is hard. But for now, I feel really good about what we are doing.
Are you making any radical changes in your life this year?
Friday, January 09, 2009
31 degrees + No wind + 3.5 miles = Magic
(I wrote this on Thursday but ran out of time to post it....)
So yesterday was a bit of a rough day. Sophie woke up dizzy and I was PMS'ing, big time. I still hadn't run or worked out (my Tuesday night run got derailed because Sophie was feeling sick after school). And I felt like I was behind in everything. After all, the Christmas decorations are all still up.
I spent the day at home with Sophie, and Mark took Luke to day care. It wasn't a very productive day, I was pretty out of it. By the time Mark got home with Luke, I had at least done a load of laundry & made dinner from scratch (nothing frozen or processed, woohoo!).
Mark knew something was wrong with me, but there wasn't really any one specific thing "wrong." I just needed to go running.
And that's what I told him. I need to run. But I can't run. Because I'm stuck here with kids. And he said--just go run, now.
So I did.
By the time I was dressed and had my iPod in my ears playing Jack Ingram, I was already feeling better before I'd even turned on my Garmin.
I checked the weather before I got my running stuff on to see how many layers I needed. 31 degrees and no wind = base layer of tech fabrics + fleece + hat & gloves. I left around 20 minutes to 7 p.m., so I figured I'd run a few laps around the neighborhood and see how many miles I could put in before 7:30.
By the end of the first lap (1.1 miles around our neighborhood), I took off my fleece pants. I was starting to feel more human. By the second lap, I took off my hat & gloves. By the end of the third lap and the end of my run, which I added a few tenths to so I could finish at 3.5 miles, I felt 100% better.
And I also felt silly for not getting out there sooner.
Now I want to run again tonight.
***
Friday's addition: No running last night. Sophie was dizzy again Thursday, but not horribly. She stayed at my sister's who lives 25 minutes north of us and we didn't get home until almost 7 p.m. And she's better today. Made it to school, even though an hour late because I have to give her time to adjust and move slowly on days when she wakes up a little dizzy but it goes away.
I'm still really really in need of more running. I can feel myself losing my mind because I've not gotten in enough mileage. I have yet to figure out a cure. I know I could get up early. I know I could run after the kids are in bed. But neither time is ideal and it's more of a force myself thing at those times. I may be getting close, though, to needing to force myself.
Tonight we are taking the kids to the Monster Truck rally. We've never been before, but thought Luke would like it. We have got earplugs and ear "muffs" before you warn me it's loud! I hope we all have fun.
A note on Sophie's dizzy spells for Helen and anyone else who's interested: We've had Sophie tested for the major dizzy causers--BPPV, menier's, brain tumor, other inner ear stuff, seizures (although there is one more EEG we'll probably do this summer after school's out for more on this type of thing). Nothing is positive, which is good and bad. The bad news is that we have no way to cure it. The Epley maneuver unfortunately only works with BPPV and she doesn't have it, so that is no help. Thankfully the episodes at least seem to be lessening in severity and duration as she gets older, and we've found that a small dose of ativan seems to help somewhat (although not completely, 100% of the time). Perhaps we'll do more testing. I'm just not sure how much I want to put us all through just to have the doctors tell us they still can't figure it out.
So yesterday was a bit of a rough day. Sophie woke up dizzy and I was PMS'ing, big time. I still hadn't run or worked out (my Tuesday night run got derailed because Sophie was feeling sick after school). And I felt like I was behind in everything. After all, the Christmas decorations are all still up.
I spent the day at home with Sophie, and Mark took Luke to day care. It wasn't a very productive day, I was pretty out of it. By the time Mark got home with Luke, I had at least done a load of laundry & made dinner from scratch (nothing frozen or processed, woohoo!).
Mark knew something was wrong with me, but there wasn't really any one specific thing "wrong." I just needed to go running.
And that's what I told him. I need to run. But I can't run. Because I'm stuck here with kids. And he said--just go run, now.
So I did.
By the time I was dressed and had my iPod in my ears playing Jack Ingram, I was already feeling better before I'd even turned on my Garmin.
I checked the weather before I got my running stuff on to see how many layers I needed. 31 degrees and no wind = base layer of tech fabrics + fleece + hat & gloves. I left around 20 minutes to 7 p.m., so I figured I'd run a few laps around the neighborhood and see how many miles I could put in before 7:30.
By the end of the first lap (1.1 miles around our neighborhood), I took off my fleece pants. I was starting to feel more human. By the second lap, I took off my hat & gloves. By the end of the third lap and the end of my run, which I added a few tenths to so I could finish at 3.5 miles, I felt 100% better.
And I also felt silly for not getting out there sooner.
Now I want to run again tonight.
***
Friday's addition: No running last night. Sophie was dizzy again Thursday, but not horribly. She stayed at my sister's who lives 25 minutes north of us and we didn't get home until almost 7 p.m. And she's better today. Made it to school, even though an hour late because I have to give her time to adjust and move slowly on days when she wakes up a little dizzy but it goes away.
I'm still really really in need of more running. I can feel myself losing my mind because I've not gotten in enough mileage. I have yet to figure out a cure. I know I could get up early. I know I could run after the kids are in bed. But neither time is ideal and it's more of a force myself thing at those times. I may be getting close, though, to needing to force myself.
Tonight we are taking the kids to the Monster Truck rally. We've never been before, but thought Luke would like it. We have got earplugs and ear "muffs" before you warn me it's loud! I hope we all have fun.
A note on Sophie's dizzy spells for Helen and anyone else who's interested: We've had Sophie tested for the major dizzy causers--BPPV, menier's, brain tumor, other inner ear stuff, seizures (although there is one more EEG we'll probably do this summer after school's out for more on this type of thing). Nothing is positive, which is good and bad. The bad news is that we have no way to cure it. The Epley maneuver unfortunately only works with BPPV and she doesn't have it, so that is no help. Thankfully the episodes at least seem to be lessening in severity and duration as she gets older, and we've found that a small dose of ativan seems to help somewhat (although not completely, 100% of the time). Perhaps we'll do more testing. I'm just not sure how much I want to put us all through just to have the doctors tell us they still can't figure it out.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Can't get there from here
Man, it's been forever since I've visited Blog World. I feel like I've been away from home for a week and need to reconnect. I miss you guys!
So New Year's was uneventful. Mark worked all day long and didn't get home until after 6 p.m. on NYE. We made it to our friends' house by 8 p.m. (it was a family get together with kids, so no partying going on, although I did take my margaritas with me), and we left at 11 p.m. The kids both fell asleep in the car on the way home. Mark & I rang in the New Year with Dick Clark & Ryan Seacrest (bless Dick Clark's heart for soldering on inspite of his stroke). Very, very low key. And boring. But, what's a 38 year old married mom gonna do?
Monday we were all back to work & school again. It's still tough to get up in the morning & get to bed on time after 2 weeks of a flexible schedule, but it's getting easier.
On the food and exercise front--there's nothing good to report (except that I'm still holding steady at 155ish). I have been a complete slacker since I finished my 500 miles on 12/30 (and yes Lori & Shauna, I love The Proclaimers song by that name!). I've run and lifted weights in my mind dozens of times, but I have yet to get my ever-spreading behind in gear. I feel like I'm stuck, and still can't get out of my end- of- the- year rut. Like I can't get where I want to go from where I am now, mentally.
Mainly it's because I'm focused on other things than diet & exercise right now (which, as I think of it, is that really a bad thing?). Like learning how to be a more effective parent with this book, and figuring out how to stop eating out & cooking more at home & getting my husband to eat at home by reading several cook books. And figuring out how to save money and cut back. Because that's what we're all doing in 2009, right?
And a new year means lots of stuff to do at work. I won't bore you with details, but I've basically no time to visit blogs during the day and by the evening I'm too fried to look at a computer monitor any longer.
So it's going to take some effort to put myself on the priority list again.
I'll get there eventually. It just may take some creative navigation.
So New Year's was uneventful. Mark worked all day long and didn't get home until after 6 p.m. on NYE. We made it to our friends' house by 8 p.m. (it was a family get together with kids, so no partying going on, although I did take my margaritas with me), and we left at 11 p.m. The kids both fell asleep in the car on the way home. Mark & I rang in the New Year with Dick Clark & Ryan Seacrest (bless Dick Clark's heart for soldering on inspite of his stroke). Very, very low key. And boring. But, what's a 38 year old married mom gonna do?
Monday we were all back to work & school again. It's still tough to get up in the morning & get to bed on time after 2 weeks of a flexible schedule, but it's getting easier.
On the food and exercise front--there's nothing good to report (except that I'm still holding steady at 155ish). I have been a complete slacker since I finished my 500 miles on 12/30 (and yes Lori & Shauna, I love The Proclaimers song by that name!). I've run and lifted weights in my mind dozens of times, but I have yet to get my ever-spreading behind in gear. I feel like I'm stuck, and still can't get out of my end- of- the- year rut. Like I can't get where I want to go from where I am now, mentally.
Mainly it's because I'm focused on other things than diet & exercise right now (which, as I think of it, is that really a bad thing?). Like learning how to be a more effective parent with this book, and figuring out how to stop eating out & cooking more at home & getting my husband to eat at home by reading several cook books. And figuring out how to save money and cut back. Because that's what we're all doing in 2009, right?
And a new year means lots of stuff to do at work. I won't bore you with details, but I've basically no time to visit blogs during the day and by the evening I'm too fried to look at a computer monitor any longer.
So it's going to take some effort to put myself on the priority list again.
I'll get there eventually. It just may take some creative navigation.
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