I've seen a lot of Guy Movies over the past 15 years that I've known my husband. The Outlaw Josey Wales, The Maltese Falcon, & Cool Hand Luke are a few of my favorites.
This morning as I was walking in to work, a line from Cool Hand Luke flickered through my memory. "You've got to get your mind right," the Boss says to Luke as Luke's digging his own grave in the prison yard.
While I've not committed any crimes & I don't have an SOB prison guard standing over me, I feel like I'm in a prison of my own making right now. And I need to get my mind right or I'm going to be shoveling my way out of my own deep hole, very soon.
Before I joined LA Weight Loss in February 2007, I was always playing the mind game of "I'll eat this box of donuts now, but tomorrow I will definitely stop! I'm just going to eat this now to get through the _____________(insert the mood of the moment--boredom, anger, sadness, happiness, stress, busyness, overwhelmedness, depression, rain, sunshine, winter blahs, blah blah blah). Tomorrow I will, I WILL, start to eat right & won't do this anymore."
For a good solid year, I didn't play this game. And really, I guess it's been almost two years since it's now February of 2009.
But I guess two years is my Statute of Limitations on the Give Up the Bullshit Thinking issue.
Because it's back. In full force. And I'm smack dab back in the self-imposed prison of denial & misery.
I haven't bought a box of powdered donuts yet--they were a huge problem for me & I simply loved everything about the little bastards (except for how fat they helped make me). But I've been looking longingly at them while grocery shopping, and last night I even picked up a bag and considered putting it in my cart.
Instead I bought a pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish food, hid it in the back of the freezer when I got home, and ate it in secret while the kids played with the hubs. I then hid the empty container at the bottom of the trash can.
I even ate some cookie dough in the bathroom the other day, hiding from the kids so they wouldn't want any.
This is some seriously f*cked up behavior. And I can't believe I'm living it again.
I know it's hard--unbearably hard--to change life long coping mechanisms. It's practically heroic to establish new coping mechanisms that won't slip away and be replaced by the old ones. I used to feel like a hero, and felt like I'd mostly replaced my food issues with running & strength training.
But since the exercise & the endorphins it provides has been virtually non-existent the past couple of weeks, the bad old coping strategies are back.
And I hate them. I hate everything about the after. The before & during, I'm pretty much back to being a zombie & in robot mode. Not in control--like the foods are putting themselves in my hands and I have no choice but to accept them.
Ultimately, I think this is about control. I have completely lost control over so many things in my life right now. And the way I'm dealing with the lack of control is to say "F*ck it, I don't care about my weight, my body, my health. All I want is to feel better NOW. NOW is all that matters. Later will have to wait because I can't deal with later. Food makes me feel better now. So I will eat what I need now, because I can. To hell with the consequences."
Obviously, I've gotta get my mind right. I know this. I know that living like this is the path to weighing 200 pounds again. I know that living in denial is going to only get me tighter clothes & more unhappiness. I know that, in the end, this destructive behavior leads me to hate myself. Not just because of the fat, but because of the shame of the addiction.
Getting my mind right is what I'm working on right now. I'm not feeling all that strong, though, so I'm simply taking things a moment at a time. And praying like crazy for strength, purpose, and a desire to remember that my actions, whether good or bad, have consequences.
I don't want to stay in these chains any longer. I'll get my mind right, and then I'll be set free.