Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Perseverance vs. Internalization

First the good stuff.

Yesterday I was determined to run. It was so gorgeous by the afternoon--sunny & 70. Around 4:15 I finally got around to changing into my running clothes, only to discover I'd forgotten my socks. I hate it when that happens! After a brief thought of running without them, I quickly came to my senses & drove the short mile to my local running store. Got a pair of Balega socks & stocked up on Gu, and I was hitting the pavement by 4:40. I parked at Luke's day care & figured I run 3 miles & be back with just enough time to pick him up around 5:20.

I ran 3, and they felt great. My pace is still not where I want it to be, but that's OK. The extra 10 pounds really slow me down. My avg m/m was 11:08, which I will take at this stage of the game.

And I felt freaking amazing afterwards (and during). Very at peace. Like everything is going to be okay. This, my friends, is the wonder of running. And endorphins.

I had a busy night--Mark's back in school after his spring break so it's just me with the kids on Mon, Tues, & Wed--but it was manageable. I ate well all day, including a healthy low carb dinner. Kiddos were in bed when they should be. I made a cup of hot tea and got in bed at 9:00, and by 9:15 I was falling asleep.

The plan was to get to sleep early & wake up at 5 a.m. and do 30 Day Shred. I figured I would have plenty of sleep & I am figuring out that I've got to add morning exercise to my day or I'm just not going to get the muscles I want so badly for our trip in June to St John.

But, then, of course, the shit hit the fan & my plans imploded.

Mark got in bed around 11:30, turned on the TV, and then promptly started tossing, turning, shivering, & snoring. He must be coming down with something because he couldn't get warm. And he couldn't stay still & I couldn't fall back to sleep. So off to the couch with me.

But I was so resentful & angry, and I buried those feelings in cookies. And then a bowl of grape nuts. And when I still couldn't sleep after midnight I started watching a movie. I still had a hope that I could get up at 5, but it was a sliver, at best.

At 2:45 Luke woke up, calling "Mommy, can I get up yet?" NO! You can't get up! I tucked him back in, turned on his lullaby CD, and he stayed put. But I was up again. No food this go round, because I felt a little sick from the midnight carb loading. But I was still seething.

Then at 4 a.m. Sophie is awake. For the 2nd night in a row. It's probably the new straterra, which she's taking at night so she'll sleep through the side affects. So I had to move to her bed to help her get back to sleep. It took her a good hour to fall asleep again, and I tossed & turned right beside her.

5 a.m. came & went. No wake up for me. No workout. Only disappointment. & a little bit of sleep.

At 6:15 the dog started whining & crying. So I finally just gave up & got out of Sophie's bed. Thankfully the coffee had brewed at 5 a.m. (love the automatic coffee pot), but I sat on the couch watching CNBC at 6:30 just pissed at the world.

While I was getting my shower this morning I kept asking myself---WHY MUST I INTERNALIZE EVERYONE ELSE'S ISSUES? And why do I feel the need to punish myself, my body, my family (in an indirect way, but I still feel like I'm punishing them, too) by eating crap in the middle of the night? I know I'm stuffing down the feelings. But WHY do the feelings erupt at all? Why can't I just disconnect and deal with the interruptions with grace, poise, and peace?

I don't feel hopeless this morning, mostly because the sun is shining & it's going to be 72 today, and both the kids are at school (hallelujah!!!!) and Mark is at work, and I am going to run this afternoon at least 5 miles, come hell or high water.

But I've got this internalization issue stuck in my craw. I think it's at the crux of it all.

So, now what I need to know is, how in the hell does that get fixed?


Mary said...

Totally none of my business, but kids the age of yours (with a working mom!) should be able to get themselves to sleep and if they wake up in the middle of the night, should not expect it to be your problem. *You* deserve to have kids that can do this and *they* deserve to be able to do this on their own. Giving your children self sufficiency is a gift to them and to you.

Laura N said...

Hey Mary! No worries about butting into my business... that's what a blog's all about, right?

Independent sleep is something we've been working on for a few months. They both get themselves to sleep by themselves after stories & hugs, of about 5 minutes each night. No music, no lights other than the hall light. The middle of the night wake ups for Luke are rare, & he went right back out (I used the music as a total crutch last night--he used to listen to it every night falling asleep but I read a book that said that was a bad idea, so we stopped that except in cases like last night where I'm a wreck & can't deal!).

Sophie is another story. Yep, I baby her a bit too much. She's had health issues her whole life, & now is on a new medication for ADHD that is messing with her sleep. Usu. if she wakes up at night she never bothers me. She tells me in the morning if she woke up & went pee or just woke up for some reason, & she didn't wake me up. But right now is a rough time for her. The night before last she was up from 4 to almost 7 a.m. & was 2 hours late for school because I had to let her get some sleep. I was determined not to have a repeat of that today, so I laid down with her so she would sleep & *I* could sleep. It worked for her--she rode the bus today.

Frankly, my husband is the big problem in my sleep issues. He doesn't need as much sleep as I do & snores like a train when he does sleep. I need a separate bedroom!

That's a long explanation but I wanted to clarify 'cause I bet others think the same thing.

Tish said...

I sometimes have a sleepless night, worrying about my elderly Dad or whatever. Usually I try to get done whatever is on my mind (. . .taxes anyone?).

I just had a thought for you tho', and I applies equally to me. How about doing your planned early am exercise during the night if you're up anyway? I wouldn't run outside, but it's easy enough to pop in the DVD.

Bea said...

Hi, I read and enjoy your comments on Vickie's blog and today decided to mosey over here and read "in person."

I am 52 and have had the usual menopausal sleep issues for the past two years. In the past two years I have regained 20 of the 65 pounds I lost. Are they related? You betcha. Interrupted sleep = carb starvation as well as no energy to plan or exercise. I finally got some estrogen and am sleeping. The sleep has given me my life back. Good luck on your (husband, kids) sleep issues.

Jill said...

Oh my gosh, I have had nights EXACTLY like this. It's so frustrating when all you want to do is get a good night's sleep and everything seems to be conspiring against you. Maybe tonight you'll get some sleep.

If at first you don't succeed...


Vickie said...

I thought most of my sleep problem was me - my husband was out of town a lot - on and off last year - and I realized that 'my sleep problem' WAS him. He flips like a fish, twitches, snores, startles, etc. We do now sleep in separate beds - and that took care of the problem totally. The side benefit is that the kids let me sleep and wake him - obviously that doesn't happen much any more (11, 15, 19)but it does still happen. The ONLY time that anyone has woke me in the past year is the night that the oldest called when his roommate was drunk and peeing all over the room. My husband answered and talked to him - but then thought I might be able to think of something he had forgotten - so he woke me. My husband sleeps with the phone ringer on for emergencies. Everyone at my house GUARDS my sleep now. And I don't feel the slightest bit bad about it - they were ALL the cause of my sleep problems and it is only fair that I get to sleep now. My maintenance is very much linked to my sleep.

MCM Mama said...

Sorry you had a crappy night! I know that bad sleep totally wrecks my eating the next day as I always carbo binge when tired. I kick Beer Geek out of bed when he's sleeping like that. Thankfully there is a bed in the basement, so he goes down there.

Hope everyone has a better night tonight!

kilax said...

Ugh! What a night! Was Tuesday a better day?

I gained some weight over the holidays and it really slowed down my running, but I kept at it, and the speed came back (and the pounds off). Were you able to get back out there on Tuesday?

LG said...

I've been internalizing a lot of things lately too. So I completely understand that and the seething anger part. (That would make a great rock band name, wouldn't it? The Seething Angers! Live!)

Part of my seething anger is the feeling of being ignored or not having my needs met as well as well, chronic bitchiness/PMS. I think for me, I think, "Well, if I take care of this and that, obviously someone else is going to see what I've been doing and it will be my turn." And you know what? That doesn't happen because people aren't mind readers. But boy, do I hate that! :-) My point is that you take care of a lot of people and you get help, but it's hard for you to take care of yourself. I'm probably rambling but I really do understand and I don't have any kids.