Once you hit bottom, I guess there's no place to go but up. Right?
This morning I found some old pictures of me from before I was pregnant with Luke. It was like looking at another person. I *know* I spent the majority of my adult life around 200 pounds, but the past year and a half has made me feel like a new person. And I want to forget that I ever looked like that.
But recent life events have pulled me back into the old lifestyle of eating for comfort & not working out, and that's pulled my body back toward the way I used to look. No, I don't look like I weigh 200 pounds. No, my face is not round & undefined. My arms aren't huge & my pants aren't a size 18. But an extra 15 pounds from my lowest weight this fall has me feeling squishy & wearing very tight clothes.
And I'm scared. Because I feel myself falling further & further down the slippery slope. It's entirely possible--and hell, if I look at the ridiculously low statistics of people who are able to maintain a weight loss, it's probable--that I could weigh 200 pounds again.
I don't want that. I don't want to look like the woman in the pictures from 4 years ago. Or even 2 years ago. I don't want to be another negative statistic. Or someone people gossip about--"Oh, I knew she'd never be able to keep that weight off."
I want to run. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to wear sun dresses & shorts & skirts & tank tops with confidence. I want to be strong.
The trick is figuring out how to want all that when I'm bored, tired, depressed, sad, angry, happy, scared, sleepy, or any other emotion that drives me to eat.
How the heck did I do what I did in 2007? Where do I begin again? That's how I feel. Like I'm starting from scratch & have no clue how I'm ever going to lose the weight I want --no, need -- to lose.
Like just about every dieter, I know the mechanics. That's not the problem.
It's the "I want this more than anything else" that I need to find again.
And then I read this post, linked to from Natalie, and the last sentence just gave me a big ole bitch slap: "No one likes a whiner - they suck the ever livin life out of you. "
I'm so damn tired of being a whiner. I need a good kick in the ass is what I need (gee, 3 curse words in one edit.... nice).