Friday, March 13, 2009

Where do I start?

Once you hit bottom, I guess there's no place to go but up. Right?

This morning I found some old pictures of me from before I was pregnant with Luke. It was like looking at another person. I *know* I spent the majority of my adult life around 200 pounds, but the past year and a half has made me feel like a new person. And I want to forget that I ever looked like that.

But recent life events have pulled me back into the old lifestyle of eating for comfort & not working out, and that's pulled my body back toward the way I used to look. No, I don't look like I weigh 200 pounds. No, my face is not round & undefined. My arms aren't huge & my pants aren't a size 18. But an extra 15 pounds from my lowest weight this fall has me feeling squishy & wearing very tight clothes.

And I'm scared. Because I feel myself falling further & further down the slippery slope. It's entirely possible--and hell, if I look at the ridiculously low statistics of people who are able to maintain a weight loss, it's probable--that I could weigh 200 pounds again.

I don't want that. I don't want to look like the woman in the pictures from 4 years ago. Or even 2 years ago. I don't want to be another negative statistic. Or someone people gossip about--"Oh, I knew she'd never be able to keep that weight off."

I want to run. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to wear sun dresses & shorts & skirts & tank tops with confidence. I want to be strong.

The trick is figuring out how to want all that when I'm bored, tired, depressed, sad, angry, happy, scared, sleepy, or any other emotion that drives me to eat.

How the heck did I do what I did in 2007? Where do I begin again? That's how I feel. Like I'm starting from scratch & have no clue how I'm ever going to lose the weight I want --no, need -- to lose.

Like just about every dieter, I know the mechanics. That's not the problem.

It's the "I want this more than anything else" that I need to find again.


***EDIT***
And then I read this post, linked to from Natalie, and the last sentence just gave me a big ole bitch slap: "No one likes a whiner - they suck the ever livin life out of you. "

I'm so damn tired of being a whiner. I need a good kick in the ass is what I need (gee, 3 curse words in one edit.... nice).

8 comments:

Helen said...

Oh Laura, you are SO RIGHT. That is the feeling that you have to have and, I'm afraid, keep. I am missing that feeling right now too. But it's stirring...I did better this week. It will stir again for you too...and when 5 lbs. is off from where you are now (which doesn't take long when you buckle down), your clothes will feel better and you'll be inspired to continue. At least that's what I'm counting on! I'm actually thinking that the tight clothes are a blessing...they help keep me mindful. :-)

I'm taking the Crack book with me this weekend and I am determined to learn. So far, it's fascinating.

Hang in...eat one good meal a day, then two, then run...baby steps like Vickie says. Don't beat yourself up if you can't do it all at once...I think that can be a real downfall, i.e., "I can't do it all so I'll do none."

Hugs

G.G. said...

I don't know what to say, because what you're writing is so familiar, and all I want to do is encourage you, and tell you to just keep wanting and trying and it IS going to sort itself out. It is. Lots of love to you--

Heather said...

I know that feeling, and its probably my biggest fear as well that I will just start on a downward path back to a place I dont want to be. but use that fear to get you out of where you are at and into safer territory. its that fear that keeps me going and avoiding things I shouldnt be eating or not exercising when I should be. life is hard and we all go through tough spots where we do feel a bit lost. its hard to maintain and keep things straight, but youll pull yourself out of this and keep going on the right path.

Cindy...154 said...

I know exactly how you fee. I refuse to weigh anymore than I do right now. I refuse to go back to old habits, to eat like I used to. I refuse. I know the tight pants feeling and the frustration but I am not going back. I have to say that over and over. I can't stand this extra ten pounds so I am going to keep trying and NEVER give up on losing it back. But no matter what I am not gaining any more. Thanks for writing about this. You are not alone. We need to draw our line in the sand.

Cindy...154 said...

That's "Feel" not "fee" I can't type today. Too out of practice from working the warehouse this week..

sharla*** said...

Just a thought ,as I have felt the very same way before, have you had your hormones tested?

Even though, I had a hysterectomy and was on estrogen, I was feeling the same symptoms as you describe, so I went and had mine tested and was started on a bit of progesterone cream and testosterone- I have energy and I'm actually getting stuff done.My eating has went back to normal for me, instead of massive carb cravings

Just a thought!

kilax said...

What's different now than before? What's going on in your life? Is it stress? Is it emotional? You CAN identify it and YOU can get back on track. I think a lot of people have lapses - you can beat this one!

Shauna said...

oh laura... be kind to your lovely self. hang in there comrade xxox