Friday, March 20, 2009

Nothing gold can stay

This time of year, as the trees bloom and the daffodils unfold, reminds me of the famous Robert Frost poem.

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Yesterday as I got a call from Sophie's school around 1 p.m., telling me she had a headache & was feeling dizzy, I thought of the poem again. My golden days of normal had evaporated again. My girl was back in her dark place. I picked her up, gave her some medicine, and thankfully she felt better but didn't go back to school. I didn't run, either, and generally had a really crappy night.

Then, this morning, everything has changed again.

Mark's brother died suddenly this morning of a heart attack. Keith had had two previous heart attacks in the past 3 years, so he was on medication & watching his diet & excercising. But the damage was already done & the genetic deck remained stacked against him; their dad died at age 51 of a massive heart attack, and heart disease runs through almost every family in the N. family tree.

Keith had the heart attack at work (he works--worked--night shifts) like the other two, but this time he didn't make it. He was 57. He died almost 3 years to the day from when Mark's mom died, which was on March 21, 2006.

Obviously this is going to be a very difficult weekend, & the funeral is likely going to be Monday or Tuesday. I have to be honest, though. My tears are not just for Keith & his family. I'm crying for myself, out of pure fear.

I cannot begin to express how concerned I am about my own husband's health. He's 46, is struggling with a weight gain over the past year, and hasn't exercised in months. His stress level is insane & he rarely sleeps well. Clearly, he's a walking time bomb.

It's terrifying.

He knows & I know what he needs to do to change his health. Will his brother's death make a difference? I honestly don't know.

I do know that I have always believed in my husband. I have two mottos for him that I've used to support him through the years.

The first is "Perseverance prevails when all else fails."

And, "You make the impossible, possible."

I pray that these apply to his health. I pray that despite everything that's fighting against him, God will find a way to make Mark the exception to the rule. I pray that God protects his heart while we can get his lifestyle fixed. I pray for healing of the damage in his heart that's already done. I pray that Mark doesn't let the seemingly inevitable destroy him. I pray he is lifted above this impossible situation & made whole.

Most of all, I just pray that he's not taken from me and my children until he's old, grey, crotchety, and senile. Then it will be okay. Anytime before that is simply unthinkable.

21 comments:

Carly said...

Laura, I am so sorry! (((hugs))) to you and your family. That is way to young to die.

I hope Sophie is feeling better soon.

Jodie said...

Laura, I am so sorry to hear your loss. You and your family are in my prayers. And I will add extra words for Mark. I know that at times like these, it is so difficult to find comfort, but trust in God, he is there for you, and in him, put your faith.

I'll be thinking about you!
!!Hugs & Prayers!!
Jodie

MCM Mama said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayers for your family.

kilax said...

I am so sorry to hear about your husband's brother. My dad's brother died in a similar way, and I have shared your fear for him every since.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. *hugs*

LG said...

Laura, I'm so sorry to hear about Sophie and so, so sorry to hear about Mark's brother. I'm so sad and I understand your fear very, very well.

Cindy...154 said...

I am praying right along with you. I am so sorry this happened. I know it must be difficult. Thank you for writing about it and letting me know what is going on. Take extra care in the days ahead. Thoughts and prayers go out to all of you and especially your hubby. Nothing seems Normal anymore lately..at least not for very long. Lots of love..

Jilligan said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Helen said...

So sorry to hear all this...and I totally sympathize with the fear of losing a partner...that is the scariest thing I can think of really. I hope this ends up being a good thing for Mark...and for you. Love and hugs...

Shauna said...

I'm so sorry to hear this Laura... thinking of you all xxox

Heather said...

I am so sorry to hear about your loss!

Jill said...

Hugs, Laura. I am so so sorry, and you have every right to be scared. I'm scared for you. Let's pray and hope that this will be the impetus for change.

Take care Sweets - I'll be praying for you.

Annimal said...

I'm writing this on the very slim chance you don't know this... Don't sit around waiting for your husband's health to decline. Immediately he should see a a top notch cardiologist and have a complete cardiac workup done. He should be on lipid lowering drugs and have his blood pressure monitored. He also is a candidate for a cardiac CT. It's very much indicated for someone with such a high risk factor.
God keep you in this time of your family's grief.

debbyweighsin said...

Laura, I have been praying for you and your family. I hope that you and your husband can work together to make some positive changes to his life.

Vickie said...

I wasn't around much this weekend - so sorry to hear of your loss - and I can understand your fears.

Everyone that posted before me - had very good insight. I felt the strength of their words.

I was struck by the fact that the fear that you feel is probably what most of our families felt about US (the 'before' US).

Vickie said...

have wondered about you all day - thinking that the funeral was probably today or tomorrow. write when you have a minute - even if it very short. . .thinking about you.

Doc Manette said...

Laura, I am so sorry to read about Keith's death. Prayers to you, Mark and your family.

I also hope that Sophie is doing better today and pray that sweet beautiful girl gets some relief soon.

Vickie said...

thought about you all day today too - they were talking (in yoga today) about how we are all to a reality age and can no longer drift peacefully along just expecting everything to be rosy by magic. I was not talking - I was listening - because it was very much like a conversationt that we all would have. . .

Helen said...

Thinking of you and the family...

Jennifer :-) said...

Oh my goodness, I am SO sorry for your loss....and pray for your husband's health as well.

Pokey said...

I am so sorry Laura!!! I am hoping that this dark cloud has a silver lining for you and hubby. Sometimes things like this are just the catalyst we need to make a change.

HUGS and prayers to you and your family.

Non-Runner Nancy said...

Oh Hon, I'm so sorry. I understand your fear, too. Hugs.