Ah, yes, the scale continues to go up. I am just glad that I lost 10 pounds before Sophie's surgery and am at 153 instead of 163.
I. am. so. tired. It's like having a newborn again, getting up every few hours to give Sophie her pain meds or put drops in her ears. I know we're getting close to the end of this, but it's really sucked the life out of me.
Sorry to be a broken record. I've been whining for days now. I'm even starting to bore myself.
Yesterday I took a long bath and pondered this emotional eating problem I have. I kept trying to pin down what it is that I'm trying to achieve when I eat junk food at 11 p.m. or 3 a.m. What I kept coming back to was the feeling that I was trying to escape, to get numb, to self-medicate. It's usually a feeling that comes on quickly and has to be assuaged immediately. I'm usually stressed, tired, anxious, or sad. And even if I bypass the kitchen at first, within a few minutes I find myself neck-deep in a compulsion I can't step away from until I've finished the job. I know what the consequences will be, yet I don't care.
I kept thinking that this must be what it's like to have a drug addiction. If you've ever seen the HBO series The Wire, you've seen the depiction of heroine addicts and how they live. I know my problem isn't that serious--please don't think I'm equating my food binges with a heroine addiction; I can't die from eating 4 cookies in one night--but the feeling of having to get a fix is what I kept coming back to when I thought and thought and thought WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?
I don't think this is a "just clean your house" or "take a hot bath" type of problem that I can solve from simple behavior modification. Or maybe it is. I don't know. I know that when I'm rested, exercised, and have mental energy reserves, I can keep the demons at bay. It's when I'm the opposite of these that I feel powerless over the food.
There's only so much control I have over my life. I can plan to workout and I can plan to rest, but shit happens and even the planned interruptions can derail me.
I'm thankful this is a temporary blip--that things will be back to normal soon. But what I also kept thinking as I soaked in the bath yesterday was, what if some really bad shit comes down, something that isn't temporary, something that would last for months or years? What then? Will you allow the emotional eating to take over for weeks on end and let yourself gain back 50 (or more) pounds? Hadn't you better get this figured out NOW while you can identify the problem and (eventually will) have the energy and presence of mind to put some proper coping mechanisms in place?
Right now, I'm too exhausted to figure this all out. But I've put the question out there and know I need to find answers. I just hope there are answers I can live with.