Last night's workout didn't happen because, like a good Mom who worries about her kids, I called home to check on Sophie before I went to the gym. Big huge massive mistake. She had been totally fine, my mom said, until she talked to me. Then she cried and whined and her ears hurt and wanted me to come home.
I put my needs over the kids' a lot of times--I have to or else I'd be a mommy martyr 24/7-- but I just couldn't see myself doing pilates while my daughter was home feeling miserable. She may have been fine if I'd gone, but she'd have known I chose to workout over comforting her, and I wasn't comfortable with that.
So what did I do when I got home? I ate. And ate. And ate. I ate until I nearly made myself sick. Oh, I'd planned on doing a DVD at home. I even got it out of the case, put it in the player, and watched a few minutes of it while Sophie sat on my lap and I told her she was going to have to give mommy 30 minutes to do my DVD, but I never actually did it.
My mom left around 6:30 and I was on my own with the kids. (DH left yesterday morning for Chicago for a business trip.) In the state I was in, and being a single parent for the night, I just lost all rational thought and control. I did a lot of damage in a mere 30 minutes. Then, at least, I was done. I couldn't have eaten even one thin mint, I was so full.
By the time they were both asleep around 9 p.m., I got online looking for help. This wasn't about gaining weight or not logging my points. This was a serious food binge, a coping strategy for the desperate. I hated feeling that way. Hated being out of control with the food.
The first site I visited was Frances Kuffel's. Frances posts a few times a week, sometimes less often, and so I check her site about once a week. On Monday she wrote exactly what I needed to read last night. This sentence, which is a twist on the OA first step, hit me in the gut:
"My life is unmanageable and I'm using food to get some power."
I almost started crying, her post was so powerful and exactly what I needed to read. My life has been really out of control this week--from Sophie's surgery and pain to my lack of sleep to our situation with work (my husband has been a real PITA to work with lately). And I've been using food to gain some control. As f*cked up as that is, it is what it is.
So, it is yet again another new day to try again to make things better. One of my other blogger favorites wrote on Monday and I just read it last night:
"It is disgustingly optimistic of me to say this, but I truly believe you can always start over tomorrow. Even if you eat a half-gallon of ice cream and a loaf of banana bread on Friday night, you can start fresh on Saturday. It is never too late to lose weight."
Today, then, my food choices are planned and I told my mom I'm not going to call home to check on Sophie. She can call me if she needs me, and I won't be available from 3:45 to 5:30 because I am going to run and do a weights class at the gym. Then tonight Mom is taking Luke to spend the night with her, and Sophie and I are going to get together with our church family group that gathers on Friday nights so I can talk with my friends and decompress a bit.
I'm thankful Sophie is doing so well. I know it could have been a much more difficult recovery. But this has been a bitch of a week. I'm ready for my normal again.