Friday, June 27, 2008

152.2 - Derailed but not done in

Last night's workout didn't happen because, like a good Mom who worries about her kids, I called home to check on Sophie before I went to the gym. Big huge massive mistake. She had been totally fine, my mom said, until she talked to me. Then she cried and whined and her ears hurt and wanted me to come home.

I put my needs over the kids' a lot of times--I have to or else I'd be a mommy martyr 24/7-- but I just couldn't see myself doing pilates while my daughter was home feeling miserable. She may have been fine if I'd gone, but she'd have known I chose to workout over comforting her, and I wasn't comfortable with that.

So what did I do when I got home? I ate. And ate. And ate. I ate until I nearly made myself sick. Oh, I'd planned on doing a DVD at home. I even got it out of the case, put it in the player, and watched a few minutes of it while Sophie sat on my lap and I told her she was going to have to give mommy 30 minutes to do my DVD, but I never actually did it.

My mom left around 6:30 and I was on my own with the kids. (DH left yesterday morning for Chicago for a business trip.) In the state I was in, and being a single parent for the night, I just lost all rational thought and control. I did a lot of damage in a mere 30 minutes. Then, at least, I was done. I couldn't have eaten even one thin mint, I was so full.

By the time they were both asleep around 9 p.m., I got online looking for help. This wasn't about gaining weight or not logging my points. This was a serious food binge, a coping strategy for the desperate. I hated feeling that way. Hated being out of control with the food.

The first site I visited was Frances Kuffel's. Frances posts a few times a week, sometimes less often, and so I check her site about once a week. On Monday she wrote exactly what I needed to read last night. This sentence, which is a twist on the OA first step, hit me in the gut:

"My life is unmanageable and I'm using food to get some power."

I almost started crying, her post was so powerful and exactly what I needed to read. My life has been really out of control this week--from Sophie's surgery and pain to my lack of sleep to our situation with work (my husband has been a real PITA to work with lately). And I've been using food to gain some control. As f*cked up as that is, it is what it is.

So, it is yet again another new day to try again to make things better. One of my other blogger favorites wrote on Monday and I just read it last night:

"It is disgustingly optimistic of me to say this, but I truly believe you can always start over tomorrow. Even if you eat a half-gallon of ice cream and a loaf of banana bread on Friday night, you can start fresh on Saturday. It is never too late to lose weight."

Today, then, my food choices are planned and I told my mom I'm not going to call home to check on Sophie. She can call me if she needs me, and I won't be available from 3:45 to 5:30 because I am going to run and do a weights class at the gym. Then tonight Mom is taking Luke to spend the night with her, and Sophie and I are going to get together with our church family group that gathers on Friday nights so I can talk with my friends and decompress a bit.

I'm thankful Sophie is doing so well. I know it could have been a much more difficult recovery. But this has been a bitch of a week. I'm ready for my normal again.


Vickie said...

really good post - because you are able to identify, quantify, evaluate.

I read/saw NO "Woe Is Me" I saw REALITY.

And if you figured out in one day - that is you call the kid implodes and if she doesn't hear from you - she is fine - you are WAY ahead of many other people - who repeatedly can't figure out why the same thing - which doesn't work - still isn't working.

I am curious to know WHAT it is you eat when you have those frantic, got to find comfort, numbness feelings.

What ever your baby steps are - visually putting your food in one spot in the refrigerator - making a written plan in advance - logging it somewhere - eliminating carbs - you might want to consider going back to WHAT EVER WORKED and was your beginning steps - and start from there.

Laura N said...

Hi Vickie. I hesitated to detail the food, just because I didn't want the food porn out there. But, since you asked... Normally I wouldn't have had the foods in the house that I ate last night. I ate Sophie's recovery food, which she has not been eating much of! Last night it was: 4 soft iced sugar cookies (180 cal each), 3/4 of a pint of choc ice cream, and a 440 calorie cinnamon roll.

It's always soft, cold, and sugary that I long for. When I'm mentally healthy, it's not a problem to avoid this stuff. Plus, I just don't keep it in the house b/c no one needs it and I literally think about these foods *all the time* when they are in my kitchen. When I have the energy to focus on my health, that's what I do. When my energy is sucked dry, I fill up on this stuff. I've still got a LONG way to go.

Helen said...

Hugs to you, Laura. I know SO WELL how you feel...when those "bad" foods are lurking in the house, it's like they are pulsing there, calling your name. Like you, I keep as much of it out of the house as possible...if it's not there, I really don't miss it!

And GOOD FOR YOU for setting your boundaries and getting some YOU time today...I truly do not know how you moms do it...I have a hard enough time setting time for me and I don't have kidlets hanging around needing care and attention!!!! I admire all of you who make that balancing act work...and you ARE making it work...despite a bad week. Like Jennette said -- tomorrow you can start over. It's hard to remember that once you've started down the slippery slope, but you will nip it in the bud and next week will be better.

Glad to hear that Sophie is feeling better...and tell her she'd better eat some more cookies and ice cream!! ;-)

Jill said...

OH Sistah I feel your pain! This last week has been hard - I had cake in the house Sunday and Monday and by Tuesday I finally said to hell with it, and I finished off the last, very large piece - just to get rid of it. How screwed up is that?

I'm sorry you are struggling. It's so hard when one day we feel in control and feel like we have this weight thing conquered, then the very next day we are doing swan dives into a gallon of Mint Chip!And just for the record, I am POWERLESS against those soft iced sugar cookies - they are truly from the depths of Hades!!

I'm with PQ - you can start over fresh everyday. That's one thing I loved about WW - each day was a clean slate. And as long as you keep starting over, you win! Even if you have to start over several times, it's better than staying down. You just need a tiny bit of momentum and then you'll be off and running again (literally AND figuratively!).

A bad day is bad enough, but several bad days strung together? Major suck! But you survived it, even if you aren't happy with your survival skills, at least you know why it happened and you already have a plan in place to get back to normal. You are already ahead of the game, in my opinion.

Whether or not you know it, you my dear, are full of win! ;)

Jill said...

Anything for you, girl!!! =)

G.G. said...

I hope you get your normal back this week:-)

I think your strategy for getting your workout in was pretty brilliant, actually. And it shows that even if you slipped, and slipped big, you figured out a win/win way to handle the situation.

I think we all have those itchy foods--and you shouldn't feel bad about admitting you're kind of powerless over them. That's one of the first "steps," right?

debbyweighsin said...

Hey Laura, Like I said on Jill's blog, I'm so glad to hear you two are human, I was super-motivated by the two of you, but also overwhelmed at how strong and in complete control you were. This just shows we are all a work in progress, and we need each other. I am glad of that. And I am so glad to have found you all! I will keep praying for you and Sophie!

At first I didn't know what you guys were talking about 'soft iced sugar cookies.' And then I remembered, those were the cookies in the breakroom at work during Christmas that I couldn't leave alone, and every time I ate another one, it surprised me, because they weren't chocolate. Mannnnn, they were good!