This morning after I got off the scale and saw a gain, which I expected since I had an emotional eating disaster last night and no running yesterday, I started thinking about whether I want to keep doing this diet thing.
I don't mean I want to throw out my healthy habits so I can regain a bunch of weight. Just stop the daily weigh ins, the daily recording of food, the 3 times a week visits to LA Weight Loss, the obsession over a goal weight.
Other than the weigh ins and obsession, I've stopped the other stuff already. Here we are, January 11th, and I've stopped the free-for-all eating frenzy of the holidays, but it's become more of a burden than anything else to stick to a plan and write things down. And I haven't gotten anything out of my meetings at LAWL because of this--the whole point of meeting with them is to go over your food intake, and if I'm not writing things down then there's no reason to visit (other than to weigh in, which I do at home and report here anyway).
So why stop now, you may ask, since I'm this close to meeting my goal? Why not persevere, kick it up a notch, suck it up and Just Do It?
Because I'm a chicken shit and scared to death my plateau is going to turn into an excuse for failure and I'm going to go completely off my nut and start regaining weight. Every day I don't stick to my diet plan, is another day of failure. Every week I don't lose a pound or two and keep it off, is another week of failure. Every month I don't see a net loss, is another month of failure.
And right now, my energy level and mental health just aren't strong enough for what it's going to take to finish this thing. I'd rather go out strong than meander and dwindle down (up?) to a floundering failure.
Besides, who's to say what my "goal weight" really should be? I picked 145 because that's what I weighed when I met my husband. At that weight in my 20s, I felt like I needed to lose 10 pounds. So maybe my real goal weight should be 135, which means I've got quite a ways to go and I'm definitely not up for that right now.
Or maybe my goal weight should be 152, where my body has settled into for the most part since October. I'm older, I'm more muscular from running, and I look great in my clothes which are mostly size 8s and mediums and even some 6s and smalls. Most people who know me well think I don't need to lose any more weight and are surprised when I tell them I have more to lose.
And I feel good about myself. Well, as good about myself as someone who's been dealing with her weight since she was in her Teens can. Do I really want to screw that good feeling up by half heartedly attempting to lose more weight, which frankly I don't even know if my body can do right now?
When I started LA Weight Loss last February, I felt like I'd finally been released from prison. I had a lightness of being for a solid eight months; there was freedom in the structure and the success. It was a beautiful thing.
Now, I feel weighted down and heavy from the diet. Well, not the diet per se, but from my lack of ability to stick to the diet. And the whole point of losing 50 pounds isn't to feel weighted down.
I lost a crap load of weight and there is NO REASON WHATSOEVER that I need to be feeling bad about myself right now.
So that's the fine point of it, isn't it? I feel bad about myself because I'm not the perfect little dieter any more. And I will not allow myself to feel bad any longer. I have worked hard, and I have earned the right to BE HAPPY about what I've accomplished instead of lamenting a measly 7 pounds.
I'm not sure what kind of plan I'm going to follow--when I'll weigh in "officially" and what I'll do about LA Weight Loss. But today, I'm going to eat well and eat to feel good. I'm going to run this afternoon around 3 p.m. and maybe it will even be a long run.
Above all, I'm going to appreciate me and feel good about myself. That, my friends, is no small feat, and just as worthy a goal as weight loss.