Dad's ok. Me? Not so great

So Monday went better than any of us could have dreamed. Dad is adjusting just fine to the nursing home. So far anyway. He's eating more than ever--every meal they've served so far. He's still had family with him all day - it's only day 2 - but no one at night. And my sister doesn't have the stress of running his household and doing everything, and I think that's helping everyone.

I was there yesterday and today until 8 pm. Monday I got there at 2, when he arrived in the wheel chair van the VA sent to pick him up. Today I set up his Internet with a Verizon hotspot wireless thingy. I was there 3 hours tonight. Not planing on visiting tomorrow because Sophie has voice lessons, and I need a night off.

Today I was in a terrible depression. I can't explain it really. I'm glad dad is doing well and not shutting down. But I'm afraid he could live like this for many months or even years. I don't know if I can handle that. It's still so hard to deal with it all.

And I'm angry with him. He's seen what his care needs have done to my sister and uncle. Yet he let them feel guilty and grovel over the nursing home. He was supposed to have 6-12 months. This is month 11 and I see no end in sight. I know he can't control when he dies but I feel like there was an expectation that's now blown out of the water, and he has fought to stay alive, preferring a paralyzed existance to heaven.

Which is a big issue for him, I think. He says he believes, but I think he has just enough faith to slide under the pearly gates. Of course, lots of people are afraid of dying. I don't blame him for that.

I blame him for putting himself first before everyone else for the past year. Like his illness has given him carte blanch to treat so many people like crap, and take advatage, and not give in return.

I feel horribly guilty about felling and thinking all of this.

The past 10 months I've not made myself a prioprity. At all. And now I'm in tight size 12s and dropping to the floor in front of my closet this morning, in tears because I'm terrified I'm going to be the girl who lost a bunch of weight and 3 years later is Fat Again.

I just can't go there. I can't.

I talked with Mark about it today. He said he'd support my time to exercise. He understands and thinks I'm being too hard on myself (I am). But I'm still afraid of the speed train to obesity that I'm on.

It's only been 2 days and my involvement with dad hasn't decreased yet. It will though, hopefully. The emotonal issues that are a big part of my eating problems aren't going anywhere. How am I going to fix myself this time? I don't know yet. I just don't know.


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Tough times ahead

My dad is going to the nursing home on Monday, August 2nd. The hospice chaplain and other family members thought we should tell him as early as possible. I thought we should tell him the day of or the day before at the earliest. But that isn't what they wanted, so we told him last Saturday. At least I got rid of the crushing guilt I had been carrying around, not being able to tell my sister when it was going to happen.

It's going to be a rough week ahead.

"Runnin' Down a Dream"

I ran 3 times last week, just like my half marathon plan told me to.

Tuesday, 3 miles, 40:56
Thursday, 3 miles, 40:30
Sunday, 3 miles, 36:45

I shaved over a minute per mile off my pace. And it was hot & humid Sunday afternoon, and my asthma is still acting up after I run a mile in this heat. (I only use an albuterol inhaler. I need to go back to my doctor & get something more.)

By the time the cooler weather gets here, I'm sure to be back to my normal running self, in the 11 min/mile range.

The title today is brought to you by Tom Petty. I can run to the beat of that song for a short bit, & it puts me at a 9ish min/mile pace, which is super fast for me and I can't hold it long. But yesterday I let myself run to pace with the song, twice, for as long as I could, and it helped get my time to 12:15 min. miles.

I think getting 3 runs under my belt (even though I use the word "run" loosely here.... the first two runs were walking with some running thrown in) is a big mental hurdle for me. I actually packed my gym bag this morning with plans to leave work at 4 & run 3 miles, even though it's not on my training schedule. Like Forrest Gump, I just wanna run.

Even though the feel-like temperature is 100 degrees. Ick.

When I saw people running this morning on the way to work, I didn't have to envy them. Because I am one of them again. Finally.

Goals

This week marks 13 weeks from the next half marathon in our town. I've run the last 2, and I sure as heck don't want to miss the race on 10/10/10. I totally want a t-shirt with that super cool date.

So, that means I've got to get BUSY. And I ran/walked 3 miles yesterday, and put myself one step closer to my goal. I've got about 10 million more steps to get there, but it all starts with one.

I'd also like to lose 13 pounds in 13 weeks. It sure would make the race easier to run under 150 than at 161. Plus, I need to fit into my fall clothes. That, or go shopping for size 12 pants and I SO am not looking forward to that possibilty. When I stopped running I gained weight. Running again = lose weight? It better!

Goals are good. Now I just have to be consistent and stick2it.

Dad update: we are going to put dad in a nursing home the first week of August. My uncle (who spends the night with him through the week) thinks sooner is better than later. Between running short on funds (VA pays for nursing home so we will not have that cost to bear), caregiver fatigue, and his increasing medical care needs, it's time.

We can't tell my sister because she can't not share the info with dad. And we can't tell dad because it will make him an angry mess until the day he has to leave his house. Let me tell you, this has been a hellish week, carrying the knowledge around and not being able to tell anyone but my husband (no one from my family reads my blog, so it won't get to my sister from here).

It would be a huge blessing if he would pass in the next few weeks, but that's not likely to happen. His appetite is back and he has sort of plateaued. He's going to hate it so much, but we don't have a choice. I visited the home and it was nice, as far as those things go. It didn't smell bad, which is a big deal. And they'll give him a private room. The grounds are really nice, and he can have his special hospital bed the VA bought him (which he's never used) and he can have his fancy wheelchair (where he stays, by his choice, 24/7).

He'll probably not want to even see me after the move, since I'm the one "responsible" for him leaving his home. I handle the finances--had to break the news we are almost out of money and can't support the ridiculous cost of 24/7 care any longer. I and my uncle made the decision. Dad is going to need someone to blame. It's likely to be me. I guess we'll see.


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Not easy

Life is nuts right now and has been the past couple weeks. All but Sophie had the stomach flu. Thankfully that seems to be over.

But the big stuff going on involves my dad. My sister's leave may not be approved and if it isn't my dad will likely go to a nursing home. And while this will be hard, it will be a relief too.

Getting dad to agree to it is another matter all together.

Nothing is set yet, but it's going to be a rough time for a while. Every day is one step closer to this being over.

I weighed 159 this morning. Could be worse.


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Photo update

It's been a looonnngggg time since I've posted a picture of myself, for obvious reasons. Who posts anti-progress pictures?

But, I got my crappy camera replaced with a refurbed camera (thank you Panasonic warranty), and I thought, oh well what the hell.

So, for your viewing pleasure (HA!). Here I am. Weight, 162 (yeah, yeah, I know). Size 12 shorts (Levi's), size Large shirt (American Living, JC Penney). I don't like my hair this short, by the way. My girl got a little scissors happy on Tuesday night. It grows fast, so no biggie.

Food's not been great, but could be worse. I finally used my treadmill yesterday. Did 50 minutes on it, & ran 14 of those minutes. I've printed a half marathon training plan. I really, really, really want to do Evansville's half on 10/10/10. I mean, I totally need that t-shirt--10/10/10.... how cool. It's just over 17 weeks away.

Completely doable, as long as I don't. freaking. quit.

Enjoy your weekend, friends. It's hotter than hades here, supposed to be over 95* for the next week. And it's only June.

158.2 - Not so perfect

First the good stuff.

I've worked out 3 times already this week. Sunday, Mark & I did a Body Pump class at the gym. Oh. My. Gosh. There is nothing I can do with my body that empowers me more than lifting weights. I love that class. I wish I could take it 3 days a week. If only it would fit into my schedule.

Then Monday, I walked & ran FOUR MILES! It's VBS week, & so I have had my nights to myself. It was a gorgeous evening, the humidity hadn't set in yet. I mostly walked the first mile with only a few bouts of running. I think my time was just over 14 minutes. Then the more I moved the more I wanted to run, and by the time I'd hit my fourth mile my pace was down to the 13 minute range, which, at this point, is really good for me. I was running .3-.5 mile at a time with .1-.2 mile walk breaks in between. For the first time in a very, very long time, I felt like a runner again.

Then Tuesday, I could barely walk, my legs were so shredded. Tuesday night after I'd dropped off the kids, I went to the gym & walked a slow mile on the treadmill, then stretched for about 30 minutes, did 15 pushups (on my toes, 100-Push-Up-Challenge style-- 5 pushups, rest one minute, repeat 2 more times), then walked another mile. I figured I could work out some lactic acid, and it seemed to help. I was much less sore on Wednesday.

I'm planning on hitting the treadmill at home after work today and will shoot for at least 30 minutes, maybe more if there's time.

Now, the not so great stuff, on the diet front. I've been on a roller coaster the past two weeks. I had some "fun" weekends which meant I totally fell off track on The Perfect Plan. The week after Memorial Day I couldn't get there to weigh in--they are only open on M-W-F. And this week has been insane, too. Mark left on Wednesday at 5:30 a.m. for Philadelphia for a business trip, and I haven't been over to weigh in this week either. Plus, I've gained a couple of pounds. The last time I weighed in I gained .4 pounds & the girl made me feel like a criminal for eating cake on my daughter's birthday. So, yeah, not so motivated to officially weigh in.

Plus--and I'm trying not to make this an "excuse," it just is what it is--I don't think The Perfect Plan is going to work for me. For several reasons.

First, there's just too much food on this plan. For example, I stuck to it for 5 days and then had 2 days where I fudged a couple of times but mostly ate OK. I gained that week & could FEEL that I wasn't losing weight. In the past--and by "past" I mean when I was on LA Weight Loss in 2007--I could stick to the plan all week, have a few splurges on the weekend, and still lose weight because the plan doesn't allow for a lot of calories each day. That worked very well for me.

Second, there's no room for convenience foods on TPP. I'm not saying I want to eat a frozen meal every day. No way. But I need some flexibility. There is none with TPP. Also, the recipes are complicated! I'm not that great a cook & have little time or interest in making elaborate recipes. If it takes more than one pan, I'm probably not going to make it. I have gotten a few really great food ideas from the diet that I'm still going to use, so it's not been a total waste.

Third, I don't know HOW I had time to weigh in 3 times a week in 2007 with LAWL. I guess it just wasn't as busy at work, & I (and my husband) felt the urgency of my need to lose weight when I was over 200 pounds. Now, work is the priority more than a weigh in. I would love to go back to the days when I could leave the office for 45 minutes 3 times a week, but it's just not realistic right now.

Fourth, the cost is going to be prohibitive. I signed up for 6 weeks, and I'm going to have to sign up for another 6 in a week or so if I continue, and I just don't have the cash right now.

So.... does all this mean I've just given up on The Diet? No, no, no. I have been in search of a new perfect plan (will the search ever end?) and I think I've found it.

Did you know you could buy diet plans on eBay? I found the LAWL plan there for $12. The whole plan, for every weight level, is there. There are the guidelines, the diet diary, the food exchange lists, even some recipes. Yesterday I made myself a diary book with my copy machine, paper cutter, and stapler. It's just like the old days in 2007--little circles to fill in when I have a food group. Two LA Lite bars--which I'm currently substituting with Luna Protein bars--which satisfy my chocolate cravings. Flexibility for treats & eating out & frozen meals. I can't help but feel like I've come full circle, back to the plan that I KNOW I can do & have had success with.

I realize I've been on/off/on/off this plan or that plan. I don't know why I can't just find one & stick to it. Obviously, though, I'm not unique or the diet industry wouldn't be the multi-gazillion dollar industry that it is. I guess the important thing is that I haven't given up. Right? Right?

I had been back up to over 161 again. I stuck to the plan yesterday fairly easily. I love filling in those little circles. And it paid off with a quick loss this morning. With some exercise and some controlled fun food times this weekend, I should be off to a good start.

If I fall off the wagon, at least I've got plenty of practice climbing back on.

156.8 -- Summer's Here

2 pounds in two weeks. Better than a gain, but not what I'm looking for. I've got to step it up a notch this week. And stay on plan over the weekend. Weekends can undo a week of good work. And what's the point of that?

I haven't been exercising. That has to change.

The good news is we have a summer membership at our old gym, the one with the great pool and exercise classes. It's the gym where I learned to love running and Body Pump. And where I built some killer arms in 60 days.

So starting June 1 I have no excuses. Plus, I'll have to wear a swimsuit soon. Is there anything more powerfully motivating to getting in shape than that?

School's out and summer' here. Time to take advantage of the next 3 months and get these 15-20 pounds off for really reals.

Vickie, on the cake leftovers-- the first one we had a tad left, and I had one more slice at home after her party. And felt like crap after. The one on her birthday we had quite a bit left over, and I left it for the restaurant staff. No way was it coming back to my house!

GG, thanks for the body bug idea. I'll have to look into that.

Thank you all for commenting. It feels good to be back.

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157.2 - All or Nothing

I've been struggling this week with the whole all or nothing thing. You know, the self talk of "I ate a piece of cake, so I might as well eat whatever else I want because I've blown it today. I'll just start over tomorrow."

Almost every day I've had something to eat that I shouldn't have. I've had to decide--am I going to let it derail me? Or am I going to soldier on like I didn't stray?

Some days have been better than others.

Saturday was nuts. It started off well--I ran week 1, day 3 of C25k. Then we had Sophie's birthday party Saturday at noon, then she had a Brownie outing from 4:30 - 8:30 pm (I actually took a nap for a couple of hours, but it was a carb-induced food coma resulting from leftover birthday cake).

Saturday night I helped my sister with my Dad for his overnight care. I got there around 10:30 p.m. We didn't lie down to try to sleep until 3 a.m. It's just the way Dad is. He doesn't operate according to anyone's clock but his own. Saturday night I ate pretty poorly. But, hell, having a quarter of a pumpkin pie at 2 a.m. at my Dad's was frankly the least amount of damage I could have done. My sister keeps his house stocked with packaged sugar bombs. At least I chose one based off a fruit.

I barely slept--my bed was a split-rocker love seat, so it was too short & had a hard line running horizontally across the middle of my body. We were back up at 7:30 taking care of Dad again. I was obviously exhausted, and when I got home around noon I was pretty much good for nothing. I don't remember what I ate Sunday--nothing horrible and I think I stayed on plan the best I could. But I was a slug.

This week has been a challenge, too. We've had something every night--Monday a visit with an out of town friend, yesterday was Sophie's birthday at her favorite restaurant (and of course she got another cake). Today I had a work lunch and only ate a small portion of the linguine that came with the chicken breast, but I did have about half the lemon pie that was sitting on the table when we arrived (next to the salad plates.... irony of ironies).

I could have thrown in the towel for the entire week, I guess. I haven't lost any more weight, but I know I'm holding onto salt (we did eat Japanese hibachi last night, & even though I didn't order the fried rice, I did eat the grilled veggies & chicken & used the dipping sauces, and, oh yeah, had a piece of my 9 year old's birthday cake). And it would be a lot worse had I said screw it & started eating oreos at night again.

So, instead, I'm eating my 2 cups of raw veggies now, and not going to freak because I can't be perfect in the face of LIFE. I'm going to celebrate birthdays with my family & have a piece of cake. I'm going to eat what's served to me at a networking business lunch with 300 other women that I paid $14 for. I'm going to eat pie when I'm helping to take care of my dying father. I loved Jill's post on this issue. It makes me feel not so alone.

My waist line is shrinking more slowly than I'd like. But at least for this week, I found the middle ground between all or nothing.

156.4 - Sharing the good stuff

Yes, I know it's a shocker. Here I am just a few days after a post, posting again.

Funny, it's easier to get on here when I'm doing well.

Also? No one but you guys cares about what I'm eating or how much I'm exercising. I've found that over the last 6 months while I've been sedentary & a slave to food, the last thing I want to read about on Facebook (which is my primary social media venue & how I stay connected to a lot of you... if you're not my friend yet but want to be, email me your name & city & I'll send you a friend request) is how great someone else's life is. If I'm in a crappy mood or my life feels like it's falling apart, I have a hard time dealing with all the "I'm so blessed! I love my husband! My kids are brilliant! My life is so great! The sky is blue in my world even when it's raining!" Blah blah blah.

I'm in no way saying that these happy things shouldn't be shared on Facebook. They should. It makes people feel good to share their joy, and it's MY PROBLEM, not theirs, when I get all bah humbug in the face of someone else's good fortune. Hell, I've posted more than my share of blue-sky updates.

But, being in the curmudgeon camp has taught me something--a lot of people on FB don't give a shit that I'm on a new diet plan & am having a great week. A lot of people, probably the majority of them actually, are struggling & unhappy & their dark sides get the best of them when they read a bunch of "Happy Happy Joy Joy" on Facebook.

All that to say--I know that I can come HERE and spread the joy and you all will be nothing but welcoming and pat-me-on-the-back supportive.

So, onto the good stuff. I lost 3.5 pounds during my first week on The Perfect Plan. I haven't felt hungry or deprived at all. I've had a few cravings & slipped a couple of times (darn golden Oreos), but my slips have been minor (3 cookies in a week and a half is nothing). I'm eating more veggies & fruits than I ever have on any diet. I'm eating nothing at all processed, which I find to be frankly amazing. I got the recipes Wednesday (the first week they only give you two--one for the best ranch dressing ever & one for muffins that you get twice a day) and there are a lot that will be fun to make & fabulously delicious. I can't wait to make my grocery list & start cooking.

And, icing on the cake, I've done 2 days of the Couch to 5K program this week. There's a great iPod app for C25K that makes it way easy to do this training program. I am totally psyched about it. To put things in perspective: the first time I did C25K was in 2007 and I weighed 195 pounds. I did the beginning weeks' running portions at 4.5 mph! Wednesday on Week 1 Day 2 I ran all 9 running legs at 6.0 mph. That's a ten minute mile! The running legs are only 60 seconds but the pace wasn't hard until the last two legs, so I think 6.0 is a sweet spot right now.

I'm already noticing a difference in climbing the stairs at work (I have about 40 pounds of crap I carry with me every morning--I kid you not.... 4 bags minimum... my purse, my "everything else" tote bag, my laptop, and my lunch with water bottle. It's a lot of crap). And I just don't feel as weak as I was feeling, even though I haven't started lifting weights yet (Vickie, I totally am going to set my weights by the couch & start lifting at night while watching TV. What a great idea).

I don't know why it's finally clicking now. I hope I can stay in this groove for a long time. Knowing I have a place to go to be accountable for my food choices & weigh ins make a big difference. I feel hopeful & motivated again. Getting the sugar & carbs out of my life also gets rid of the endless cycle of cravings and self flagellation.

That's the scoop today. The sun is shining outside my window today, but the sky in my world was already back to clear blue. At least for today.

Oh, and my weight in the title is my Shout Out to 2007--the Year of the Big Loss. Here's to 2010--the Year of the Final Loss.

The Perfect Plan

So I made it to the new diet place last Monday. It's called The Perfect Plan. I can weigh in 3 times a week if I want to. They provide recipes (which I need since I'm not a natural cook) and a food plan. It's the usual weight loss plan--but stricter in that there's no red meat and little fat, and I can have 5-7 fruits a day (only one high sugar fruit like bananas a day). Lots of veggies. Also can have eggs, light yogurt, and cottage cheese. No other cheese though. At least that's the plan for now.

I started last Wednesday and miracle of miracles, I'm doing great. I've been on plan a full week and strayed only on Saturday when we went to the movie with popcorn and chocolate. Knowing I have to be accountable to a weigh in is what I need to stay on track. I've even stopped eating at night. Getting the refined carbs out is a huge deal and gets rid of cravings.

It's only one week but it's a solid start.

Now the next thing I have to do is lift weights. Seriously, my body is getting weak and creaky and sore and I've only been 40 for a month. I'm not exagerating either.

No new news on my dad.

Sophie turns 9 next week. The years are flying by.



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Starting Over

My hard drive on my laptop died last month. I got the blue screen of death one night while booting up to watch "The Office" on Netflix, and my beloved "C:" never was to be seen again.

Of course, I've been meaning for months to back the thing up. Even put an external drive into my cart at Sam's only to remove it after saying to no one in particular (because I was by myself, but that never stops me from talking while shopping)-- "I don't want to spend $100 today."

If only some fortune teller had been walking by to warn me I was making a huge mistake. Now I'm way over $100 in costs for the computer guy to have removed the old & put in a new hard drive. He is also trying to recover the data on my old drive, but it's a monumental task because (a) the drive was encrypted because it's also my work computer, and apparently decrypting the data is not easy to do, and (b) the darn drive stopped spinning altogether.

There's a lot of precious data on that drive. Pictures and videos of the kids, mostly. But there's one thing in particular that's dear to my heart. The excel spreadsheet that chronicles my weight loss & running journey from 2007 through 2009.

It's. Just. Gone. (for now anyway....hopefully my guy can bring it back to life through some miracle)

That spreadsheet was my accountability partner for 3 years. It's got my highest weight and my lowest weight. It's got the first time I ran a full mile without stopping. It's got my four Half Marathons and the training (or lack thereof, for the one I ran last October) I did for each one. Until last fall and the crisis with my Dad hit, I was in that spreadsheet almost every day.

Yesterday, on a sunny, breezy, 80 degree Monday, I decided I was finally going to walk/run outside again. The last time I used my Garmin to run outside was in January, in the bitter cold, when I was still planning on running the April marathon.

Since then, I've done some walking/jogging on our treadmill and have walked a couple times with a friend outside, but my beloved trips around the park with just me, Garmy, and my Shuffle have been absent from my life since last fall.

And so, on my walk yesterday--walking with intermittent running thrown in, because I'm WAY too out of shape to run much yet--while I was thinking my thoughts, it dawned on me that I lost my spreadsheet in the Great Hard Drive Crash of 2010. I realized that I would have to start all over again. Which is what I'm having to do with the rest of my fitness life, so I suppose it's fitting that I start over with a new spreadsheet.

I only did 30 minutes, 2.3 miles. I felt great the first 5 minutes, and then after I'd run for one minute it was obvious just how out of shape I am. My sports bra was so tight it was uncomfortable. My skin is so loose (no muscle tone) that it itched from the bouncing and the blood coming to the surface. My knees hurt. My lungs hurt. My heart hurt.

It's frightening how fast I've lost what I worked so hard for from 2007 - 2009. No, I don't weigh 209 pounds like I did in February 2007. But I do weigh almost 160 pounds, and I have next to no muscle tone in my arms, legs, stomach, and butt. And I am having similar kinds of food struggles as I did in my past--eating for comfort, eating in secret, eating at night.

I've tried off & on all year to get myself straightened out. It's not worked, obviously. I know I have a lot going on in my life, but honestly there's no reason to continue like this. My dad's situation isn't getting any worse for me personally, and I can't keep using him as an excuse for failure.

If only I had LA Weight Loss again. That kind of guidance, support, and accountability in my day to day life really makes a difference for me. I found an Evansville center called The Perfect Plan which sounds like it might be helpful. I left a voicemail for them to call me back--the fact I had to leave a voicemail makes me doubt them, though. If they aren't it, I'll keep looking. I'm not going to let this go any farther than it already has.

For today, I'm taking it one meal at a time. I'm going to walk/run again this afternoon. I posted a blog entry today. I had protein with breakfast & lunch. I'm trying to talk myself back from the ledge with "It's OK! It's happens to everyone sometimes. You've done it before, you can do it again." But it's still really hard to face facts, which now include the nasty reality that I'm no longer in my 30s.

So that's the scoop. Lots of work to do. I've done it before. I can do it again.

****
Update on my Dad: He's slowly declining. We did get him to agree to hospice, which means we won't be doing a feeding tube at all. We already had palliative care, and the level of care hasn't changed that much since we added hospice. But knowing we have hospice in place for when he's in the final stages is comforting.

When those final stages are likely to happen is anyone's guess. One week, he won't eat and won't have a BM, and the next he's back to eating and digesting. His circulation is still very poor. His breathing is weaker. He sleeps for days, but then he's awake for days. He does have a lot of body fat to keep him alive if he doesn't eat, but he is starting to burn through it. His upper body is wasting away; his lower body is swollen from fluid retention; his middle body is distended and swollen. His urine production is way down and his knuckles and fingernails have a blue hue. His BP was down to 112/60 last week. It's quite possible he's with us all summer.

He's still being very demanding at times and can be a big jerk most days. I haven't "spoken" with him for almost a month. I visited on Sunday, but he was asleep the whole time I was there. My sister is there 4 or more days a week and she and I talk every day, so she keeps me in the loop. He can still move a pencil around a letter board to talk, but my sister says he's losing control of his right hand too, so we don't know how much longer he will be able to communicate. He has an expensive eye-gaze machine (thanks to the VA) that allows his eyes to choose letters to talk, but he won't use it (it won't work with his glasses on, and he won't use it with them off--I don't know why, b/c he can see the letters with them off).

It's heartbreaking to see him like he is. It's just as hard to think he's going to be gone soon, even though I wish for everyone's sake--especially his--he'd let go & pass on. But he can't or won't. Eventually this will be over, but it may be months and months yet. We just don't know.

Update

Well it was a great birthday and I survived turning 40. I really did get spoiled rotten.

I've put on a few pounds, which I can feel in my clothes. I keep thinking I'm going to do something about it and I will have a day or so of good eating, but then something gets me off plan again. I know it's not the right time to diet. But I have to maintain. There are so many changes I need to make. I just can't find the "right time."

I realize this is BS. But it's all I got right now.

Sophie has had 3 great weeks with no dizzies. It's been wonderful! Luke is fabulous as always. Mark graduates with his BS on May 7. He's also working on getting his CFP, which is harder than any class he's taken. He's under a lot of stress. But what's new, ha.

My dad is the same. It's hard to believe he's still here. I don't know if he's plateaued or what. I'm going up to see him today.

So that's the update for now. I hope you are all enjoying this lovely spring.


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Birthday month

So I will be 40 in 10 days. April 13 is the day. I've been dreading it since before I turned 39.

And I'm still working through issues with getting "old," but I guess it's getting easier. Everyone says I look better than I ever have. Women in their 40s or 50s tell me the 40s are wonderful. And if my life weren't so topdy turvy because of my dad I would feel like this is one of the best times in my life so far.

I'm going to pamper myself on The Day. Hair cut and color then s massage and pedicure, all at the Aveda salon. Then will do dinner with Mark and the kids. Then on May 1 I'm having a girls night out and we're going to dinner and dancing at a club that has Ladies and 80s Night so we can all be silly and carefree.

I've asked Mark to get me something sparkly. I love getting jewels on big birthdays. :)

Diet and exercise are still blah. I have used my treadmill a couple times and the weather is getting better so I'm hopeful for more outdoor activity.

Dad has had some small heart attacks, we think. He stopped eating for a couple days but ate some yesterday. I still feel so guilty for wishing he'd just finally pass and give himself and us some peace. He wants to see his 2nd wife one more time to get some closure. That's got us all in a tizzy but we don't see any other option. She lives 5 hours away. I'm praying she comes and sees dad and can only handle a couple of hours with him. If he asks her to stay or if she refuses to leave we'll have problems. This is the woman who didn't want my sister to even go to Indianapolis to see the ALS doctor with them. No way she can handle seeing my sister or me wipe my dad's behind or put ointment on his catheter entry point. I just hope that after she comes and leaves dad can let go. I don't know how much longer we can all keep handling this.

Today should be busy and good. It's my favorite holiday.

Easter blessings to you all.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod Touch

Update from my new toy

Has it already been two weeks? It doesn't seem like it. I have been keeping busy, as usual, like all of you. I did a nice thing for myself and bought an early birthday present--an iPod Touch. I've had it for a few weeks but just realized I could update my blog from here. I'm on my iPod all the time at home after work. Somehow it's less offensive to use the iPod instead of my PC at the end of the day. Being on my laptop all day at work is enough computer time--the iPod doesn't feel like a computer though. Probably has a LOT to do with being able to hold this little baby in one hand. My laptop is 3 years old and weighs a ton.

Anyway...... Maybe I'll be able to blog more often.

Things are mostly the same. Sophie went through a horrible migraine spell last week and we figured out she's now sensitive to all chocolate. We've eliminated that and several other common triggers to see if it will help. So far so good. She's had some dizzy days but nothing horrible. It's been hard for her, giving up chocolate especially, but she knows it's worth it.

My weight and body are the same--152ish and squishy.

No changes with my dad. His decline is still happening but slowly. We are all surprised he's still with us. He could be here another 6 months but I hope not. His mind is sharp and he isn't ready to die but his body is done. It's so hard to watch.

I bought a book from Kindle (also on my iPod) that Jilligan recommended called Bad Childhood Happy Life. I've just started reading it. I see a lot of myself already.

Leaving for St Louis this afternoon for a Brownie weekend with Sophie and several other moms and daughters. Should be a good time. I'm so thankful she's health enough to go.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

When you feel like you can't say anything nice, don't blog anything at all

It's really hard to blog when you feel like you've got nothing positive to report. And mostly I've just felt like keeping my mouth shut. But I realize I owe my friends a report once in a while, or you might think I got hit by a big bus. Thank you to Vickie for always pulling me back. It does mean a lot that you are keeping tabs on me!

So, here I am....trying to figure out how I can write something today that won't sound dire and pathetic.

I guess I'll start with the good points in my life.

My husband has FINALLY decided he's getting healthy. A few weeks ago he had a calcium score done on his heart, & he has mild heart disease on the right side. For many this might sound like horrible news. But for Mark, it's good news. His dad died at 50 & his oldest brother at 57 of massive heart attacks. Mark will be 48 this year. Last year he pretty much felt like he was under a death sentence. But the term "mild" implies that impending doom is not so impending after all, and it also helps him realize he still has time to make changes to his diet & exercise to keep his heart as healthy as possible. He's already lost almost 20 pounds, he looks better, & he feels better.

The kids are wonderful. Sophie did just go through a long dizzy/migraine spell. 10 days this time. She missed 6 days of school. She's still a bit dizzy but it's not debilitating and she made it back to school today. We see the neurologist for a follow up in April. I'm guessing Sophie might need her meds adjusted. We'll see. Luke is healthy and hysterical. He keeps us all in stitches. He's the most loving and precious little boy ever. Not that I'm biased or anything.

There are probably other good things. I've got a roof over my head, clean clothes, plenty of food in the fridge, business is OK right now, spring is on the way.

But so much of my being is tied up in the negatives. My brain must be sucked nearly completely free of happy chemicals, despite the wellbutrin (and calcium & other healthy brain supplements) I take daily. I cry a lot & at the slightest things. I feel tremendous guilt over my Dad's situation. I was trying to take care of him 2 days a week, so I could "do my part" and alleviate my sister's time at Dad's. I just couldn't do it. I did for a few weeks, but it got so overwhelming--I basically had one day off a week (Sunday) and it just wasn't enough. I spend a couple hours almost every day at work on Dad's financial & medical stuff. I handle all his bills, his medical appointments, his VA paperwork & requests (thank God he was a veteran, because he's getting a lot of money every month which is paying for his supplemental nursing care and his specialty equipment--we'd never have been able to take care of him properly without the VA), his Visiting Nurse schedules, and the overall schedule of who is going to be there at what times to take care of him. It's not like I'm not doing anything for him. It's just that my stuff is behind the scenes & no one sees it but me. All the paperwork and phone calls are time consuming and can wear me out.

Mostly, though, I can't handle my dad's physical and mental state. He can't do anything for himself--and I mean nothing. He has to be moved with a Hoyer lift, which is difficult and frustrating because he weighs 240 pounds and his belly is hugely distended. He can barely swallow anymore. He can't talk at all. Everything takes hours--an hour to take his medications, 2 hours to feed him one meal, 2 hours for a bowel movement (and yes, I had to clean my dad after a BM...that about did me in), 2 hours for washing & grooming, an hour for a simple conversation because he has to spell out every word one letter at a time on a letter board (he can still move his hands, just a little bit).

Just writing all the things that he can't do brings me to tears. As hard as it is for me, I can't imagine what kind of hell Dad is going through.

Admitting that I can't be around him anymore is excruciatingly difficult. Worse than that, though, is my ever present thought that if he'd just die already, I could get on with my life. I can't even describe how hard it is to live with that thought. He'd be better off gone, we'd be better off if he was gone. ALS is not curable and there are no meds to make him better. His doctor gave him 6 - 12 months to live back in September. But Dad refuses to give up. He just got an eye gaze communication device last week and a new laptop computer so he can do whatever he thinks he can do with his hands while they can still move. He is as difficult and stubborn as ever. He can be very abrasive and hurtful--even one letter at a time.

Last Thursday I drove the 30 minutes to his house after a long day at work, to see him & his new eye gaze machine & to let him see Luke. I didn't have long to visit, maybe 90 minutes. Instead of asking me how I was or how my kids were (Sophie had been sick over a week at that point, & he knew it), he spent his time with me asking how much he could spend on a new laptop PC and explaining all the bells & whistles he wanted on it. He spent around 30 minutes on this with me. Not once asking me about me or my family. I don't know why it surprised me. I guess it didn't surprise me, just disappointed me.

There's a reason I haven't been part of my Dad's life the past 10 years. It's not gone away just because he has ALS. He's an emotionally disturbed & unbalanced person. And he's still my Dad.

Remarkably, I'm not the size of a house yet. My weight is steady at 152, give or take a pound. I am squishy, though, & haven't worked out in over 3 weeks, despite now having a treadmill in my bedroom. I've completely scrapped the marathon/half marathon on April 11th.

Which brings me to my other crisis of mind--I'll be 40 in a little over a month. The marathon was going to be my big "F--- You Forty!" Instead, I am probably the most out of shape physically and mentally that I've been in several years. I wish I didn't feel so freaked out about turning 40, but I do. It's just one more thing messing with my head.

I've talked with Mark and a good friend from church about all this. I need to talk more. I have an appointment for my quarterly meeting with my psychiatrist next month. I'm doing lots of pampering things for myself. Last week I had my nails done, my hair done, and my toes done, all in the same 7 day period. I can't for the life of me make myself get on that treadmill. I know if I would I'd feel better. Maybe just writing about it will make me try again.

Still the same

Just a quick note to let you all know I'm alive & doing OK. Dad's still the same--declining very slowly, but still declining.

On the diet front, I started taking Alli to go along with the phentermine (which I had to go to a new doctor in town for because the old place got shut down for some reason--probably because they give out meds WAY too freely. I was never once weighed or had my BP taken after that first visit, which is ridiculous. But I digress). Only been taking it 2 days & only taking 2 pills with lunch. The new doc prescribed Xenical, which is the 120 mg Rx version of Alli. Two Alli are much cheaper than one Xenical. I've not had any problems yet. It has made me rethink my food choice a ton over the past couple of days. I don't eat high fat foods because I'm afraid of what will happen. THAT's why this drug works. Mark said it's the Anabuse for dieters.

On the exercise front, I did 45 minutes on the treadmill yesterday, but that was the first time I'd worked out in almost 2 weeks (I think...kinda lost track. I haven't kept track on my handy dandy Excel sheet for a couple of months). I think our treadmill isn't calibrated correctly. I know I'm walking or running faster than it says I am. I've been doing this for almost 3 years, I think I know what 3.5 MPH feels like. And 3.5 feels like 4.0. 5.0 is a fast jog for me on our treadmill, and that speed is usually a piece of cake. It's not that I'm just out of shape, either. I know how hard my legs work when I'm going certain speeds. Anyway, it's just not right. We are supposed to get a new console because the first one has some issues. I'm going to ask the tech about recalibrating it. Anybody have experience with this on your treadmills? Or am I deluding myself?

Family is good for the most part. Luke gets cuter and funnier every day. Mark is doing well; going to Colorado this weekend to see his brother. Sophie's been dizzy the past few days, off & on. Today she had a massive attack. I had to give her Maxalt, an anti-migraine med, for the first time. It worked. Her dizzy spells are becoming more migraine like. She had a big attack the morning after we had some Dutch ice cream from Target. I didn't realize it had dark chocolate in it--I just thought it was really good! I get migraines for the teeniest bit of dark chocolate, & that same morning I had a horrible migraine. She was so bad she threw up. So, we've at least established she has food triggers. I'm watching to see what else can be setting her off. Unfortunately it's going to be trial & error.

So that's it. Nothing new, it's the status quo. I'm just thankful things are as good as they are right now.

Although if we don't get a break in the weather soon, I think I'm going to pack up the family & escape to Florida. This has been the longest winter ever. But, thanks to calcium & fish oil, no SAD for me this year. Woohoo!

Happy Day

Today is Sophie's talent show. She just finished her 1 p.m. performance, and I am on the laptop while she's talking with her friends, waiting for the finale (all the kids go back out to the stage for the finale). She has one more show at 4:30, which is when all the family is coming to see her. We have 17 people! And that doesn't include Mark, who is chaperoning her during the 2nd performance.

She aced her song. She sang Starry Starry Night. She was perfect.

I didn't expect my Dad to still be with us now. I didn't think he'd get to see her sing. But he will.

He's coming at 4:30. My mom & her husband are bringing him. Amazing how life works out.

There won't be a dry eye in row F, section B, around 4:40 p.m. today.

****
In body issue news. I am still weighing in between 151 - 152. I had to buy new jeans yesterday because my 12s were too big & my Old Navy 8s fit but are too low waisted now (my belly is more poochy because my muscles are weaker. I got at 2 pairs of size 8s and 1 pair of 10s. That made me feel good. Did 35 minutes on the treadmill this morning, but that's the first exercise I've had in 2 weeks. At least it's a start.

If you're snowed in-- take comfort in the fact that March is not far away. And hang in there!

My Dad

It doesn't seem like it's been over two weeks since I last posted. My days and weeks are so filled, they are flying by. Yet, in some ways it feels like time is moving slowly. Makes no sense, does it? I think it's because my days are packed solid, but they are not my own anymore.

I work, I take care of kids, I take care of household stuff (the best I can anyway), and I take care of my dad. I finally ran/walked yesterday for 30 minutes (I have lost so much strength and endurance and can barely run 5 minutes at a time now), but it had been 8 days since my last short run. We did get a treadmill a couple weeks ago, which is awesome. I've only used it twice, but at least it's there. I wouldn't have gotten in 30 minutes yesterday without it.

My weight is holding steady at 152-ish pounds. I am squishy and definitely not ready for spring clothing, but at least I'm not bursting my seams any longer.

I had strep throat last week & was completely down for one whole day. Thank God for antibiotics. I was back at it in about 36 hours.

My dad takes up a lot of my time now, at least 2 days a week when I'm staying with him (including Saturdays). And I spend at least two to three hours a day on phone calls or paperwork for him. He's been approved for one of the highest VA benefit levels (as of Monday) and we are getting a lot of help from the VA (finally--we applied in September). We are so blessed that we can take care of him without having to worry about how to pay for it. My sister has exhausted her FMLA and is now on personal leave from her job with Toyota. Since my Dad worked at Toyota, too, they are very accommodating to my sister.

He continues to decline, but slowly. He can barely lift himself from his wheelchair now. He insists on getting himself off his chair & onto the toilet (which is a slow, painful, difficult process), because he has a little strength left, but that's not going to last much longer. He already has a catheter, though, so his bathroom trips are usually only once a day. We are getting a power Hoyer lift from the VA soon so we can lift him when he can't any longer. He can't feed himself. He can still swallow food but liquids and pills are getting to be impossible. He's now on liquid lortab & my sister is opening his capsules and giving to him with food. It won't be long before he's on a feeding tube.

We are getting a hospital bed from the VA on Friday & it is going in the family room. Dad won't like it. He doesn't even sleep in a bed. He spends all of his time in his scooter wheelchair. Literally, almost 24 hours a day in that chair. Thankfully he is getting a real wheelchair in a couple weeks from the VA. This one will recline so he can put his feet up. His body is horribly swollen even though he's on two water pills, and his belly is distended (he was already a big guy, but 4 -5 months of not using his muscles is taking it's toll).

He needs care 24/7. We do not have anyone but family caring for him. My sister stays with him, my cousin and two uncles stay with him, my sister's best friend helps out, I stay with him, even my mom and her husband are spending time there when one of us can't. But it's getting hard to keep all the hours covered. I can feel the tension when people feel like they are spending too much time there. It's really hard. My dad is so stubborn, he doesn't even want a stranger (as in, a VA-paid-for Visiting Nurse person) to come help out 3 hours a day to cook and clean, even with my sister there with him. There is one visiting nurse girl that went to school with my sister who can come twice a week, but my dad doesn't want anyone else but her. So for now, we have to give up 3 days a week of help. My sister "handles" my dad and she has to bear the brunt of his displeasure, so if she says it's OK then she just gets 2 days a week. Personally it ticks me off that he can't be flexible, but he has nothing left--literally, can do nothing himself any longer--so him exerting his will is all he's got left, I guess.

His speech is also almost completely gone. When he's not tired he is easier to understand. But last weekend when I was leaving around 7 p.m., I couldn't make out anything. It's extremely frustrating for everyone. He has a talking computer with a keyboard on loan from the MDA, and he can type with a pencil slowly, but he won't use it. I don't understand his choices. We are waiting to see if he is going to get a communication device with eye-gaze speech, but they are very expensive and we don't know if medicare or his insurance or the VA will pay for it. Who knows if he'll even use it.

It's very hard. It hit me the other day the kinds of things I used to worry about and spend my time on before Dad got ALS. A lot of it seems silly now. Some things, like running and training for races, I miss terribly. I know this is temporary, and I know that I will not regret spending time with and for my Dad after this is all over. It still doesn't make life any easier right now. Thankfully my husband is supportive. My mom is amazing. My sister is a saint. And my Dad's brothers are there for him like they've never been before.

I think we are all in mourning now, before he's even gone. It's unbelievably hard to watch someone go through this. And sadly, it's just going to get harder.

Good news, bad news

The good news is I weighed 152.0 yesterday. My clothes fit much better and I feel better about my body. I'm still squishy--I need to lift weights again--but at least the squishy stuff takes up less space. More good news--we bought a treadmill & it should be here next week.

The bad news is my life is getting more insane, not less. I am going to my Dad's on Thursdays & Saturdays now to take care of him. Mark has agreed to let me miss work on Thursdays & he will be studying and working on Saturdays & my mom will keep the kids.

What the Saturday thing means is this--I have to cancel the marathon in April. I can't run for hours & hours on a Saturday morning & still go to my dad's to take care of him. It's just not possible. Plus, Dad will either be in really horrible shape in April, or he will have recently passed away. There's no way I can deal with that emotionally, and my family (the ones who are helping with my dad) can't support me in a race that took time away from my responsibilities. So it's off.

I'll still run the half marathon on 4/11/10, because after running four halfs I know I can train for 13.1 miles without too much trouble. And I'll either run Chicago in October or wait until next April & run Evansville's 2nd marathon (assuming they do it again).

I was really upset last Friday when I committed to staying with Dad every Saturday & realized what that meant to my plans. It's a big dream, celebrating my 40th birthday with a marathon run. But it can wait. I got over being upset pretty quickly.

Seeing my Dad barely able to lift himself out of a chair puts things in perspective. I'm damn lucky to be able to run at all.

Thankful in 2010

Even though my life is crazy right now, I've got a lot to be thankful for as we start a new year.

And if I had more time, I'd list them all right now. But, since I'm sneaking in a post between getting the kids to bed & preparing a client review for a meeting tomorrow, I'll name just a few.

I'm thankful I have my health. Seriously. There are so many people around me who are seriously ill, it's a miracle to me that I am healthy and can even run.

I'm thankful for my husband and children. Mark has worked a miracle this year, working hard and keeping us in business during one of the worst stock markets ever. He also made all A's in his college courses. He's just two classes away from finishing his degree.

My children are, without a doubt, the best thing that have ever happened to me & my husband. Sophie is astonishingly talented and beautiful (not that I'm prejudiced or anything) and is doing well in school. Her dizzy spells are gone but they are manageable and she's missed only a handful of days of school this year because of them. She was accepted to sing a solo in her school's variety show; kids have to audition if they want a solo because so few solos are allowed. The theme is "{School's Name} is Out of This World" with songs around stars, sky, moon, etc. She is singing Don McLean's "Vincent (Starry Starry Night)," which is significant because Mark loves Van Gogh, Sophie painted a copy of Starry Starry Night for Mark when she was 6 years old, and Sophie is an artist in her own right. She has a great voice. I'm so excited for her. Luke is full of energy and life, is more clever than any 4 year old has a right to be, and keeps me on my toes as a mother. He is the most loving little boy I've ever met, and is rough and tumble and is always ready for fun.

I'm thankful that I am not experiencing the horrible Seasonal Affective Disorder symptoms from last year. This is a HUGE deal. I am almost paralyzed every year by SAD. This year, I think the difference is because I'm taking calcium every day (600 mg day & night), taking fish oil capsules twice a day, and I'm using my SAD light on a regular basis. I'm also running outside more than I have in past winters.

It doesn't hurt that I'm down to 153.6 too. Fitting into my clothes and feeling better about my body always helps my state of mind. Not drowning my emotions in food (thanks in no small part to the Adipex I started a little over a month ago) helps a lot.

Not running enough miles to be trained well for the marathon in April, but running enough to stay in the running, so to speak. We just bought a treadmill today. Woohoo! I ran Saturday in 20 degree weather with about a 10 degree windchill for 6.25 miles. It was supposed to be 10, but my face & hands weren't protected well enough so I had to cut it short. Cold weather running I can handle; frigid weather running I wasn't prepared for. Gotta research some good gear.

Hope you are having a happy new year!

Merry Christmas!

I hope you all have a blessed & peaceful Christmas! Thank you for all your support this year. It has meant so much to me.

Last week I reached 154.8, which I haven't weighed in ages. I can wear my 10s comfortably & I just feel more comfortable in my skin.

My running has not been what it needs to be, though. I have only run once this week, & have an 8 mile group training run tomorrow. I'm going to run 3 miles today, hopefully. So the running thing needs to get better pronto because the mileage for marathon training is already increasing, and April 11th is quickly approaching. I'm hoping now that Christmas is here I'll have more time soon.

New Year's Resolutions (which I don't usually do but might this year) are just around the corner.

Hope you have a great holiday with your families!

Update

The past week & a half have been pretty crazy, but I'm surviving. I have made some positive changes though. Here's the scoop.

I didn't run 3 times last week like I was supposed to. I only ran one 3 miler, but I did run the 6 mile group training run on Saturday. It was good. I'm really slow still, just under 12 minute miles, but I ran more than I usually do (as opposed to taking a lot of walk breaks) and I finished at least. It was cold but not rainy or very windy, so the weather wasn't a factor. That's not always going to be the case, I'm sure. This Saturday's run is 7 miles.

I ran 3 miles last night--left the house at 7 p.m. after Mark got home & went to the gym. (THIS is why I want a treadmill. But, alas, still no cheap deals to be had. I keep emailing Craigslist people, they keep ignoring me. I guess they are sold by the time I email.) I didn't want to leave the coziness of my warm house, but I did anyway because I have to.

In other news.... I decided that desperate times call for desperate measures, and I'm putting the "better living through chemicals" slogan to work on the diet front. Yes, I went to a diet doc and got diet pills. They are Adipex, which is phentremine. I'm on 37.5 mg a day, split in two doses. I've been on them for a little over a week. So far I haven't had any negative side effects. It really does work. My appetite is squashed. The doctor explained how the drug works on the brain--telling the brain you aren't starving yourself when you are eating 1500 calories a day & you don't need to eat everything in sight right before bed. And that's exactly what's happening.

These aren't miracle pills. You don't lose weight if you don't eat right & exercise. For me, they are keeping me on track, taking away that desperate feeling of NEEDING to eat junk food. I eat healthfully because I need to fuel my body. The pills take away the desire to eat just to eat, and also to eat to comfort or soothe. That's the problem I needed solved. I use antidepressents to help keep my moods stable, so I figure if it's not hurting me, then why not use a diet drug that's been around for decades to help me keep my eating desires stable?

I've lost a little over 3 pounds since starting Adipex, but I'm down 6.4 pounds from my high weight in mid November. My mom asked me Monday if I was losing weight again, & my clothes are definitely fitting better.

The next thing I need to do is add weight training back in. I think my best bet is the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD, as far as a time commitment goes. Even though it's only a 20 minute workout, I still haven't found time to squeeze it in yet.

My dad continues to get worse, health wise (he has ALS). My sister takes care of him during the day & my cousin & uncle take care of him at night. He can still use his power wheel chair, can still use his fingers enough to use the computer a bit, can still lift himself up from his chair (but he's getting weaker & weaker), can still feed himself. But he can't do anything else. We've watched him decline so quickly that we figure he will be bed bound in another month. But, who knows. He's pretty stubborn. I'm responsible for all the bills and paperwork, and there's tons of paperwork--VA, Social Security, long term disability, insurance, MDA, bills. It's overwhelming and takes a ton of time.

Business has been good. Mark is working like mad and it's paying off. I'm so thankful we are doing OK and are still in business. Last year at this time it was very, very scary.

Sophie & Luke are doing well. Sophie had not been having dizzy spells until last week, when we had some big low pressure systems go through & knocked her for a loop. The days it was sunny again she was fine, & then another system went through Monday & she was dizzy again. She's only missed one full day of school, though, the rest of the days she is fine by mid morning/late afternoon. So the meds are still working, they just can't eliminate the migraines completely.

One piece of bad news--we are losing our health insurance in March. The company we work with (they don't employ us, they are our broker/dealer & we pay them to use their services but our sales & commissions flow through them) had to cancel the group health plan they started 2 years ago, because they didn't have enough people participate and the group is costing money instead of making it for the insurance company.

So we have to apply for Medicaid, get turned down, and then apply to the State insurance pool. I have heard it can take 6 to 8 months for this whole process to work. Luke & I will be on regular individual plans (I actually already have one--I switched over to a new plan in October when they raised our rates on the family plan 60%). But Mark & Sophie are uninsurable, because of their health issues. We tried to get them coverage in 2007 & they were both declined, so I'm not just assuming they will be turned down. They already have been.

We've been watching the health care bill more carefully than we ever would have before. I don't care what your politics are, this is what I've learned--if you have to pay 100% for your own health insurance coverage, you're a lot more affected by how expensive good insurance is. And when you don't have insurance and you can't get insurance, then a public option sounds like an awesome idea. Unfortunately, that's apparently not going to happen any time soon.

Just one more thing I have to deal with. At least the wellbutrin, fish oil, calcium, SAD light, xanax, adipex, and running are all doing their jobs & keeping me (relatively) sane.

I ran today--YAY!

It was yet another rough week. I think I cried every single day. By Friday night I was completely fried.

Today was a better day. Mark & I cleaned & cooked & did laundry. The kids were wonderful. Everything I did today was for ME & MY FAMILY.

It was about time.

I even got to run 3 miles this afternoon while Sophie was at a birthday party & Mark & Luke were home playing. They were glorious miles. Nothing special, nothing fast. Just me on the treadmill at the Y, listening to U2 and walking to warm up, running a full mile in 11 minutes, then walking a bit, then running again slowly and increasing my speed every minute until I got to 7.0 mph (that last sprint was rough, but I was channeling Jillian Michaels yelling at me, and it worked). It felt so unbelievably good to move & sweat.

Monday is THE DAY that marathon training starts. I need to run at least 3 times during the week next week--two 3 milers and one 4 miler, then a 6 mile group run with the training group on Saturday. It may be prayer alone that makes all these runs happen, because God knows my life certainly doesn't have room for training right now.

We are on hold for the treadmill for a bit. I'm hoping to find one for cheap on Craigslist & haven't gotten a response from one seller yet. I'm wondering if next March there will be a flood of them, from people who buy them in January and use them for one week and decide to cut their losses. Their loss might be my gain. We'll see.

I've got a clean house, most of the laundry is done (more to do after I finish here), and I have a healthy family. That's good enough for this girl, for today.

Big black hole... Looking for light

I feel like November was this big black hole that sucked the life right out of me.

I am so ready for the light.

I'm sitting on my couch now, finally watching The Biggest Loser "Where Are They Now?" from last week, and I am INSPIRED. Matt's story of the Ironman Triathalon made me cry. I've been scared that the marathon in April isn't going to happen. I ran last week 3 days, which is more than I have run in weeks & weeks. But I have to do more than 3 days a week. There's just no getting around it.

And after watching the inspirational "After" stories (I'm still in the middle of watching it... how's that for multitasking?) I can't wait to put on my running shoes & hit the pavement.

Since it's almost bedtime, I'll wait until tomorrow.

A very good thing to report--my husband has finally relented & agrees we need a treadmill. WOOHOO! We are reading reviews, looking at Craigslist, trying to decide on the best deal for the money. But, baby, we are finally going to get a treadmill in da house.

It won't just be a coat rack, that's for sure.

Thanksgiving was good. We went to Indianapolis & spent 3 days with Mark's family. We went to the zoo one afternoon, which was wonderful. I didn't over do it, food wise. I ran 3 miles Thanksgiving morning (in the bitter cold & wind & even some sprinkling rain...yeah, it sucked), and I felt great all day because I did. This morning I weighed and was 160.0. It's a flabby 160, though. I have lost so much muscle tone, it's ridiculous. I can still wear my size 10 pants & my size 12 jeans are loose, but I miss my muscles even more than loose size 8s.

Mark is ready to lose weight too. So we are going to eat well together, get the treadmill, & get this body back into fighting shape.

Marathon training officially starts on Monday.

It's been a while

Sorry it's been so long since I've visited with you all. I'm in survival mode, as you know. It's not getting any better. And it's probably going to get worse before things improve.

I have run a few times since I last posted. Yesterday I hit the treadmill for 3.5 miles. I can tell I've gained weight. It is a lot harder to run at a faster pace. 10-15 pounds is a lot of extra weight to carry at 10 min/mile. So I'm not running 10 min/mile. More like 11:00 to 11:30s. I can run fast for shorter distances, which is what I'm doing & what I've done before. But even my fastest fast is slower. At least the slower running times are a good motivator to lose weight.

And I'm not gaining. But I'm still not losing. Frankly losing weight is the last thing on my mind right now. I'm just trying to keep myself together the best I can without completely self destructing.

Running is hopefully going to be a top priority again, since my Marathon training begins on December 12th and I have to have a pre-training base just to be ready to train. That's why my goal is to run 20 miles this week & every week until the 12th. If I can focus on that, hopefully everything else will be stable enough to keep me from bursting my seams.

My dad's ALS is getting worse every week. He is barely able to transfer himself from place to place. He's having more trouble eating. Today my sister said he is not acting like himself--he's very down, very depressed, doesn't want to eat. I'm not surprised, really. I can imagine the week days are really tough. Weekends we surround him with lots of family, but during the week he has his main care giver and sometimes one other person (whoever might be available from our group of friends & family who are caring for him). The pending divorce & being separated from his totally dysfunctional/batshit crazy wife is hard on him too. My dad's always been emotionally challenged. He's made some tough choices the past few months which have helped bring us all back together, but it doesn't stop him from missing the good parts of his marriage. I think it's like the battered woman who misses her husband; once she's away, she forgets how he used to beat the crap out of her, until someone reminds her of what he's really like. We've had to do a lot of reminding the past several weeks.

The kids are healthy. Mark is healthy. I am healthy. Thank God for small miracles!

Email or comment if you miss me & I'll email you back or I'll post. Otherwise I'll probably let it slide until someone (Vickie :-) bugs me.

I miss this part of me. Hopefully I can keep just enough life in this blog that it will be here when I'm ready for it again.

Nutrisystem, with a meeting

That's what the hospital weight loss program turned out to be. The program is based on HMR meal replacements, which are shelf stable packaged foods similar to Nutrisystem. I would have done the 3 entrees/2 shakes/5 cups of fruits/veggies a day. I would have gone to one meeting a week, which was 90 minutes long but that I had to leave 10 minutes early to pick up Luke from daycare. And I'm sure I'd have lost weight on the program.

But it just didn't feel right. More on that in a minute.

Have you ever had shelf stable entrees? They are, without a doubt, one of the yuckiest things I've ever eaten. I couldn't imagine eating three of those entrees a day for three months. I knew when I called the hospital and asked about the program that meal replacements were involved, but I didn't realize it was the backbone of the whole deal. I hoped it might be like LA Weight Loss's shakes, where you could optionally substitute a shake for a meal, or you'd do 3 meals a day and 2 shakes a day. But no. It's expensive Non Food that they built the program around.

I'm sure it works for a lot of people. But it's not for me.

The not feeling right part started with the nurse who did the informational meeting. She was not obese by any means, but she seriously has more weight to lose than I do! That was the first strike.

At one point in the presentation she asked the group (there were 4 other people) why they wanted to lose weight, and she completely ignored me. Just listened to the other 4, and went right along as if I wasn't even in the room, as if someone who wants to lose "only" 20 pounds isn't worthy of her time. Strike two.

After the meeting was over, I explained that I would have to leave the weekly meeting 10 minutes early each week, and they treated me like I was nuts. "Can't you have someone else pick up your son?" "Can't you do the 6 p.m. class?" Why, no, I've already thought of those options and if they WERE options, I wouldn't be asking to leave 10 minutes early. I'm kind of busting their chops on this issue, because it wasn't that big a deal. It just added to my overall icky feeling about the whole thing. So, strike three, they were out.

I came back to the office afterwards and talked with Mark about it. He had done Nutrisystem last year and hated it. I told him what I wanted--LA Weight Loss back--and he said, why don't you just create your own program and follow it?

Well, yeah, easy to say. Not so easy to implement.

But I am definitely in the "pre-planning" stage of making this happen, and I feel the momentum building toward implementation.

Because I have got to get this weight off in the next few months.

Because I have signed up to (wait for it) run a full marathon in April 2010.

Yeah, I know, I know, I already said ages ago I was going to run the marathon in Nashville next year. But with everything going on with my dad & with our business, it wasn't an option to plan an out of town trip that far in the future.

So in October, right after I ran the Evansville Half Marathon, I was given a huge gift. I learned that Evansville is hosting its first ever full marathon on April 11, 2010, which is 2 days before I turn 40. Perfect timing. The organizers of the race are running a training program with long runs on Saturdays--bonus!

No excuses, I'm doing this marathon next year.

I printed the running schedule off today. I'm resolved to do this thing, but right now I'm completely freaking intimidated. The PRE-TRAIN schedule says I should be running 5 days a week for a total of 21 miles a week for at least a month before the training starts in December. Holy crap! That's more miles than I've ever run in my life.

Which I guess is the point, eh?

I always do my best and accomplish great things when I have a goal. I not only have a goal, I will have help to get there thanks to the Saturday training runs. And I know that I will always, thankfully, have my blog friends for support and accountability.

Thanks, guys, for sticking with me during these dark days. I can feel the light coming. Hopefully I'll be lighter on the scale soon, too.

Desperate Times

It hit me hard this weekend that I was on a slippery slope, sliding out of control toward being obese again. It also hit me hard that there is no way I can correct my course without help.

I've been here before, in this place where I keep telling myself "tomorrow I'll start eating right" or "what is wrong with me? why'd I put that food in my mouth?" And the way I fixed it, at last, was through L.A. Weight Loss, where I met with someone three times a week and followed a prescribed portion plan.

Unfortunately they went out of business in our town in 2008--before I finished my one year contract with them, by the way.

So yesterday I called a local hospital's weight management center. It's a bariatric surgery center, but they have a non-surgical program that is medically supervised and has weekly meetings. I'm going on Tuesday at noon to an informational meeting, and then the weekly meetings will start for me on Wednesday of the next week (I have to have a medical review with a nurse before I can start the meetings).

I guess it's a little nuts to start a weight loss program right before the holidays, but honestly I just can't take this anymore. I could easily gain 10 more pounds by the end of the year--or, hell, it could 20 pounds at the rate I'm going--and I'm not willing to put myself in the "obese" category again.

It's hard enough feeling like I do now. I can't even fathom what 170 or 180 pounds would feel like again.

And I don't ever, ever want to find out.

Thankfully I'm self aware enough (& desperate enough) that I know I can't do this by myself. I need accountability, I need a financial investment, and I need an official plan. So I'm hopeful that the hospital program will be the ticket.

It may be a desperate measure, but that's what I need right now.

M.I.A.

Missing in action is definitely how I feel lately, & not just in blog land. My life right now is so far from what I want it to be--so far from what I've created over the past two years--that I feel like I'm missing an essential piece of who I am.

Namely, the Skinny Girl.

I'm in crisis, guys. My dad's dying, and he's getting a divorce (yes! a divorce! this is a very, very good thing), and it's a lot of work (I'm handling all his finances & paperwork) and emotional upset (the separation/divorce filing court hearing was yesterday and it was a really tough day).

I haven't run or done any exercise since the half marathon on October 11. I've had a few good food days here & there, but there's no consistency for me to get any traction. I've been having those "I can't control myself" feelings around food again and the "Why am I eating like this?" zombie brain like the bad old days.

Work is crazy busy, which is good because we have gotten a couple new clients recently and we are doing marketing events and we are making some money. Every month we are still in business is a victory. But busy is still busy, and it's just one more thing derailing my workouts & food.

I'm not in a place where I can just prioritize better, or wake up earlier, or plan my meals ahead of time. Yes, those are all excellent ways to live a better life. They just aren't possible for someone in my position.

Which is hanging by my fingernails from a very steep cliff.

Thank God, we are healthy. Neither of the kids is sick. I've picked up something in the last day or two but it's just an annoying head cold thingy. Mark is doing okay. Sophie's dizzy spells have been, praise the Lord and medication, pretty much nonexistent this fall. So I'm not without saving graces here.

I have tons of family support. My mom and my sister are always there for me. My uncle (my dad's brother) has been a rock. There are many extended family members--cousins, aunts--who are coming to our rescue, as well.

I am not alone. I'm just overwhelmed.

I will be around the blog world, as I have a little time. This part of who I am--my blog, my bloggy friends--is why I know I can resurrect Skinny Girl when things aren't so insane.

I just hope she doesn't get completely smothered by Fat Girl. I'll settle for Moderately Overweight Girl for the time being.

***
And yes, dear friend Vickie, I had a lovely time with my dad at the Celtic Woman concert, thank you for asking. Altogether, there were 15 of us there! Dad & Mark & Sophie & my niece Jillian got to go backstage & meet two of the singers. It was a remarkable evening that my dad said "filled a hole in his heart." Sophie said she will always remember that night, as long as she lives. I think the rest of us will, too.

Imagine what I could do if I applied myself

So I ran the half marathon Sunday, even though I'd only gotten 4 hours sleep the night before and even though my training basically evaporated 2 months ago.

It wasn't bad.

I finished officially in around 2:54:ish, and unofficially (because my Garmin stops counting when I stop) in 2:43:ish. I walked a good portion of the last 3 miles and my running pace, when I was running, was much slower than usual, in the 11 - 12 min/mile range.

I was really, super glad I did it.

I didn't get injured, I didn't feel horrible all day, and I was stiff the next day but on Tuesday I was back to feeling normal.

It's frankly amazing that my body cooperates with me so well. I feel like I have been given a huge gift, to be able to run/walk 13.1 miles with virtually no training, not hurt myself, and not be miserable for days after.

So I keep thinking to myself "Imagine what I'd do if I'd trained?!"

I'll share more soon......

Tiny little update

So today is a good day. I'm taking it a day a time, and today so far is a good day.

I got to run yesterday, 3.24 miles, 39 minutes. It was a good run. I felt strong, even though it had been forever since I'd run much. I weighed 158.6 this morning, so I'm holding steady. I didn't binge last night--it's hard to eat Oreos when you're watching The Biggest Loser, ya know?

Things with my dad are still going well. He wanted to take the family to see The Celtic Woman performance this Saturday night, so we have 13 tickets (we have a big extended family!) and we are all going. It's his big "final gift" to everyone. I'm going to surprise him with a gift of our own--we have backstage passes for him. Right now we have 2, and I'm trying to get a 3rd so that both my sister & me can go with him. Otherwise, I'll let my sister go (if that's what Dad wants) because she has put up with so much crap over the years and never left his side. I think it will mean the world to him.

I'm still waffling about the half marathon, which is this Sunday. I really want to do it. If I get any semblance of decent sleep & the weather is cooperative, I'm going to. If it's too much, then I won't. No pressure on myself, at all. I figure I can do it in 3 hours without too much trouble (hope those aren't famous last words!).

For now, it's all good.

Except I got a speeding ticket this morning, which sucks. But you know? It didn't really upset me, so I guess that's a sign I'm dealing with life pretty well right now. Thanks be to God.

Is it Friday already?

And it's October? Are you kidding me? My son turns 4 in a month. Christmas is less than 3 months away. 2010 is a mere 90 days from now.

I guess my age is starting to show, because time is flying by faster than ever.

We also are one year out from when we thought the financial world was going to collapse. I'm frankly astonished--and thankful--that we (my husband & me) are still in business. It's been a rough year. But we survived.

Things are going well with my dad. The wife is still gone. They are emailing each other, and he is forwarding all their emails to me & my sister so we know what's going on and so he feels protected, emotionally, from her. He still loves her, he says, but he can't have her in his life anymore because of how she shuts everyone else in his family out. I've spent more time with him & talked with him more in the past week than I have in the last 2 years. And it's good time. There's immense healing going on. He's a different person. He told me he feels alive for the first time in years. This, from a man who the doctors have said has 6 to 12 months to live.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28

I lifted weights Wednesday night & ran 1.5 miles. I still feel sore. If I'm going to do any more workouts this weekend, though, it's going to be a stretch--I've got plans with Sophie & Mark tonight (nature walk with church group) and tomorrow (swim lessons @ 9:30, pick up my dad for the ALS walk at 11:30, ALS walk from 11:30 - ?, stay with my dad until 7 p.m.-ish). Then Sunday will be church, grocery shop, laundry, clean, and family vegetation in front of TV football if there's time.

Anyway, I'm doing OK. I haven't gained any more weight, which is a plus. My jeans still fit. I brought my SAD light into the office & started sitting under it yesterday. It's on right now. I only have to sit under it for 40 minutes so it being kind of in the way isn't a big deal. I just move it when I'm done.

So that's it from here. I will check in with you all next week.

Too much

My dad kicked his emotionally abusive wife out last Wednesday. You might remember the drama around his illness (he has ALS) and his wife trying to drive my sister & me away from him. He'd finally had it last Wednesday after yet another confrontation and told her to leave. He not only told her to leave, he called my sister and asked her to come over to protect him. Then he asked my sister to call my mom & her husband and have them come over so they could protect him. This is unprecedented. My dad wants my mom around, my mom and her 6'6'' husband who has a concealed weapons license. Dad's afraid. He hasn't been alone for one minute since she left. And she's left peacefully, for now.

I've been spending a lot of time with him since then, which has been a huge blessing.

The good news is that a tremendous peace has settled on our family now that she's gone.

The bad news is now I can't just put his illness and my feelings in my nice little box and file it away and ignore it. I have to deal with all the emotions. And it's hard. Really really hard.

I'm not losing any weight, because I have zero energy for it. I'm scared. I realized yesterday I could easily have 40 pounds to lose instead of 10 if I don't get a handle on myself soon. I have got to make exercise a priority. It's the only thing that is going to save me, because I don't have the energy to do the food right now. Exercise makes a difference on every level. I feel better, I look better, it helps keeps the comfort food eating in check.

But I have had no time to do anything since Wednesday, before I got the call from my sister Wednesday night.

I'm not spending all my nights with my dad. There are miracles at work and we have other family members (on my dad's side) who are living with him & taking care of his daily needs. But I'll be spending significant time with him every weekend, which I'm happy about. He may not have many weekends left. And I'm now co-Power of Attorney (with my sister) and I have responsibility for getting his finances figured out.

I'm not sleeping well, so I started taking xanax again to sleep. That makes it hard to wake up in the morning. It's all quite a mess, actually.

Anyway, I'm going to try to leave today at 4 p.m. and either take a body pump class or go running in this gorgeous weather.

I don't have all the answers. I know things could be worse. I know they could be much much better. I'm going to do the best I can. Please pray that I don't end up back at 200 pounds before this is all over with.

***
Vickie, you'd asked a while back when I go to sleep at night. That is a great question and you have zero'd in on a big problem I have. I'm a night owl by nature, & my brain gears up around 9 p.m. and I usually watch TV and do laundry or just vegetate on the couch or read. I go to sleep around 11 p.m. most nights, sometimes later (last night it was almost midnight). Not a good plan for breakfast, eh? It doesn't help that my husband stays up even later than I do. I need an overhaul!

Tuesday update

Man, I've got nothing creative whatsoever to say today, so I'll just give the basics.

I ran/walked a total of 10 miles last week. That's the most I've done since mid August.

I had very little time to workout yesterday, but I didn't let that stop me. I walked a couple laps then ran 2 miles on the indoor track at the Y. I then did 15 pushups (broken into 3 sets) & did situps for a few minutes.

Food has been The Suck. I have not been eating breakfast regularly. I didn't eat anything this morning until 10 a.m. Bad, bad, bad.

I went shopping Saturday at one of the nice thrift stores in town. I refuse to spend $$$ on bigger clothes, but I have to have clothes that fit. I can't magic these 8-10 pounds off my body over night, so the solution was to buy new second-hand clothes. I found a great pair of black pants, size 10. Found a brand new pair of Limited "the suit" wool pants, with tags on ($98 on the tag, at that) for $6. These were a 12, but they are a bit baggy & my skinny weight Limited pants are 10s, so I was okay with the 12s. I found a few other pieces that were all size 10s. Monday I wore the black pants & felt so much better about the way I looked. It sucks to gain weight, but it sucks more to wear tight clothes that just emphasize to you & everyone else that you've gained weight.

I realize, of course, that buying bigger clothes sizes & not feeling horribly distressed about it could be a very dangerous thing. I'm not happy that I'm in bigger sizes; but I'm not destroyed right now. Of course, it helps ease my guilt a little, knowing that I only spent $35 and got 2 dresses, 2 skirts, 2 pairs of pants, and a Talbots shirt.

I know the weight gain has to stop. I don't have my head in the sand. I weighed yesterday & I weighed today (159.2 and 158.8, respectively). It's not out of control yet. I've got the YMCA group exercise schedule, and my goal is to do two Body Pump classes a week. I'll run/walk several other days a week. For me, I think weight training is a major missing link in my fitness & body image. I loved having firm muscles last year. I want that back.

It's a start at least.

Now, if I can just do that one simple thing of eating breakfast every day, maybe I'll have a shot.

There may be hope after all

Thank you all for your encouragement. I should know by now I can spill my ugly guts & you all will still be nothing but supportive.

Clearly I have not reacquired my 200 pound body. I have not had to buy new clothes (but it's getting close). My body is closer to the weight I've been the majority of my life. The 145-151 pound range is the anomaly here. Not 158.

And at 158 I've got the body of someone you see as the "before" shot on the P90X commercials. Not horrible, I grant you. But obviously there's room for lots of improvement. If you believe in the BMI, I'm "overweight" at anything above 149.

And I feel overweight right now. I AM overweight right now. I'm eating like I'm overweight. I'm not exercising enough. It's the same old slippery slope all over again.

The crap of it is, I've got no energy to deal with it right now. Jill's right. I've got to just hang on to what I can, maintain, not go nutso with the food (I have not succumbed to powdered sugar donuts or DQ blizzards, so there's still hope), and run when I can.

I did run yesterday. It was kind of neat actually. I just couldn't start out running. I was so tired, feeling so out of shape. So I walked a quick mile--about 14:30 min/mile according to Garmin. Then I felt like I could run. Well, jog actually. Mile 2 was around 12 mins. Then I walked the 3rd mile again. Then I ran the 4th mile.

Funny thing about that 4th mile. I did it in 10:30.

Huh. Slow down to go faster. There's a novel idea.

If I didn't have to pick up the kids from day care, I could have kept going another 4 miles, easy. I barely felt winded, tired, bored, or otherwise. I felt energized. I haven't felt like that in a long time.

During the 1st mile it hit me like a Mack truck that I could do this half marathon in October if I walked a good portion of it. I could alternate miles or half miles, whatever I felt like. I know I can run 6.5 miles. I know I can walk 6.5 miles. I can put them together and do the half. It won't be fast, but at least it won't be a total loss. I do have to get some miles on the bod between now and October 11, but I've got enough time that I won't hurt myself if I just slow it down.

Obviously I reserve the right to change my mind at any time & bow the hell out of this thing, but for now it's back on and the t-shirt I pick up on October 9th will at least mean something to me if I show up on October 11. What? You don't think I'd pay $55 and not get the free stuff, do you? I'm getting the free stuff no matter what.

In other news.... Sophie woke up this morning with a dizzy spell, but I gave her an ativan & ibuprofen and within 90 minutes it was gone. GONE! I think we have found the magic medicine combination for this girl. I took her to school only an hour & a half late. Mark is starting to feel better, after 12 days of having the flu. He's no where near 100%, but at least he's not struggling to talk and breathe at the same time.

My dad's ALS is getting much worse, very quickly. I haven't seen him for quite a while, but we email each other, which is better anyway because his speech is nearly unintelligible. We were all supposed to see him the Sunday before his birthday, which was the day before Labor Day. He had to cancel because he'd had other family (his wife's) up that weekend and was exhausted by Sunday night. It was an intervention from God, because Mark woke up that Monday with the flu. My dad would not survive a respiratory infection.

The kids start swim lessons tomorrow again. Sophie is at the top level - Shark - & Luke will take his first swim lesson ever. He really got used to the water this summer, in his floaty vest of course. I'm so excited to see them both in the pool at the same time.

It's coming on fall. I love the cooler temps and gorgeous leaves, but hate the lack of sunlight. I am going to start using my SAD lamp soon, or else I'm going to be in trouble.