I love having goals. Goals make me do what I need to do, even when I don't want to do them. I don't meet every goal I set, but for some reason goals for exercise really work for me. Especially in the running department.
Last week I ran 20.06 miles over 5 days. I had two days where I only had about 25 minutes to workout. I could have easily shucked it & not run. Both days I had to drive to the gym to go running (one day was Sophie's swim class, so I was there already, but it was still on the treadmill). I ran 2 miles on each of those days. Not much, but they helped give me a mental boost and since I ran them fast I burned a fair amount of calories.
Something is better than nothing, any day.
The other three running days were 3.4, 8.5, and 4. The 8.5 mile run was on Saturday. The 4 mile was on Sunday.
I'm taking today off.
My May mileage is 72.32 miles. That's the most miles I've run in ANY month. Ever. Even without the 13.1 miles from the Half Marathon on May 2nd, it's a decent running month.
As I've said before, my goal is to run 20 miles a week for several months to get ready to train for next year's marathon. I know I can do it. I've succeeded now 2 of the past 3 weeks.
But, you know, I have to wonder if this 20 miles a week thing is a good idea.
Primarily because I haven't lost any weight from the increased mileage. I know, I know. Weight loss is absolutely, positively 80% diet, 20% exercise (in the real world, anyway. I don't have 6 hours a day to workout like they do on The Biggest Loser). And my diet has been far from where it needs to be if I want to get these pesky 10 pounds off.
And I'm not lifting weights or doing any resistance workouts. It truly takes 5 days a week--at least for now--for me to get in 20 miles. I need those two rest days. But I need to build my muscles, too.
I want balance in my exercise life. All running & no other exercise to round out my fitness is not balance.
Obviously, if I want to do all that I want to do, I need to make time to workout more than once a day on some days. The idea of that is quite appealing. I'd love to do a pilates DVD or Jillian's 30 Day Shred in the a.m. and then run in the afternoon. Or vice versa, since the temp today is going to be (gulp) 91 degrees.
It's that a.m. workout that is going to be the problem.
Mornings & me don't mix. And unless it's for a race, mornings & me & exercise don't mix.
I'm going to have to figure out a reward of some kind that's motivating enough to get my butt out of bed at 5 a.m. to do something about this dilemma. Fitness for fitness sake would be nice, but I'm not there yet. I need something else, I think. I need a goal & I need a reward.
Any ideas?
***
Thank you for all your comments to my past two posts. I'm waiting to hear back from a couple of people on recommendations, then I'll make that tough first call. "Yes, hello, I'm broken & I need to be fixed." It's okay though. I know I could be broken into a thousand little pieces, and I'm not. Maybe just 5 or 6. It would be really great if I could get into one solid piece. Hopefully I'll find the help I need to get there.
Monday, June 01, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
The next steps
I'll be calling a psychiatrist next week. Thank you, Vickie, for offering to ask your doctor if he knows anyone good down here. I checked our insurance & it looks like there are over a dozen psychiatrists on our plan. Yes, we have insurance, & my copay is $30 for a specialist. It won't cost that much. I'm just tired of doctors and the drugstore. It was simply an excuse, I suppose.
I talked with Mark last night, showed him the test that I found online to see if I should investigate bipolar II (AKA mood swings without mania), & I scored in the "GO SEE A DOCTOR" camp. He read the list & said he's seen these signs in me for over a year.
One of the explanations on the website I found says that antidepressants can make bipolar II worse. They can cause you to cycle through moods more quickly, as quickly as DAILY mood swings. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut when I read what antidepressants can do to you if you actually have bipolar II. It's exactly what I've been going through, getting increasingly worse.
I have NOT self diagnosed myself, even though it kind of sounds like it, doesn't it. I am seeing a doctor as soon as possible. I just did the little test & am recognizing a lot of symptoms that I didn't even know were symptoms! As in, my husband asking me, "What's wrong with you?" when I felt great & happy & silly. I just thought I was feeling good when I'd make funny comments sometimes. Apparently I can be irritating, instead of funny, when I'm like that. Turns out that's a symptom--"people think you act oddly." Who knew. This happened to me in high school a lot, too. So it's not just Mark's opinion that's skewed or something.
I have to tell you, if this is indeed what's wrong with me, I feel a little freaked out. I don't know why I think it's OK to have depression but not bipolar disorder. Maybe because of all the negative connotations that come with that word. I don't know. I just know it's going to be hard to accept. Interestingly, on the "non medication" treatment list I read, one of the first is "accepting that you have the disorder." I guess that means I'm not alone in feeling this way.
Mostly I just feel relieved that I've finally figured out I need help.
I'm praying whichever doctor I work with will respect my insistence that I will not take any drugs that cause weight gain. It looks like there are one or two medications that don't, but the rest do. I'm just not going to medication weight gain land again. Ever. God willing, I won't have to.
I talked with Mark last night, showed him the test that I found online to see if I should investigate bipolar II (AKA mood swings without mania), & I scored in the "GO SEE A DOCTOR" camp. He read the list & said he's seen these signs in me for over a year.
One of the explanations on the website I found says that antidepressants can make bipolar II worse. They can cause you to cycle through moods more quickly, as quickly as DAILY mood swings. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut when I read what antidepressants can do to you if you actually have bipolar II. It's exactly what I've been going through, getting increasingly worse.
I have NOT self diagnosed myself, even though it kind of sounds like it, doesn't it. I am seeing a doctor as soon as possible. I just did the little test & am recognizing a lot of symptoms that I didn't even know were symptoms! As in, my husband asking me, "What's wrong with you?" when I felt great & happy & silly. I just thought I was feeling good when I'd make funny comments sometimes. Apparently I can be irritating, instead of funny, when I'm like that. Turns out that's a symptom--"people think you act oddly." Who knew. This happened to me in high school a lot, too. So it's not just Mark's opinion that's skewed or something.
I have to tell you, if this is indeed what's wrong with me, I feel a little freaked out. I don't know why I think it's OK to have depression but not bipolar disorder. Maybe because of all the negative connotations that come with that word. I don't know. I just know it's going to be hard to accept. Interestingly, on the "non medication" treatment list I read, one of the first is "accepting that you have the disorder." I guess that means I'm not alone in feeling this way.
Mostly I just feel relieved that I've finally figured out I need help.
I'm praying whichever doctor I work with will respect my insistence that I will not take any drugs that cause weight gain. It looks like there are one or two medications that don't, but the rest do. I'm just not going to medication weight gain land again. Ever. God willing, I won't have to.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Hormones & the medication issue
Vickie asked on my last post whatever happened with my meds. She observed that I seem to be going up & down a lot. And she's right. I am going up & down a lot. I thought rather than just posting a response to her blog, I'd write a post here b/c I want all y'alls feedback.
So here's the recent history with my meds. I had gone up to 300 mg of wellbutrin last winter when my SAD kicked in. Turns out, that's a dose that causes severe anxiety in some people, & I am one of those people. My doctor knew exactly why I was so anxious 2 months after upping my dose, & I was relieved I wasn't suffering from a more significant mental issue.
I got off the 300 mg, started lexapro, took that for a week, the anxiety went away, but then I freaked myself out by reading story after story online about people gaining weight on lexapro. And I slapped myself upside the head and went "DOH!" (my favorite Homer Simpson quote). I gain weight on lexapro. & so I asked myself, What the hell am I doing taking it again?!
So I called my doctor & spoke with the nurse & said I'm stopping the lexapro, starting wellbutrin 150 again, and they were fine with it. I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms. & I started feeling much better, pretty quickly. It didn't hurt that it was mid-March by then and the sun was showing up more & more often.
And before you suggest or ask, yes I have a SAD light. No, I do not make time to sit under it every morning in the winter. Yes, I know I need to. No, unfortunately I do not have room at my cubicle to bring it to work. Yes, I know it sounds like I'm making excuses. Yes, I will try to do better next winter & get up earlier & sit under the darn thing.
OK. Moving on.
If you've been reading me long you can probably guess from my word choices today that I'm feeling better. Much much better. Much much much better. In a mere span of 2 days.
I do track my moods & when I'm feeling bad/better, on the spreadsheet that I have been tracking everything on for the past two years--my weight, my exercise, my running miles, my periods, my moods, my family's illnesses, my family's crises, holidays, birthdays, binges, successes, new diets started or stopped, you name it, it's on my spreadsheet.
And what I know very well about myself is that I am severely hit by hormones when I ovulate. & again right before I start my period. The ovulation hormone swing is much much worse, & usually lasts 3-5 days. I often go from feeling completely normal to being in the pit of despair (cue the Albino from "The Princess Bride") within 24 hours. It. Sucks.
My husband asked me Wednesday what was wrong with me. He'd been asking me since Sunday if I was okay. I kept telling him I was fine. He's pretty tuned in to my emotional frequency & can tell when there's something wrong. I finally just told him Wednesday it's my hormones. He asked a question along the lines that Vickie did--do I need medicine for this?
Honestly, I don't know. I don't know what the doctor would put me on to fix it, without me gaining weight. I refuse to take any antidepressants other than wellbutrin. I know for a fact my body gains weight when I'm on anything but wellbutrin, & trust me, a 40 pound weight gain would make me depressed & hormonal 30 days a month instead of a mere 5.
I don't think I need anything resembling a bipolar disorder med. I don't go into severe highs or lows. I'm not detailing the kitchen sink when I feel good; I'm not stuck in bed immobile when I'm down. Plus, I hear those can cause weight gain too. Again, completely 100% not an option.
I have xanax for when things are unbearable. I take xanax every day when I'm hormonal. It gives me a nice mellow feeling when the kids or my husband or the cat and/or dog are driving me insane. I'm sure there is more than one mom out there who has xanax to thank for not ending up on the Evening News.
I exercise when I'm hormonal. It helps, but it is by no means a cure. I feel better during & immediately after, but the emotional malaise creeps back quickly. Exercise endorphins must have a short half-life.
I have never been an even-keel person. I've always had emotional ups & downs, even as a kid I remember being very happy some days, very sad others. My mom is an even-keel person; she wouldn't know a mood swing if it bit her in the ass. My dad, on the other hand, has a history of depression & bad moods (& good moods, where he spends money on things he can't afford, & gets depressed again--this was a common theme in my childhood). I know what even-keel looks like; I know I get my brain functionality honestly.
Perhaps I do have a touch of bipolar disorder. I don't know. And if I didn't already have (literally) tens of thousands of dollars in medical costs already for me, my husband, & my daughter, I might go to a psychologist & find out. But, for now, I'm not willing to spend the time or money. I guess you could say the pain is not great enough for me to fix it. I will, someday, perhaps work on it. It's not that I think I'm not worth it--I am. It's that I'm, well, like many people, just doing the best I can with what I have.
So here's the recent history with my meds. I had gone up to 300 mg of wellbutrin last winter when my SAD kicked in. Turns out, that's a dose that causes severe anxiety in some people, & I am one of those people. My doctor knew exactly why I was so anxious 2 months after upping my dose, & I was relieved I wasn't suffering from a more significant mental issue.
I got off the 300 mg, started lexapro, took that for a week, the anxiety went away, but then I freaked myself out by reading story after story online about people gaining weight on lexapro. And I slapped myself upside the head and went "DOH!" (my favorite Homer Simpson quote). I gain weight on lexapro. & so I asked myself, What the hell am I doing taking it again?!
So I called my doctor & spoke with the nurse & said I'm stopping the lexapro, starting wellbutrin 150 again, and they were fine with it. I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms. & I started feeling much better, pretty quickly. It didn't hurt that it was mid-March by then and the sun was showing up more & more often.
And before you suggest or ask, yes I have a SAD light. No, I do not make time to sit under it every morning in the winter. Yes, I know I need to. No, unfortunately I do not have room at my cubicle to bring it to work. Yes, I know it sounds like I'm making excuses. Yes, I will try to do better next winter & get up earlier & sit under the darn thing.
OK. Moving on.
If you've been reading me long you can probably guess from my word choices today that I'm feeling better. Much much better. Much much much better. In a mere span of 2 days.
I do track my moods & when I'm feeling bad/better, on the spreadsheet that I have been tracking everything on for the past two years--my weight, my exercise, my running miles, my periods, my moods, my family's illnesses, my family's crises, holidays, birthdays, binges, successes, new diets started or stopped, you name it, it's on my spreadsheet.
And what I know very well about myself is that I am severely hit by hormones when I ovulate. & again right before I start my period. The ovulation hormone swing is much much worse, & usually lasts 3-5 days. I often go from feeling completely normal to being in the pit of despair (cue the Albino from "The Princess Bride") within 24 hours. It. Sucks.
My husband asked me Wednesday what was wrong with me. He'd been asking me since Sunday if I was okay. I kept telling him I was fine. He's pretty tuned in to my emotional frequency & can tell when there's something wrong. I finally just told him Wednesday it's my hormones. He asked a question along the lines that Vickie did--do I need medicine for this?
Honestly, I don't know. I don't know what the doctor would put me on to fix it, without me gaining weight. I refuse to take any antidepressants other than wellbutrin. I know for a fact my body gains weight when I'm on anything but wellbutrin, & trust me, a 40 pound weight gain would make me depressed & hormonal 30 days a month instead of a mere 5.
I don't think I need anything resembling a bipolar disorder med. I don't go into severe highs or lows. I'm not detailing the kitchen sink when I feel good; I'm not stuck in bed immobile when I'm down. Plus, I hear those can cause weight gain too. Again, completely 100% not an option.
I have xanax for when things are unbearable. I take xanax every day when I'm hormonal. It gives me a nice mellow feeling when the kids or my husband or the cat and/or dog are driving me insane. I'm sure there is more than one mom out there who has xanax to thank for not ending up on the Evening News.
I exercise when I'm hormonal. It helps, but it is by no means a cure. I feel better during & immediately after, but the emotional malaise creeps back quickly. Exercise endorphins must have a short half-life.
I have never been an even-keel person. I've always had emotional ups & downs, even as a kid I remember being very happy some days, very sad others. My mom is an even-keel person; she wouldn't know a mood swing if it bit her in the ass. My dad, on the other hand, has a history of depression & bad moods (& good moods, where he spends money on things he can't afford, & gets depressed again--this was a common theme in my childhood). I know what even-keel looks like; I know I get my brain functionality honestly.
Perhaps I do have a touch of bipolar disorder. I don't know. And if I didn't already have (literally) tens of thousands of dollars in medical costs already for me, my husband, & my daughter, I might go to a psychologist & find out. But, for now, I'm not willing to spend the time or money. I guess you could say the pain is not great enough for me to fix it. I will, someday, perhaps work on it. It's not that I think I'm not worth it--I am. It's that I'm, well, like many people, just doing the best I can with what I have.
So, that's the long drawn out story of my hormones. I don't have an answer, other than I know the feelings are temporary, & I do the best I can to maneuver through them.
I have a sneaking suspicion I am far from alone in this hormonal disorder. & I'm wondering if it will get worse as I get older. Probably. It seems most things do.
Thank God I have this free therapy called blogging.
I have a sneaking suspicion I am far from alone in this hormonal disorder. & I'm wondering if it will get worse as I get older. Probably. It seems most things do.
Thank God I have this free therapy called blogging.
***
In specific weight-related news--Who'd have thunk it, calorie counting works. I started logging my food 2 days ago (this is day 3) & already I'm down 2.4 pounds (a lot of water weight, but still). Totally old-schooling it--paper journal & a pen & a calculator (b/c I can't add up all those numbers in my head... I was an English Lit major, you know, & I don't do numbers.)
EDIT:
After Vickie called me on the carpet with her wise, tough-love comment, I looked online & found some information about bipolar disorder that doesn't have mania associated with it. There's a lot to read, & I've bookmarked the page. But at first blush, it looks like Vickie could be right. Shit. I need to go see a psychiatrist. I just wrote this long post rationalizing how I didn't need to see one. Oh well. No more burying my head in the sand. As Cindy says, more will be revealed.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
When nothing satisfies you
I'm having a rough time. I think it's hormone related, but regardless of the cause, I'm in a frame of mind where I feel there's a hole that I just can't fill.
My daughter's leftover birthday cake & ice cream didn't fill it. A bowl of cereal in the middle of the night didn't fill it. A shopping spree (which I have so far avoided but am lusting after) won't fill it. Even my run in the soupy air yesterday afternoon didn't fill it.
It's not an unfamiliar feeling. I've been here many many times in my life. I know I just need to wait it out & try to limit the damage I do to myself.
But the question is, how do I do that?
I've been listening to Jennifer Knapp songs on my iPod lately. She's a Christian singer, & I have 2 CD's from probably 10 years ago. (I'm not current with new music, in any genre, with the exception of American Idol.)
The past couple weeks I've run a few times with no music & just meditated & prayed. When the weather is nice & I feel good, the running prayers have been remarkable. It's amazing what happens when you don't have any TV or music or books filling your brain. That's a state I don't spend much time in.
But when I'm in a don't-wanna mood or the weather is crappy or I'm on the treadmill, I need music. So I added Jennifer Knapp's CD's to my iPod, and viola! I've got great music AND I've got prayer time.
One of her songs is called "When Nothing Satisfies You." It hit me yesterday on my muggy run that this needs to be my theme song right now. A few of the lyrics:
when it rains or it shines on this pillow of mine
i will lift up my head to the sky
so i have chance to see
where my hope has come from
know there's nothing that i can't abide
send forth Your Light Lord,
and send forth Your Truth
let them guide me to Your Holy Place
then will i go to the Altar of God
to my Joy, my Delight and my Strength
why are You so downcast o my soul?
why so disturbed within me?
put your hope in God
my Savior, my King
when nothing satisfies you
hold my hand
So there's the answer, in her lyrics.
If you've ever heard of Gwen Shamblin of the Weigh Down Workshop (one of many diet plans I have tried), you are familiar with her idea that we all have God-shaped "holes," & if we don't fill them with God, then we will fill them with other things--like food, shopping, money, sex, sleep, whatever. We fill & we fill & we fill, but we are never satisfied. Because we aren't designed to be satisfied by anything but God.
As a Christian, I can fully appreciate this idea; if you aren't a follower of God in one form or another, then you probably think this is a bunch of hooey. But I'm guessing you've still experienced that "nothing satisfies me" feeling.
Unfortunately, just because you know the answer to your problem doesn't mean everything is hunky dorey.
I'm still struggling. But at least I can name what's going on with me & try to focus on filling myself with healthy stuff instead of junk--and I'm not just referring to food.
My daughter's leftover birthday cake & ice cream didn't fill it. A bowl of cereal in the middle of the night didn't fill it. A shopping spree (which I have so far avoided but am lusting after) won't fill it. Even my run in the soupy air yesterday afternoon didn't fill it.
It's not an unfamiliar feeling. I've been here many many times in my life. I know I just need to wait it out & try to limit the damage I do to myself.
But the question is, how do I do that?
I've been listening to Jennifer Knapp songs on my iPod lately. She's a Christian singer, & I have 2 CD's from probably 10 years ago. (I'm not current with new music, in any genre, with the exception of American Idol.)
The past couple weeks I've run a few times with no music & just meditated & prayed. When the weather is nice & I feel good, the running prayers have been remarkable. It's amazing what happens when you don't have any TV or music or books filling your brain. That's a state I don't spend much time in.
But when I'm in a don't-wanna mood or the weather is crappy or I'm on the treadmill, I need music. So I added Jennifer Knapp's CD's to my iPod, and viola! I've got great music AND I've got prayer time.
One of her songs is called "When Nothing Satisfies You." It hit me yesterday on my muggy run that this needs to be my theme song right now. A few of the lyrics:
when it rains or it shines on this pillow of mine
i will lift up my head to the sky
so i have chance to see
where my hope has come from
know there's nothing that i can't abide
send forth Your Light Lord,
and send forth Your Truth
let them guide me to Your Holy Place
then will i go to the Altar of God
to my Joy, my Delight and my Strength
why are You so downcast o my soul?
why so disturbed within me?
put your hope in God
my Savior, my King
when nothing satisfies you
hold my hand
So there's the answer, in her lyrics.
If you've ever heard of Gwen Shamblin of the Weigh Down Workshop (one of many diet plans I have tried), you are familiar with her idea that we all have God-shaped "holes," & if we don't fill them with God, then we will fill them with other things--like food, shopping, money, sex, sleep, whatever. We fill & we fill & we fill, but we are never satisfied. Because we aren't designed to be satisfied by anything but God.
As a Christian, I can fully appreciate this idea; if you aren't a follower of God in one form or another, then you probably think this is a bunch of hooey. But I'm guessing you've still experienced that "nothing satisfies me" feeling.
Unfortunately, just because you know the answer to your problem doesn't mean everything is hunky dorey.
I'm still struggling. But at least I can name what's going on with me & try to focus on filling myself with healthy stuff instead of junk--and I'm not just referring to food.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
License Revoked
Yep, it was a crazy week. Sophie's birthday was yesterday, & we had her party on Saturday. It was at our town's children's museum & I didn't have to do a whole lot, but there was enough extra that it kept me away from my computer at night & all weekend. Plus, I just enjoyed having some "off the grid" time with the family for several days. It was nice.
But it was also not good for the scale. I gave myself a license to eat all weekend. & man am I paying for it. A 4 pound gain (which, I know, will come off quickly b/c it's mostly water weight--I can feel it in my fingers). And I haven't run since Friday. I didn't meet my 20 mile goal last week, which bums me out but I'm over it. Today starts another day to get back on the wagon. My license to eat has been revoked.
Today is busy at work, but I hope I get a chance to pop in & check on how you all are doing.
I already feel the summer-time relaxation mojo pulling me to it. I am a mere 2 1/2 weeks from vacation in St John--yes, Helen, I can't wait!
Running planned for this afternoon, probably indoors because it's rainy & muggy. But that's OK. I had a killer run on Friday on the treadmill at the gym. I think we are friends again.
TTFN!
But it was also not good for the scale. I gave myself a license to eat all weekend. & man am I paying for it. A 4 pound gain (which, I know, will come off quickly b/c it's mostly water weight--I can feel it in my fingers). And I haven't run since Friday. I didn't meet my 20 mile goal last week, which bums me out but I'm over it. Today starts another day to get back on the wagon. My license to eat has been revoked.
Today is busy at work, but I hope I get a chance to pop in & check on how you all are doing.
I already feel the summer-time relaxation mojo pulling me to it. I am a mere 2 1/2 weeks from vacation in St John--yes, Helen, I can't wait!
Running planned for this afternoon, probably indoors because it's rainy & muggy. But that's OK. I had a killer run on Friday on the treadmill at the gym. I think we are friends again.
TTFN!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
I'm here, just busy
Hey guys, I'm around just swamped. Haven't had time to be a good blogging buddy lately. I peaked into some of your blogs yesterday but didn't take time to comment.
Good news is Sophie is well and is finishing 1st grade this week, and she brought home her first 100% "A+" on her spelling test yesterday. I think the ADHD meds are actually making a difference for her. Her reading skills are improving noticeably, too.
Everyone else is healthy, which is a blessing. I'm still battling a cough, which I had all last week, and as I look back I'm sort of amazed that I made myself run through feeling sort of crappy. It was one of those, "I'm not really sick but I have this nagging cough/congestion thing that makes my face hurt" deals. Just goes to show when I have my mind set, I can do just about anything.
Same goal for this week--20 miles. Yesterday I only got in 2.33 miles. I'm hoping it will be like the football team who goes for the two-point conversion--it will make the winning difference by the end of the game. We are having great weather this week, and I should get a solid run in this afternoon. The next couple days are going to be sunny, but getting hotter.
My weight is holding steady. Clothes are fitting well. I'm not losing, but I'm still feeling content with myself. It's nice. I got a great bathing suit top for our trip to St John & and am waiting for a pair of boardshorts to arrive to go with it. The shorts will provide much better coverage for my behind. We are going to spend half our days in our suits--I want to be comfortable. We are a mere 3 1/2 weeks away from vacation.
I'll write more meaningful blather later this week. Hope you are all enjoying your early summer days.
Good news is Sophie is well and is finishing 1st grade this week, and she brought home her first 100% "A+" on her spelling test yesterday. I think the ADHD meds are actually making a difference for her. Her reading skills are improving noticeably, too.
Everyone else is healthy, which is a blessing. I'm still battling a cough, which I had all last week, and as I look back I'm sort of amazed that I made myself run through feeling sort of crappy. It was one of those, "I'm not really sick but I have this nagging cough/congestion thing that makes my face hurt" deals. Just goes to show when I have my mind set, I can do just about anything.
Same goal for this week--20 miles. Yesterday I only got in 2.33 miles. I'm hoping it will be like the football team who goes for the two-point conversion--it will make the winning difference by the end of the game. We are having great weather this week, and I should get a solid run in this afternoon. The next couple days are going to be sunny, but getting hotter.
My weight is holding steady. Clothes are fitting well. I'm not losing, but I'm still feeling content with myself. It's nice. I got a great bathing suit top for our trip to St John & and am waiting for a pair of boardshorts to arrive to go with it. The shorts will provide much better coverage for my behind. We are going to spend half our days in our suits--I want to be comfortable. We are a mere 3 1/2 weeks away from vacation.
I'll write more meaningful blather later this week. Hope you are all enjoying your early summer days.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
4.5 mile slog
I did it. 20.02 miles this week. 5 running days in a row. I've not done that much running consecutively before. & I'm not sure I'll do it again--the 5 days without rest, that is. My goal was, as I said yesterday, to run 20 miles this week, & I'm notorious for doing no workouts on the weekends. So I figured I better get 'er done Mon-Fri.
But it was tough yesterday. It was really hot & humid, so that didn't help. But I couldn't help but wonder if I struggled so much because I was just plain tired of running.
I made myself stick with it. I had to walk a lot just to keep myself moving. I wasn't sore and nothing hurt (thank God), so that wasn't the problem. I just couldn't mentally get myself into making my legs run (there's that 90% mental thing).
It took me 61 minutes to do 4.5 miles, which is a crazy slow pace for me. I finally found a tiny groove after about 40 minutes (hello endorphins!), and the last mile & a half weren't pure torture. A big grey cloud blew in & brought sprinkles & wind toward the end of the run, & that helped too.
Regardless, I met my goal. And I weighed 152.8 this morning. And the kids spent the night at my mom's last night. And I had a fun night with DH & our Friday night group friends last night. And I'm having a peaceful morning by myself for a few hours while DH is at the gym (taking TWO classes--he's doing so well).
I'm basking in this good stuff right now. Ahhhhhh.
But it was tough yesterday. It was really hot & humid, so that didn't help. But I couldn't help but wonder if I struggled so much because I was just plain tired of running.
I made myself stick with it. I had to walk a lot just to keep myself moving. I wasn't sore and nothing hurt (thank God), so that wasn't the problem. I just couldn't mentally get myself into making my legs run (there's that 90% mental thing).
It took me 61 minutes to do 4.5 miles, which is a crazy slow pace for me. I finally found a tiny groove after about 40 minutes (hello endorphins!), and the last mile & a half weren't pure torture. A big grey cloud blew in & brought sprinkles & wind toward the end of the run, & that helped too.
Regardless, I met my goal. And I weighed 152.8 this morning. And the kids spent the night at my mom's last night. And I had a fun night with DH & our Friday night group friends last night. And I'm having a peaceful morning by myself for a few hours while DH is at the gym (taking TWO classes--he's doing so well).
I'm basking in this good stuff right now. Ahhhhhh.
Friday, May 15, 2009
20 is on the horizon
Has it really been since Tuesday that I last posted? I guess I'm already on summer time.
I've run 4 days so far this week for a total of 15.52 miles (not that I count it down to the inch or anything). So tonight I need to run 4.48 miles & I'll hit my goal of running 20 miles this week. I'll probably round up to 4.5, just for fits & giggles.
To put this 20 mile thing in perspective, I've run four 20 mile weeks since I started running back in April 2007. One of those weeks was the Evansville half marathon, so really it's been three non-race weeks that I've run 20 miles.
So a consistent 20 mile week is a big goal for me. And it's an important part of getting ready to train for next year's marathon.
And maybe, if I keep saying it often enough & telling enough people about my plans for April 2010, the marathon will actually happen.
They say running is 90% mental. I'm working on the mental part by cementing the idea of "I will run a marathon" not "I might run a marathon."
The other 10% is physical (personally, I think physical preparation is a lot more than 10% of long distance running, but I'm just using these percentages for argument's sake).
The physical part for me started back on April 2, 2007, when I logged my first "walk/run" of 2.11 miles at 191.4 pounds.
It's hard to believe what a difference two years can make.
Happy weekend, bloggers!
I've run 4 days so far this week for a total of 15.52 miles (not that I count it down to the inch or anything). So tonight I need to run 4.48 miles & I'll hit my goal of running 20 miles this week. I'll probably round up to 4.5, just for fits & giggles.
To put this 20 mile thing in perspective, I've run four 20 mile weeks since I started running back in April 2007. One of those weeks was the Evansville half marathon, so really it's been three non-race weeks that I've run 20 miles.
So a consistent 20 mile week is a big goal for me. And it's an important part of getting ready to train for next year's marathon.
And maybe, if I keep saying it often enough & telling enough people about my plans for April 2010, the marathon will actually happen.
They say running is 90% mental. I'm working on the mental part by cementing the idea of "I will run a marathon" not "I might run a marathon."
The other 10% is physical (personally, I think physical preparation is a lot more than 10% of long distance running, but I'm just using these percentages for argument's sake).
The physical part for me started back on April 2, 2007, when I logged my first "walk/run" of 2.11 miles at 191.4 pounds.
It's hard to believe what a difference two years can make.
Happy weekend, bloggers!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Content, but not giving up
Even though I declared last Friday that I'm done obsessing about my fat pockets & have decided to be happy with my body as it is, it doesn't mean I'm done trying to make it look it's best. Does that make any sense at all?
I know my body looks better in my clothes when I weigh about 5-8 pounds less than I do now. And I know my body runs better when I weight about 5-8 pounds less than I do now.
My body still has all the same "flaws" of saddle bags, belly pooch, & thunder thighs with less weight on it, and if I looked at myself naked at 155 pounds vs 145 pounds, I'd probably have a tough time telling which was which weight. It gets smaller, but the shape doesn't change.
I see my next step on this health journey as focusing on getting stronger, faster, & fitter. & fitting into the clothes I own now for the rest of my life. I don't need to wear size 6 pants. I don't need to wear size small workout shorts. I just need to feel comfy in what I have now.
And I do, but there's not much room to spare.
So the work is far from finished. I've got a marathon to run in less than 12 months. I've got a bathing suit to wear for 12 hours a day for a week, starting on June 13. And I'm content with the body God gave me, but not ready to call 155 my end all, be all weight.
I haven't weighed since last week. I'm trying to use how my clothes fit and how I feel when I run as a guide to how I'm doing. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to weigh myself, just being less obsessive about it...although, now that I think about it, I wouldn't have to weigh myself, would I? Hmm, going to have to noodle on this one. It might be an interesting experiment--although I'm not sure I'm quite ready to go there...yet.
Today, my skirt is a little snug. So I need to reign in my evening food consumption, which has gotten ridiculous the past few nights (thank you, PMS). & I'm kicking my running back into high gear too. Today I'm planning a 6 mile run. My goal is to run 20 mile weeks consistently for the next 6 months so I'll be better prepared for marathon training. I'm hoping the extra cardio will help my clothes fit better, too.
I like having non-scale goals for a change. It feels damn good.
I know my body looks better in my clothes when I weigh about 5-8 pounds less than I do now. And I know my body runs better when I weight about 5-8 pounds less than I do now.
My body still has all the same "flaws" of saddle bags, belly pooch, & thunder thighs with less weight on it, and if I looked at myself naked at 155 pounds vs 145 pounds, I'd probably have a tough time telling which was which weight. It gets smaller, but the shape doesn't change.
I see my next step on this health journey as focusing on getting stronger, faster, & fitter. & fitting into the clothes I own now for the rest of my life. I don't need to wear size 6 pants. I don't need to wear size small workout shorts. I just need to feel comfy in what I have now.
And I do, but there's not much room to spare.
So the work is far from finished. I've got a marathon to run in less than 12 months. I've got a bathing suit to wear for 12 hours a day for a week, starting on June 13. And I'm content with the body God gave me, but not ready to call 155 my end all, be all weight.
I haven't weighed since last week. I'm trying to use how my clothes fit and how I feel when I run as a guide to how I'm doing. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to weigh myself, just being less obsessive about it...although, now that I think about it, I wouldn't have to weigh myself, would I? Hmm, going to have to noodle on this one. It might be an interesting experiment--although I'm not sure I'm quite ready to go there...yet.
Today, my skirt is a little snug. So I need to reign in my evening food consumption, which has gotten ridiculous the past few nights (thank you, PMS). & I'm kicking my running back into high gear too. Today I'm planning a 6 mile run. My goal is to run 20 mile weeks consistently for the next 6 months so I'll be better prepared for marathon training. I'm hoping the extra cardio will help my clothes fit better, too.
I like having non-scale goals for a change. It feels damn good.
Friday, May 08, 2009
A lesson from Kirstie Alley
So last Thursday I had to get new tires for my car. Apparently running on next to zero tread on your tires is a dangerous thing. Thankfully I have a husband who notices these things, because I was clueless.
Anyway, I'm sitting at the Saturn dealership at 4 p.m., just in time for Oprah. I never get to watch Oprah. I was excited I was the only one waiting so I could control the T.V. remote.
Lucky for me Oprah didn't have any sob stories on last Thursday. She had Kirstie Alley on, talking about weight loss & weight gain. Stuff I actually wanted to watch.
And watch I did. I couldn't tear myself away, it was so much like watching a train wreck. Which is pretty much what Ms. Alley is.
If you saw it, you know what I'm talking about. If you didn't, well, you won't be surprised to learn that upon quitting Jennie Craig & putting her gym equipment in her garage & not exercising or weighing herself for 18 months, she gained all her weight back, and then some.
I won't go off on how obvious it is that when you stop doing what you did to lose weight you are going to gain it all back. Instead I'll share the lesson I learned from this show, even though it's probably not the lesson Oprah intended.
Oprah put up Valerie Bertenelli's recent magazine cover in a bikini, on a big screen behind the yellow couch. Ms. Alley basically said she won't feel good about herself until she looks like the newest Jenny Craig spokesperson. & she expects to get into that kind of shape in 6 months. & she won't be happy until she can wear a bikini on a magazine cover, too. She bemoaned her hips & thighs, said if only she could have pictures taken from her shoulders up & her knees down. Even when she was skinny as the JC spokesperson, she still hated her hips & thighs. She was never good enough.
And it hit me like the weight of those 4 new tires--I am exactly the same way. I still whine about my hips & thighs. I still think I'm not good enough, not in bikini shape, not as thin as the next girl, not in the right clothing size. I still have hopes that I'll look better 6 weeks or 6 months from now. I always want more, am not satisfied with what I am now.
Until I saw how sad it looks on a woman. I felt so sorry for Ms. Alley. Couldn't she see how gorgeous she looked? Couldn't she see how strong she was? Couldn't she see that what she was doing is what she needed to keep doing & she would be just fine? She didn't have to be perfect. She just had to stick with it and find happiness with where she was. Kirstie Alley will never look like Valerie Bertenelli. & she should be freaking fine with that.
So, I resolved on that half marathon weekend that I would no longer be like Kirstie Alley. I will no longer complain about my weight, my body, my looks. I am happy with where I am. My hips & my thighs are strong & carried me 13.1 miles across that finish line. My size 8 jeans look great on me. My 34D's are sexy. My tummy pooch declares that YES, I'm a mommy.
Thank you, Kirstie Alley, for opening my eyes. I will still run, I will still eat right, I will still seek out a healthy lifestyle. But I will no longer be the woman other women look at & roll their eyes with "why can't she see herself for who she really is?"
I can see clearly now. And I'm content with what I see.
Anyway, I'm sitting at the Saturn dealership at 4 p.m., just in time for Oprah. I never get to watch Oprah. I was excited I was the only one waiting so I could control the T.V. remote.
Lucky for me Oprah didn't have any sob stories on last Thursday. She had Kirstie Alley on, talking about weight loss & weight gain. Stuff I actually wanted to watch.
And watch I did. I couldn't tear myself away, it was so much like watching a train wreck. Which is pretty much what Ms. Alley is.
If you saw it, you know what I'm talking about. If you didn't, well, you won't be surprised to learn that upon quitting Jennie Craig & putting her gym equipment in her garage & not exercising or weighing herself for 18 months, she gained all her weight back, and then some.
I won't go off on how obvious it is that when you stop doing what you did to lose weight you are going to gain it all back. Instead I'll share the lesson I learned from this show, even though it's probably not the lesson Oprah intended.
Oprah put up Valerie Bertenelli's recent magazine cover in a bikini, on a big screen behind the yellow couch. Ms. Alley basically said she won't feel good about herself until she looks like the newest Jenny Craig spokesperson. & she expects to get into that kind of shape in 6 months. & she won't be happy until she can wear a bikini on a magazine cover, too. She bemoaned her hips & thighs, said if only she could have pictures taken from her shoulders up & her knees down. Even when she was skinny as the JC spokesperson, she still hated her hips & thighs. She was never good enough.
And it hit me like the weight of those 4 new tires--I am exactly the same way. I still whine about my hips & thighs. I still think I'm not good enough, not in bikini shape, not as thin as the next girl, not in the right clothing size. I still have hopes that I'll look better 6 weeks or 6 months from now. I always want more, am not satisfied with what I am now.
Until I saw how sad it looks on a woman. I felt so sorry for Ms. Alley. Couldn't she see how gorgeous she looked? Couldn't she see how strong she was? Couldn't she see that what she was doing is what she needed to keep doing & she would be just fine? She didn't have to be perfect. She just had to stick with it and find happiness with where she was. Kirstie Alley will never look like Valerie Bertenelli. & she should be freaking fine with that.
So, I resolved on that half marathon weekend that I would no longer be like Kirstie Alley. I will no longer complain about my weight, my body, my looks. I am happy with where I am. My hips & my thighs are strong & carried me 13.1 miles across that finish line. My size 8 jeans look great on me. My 34D's are sexy. My tummy pooch declares that YES, I'm a mommy.
Thank you, Kirstie Alley, for opening my eyes. I will still run, I will still eat right, I will still seek out a healthy lifestyle. But I will no longer be the woman other women look at & roll their eyes with "why can't she see herself for who she really is?"
I can see clearly now. And I'm content with what I see.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
More Half Marathon Pics
I guess it's the "let's relive the half" week around here. I got these pictures from Jen, the girl in the red shirt at dinner. She's who I ran the most fab 4 miles of my life with. The other friend in the orange shirt is Mary. 
Kate & I were giddy in finding out we both run in Asics. We were just plain giddy before the race, anyway. Good times, good times.
Kate & I were giddy in finding out we both run in Asics. We were just plain giddy before the race, anyway. Good times, good times.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Well apparently...
I'm not alone in my "let down" feelings after the race Saturday. Several of you feel the same way about big events. & I talked with Kate today, and she didn't feel any more appreciated than I did even though her family was at home when she left the hotel. In fact, she had to go home & clean her house after running 13.1 miles! I think I'd prefer my 4 hour drive to cleaning house.
So the lessons here are:
If you feel like you're alone, stop & remember to share your feelings with someone. You are so not alone.
Only runners understand runners. Seriously. If you have a family who supports you & throws parades in your honor when you finish a big race, thank your lucky stars. Because most of us may have families who adore us, but just don't get the running thing.
Blogging friends are the best friends a gal could ask for. Really, thank you all for your kind support through all of my drama. :) If I had oodles of money I'd pay for you all to fly to Chicago's BlogHer conference this summer so we could meet face to face. (I can't promise anything, but if we have the time & money & there are still rooms available, I'm hoping to go this year. Any of you in?)
(Annimal, I have been using Advair for a month. I'm guessing it's not enough, though. & yep, I hit the albuterol 30ish minutes before the race & at 4 miles & 8 miles. I meet with my doctor on Friday so hopefully he can help me with a new plan of medication. Thanks for all your advice & info!)
Here are a couple pictures from race day, before with Kate, after with my finishers medal. (There were oodles of running skirts this year. Skirts are it, baby.)
So the lessons here are:
If you feel like you're alone, stop & remember to share your feelings with someone. You are so not alone.
Only runners understand runners. Seriously. If you have a family who supports you & throws parades in your honor when you finish a big race, thank your lucky stars. Because most of us may have families who adore us, but just don't get the running thing.
Blogging friends are the best friends a gal could ask for. Really, thank you all for your kind support through all of my drama. :) If I had oodles of money I'd pay for you all to fly to Chicago's BlogHer conference this summer so we could meet face to face. (I can't promise anything, but if we have the time & money & there are still rooms available, I'm hoping to go this year. Any of you in?)
(Annimal, I have been using Advair for a month. I'm guessing it's not enough, though. & yep, I hit the albuterol 30ish minutes before the race & at 4 miles & 8 miles. I meet with my doctor on Friday so hopefully he can help me with a new plan of medication. Thanks for all your advice & info!)
Here are a couple pictures from race day, before with Kate, after with my finishers medal. (There were oodles of running skirts this year. Skirts are it, baby.)
Monday, May 04, 2009
Indy Half Marathon 2009
The best way I can describe my experience with this Half Marathon is through a movie scene.
In When Harry Met Sally, after Harry & Sally finally sleep together, Harry leaves after an uncomfortable early morning with Sally, & they both call Jess & Marie to confess that "they did it." Marie & Jess ask "how was it?" Harry & Sally say "the during part was good, but then I guess it wasn't."
That was my run on Saturday.
Everything leading up to the race was great. I had a nice drive up, listening to a book on tape. The weather was cooperative--no rain to drive through. The traffic was non eventful. I got to the hotel in downtown Indianapolis with no problems.
My niece in law Kate & her two friends met me around 5:00 p.m. EST, & we did the Expo to pick up our packets and race loot. Then we were off to a window booth seat at Buca di Beppo. Dinner was delicious. We were plenty carbed up & ready for bed at 10 p.m.
I slept fitfully, but that's pretty typical for me before a race. I was up at 5:30 a.m. (4:30 my time), but didn't feel overly tired. We all got ready & headed down to the corrals just past 7 a.m.
The weather was perfect. Could not have been more perfect. It had rained the night before, but by morning the clouds were nothing more than sunblock. It was in the upper 40s/low 50s to start the race. The sun didn't come out until my last mile, so it never got hot. And there was no wind. Perfect running weather.
I ran the first 4 miles with Kate's friend Jen, who's pace is evenly matched to mine (even though she finished 13 minutes before I did). They were probably the best 4 miles I've ever run. Relaxed, cheerful, determined, & with a comrade.
At mile 4 I needed a Gu & an inhaler hit. Jen was feeling strong so she kept going. I sprinted to catch up to her after I finished my walk break, & I did catch her but at the expense of 3-4 minutes of 8/8:30 miles, which just about killed me. I had to walk again after that, & then I just resigned myself that I wasn't going to get to run with her any longer since she was pretty far ahead of me. I put on my iPod & put my head down & ran a steady pace.
The Indy 500 race track is where it started to get tough. By the time you are done with the track it's between mile 8 and 9. I was starting to have trouble breathing, & had to do a Gu also, so I walked after the track for a few minutes. The inhaler & Gu helped get some energy back, & I did well through mile 10.
It's not a coincidence that things started to get really rough at mile 10. 10 miles was my longest training run for this race. Any time you run a distance past your training mileage (in my experience anyway), the extra distance is extra tough. I did run a better 10 miles during this race than my training run--the race results show me at 1:52:46, and my training run was around 2 hours & 10 minutes.
It took me almost 38 minutes to run the last 3.1 miles. My official race time was 2:30:02.
I sprinted at the finish line, & when I did the asthma gripped my lungs tightly & said "no way, uh uh, you aren't getting away with that one." I immediately started wheezing & struggling to breathe, & for the first time actually felt pain in my lungs when I tried to breathe (thank goodness the inhaler brought quick relief). This, mingled with the achyness in my legs & feet and the overwhelming sense a person gets after running a long distance, brought me to tears.
It's a long walk from the finish line through all the post-race stations: medals, water, cookies, fruits, chips, pictures. And I had time to pull myself together before I met the other three girls. I called Mark to let him know I'd finished (he wasn't home, though, so I left a message) and called my mom to make sure the kids were okay (they were, but she was up to her eyeballs in kids so she didn't really have time to talk).
After hanging out & comparing our dissatisfaction with our finishing times (seriously? are runners ever happy with how they finish a race?), we all headed back to the Westin to shower & go home to our respective families. I was the last to shower since I was driving home & didn't have anyone to meet me right away.
And this, dear friends, who have stuck with me through this indulgent whine fest, is where I lose it.
I didn't have anyone to meet me right away.
While I was waiting for my turn to shower, Mark called me back; he'd been at the gym working out that morning. I'm sure he congratulated me enthusiastically, but honestly, I was so tired & my brain wasn't fully functioning yet, I barely remember our conversation.
What I do remember is how Kate had 4 congratulatory phone conversations with her family members while in the hotel room. And how Jen's family saw her cross the finish line and were in the hotel afterwards taking pictures of her. And Mary's husband and kids were driving the car around to the front of the hotel to pick her up. They were all off to Derby parties that afternoon.
I was off to the mall to have a solitary lunch & a 4 hour drive home. By myself.
And here's the rub.
I told Jill how excited I was to be able to do something BY MYSELF. Running affords me the pleasure of ME TIME, it's true. I love being able to get away from it all & do something just for me. Getting out of town & not having anyone slow me down was a big deal (my husband is notorious for not leaving on time). I loved the girls' night we had on Friday before the race.
But I learned a huge lesson with this race. After you do something you've spent months planning for & training for & thinking about & dreaming about, you want the people you love with you to celebrate your accomplishments. You want to be hugged, congratulated, made to glow with their approval & awe. And you want this to happen soon after the accomplishment. Not hours & hours later after a painful drive home of 5 hours instead of 4 hours because you had to stop so many times just to keep yourself awake & from cramping up too badly.
By the time I was home & my mom brought the kids home, my run was old news. It was on to the kids' needs, the hubs' needs, the house's needs. Life, it seems, moves on even when you run 13.1 miles in 2 and a half hours.
Sunday I posted my results on Facebook & got an immediate hit of WE LOVE YOU & ARE PROUD OF YOU. Several times, actually. I love the love from Facebook. I didn't have it in me to post this yesterday--I was exhausted & didn't even get a shower on Sunday--but I know you guys will show me the love, too.
I know all this. I know I'm lucky beyond measure & I need to get over myself. And I have.
The during part was awesome. But then it wasn't.
When Harry Met Sally has a happy ending, of course, & I've got a happy ending too. I feel good about finishing my third half. Yes, it was my slowest half of the three, but I'm (almost) over it. I know the why's of the pace. I can work to improve. That's what runners do, after all.
And more than anything, I'm thankful I learned this lesson now, instead of next year when I try to run a full marathon. I may have to drag all of you with me to Nashville next April and we can have a big party afterwards so I don't have to check into the mental ward from marathon let down.
Yep, Nashville. Country Music Marathon. April 2010. A runner's gotta have a goal. Nashville's mine.
In When Harry Met Sally, after Harry & Sally finally sleep together, Harry leaves after an uncomfortable early morning with Sally, & they both call Jess & Marie to confess that "they did it." Marie & Jess ask "how was it?" Harry & Sally say "the during part was good, but then I guess it wasn't."
That was my run on Saturday.
Everything leading up to the race was great. I had a nice drive up, listening to a book on tape. The weather was cooperative--no rain to drive through. The traffic was non eventful. I got to the hotel in downtown Indianapolis with no problems.
My niece in law Kate & her two friends met me around 5:00 p.m. EST, & we did the Expo to pick up our packets and race loot. Then we were off to a window booth seat at Buca di Beppo. Dinner was delicious. We were plenty carbed up & ready for bed at 10 p.m.
I slept fitfully, but that's pretty typical for me before a race. I was up at 5:30 a.m. (4:30 my time), but didn't feel overly tired. We all got ready & headed down to the corrals just past 7 a.m.
The weather was perfect. Could not have been more perfect. It had rained the night before, but by morning the clouds were nothing more than sunblock. It was in the upper 40s/low 50s to start the race. The sun didn't come out until my last mile, so it never got hot. And there was no wind. Perfect running weather.
I ran the first 4 miles with Kate's friend Jen, who's pace is evenly matched to mine (even though she finished 13 minutes before I did). They were probably the best 4 miles I've ever run. Relaxed, cheerful, determined, & with a comrade.
At mile 4 I needed a Gu & an inhaler hit. Jen was feeling strong so she kept going. I sprinted to catch up to her after I finished my walk break, & I did catch her but at the expense of 3-4 minutes of 8/8:30 miles, which just about killed me. I had to walk again after that, & then I just resigned myself that I wasn't going to get to run with her any longer since she was pretty far ahead of me. I put on my iPod & put my head down & ran a steady pace.
The Indy 500 race track is where it started to get tough. By the time you are done with the track it's between mile 8 and 9. I was starting to have trouble breathing, & had to do a Gu also, so I walked after the track for a few minutes. The inhaler & Gu helped get some energy back, & I did well through mile 10.
It's not a coincidence that things started to get really rough at mile 10. 10 miles was my longest training run for this race. Any time you run a distance past your training mileage (in my experience anyway), the extra distance is extra tough. I did run a better 10 miles during this race than my training run--the race results show me at 1:52:46, and my training run was around 2 hours & 10 minutes.
It took me almost 38 minutes to run the last 3.1 miles. My official race time was 2:30:02.
I sprinted at the finish line, & when I did the asthma gripped my lungs tightly & said "no way, uh uh, you aren't getting away with that one." I immediately started wheezing & struggling to breathe, & for the first time actually felt pain in my lungs when I tried to breathe (thank goodness the inhaler brought quick relief). This, mingled with the achyness in my legs & feet and the overwhelming sense a person gets after running a long distance, brought me to tears.
It's a long walk from the finish line through all the post-race stations: medals, water, cookies, fruits, chips, pictures. And I had time to pull myself together before I met the other three girls. I called Mark to let him know I'd finished (he wasn't home, though, so I left a message) and called my mom to make sure the kids were okay (they were, but she was up to her eyeballs in kids so she didn't really have time to talk).
After hanging out & comparing our dissatisfaction with our finishing times (seriously? are runners ever happy with how they finish a race?), we all headed back to the Westin to shower & go home to our respective families. I was the last to shower since I was driving home & didn't have anyone to meet me right away.
And this, dear friends, who have stuck with me through this indulgent whine fest, is where I lose it.
I didn't have anyone to meet me right away.
While I was waiting for my turn to shower, Mark called me back; he'd been at the gym working out that morning. I'm sure he congratulated me enthusiastically, but honestly, I was so tired & my brain wasn't fully functioning yet, I barely remember our conversation.
What I do remember is how Kate had 4 congratulatory phone conversations with her family members while in the hotel room. And how Jen's family saw her cross the finish line and were in the hotel afterwards taking pictures of her. And Mary's husband and kids were driving the car around to the front of the hotel to pick her up. They were all off to Derby parties that afternoon.
I was off to the mall to have a solitary lunch & a 4 hour drive home. By myself.
And here's the rub.
I told Jill how excited I was to be able to do something BY MYSELF. Running affords me the pleasure of ME TIME, it's true. I love being able to get away from it all & do something just for me. Getting out of town & not having anyone slow me down was a big deal (my husband is notorious for not leaving on time). I loved the girls' night we had on Friday before the race.
But I learned a huge lesson with this race. After you do something you've spent months planning for & training for & thinking about & dreaming about, you want the people you love with you to celebrate your accomplishments. You want to be hugged, congratulated, made to glow with their approval & awe. And you want this to happen soon after the accomplishment. Not hours & hours later after a painful drive home of 5 hours instead of 4 hours because you had to stop so many times just to keep yourself awake & from cramping up too badly.
By the time I was home & my mom brought the kids home, my run was old news. It was on to the kids' needs, the hubs' needs, the house's needs. Life, it seems, moves on even when you run 13.1 miles in 2 and a half hours.
Sunday I posted my results on Facebook & got an immediate hit of WE LOVE YOU & ARE PROUD OF YOU. Several times, actually. I love the love from Facebook. I didn't have it in me to post this yesterday--I was exhausted & didn't even get a shower on Sunday--but I know you guys will show me the love, too.
I know all this. I know I'm lucky beyond measure & I need to get over myself. And I have.
The during part was awesome. But then it wasn't.
When Harry Met Sally has a happy ending, of course, & I've got a happy ending too. I feel good about finishing my third half. Yes, it was my slowest half of the three, but I'm (almost) over it. I know the why's of the pace. I can work to improve. That's what runners do, after all.
And more than anything, I'm thankful I learned this lesson now, instead of next year when I try to run a full marathon. I may have to drag all of you with me to Nashville next April and we can have a big party afterwards so I don't have to check into the mental ward from marathon let down.
Yep, Nashville. Country Music Marathon. April 2010. A runner's gotta have a goal. Nashville's mine.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Pre- Half Marathon Ramble
Even though I still feel pretty unprepared for this Saturday's half, I'm looking forward to it. I'm praying the rain holds off during the race, but if it doesn't & I run in the cold & wet, at least I'll have a heck of a race report, eh? Trying to look on the bright side here. Truly, I don't know why I worry about things I can't control. The weather will do what it's going to do. I just need to plan well, show up on time with a smile on my face, & run the best I can. Everything else is out of my hands.
I'm leaving Friday morning, & it should take about 4 hours to get to Indy. Then I'll check in at a super nice hotel right near the starting line, pick up my race packet, go to dinner at an Italian restaurant (the one with the "bath mat sized" pizza), chat a lot with 3 other women who are sharing the hotel room with me (my niece-in-law Kate & her 2 friends), & try to go to sleep at 10 p.m. EST (which is 9 p.m. my time--ain't no way I'll fall asleep that early, but I'll try).
Saturday we have to be in our corrals by 7 a.m. The race starts at 7:33 a.m. I should cross the starting line after maybe 5-10 minutes of walking since I'm in corral G. My guess is I'll finish in 2 hours 30 minutes. If it rains, all bets are off. I've never run in pouring rain so I have no idea how that will go. Anything faster than 2:30:00 will be gravy. No big goals for this Half, because (a) I'm about 7 pounds heavier than my Evansville half (which, believe it or not, slows me down quite a bit), (b) I haven't trained properly (have I mentioned this lately? haha), and (c) there are over 30,000 people who run this thing--it's not a race to plan on having a PR.
Mom's taking the kids tomorrow & will have them through Saturday until I get home. I'll be driving home a few hours after the race, which will be interesting. Driving 4 hours with legs that have just run 13.1 miles isn't going to be easy. Last year Mark drove home from Indy while I sat in the backseat with a very dizzy Sophie. This year, at least I won't have to worry about getting a sick little girl home.
Speaking of Sophie, we are going on 7 weeks with no dizzy spells. God is good! She was having them every 3 weeks. So this is just amazing. I keep expecting these weather systems to trigger a spell, but they haven't. Yet. Regardless, at least I feel more at peace with them since they don't seem like such a mystery any more.
Mark is still working out, still eating better (not perfect, but much much better). He had a stress test this morning as the first step toward seeing what state his heart is in. He had blood taken yesterday to test his cholesterol. He still has to have a CT scan with contrast to see how much build up is in his arteries. He has a final art project for his sculpture class that he'll work on while the kids & I are away, & his finals are next week. He'll have almost 2 months off from school this summer. We're all ready for a break from his 3 nights a week classes!
Luke is hanging in there with his allergies. I think we actually are turning a corner with him. He slept well last night without benadryl & even though he's still snotty, it's not as bad.
My weight is still at a respectable 152.6. I didn't get to 149 like I wanted to before this race, but I did lose 5 pounds in the past month or so, which is helping how my clothes fit & is making running a bit easier.
After Saturday, all my attention will be on getting ready for St John on June 12th. Then after that, the Evansville Half in October. And after that, a marathon in April 2010 (location still TBD!). I like having goals & plans related to fitness. It helps keep me focused on keeping my weight off. September will mark 2 years of reaching my 55 pound weight loss. God willing, my plans will go as I want.
I'll be around today & tomorrow morning, & then won't be back on until Saturday night or Sunday afternoon. I appreciate your well wishes & all the "No Rain" vibes you can send my way between 7 a.m. and 10 a.m. EST on Saturday, May 2. Any NASCAR fans out there? I get to run on the Indy 500 track. Again. Maybe I'll stop to kiss the bricks this year. Sweet!
I'm leaving Friday morning, & it should take about 4 hours to get to Indy. Then I'll check in at a super nice hotel right near the starting line, pick up my race packet, go to dinner at an Italian restaurant (the one with the "bath mat sized" pizza), chat a lot with 3 other women who are sharing the hotel room with me (my niece-in-law Kate & her 2 friends), & try to go to sleep at 10 p.m. EST (which is 9 p.m. my time--ain't no way I'll fall asleep that early, but I'll try).
Saturday we have to be in our corrals by 7 a.m. The race starts at 7:33 a.m. I should cross the starting line after maybe 5-10 minutes of walking since I'm in corral G. My guess is I'll finish in 2 hours 30 minutes. If it rains, all bets are off. I've never run in pouring rain so I have no idea how that will go. Anything faster than 2:30:00 will be gravy. No big goals for this Half, because (a) I'm about 7 pounds heavier than my Evansville half (which, believe it or not, slows me down quite a bit), (b) I haven't trained properly (have I mentioned this lately? haha), and (c) there are over 30,000 people who run this thing--it's not a race to plan on having a PR.
Mom's taking the kids tomorrow & will have them through Saturday until I get home. I'll be driving home a few hours after the race, which will be interesting. Driving 4 hours with legs that have just run 13.1 miles isn't going to be easy. Last year Mark drove home from Indy while I sat in the backseat with a very dizzy Sophie. This year, at least I won't have to worry about getting a sick little girl home.
Speaking of Sophie, we are going on 7 weeks with no dizzy spells. God is good! She was having them every 3 weeks. So this is just amazing. I keep expecting these weather systems to trigger a spell, but they haven't. Yet. Regardless, at least I feel more at peace with them since they don't seem like such a mystery any more.
Mark is still working out, still eating better (not perfect, but much much better). He had a stress test this morning as the first step toward seeing what state his heart is in. He had blood taken yesterday to test his cholesterol. He still has to have a CT scan with contrast to see how much build up is in his arteries. He has a final art project for his sculpture class that he'll work on while the kids & I are away, & his finals are next week. He'll have almost 2 months off from school this summer. We're all ready for a break from his 3 nights a week classes!
Luke is hanging in there with his allergies. I think we actually are turning a corner with him. He slept well last night without benadryl & even though he's still snotty, it's not as bad.
My weight is still at a respectable 152.6. I didn't get to 149 like I wanted to before this race, but I did lose 5 pounds in the past month or so, which is helping how my clothes fit & is making running a bit easier.
After Saturday, all my attention will be on getting ready for St John on June 12th. Then after that, the Evansville Half in October. And after that, a marathon in April 2010 (location still TBD!). I like having goals & plans related to fitness. It helps keep me focused on keeping my weight off. September will mark 2 years of reaching my 55 pound weight loss. God willing, my plans will go as I want.
I'll be around today & tomorrow morning, & then won't be back on until Saturday night or Sunday afternoon. I appreciate your well wishes & all the "No Rain" vibes you can send my way between 7 a.m. and 10 a.m. EST on Saturday, May 2. Any NASCAR fans out there? I get to run on the Indy 500 track. Again. Maybe I'll stop to kiss the bricks this year. Sweet!
Monday, April 27, 2009
3.5 miles & a couple of recipes
So I haven't run since last Wednesday! Until tonight, that is. It was too long a break from running, but my schedule & my laziness got in the way and I didn't get back out until now. It is what it is. Moving on.
I ran 3.5 miles in 40 minutes in very very warm temps. It was almost 90 today. Thank goodness it was very breezy & I was running in the park where it was partially shady. I only had 40 minutes before I had to get the kids, but I swear I felt like I could have kept going & going. Just when it felt great, I had to stop. Ah, the curse of the short run. Ironic, ain't it?
I've got a couple recipes to share from Roni's website (still my all time favorite for go-to delicious recipes. She never fails me!).
The lentil burgers I made tonight for lunch tomorrow. My variations: I used zucchini instead of eggplant (still put some kosher salt on, as directed for the eggplant). The lentils soaked up my veggie broth in 25 minutes (I also covered the pan), so I added the zuch & turned off the heat after that; the lentils were plenty soft enough. I didn't add onion, but everything else I followed to a T (I used jarred garlic, though, didn't have any fresh stuff in the house). The flavors from the spices are amazing. I could have eaten the lentils & zuch straight! I grilled 5, 1/3 cup burgers tonight & have a little less than half of the leftover mix for another batch. A couple of the burgers didn't stick together very well, but I think it was because I was impatient & didn't let them cool in the fridge long enough. You do have to be careful to let the mix cool enough so when you add the egg, it doesn't cook. So watch that.
The other recipe I have made about 6 times now. I can't believe I'm just now telling you about it. Banana oatmeal bars. Holy cow. I've changed this one quite a bit, not necessarily for the healthier, but for the tastier, to be sure. I use skim milk, add 1/2 c. sugar (I think 1/3 - 1/4 c. would probably do it, though, & I'm going to try that next batch), 1 tsp kosher salt (learned from Alton Brown that salt makes baked goods bake better!), and increased the mini chocolate chips to 1/2 c. (again, I could use 1/3 - 1/4 c. & it would probably be good, but I love me some chocolate). Be sure to add the sugar & salt with the wet ingredients, before the oats. The foaminess of the baking powder might surprise you--just keep mixing until it's incorporated the best you can get it. Sometimes if my bananas are big & the mix is soupy, I'll add 1/2 c. more oats. I do let the oats soak about 10 minutes while the oven preheats before adding the choc. chips. I also put mine in an 8x8 glass pan (sprayed with nonstick spray) & bake for 30-35 minutes (check the middle--if it's really squishy, its not done; it needs to slightly springy to the touch--don't overbake, though, or they'll be tough--been there, done that!). Cut them into bars & freeze in freezer bags, & you've got oatmeal to go. They warm up very well out of the freezer in the microwave. My husband loves these. I haven't even shared them with the kids yet, because DH & I usually eat them all up before the kids get a whack at them. I'll try them out on Luke tomorrow. Sophie's not a banana fan.
Another banana trick--you can freeze overripe bananas & use them for this recipe. I always peel mine before I freeze them, but I hear you don't have to. Just nuke in the microwave a few seconds & peel. But, you gotta peel them eventually so I just get it done the first time. When Mark eats half a banana for breakfast & leaves the rest on the counter, that half goes in the freezer for oatmeal bars. Win-win!
Go forth & cook, oh comrades!
***
Good news on Sophie--she's still not been dizzy. Praise God!
Bad news on Luke--he had an allergic reaction to his new allergy med, Singulair. So we are back to doing zyrtec, zaditor eye drops, & benadryl (at night). I know he's going to probably end up with an allergist if he's not better soon. Honestly, though, I just need ONE member of this family to not have a chronic medical condition. At least I want to hold him off as long as possible, anyway. I'm giving him another week & will call the doctor if he's not vastly improved.
5 days & counting until the Half on Saturday. Praying life continues to be normal until then. And loving every minute of it.
I ran 3.5 miles in 40 minutes in very very warm temps. It was almost 90 today. Thank goodness it was very breezy & I was running in the park where it was partially shady. I only had 40 minutes before I had to get the kids, but I swear I felt like I could have kept going & going. Just when it felt great, I had to stop. Ah, the curse of the short run. Ironic, ain't it?
I've got a couple recipes to share from Roni's website (still my all time favorite for go-to delicious recipes. She never fails me!).
The lentil burgers I made tonight for lunch tomorrow. My variations: I used zucchini instead of eggplant (still put some kosher salt on, as directed for the eggplant). The lentils soaked up my veggie broth in 25 minutes (I also covered the pan), so I added the zuch & turned off the heat after that; the lentils were plenty soft enough. I didn't add onion, but everything else I followed to a T (I used jarred garlic, though, didn't have any fresh stuff in the house). The flavors from the spices are amazing. I could have eaten the lentils & zuch straight! I grilled 5, 1/3 cup burgers tonight & have a little less than half of the leftover mix for another batch. A couple of the burgers didn't stick together very well, but I think it was because I was impatient & didn't let them cool in the fridge long enough. You do have to be careful to let the mix cool enough so when you add the egg, it doesn't cook. So watch that.
The other recipe I have made about 6 times now. I can't believe I'm just now telling you about it. Banana oatmeal bars. Holy cow. I've changed this one quite a bit, not necessarily for the healthier, but for the tastier, to be sure. I use skim milk, add 1/2 c. sugar (I think 1/3 - 1/4 c. would probably do it, though, & I'm going to try that next batch), 1 tsp kosher salt (learned from Alton Brown that salt makes baked goods bake better!), and increased the mini chocolate chips to 1/2 c. (again, I could use 1/3 - 1/4 c. & it would probably be good, but I love me some chocolate). Be sure to add the sugar & salt with the wet ingredients, before the oats. The foaminess of the baking powder might surprise you--just keep mixing until it's incorporated the best you can get it. Sometimes if my bananas are big & the mix is soupy, I'll add 1/2 c. more oats. I do let the oats soak about 10 minutes while the oven preheats before adding the choc. chips. I also put mine in an 8x8 glass pan (sprayed with nonstick spray) & bake for 30-35 minutes (check the middle--if it's really squishy, its not done; it needs to slightly springy to the touch--don't overbake, though, or they'll be tough--been there, done that!). Cut them into bars & freeze in freezer bags, & you've got oatmeal to go. They warm up very well out of the freezer in the microwave. My husband loves these. I haven't even shared them with the kids yet, because DH & I usually eat them all up before the kids get a whack at them. I'll try them out on Luke tomorrow. Sophie's not a banana fan.
Another banana trick--you can freeze overripe bananas & use them for this recipe. I always peel mine before I freeze them, but I hear you don't have to. Just nuke in the microwave a few seconds & peel. But, you gotta peel them eventually so I just get it done the first time. When Mark eats half a banana for breakfast & leaves the rest on the counter, that half goes in the freezer for oatmeal bars. Win-win!
Go forth & cook, oh comrades!
***
Good news on Sophie--she's still not been dizzy. Praise God!
Bad news on Luke--he had an allergic reaction to his new allergy med, Singulair. So we are back to doing zyrtec, zaditor eye drops, & benadryl (at night). I know he's going to probably end up with an allergist if he's not better soon. Honestly, though, I just need ONE member of this family to not have a chronic medical condition. At least I want to hold him off as long as possible, anyway. I'm giving him another week & will call the doctor if he's not vastly improved.
5 days & counting until the Half on Saturday. Praying life continues to be normal until then. And loving every minute of it.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Counting down
One good thing about a 10 mile run-- it makes the short runs a piece of cake.
I finally felt back to 100% yesterday. & boy has spring arrived. It was gorgeous, & it is again today. I had just enough time to run 3 miles before I had to pick up kids for Sophie's swim class.
The run was over so quickly, it was startling. 33 minutes isn't much of a run anymore.
A few years ago I would never have dreamed of uttering those words.
8 days & counting to the half marathon on May 2. My confirmation booklet arrived in the mail yesterday. I'm not nervous at all--yet. I'm sure that will kick in the night before. At least I know what to expect since this is my 2nd running of Indy.
This year, I'm in a decent corral (because I was seeded with my Evansville Half finishing time of 2:15:42) instead of 30 minutes from the starting line like last year. Corral G, here I come!
In case you didn't already know this, the Indianapolis Half Marathon is the largest in the U.S. 35,000 people register. Last year, I think there were just under 31,000 that started the race. I was in corral U last year & it took 30 minutes of walking before I even got to begin the race. The bright side of this was that I got to pee right before I started the race, which is a big deal for me. Seriously, my bladder must be abnormally small. :)
I have to say, I am so thankful that Sophie is feeling well. She's a different kid when she's not sick, and I'm in a completely different place--mentally & physically--when my daughter is healthy.
It's been well over a month since her last spell. May has been a bad month the past two years for her dizziness, & it would not surprise me if she wakes up dizzy one morning very soon. As it is, I'm thankful & praise God every morning she gets up & ready for school without complaint. I don't know what the difference is--is it the migraine medicine? or the air purifier I put in her room a couple weeks ago? (we all have them now, & also the family room.) or the ADHD medicine? Those are the only changes we've made that could be significant. Whatever it is, I'm thankful. & relieved.
Now if life just won't throw me any curve balls, I can hopefully maintain the Puke Diet weight loss. I've been 152.0 the past two days. I'll take it.
I finally felt back to 100% yesterday. & boy has spring arrived. It was gorgeous, & it is again today. I had just enough time to run 3 miles before I had to pick up kids for Sophie's swim class.
The run was over so quickly, it was startling. 33 minutes isn't much of a run anymore.
A few years ago I would never have dreamed of uttering those words.
8 days & counting to the half marathon on May 2. My confirmation booklet arrived in the mail yesterday. I'm not nervous at all--yet. I'm sure that will kick in the night before. At least I know what to expect since this is my 2nd running of Indy.
This year, I'm in a decent corral (because I was seeded with my Evansville Half finishing time of 2:15:42) instead of 30 minutes from the starting line like last year. Corral G, here I come!
In case you didn't already know this, the Indianapolis Half Marathon is the largest in the U.S. 35,000 people register. Last year, I think there were just under 31,000 that started the race. I was in corral U last year & it took 30 minutes of walking before I even got to begin the race. The bright side of this was that I got to pee right before I started the race, which is a big deal for me. Seriously, my bladder must be abnormally small. :)
I have to say, I am so thankful that Sophie is feeling well. She's a different kid when she's not sick, and I'm in a completely different place--mentally & physically--when my daughter is healthy.
It's been well over a month since her last spell. May has been a bad month the past two years for her dizziness, & it would not surprise me if she wakes up dizzy one morning very soon. As it is, I'm thankful & praise God every morning she gets up & ready for school without complaint. I don't know what the difference is--is it the migraine medicine? or the air purifier I put in her room a couple weeks ago? (we all have them now, & also the family room.) or the ADHD medicine? Those are the only changes we've made that could be significant. Whatever it is, I'm thankful. & relieved.
Now if life just won't throw me any curve balls, I can hopefully maintain the Puke Diet weight loss. I've been 152.0 the past two days. I'll take it.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
No workout for YOU!
(channelling the "Soup Nazi" from Seinfeld for my title today)
I got the stomach bug yesterday, & spent the afternoon & evening hugging the porcelain thrown.
Being sick sucks.
Both the kids had this--Luke threw up on Easter Sunday morning, & Sophie was sick last week on Thursday (in the middle of the night). This virus seems to have a 4 day incubation period & lasts about 24 hours.
I had planned on running yesterday. I had planned on lifting weights today. Guess what I get to do instead?
Nothing but feel sick & sorry for myself.
I must say, in a twisted way I enjoyed seeing a 4 pound loss on the scale this morning. Yes, yes, it was all water weight. But it was hard earned--puking your guts out is tough work! Hahaha.
I'm still feeling quesy & the thought of most food makes me sick (bonus! more weight loss). Seriously, I can't wait to feel better. I'm so thankful this is happening now & not next week. The half marathon is a mere 11 days away.
Maybe I can manage to maintain the Stomach Flu Diet weight loss until then.
I got the stomach bug yesterday, & spent the afternoon & evening hugging the porcelain thrown.
Being sick sucks.
Both the kids had this--Luke threw up on Easter Sunday morning, & Sophie was sick last week on Thursday (in the middle of the night). This virus seems to have a 4 day incubation period & lasts about 24 hours.
I had planned on running yesterday. I had planned on lifting weights today. Guess what I get to do instead?
Nothing but feel sick & sorry for myself.
I must say, in a twisted way I enjoyed seeing a 4 pound loss on the scale this morning. Yes, yes, it was all water weight. But it was hard earned--puking your guts out is tough work! Hahaha.
I'm still feeling quesy & the thought of most food makes me sick (bonus! more weight loss). Seriously, I can't wait to feel better. I'm so thankful this is happening now & not next week. The half marathon is a mere 11 days away.
Maybe I can manage to maintain the Stomach Flu Diet weight loss until then.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Best laid plans: adjust as needed
Well, I was up on Saturday morning at 5:30 a.m. But I was awake with an allergy-stricken 3 year old & not to go running.
Poor Luke's allergies were off the charts this weekend & he was awake in the middle of the night (& I was too, of course) 3 different times with itchy, swollen, matted shut eyes & a stuffy/runny nose.
There was no way I was able to wake up & run at 6 a.m. I did run, though it wasn't until 10:30.
I got in my 10 miler, but it was rough. I tried a new route, toward a neighboring town. I thought it would be neat to run to the river, which was about 3 miles away. Turns out it was shadeless, boring, & hot. I started to struggle at mile 4. I walked a lot after mile 6. I finished 10 miles in 2 hours & 10 minutes. Not my best long run, by a long shot.
Part of the problem really is that I just haven't been able to train adequately. I'll have one good week, then I'll have a week when I run once. It's been like that since February, back & forth, good week/bad week/good week/bad week. I haven't noticed the lack of consistency on my 5 miles runs, or even the 8 mile run I did a couple weeks ago.
But 10 miles is a distance that deserves a hefty amount of respect. And I was sure taught that lesson on Saturday.
I also learned that I need to begin to find a way to work up to a consistent weekly cumulative distance of 20 miles if I want to run the marathon next April. Base training is going to be very important. And it needs to start ASAP.
On the family front--Sophie is still feeling well, & hasn't had any adverse reactions to her meds. Mark's appointment with the cardiologist last Wednesday was OK--basically he needs to eat right, exercise, take his statin meds & an aspirin every day, & the rest is up to God. We are going to have some tests run to see what kind of build up he has, but the doctor said a 30% blocked artery can cause a heart attack just as frequently (or more so) as an 80% blocked artery. Luke is better, thanks to the OTC eye drops the doctor told me about.
I'm praying for an uneventful, productive week. Is that too much for a girl to ask?
Poor Luke's allergies were off the charts this weekend & he was awake in the middle of the night (& I was too, of course) 3 different times with itchy, swollen, matted shut eyes & a stuffy/runny nose.
There was no way I was able to wake up & run at 6 a.m. I did run, though it wasn't until 10:30.
I got in my 10 miler, but it was rough. I tried a new route, toward a neighboring town. I thought it would be neat to run to the river, which was about 3 miles away. Turns out it was shadeless, boring, & hot. I started to struggle at mile 4. I walked a lot after mile 6. I finished 10 miles in 2 hours & 10 minutes. Not my best long run, by a long shot.
Part of the problem really is that I just haven't been able to train adequately. I'll have one good week, then I'll have a week when I run once. It's been like that since February, back & forth, good week/bad week/good week/bad week. I haven't noticed the lack of consistency on my 5 miles runs, or even the 8 mile run I did a couple weeks ago.
But 10 miles is a distance that deserves a hefty amount of respect. And I was sure taught that lesson on Saturday.
I also learned that I need to begin to find a way to work up to a consistent weekly cumulative distance of 20 miles if I want to run the marathon next April. Base training is going to be very important. And it needs to start ASAP.
On the family front--Sophie is still feeling well, & hasn't had any adverse reactions to her meds. Mark's appointment with the cardiologist last Wednesday was OK--basically he needs to eat right, exercise, take his statin meds & an aspirin every day, & the rest is up to God. We are going to have some tests run to see what kind of build up he has, but the doctor said a 30% blocked artery can cause a heart attack just as frequently (or more so) as an 80% blocked artery. Luke is better, thanks to the OTC eye drops the doctor told me about.
I'm praying for an uneventful, productive week. Is that too much for a girl to ask?
Friday, April 17, 2009
If I make a promise....
... to you guys that I'll run 10 miles tomorrow morning at 6:30, I wonder if I can keep it?
I need a good long run this weekend (the Half is only 2 weeks away!), & tomorrow morning is my only window of opportunity. Before the kids are up, before the husband's up, before the rain comes.
But I hate mornings. With a passion. And a 6:30 run means I have to wake up at 6 A.M. so I can dress, eat, & drink. Ugh. That is way too early.
But. I need to run. And as much as I hate early mornings, I love running more.
I just hope I remember that tomorrow when the alarm goes off.
I need a good long run this weekend (the Half is only 2 weeks away!), & tomorrow morning is my only window of opportunity. Before the kids are up, before the husband's up, before the rain comes.
But I hate mornings. With a passion. And a 6:30 run means I have to wake up at 6 A.M. so I can dress, eat, & drink. Ugh. That is way too early.
But. I need to run. And as much as I hate early mornings, I love running more.
I just hope I remember that tomorrow when the alarm goes off.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I have a dream
Many thanks for the birthday wishes! I had a great day. We did get our passports--barely, but we made it & they are done. My mom picked up the kids & I ran 5 miles. When I got home, mom had baked a pizza & had a small cake for me. The kiddos gave me some homemade gifts & a candle they bought at Walmart with my mom. Mom stayed & helped me get the kids' baths, so it was an easy night. I am very thankful.
Now that I'm 364 days from my 40th birthday, the Marathon Planning has begun.
But let me take a step back first, & share something with you that sets the whole marathon thing in perspective.
Frances has a new blog on Psychology Today (go Frances!!) & she wrote a significant article for her first post. It really, truly blew me away. In fact, I think the premise is unbelievably important for those of us pursuing weight loss & fitness goals.
So, in that vein, I am plunging headlong into my dream of running a 26.2 mile race. I am under no illusion that this is going to be easy. And I have no doubt that over the coming weeks & months I'll be questioning my sanity & doubting my abilities.
But I have a dream now, & it's not merely motivation to maintain my weight loss. I need to get fitter & would like to lose (a bit more) weight if I want to run a marathon with any semblance of success. (And let's just be clear here...... success = finishing.)
You'll all come along for the ride, right?
Today I looked for races in April. So far it looks like I could do Nashville, St Louis, or Louisville, which are all within an easy driving distance & all in April. There's a race that would be a dream race, though, and it's on my list, but it's far far away--the Big Sur marathon in Carmel, California. The descriptions of that race blew me away. But it would cost a lot of time & money to run that one, so we'll see. I've got a while before I have to register. (BTW, all these races are hilly, every single one of them. So I'm stuck with hills, regardless of what I choose.)
My marathon training begins today. Mental training is as important, right now, as hitting the pavement. As Frances says, "what have I done today to move me closer to my dream?" That's going to be my mantra for the next 364 days.
I've got one year. It's a big dream, but big dreams are the ones that keep you moving forward.
Now that I'm 364 days from my 40th birthday, the Marathon Planning has begun.
But let me take a step back first, & share something with you that sets the whole marathon thing in perspective.
Frances has a new blog on Psychology Today (go Frances!!) & she wrote a significant article for her first post. It really, truly blew me away. In fact, I think the premise is unbelievably important for those of us pursuing weight loss & fitness goals.
So, in that vein, I am plunging headlong into my dream of running a 26.2 mile race. I am under no illusion that this is going to be easy. And I have no doubt that over the coming weeks & months I'll be questioning my sanity & doubting my abilities.
But I have a dream now, & it's not merely motivation to maintain my weight loss. I need to get fitter & would like to lose (a bit more) weight if I want to run a marathon with any semblance of success. (And let's just be clear here...... success = finishing.)
You'll all come along for the ride, right?
Today I looked for races in April. So far it looks like I could do Nashville, St Louis, or Louisville, which are all within an easy driving distance & all in April. There's a race that would be a dream race, though, and it's on my list, but it's far far away--the Big Sur marathon in Carmel, California. The descriptions of that race blew me away. But it would cost a lot of time & money to run that one, so we'll see. I've got a while before I have to register. (BTW, all these races are hilly, every single one of them. So I'm stuck with hills, regardless of what I choose.)
My marathon training begins today. Mental training is as important, right now, as hitting the pavement. As Frances says, "what have I done today to move me closer to my dream?" That's going to be my mantra for the next 364 days.
I've got one year. It's a big dream, but big dreams are the ones that keep you moving forward.
Monday, April 13, 2009
39 & holdin'
(cue the Geek from Sixteen Candles....)
"Na na na NA na, you say it's your birthday! Na na na na NA na, it's my birthday too, yeah!"
Yes, yes, today I turned 39. And it also happens to be my 500th blog post. Coincidence? Who knows, but it's interesting nonetheless.
The day has been non eventful thus far--just the way I like it! Everyone is where they are supposed to be.
My coworker (hi Sara!) brought me a chocolate croissant from Panera, and it was a lovely way to start my day at work. I had a chocolate croissant for the first time while in Paris during a college trip when I was 23. I've been in love ever since.
Mark & I are heading to the downtown post office in a few minutes to get our passports for St John, which is my birthday present. Getting that man to do anything away from the office is nearly impossible. It took me begging him to give that to me for my birthday present for us to get our passports. Whatever it takes, is good enough for me. I just don't want to worry about running out of time (we leave in 9 weeks!).
My mom is picking up the kids after school so I can take as long as I want to go running. I might even take a yoga class at 5:30. I'll wait to see what I'm in the mood for.
I've got one more year to work toward running a full marathon. That's what I want to do when I turn 40. It very well may take a year to achieve that goal. But hey, what's life without goals?
And hey, it will be good blogging material.
"Na na na NA na, you say it's your birthday! Na na na na NA na, it's my birthday too, yeah!"
Yes, yes, today I turned 39. And it also happens to be my 500th blog post. Coincidence? Who knows, but it's interesting nonetheless.
The day has been non eventful thus far--just the way I like it! Everyone is where they are supposed to be.
My coworker (hi Sara!) brought me a chocolate croissant from Panera, and it was a lovely way to start my day at work. I had a chocolate croissant for the first time while in Paris during a college trip when I was 23. I've been in love ever since.
Mark & I are heading to the downtown post office in a few minutes to get our passports for St John, which is my birthday present. Getting that man to do anything away from the office is nearly impossible. It took me begging him to give that to me for my birthday present for us to get our passports. Whatever it takes, is good enough for me. I just don't want to worry about running out of time (we leave in 9 weeks!).
My mom is picking up the kids after school so I can take as long as I want to go running. I might even take a yoga class at 5:30. I'll wait to see what I'm in the mood for.
I've got one more year to work toward running a full marathon. That's what I want to do when I turn 40. It very well may take a year to achieve that goal. But hey, what's life without goals?
And hey, it will be good blogging material.
Friday, April 10, 2009
I got nuthin'
It's one of those days when I've just got nothing to say. Not chatty for some bizarre reason. So I'm doing a quickie just so y'all know I'm alive.
Ran 5 miles Tuesday. It felt great. I got my avg pace down to just over 11 minutes/mile, even though it was really windy.
Thursday I did a Body Pump class at the Y. I'm pretty sore today, so I know I worked it good.
I am planning on running today, hopefully, but it's raining (again) so it will be on the treadmill & will be a short one.
This weekend I've gotta run 9 miles. I have no idea when this run is going to happen, though, since it's such a busy weekend. Maybe first thing Saturday morning, I'll have enough gumption to get up & move.
Food has been pretty bad. Just as an example: I had Ben & Jerry's on Wednesday night, when I had to go out at 10:30 p.m. to get Mark some zicam at Walgreens, and I was totally resentful of how the whole thing went down. That was the day I woke up at 3 a.m. for our St Louis trip, so needless to say being sent out for medicine for my big baby of a husband--okay, okay, so he was really sick & got an antibiotic the next day, but at the time I was mad!--made me quite unhappy & I chose to deal with it poorly. So, yeah, I fled to my old friends B&J. With friends like them, who needs enemies?
I need to get my head back on straight to get the poundage going in the right direction. That means no bunnies this weekend! (any Veggie Tales fans out there?.... "the bunny, the bunny, oh I ate the bunny")
Geez, for someone without anything to say, I sure had a lot to say.
Happy Easter!
Ran 5 miles Tuesday. It felt great. I got my avg pace down to just over 11 minutes/mile, even though it was really windy.
Thursday I did a Body Pump class at the Y. I'm pretty sore today, so I know I worked it good.
I am planning on running today, hopefully, but it's raining (again) so it will be on the treadmill & will be a short one.
This weekend I've gotta run 9 miles. I have no idea when this run is going to happen, though, since it's such a busy weekend. Maybe first thing Saturday morning, I'll have enough gumption to get up & move.
Food has been pretty bad. Just as an example: I had Ben & Jerry's on Wednesday night, when I had to go out at 10:30 p.m. to get Mark some zicam at Walgreens, and I was totally resentful of how the whole thing went down. That was the day I woke up at 3 a.m. for our St Louis trip, so needless to say being sent out for medicine for my big baby of a husband--okay, okay, so he was really sick & got an antibiotic the next day, but at the time I was mad!--made me quite unhappy & I chose to deal with it poorly. So, yeah, I fled to my old friends B&J. With friends like them, who needs enemies?
I need to get my head back on straight to get the poundage going in the right direction. That means no bunnies this weekend! (any Veggie Tales fans out there?.... "the bunny, the bunny, oh I ate the bunny")
Geez, for someone without anything to say, I sure had a lot to say.
Happy Easter!
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Diagnosis
Real quick--the doctor at the Children's Hospital diagnosed Sophie's dizzy spells as migraine precursors, and will treat her with a preventative (which she has never taken before) & also prescribed an abortive medication for the next episode (we'll see if that works--another type of med has not helped in the past). The doctor also wants to do a new MRI, because Sophie's balance is abnormal. She can't walk heel-toe, heel-toe at all; she completely loses balances. She's always been like this, ever since she saw the first neurologist when she was 3 (I don't know if she had the problem before that, because you don't usually ask a toddler to do the heel-toe test!). But the doctor thinks the balance issue, along with the dizzy spells, are reason enough to redo the MRI since it's been 4 years since her last one.
I'll write more soon.
I'll write more soon.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Where'd spring (& my good mood) go?
Not to be a big whiny baby, but WTH? It's snowing. In Southern Indiana. In April.
This bites.
Not only did a big ole low pressure system come through & screw with my upbeat attitude, but I'm also in my mid-cycle hormone feel-like-sh!t zone. Yeah, I'm one fun gal to be around today.
So let's reminisce a moment to the weekend (queue flashback video & sound effects....).
Friday night was fun. Both the kids were healthy & spent the night with my mom. We saw Adventureland, which was super good & perfect for a date night. Saturday morning I slept until 8 a.m. It was a gorgeous day, one of the best of the year. I lazed around for a couple of hours & finally at 11:30 headed out for my 8 mile run.
It was by far NOT the best run ever. Actually, it was pretty hard. I didn't take water with me, & instead just circled back to the house after 4 miles and then after 7 miles, and I think not having water every mile was part of the problem. My garmin running watch said "battery low" after 3 miles, and I felt like it was a metaphor for how I felt. Garmy & I both made the entire 8 miles, but just barely. I did have moments of beauty on the run, where I felt great, but mostly I was just glad to have it over with. They can't all be winners.
I soaked in the tub for almost an hour afterwards (AH!). Then the usual Saturday chores commenced. Got the kids back around 5 p.m. It was nice to have a break but I missed the munchkins.
Sunday was beautiful again, at least during the morning. We were able to have our church Easter egg hunt & Palm Sunday church dinner. The kids had a blast. It was hard on Mark, though, missing his brother during a holiday. Keith would often come up while their mom was still alive & have Palm Sunday church dinner with us. Keith loved family events. So Mark was a bit melancholy.
The afternoon it rained & got cold. I could feel the low pressure system pushing me down as the day wore on, and I didn't do much of anything. Sunday afternoon always goes by too quickly.
This morning it was so weird putting on winter clothes & getting our coats back out. I packed work out clothes & am prepared for a cold outside run or a warm indoor run. If it's not snowing or raining, I'll run outside this afternoon. I'll hit the Y if it's wet out.
Sophie has her appointment in St Louis this Wednesday for her dizzy spells. We (she & I) are leaving at 4 a.m. That's going to be one special trick to get me up at 3 a.m.! Thank goodness for automatic coffee makers.
I may not be around much more until Thursday. Hopefully by then we'll have warmer weather again. And my upbeat mojo will have returned, too.
This bites.
Not only did a big ole low pressure system come through & screw with my upbeat attitude, but I'm also in my mid-cycle hormone feel-like-sh!t zone. Yeah, I'm one fun gal to be around today.
So let's reminisce a moment to the weekend (queue flashback video & sound effects....).
Friday night was fun. Both the kids were healthy & spent the night with my mom. We saw Adventureland, which was super good & perfect for a date night. Saturday morning I slept until 8 a.m. It was a gorgeous day, one of the best of the year. I lazed around for a couple of hours & finally at 11:30 headed out for my 8 mile run.
It was by far NOT the best run ever. Actually, it was pretty hard. I didn't take water with me, & instead just circled back to the house after 4 miles and then after 7 miles, and I think not having water every mile was part of the problem. My garmin running watch said "battery low" after 3 miles, and I felt like it was a metaphor for how I felt. Garmy & I both made the entire 8 miles, but just barely. I did have moments of beauty on the run, where I felt great, but mostly I was just glad to have it over with. They can't all be winners.
I soaked in the tub for almost an hour afterwards (AH!). Then the usual Saturday chores commenced. Got the kids back around 5 p.m. It was nice to have a break but I missed the munchkins.
Sunday was beautiful again, at least during the morning. We were able to have our church Easter egg hunt & Palm Sunday church dinner. The kids had a blast. It was hard on Mark, though, missing his brother during a holiday. Keith would often come up while their mom was still alive & have Palm Sunday church dinner with us. Keith loved family events. So Mark was a bit melancholy.
The afternoon it rained & got cold. I could feel the low pressure system pushing me down as the day wore on, and I didn't do much of anything. Sunday afternoon always goes by too quickly.
This morning it was so weird putting on winter clothes & getting our coats back out. I packed work out clothes & am prepared for a cold outside run or a warm indoor run. If it's not snowing or raining, I'll run outside this afternoon. I'll hit the Y if it's wet out.
Sophie has her appointment in St Louis this Wednesday for her dizzy spells. We (she & I) are leaving at 4 a.m. That's going to be one special trick to get me up at 3 a.m.! Thank goodness for automatic coffee makers.
I may not be around much more until Thursday. Hopefully by then we'll have warmer weather again. And my upbeat mojo will have returned, too.
Friday, April 03, 2009
Blame it on the rain
So yesterday I kept checking weather.com to see when the rain was supposed to arrive. I wanted to get in a run before it hit, & thought that I'd be safe since the chance of rain was low until after 6 p.m.
No such luck. It started to thunder & pour down rain, complete with tornado warnings, at 4:00 p.m.
I left the office right after that to run a few errands before picking up the kids. I had changed into my running clothes already, & was planning on taking them to the Y and just run on the treadmill. But by the time I had my errands done & had picked them both up--which took longer than usual because it was really bad out & everyone was driving slowly & safely--it was almost 6 p.m. Getting home at 7 p.m. on a school night is just not an option with a 1st grader who has homework almost every night.
So I didn't run. I was disappointed, but figured it would just be my rest night.
But, wait! There's more!
I kept my running clothes on while getting the kids dinner, and when I finally got around to checking the mail I discovered my new running shoes had arrived (I'd found a pair of the same shoes I already have online, on sale, & snatched them up because my old pair is worn out). New shoes always make me feel good, especially new running shoes. I put them on & was surprised, as always, at how much more support a new pair of shoes has. I suddenly had an urge to break them in, and break them in NOW!
DH was home last night, & it stopped raining just before sundown. I wore my new kicks around while helping Sophie with her hour's worth of homework, and by 7:45 p.m. got the all clear to hit the road.
It was only 3 miles, but it was one of the best runs I've had in a long time.
The new medicine for my asthma (advair) seems to be helping. I was able to run the entire time, only stopping once after mile one to take off my long sleeved outer layer. But I didn't take any other walk breaks. I felt strong, like I could have run for miles and miles.
It started to lightly sprinkle as I finished up at around 8:20, so I figured 3 miles would be enough for the night. Plus, I promised DH I'd only be out for a half hour. I averaged just over 11 minute miles, which is slow but OK.
The rain ended up being a blessing. I love night time runs, and a night run after the rain has washed the air clean is pure gold.
On tap for tomorrow--8 miles. Stay tuned!
No such luck. It started to thunder & pour down rain, complete with tornado warnings, at 4:00 p.m.
I left the office right after that to run a few errands before picking up the kids. I had changed into my running clothes already, & was planning on taking them to the Y and just run on the treadmill. But by the time I had my errands done & had picked them both up--which took longer than usual because it was really bad out & everyone was driving slowly & safely--it was almost 6 p.m. Getting home at 7 p.m. on a school night is just not an option with a 1st grader who has homework almost every night.
So I didn't run. I was disappointed, but figured it would just be my rest night.
But, wait! There's more!
I kept my running clothes on while getting the kids dinner, and when I finally got around to checking the mail I discovered my new running shoes had arrived (I'd found a pair of the same shoes I already have online, on sale, & snatched them up because my old pair is worn out). New shoes always make me feel good, especially new running shoes. I put them on & was surprised, as always, at how much more support a new pair of shoes has. I suddenly had an urge to break them in, and break them in NOW!
DH was home last night, & it stopped raining just before sundown. I wore my new kicks around while helping Sophie with her hour's worth of homework, and by 7:45 p.m. got the all clear to hit the road.
It was only 3 miles, but it was one of the best runs I've had in a long time.
The new medicine for my asthma (advair) seems to be helping. I was able to run the entire time, only stopping once after mile one to take off my long sleeved outer layer. But I didn't take any other walk breaks. I felt strong, like I could have run for miles and miles.
It started to lightly sprinkle as I finished up at around 8:20, so I figured 3 miles would be enough for the night. Plus, I promised DH I'd only be out for a half hour. I averaged just over 11 minute miles, which is slow but OK.
The rain ended up being a blessing. I love night time runs, and a night run after the rain has washed the air clean is pure gold.
On tap for tomorrow--8 miles. Stay tuned!
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Fool's Day Facts
Ever have one of those days where you'd love to write something witty & inspiring, but you got nothin'? That's me today. So just the facts, ma'am, is what you'll find here on April Fool's Day.
*I ran my least favorite distance Monday afternoon--less than 3 miles. I only had 30 minutes & squeezed out a measly 2.75 miles. I hate running that short a distance. Basically you get all the pain with none of the endorphin pleasure.
*I took a Body Pump class at the Y yesterday afternoon. It rocked! I have missed weights classes so very much. I've got puny muscles, though, & have a long way to go to get back to where I was last year. The good thing is that I know within 3-4 weeks I'll be feeling strong & already noticing a difference. & hopefully by the time we go on vacation in mid June I'll have the definition I'm longing for. Two times a week is the goal for this class.
*This afternoon I'm planning a run, hopefully 5 miles. The weather is gorgeous. A spot of sunshine between a sandwich of stormy days.
*Food has not been according to the Crack diet, unfortunately. I just couldn't muster the strength. Monday night I was so hungry, I just gave it up. It's not realistic to think I can do this low carb plan--even though it's only low carb on part of the days--just a few weeks out from my half marathon. So I'm not going to have a plan. I'm going to eat the best I can, workout like a fiend, & keep reminding myself of my goals.
*Which are: weigh 149 by the Half on 5/2 & weigh less than 145 by vacation on 6/13.
*And additionally: Finish the Indy half in 2:15:00, which requires a lower body weight. And wear my boy-shorts bathing suit from last year in St. John, which also requires a lower body weight, lower body fat content, & higher muscle definition.
*Sophie's ADHD medicine seems to be helping. We did her 20 spelling words last night & she only missed one. That's a huge improvement.
*Mark sees a cardiologist for his initial consult on April 15th. Our GP doc agreed that he needs the real deal heart screening--the invasive one that reveals artery blockage, not a simple stress test. Mark's still working out daily & is eating like a heart patient. No fat, no junk. He's already lost 5 pounds!
*Luke is very much a 3 year old, in every sense of what a 3 year old can be. And he gives the absolute best hugs ever.
*Random TV Chatter:
I finally saw the movie of Sex & the City last weekend. I disliked the first half and thought it was manipulative & overacted, but I loved the 2nd half after Jennifer Hudson joined the show. She was wonderful. I thought it was impossible for Sarah Jessica to be any thinner, but seriously thought she was leaner than she'd ever been (she & Cynthia Nixon, who looked amazing). And I still adore Big, & love how the movie ended with the love letters.
I've got one more episode of season 2 of The Tudors to watch on DVD. Very much looking forward to season 3. I want to read about the actual history now that I've seen the "Dallas"-style version of Henry VIII's life. I love this series--it's beyond decadent. Henry is the bad guy you love to hate, just like J.R.
Still haven't watched TBL or Idol this week. Hopefully tonight I'll get them both in after the kids are in bed, while Mark's at class.
*That's all for now, kids. Hope you are all enjoying spring, even if yours is covered in snow.
*I ran my least favorite distance Monday afternoon--less than 3 miles. I only had 30 minutes & squeezed out a measly 2.75 miles. I hate running that short a distance. Basically you get all the pain with none of the endorphin pleasure.
*I took a Body Pump class at the Y yesterday afternoon. It rocked! I have missed weights classes so very much. I've got puny muscles, though, & have a long way to go to get back to where I was last year. The good thing is that I know within 3-4 weeks I'll be feeling strong & already noticing a difference. & hopefully by the time we go on vacation in mid June I'll have the definition I'm longing for. Two times a week is the goal for this class.
*This afternoon I'm planning a run, hopefully 5 miles. The weather is gorgeous. A spot of sunshine between a sandwich of stormy days.
*Food has not been according to the Crack diet, unfortunately. I just couldn't muster the strength. Monday night I was so hungry, I just gave it up. It's not realistic to think I can do this low carb plan--even though it's only low carb on part of the days--just a few weeks out from my half marathon. So I'm not going to have a plan. I'm going to eat the best I can, workout like a fiend, & keep reminding myself of my goals.
*Which are: weigh 149 by the Half on 5/2 & weigh less than 145 by vacation on 6/13.
*And additionally: Finish the Indy half in 2:15:00, which requires a lower body weight. And wear my boy-shorts bathing suit from last year in St. John, which also requires a lower body weight, lower body fat content, & higher muscle definition.
*Sophie's ADHD medicine seems to be helping. We did her 20 spelling words last night & she only missed one. That's a huge improvement.
*Mark sees a cardiologist for his initial consult on April 15th. Our GP doc agreed that he needs the real deal heart screening--the invasive one that reveals artery blockage, not a simple stress test. Mark's still working out daily & is eating like a heart patient. No fat, no junk. He's already lost 5 pounds!
*Luke is very much a 3 year old, in every sense of what a 3 year old can be. And he gives the absolute best hugs ever.
*Random TV Chatter:
I finally saw the movie of Sex & the City last weekend. I disliked the first half and thought it was manipulative & overacted, but I loved the 2nd half after Jennifer Hudson joined the show. She was wonderful. I thought it was impossible for Sarah Jessica to be any thinner, but seriously thought she was leaner than she'd ever been (she & Cynthia Nixon, who looked amazing). And I still adore Big, & love how the movie ended with the love letters.
I've got one more episode of season 2 of The Tudors to watch on DVD. Very much looking forward to season 3. I want to read about the actual history now that I've seen the "Dallas"-style version of Henry VIII's life. I love this series--it's beyond decadent. Henry is the bad guy you love to hate, just like J.R.
Still haven't watched TBL or Idol this week. Hopefully tonight I'll get them both in after the kids are in bed, while Mark's at class.
*That's all for now, kids. Hope you are all enjoying spring, even if yours is covered in snow.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Whassup on a Monday
First, thank you all for your condolences & advice & thoughts & prayers. It means so much to have the love & support of my blog friends. So, thanks!
Okay, now for the run down of what's going on around here.
We joined the YMCA Friday, as promised, & we both worked out for almost 50 minutes. I ran 4 miles & DH did the elliptical the whole time. I'm having more difficulty breathing again, so my miles were hard & not consistently fast by any means. It was the first time I've been on a treadmill in ages, and it was a nice change. I like being able to control my speed. I sprinted the last .3 miles just to get the run over with, and plus I love running sub-9 min/mile, even if it's only for a couple minutes. It makes me feel like a rockstar.
Mark worked out Saturday & Sunday (which is twice more than I worked out), and is taking complete responsibility for eating well. He is serious about cutting out salt & fat & red meat. He made homemade salsa last night with no salt or sugar; he added it with mushed up pinto beans & wild rice to heart-healthy LF wheat wraps, and said he didn't miss the fat/cheese/salt at all. That's progress. I just pray he keeps at it! Truly, it's a day at a time (although, a planned day at a time--you can't eat healthfully without planning ahead).
He is going to the doctor today at 3 p.m. & asking to be referred to a cardiologist (and thank you Annimal for your being so adamant about us doing that--I'm not sure I'd have felt so strongly about him being treated like a cardiac patient without your encouragement!). My doctor's appointment is at 3:15 (same doctor--follow up for blood pressure meds & antidepressants, & I'm going to get my asthma treatment updated).
I can really tell the wellbutrin is working again and/or my SAD is gone, because yesterday afternoon the kids both were cranky & not feeling great & whiny as could be, and I didn't lose it once. I never got impatient, never raised my voice, never hid in the bathroom with a bar of chocolate. These are big victories, to be sure.
My food's not been great, but I'm not eating to soothe myself. The weather here was crap all weekend & I used it as an excuse not to run at all. I know I could have gone to the Y, but if I ran it was going to be 8 miles or nothing. Do you know how hard it is to run 8 miles on a treadmill? It sucks, so I just never did it. But, whatever. Today's a new day. Planning on running after the doctor. And tomorrow I'm taking a Body Pump class at the Y. Cannot wait to lift weights again!!!
I'm trying to start the Crack diet again. So far I'm on track today, but I need to shop & cook for the rest of the week and I'm not sure if I'll have time to do that tonight. We'll see. I very much want to weigh 149 when I run the Indy half on May 2. I'm probably about 7-8 pounds away, so it's doable. But it's going to take work.
Ah, well. Anything worthwhile requires serious effort.
Okay, now for the run down of what's going on around here.
We joined the YMCA Friday, as promised, & we both worked out for almost 50 minutes. I ran 4 miles & DH did the elliptical the whole time. I'm having more difficulty breathing again, so my miles were hard & not consistently fast by any means. It was the first time I've been on a treadmill in ages, and it was a nice change. I like being able to control my speed. I sprinted the last .3 miles just to get the run over with, and plus I love running sub-9 min/mile, even if it's only for a couple minutes. It makes me feel like a rockstar.
Mark worked out Saturday & Sunday (which is twice more than I worked out), and is taking complete responsibility for eating well. He is serious about cutting out salt & fat & red meat. He made homemade salsa last night with no salt or sugar; he added it with mushed up pinto beans & wild rice to heart-healthy LF wheat wraps, and said he didn't miss the fat/cheese/salt at all. That's progress. I just pray he keeps at it! Truly, it's a day at a time (although, a planned day at a time--you can't eat healthfully without planning ahead).
He is going to the doctor today at 3 p.m. & asking to be referred to a cardiologist (and thank you Annimal for your being so adamant about us doing that--I'm not sure I'd have felt so strongly about him being treated like a cardiac patient without your encouragement!). My doctor's appointment is at 3:15 (same doctor--follow up for blood pressure meds & antidepressants, & I'm going to get my asthma treatment updated).
I can really tell the wellbutrin is working again and/or my SAD is gone, because yesterday afternoon the kids both were cranky & not feeling great & whiny as could be, and I didn't lose it once. I never got impatient, never raised my voice, never hid in the bathroom with a bar of chocolate. These are big victories, to be sure.
My food's not been great, but I'm not eating to soothe myself. The weather here was crap all weekend & I used it as an excuse not to run at all. I know I could have gone to the Y, but if I ran it was going to be 8 miles or nothing. Do you know how hard it is to run 8 miles on a treadmill? It sucks, so I just never did it. But, whatever. Today's a new day. Planning on running after the doctor. And tomorrow I'm taking a Body Pump class at the Y. Cannot wait to lift weights again!!!
I'm trying to start the Crack diet again. So far I'm on track today, but I need to shop & cook for the rest of the week and I'm not sure if I'll have time to do that tonight. We'll see. I very much want to weigh 149 when I run the Indy half on May 2. I'm probably about 7-8 pounds away, so it's doable. But it's going to take work.
Ah, well. Anything worthwhile requires serious effort.
Friday, March 27, 2009
The state of things
So I got on the scale this morning for the first time in over a week. Considering all that's been going on, it wasn't a disaster. 156.6 is about what I expected.
I ran yesterday for the first time since my 7 mile run last Saturday. 3.5 miles in 40 minutes, and most of the run sucked. I got a side stitch after a half mile that didn't go away for 2 miles. So I ran/walked until it subsided. And I'm still fighting my asthma while running and not being able to breathe easily is quite a hindrance on a run. I see my doctor on Monday & will hopefully get my inhaler situation figured out.
It's been 3 weeks since I was having panic attacks & went off wellbutrin, then went on lexapro. It's been 2 weeks since I went off the lexapro & went back on a lower dose of wellbutrin. Thank God, I feel like my brain is finally back to where it needs to be. I handled the funeral well; I was able to function & take care of my children basically by myself for 3 days without losing my mind. I'm able to do basic household chores without it feeling like I'm moving a mountain.
I'm in a total quandary about my food. Since Keith's death, food has been a big topic of conversation with members of the family. Meat of almost any kind is apparently the devil when it comes to your heart. This is only about me--not about Mark--but I do really well when I'm eating more protein in the form of meat, and eating more veggies, and eating fewer whole grain foods. But the heart healthy diet is apparently fruit, veggies, whole grains, zero fat, almost no meat, and I'm not sure what else. I haven't done my own research yet so I don't have enough information in my decision making process. I just feel like I need to get my entire household on a heart healthy diet, and despite my years & years of weight loss dieting, I don't know what the heck a heart healthy diet should consist of.
In other news, we are going to join the YMCA. Mark has got to start exercising regularly & we've talked about getting a used elliptical and treadmill, but I can't find any good cheap used ones, & I'm not spending $2,000 on two pieces of equipment that will likely end up being clothes racks. The family membership fee is $65 a month, which is a lot less than we were paying before for our Fancy Club membership. There are two locations we can use for the one monthly fee. And we can get Sophie back in swim lessons (she swam at the hotel while we were at the funeral, and after 6 months of no swimming, her strokes still looked great & she just loves swimming so much. The child needs something in her life she feels good about). Child care is free, too, so I won't have to pay extra for the kids while I work out.
I'm planning a run today, either 4 or 5 miles depending on how I feel. Then tomorrow I will run 8 miles. The Indy half is 5 weeks away & is sneaking up on me.
Every minute of peace & normalcy in my life is a gift. They are what I crave. Even though they are mostly out of my control, I'm going to do everything in my power to keep them around for a while.
I ran yesterday for the first time since my 7 mile run last Saturday. 3.5 miles in 40 minutes, and most of the run sucked. I got a side stitch after a half mile that didn't go away for 2 miles. So I ran/walked until it subsided. And I'm still fighting my asthma while running and not being able to breathe easily is quite a hindrance on a run. I see my doctor on Monday & will hopefully get my inhaler situation figured out.
It's been 3 weeks since I was having panic attacks & went off wellbutrin, then went on lexapro. It's been 2 weeks since I went off the lexapro & went back on a lower dose of wellbutrin. Thank God, I feel like my brain is finally back to where it needs to be. I handled the funeral well; I was able to function & take care of my children basically by myself for 3 days without losing my mind. I'm able to do basic household chores without it feeling like I'm moving a mountain.
I'm in a total quandary about my food. Since Keith's death, food has been a big topic of conversation with members of the family. Meat of almost any kind is apparently the devil when it comes to your heart. This is only about me--not about Mark--but I do really well when I'm eating more protein in the form of meat, and eating more veggies, and eating fewer whole grain foods. But the heart healthy diet is apparently fruit, veggies, whole grains, zero fat, almost no meat, and I'm not sure what else. I haven't done my own research yet so I don't have enough information in my decision making process. I just feel like I need to get my entire household on a heart healthy diet, and despite my years & years of weight loss dieting, I don't know what the heck a heart healthy diet should consist of.
In other news, we are going to join the YMCA. Mark has got to start exercising regularly & we've talked about getting a used elliptical and treadmill, but I can't find any good cheap used ones, & I'm not spending $2,000 on two pieces of equipment that will likely end up being clothes racks. The family membership fee is $65 a month, which is a lot less than we were paying before for our Fancy Club membership. There are two locations we can use for the one monthly fee. And we can get Sophie back in swim lessons (she swam at the hotel while we were at the funeral, and after 6 months of no swimming, her strokes still looked great & she just loves swimming so much. The child needs something in her life she feels good about). Child care is free, too, so I won't have to pay extra for the kids while I work out.
I'm planning a run today, either 4 or 5 miles depending on how I feel. Then tomorrow I will run 8 miles. The Indy half is 5 weeks away & is sneaking up on me.
Every minute of peace & normalcy in my life is a gift. They are what I crave. Even though they are mostly out of my control, I'm going to do everything in my power to keep them around for a while.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I'm here
We just got back home today. I haven't been on my computer, listened to the news, or generally been otherwise engaged with the world since last Friday. It's been all about family, kids, & mourning Keith.
Which is the way it should be.
I'll post more either Thursday or Friday.
Thank you all so very much for your thoughts & prayers. You each mean so much to me.
Which is the way it should be.
I'll post more either Thursday or Friday.
Thank you all so very much for your thoughts & prayers. You each mean so much to me.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Nothing gold can stay
This time of year, as the trees bloom and the daffodils unfold, reminds me of the famous Robert Frost poem.
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
Yesterday as I got a call from Sophie's school around 1 p.m., telling me she had a headache & was feeling dizzy, I thought of the poem again. My golden days of normal had evaporated again. My girl was back in her dark place. I picked her up, gave her some medicine, and thankfully she felt better but didn't go back to school. I didn't run, either, and generally had a really crappy night.
Then, this morning, everything has changed again.
Mark's brother died suddenly this morning of a heart attack. Keith had had two previous heart attacks in the past 3 years, so he was on medication & watching his diet & excercising. But the damage was already done & the genetic deck remained stacked against him; their dad died at age 51 of a massive heart attack, and heart disease runs through almost every family in the N. family tree.
Keith had the heart attack at work (he works--worked--night shifts) like the other two, but this time he didn't make it. He was 57. He died almost 3 years to the day from when Mark's mom died, which was on March 21, 2006.
Obviously this is going to be a very difficult weekend, & the funeral is likely going to be Monday or Tuesday. I have to be honest, though. My tears are not just for Keith & his family. I'm crying for myself, out of pure fear.
I cannot begin to express how concerned I am about my own husband's health. He's 46, is struggling with a weight gain over the past year, and hasn't exercised in months. His stress level is insane & he rarely sleeps well. Clearly, he's a walking time bomb.
It's terrifying.
He knows & I know what he needs to do to change his health. Will his brother's death make a difference? I honestly don't know.
I do know that I have always believed in my husband. I have two mottos for him that I've used to support him through the years.
The first is "Perseverance prevails when all else fails."
And, "You make the impossible, possible."
I pray that these apply to his health. I pray that despite everything that's fighting against him, God will find a way to make Mark the exception to the rule. I pray that God protects his heart while we can get his lifestyle fixed. I pray for healing of the damage in his heart that's already done. I pray that Mark doesn't let the seemingly inevitable destroy him. I pray he is lifted above this impossible situation & made whole.
Most of all, I just pray that he's not taken from me and my children until he's old, grey, crotchety, and senile. Then it will be okay. Anytime before that is simply unthinkable.
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
Yesterday as I got a call from Sophie's school around 1 p.m., telling me she had a headache & was feeling dizzy, I thought of the poem again. My golden days of normal had evaporated again. My girl was back in her dark place. I picked her up, gave her some medicine, and thankfully she felt better but didn't go back to school. I didn't run, either, and generally had a really crappy night.
Then, this morning, everything has changed again.
Mark's brother died suddenly this morning of a heart attack. Keith had had two previous heart attacks in the past 3 years, so he was on medication & watching his diet & excercising. But the damage was already done & the genetic deck remained stacked against him; their dad died at age 51 of a massive heart attack, and heart disease runs through almost every family in the N. family tree.
Keith had the heart attack at work (he works--worked--night shifts) like the other two, but this time he didn't make it. He was 57. He died almost 3 years to the day from when Mark's mom died, which was on March 21, 2006.
Obviously this is going to be a very difficult weekend, & the funeral is likely going to be Monday or Tuesday. I have to be honest, though. My tears are not just for Keith & his family. I'm crying for myself, out of pure fear.
I cannot begin to express how concerned I am about my own husband's health. He's 46, is struggling with a weight gain over the past year, and hasn't exercised in months. His stress level is insane & he rarely sleeps well. Clearly, he's a walking time bomb.
It's terrifying.
He knows & I know what he needs to do to change his health. Will his brother's death make a difference? I honestly don't know.
I do know that I have always believed in my husband. I have two mottos for him that I've used to support him through the years.
The first is "Perseverance prevails when all else fails."
And, "You make the impossible, possible."
I pray that these apply to his health. I pray that despite everything that's fighting against him, God will find a way to make Mark the exception to the rule. I pray that God protects his heart while we can get his lifestyle fixed. I pray for healing of the damage in his heart that's already done. I pray that Mark doesn't let the seemingly inevitable destroy him. I pray he is lifted above this impossible situation & made whole.
Most of all, I just pray that he's not taken from me and my children until he's old, grey, crotchety, and senile. Then it will be okay. Anytime before that is simply unthinkable.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Sleep, Sunshine, & The Return of Normal
At last! I got a good night's sleep. No one woke me up & I slept from 10ish to 6:30. That rarely happens.
And, from the sounds of it, a lot of you have sleep troubles, too.
Oh how I wish we had an extra bed in our house. Unfortunately, that's the role of the couch but it's in the same "room" as the kitchen & isn't all that comfortable. Perhaps someday we'll have a different house & I'll get my own bedroom.
But, last night at least I slept great & it turns out that a good night's sleep makes a world of difference in my attitude & energy.
So does sunshine & 70 degree weather.
So does a five mile run, which I accomplished yesterday afternoon. It was glorious! Not easy, by any means. The first 2 miles were awesome. I felt fast, strong. The sun was shining, I was in shorts & a sleeveless shirt, and the wind was steady but not high. Around mile 3 my asthma started bothering me, and unfortunately I didn't bring my inhaler with me. (I used it before my run, as always, but I think I either need a second type of inhaler to *keep* my lungs open, or I just need to run with my inhaler when I'm out longer than 3 miles.) I slowed down quite a bit, & mile 4 was rough. By the time I was starting mile 5, the endorphins had kicked in and I was in the zone. I finished in 57:33. I was hoping for 5 in 55 minutes, but I'll take what I can get right now.
"Normal" has been a foreign land for so long, that I almost cried with gratitude on the way into work this morning. I ate normally. I slept normally. My family slept normally. I woke up normally. My kids are in school normally. We are at work normally. I am running normally.
Normal feels so damn good. And it gives me hope. I want to bottle this feeling & hold onto it forever.
BTW, it's our 14 year wedding anniversary today. Anniversary's on a Wednesday are a non event, pretty much, but we are having a date night Friday & the kids will stay at my mom's overnight. Very much looking forward to Friday.
And, from the sounds of it, a lot of you have sleep troubles, too.
Oh how I wish we had an extra bed in our house. Unfortunately, that's the role of the couch but it's in the same "room" as the kitchen & isn't all that comfortable. Perhaps someday we'll have a different house & I'll get my own bedroom.
But, last night at least I slept great & it turns out that a good night's sleep makes a world of difference in my attitude & energy.
So does sunshine & 70 degree weather.
So does a five mile run, which I accomplished yesterday afternoon. It was glorious! Not easy, by any means. The first 2 miles were awesome. I felt fast, strong. The sun was shining, I was in shorts & a sleeveless shirt, and the wind was steady but not high. Around mile 3 my asthma started bothering me, and unfortunately I didn't bring my inhaler with me. (I used it before my run, as always, but I think I either need a second type of inhaler to *keep* my lungs open, or I just need to run with my inhaler when I'm out longer than 3 miles.) I slowed down quite a bit, & mile 4 was rough. By the time I was starting mile 5, the endorphins had kicked in and I was in the zone. I finished in 57:33. I was hoping for 5 in 55 minutes, but I'll take what I can get right now.
"Normal" has been a foreign land for so long, that I almost cried with gratitude on the way into work this morning. I ate normally. I slept normally. My family slept normally. I woke up normally. My kids are in school normally. We are at work normally. I am running normally.
Normal feels so damn good. And it gives me hope. I want to bottle this feeling & hold onto it forever.
BTW, it's our 14 year wedding anniversary today. Anniversary's on a Wednesday are a non event, pretty much, but we are having a date night Friday & the kids will stay at my mom's overnight. Very much looking forward to Friday.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Perseverance vs. Internalization
First the good stuff.
Yesterday I was determined to run. It was so gorgeous by the afternoon--sunny & 70. Around 4:15 I finally got around to changing into my running clothes, only to discover I'd forgotten my socks. I hate it when that happens! After a brief thought of running without them, I quickly came to my senses & drove the short mile to my local running store. Got a pair of Balega socks & stocked up on Gu, and I was hitting the pavement by 4:40. I parked at Luke's day care & figured I run 3 miles & be back with just enough time to pick him up around 5:20.
I ran 3, and they felt great. My pace is still not where I want it to be, but that's OK. The extra 10 pounds really slow me down. My avg m/m was 11:08, which I will take at this stage of the game.
And I felt freaking amazing afterwards (and during). Very at peace. Like everything is going to be okay. This, my friends, is the wonder of running. And endorphins.
I had a busy night--Mark's back in school after his spring break so it's just me with the kids on Mon, Tues, & Wed--but it was manageable. I ate well all day, including a healthy low carb dinner. Kiddos were in bed when they should be. I made a cup of hot tea and got in bed at 9:00, and by 9:15 I was falling asleep.
The plan was to get to sleep early & wake up at 5 a.m. and do 30 Day Shred. I figured I would have plenty of sleep & I am figuring out that I've got to add morning exercise to my day or I'm just not going to get the muscles I want so badly for our trip in June to St John.
But, then, of course, the shit hit the fan & my plans imploded.
Mark got in bed around 11:30, turned on the TV, and then promptly started tossing, turning, shivering, & snoring. He must be coming down with something because he couldn't get warm. And he couldn't stay still & I couldn't fall back to sleep. So off to the couch with me.
But I was so resentful & angry, and I buried those feelings in cookies. And then a bowl of grape nuts. And when I still couldn't sleep after midnight I started watching a movie. I still had a hope that I could get up at 5, but it was a sliver, at best.
At 2:45 Luke woke up, calling "Mommy, can I get up yet?" NO! You can't get up! I tucked him back in, turned on his lullaby CD, and he stayed put. But I was up again. No food this go round, because I felt a little sick from the midnight carb loading. But I was still seething.
Then at 4 a.m. Sophie is awake. For the 2nd night in a row. It's probably the new straterra, which she's taking at night so she'll sleep through the side affects. So I had to move to her bed to help her get back to sleep. It took her a good hour to fall asleep again, and I tossed & turned right beside her.
5 a.m. came & went. No wake up for me. No workout. Only disappointment. & a little bit of sleep.
At 6:15 the dog started whining & crying. So I finally just gave up & got out of Sophie's bed. Thankfully the coffee had brewed at 5 a.m. (love the automatic coffee pot), but I sat on the couch watching CNBC at 6:30 just pissed at the world.
While I was getting my shower this morning I kept asking myself---WHY MUST I INTERNALIZE EVERYONE ELSE'S ISSUES? And why do I feel the need to punish myself, my body, my family (in an indirect way, but I still feel like I'm punishing them, too) by eating crap in the middle of the night? I know I'm stuffing down the feelings. But WHY do the feelings erupt at all? Why can't I just disconnect and deal with the interruptions with grace, poise, and peace?
I don't feel hopeless this morning, mostly because the sun is shining & it's going to be 72 today, and both the kids are at school (hallelujah!!!!) and Mark is at work, and I am going to run this afternoon at least 5 miles, come hell or high water.
But I've got this internalization issue stuck in my craw. I think it's at the crux of it all.
So, now what I need to know is, how in the hell does that get fixed?
Yesterday I was determined to run. It was so gorgeous by the afternoon--sunny & 70. Around 4:15 I finally got around to changing into my running clothes, only to discover I'd forgotten my socks. I hate it when that happens! After a brief thought of running without them, I quickly came to my senses & drove the short mile to my local running store. Got a pair of Balega socks & stocked up on Gu, and I was hitting the pavement by 4:40. I parked at Luke's day care & figured I run 3 miles & be back with just enough time to pick him up around 5:20.
I ran 3, and they felt great. My pace is still not where I want it to be, but that's OK. The extra 10 pounds really slow me down. My avg m/m was 11:08, which I will take at this stage of the game.
And I felt freaking amazing afterwards (and during). Very at peace. Like everything is going to be okay. This, my friends, is the wonder of running. And endorphins.
I had a busy night--Mark's back in school after his spring break so it's just me with the kids on Mon, Tues, & Wed--but it was manageable. I ate well all day, including a healthy low carb dinner. Kiddos were in bed when they should be. I made a cup of hot tea and got in bed at 9:00, and by 9:15 I was falling asleep.
The plan was to get to sleep early & wake up at 5 a.m. and do 30 Day Shred. I figured I would have plenty of sleep & I am figuring out that I've got to add morning exercise to my day or I'm just not going to get the muscles I want so badly for our trip in June to St John.
But, then, of course, the shit hit the fan & my plans imploded.
Mark got in bed around 11:30, turned on the TV, and then promptly started tossing, turning, shivering, & snoring. He must be coming down with something because he couldn't get warm. And he couldn't stay still & I couldn't fall back to sleep. So off to the couch with me.
But I was so resentful & angry, and I buried those feelings in cookies. And then a bowl of grape nuts. And when I still couldn't sleep after midnight I started watching a movie. I still had a hope that I could get up at 5, but it was a sliver, at best.
At 2:45 Luke woke up, calling "Mommy, can I get up yet?" NO! You can't get up! I tucked him back in, turned on his lullaby CD, and he stayed put. But I was up again. No food this go round, because I felt a little sick from the midnight carb loading. But I was still seething.
Then at 4 a.m. Sophie is awake. For the 2nd night in a row. It's probably the new straterra, which she's taking at night so she'll sleep through the side affects. So I had to move to her bed to help her get back to sleep. It took her a good hour to fall asleep again, and I tossed & turned right beside her.
5 a.m. came & went. No wake up for me. No workout. Only disappointment. & a little bit of sleep.
At 6:15 the dog started whining & crying. So I finally just gave up & got out of Sophie's bed. Thankfully the coffee had brewed at 5 a.m. (love the automatic coffee pot), but I sat on the couch watching CNBC at 6:30 just pissed at the world.
While I was getting my shower this morning I kept asking myself---WHY MUST I INTERNALIZE EVERYONE ELSE'S ISSUES? And why do I feel the need to punish myself, my body, my family (in an indirect way, but I still feel like I'm punishing them, too) by eating crap in the middle of the night? I know I'm stuffing down the feelings. But WHY do the feelings erupt at all? Why can't I just disconnect and deal with the interruptions with grace, poise, and peace?
I don't feel hopeless this morning, mostly because the sun is shining & it's going to be 72 today, and both the kids are at school (hallelujah!!!!) and Mark is at work, and I am going to run this afternoon at least 5 miles, come hell or high water.
But I've got this internalization issue stuck in my craw. I think it's at the crux of it all.
So, now what I need to know is, how in the hell does that get fixed?
Saturday, March 14, 2009
The pills are working
Finally, at last, I'm starting to feel human again. And just like I didn't get myself into the downward spiral unaided, I know it's not *willpower* that is getting me out of the pit. It's the drugs.
Thank God for good drugs.
I ran yesterday around 4:30 p.m., for 3.5 miles. They weren't fast miles by any means. But I ran the last full mile --slowly-- with no walk breaks (I still run around 9:30-10:00 m/m, but then I have to walk a bit after about 3-5 minutes of running).
I ate well yesterday. Had a salad last night around 9 p.m. when I felt hungry instead of something carby.
It's paying off. The scale, by some miracle, said 154.8 this morning. I'm STILL squishy & my jeans are still tight. The scale isn't the whole story. I've lost muscle tone that I'd built last year. But at least that number isn't as horrendous as I'd expected.
I'm taking it one day at a time right now. And hoping today is a calm, easy Saturday.
Thank God for good drugs.
I ran yesterday around 4:30 p.m., for 3.5 miles. They weren't fast miles by any means. But I ran the last full mile --slowly-- with no walk breaks (I still run around 9:30-10:00 m/m, but then I have to walk a bit after about 3-5 minutes of running).
I ate well yesterday. Had a salad last night around 9 p.m. when I felt hungry instead of something carby.
It's paying off. The scale, by some miracle, said 154.8 this morning. I'm STILL squishy & my jeans are still tight. The scale isn't the whole story. I've lost muscle tone that I'd built last year. But at least that number isn't as horrendous as I'd expected.
I'm taking it one day at a time right now. And hoping today is a calm, easy Saturday.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Where do I start?
Once you hit bottom, I guess there's no place to go but up. Right?
This morning I found some old pictures of me from before I was pregnant with Luke. It was like looking at another person. I *know* I spent the majority of my adult life around 200 pounds, but the past year and a half has made me feel like a new person. And I want to forget that I ever looked like that.
But recent life events have pulled me back into the old lifestyle of eating for comfort & not working out, and that's pulled my body back toward the way I used to look. No, I don't look like I weigh 200 pounds. No, my face is not round & undefined. My arms aren't huge & my pants aren't a size 18. But an extra 15 pounds from my lowest weight this fall has me feeling squishy & wearing very tight clothes.
And I'm scared. Because I feel myself falling further & further down the slippery slope. It's entirely possible--and hell, if I look at the ridiculously low statistics of people who are able to maintain a weight loss, it's probable--that I could weigh 200 pounds again.
I don't want that. I don't want to look like the woman in the pictures from 4 years ago. Or even 2 years ago. I don't want to be another negative statistic. Or someone people gossip about--"Oh, I knew she'd never be able to keep that weight off."
I want to run. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to wear sun dresses & shorts & skirts & tank tops with confidence. I want to be strong.
The trick is figuring out how to want all that when I'm bored, tired, depressed, sad, angry, happy, scared, sleepy, or any other emotion that drives me to eat.
How the heck did I do what I did in 2007? Where do I begin again? That's how I feel. Like I'm starting from scratch & have no clue how I'm ever going to lose the weight I want --no, need -- to lose.
Like just about every dieter, I know the mechanics. That's not the problem.
It's the "I want this more than anything else" that I need to find again.
***EDIT***
And then I read this post, linked to from Natalie, and the last sentence just gave me a big ole bitch slap: "No one likes a whiner - they suck the ever livin life out of you. "
I'm so damn tired of being a whiner. I need a good kick in the ass is what I need (gee, 3 curse words in one edit.... nice).
This morning I found some old pictures of me from before I was pregnant with Luke. It was like looking at another person. I *know* I spent the majority of my adult life around 200 pounds, but the past year and a half has made me feel like a new person. And I want to forget that I ever looked like that.
But recent life events have pulled me back into the old lifestyle of eating for comfort & not working out, and that's pulled my body back toward the way I used to look. No, I don't look like I weigh 200 pounds. No, my face is not round & undefined. My arms aren't huge & my pants aren't a size 18. But an extra 15 pounds from my lowest weight this fall has me feeling squishy & wearing very tight clothes.
And I'm scared. Because I feel myself falling further & further down the slippery slope. It's entirely possible--and hell, if I look at the ridiculously low statistics of people who are able to maintain a weight loss, it's probable--that I could weigh 200 pounds again.
I don't want that. I don't want to look like the woman in the pictures from 4 years ago. Or even 2 years ago. I don't want to be another negative statistic. Or someone people gossip about--"Oh, I knew she'd never be able to keep that weight off."
I want to run. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to wear sun dresses & shorts & skirts & tank tops with confidence. I want to be strong.
The trick is figuring out how to want all that when I'm bored, tired, depressed, sad, angry, happy, scared, sleepy, or any other emotion that drives me to eat.
How the heck did I do what I did in 2007? Where do I begin again? That's how I feel. Like I'm starting from scratch & have no clue how I'm ever going to lose the weight I want --no, need -- to lose.
Like just about every dieter, I know the mechanics. That's not the problem.
It's the "I want this more than anything else" that I need to find again.
***EDIT***
And then I read this post, linked to from Natalie, and the last sentence just gave me a big ole bitch slap: "No one likes a whiner - they suck the ever livin life out of you. "
I'm so damn tired of being a whiner. I need a good kick in the ass is what I need (gee, 3 curse words in one edit.... nice).
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Temporary Insanity
Seriously? I think I'm losing my mind.
Monday night Sophie started having hallucinations. She'd woken up Monday with a dizzy spell & had had a pretty rough day. I was snuggling with her at bed time before she fell asleep, and all of the sudden she sat up & said "Mommy there's a spider on my doll's leg!" The doll is on her bookcase & had a couple of little flowers on her pants. She was seeing a spider instead of a flower. I explained that to her, then she saw a spider on her wall where there was a dark spot. We went to the family room where she could fall asleep to TV & keep her mind off the dark spots/spiders.
I assumed this was a side affect from her ADHD meds, and called her doctor Tuesday morning & he agreed we should stop the medicine. I scoured the internet & found that in January the FDA released research that found hallucinations are more common in ADHD meds than previously thought. So, oh joy, we have to stop the medicine that was helping her so much. Thankfully the hallucinations only lasted through yesterday and are now completely gone.
But the dizzy spell is still around. Day 3. We have an appointment at the St Louis Children's Hospital on April 8th. It can't get here soon enough.
Yesterday I called my doctor & got the OK to go back on Wellbutrin. I've been feeling horrible on the Lexapro & was reading about the side affects with that drug (which I've been on before but it's been years), & was reminded about how easy it is to gain weight on Lexapro & how hard it is to lose weight on Lexapro. Wellbutrin was awesome for me, in the 150 mg dose. Only at 300 mg did it become a problem. So I'm back on my drug of choice in the lower dose, and glad I came to my senses about Lexapro before it was too late. I feel a teeny bit better today, and I think it's mostly because I just feel relieved to be off the drug that would likely have put 20 pounds on me in 6 months.
More fun in our household--Luke is allergic to the cat. The cat we've had for 13 years. The cat who my daughter says is "her baby." I'm trying zyrtec & am going to put up a gate on his room & "de-cat" all his stuff. I just hope it's enough to make his sneezing & congestion & itchy eyes stop. I can't imagine the misery that losing our beloved Earl Grey would cause.
And, the piece de resistance--Mark busted a tendon last night in his leg, while playing chase with kids. It's the plantar's tendon, which the ER doctor said is ruptured. Mark's sister brought over her crutches last night at 9:30 and he took himself to the ER (which is 2 minutes from our house). He couldn't put any weight on it, it hurt so bad. The kids were of course freaked out. They wouldn't go to sleep after daddy left by himself for the ER at 10. So they piled in bed with me and stayed up & watched a movie until after 11:30. Then Sophie fell asleep in Luke's bed, & Luke fell asleep on our floor. I fell asleep around Midnight, and then woke up a few minutes later when Mark called & gave me the ER report. He got home sometime around 1 a.m. He's on pain meds & can limp around now without crutches. He worked a few hours this morning but now is home while I'm at work (with Sophie, of course). He said the pain isn't as bad as he thought it would be & he promised not to be an invalid that I have to take care of.
Which is a good thing, because I'm pretty much worthless right now & don't feel like I can take care of anything or anyone else right now.
I especially can't take care of myself.
For whatever reason, I'm still wired to eat, eat, & eat some more when faced with crises. I guess it's my brain saying "feed me some happy shit & feed it to me now." Unfortunately, my brain needs to take a good look at my ass, because it's clearly not happy with the recent feeding schedule.
This is only temporary. This is only temporary. This is only temporary.
God, I hope so.
Monday night Sophie started having hallucinations. She'd woken up Monday with a dizzy spell & had had a pretty rough day. I was snuggling with her at bed time before she fell asleep, and all of the sudden she sat up & said "Mommy there's a spider on my doll's leg!" The doll is on her bookcase & had a couple of little flowers on her pants. She was seeing a spider instead of a flower. I explained that to her, then she saw a spider on her wall where there was a dark spot. We went to the family room where she could fall asleep to TV & keep her mind off the dark spots/spiders.
I assumed this was a side affect from her ADHD meds, and called her doctor Tuesday morning & he agreed we should stop the medicine. I scoured the internet & found that in January the FDA released research that found hallucinations are more common in ADHD meds than previously thought. So, oh joy, we have to stop the medicine that was helping her so much. Thankfully the hallucinations only lasted through yesterday and are now completely gone.
But the dizzy spell is still around. Day 3. We have an appointment at the St Louis Children's Hospital on April 8th. It can't get here soon enough.
Yesterday I called my doctor & got the OK to go back on Wellbutrin. I've been feeling horrible on the Lexapro & was reading about the side affects with that drug (which I've been on before but it's been years), & was reminded about how easy it is to gain weight on Lexapro & how hard it is to lose weight on Lexapro. Wellbutrin was awesome for me, in the 150 mg dose. Only at 300 mg did it become a problem. So I'm back on my drug of choice in the lower dose, and glad I came to my senses about Lexapro before it was too late. I feel a teeny bit better today, and I think it's mostly because I just feel relieved to be off the drug that would likely have put 20 pounds on me in 6 months.
More fun in our household--Luke is allergic to the cat. The cat we've had for 13 years. The cat who my daughter says is "her baby." I'm trying zyrtec & am going to put up a gate on his room & "de-cat" all his stuff. I just hope it's enough to make his sneezing & congestion & itchy eyes stop. I can't imagine the misery that losing our beloved Earl Grey would cause.
And, the piece de resistance--Mark busted a tendon last night in his leg, while playing chase with kids. It's the plantar's tendon, which the ER doctor said is ruptured. Mark's sister brought over her crutches last night at 9:30 and he took himself to the ER (which is 2 minutes from our house). He couldn't put any weight on it, it hurt so bad. The kids were of course freaked out. They wouldn't go to sleep after daddy left by himself for the ER at 10. So they piled in bed with me and stayed up & watched a movie until after 11:30. Then Sophie fell asleep in Luke's bed, & Luke fell asleep on our floor. I fell asleep around Midnight, and then woke up a few minutes later when Mark called & gave me the ER report. He got home sometime around 1 a.m. He's on pain meds & can limp around now without crutches. He worked a few hours this morning but now is home while I'm at work (with Sophie, of course). He said the pain isn't as bad as he thought it would be & he promised not to be an invalid that I have to take care of.
Which is a good thing, because I'm pretty much worthless right now & don't feel like I can take care of anything or anyone else right now.
I especially can't take care of myself.
For whatever reason, I'm still wired to eat, eat, & eat some more when faced with crises. I guess it's my brain saying "feed me some happy shit & feed it to me now." Unfortunately, my brain needs to take a good look at my ass, because it's clearly not happy with the recent feeding schedule.
This is only temporary. This is only temporary. This is only temporary.
God, I hope so.
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