I'm having a rough time. I think it's hormone related, but regardless of the cause, I'm in a frame of mind where I feel there's a hole that I just can't fill.
My daughter's leftover birthday cake & ice cream didn't fill it. A bowl of cereal in the middle of the night didn't fill it. A shopping spree (which I have so far avoided but am lusting after) won't fill it. Even my run in the soupy air yesterday afternoon didn't fill it.
It's not an unfamiliar feeling. I've been here many many times in my life. I know I just need to wait it out & try to limit the damage I do to myself.
But the question is, how do I do that?
I've been listening to Jennifer Knapp songs on my iPod lately. She's a Christian singer, & I have 2 CD's from probably 10 years ago. (I'm not current with new music, in any genre, with the exception of American Idol.)
The past couple weeks I've run a few times with no music & just meditated & prayed. When the weather is nice & I feel good, the running prayers have been remarkable. It's amazing what happens when you don't have any TV or music or books filling your brain. That's a state I don't spend much time in.
But when I'm in a don't-wanna mood or the weather is crappy or I'm on the treadmill, I need music. So I added Jennifer Knapp's CD's to my iPod, and viola! I've got great music AND I've got prayer time.
One of her songs is called "When Nothing Satisfies You." It hit me yesterday on my muggy run that this needs to be my theme song right now. A few of the lyrics:
when it rains or it shines on this pillow of mine
i will lift up my head to the sky
so i have chance to see
where my hope has come from
know there's nothing that i can't abide
send forth Your Light Lord,
and send forth Your Truth
let them guide me to Your Holy Place
then will i go to the Altar of God
to my Joy, my Delight and my Strength
why are You so downcast o my soul?
why so disturbed within me?
put your hope in God
my Savior, my King
when nothing satisfies you
hold my hand
So there's the answer, in her lyrics.
If you've ever heard of Gwen Shamblin of the Weigh Down Workshop (one of many diet plans I have tried), you are familiar with her idea that we all have God-shaped "holes," & if we don't fill them with God, then we will fill them with other things--like food, shopping, money, sex, sleep, whatever. We fill & we fill & we fill, but we are never satisfied. Because we aren't designed to be satisfied by anything but God.
As a Christian, I can fully appreciate this idea; if you aren't a follower of God in one form or another, then you probably think this is a bunch of hooey. But I'm guessing you've still experienced that "nothing satisfies me" feeling.
Unfortunately, just because you know the answer to your problem doesn't mean everything is hunky dorey.
I'm still struggling. But at least I can name what's going on with me & try to focus on filling myself with healthy stuff instead of junk--and I'm not just referring to food.