Just when I think I've got a handle on my diet life, it falls off.
My husband had his men's group last night, which I'd forgotten about, so he was gone until 9:30 p.m. and I didn't get to the gym or get any work at home done.
So after I'd put the baby boy down to sleep, and after I'd snuggled and connected with my daughter who I hadn't seen since Saturday afternoon, and then set her up with a movie, I gave in. The desire to numb myself got the better of me.
I grabbed my new paperback (Literacy and Longing in L.A.--it's good so far) and just shut down. I couldn't face everything that has to be done and the uncertainty of whether Luke would be well enough to go to the sitter or if I'd have to figure out something for him. So I immersed myself in my book, which is ironic because that's what the book is about. A woman who O.D.'s on books--only hers are the high brow kind and I gravitate towards chick lit.
Around 7, I ate my dinner of an apple & peanut butter, and then my LA Lite bar, but then couldn't stop. I just kept eating. I had Luke's McD's ice cream that I bought for his sore throat that he only ate a few bites of, and because the texture wasn't quite what I wanted, I added a handful of frozen white chocolate chips. Then I had 2 packaged Rice Krispie treats, then a cereal bar. Then I went back to reading. Then I fell asleep, the sleep of the food coma.
Sophie's movie was over and she woke me up, so I set her up with PBS Sprout and started reading again. Then Luke woke up coughing, and I gave him medicine and put him back to sleep. It was after 9 and my husband still wasn't home. And then I ate the spare McD's ice cream, the one that was supposed to be for Sophie.
I really felt sick at that point, and didn't want any more food. Mark got home around 9:30, and he and Sophie hugged and talked and then it was her time for bed. She got to sleep around 10, and I washed my face and went to bed, thankfully still numb from the ice cream.
This morning I expected a gain from being bloated, but what the hell do I know about my body--I had a big loss. I'm guessing it won't stick around long and I'll be back up a bit tomorrow, which has been my pattern. But once the lower number is on the scale, it reappears within a week or so.
My lesson I'm trying to learn from all this is-- I'm not perfect. I'm going to have these food blowouts once in a while. They are still better than they used to be. A pint of Ben & Jerry's used to be my ice cream sin. Two of McD's faux ice creams aren't going to put 40 pounds back on.
And I'm back on plan today. I even waited to eat this morning until I felt really hungry. I craved that numb feeling from food last night, but you know what? The over full stomach and the bloating was really uncomfortable, and I hated it. And I used to live with that feeling on a regular basis. But it's not worth it any more.
At least, not on a regular basis. Last night, I needed the escape. And food was the only thing that would give me what I needed. Sad, but oh so true.