Yes, that's right, I'm now up 5 pounds from my "maintain" weight of 152.
And frankly I'm pretty freaked out about it.
I suppose I've been in denial. I've been telling myself that I can eat like a normal person, run and train for a half marathon, and not gain weight. That a couple pounds up is no big deal, it will go back down soon. That a snack or two at night, and a bagel for breakfast a few times a week is no big deal. I'm not scarfing down powdered sugar donuts or Ben & Jerry's or Twinkies (well, I did have two packs of Twinkies a couple weeks ago, but it wasn't a box and it stopped at the two packs). So I should be losing weight and getting back to my designated weight of 152 any day now, right?
WRONG. Turns out, it doesn't work that way. Indiscretions are building upon more indiscretions, and viola! 5 pounds up, and a solid 5 pounds it is. It's not like I was 152 on Monday and now I've got water weight to lose.
And I really don't like it. It sucks that I can't eat like a "normal" person--which is basically what I've been doing--and keep my weight where I want it. It sucks that I wake up and think "Oh, that handful of Chex mix and 4 chocolate kisses I had after dinner shouldn't make a difference in my weigh in, should it?" But it does.
And it sucks that I'm writing everything down again and filling in my little circles in my LAWL exchange book. And it sucks that I've only run one time this week.
And I know it's seriously demented to link my self esteem to the scale like this. But guys, it's not just the scale. I can feel those 5 pounds in my clothes, which is why I'm not deluding myself that it's water weight. And I know I am at a weight that some people would kill to be and I should just stop whining. But, that's not how I roll. I whine, and I'm stomping my foot like a spoiled toddler because this sucks.
All this suckage is wearing me out. I don't like feeling this way. So I'm going to start making myself do the things that make me feel better.
Like eating clean food instead of buying fast food salads every day (today I had a great salad I brought from home). And getting enough sleep. And keeping healthy snacks around instead of junk. And getting back into the gym when the weather's bad, because why the heck am I paying for that membership if I'm not there?
I'm not going to be another statistic and gain back my weight. I am the asterisk (*results not typical). The line's drawn in the sand, and the weight gain stops now.
Of course, tonight we are having 10 kids over to our house while our friends help our friends move, and there will be pizza. So I've got a tough battle to fight tonight. But I am going to win the war.