Friday, May 09, 2008

157.0 - Line in the Sand

Yes, that's right, I'm now up 5 pounds from my "maintain" weight of 152.

And frankly I'm pretty freaked out about it.

I suppose I've been in denial. I've been telling myself that I can eat like a normal person, run and train for a half marathon, and not gain weight. That a couple pounds up is no big deal, it will go back down soon. That a snack or two at night, and a bagel for breakfast a few times a week is no big deal. I'm not scarfing down powdered sugar donuts or Ben & Jerry's or Twinkies (well, I did have two packs of Twinkies a couple weeks ago, but it wasn't a box and it stopped at the two packs). So I should be losing weight and getting back to my designated weight of 152 any day now, right?

WRONG. Turns out, it doesn't work that way. Indiscretions are building upon more indiscretions, and viola! 5 pounds up, and a solid 5 pounds it is. It's not like I was 152 on Monday and now I've got water weight to lose.

And I really don't like it. It sucks that I can't eat like a "normal" person--which is basically what I've been doing--and keep my weight where I want it. It sucks that I wake up and think "Oh, that handful of Chex mix and 4 chocolate kisses I had after dinner shouldn't make a difference in my weigh in, should it?" But it does.

And it sucks that I'm writing everything down again and filling in my little circles in my LAWL exchange book. And it sucks that I've only run one time this week.

And I know it's seriously demented to link my self esteem to the scale like this. But guys, it's not just the scale. I can feel those 5 pounds in my clothes, which is why I'm not deluding myself that it's water weight. And I know I am at a weight that some people would kill to be and I should just stop whining. But, that's not how I roll. I whine, and I'm stomping my foot like a spoiled toddler because this sucks.

All this suckage is wearing me out. I don't like feeling this way. So I'm going to start making myself do the things that make me feel better.

Like eating clean food instead of buying fast food salads every day (today I had a great salad I brought from home). And getting enough sleep. And keeping healthy snacks around instead of junk. And getting back into the gym when the weather's bad, because why the heck am I paying for that membership if I'm not there?

I'm not going to be another statistic and gain back my weight. I am the asterisk (*results not typical). The line's drawn in the sand, and the weight gain stops now.

Of course, tonight we are having 10 kids over to our house while our friends help our friends move, and there will be pizza. So I've got a tough battle to fight tonight. But I am going to win the war.


Jill said...

You are going to win! You have already won - you can do it again. That's why it's called Maintenance, and not Yay! We're All Done - Bring On The Cupcakes!!

I have come to the conclusion that there is no "normal" eating. Normal people eat like you and I do - they eat when they aren't hungry, they eat the wrong things, they eat for emotional reasons...and they even fight their weight like we do. There is no *normal*.

At least you are catching it now and not 20 pounds from now. Those 5 pounds will come off and you'll be back to your old self in no time.

When you are back to running and eating better, you will feel better, and then those 5 pounds will be history. Don't sweat it sweetie - you are going to be fine!! ((hugs))

Grumpy Chair said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Grumpy Chair said...

Sorry - delete was me - Blogger is acting all weird with comments.

I feel your pain. It is very scary to be in maintenance for a long time then boom the scale starts climbing. But if anyone can turn it around, it is you Laura.

You know what you got to do to stop the upward weight trend and as someone who is at the 20 pound regain - it sucks!

Regarding SuperBad - we watched it when it first came out on DVD - hubby loved it and laughed so hard.

Vickie said...

It is not like you have time to do this in real life, but close your eyes and imagine that you are sitting on a bench at the mall, or sitting by the door of a grocery store, or sitting at the license branch - watching the crowd.

Imagine and size and the shape of the people that pass by you.

NORMAL is the body/shape/size of the majority of these people passing by you.

NORMAL is what the majority of these people eat.

NORMAL is the amount of exercise that these people do.

Laura - you do not want to eat or exercise like a NORMAL person.

1. usual, regular, or typical: the study of normal behaviour
2. free from mental or physical disorder
3. Geom same as perpendicular (sense 1)

I am now boycotting the use of the word NORMAL - the same as I boycott the word DIET.

Jess said...

It's normal for a lot of people who train for a distance race to gain some weight -- I think it's a tendancy to overestimate calories burned and underestimate calories consumed when running a lot.

Don't worry, you'll lose it quickly enough.

Heather said...

oh I completely understand how you feel. I cant get to my goal weight for gods sakes and its pissing me off!! all I hear is that its just not about the scale, and its not, but sometimes it is emotionally. I know you have said how hard it is to just get to your goal and while it sucks that you are struggling, it at least gives me a reality check that I cant expect everything to be so simple once I get to stabilization and maintenance. you hang in there though, you have lost the weight before, you can do it again and dont let yourself have any little slip ups that will deter that.

Anonymous said...

I always gain weight when I am training for a big race. Training for a 1/2 or full marathons are not the way to lose weight. First, you are gaining a ton of solid muscle from all of the endurance training. Your body has no choice but to build up the heavy muscle because you need it to keep going. Second, you need to eat more to stay strong for those longer runs. Don't be discouraged. You will probably lose all the weight once you stop training and resume your other work out schedule.