Struggling

It's been a tough few weeks.

I do fine during the day. Then I walk into my house at the end of the
day and it's like the air is let out of a balloon.

I deflate. I feel oppressed. I feel the weight of the world.

It makes me eat.

And I've gained 6 pounds.

A lot of this oppression at home is self imposed. I am much harder on
myself about keeping the house up than my family cares about. But *I*
care.

Just the shear fact of getting kids and myself dinner, and baths
(which they only get a few times a week--it's not an every night
thing), and homework (school's out today), picking up clutter, doing
laundry, opening mail and paying bills, and the myriad of "to do's"
that never get done.... Basically I get home and don't sit down or do
anything for me until after 9 pm.

And then I have nothing left. I am in the rut of sitting on the couch
and watching TV and eating sugar. A lot of sugar.

I know it's The Afters. The nights I've done Yoga have been better. I
got to go 3 times last week. That still left 4 nights of severe
Afters.

I have been thinking all morning how to break the cycle (Vickie, I was
just getting ready to write this when you commented). My pants are
tight today. It's a constant reminder things have to change.

I want to start running again. When I run I do better. It's summer
now. I should have more time. I'll be training soon for a half
marathon in October.

It's the energy that's the issue. It's a monumental task right now to
work all day, then take care of Life at Home, then workout. It's also
impossible for me to get up before work to run--I can't make myself
get out of bed early. Mark can pick up kids one or two days a week,
and I take advantage of it when he does.

Even on those days, though, I struggle with the deflated thing at
home. It's easier in some ways because I had time to recharge a bit.
But not that much easier.

So that's life right now. Work is still great. We love it here. And
I'm not feeling depressed. Just overwhelmed, I guess.

The summer is already packed. That has me anxious because it's going
to cost us a good deal to do everything--summer day camps are a
fortune; a trip to Colorado in July for our niece's wedding; Mark's
50th birthday surprise party at the end of July.

I have to find the energy to change. Today it feels like a huge undertaking.

I pulled up Kay Sheppard's website this morning. I'm taking steps to change.

I know it will get better. It always does. I will find my way out. Again.

Yoga

My gym opened a new hot yoga studio last month.

This week I've been twice.

It's amazing what a mind-body connection will do for you.

It's not free--$45 a month unlimited classes (drop in rate is $10).
Worth every cent as long as I go.

Which I plan to. Often.

The instructor told us last night to think of one thought to hold onto
during class. Mine was "peace with sugar."

I didn't eat junk last night for the first time in weeks.

Ahhh. At least for today I have some peace.

Vickie, I do need to work on chest openers. I will look at your link
soon. My chest is so tight and inflexible. I can tell how it hampers
me in several poses.

Quick update.....

I am doing ok. My weight is stable at 168 but I have not been eating
well or exercising. So it's not going to stay stable if I don't get it
together.

Last week was amazingly successful at work but very stressful. I've
also got some personal issues at home adding to the stress. And I've
defaulted to food for comfort.

I'm taking those baby steps back to getting on track. I bought veggies
at the grocery. I picked up fitness class schedules at the gym. I'm
going to set a couple nights a week for ME, which Mark supports me
doing, so I can start working out regularly.

My energy has been directed toward the business move for a few months
now. I've had no mental or physical energy to do much of anything
else, above the usual Mom and Wife stuff.

Thankfully the intensity at work will be lightening up soon. And when
it does I'll be in a great position to start moving forward again.

The new work place and my food

From a work stand point, I haven't been this happy in many many years.

Our new office is outstanding. The three partners we work with/for are
great. The other support staff are great. My office--with a door and
window and big desk-- is great. Mark is happy too.

We have gotten a huge response from clients. And I'm swamped! Which is
a very very good thing.

It has been rough, though. from a self care standpoint. There have
been days when I literally have no time to eat. And I come home at 7
pm and care for kids then at 9 dive into sugar. This has happened a
few times now. Enough that my body is back to craving sugar and food
when I'm not hungry.

Sigh.

3 steps forward 2 steps back.

I haven't exercised in weeks. I have no time or energy to cook. If it
weren't for Mark doing all the laundry the past few weeks we'd be
living out of laundry baskets.

It's temporary. It will get better.

What I don't want to happen is to get completely out of control. I'm
not there yet. I don't want to be a slave again. I want to eat
veggies and protein. I need quick fixes. I'm going to hopefully have
time this weekend to figure out some better alternatives for next
week. I don't want to have another week like this again.

I will post more when I have time. Going to go cook some Brussels
sprouts now and eat dinner at 8 pm.

Moving Day

.... is tomorrow.

I had a great birthday on Friday. 

I worked 14 hours this weekend.

Moving an office that you've been in for almost 5 1/2 years is a bitch.

But I'm so stinking excited I can't stand it.

It's extremely difficult to eat healthy & stay focused in this time of craziness.  I'm doing ok--I'm glad I had time the past few weeks to establish some healthy food habits.  I've had a couple of candy binges at night, but they haven't spilled over into the next day--no "what the hell" thoughts.  So I'm grateful for that.

I pulled a muscle in my right quadricep yesterday, pushing a box with my foot.  It doesn't burn or ache when I sit or when I walk (much) but when I stand up from a squat or push at all (as in, I pushed myself backwards in the bathtub while sitting down, and it hurt like mad).  We don't have stairs in the new office, thank God, because stairs aren't easy either (no sharp pain--we have stairs in our current office--but I have to go up them gingerly).  I wore a compression thingy last night and that helped. 

I haven't had an injury like this since Luke was an infant in 2006 & I was just starting to run (at 205 pounds).  I hate being injured. It makes me feel old and it makes me mad.  Mark has a horrible back & can't do anything, so I simply cannot be injured. 

I hope my leg muscle understands this and heals quickly.

I don't know what this means to my exercise prospects.  I can't think about that today.  I'll think about that later.

Wish me luck on our move!  I'll post updates as soon as I can.

New profile pic

It's been almost 3 years since I went to St John (where the picture in my old profile pic was taken).  Here's today's self portrait.

I'm doing very, very well right now

Several nights last week I had vegetables as the main course of my dinner. This astounds me.
I have read on Vickie's blog many times how her decisions about food are which vegetable am I eating for this meal?  I read in Karly's book how her meals are focused around vegetables.

I thought they were both a little nuts.

Then last week, I was craving zuch and yellow squash.  I cut them into chunks, then dry sauteed them until they were toasty brown but still a bit firm, then I did the same to some bean sprouts. Mixed them together, sprinkled on some low sodium soy sauce and man, it was fabulous. 

I ate more than half and could have eaten the whole thing but was afraid what a whole zucchini and squash with a bag of bean sprouts would do to my digestive system!  I think I had a sweet potato later that night and some hot tea. 

Not eating sugar and white flour is changing my life.

I did not eat Easter candy.  Not one bite.  I had the occasional tug of desire, but it wasn't a craving.  It was longing for the past comfort that candy has brought me.

I was also at a wedding Saturday and did not eat cake.  I had one of the best pork chops I've ever eaten in my life, and I had decaf coffee, and I was delightfully satisfied. 

Far overriding my desire for sugar was the physical and emotional sensations of health and balance from abstaining from sugar.

I am thinking more clearly, having fewer emotional swings, am much more patient with my kids and husband, am not taking naps or feeling sluggish or bloated.

Yes, I still have emotional desires for sugar, especially for chocolate. As a side note to Debbie's comment last week, I can't do sugar free chocolate because most artificial sweeteners in any large amount gives me a headache, plus too much artificial sweetener can trigger MY tongue and brain to want sugar... whether this is everyone's experience or not, I don't know.  But it's how I react.  I also can't have dark chocolate because even a tiny bit causes migraines.

One night last week I wanted chocolate badly, but I made a cup of decaf tea (which has been my comfort "food" of choice for several weeks) and in about 15-20 minutes it passed.  A miracle!

I am going to therapy this afternoon.  I have no illusions I am "cured."  I am a recovering addict who needs support.

Yep, our business move is next week.  We may have to delay it a few days because of an issue with our largest client who is out of the country on the date we plan to transition, but that will be worked out in the next few days and not by me. 

I don't do well with The Unknown.  I like concrete, "I know what's going to happen," plans.  It is a struggle not to scream and throw a fit with this uncertainty.  But every time the nutso thoughts enter my head, I am working to blow them away like clouds.  

I remember a post Vickie wrote about a yoga class (I think it was yoga) where the instructor said if you have a thought that you don't want, picture it as a cloud and then gently blow it away.  So that's what I'm doing.

I've been blowing away a lot of clouds. 

I also have only weighed myself once since I stopped eating sugar.  The one time I weighed about 2 weeks ago I was disappointed because I was still 169.2.  I felt like I weighed less because my body felt lighter and my clothes were looser.

I was happy before I got on the scale, and then I was disappointed and mad.  What's the point of that?

I am not going to change the way I eat based on what the scale says.  I'm not eating sugar or flour to the best of my ability.  I am eating when I'm hungry.  I am exercising when I can (did a boot camp workout Saturday morning that kicked my butt and was awesome). 

Whether I lose weight or not is irrelevant.  The way I am living my life isn't going to change based on what the scale says.  The way I feel about myself--whether joyful or disappointed--shouldn't depend on the number on the scale.

It is not an easy thing to unhook from the scale. But it is getting easier every day, just like it's getting easier to say no to sugar.

Here's what I'm learning

*Even a small amount of white flour--say in a few slices of pizza--will put me in a carb coma.

*I cannot eat quick-cook steel cut oats.  They put me in a carb coma.  I CAN eat regular steel cut oats that take 20 minutes to cook, without any carb reaction.  (I always eat these with one egg, to balance the meal with protein.)

*I can eat blue corn chips (but have to count them and be very careful to control quantity); I can't eat yellow corn chips.

*Salsa can have sugar in it.  After being off sugar for just a few days, I could taste the sugar.  (I normally buy "Wholly Salsa" that just has the good stuff in it.  The grocery was out & I bought another kind, but this was before I went off sugar and wasn't checking labels.  Now I know to check labels on salsa, which, IMO, has no business having sugar added to it in the first place.)

*BBQ sauce's #1 ingredient is sugar.

*If I'm home all day with a sick daughter, who I'm worried might have appendicitis because she's had a low grade fever and stomach pain for 3 days, I'm going to binge on sugar. 

Sophie is fine now. I talked to the doctor yesterday morning primarily because she'd been running a 99-100 temp for 3 straight days, which is abnormal for her.  The doctor thought it was a virus, but said to watch for certain signs that could indicate appendicitis. And I worried all day long; every time her stomach would cramp & hurt, I was afraid I'd be taking her to the ER.  She was hurting up until she went to bed at 8:30.  I finally lost it at 8:45 and ate cookies and Easter candy out of the kids baskets.  She's fine today; I'm fine today. 

*I need to exercise.  I ran two short runs last week, and that was it.  I need to make time to workout.  My brain needs the endorphins and my body needs the outlet.

*Dry roasted edamame is the bomb.  Simply the best, easiest, "keep in my car for hunger emergencies" snack ever.

*Hot green tea is delicious.

*I cannot weigh myself everyday in the midst of learning to be sugar free.  When I don't lose every day, I have way too many the "what's the point?" thoughts.  I put the scale in Mark's bathroom.  I haven't weighed for about a week.  My pants are looser.  That's enough for me.

*My definition of "sugar free" is actually "very low sugar."  I still use 1/2 tsp Splenda brown sugar for my tea, which is 50/50 splenda/sugar.  I still use 1 tbsp lite choc syrup for my coffee in the morning.  I use unsweetened soy milk for my latte, but it has a gram or two of sugar.  There's a gram of sugar in the soy crisps I like (like rice cakes but with soy--have protein in them, and I'm not reactive to them), even though the ingredients don't list sugar.  I probably get between 10-15 grams of sugar on a good day. For now, that's good enough.

*I still have no idea how to accept "I'll never eat chocolate again."  I don't know if I can. 

*The best way for me to stay away from sugar/refined carbs/carbo overload is to remember how they make me feel--I do not like to be passed out on the couch in the middle of the afternoon.  I do not like to feel grouchy with my kids for no reason.

The recent carb comas have happened from NON binges.  From a few slices of pizza.  From too big a meal, even one that is sugar free (but not carb free--too big a sweet potato along with a big meal is too much for me & I get sleepy).

*I am extremely reactive to TOO MUCH. 

Acceptance

It's difficult to accept that I can't eat sugar. Ever.

Giving up chocolate is probably the hardest part right now.

Not having pumpkin pie or birthday cake or ice cream--ever--is more
than I can wrap my head around.

Yet I keep thinking of the alcoholic that quits drinking and thinks
the same thing. I can't have alcohol--ever.

Comparing my sugar addiction to alcoholism is, no pun intended,
sobering. My addiction is no less significant. No less painful to
conquer. My pain is real.

I'm in mourning for the loss of sugar. And in doubt as to whether I
can do this for the rest of my life.

That's where the AA tenants come in. I simply can't worry about the
rest of my life. I can only take on today. And I need to practice
living each day through the serenity prayer.

Still, it messes with my head-- "I can never have _______ again."

I'm starting a grateful list today. Writing down 10 things I'm
grateful for every day. I will include the reasons I'm grateful for
sugar free living. I hope they will help me focus on acceptance.

Eventually I'll get to acceptance and abundance. But right now, this
mourning process has me feeling the loss of what I'm giving up.
*****
I weighed today and I'm back to 168.8. I didn't weigh when I was at my
height of binging a couple weeks ago. My guess is I was a good 5
pounds heavier. While weight loss isn't the focus right now--Karly
advises against focusing on weight loss as you may over eat non sugar
foods in the beginning--it will hopefully be a benefit of giving up
sugar.

Devotional reading

I read this just now in my devotional book I have at my desk at work.  It spoke to me today, and I wanted to share. 

O persistent God,
deliver me from assuming your mercy is gentle.

Pressure me that I may grow more human,

not through the lessening of my struggles,
but through an expansion of them...

Deepen my hurt
until I learn to share it and myself openly,
and my needs honestly.

Sharpen my fears until I name them
and release the power I have locked in them and they in me.

Accentuate my confusion
until I shed those grandiose expectations

that divert me from the small, glad gifts

of the now and the here and the me.

Expose my shame where it shivers,
crouched behind the curtains of propriety,

until I can laugh at last

through my common frailties and failures,

laugh my way toward becoming whole.

--Ted Loder, Guerrillas of Grace


Therapy appointment scheduled for Monday, 4/2.  Acupunture scheduled for Friday, 3/30.

Day 6

Lots more energy. Physical cravings are gone. Emotional and habitual
cravings are still very much an issue.

But I can identify them when they happen and name them for what they are.

After lunch and dinner I still crave a sweet. I have been eating
strawberries or an apple and drinking hot tea.

Chocolate is ever present in my mind. I was eating a lot of it before
I started this. So it's not surprising. The chocolate thoughts come
when I used to eat it-- mid afternoon, after work, before bed.
Habitual thinking I have to reprogram.

I also have snacks the kids like but I don't. I threw out the Hersey
bars. Chips ahoy are gone too.

My before bed routine has to change. I can't put the kids to bed then
sit on the couch. That is a minefield of bad habits. So tonight I sat
in my front room while listening to music and painting my nails. So no
food issues to get sucked into.

It's hard. Breaking bad habits is a bitch.

My mantra is "sugar makes me crazy. I can't be crazy." And also, "I
just have to get through today. I can get through today (or the next
hour or the next 20 minutes)."

Day 5 detox from sugar

I'm still hanging in there.

Day 3 was brutal. I actually took Monday off from work. I felt like I
had a case of mild flu most of the day. By the afternoon I was better.

Yesterday was not as difficult. Last night I had tons of energy.

Today I'm awake at 5:30. So I am on an up trend now.

Cravings have been light and stemming more from routine than anything.
Like eating hot tamales from the candy dish when I get home from work
(dish is gone now). Having some chocolate after lunch and dinner.
Eating cookies before bed.

There are a lot of foods I am mourning. I miss chocolate the most.

I just keep repeating in my head what Karly writes--I can't eat sugar.
Ever. Sugar makes me crazy.

Not--sugar makes me fat. Crazy.

I don't want to be fat, but I can live as an overweight middle aged
wife and mom. And I don't hurt anyone but myself.

I can't live life crazy. Or angry. Or passed out from a binge. That
hurts the people I love most.

So it's going well. I am hopeful for more good stuff ahead. And
hopefully will have enough time and energy to start working out again
this week.

Day 2 sugar detox

I guess I'm doing this right because I feel like crap.

Actually it does feel good not to be a slave to sugar right now.
Yesterday was pretty great. I knew days 2-4 would be the hardest. And
while I was fine this morning, by late afternoon today I could feel
the chemical shift in my brain and body.

"To get out you must go through." I read that quote yesterday either
in Karly's book or Vickie's blog or somewhere. My detoxing brain can't
remember and after a 5 minute search gives up.

At any rate, I can't get out of the sugar without first going through detox.

I wish I was in a fancy detox spa. But I'm not. Real life is my only
way through.

In her book Karly says to detox during a non stressful time. Which I
agree with and wish I could adhere to.

But I don't know that I'll ever have a non stressful time in my life.
Heck, compared to when my dad was sick, this IS a non stressful time.

And honestly, the alternative--giving my life over to sugar addiction
and all the misery that goes with it--isn't an option and won't make
me feel any better. So I guess it's all good.

I am camped out in my relaxing front room reading more of her book.
I'm not craving sugar, which is a relief.

I just feel like I got hit by a truck.

Being in the sugar is too hard

I've been playing this mind game over the past few weeks about how I'm
going to get through the work and stress.

I can handle it. I can exercise and keep my food under control and
I'll just do the best I can. It's ok if I'm eating out more because I
just don't have time to prep food at home. Im eating cookies at night
but I'll get back on track soon. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day. Or
the next day.

Yesterday, after a hard week with zero workouts, I dove head first
into the sugar. We have a new cupcake store in town. At lunch I was on
autopilot and knew I shouldn't go in there but did anyway. This I did
while on my way to pick up Thai food for lunch.

I left the cupcake shop with not one but four cupcakes. I connived all
the way back to the office how I was going to get them to my desk with
no one seeing. How could I eat them with no one seeing. And I
rationalized I would only eat a bite of each one so I wasn't over
doing it but still getting to try them all.

This is of course addict behavior.

I ate my pad thai with Mark then went to my desk with my cupcakes. I
tried each one and put the box away. A few minutes later it was back
on my desk and I dug into the carrot cake until it was gone. I took a
few bites of the others. I felt sick.

I finally acknowledged what I was doing and threw the box away. An
hour later I pulled the box out of the trash can and ate another one.
I didn't finish the other two, but they were almost half gone.

I felt ashamed and out of control.

It was a rock bottom experience. Four cupcakes in hiding. A clear cry for help.

So last night I bought Karly Pitman's Overcoming Sugar Addiction on my
kindle. I had a no sugar night. I had a no sugar breakfast--there is a
small amount of sugar in the lite chocolate syrup for my soy latte I
make at home. But it didn't spur any cravings. I will watch it.

I am listening to her CDs that I bought a couple years ago. I am
taking this one meal at a time. I don't know what else to do.

It is too hard to be in the sugar. It's just too much work
emotionally. I might as well be doing hard work that is fulfilling and
life giving.

I hate the way I feel when I'm out of control and in the sugar. I have
been through this cycle so many times.

I know this happens when my needs aren't being met and I feel fear and
overwhelmed and out of control in other areas of my life.

It spills into my deeply seated area of seeking comfort in food. Then
that spills into self loathing and shame.

I need to go see my therapist. I need to exercise. I need a break from
the demands of my life. I need to care for myself.

The trick is doing all that while I'm working like mad at work and at
home. Thankfully my husband will help if I ask. And there is other
support I can get if I ask.

It's got to be easier than being a slave to sugar. I want to be free
of its yoke.

Good things ahead (168.8)

I am swamped so this is a quick update.

We are joining another practice on April 18th.  There are three advisers in their mid 30s, each with 8-10 years experience.  They are sharp and successful and family oriented, and everything we have been looking for in a team. There are four other support staff; I will be the 5th.  It's going to be a great move for us, our family, our clients, and for the practice we are joining.  Win win win all around.

We are meeting with clients like mad, doing annual reviews and sharing the news.  We (I) also have a ton of work to do to transition our business. I am starting to work weekends as of tomorrow, for as long as it takes.

Oh, and the other broker fired his new assistant on Monday.  He has a woman who's a friend helping him out now, and she's really bright but has no financial experience.  So far they haven't bothered me much.  But it's just one more unstable element in my daily life.  Things at work and around him are getting worse, not better, and I cannot wait to be free of this place.

I ran once this week, lifted weights once this week, am going to a boot camp thing with one of the girls I ran with in Florida on Saturday morning.  So I'm keeping fairly active.

My food during the day is fine. My night time eating is awful.  Lots of afters going on.

So, I've got issues. But I'm too busy to deal with them effectively. 

The good news is I feel okay, not depressed.  The sunlight and longer days help a lot.  My kids and husband are doing well.  Lots of good stuff.  Just a bit overwhelming. 

I will update more when I can. 

Princess Half Marathon (170.6)

My Disney Princess was Aurora from Sleeping Beauty--hence the pink/blue theme, as in "make it pink! make it blue" that the fairies do as they fight over the color of her dress.  I also have a temporary Aurora tattoo on my left arm. 



So the race was great.  6 days away from home was way too long.  I am glad I did it, but I likely won't do a race that far away and for that long again. 

I finished right at 3 hours by my Garmin.  That was my goal.  This is the heaviest I've ever run a half marathon.  I am slower the more I weigh.  So a fast time wasn't my goal, but running the whole thing was.  Which I did.  I only walked water stations and for two Gu's.  I ran the entire rest of the race.  Even the on ramps, which were hilly, banked, and long.  I did not run fast--around 13:30/ mile.  But I ran and never stopped to just walk.

Nothing wrong with walking--I have done it in every race I've ever run.  But this was a new goal for me and I did it.

The six women I travelled with were wonderful, with the exception of one friend who I knew was going to be an issue but didn't realize how bad it would be.  She did not train for this race.  Her longest run was 6 miles and that was last October.  She has the martyr thing going on, and it is BAD.  As in, "I was going to call you ladies at mile 9 when I figured you were all finished and it started raining and tell you to just go back to the hotel and not wait for me" or "I will stay at the hotel and not go to our special fancy dinner if so and so needs such and such" or "Do you want me to pull your suitcase for you?"--asked half a dozen times.

On the 2nd day there, she talked with her husband and got mad at how he'd handled an issue with their 13 year old daughter.  We were all in a shop in the Magic Kingdom and she's crying and walking around to each of us, saying she's going to leave her husband when she gets home, and that she is going to fly home that night.

Everyone else was already fed up with her, too.  I did fine the entire trip, biting my tongue and nodding or just ignoring her.

Until last night on the 3 hour drive home (which was after we'd flown from Orlando to Indianapolis). Right before we get to my house, she starts talking about the race and how her husband sabotaged her training and she just gave up.  Then she asks me point blank, "do you understand now why I said I was going to leave him?" 

And I just couldn't keep my mouth shut anymore.

I said no.  I don't understand. I can't wrap my head around having a husband you have to ask permission to take care of yourself.  I can't wrap my head around asking your 13 year old daughter if it's okay if you go to the gym. I can't wrap my head around ANY PART of the way you live your life.

I didn't say any of that.  I said no, I don't understand.  And I said she needs to watch the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" or read the book, and see what happens when a wife takes care of herself and doesn't depend on her family to make her happy.  I said she has to work on herself first, and not expect to change her husband. 

What she took away from my lecture (and it was a lecture--I know, I blew my "people just want to be heard" attitude, big time) was "I guess I'm just a bad mom and wife."  And she pulled out her phone and started texting and crying and wouldn't even look at me.

My last words to her were that she was too good a mom and wife and she was a horrible friend to herself.  And that if all she wants is someone to feel sorry for her and not share an opinion about what could make her life better, she shouldn't bring that kind of stuff up anymore.  She ignored me.  She probably won't talk to me again for a long time, if ever.

Which, frankly, is fine with me.

I just don't have it in me to be around a martyr whose every conversation--seriously, every one--is a desperate cry to be needed or, alternatively, to be cared for.  She sucked the life out of me. 

And it wasn't just me.  There were two other girls there who I connect with very strongly, who said the exact same thing. 

The good news is that I recognized what I did, even though I didn't stop myself during the process.  I have pretty much let it go--except I needed to vent here.  And I'm not upset, I'm not apologizing to her, I'm not seeking to mend the friendship or whatever.

Anyway, I just needed to vent. This is a top of my head ramble before I go pick up kids. I have a ton of stuff to do to get caught up from the trip. I got home last night at 10:30 pm and was at work at 10 am. 

At least I didn't gain a ton of weight while I was gone.  I'm still really bloated from travel.  It's almost spring.  I have killer strong calves from the 20+ miles I moved my legs the past several days (we did the parks twice, all day long--lots of miles).  And I can't wait to move my body, get healthy, and get into summer shape.

In Orlando

Just arrived in Florida for the Disney Princess Half Marathon. I'll
report more as I have time and when I get back.

Long, dark tunnel

There is a light at the end, but it seems so far off.

My work environment has become unbearable.  I won't go into details, because they are long and boring and many other people have it worse that me.  Everyday I enter our office I am weighed down and am miserable almost all day.  The insanity of the situation--the idiocy and the ignorance and the arrogance and the work load on ME that has nothing to do with me or our clients--is too much for me to bear. 

I sometimes handle it with grace, but more often than not my frustration shows.  I am pushing it all down, just so I can get through the day. 

Which means, of course, it comes bubbling out at home in the form of a binge.

I want to cry every day during the day, but I can't because I'd walk around looking like a raccoon from my ruined eye makeup.  At night I have to keep it together for the kids' sake.  When it's bed time I'm so fried I can't do anything but watch TV or read.  And eat.

The good news is this-- we are leaving to join another firm on April 18th.  It's an incredibly exciting and big-step-up opportunity.  The group of three financial advisors we are joining is exactly what we've been hoping for.  We will have back up, we will have support, we will have an "out" if the unthinkable happens to Mark or me.  And we are joining a stable, successful environment of young, brilliant men.  And four women assistants.

Between now and then, though, I have a butt load of work to do.  And a lot of stress to deal with.

I told Mark last night I feel like I'm on the verge of self destruction. I don't want to self destruct.  I need to keep my weight stable, and preferably at least around 165, so I can survive all this without blowing up to a size 16 or 18 again. 

Mark is doing really well with his health, both physically and emotionally. He's been working hard.  I am going to start leaning on him to support me so I don't lose it. It's in his best interest to help me, and he knows it and is willing to help.

My routines have been crappy, and I've not been helping myself at all.  While I am still running, because I have the race next week (next week! I'll be in Florida away from all this for six days!!), 15 miles a week can't make up for all the crap I'm putting in my body.

This morning, after talking to Mark last night about how bad it is and what I need to do to change, I got up at 4:50 am (I had been up since 4 am anyway, because Luke woke up with a bad dream) and was at work by 8 am.  I am going to the gym on my lunch hour today.  I don't normally even leave the office because I get here at 9:30 or 10 and work through till 4 or 4:30.  That's not healthy for me anymore.

I've worked out a schedule for weeknights that I hope Mark can support--with him picking up kids two nights a week so I can go to yoga and weights class.

If I can work out the emotional crap in the gym, then I know the food will take care of itself.  I know what to do; I just need the emotional energy to do it.

Busy busy busy busy busy (167.8)

I am still doing OK. 

But I am swamped, with work & personal stuff.

Work--busy time of year before tax season.  We are also working on big picture business stuff that is and will be keeping me particularly busy in the near future.  But it's all good stuff.  I can get into specifics in a month or so.

Personal--both kids are in their school's variety show this Saturday.  I am the leader of both their groups.  Which means I've been in charge of their rehearsals and all the parent communications (texts & emails), which has taken a lot of time. Luke's kindergarten group has 13 kids; they are singing the Oakridge Boys "Elvira" and it's adorable.  Sophie's group has 6 girls & 2 boys; they are singing "My Favorite Things" from Sound of Music.  That group was more difficult to keep focused than the Kindergartners.

I'm also running a half marathon in Disney World in 20 days.  Less than 3 weeks from now I'll be in Florida without my husband or kids. I'm both excited and sad.  I will miss my family so much. And I'm sure I'll worry how they will survive without me.  But they will.  And I will have a blast.  We leave on Wednesday 2/22 and get home on Monday 2/27.  The race is Sunday.

My eating has sucked at night. I don't believe the scale right now.  It feels like I weigh more than that.  I know that I am just pushing down all my emotions and worries and concerns and craziness. 

I AM doing really well on many levels--I'm more stable since increasing my meds and using my SAD light on a regular basis.  I'm in a great place spiritually, and working on leaving my ego at the door and treating everyone I meet with respect.

It is not an easy thing to examine yourself and find that there is a lot inside you that comes out in your behavior in a negative and ugly way.  I am working on being humble and not such a know it all.  I am working on being less narcissistic.  I am working on being patient and less defensive and keeping my mouth shut more. 

It's hard work, and I often fail. But I keep working at it.

And I refuse to use the word TRY.  Try is an excuse to fail.  I am not successful every day, but I keep moving forward and I am not giving myself an excuse to fail.

That's where I need to get with my food issues. I need to step away from "try" and start working on it every single moment of every single day.

That is a difficult thing for me to do when (a) food has always been my "backup" in trying and difficult times (and even good stress is still stress) and (b) I simply don't have the mental energy to work on one more thing.

It's a big thing, yes.  It's a lifelong thing, yes.  It's a daily battle that I have not thrown up my hands and said "that's it, I quit" and then go face dive into a box of little powdered donuts, a.k.a. my nemesis.

At least January is FINALLY over.  I love putting things on my calendar for March and April. 

I'm doing better (167.0)

Using the SAD light consistently seems to be key in keeping me sane.
My meds are also increased slightly which is hopefully helping. Online
sermons from Menlo Park Presbyterian Church are literally a God send
for me. As is my quiet time with my Bible in the morning.

It's still been a rough week though. I'm crazy busy and so is Mark. I
cry almost every morning but that's really not a bad thing. I'm not
crying at night anyway.

I'm eating better, more deliberately, less junk. It's showing in the
scale and my clothes. I ran twice this week; doing 9 miles Saturday.
My half marathon is 30 days away.

We are all healthy (whispered and knocking wood--there's a lot of
sickness going around).

I am too busy to write anything other than a quick update though. But
I have lots of thoughts on eliminating hurry, on what true rest means
for me, and on how relying on money or food to soothe the void when
pain comes is a symptom of self sufficiency instead of living with
God's grace. So hopefully I'll have time soon to actually put some
thoughts to paper.

As it is, I'm typing this on my iPhone right before bed. Which is
better than nothing.